what is it exactly that i want..i really wish someone would tell me so i could stop wondering about it..every other day i just get more confused about all of it..havent done anything yet today..wandering around the apartment intending to do stuff and not doing anything..played with dusti and that was pretty much the highpoint of me day..not looknig to thrilled at the prospect of doing anything else..no energy at all today and i think i slept for like 12hours or something last night but for a lot of it im not even sure i was sleep..kept think and actually did conciously work on slowing my thoughts down and i suck at it..every other minute i was off thinking about something else..and then id realixe it and go back to concentrating on nothing and a minute later my thoughts are off again..its really really hard and i dont know..i was sleep without really sleeping or something...woke up ok and now im just cold and tired and as usual sad..have yet to fully talk myself into doing anything that will hurt..worrying about too much stuff i guess to finally settle on doing anything ..maybe ill just take a nap and see if anything looks better after i wake up...cept knowing me i wont go to sleep right now and instead ill waste time not doing anything else either..i suck a lot right this minute..no idea what i want to do with myself and not that it would be interesting in the least since it will just involve walking downstairs to watch a movie..i wonder if its possible to give life a break..why is it that ppl get addicted to stuff...easy it gives them a way out..ok nevermind..it actually fels like winter today or maybe im just so cold its making it worse..but it looks like it will rain at somepoint soon..i give up trying to figure any of this out