calmed down i guess...

i have calmed down from yesterday evening..so that is pretty good...im not anxious about linda hving what ive written...because then i had to force myself to go back over what i had written because i didnt remember what i gave her...and i think that worried me a lot..not being sure what i printed off..and what she had..but i read through some of it and i felt better i think..still a lot of old stuff on my mind though..and really just still shocked i guess that i talked about what i did...

im still sorta struggling with how to approach my supervisor...its like for me the relationship has become more complicated..and i dont want it to be like that...i still want to be able to talk to her and to have her talk to me..and tell me stuff..and make me laugh..i dont want the s/i to be hanging over her and i guess that is a decision that i have to decide..and live with...do i see her any differently? be honest...i dont see her differently..and if anything i think my worship of her has gone up a couple notches ... its like i have someone who understands what it is like..the urges..the struggles....how hard it is..and she has accomplished what i want..she has stopped...she told me that it does get easier..with time..and i want to believe her..i want to trust her..i do trust her..and i trust that what she knows she will keep to herself...i mean crap i talked to her about my massive bleeding issue when that was going on...i dont think cutting is going to make her like never talk to me again...but i guess im wondering what she thinks of me..how she sees me..if i am different to her...questiosn that i am not comfortable asking her at all..but things that i wonder about...and i am nervous going to the office...and at the same time i feel the need to be in the office because that is a safe place..i can go there and it is quiet..and if i want to talk there are people to talk to..and i am cared for in some ways..and its interesting..that when i think of the office i feel like i fit in there..and i just want them to care about me ..need me...the director lady who i dont see very often..is the one i want a hug from...the people i talk to most often in the office are good for talking..but physical touch with them is not the same...and most certainly not from my supervisor..i already know she doesnt like to be touched..and she is just not a huggy person to me..where as i can see the director as a more huggy..more physical .. type person..and well me ..im just closed off..until i want something from someone..and then my boundaries are gone in an instant..and i just want comfort and safety and touch and ugh...its not easy...with everything that is going on right now..yes i want comfort big time..and i end up stuck and going back and forth because i am unsure of who to go to for comfort..and it makes me miss my prof and my friend who still are at my old college..who would hug me and i felt loved and cared for..and it makes me very very sad to know that my prof is moving all the way to california! i really wont be able to see her then..i mean we can email and stuff but its not the same..her being that far away...at least know i know that if i could i can go and visit her cas she is only a few hours away...but across the country is just not the same...-sigh-

head is a bit messed up...go figure

my head is full of information and things that i would rather not think about...ive been wasting time in the library and just reading and being online...nothing thrilling...checked my bank account and i have a whooping 5 bucks to my name..and i was pretty excited lol..geez im pathetic..

i saw linda today..and i talked to much for my own comfort...the need to punish myself is a little overwhelming right now..and im just trying to sort out what it is i need to do..i have the distractions and stuff i talked about with linda..and then i have the annoying stupid worksheets that i got from my supervisor...well for now im writing you know..but i keep thinking about the self soothing thing that i looked over and that makes me feel like im 5..and trying to figure out if its worth it...i mean im sitting here and getting more and more anxious about everything..and i can tell im anxious because i dont want to sit still any more..i want to get up and walk and do something..but still the need to just kinda stay put is winning out for right now..ill prolly write this and then leave and go home..well gotta run to the store and then going home...

i think its just all i talked about with linda today..stuff i had never wanted to tell anyone...stuff that really makes me think im crazy and makes me feel crazy..things that make total sense in my head..but when i say it out loud i can hear the absurdness of it..and i wonder how in the hell any of it makes sense...my belief ssystem is so screwed up..and where i believe i am bad and a nobody and invisible..linda doesnt...linda told me that she wishes i was nicer to myself..that i judge to harshly..and for the record no i would never treat another person the way i treat myself...never :(...but still i treat myself horribly..and i judge myself horribly...i am horrible and cruel and mean and spiteful and well you get the picture..i am not nice to myself at all..i am nice to other people..and then i go and look in the mirror and i just see everything i hate..and i cant like myself or be nice to myself or give myself a break..and i know i am just driving myself closer and closer to whatever edge i seem to be stuck on...i cant live up to my expectations..i have to be perfect...appear perfect...i have to just be more than me..because im not good enough...linda said i need to be honest about my beliefs and thinking and stuff..or i think thats what she said..and im trying to be honest right now..and being honest is making me feel even worse..because i honestly dont like myself....on a good day i can tolerate myself..and thats about all..

i have such a headache right now..theres so much pressure in my head and its not getting out and i dont know how to get it to stop..and i keep feeling the need to just get stuff out of my head..and just write it all down or say it all or do something..anything to make the pressure stop...see the problem with all the talking i did today with linda is that it wakes up old stuff..i remember old stuff..and i dont want to remember..and then my anxiety goes up and through the roof and i start to feel out of control all over again..and the urge to cut or to hurt starts up again and im trying ok...im trying not to think about the stupid razor i have at home...or how easy it is to break those things apart to get to the blades..i just need a little bit of relief ..is that so much to ask..i want to be able to push my secrets away..to bury them where they cant be found or used against me...because that how mommy works..she would find something out..discover something i had done and then do everything in her power to use it against me..i always feel like i have to be so careful with what i say...i wonder if what i say can get me in trouble..can be used against me..i cant comfortably say the first thing on my mind..or the second or thrid thing..by the time im done editing it all down in my head ..i dont have anything left to say..today with linda was an accident..i didnt mean to say so much..to talk about so much and to talk about so many feelings..and thoughts..i didnt mean to tell her that i deserve to die..or about how i felt like i have two sets of parents who dont want me...thoughts i have grown up with..thoughts that make sense to me..in all of there wrongness they make sense to me..

i need to calm down...and chill out...im out of trazadone until friday and that is really very sucky..but ill manage

god i wish i could just turn off my head for a while..just a little while...

todays ramble

Here I am again…trying to write and get the thoughts out of my head because they are getting overwhelming..the sadness is overwhelming me..and I feel afraid…lost..and alone..i don’t know who im supposed to be reaching out too..everyone else has there own lives and own things that they have to do during the day..and no one needs me and my issues messing things up..sometimes I wonder if my stuff will ever go away or if I will still be struggling with it all years from now..theres always the chance that I will kill myself some how..and that doesn’t even worry me…well I guess that’s one of those things ive accepted..ican accept that but I cant seem to accept anything else…I guess that makes me incredibly messed up..and I guess that makes my feelings of running out of time.probably very accurate and bothersome..i feel stuck and im not sure what I want to do anymore…im back on the edge and wondering I fi just need to step back or go over..i don’t know anything…and so many questions are in my head right now about my supervisor…she in not so many words told me that she used to cut..and that she hasn’t done it in 3 years…and that gave me a glimmer of hope..and that glimmer of hope was quickly overshadowed by the fact that my supervisor now knows and that I told her..and I guess im feeling vulnerable…I am forcing myself not to message her because I don’t know what I want to ask her..i want to know how she stopped..what it took…but im afraid of overstepping boundaries..and I realize that in conversating with her..we do have some fairly honest and straightforward conversations..and well gee ive had her analyze my dreams and all there craziness for hecks sake…but with this I am afraid..she gave me a lot of info..worksheets and dbt stuff..that I need to print out so that I will have more copies of it..but still im afraid…I don’t think the conversation is over completely..and because im feeling so afraid and vulnerable my walls are very much in place..and its like no saying anything..and so I am just thinking and wondering and worrying…so much worry..i had to ask her again that everything we talked about was confidential..and got that reassurance at least..but still the worry is there..and im trying so hard to keep my job…I am trying hard to just manage..and it seems like the harder I try the more my head gets away from me…im sad…very very sad… I wonder who is stupposed to protect me..who is supposed to keep me safe..but I was so mad that other people felt the need to protect me..somehow I still come across as just broken to some people..i don’t know..i do feel broken..i feel messed up..and lost in the maze of cruelness that is my head..i want to cut ok..thats what I want to do..and im mad at myself for throwing away what I used the other morning..i am ..  I don’t know what im feeling and I don’t want to deal with it…I want it to go away and leave me alone..i want to feel empty..nothing..may as well just lock me in a small dark place and forget about me..thats the feeling I want..

thoughts about today

today has been ok i guess...havent done anything really ...spent the morning cleaning a bit and then like just chilling ...i had my meeting at work and now im just sorta hanging around..supposed to be working on a missing note but of course enjoying the internet while im wasting time..but im not going to stay long today..cas the need to be at home is pretty strong..and have been like keeping myself occupied i guess..lots of writing and things..and just really nervous about seeing linda tomorrow and her being mad at me...and well just admitting that well the cutting happened and everything...not even sure it will make sense trying to explain why and how it happened..and how annoying it is that we gave in after all this time...i cant help thinking that it is like starting over..again..and wondering why i stopped in the first place..the relief was there..but that was after the tears ..and have never cried about cutting before and so that was really different...and well did throw away wwhat was used...but what about the next time the urges hit..or the next time the head goes off the wall..or something happens and everything...what will stop me then...i just hate all of this..and how it feels like it has been so long and we have been trying so hard and still its like we are going backwards...big time...and maybe it is just the changes and trying to get used to be alone and doing for ourselves and everything...and then all the feelings about my client and me having to go and drop him off at the residential place..and it bringing all of the adoption issues that have yet to be worked out..and then there is also the need to prove that i just need help..and i dont know how to get help..and so i do stupid things and then tell that ive done them because it warrants caring and support and i dont know of any other way to get that...except then i have to fight with myself to even admit it because half of the time i dont..but i dont know i guess there is just a lot going on and it stinks right now...

and i did tell my supervisor..about the cutting...well i actually told her today that it was cutting that i was dealing with...and she had given me a bunch of info yesterday on dbt stuff..and told me to work on the worksheets..and i told her that that stuff was juvenile and stuff that i already knew...and she told me to actually work on them and what not..and so ive looked through the info at least last night and a lot of it is stuff i have heard before..you know..ive never done dbt like the class dbt ..but ive had my therapist incorporate it into sessions..like ive had some of the worksheets or the info before...and so now i have all of that info...and today when i came in..we had a small convo texting while in the office..because i wasnt about to talk around my other supervisor...but well i told her..and everything..and right before i actually got around to texting her..she gave me another set of worksheets about cravings and urges and stuff..and told me to give them a try..and she gave me all of this info without me actually telling her what i had done..but then i told her..and she told me that she had kind of figured thats what it was slightly disconcerning you know..but i do believe that she also told me that it had been 3 years for her..and that the worksheets helped and i am assuming that she meant that she used to cut...and that is different...and sorta hard to wrap my head around i think..just going to take some thinking...because i wonder if i ssee her any differently..do i consider her to be different now..knowing what i know...and well i wonder if she sees me differently..but im also going to assume that she has prolly knowing or wondered for a while...but its just i dont know...different

well i wrote this last night

I don’t want to write today.  I don’t want to say anything else but the thoughts are filling up my head and afraid that if I don’t write then I will just have a repeat of this morning. I don’t want to admit what I did to anyone. But I did text heather and tell her. And I asked her to not be mad at me.  Im so scared that I have just messed everything up and that ive just ruined everything and thinking about it just makes my head hurt..

I don’t want acknowledge how desperate I felt this morning. How all rationale thought just kinda went out of my head and I reacted before I could completely think through what I was feeling. And I was just so angry.  I wasn’t expecting the scene of s/I and so I wasn’t prepared..and that was the first trigger. The second trigger was how the scene played out.  I get so caught up in the unjustness of how everything can be fixed on tv in like 30 mins..an hour if it is a really big problem..thats not the way it happens in real life..there is not immediate help and caring and support..and sometimes you are just left alone to deal with it all and it never ends..i was angry that the girl on tv got immediate help and understanding..i was jealous that there was someone there to offer immediate caring and support..and the need to prove it wrong was my overwhelming thought ..because if I do it..theres no one there to help me..its just me..and the huge mess I made..this morning no matter what I did it was still just me there..and there was no one to help me..no one to pick up the pieces..no one to put my back together..and when I realized what I had done..all I did was cried..and even then I didn’t stop..i had to work at getting the blades..and didn’t have what I wanted to use…but the pain I feel now is very real..i am reminded that I am alive..and I will deal with the pain..i did make a huge mess this morning and it is all still just kinda lying around because I haven’t picked anything up…I told myself I would throw away the razor and its blades that I just broke apart this morning..i told myself I would put back the glass and clean up what was broken..and I haven’t done anything ..i came home and laid down..and all I want to do is hide and forget what a mess I have made of everything..i tried so hard and still I failed again at this..i keep failing..and no Im not suicidal which surprises me all things considered..but I am very sad..and that is probably driving my need to just be quiet and alone tonight…if it was a little later I would have already overmedicated and just gone to sleep..but I know I will be up super early if I go to bed now..but I just want to stop my head..stop my thoughts…I just want peace and quiet and I cant turn off my head..i did call and make an appointment to see linda this week..although I guess I have prolly managed to make me mad at me to because of what I did..i am trying not to cancel the appointment..because I don’t want to admit it to her either…but if I wait I know I wont tell her..and I have to tell her..if I have to admit it then it may as well be to her..but it is going to be hard and im not even sure ill be able to get the words out…maybe I will work on a collage tomorrow before my meeting..i don’t see linda until 2 tomorrow..but right now work is light for me..and so I am just having a lot of time on my hands..and I don’t know what to do anymore..

just messed up :(

no real idea how to pull myself back from the edge..i have set up shop and seem to just be there..on edge..waiting.. i dont know..i dont know what happened this morning or how things got so out of hand ..all rational thought just kinda went out the window..got triggered...got upset..and just ended up messing up..a lot..cried afterwards..dont think that has happened before..but i will throw away what was used when i get home..and will have to clean up the huge mess that was made this morning..cas just kinda got up and walked out and left it all..head finally got around to realizing that i needed to get in touch with linda..and instead of calling and talking to her ..i called and made an appt to just see her..although now im fighting to keep the appointment and not cancel it..keep thinking there is nothing to say..no need to see her..but then that is put against the promise to tell her..the need to tell her..and have her help me...but i dont know..just not good in my head right now..and feeling physically bad from this morning..and trying to get work stuff done and everything and just go home and lay down..and the thing is this morning was going fine...was in a good mood..and feeling ok..and was watching a show and the trigger was unexpected and it was react and not think..got so upset..and i guess jealous too...maybe i just need to be banned from ever watching tv again...but have an appt to see t on wed...and im sure ill even be able to tell her..i know i wont tell her if i wait until next week...i really wont..so have to see her this week and somehow tell her...just want to go and lay down really..thats kinda all i want...

just not ok

I guess I need to write..maybe im just confused about everything lately and have no real idea about what happened last week…the problem is that I do remember what happened … kind of…its like it happened to someone else..someone who isn’t me…im fine..i feel fine..im not suicidal..im not wanting to cut..my mood is fairly stable the past like 2 or 3 days or something…but I know that for 2 days I was suicidal..i was very suicidal, and unsafe with myself..i was unstable..out of control..however you want to describe I was completely out of my mind…I mean I got to the point of feeling like I was going to either have to call linda or take myself to the hospital because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do..given I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital without a lot of other stuff happening..but I know I would not have voluntarily walk into the hospital and just say ‘hey I want to kill myself..so help me’..i cant see that happening ..and yes I was suicidal but I guess this time I cant say that something wouldn’t have happened because I don’t know..i wanted blades but didn’t let myself buy them…but even without them im sure I thought of other ways to die..i really don’t know what was going on..i just felt so alone..so out of it…so completely on edge and invisible…and I know now that feeling invisible is a huge trigger for me..and I know that I need to have a set plan or something in place if that happens again..a plan to keep safe of course…because I cant ..because I forget what to do to stay safe when im like that..i forget everything that makes sense pretty much when I am like that..and its not good..but then when im feeling fine again..its like those bad days didn’t happen..and that there is no point in making any list or making plans for the next time..i don’t want there to be a next time … but then ill just forget about it anyway…the last time something like this happened was before I moved to heathers..last summer and all of that..when I was really going downhill fast..except it lasted longer I think than a couple days…but that was the other time when things were really bad and when I got out of it I forgot about it..i wasn’t able to connect to the feelings..i couldn’t connect to the thoughts..or emotions..heck I couldn’t even believe I could feel that badly…that hopeless..that ready to die…but I can..and it happens every so often…I guess it would be helpful if I could keep track of the times when I am emotionally unable to handle anything else..i know there have been other times but I don’t remember them…I know of the one that just happened and the one from the summer..but even those just feel like stories that I have been told about someone…its something that I haven’t actually experienced when I have…it was me..i know because I glanced back over what I wrote..because I saw it, and read it..and its in my blog so I know it came from me…but at the same time it just feels so alien..i don’t know..maybe I was expecting this to happen you know..i was afraid of being alone..and well I freaked..i flipped completely out and I felt alone..i was alone..and I couldn’t handle it…and it happened and now it feels like it was a million years ago and im fine now and able to manage again..yeah I worked a little harder to get out of the house because I knew I was isolating and making it worse..the feeling were so overwhelming and consuming..and its so hard to explain how I let myself get like that..and I don’t know how it stopped..i just woke up and it was over..i felt better…calmer..more in control..and I don’t know what changed or what really caused the change..i don’t and its so confusing and I hate feeling confused..i cant figure myself out anymore..and I just try to get through the day without freaking out..and I try to stay positive when I really just want to go somewhere and die or go and run away and hide..and just ignore everything..im supposed to be working on staying present and I don’t want to..i don’t want to be present when all I want to do is die..or cut..or something else that just hurts…or maybe I do want the pain because that I know is real …I watched a video a couple weeks ago I guess and there was a very graphic scene involving cutting it..and it was a trigger..a big trigger..i was afraid I would give in to the urge..i wanted to give in to the urge..i wanted to just cut and be done with it..last week I wanted to cut and well die I guess..how is it possible to even what to die one day..and to not care another..i don’t think I want to die though..i just want a break..from life..the whole idea is rather funny because I consider my life to be very boring and dull and yet I want a break from it…sometimes I cant deal with my life..i cant deal with my thoughts..my feelings..my emotions…sometimes the hate I feel towards myself is so very overpowering…sometimes I don’t know how to keep myself alive when its like my  whole goal is to manage to kill myself…I am afraid for myself..im afraid of myself…and then I get caught up in proving I am in control of myself..that I don’t need help from anyone..that I am fine..and I think that if I can convince everyone else im fine then no one will be able to stop me from killing myself…how is that for messed up..and I really don’t think ive thought about that particular thing in a long time…its like I have to protect everyone else from really finding out what I am doing or planning…and I guess my plan changes every so often but the outcome is still the same..in the end I have managed to die..either on purpose or by accident.. why am even writing all of this down…I don’t know what I want..or who I am..what I am..whatever…I got so good at pretending that im afraid ill never be able to stop..im afraid ill never be able to know who I am…but then I don’t like myself and I guess I wonder what the point is..i wonder what im supposed to be doing … I wonder if ill ever get around to actually helping myself..its stupid I guess..that I cant help myself..but I want to help everyone else.. I need to help everyone else because that’s all I have to measure my self worth…but I still feel like I am dying…much slower than before since im no longer cutting..but I am still dying..its feels like im just managing until I figure out how ..to do whatever it is that I am wanting to do…is it bad of me..to think of dying so much? To want to die so much?  Maybe some of the weight of all of this would be taken off if you would just talk about it you know..instead of pretending that things are ok and fine…how is it so easy to forget that all the years of being quiet has gotten you nothing…but again talking about all of this just makes me feel like doing something stupid or over medicating so I don’t have to deal with myself…I cant talk about it..i cant even force myself to talk about it..i cant say what happened..i wish that it was possible for linda to just read what was in my head without me having to say anything…but again that may not be safe..my heads not even safe for me..im not sure I would voluntarily invite someone else into my head…my head is crowded enough as it is…but well I guess its time to stop writing this…I have to work on work stuff..fun…hmm yeah guess that’s all I have to say for now..

return of sanity...

i guess i can stay that...say that i am sane again...say that i am back outside of my head and able to feel like i can function like a normal person....i hope like heck that what went on yesterday is over and done with but im not sure..i can still feel the same thoughts and feelings in my head and just waiting to take over..to push me over the edge..and i promise next time that i will call and ask them to get in touch with linda...i managed last night although it took everything i had and then some..and even at the end of it i wasnt sure what i was going to do or what i wanted to do..i really didint...i think it helped this morning knowing that i had a goal in mind..a plan..an appointment that i had to go to...having something external to focus on helped..and it was something that was not related to work and so that made it easier to focus and not try to talk myself out of it....my plan for the weekend is to get out of the house..on saturday im going to the movies and then the library for internet purposes..and sunday ill have to figure out someplace to go..but sunday is also supposed to be rainy and snowy so it may turn into just being in the house but i have books and can work on collages and stuff at home...plus i need to clean and do laundry and paperwork and stuff...so lots to do..but just gotta keep up the motivation to actually do stuff...writing helped some yesterday..and then i went home and watched a movie until i felt tired and laid down...it was hard for me to fall asleep though because i had taken a nap yesterday afternoon...but i slept...weird dreams again and woke up feeling a bit sick and nervous..but am feeling better now..and i am out of house and everything....
so im going to just spend a bit more time in the library working on some work stuff that is due today so i can get it emailed in..and then ill prolly just go home and take it easy...give myself a break you know..or at least trying to give myself a break..

what is happening to me?

it has been a while since ive felt this suicidal..this bad...this close to cutting just to give myself a break....im wearing myself out trying to stay stable and sane..and well to put it nicely it is not working at all...i feel invisible and that is a big big trigger for me...because i start to wonder what i need to do inorder to prove that i am still alive..that i am still functioning and making it through the day..and that i am still here..i wonder what the point of all of this is and why im even bothering..i feel empty..im a nobody a waste of space...and the thought of just dying and being done with it all is very appealing to me right now...i want to cut and i keep thinking about the knives at home..i dont have any blades anymore and im not allowing myself to go to the store because i know i will get some and then use them...i wonder if i need to call linda and i wont allow myself even that..because somewhere in my head im being yelled at and told to suffer..isnt it nice..when even your own head is against you...i feel sad and lost and alone...loneliness has been really bad ..is really bad right now...and i dont know what to do to make it go away..i dont know how to make it better for myself right now..i really dont...how much longer to the bottom of what ever it is i am having to deal with because i just want to get there and be done with it...right if i get to the bottom then all thats left is going back up..well darn it i just want to level out..i would be very happy to just reach a neutral zone...and figure out what in the world is going on...the problem is i dont know why im feeling so badly..maybe i dont want to know why..maybe im just so screwed up that its logical that i would fall apart now..i mean all the long months of holding it together and getting by ..and its like well ive reached the end and now its time to fall apart...im not allowed to fall apart living with someone else..im not allowed to fall apart at work..or at home or anywhere really...i guess..and then i end up in my apartment and alone for the first time in months..and its like ok grace period is over..let the real stuff go on and happen now...and its like all that is been trapped and all that i refused to let out or acknowledge or deal with is all coming out now..and it is overwhelming..and scary..because i dont trust myself to stay safe...i dont trust myself at all and i worry about what i will do...i worry about forgetting or not remembering something ive done and it turns into a bad bad situation...i have to check and recheck my meds in the morning to remind myself that i am taking them..because i forget..and dont remember what im doing anymore..i remind myself to go to work and then forget and am late more often than not..well that and most of the time lately i dont want to go to work anyway..i want to hide or run away..or forget that im alive and just sleep ..i want to just sleeo forever and never have to talk to anyone or deal with anything...i want to forget i exist the way it feels like everyone else has done....i feel invisible..and completely alone...and that is never a good thing for me...its just not because it leads to things that i dont want to do but feel i have to...i have to remind myself that im alive and that involves constant pain or making myself suffer..or just doing stupid things....and then..i just end up more messed up than before... sometimes it just feels like there is no hope left for me ..and i should just give up now and save myself the trouble of giving up later on...

insecure....

i think that is my problem lately...im feeling really insecure with all of the changes going on..and i guess im not being validated enough to make it all seem worth it...like im just waiting for something to happen to mess it all up..im waiting for 'me' to just mess it all up and i dont know what to do...logically i know things are ok and that things are fairly good right now..even with all of the struggles going on...but at the same time its like ok things cant be good for to long without something happening..i wonder if i am going to screw up things..somehow cause things to mess up..and so i just i dont know go through the day and just keep hoping for something to happen but i dont know what im waiting for..i dont know what i want to happen or what i need to happen..i dont know how to validate myself or my feelings or anything..and maybe that is what i saw t for..thats what t did for me..made me feel normal..and stable at least for a little while...i know im supposed to be feeling all positive and everything but i dont know..lately the depression is getting the best of me..and im not sure what to do about it..i have a stable job that allows me plently of free time..i have a paycheck give or take lol...you know i have bounce and a place to live and a car that works and still the depression is weighing heavily on me...im finally back on my correct meds and now its like they arent working :( and i dont want that to happen...i just want to be happy and stable..and nothing seems to give that to me..not meds..or therapy..or working..nothing...and i just am at a loss i guess for what to do to make it better...maybe i need to give the meds more time cas really its only been a little while that they have been right....but still the depression is big and overwhelming right now...to the point of not wanting to get out of bed..and not wanting to go to work..and i really dont want to have to deal with a med change .... most of the time i feel better..i do...but i guess i dont feel ok enough of the time to make it noticeable..and that is tiring...because most of my free time i am spending alone at home, or sleeping at home..if im not at work then im alone now without my sister around..and i know its not good to be alone so much..but i cant help it...i feel like i need to contain myself..to somehow stay in control of myself and my emotions and if i am at home alone and feeling crazy then no one is looking at me or laughing at me or anything...but i am really cut off with being at home and not having internet..because most of my interactions is online and stuff...and so its like im setting myself up to just fail at everything right now...some days i have to force myself to come out and use the computer at the library or take my computer with me to work or something..i just dont want to do anything at all...

today my client asked me if i ever get mad...he told me that he couldnt see me mad..and that i was also so humble...and part of me was thrilled that my 'control' is still so very much in place..and that nothing can cause it to sllip...and at the same time he mentioned that he was baseing it on what he saw when i was with him.and that he did not know how i was the rest of the time..and well i told him i got mad ..and i left it at that..but i guess it is still really important for me to appear in control and normal and sane..when really my head is just at war with itsself and its just tiring trying to stay present and get through the day. i told linda on tuesday that i really didnt know how i managed to do my job when i felt so crazy and unstable most of the time...i dont understand how i do it..i dont understand how i can give so much..and be expected to give so much when i feel like i am just out of anything to give..i have just been sucked dry and i dont have anything to give anyone ..but i would give to someone else before i even considered giving to myself or doing self care or something like that..maybe thats why im feeling so at odds with myself lately..

found this qoute in a book...

"He wondered which was worse...a child whose spirit could not outlive a broken body; or, like himself, a man whose apparent health hid a soul that had died years before."

i guess i just wonder sometimes what i am really fighting for..what i am alive for...and why all my plans from before never managed to become anything..i dont want to die you know..but sometimes i guess i just find the idea appealing...and i just want a break from life...to just get away...to leave for a while...

no i dont know whats going on at all...

my own worst enemy....

thats what i am today...i am at war with myself..with my thoughts..feelings..emotions..all of it...i cant deal with how i am today and that is casue for concern i guess...and i just cant figure out why...its pretty bad today..and i have a major headache and am feel very just 'no touch/no talk' mode..and i dont know how to get out of this mood...right now im just hanging out at my work office using the internet and seeing if that will help..but i dont think ill stay to long today..because i just want to go and hide out at home or just isolate big time...i dont know..

life goes on i guess...not feeling to positive about things today

disappointed right now

kinda disappointed in things right now and how they are working out for my 10 yr old client...his foster family didnt work out and he is being packed up and taken to the agency as we speak...im sad and worried for him and just frustrated that it has taken this long to come to this...since i started the mom hasnt wanted him..and the dad pushed for it..and this kid has been left in limbo for months..just kinda knowing something is going on and not being able to do anything about it..and then the family places his ability to stay on his behavior..how can you tell a 10 year old that he can stay if he is good enough?  how can you tell anyone that ?? and so yes i fully believe this kid gave up...this kid has been in what 7 foster families?  and they are expecting what? a miracle?  and so im told i HAVE to go to this meeting this afternoon..regardless of my plans of course...im told i have to speak for this child that no one wants...and help them figure out a placement for him..or tell them something they dont know about the kid..and how he is..and im just frustrated...ive been told i need to know where i stand on the issue..do i want him to stay in the placement..or do i not...do i stay in the middle and let the 'adults' fix this...and no i firmly believe that the placement should have ended before christmas..the kid has been told again and again that he was not wanted..and he got left in the house without the correct support for his issues...so no i dont want him placed back there...and i dont know what they are going to do to find him emergency placement..or even if ill be seeing him again after today..because of where he may be placed..and it is frustrating...and disheartening..just not knowing what is going to happen...it really is...

depression seems to be winning out the past few days.....big time...i just want to sleep..and really all im trying to do is make it to next week so that i can just get my meds filled...thats pretty much all

upset...

You know I really really pissed off right now and im trying to let it go and move on but I keep thinking about it and it makes me mad…I really wonder if I am just expected to be happy all the time…am I not allowed to be sad or upset or have a bad day with out it being questioned or commented on in a way that makes me wish I hadn’t said anything…and yet im considered paranoid when I say that stuff has a way of getting back to mommy..freaking a ..someone tells mommy that because of stuff I have posted on facebook that they can tell I haven’t been happy..or there was a time I wasn’t happy…really??  Why is it her busy?? Why does it feel like im being told on? Why is it not ok for me to have a bad day or something without mommy having to end up questioning it…its not her business..its no ones business to go back and talk about what ive written or posted or whatever..i feel like im always going to have to ce nsor what I say because someone it will be used against me in some way..god a lot of stuff has happened in the past two months..i would say that being sad or not happy was perfectly acceptable..job issues..pet issues..money issues..no I haven’t been happy darn it…there is a lot going on and im sorry that im not able to always present as being happy..to freaking bad..