-sigh-

we do like the cooler weather but the rain is really bothersome..ugh ..got acouple hours of sleep..and woke up not feeling well..and im not sure if im sick or just tired..but either way i cancelled the preschool thing..because if i am sick i dont want to get all the kids sick.and im gonna take some medicine and then get some other work stuff done..cas i still have paperwork hanging over my head..ugh...i just cant get it together this week...i truly cant...

and the movers will be here at some point this morning and im all worreid about leaving my key and not being here and having it be rainy and all that and them tracking mud all over the place..and well just not being here cas of work..

i dont know..feeling a bit stressed today and i dont know why...i prolly should have just taken the sleep meds last night..and i dont know..makingpretty stupid decisions lately i guess...

i just want to hide today..and not deal with anyone..thats how i feel..:(

 i feel tense..and unable to relax..i really do..really wish i could have seen linda this week :(

yesterday was not a good day...

what i wrote yesterday night



I really dont know where to begin, Im worn out completely. I cant focus, i cant take in any more information, or deal with anyone else talking to me. Im laying down but I cant seem to process today at all. The urge to say that things are fine, that we managed to get through today is very overwhelming. Yes we got through the day, but crashed and panicked horribly when it was time to leave the hospital this evening. Just couldnt take anything else, couldnt deal with anything else. Almost cried when my co-counselor told me to just go home when it got to be around 6pm. He told me to just leave and I did. I think I may have tried to stick it out if he hadnt told me to go home. 9 hours, thats how long I spent in the hospital today. 9 long and boring and draining hours, in a little room with no windows or anything to look at, without my phone or purse because I wasnt allowed to have them back there. 9 long hours of waiting, and hoping that this kid would be admitted only to find that tonight every place is rejecting him. Hours on the phone, talking to my co-counselor and my supervisor. I had to cancel everyone else i was supposed to see today, i missed my supervision this morning, and i missed therapy Really wanted to talk to t this week, wanted to take her some of the writing and talk about the medicine and the bad feelings, and now have to wait until next week. I cant reschedule therapy at all because of her schedule and so im just stuck with that, and the stress is building big time right now. and i dont know what to do about it. thought a lot about cutting today because was feeling so very stressed out. Being stuck sitting in a little room with a camera on the wall was not ok, and made my paranoia go into overload..i feel like i have just missed everything today due to one client and i dont like that at all. i really dont. i cant get myself together because the stress and not sleeping and everything is overloading me..and im trying to lay down and take it easy tonight but im just worrying about tomorrow and what ill need to do inorder to catch up.. i think maybe ill just go ahead and take the night meds and just start the day early tomorrow..and hope its better..cas i dont think it can get any worse..


but today is better....im currently taking a little break from cleaning up...

and spent a long time talking to my sister today..and im  feeling a bit of excitement..cas well she is getting excited about her possible move..and well i offered to go with them to look for apartments/houses in pa it will be around the middle of october but i think it will be fun to go up there and see the area and help them find a place..and all of that..and well im just itching to get away and get away from work stuff..and we have been talking about furniture and getting stuff from her possibly for my apartment..and well theres just something nice about moving to a new place and being able to start over..but she has gotten my interest lol..and would really like to do it..it gives me something to look forward to just a little bit..and i hope that it will work out... i really do...

and im not going to be going home..any time soon...well the oct 15th im going to my sisters and i may stop by home but i wont be staying or anything..and mommy is wanting us to go to cherrokee for her bday in nov..and so im gonna try to do that..cas being out of town with her isnt as bad as being with her at home..and especially if im going to be driving myself and will have my car and all of that..so going to try to do that..and with the holidays and all that coming up and i know ill be home a bit more or traveling to my sisters..so just using money to go home is not as much as option right now...

im going to use the rest of the day to finally catch up on paperwork and get it all turned in tomorrow morning..and finally be able to get things done..and going to work on cleaning up and getting all that done today too..

i would really rather you know that yesterday and the hospital thing doesnt happen again..any time soon..

but yes..im trying hard to regroup today..and get stuff done..

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - By Albert Schweitzer

bad day

chilly and rainy day...matches my mood right now...stomach is not doing so hot right now and im sure its because of having fast food last night...but was just cranky and tired and didnt want to cook and it had been a really bad night and so yeah..just stopped and grabbed something on the way home..which i think was really binge mode cas just wanted to eat and not think or deal with anything but well yeah..stomach is not happy and feeling sick and cold and yeah..struggling this morning...

yesterday..yesterday was really really bad and it all concerns work stuff..i ended up back at the hospital with a client and he got his self there and i arrived later with his mom...and after like 2 hours of waiting and waiting and not talking to the doctor..he up and leaves the hospital..didnt say a word to me or his mom...we thought he was out side smoking...the doctor comes in looking for him..and you know i say hes outside..half hour later his mom walks back into the room and says he is at home..he walked home! oh i wanted to ..it takes a lot to get me feeling pissed off ..but last night i was pissed off and mad and frustrated..and so we go back to her house...i tell the kid he has pissed me off and that he is the most inconsiderate person i have ever met...no response...i asked him what he was going to do..he is positive he cant stay at home..he is going around telling all his friends parents that he cant stay at home..and no one will talk him in..and so he got mad and walked to his friends house again without freaking saying anything..and so we track him down and then i sit and have a long conversation with his mom about how she needs to press charges next time..and that she has 3 little kids that need her..and the 17 yr old who will be 18 next month she needs to just let go..well once he is 18 she needs to let him go..and she was breaking down and crying and oh it was a mess last night.. and i have to keep it together and help her and track down the inconsiderate jerk of a son she has..and no i dont want to see him ever again..and its like my whole evening got taken up by him..and it made me mad..im still mad..and i called my supervisor 4 times yesterday and she didnt answer!!! any other freaking time she would have picked up the phone but the one day i really truly needed to talk to her and she didnt pick up..sometime in the mess of things she called and left me a message but pretty much said if it wasnt a life threatening emergency then she would talk to me tomorrow?! it was going to be a life threatening emergency because i was gonna ---- him...lol insert what ever word you want there...but yesterday just stressed me out to the max..and by the time i got home i was just done..
and i want to scream and yeah ...i plan on taking up the whole freaking staff meeting today talking about yesterday! ugh...

and well now im behind on my paperwork..like not even close to having it done for my second job..and im like resigned to just turning it in late..cas i just ..i dont know..i just ..i just didnt do it when i should have and now im going to be late with it..and its just been a not so great weekend..but thats not an excuse..and yeah..feeling a bit rotten about it all right now..im going to work on it and hopefully will get it done at some point today inbetween staff meetings...but im just kinda..feeling blahish about all of my paperwork right now..really am...

so im gonna go and try to get one more done before i have to start getting ready for my meeting..and then the rest ill just have to figure out later ...my head just isnt in it today..and i want to go back to sleep...


<----- i think this is gonna be me for the rest of the day...

still struggling ...

i dont know...i guess im feeling pressured about going home...its to the point where mommy is starting to ask alot when im coming home..and i know it all comes down to whether or not i can afford it..but now it just feels like i have to figure out a way to get home...and with feeling so fragile lately..and so back and forth with feeling safe and what not lately and so its hard to imagine going home...and well with all the feelings of being a failure lately and not losing enough weight and all of that..its like no i dont want to go home at all cas i just feel ashamed of myself..and in truth..i may not have lost anything but i havent gained anything either..but all it takes is one look from mommy and i may as well have gained 50 pounds or something..and its depressing..and lately i dont need any help at all with feeling depressed...so i dont know...there a good things about going home though and well havent seen my sister in like 3 months..and so i just cant decide... for the first time in awhile last night i was actually thinking about how much it would hurt to go back to purging...i wanted to do and was ready to do it and almost felt sick enough to convince myself to do it...but in the end i just went back to laying down...that one i rather not get back into..but its always there i think...hanging out back behind all the other stuff i have to deal with..and just every so often it pops but out and i start wanting it and thinking its a good idea..and yeah...

feeling a little bit stressed about my schedule next week..and i just need to sit down and figure out really what its going to be...i mean its a little easier not having one client because well i ahvent heard from her and well the whole jail incident...and then its just figuring out the preschool stuff and my regular clients and all of that..and i think once i just sit down and figure it out it will feel less stressful...

and then there is t next week..and for some reason im more focused on how much i owe..and she is being really nice with the fact that you know im not paying her currently and im just racking up a huge bill..and well with pdoc to that bill is essh..its all depressing to think about..and well i dont think the meds are as effective this time around...i know the meds wont fix everything but the meds arent even getting me to neutral right now...and i just feel so sad and depressed all the time..and a lot of time feeling suicidal too..and it just all sucks ...and maybe im just looking into things to much..i dont know..it just doesnt feel like anything is helping this time..and i do know i can sign up for the health benefits from my job around the 19th of october..and that is when ill be finding out how ive done with my probation periods..and go from there...what if ive screwed up something and im going to lose my jobs??ugh

mommy also brought up what my plans are going to be...am i going to stay in va or am i going to move again or what im going to do..and i couldnt say well i have no idea..i had to think of something..and well the truth would be i have no freaking idea what i want to do...you know for now im in va and im fine here..you know no real plans to go anywhere...my sister is possibly moving to pa and that is a stress for me..cas pa is farther away than nc.and i wont be able to just pick up and go see her..i would have to plan..and it would be a plane ticket involved most likely..and i dont know how that is going to work out just yet..her husband is off to do his interview this week..and well they will know soon if he has the job and if they will have to be looking at moving..and then i dont know....

maybe im just feeling lost all around...with everything that is going on and not going on... just feel so frustrated with myself and my lack of motivation and everything and i dont know what to do to make it better..i want to make it better..i want to feel better and not feel so suicidal anymore...heck maybe just getting it to once a week would be good..i cant deal with this..and the more days that pass the less i feel like im actually dealing with...im just kinda managing to slip through and appear as pulled together as i can..but when im at home and in my apartment and i just spend hours laying on the floor not doing anything..or laying on the floor just thinking about dying..and not even having to motivation to get up inorder to overdose i really wonder about myself..and what im doing..if i wasnt working and didnt have to show up i really have to wonder if i would have ended up trying to seriously killing myself in the past few months..i dont know..and i try not to think about it to much cas its overwhelming and disappointing..and i am surrounded my counselors and ppl who work every day with other people who are dealing with this type of stuff..and im right smack in the middle of it and i can barely manage to keep it together..and more and more stuff gets piled on me..more things i have to do..more tasks i have to accomplish..theres not enough hours in the day and i feel like im just running around all the time and getting nowhere and doing nothing..and my days run together and i forget what i have done inorder to keep things going..and my schedule is constantly having to change in my head and i have to be so controlled to remember where im supposed to be..and i can show up..if its the last thing i do i will show up..but im just not connecting as much..i guess..and so im trying to write down what i need to do with my days..and how i need to get stuff done..and obviously i need more work with that..cas i did it for a day and then i lost track of it and didnt do it...and i i just feel so so out of my own life...i get through the day..and if i try to fade into the background ..but everyone needs me and it takes so much energy...and i want to hide...i really truly want to hide from work and i cant..i havent found the balance yet..maybe thats what the problem is..im looking for the balance and getting so very trapped in the process...maybe this week will be a little bit better...maybe this week ill manage things a little better...but how im feeling now..really doesnt make me feel like next week will be any better...and i know im in control of my mood and how im feeling and all that bs that i say a million times a day to clients and i wonder how any one can believe it..sometimes it really feels like im lying through my teeth when im trying to help someone else feel better..and i have to remember that its not about me at those times..cas thats when my stuff kinda gets in the way..and i end up struggling...i know there is some truth in it but i dont know where its at right now...i dont believe it for myself right now..and i dont want to hear it anymore..i almost just want to be left alone..but i know that will not be a good option at all...i have to go to work..i have to keep going because i am needed...im a part of something..and even if i might not feel like i matter or that im important or another negative thing that im currently thinking..i guess i can dredge up that its not the end of the world just yet..

wow is there anything else i need to complain about...i do try not to complain and i really didnt realize so much was going on...
:(

state fair :)

Goat

Baby Pig - born 9/24/10

well hell... -sigh-

i want to self medicate.big time tonight..and i guess thats putting it nicely. i dont understand. i dont get it. i felt fine earlier i did. and ive just been laying down this evening. not really doing anything. and i suddenly feel cut off..alone..and wanting to just sleep away hours and hours... i dont know whats wrong anymore

you know..sometimes i really think that the only thing that saves my life is my lack of motivation...i cant od if im just refuses to get up and go get the stupid medicine...and by the time i do get up ) i havent yet) ill not even want to od anymore..may take extra to get the thoughts/feelings to stop..but not going to die...not tonight...

heck of a nigght to be unhappy

for as tired as i was a couple hours ago..now im awake but just kinda here...it the past 10 mins ive started to feel tired again..right when i was about to go ahead and start working on paperwork..have it kinda timed out for tomorrow..and all that..again i just want to get it turned in...thats what i want to do..i really am rather disappointed in us for work stuff..and forgetting and not keeping track of things better...i really am ..cas then its frustrating realizing that im forgetting to turn things in or forgetting to show up and times and all that ... its very frustrating..and so i then add stuff onto already scheduled stuff..and its frustrating extreme and then i feel like im just doing a bad job all around for not catching on to things or for not understanding..or forgetting..heh i signed up for short term disability insurance today..i may need to ask my pdoc to write me a leave of absence! i really really need to regroup and figure out what i am doing....i think this job..well these two jobs come with the most responsibility and i just dont know what to do with it..and its frustrating because not knowing tends to end up with me just doing stuff wrong or messing up ..or something.. very very hard to believe that im coming up on my 3 month mark ..in like 3 weeks..and i do want to make a good impression..i dont want to lose my jobs... this is a heck of a time to start doubting myself...i dont know..just feeling super down and depressed..and wanting to sleep but staying awake..and im assuming i want to be up until 12:01..didnt take any sleep meds tonight cas i knew tomorrow was gonna be an early early day..so yeah..im up and getting cranky and all the usual late night stuff going on...my age is showing and it worries me..and im afraid im not cut out for this...and i realize the dark dark humor that comes along with me working as a mental health counselor professionally and being a mental case myself...only i could manage that ..and only i can make it believable..and fake being sane so so very well...

im not ok and havent been ok in a very very long time... i dont know what i want anymore..i dont know how to get anything or make anything work anymore..im struggling with just freaking struggling and it makes me feel very very hopeless and lost and confused...the currently extreme forgetfulness is getting in the way..and i just dont know what to do about anything..and i feel completely at my wits end right now with it all..everything is stressing me out..and i have to keep going because i dont know how to do anything else..and i realize im supposed to be happy that tomorrow is my birthday and i guess tomorrow i will be happy..but its not tomorrow yet..and the evening before my birthday is always hard...the evening of my birthday is hard..and so i know its good im working off and on tomorrow..it is..but i just want a break from things you know..and i dont even get that on my birthday...my birthday is never anything special and so i guess it makes no point to change that now..just another day to get through i guess..and i cant find any happiness in it at all..and im back to feeling anxious..and very sad..and very unsure of things right now..you know im tired of trying and figuring stuff out and all of that..i dont want to do it anymore..i get tired of doing it..of trying..of making it work or pretending its working..or managing..i thought i was going to have a happy day..i thought i was going to be able to be happy tomorrow..but right now im not feeling happy at all..im feeling sad and very sad..and i dont know..

back towork..

no i dont think im ready for work this week...i really dont...

my notes from last week are kinda running together in my head..and i see the benefit of actually doing them at the time and not waiting..but once again ive waited and yeah...ugh...really going to need to focus and start a list of the notes i will have to write..but they are kinda running together...

dont think ill be able to have therapy this week..but im going to call tomorrow and see if i can reschedule..but if not then ill have to just wait until next week...stupid work stuff getting in the way again...but cant reschedule and so yeah...

meds are yeah..going ok for now with them..getting it filled per week for now...and its a little more affordable ..or maybe its just easier to consider since its 20 bucks a week ..for them..instead of looking at the whole price of almost 90 for the month...but next month im gonna try to cut down on the hassle and get it just filled at once..but will see...

but yeah i gotta go get laundry started and all that fun stuff ive put off..and yeah..

its finally the weekend...

well did end up going to the hospital the other night with a client..and i freaked out pretty badly with it...i dont know what happened..but i was fine until i actually got to the hospital and then i just got really paranoid and scared and yeah it was not good..i had a lot of trouble staying grounded and present and i felt like i was a mess..and so yesterday the feelings where still kinda lingering and yeah..it was not good..essh but got through yesterday..and im glad because now its saturday and i can have a break!

yesterday was mostly good until my last client and then i ended up not even completing the session because he was being off the chain and i wasnt staying there...so i left..it wasnt worth it at all..to stay..when he was just doing what he wanted and being a royal pain in the butt...and not listening..so i was feeling really upset and on edge last night...but yeah..other than that ..yesterday was more manageable than i thought it was going to be..

today is going to be a super quiet day lol...about to start cleaning up stuff...and then have to go out and run some errands later today..and go to the library..and then just hanging out at home for the rest of the day..nothing to thrilling going on at all...

you know it really stinks getting paid and yeah it all going to bills...yuck ..but im getting paid and at least i can start paying on stuff again..i hate playing catch up!...but yeah..things are getting better ...keep reminding myself of that...

and i was in walmart yesterday and i was over by the deli part and one of the guys that worked there just like handed me a rotisserie chicken and i was like ok lol...and then i stood there for a couple minutes cas in my head it was like..ok whats going on..did this really just happen?! but yep..there was a free sticker on it i guess i just happened to walk up at the right time lol...so yeah ill be eating chicken for like the next week it looks like lol...

stressful day

this would be how im feeling right now..im tired and worn out and stressed from both jobs..and just ugh..

doubting my abilities some this evening with so much going on...maybe i need to just refocus my attention and do something so not related to work..

today has been a lot of running around...dealing with work stuff from both jobs..from 9 to 5 today..and there is a possible trip to the hospital later for a client who is struggling..and both jobs were just so demanding today..and it was so stressful..and a lot of last minute decisions and schedule changes..and i now have 4 clients (with more coming possibly) from one job...and the the preschool stuff and one client from the second job..and today they were all demanding my time and i just cant think anymore right now...gosh im so so hoping that the kid doesnt need to go to the hospital or that we can figure out a way to get it done tomorrow or something..head is shot today...really really is..

just want to lay down but i cant because if i fall asleep ill be falling apart myself if they called and i had to drive to the hospital..so i need to stay up..

going to fix dinner in a few..and maybe that will help start getting things to calm down....shoulders are bunched up a lot this evening so i know i am stressed out and having a hard time relaxing and letting go...

surprised

yesterday was a good day..i felt good, almost happy even. you know my morning was fairly busy i had been up for forever..but then on the way to work yesterday things just kinda clicked in a way..and it just felt like i woke up and rejoined the world..i was in a great mood you know..and its been so very long that it was a little surprising...like i didnt want to stay in the house yesterday..i wanted to go out and be outside..and after weeks of isolating when i wasnt working..yesterday was like a complete turn around.so it was nice..maybe its the meds some..maybe i dont know..it was just nice yesterday..i wasnt worrying or nervous or anxious ...

and i found out yesterday that i may be able to sign up for benefits next week! holy cow that would be awesome..and im sure it would kick in for october and then i swear ill go to the doctor and take care of my blood pressure and some other stuff i have going on..and get my meds and not pay an arm and a leg..and all of that..that would be awesome..

and i get paid this week..and that is helping me feel a bit calmer..and ill be able to start paying bills again and not feeling so far behind with everything and yeah...everything is so behind and i hate it..but i can start paying again...i have an idea of what ill be making but im not completely 100% sure...so yeah..i just know it will be a nice paycheck..

and my birthday is next tuesday...its so so hard to believe that im going to be 27..again i have to remember that i never thought i would make it past 18..much less 9 more years...but i have..and my birthday is next week..and wel i have to work in the morning ...and then ill be kinda free..and im doing dinner with a friend..and thats kinda all i think..and then i decided i want to go to the outer banks for a weekend for my birthday..and its cheaper now because its offseason and so the hotel prices are really low and all..but yeah ill make sure i pay bills and all of that before i go and spend money on a mini vacation...but i really just need to get away for a bit...im not sure if ill be able to go home..or not that weekend after my birthday..i mean its just kinda im not ready to be at home..i dont know..

but lots going on i think

work is work...its going as well as can be expected lol...im still such a slacker when it comes to paperwork! essh..but im getting it done..and then today i start the preschool part ..and that is something im really looking forward to..

bounce is my little shadow ..i really dont think she knows that she is a cat! i really dont lol..but she makes me laugh and her and dusti havent killed each other yet so i think that they may actually like each other for afew hours out of the day.

in therapy yesterday..we were talking about how i wanted another pet..and i told her my list of animals that i wanted..and she told me that she thinks it means im wanting more contact..and its symbolic and is kinda meaning that im wanting more friends..i hadnt even considered that you know..i was just thinking i wanted another pet..but what she said makes sense i guess..and is slightly depressing all at the same time..but im not sure about that yet...i got a little card from one of the people in the support group i kinda started going to before..and its been maybe a month and a half since ive shown up...but i think ill go this week..maybe it will be helpful.. i dont know..

but yeah..im off to go and get breakfast and all of that..and get ready to go and start my day...yeah..

hmm

you know..i really dont have any thing positive to say about anything anymore...im just negative or i dont say anything..i hate everything or i ignore everything..i keep thinking about how linda told me that she wants me to be more present in my life and i think im kind of pushing that away..being aware is just so overwhelming for me..and i just kinda always function in neutral ...unless things are bad..and then things just are awful..and i feel like i should be more positive but i dont know how right now...circumstances just kinda suck big time and its hard for me to feel hopeful about anything....but as usual im managing...

its back to the work week..and well things are going...i know that things are still pretty unstable right now..but i still try to remind myself that i am getting pay checks and that every little bit helps and that its not always going to be like this...its not...and so im trying to stay hopeful and just deal with it..and hope...because i get paid this week and unfortunately i have bunches of bills to pay and catch up on..and so yeah..but its something...and im going to put aside a little bit of money for my birthday..cas i want to do something..i just dont know what yet...i have to work for part of it..but maybe dinner and a movie or something...there are a couple little things i want to get ..like a new movie and theres a new book i want..and i really need a new purse because mine is like falling apart at the seams..and i need some work clothes..but im going to be good and kinda try hard not to just go overboard and buy everything...but i would like to have a nice day..and umm yeah.

i dont think ill be able to go home for a while..but im still trying to work that out...because of something going on with one of my clients i am not going to working for a few sundays and so it will be easier to get away and go home but that has to happen like soon lol..but i really dont think ill have the money to do everything..and of course my car needs an oil change and some stuff and im behind on just about everything and so yeah..i guess im jumping the gun as usual since im worrying about all of this now..and i havent even gotten paid yet...but well i do worry a lot! heck i need to make a list of what needs to be paid..and go from there..

and nia and rob are possibly moving to PA. which makes me sad..and i kinda hope she doesnt..but i kinda hope she does..blah...but then mommy mentioned us spending christmas with them in PA if they do move..and then being up there for like new years and stuff..but nothing is planned yet.. and its all just talk for right now...but nia did mention that she wants me to move to PA to...later next year ..and i told her i would think about it...i think if i did move that it wouldnt be next year..it would be a little longer than that..and well who knows what will happen or what ill be doing at this time next year..and so yeah..i guess ill keep my options open you know..but that would be a huge huge move..and so scary...and starting over again..and i think i need more time cas it feels like i JUST moved here and im still getting used to it and everything..so yeah...

and maybe just getting away and going home is an ok thing to do..i had mentioned doing it the weekend after my birthday..but going home is ugh..and i dont know if im ready to be at home..my mood and well emotional state feels way to fragile to be at home and deal with all of that...im not sure i could manage for even a couple days...but i dont know...i mean mommy and nia both know money is tight and its not like im expected to go home or anything..but its been almost 3 months and i havent been home..which is a big deal..i mean and with the holidays coming up i know i have to go home..and all that...hmm but yeah...ill figure something out...

guess im done rambling for now...so my plan for the night is to figure out something for dinner, and work on paperwork until i fall asleep..and then get up early tomorrow and finish said paperwork until i have to go to my supervision meeting and then therapy..and then an afternoon involving A LOT of running around!
essh


but you know..today..well this evening..i was feeling pretty tired and kinda down..and i made myself go to work, and i made myself not reschedule because i really wanted to reschedule..but i went and it was good..i was glad i went..cas the kid makes me laugh..and i actually enjoy talking to him. so score one for me..in my day...

and now im really going ..

am doing better..i guess

restarted the effexor yesterday...borrowed some money and got it filled for a week..and then when i get paid again im gonna go and get the rest of it....feeling kinda bad today but im not sure if im sick or if its the meds..and side effects..

so just trying...i manage and get things done..its going to be a busy week with work too...ugh...lots and lots to do...

but i gotta go to work now..just needed to get online for a little bit.

bad bad day

i was ready to overdose yesterday...

i didnt obviously..but the thoughts were there..the feelings were there..and i was just going to go along with it..i wanted it to just be over and done with..

am trying to pay more attention to what is going on..and stay busy..

the pdoc added back effexor ..and hopefully ill be able to fill the prescription next week..hopefully it will help

today...

today is just one of those days with to much happening all at once...

im not feeling good still..still sounding stuffed up and congested but i am able to be out and everything today without feeling like im going to pass out..

therapy was hard this morning....she asked me if i really was going to put the effort into healing..because the feelings she got from me said otherwise...and she is right..as much as i dont want to admit it..she is right.i dont want to do the work required to get better and feel better..i show up and hope that something will magically happen to make everything easier to deal with and easier to manage and all of that..i dont know what i want to do..or what i need to work on...


woke up this morning and my internet was off..and i wont be able to afford to get it back for a couple weeks..so ill be scarce for a while...not the best time to have to deal with this..but i guess i knew it was coming and will just have to deal..

but im at mcdonalds right now using there wifi..and well its free and i can get into things..so yeah..guess it works for right now and i know that ill be able to at least get online once a day..but yeah ...i better go

im tired of all of this...it sucks ..everything sucks

hmm...

yes...i think i need to work on some collages...head is completely full and im feeling anxious..

not the best day

got so mad and frustrated this morning with my job...i waited all morning and then went to pick up my check..and no one was freaking in the office who could give it to me! and i had stopped by before going somewhere else and so i couldnt hang around and wait and it just pissed me off..and im like i cant keep coming back and forth..and today is supposed to be payday..but i cant even get my check...ugh..and it made me mad..cas then i had to go to the bank and all that and was freaking out and everything..and so i wasnt able to get back to the office until like after 4..and then went to the bank...and thankfully between both my checks i can cover rent...but nothing else..and i have some choices to make concerning the money i do have...and yeah im ready to just say screw it to all things involving money.. :censor :censor trying to remind myself that at least im getting checks again..even if its not much..its better than nothing...over 2 months with no pay..and ive managed you know..thanks to a lot A LOT of help from friends and mommy..and my sister...and i hate needing to borrow money so much you know..cas well it brings up all sorts of feelings..and im hoping that will be a bit better now..and that im getting money coming in and i know ill have a paycheck every two weeks..and that soon it will add up..and that i just gotta work on getting in the hours..and ill start to see things improving...and yeah..so its still sorta touch and go..and day by day..but its something....for now its working..and i just have to deal with it...it will get better...it has to get better...and even with the best planning im still lacking what i need..and will just have to deal with the extra fees and bank issues later..without freaking out about it..cas this time around i can actually work on paying them back..

all that being said..im worn out..and stuffed up and in general rather cranky and out of sorts...went and got some meds earlier and have been taking them but im not sure they are really helping..and if they dont help by like sunday..then i have to look at the possibility of going to the doctor..and i cant afford that! but i have to work next week and need to have my head together..i have to work sunday and need to have my head together! ugh..but cancelled my evening person for today..cas just didnt have the energy to sit and talk to him and have to tell him to stop...and all that..so rescheduled..and will see how i feel on sunday..but either way i have to go on sunday!! but no work on monday..thankfully so ill have an extra day to regroup and get my head together.. and then next week it will be back to the usual lol..fun..but im hoping to sleep and not feel so stuffed up tomorrow...

greg is coming over tomorrow..cas he has to move stuff in for the moving truck thats coming in sometime this month ..and im trying to be nice about it and everything..and agreed to him coming..so now i just have to suck it up and deal with it..but im not up for him being here for long and i guess thats something we are just gonna have to figure out tomorrow..ugh..but yeah..its not like im helping him do anything...ill just be crashing on the couch..or something...nothing to thrilling you know...

but yeah i think maybe ill go and watch something on tv...need to get up and move and well maybe sitting up will help my sinuses clear a bit better..my goal for the weekend is to drink water!!!

Winnie-the-Pooh words of wisdom: "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

....

feeling miserable emotionally and physically .... think ive caught a cold or something..but im not sure..head hurts, throat hurts..nose is all stuffy..and just want to go back to bed but i cant cas i have to get paperwork done, and have meetings today and yeah.

and well just feeling miserable and depressed emotion wise...

im just all over the place and none of it is good and i just want to lay down and sleep..

waiting on a phone call...

i called my pdoc yesterday, and im still waiting for her to call back..and im freaked out by the fact that she didnt call me back yesterday..something needs to be done with my meds...the past few days ive done nothing at all..and it took some time for me to pick up on it but im depressed..and its getting worse..an im afraid its gonna end up with me losing my job..i spend my days just laying down..i go to work for a few hours and come home and lay down..i cant focus..im not motivated to do anything..and all of my paperwork stuff is suffering..and im just afraid i guess..and im still very suicidal..it got to the point the other day that i asked a friend if she would take bounce and dusti if anything happened :(..normally the 2 of them are all that keeps me here...and then the other night i was ready to give them away and just leave and go somewhere and never come back...i dont know whats going on with me at all..i should be happy and im not..i should be less stressed and im not..im just getting worse..and i cant even manage to tell linda everything that is going on...i suck...