long day

finally im starting to feel half way normal again...i might actually try to listen to what mommy said and not worry about it for now..sure it will only last for a few days but i need a break so ill take what i can get..today was well a heck of a long day..classes should just be banned and lets make the world a better place...still woke up feeling like i had been run over with something my back hurt so much..what ever i did i swear ill never ever ever do it again! but its getting better now so maybe its not so bad..policy was ok, practice bores me to tears..and i finally finally managed a 100 on my bio quiz and then of course i started swearing i put the wrong answer down and hmm maybe i failed but still i know i should have made a 100..rats now ill worry until thursday when i get my score back..anyhoo hlth was ok..depressing but not horribly so..i think it will take me the whole semester to get used to that class..and while im on the subject why havent i gone to get an hiv test? well besides the obvious i dont have a reason but still now i think it would make me feel better to be 100% sure. hmm got to finally catch an episode of supernatural and that was gret of course..my weekly scare and decent looking guys are always fun for an hour of my night..and thats pretty much how dull my day was..took my vitamin yay me..and im such a dork but still after almost 6 months of skipping them heck 2 weeks is an accomplishment.

randomly today i was thinking how much i want kids..like seriously..and once i realized where it was going i stopped the thoughts or tried to..but still its like weird everyone expects me to have kids first! do i look like a parent or something? is it written somewhere that i am destined to have kids?? and then i think of growing up and how i was so positive i wanted to have kids..twins actually..two little girls..one would be named nicole of course and the other i dont know yet but my first daughter just has to be nicole..other wise she really will be forgotten completely..i think she has been forgotten but i try to remember even if it is just what ive been told i still try eventhough it makes me so sad *deep breath*..hmm right now im really liking savannah or sierra as names for daughters..i think those are pretty names..i think of if ill see olivia over break or justin and julius..suddenly i miss all my kids i watched..the more i think about it though the more its like my drive for having kids really has nothing to do with the kid..yes babies are cute and soft and completely lovable without trying and for some reason smell so good all the time minus the diaper arena..but really its nothing to do with the actual kids..its for the relationship. having a baby is like having someone who needs you completely, they depend on you for safety, food, love, all of that stuff without attachments..so i realized that today..and then of course i got back around to my usual stuff as in heck no im not having kids..one im not doing what it takes to get kids and the actual having a baby part makes me hurt thanks to all the stupid hospital birth scenes on tv where the women scream bloody murder at everyone..funny yes but still painful and im not sure i could take a shot in the back..yet another ouch factor..and besides i would be a horrible parent..all that stuff about how you turn out to be just like your mom is something i just odnt happen to want and if it takes not having kids to make sure it doesnt then so be it..maybe henry or nia or wayne even will have kids before me and i can help them...henry and nia most likely..i told henry once that when he had kids i would just keep them for him to make sure they did things like eat ..henry will need all the help he can get when it comes to kids lol..hmm was it him or wayne who put the diaper on backwards?! not that i can speak heck i put shoes on the wrong foot..another good point my kids are so going barefoot until theres like 3 and then ill just put letters on the bottom of their shoes for them and save myself the trouble..hmm ok rant on kids over for now..its just creepy that sometimes i still want kids, huge responsibilty or not..but it wont be happening any time soon, any time in the near or far future either if i can help it...

hmm the weather is weird as anything..to hot but im cold, to cold but im hot..i swear rawl just induces hot flashes when you walk in the building that had the heat on so high..ugh..and as much as i hate being hot,,im possibly working at a camp..essh but that interview will be next week and i cant forget that..along with a bunch of other stuff i will have to get done..oh well ive rambled enough i guess and now im tired

sick

im sick of being sad

sunday

for some reason these days just never want to end. i have no idea what to do with myself..i did my hair at least it was starting to annoy me and thats about all..i havent even cleaned up the huge mess i left in the bathroom. i got a call about the camp thing and i have to do a phone interview next week for that. otherwise are the same i guess but i did talk myself into painting last night..weird pictures that i of course cant explain..started a new book and nothing is on tv so im watching dark angel..i really want to watch higer ground and im not sure how that will make me feel..sometimes its ok and sometimes its not. one of these days mommy is going to catch me lying about the church stuff..i really really hope that she doesnt but still it makes me feel guilty..i know i dont go and i have yvonne on call to lie for me if it even comes up and mommy asks her if i go to church or something...it really shouldnt be a big deal and it is..and hmm sometimes i wonder if i should go back and at least give it another try but church just isnt my thing..maybe its just religion in general or maybe its just i dont trust what i cant see..ok ill go for the last choice..i dont even trust what i can see..hmm im back to letting everything slack off again, i dont want to be bothered but yvonne is worried and paying a bit more attention to me when she can..she got into a play and now she will be uber busy and ill be by myself alot..not that im worried ill do anything because ill just bore myself to tears and sleep more than i should to keep myself from doing anything..i dont want to be bothered and i dont want to be alone really either..thats like the sad and mad thing..theres always something that has to be at odds with each other in my head..it cant just leave me alone...im trying to think of something i want to eat but ive munched all day on junk food and now i want to go b/p but i dont want to cook to have a reason to but its one of those things i just know ill do eventually and i should go ahead and do it to get it over with..so wants going on that has completely screwed my head up for my weekly crisis..i found out thursday that i wont be getting fin aid for next semester and its not like i have thousands of dollars just lying around for me to use..its my fault it happened though and if i hadnt screwed things up for almost two years then my grades wouldnt have sucked and i would have graduated on time and i wouldnt be stuck now..mommy says not to worry and i said ok but i will worry i am worried..i dont know what im supposed to be doing..i keep thinking that if i am suicidal then i have to tell someone..im stuck telling someone and so i keep talking myself out of it but it takes so much work doing that..finding something to stick around for..and now linda and jenny are asking me to make sure i dont go anywhere..talk about random conversations..it really sucks promising that though.feeling to much and nothing is dulling it out..still i promise to try and i think about what happened to susan and she said she would try and i havent heard from her in overa year, she promised to try and she didnt..no idea where she is or even if shes even alive anymore..and that sucks because i really really wanted her to be ok..we were supposed to do so much stuff, we talked about the oddest stuff and it was ok with her..but now i dont know..too much going on..my whole little be nicer to myself im so planning on starting that in a few weeks..after you know i stop sucking so much

long day

no better, a little worse. still wanting to go away but i dont know..yvonne is worried and that my fault to for writing what i did in my other journal..maybe i did want her to worry but not that soon..she in turn wrote this whole long thing about why im around and eventually got around to telling me she needs me and i dont get that often..i dont ask for it either but this morning when i read what she wrote for the first time it was a huge surprise..some of that stuff i had forgotten and she said she is going to add more stuff to the list and i told her not to and she said she will anyway..im hoping she will forget about it. maybe ill print it out so ill have it just to have. i still cant really put whats going on in my head into words yet..im so mad and sad at the same time..no idea how they work so well together but for now they are and i think it will all just end up with me at the health center getting my leg looked at..still its starting to not hurt anymore and all i want to do is add more to them..well not burn again but i dont know about that either really

hurt

everything in my head is just yelling at me to say im fine and i really really really want to but them i remember why i wont be able to sleep tonight and i know im not really fine..if i said i was fine all day long then maybe ill get around to believing it again. i think ill have to come up with something else to be besides fine. oh like maybe the whole truth..not that i lie i just dont like ppl worrying and fine is just fine..not good not bad just somewhere in the middle. at least i was calmer today..but ive learned calm is not exactly always a good thing..im still stuck in major blame and nothing is helping..i keep trying to make it go way and nothing is working..prolly not picking the safest things i could think of to try but im not really into dangerous zone either..yet..and everything hurts and im not complaining but i wouldnt mind sleeping off all of it for a long while..i want to forget what ive done but i cant do that either..now i just wonder what im doing and what ive done in less than 24 hrs and why it wont stop and why it has to hurt and why i just cant manage to make it all go away.

if today got any better i would be dead and even thats not good enough..this is my fault and nothing will change that

dont know

something is seriously bothering me i just dont know what yet...kinda funny i got completely lost in the hospital today..all the construction around the hospital had my usual way blocked off..so i learned a new way and maybe the hospital isnt as creepy as i like to think it is..i found the gift shop..but crossing the street is still really scary with the whole moving cars thing..hmm today i figured out that maybe im not a compelete lost cause..why i dont know but since i dont see it ill let to let other ppl see it for me..and i got that i dont really need mommy to make myself feel horrible..ive perfected the art of being mean to myself..the whole control thing will take some time as will a heck of a lot of other stuff..im trying incredibly hard to not start yelling at myself cas i really want to just to do it..still working on the emotion thing and so far ive learned that i spend most of my sad for some reason and the rest of the day i dont but i can pick out saddness..and if i take out love the info i got isnt that bad..i think before i pull out the book on parents even though i can think of 50 million reasons for why thats not a good idea but if im gonna do it i have to start before next week..the closer it gets to the 10th the more ill end up getting stuck in my own little world..or suicidal which ever works..but anyway what i thought up on the way home..im not seriously scared anymore and i dont know when it happened but the thought just kinda threw itsself at me today..still a bit scared of talking because i know eventually all my ok topics will be talked out and theere wont be anything left to talk about except everything else..but im not scared over the reactions anymore kinda or against my better judgement im learning how to trust..slowly but learning all the same. hmm my head hurts but i have to get going...

so

march 1 is s/i awareness day and besides the fact of forgetting it every year i really think i should at least remember it...i saw a post about somewhere online a couple weeks ago and thought about it and then forgot about it..so much for awareness if i dont even hear anything about it..i was thinking about it last night for some reason and not that i have anything to do about it..so i posted it a couple places just so other ppl would know.

tired but im really about to start getting ready before i manage to miss the bus

im pretty sure i waws thinking of something else when i started writing but now im forgetting it so ill finish later i think.

depressing class

the more interesting my health class gets the more depressing it gets too..and we had a speaker today a guy living with aids and he was a good speaker and he got his point across..good grief he got it across and yea i so know im not doing anything that would put myself at risk and yet im still scared i will get this virus or some other life threatening disease and then ill die..its like ok so im never touching anyone and im never doing anything and ugh i think im just overly paranoid..and every week in class just makes me more worried i will get something..i leave myself open to infections enough now i dont really need or want anyone else giving me anything..so im in class listening to this guy talk about his mistakes and it was hard listening to it because he didnt come right out and say you know by the way i have aids..no it was talk for a while, ask us to questions and then ask how it is he would now..by then i was wondering but i wasnt sure and not to be a complete spazz but he looked so normal and healthy and not what ever image i happen to have of someone with hiv or aids..it was surprising in a lot of ways because he went through a lot and hes dealing with what he has to and of course acceptance managed to come up and it was just a depressing talk even though things worked out for him..and so i came home and so told yvonne to be safe because well just because

i didnt skip any classes today..even when most of the class left early in bio.i stuck it out because getting the notes off line just wouldnt help me because i wouldnt even read them..i need to write them down and so ill be stuck in class every time not leaving early..practice bored me..policy turned out better than i was expecting it too..i got my paper back today and i was so convinced i had done horribly on it and i was ready to just you know cry in class or something equally weird and i ended up getting 9 out 10 points..so much better than i was hoping for because by the time i even turned it in i was just hoping to get higher than a 5..and we got out early in health depressing class or not..and then i went to the store with shameeka and that was fun and i got rent and now im watching it..although im pretty sure it wont make me feel much better..hello movie on aids here..talk about bad choice of movies but i like it all the same and i wouldnt have been able to buy it without watching it and now ill juts stay up..and i found out my phone got here today and its at the office so im going to try and get it tomorrow before i have to head over to hike around the hospital..i really want it because my phone now i just want to throw out the window..ive wanted to throw it at the wall a lot too just because i dont want it or like it and its just an argument magnent or something...so ill get that tomorrow and so how i managed to get all my work caught up that has been due lately and i havent done it..even did good on my grade replacement thing..talked to henry and as usual that was fun and dusti is well being dusti..and im going back and forth so i guess im done for the night

tuesdays should be banned

i dont want to go to class
im putting off getting out of bed and i think im gonna be late anyway
and i dont want to see what i managed to do yesterday.hmm but ill have to look at them at some point. maybe i should take care of them or maybe ill do it tomorrow.

random

woohoo actually been taking my vitamins for a whole week...so it took all day to come with one halfway good thing.

otherwise hmm same old same old..so i drowned out the night with sitcoms..and house is not a show for me..geez that doctor made me mad..i miss strong medicine and it sucks they ended the show..now i have to work on getting the dvds..guess thats all..im working on some new project not sure how it will turn out but ive decided i will just have to figure out some way to like and be nice to myself that kinda wont end up with me dying..and im pretty sure i would rather suffer a year of math classes but oh well..something about sacrifices comes to mind..nah a year of math would lead to suicide so i guess im taking the good part of the deal. how its gonna happen i dont know but i guess ill have to think of something eventually.

the journey

The Journey- Mary Oliver


One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

little steps

i go down stairs this morning and see all this stuff on the floor and for a second i seriously thought something had exploded..and then i remembered we had a silly string war last night..yvonne came back last night with her mom and i got vday presents from her mom and she gave us silly string again..and we proceeded to empty both cans in about 20 mins and now its all over the walls and carpet..and it was fun last night but cleaning it up is going to be a killer..dusti and ming cant decide what it is so they go back and forth between sniffing it and advoiding it..kinda funny because when we were spraying each other with it last night they were hiding and we did it with yvonnes mom sitting right there..not that she wwas yelling at us because she was giving tips on how to get each other lol..but yvonne did start it this time..i think i started the last one we had and i still lost it becuase someone i got trapped in my room covered in silly string..and then she took dusti for ransom and i had to get mind for ransom and still i lost but it was..and i got a really cute ducky washcloth and car ebear chocolate and umm hot toddy drink mix which im not sure i like because you put whiskey in it but ive never had it so i dont know..i might just give it to yvonne because i know she likes it and a few others things and it was really nice..

fun aside im in a really crummy mood and if i could feel any worse right now i have no idea what i would be doing..its just im getting so mad at what i did and the more i try not to think about it the more i notice it..and the more i just think about how bad i am and how much i suck and it keeps going back and forth between them..im trying hard to keep it from going any farther than that but its not working great and its making me want to cut..and as i was talking to myself this morning i keep telling myself to stop it and its funny because the sec i say stop i do for like 5 secs and then i start again..for some reason im refusing to let myself forget what i did and as annoying as it is its getting on my nerves..ive been at it all morning and the yelling at myself doesnt hurt but my side does and i really just want to stop and cry and i wont and i really want someone to tell me it will be ok and i wont go ask because that would kinda mean id have to come up with some reason for my side to be hurting in the first place and i wont do that either and the meds i ttook this morning made my headache go away but its like my side is hurting more the longer im awake..and the more it hurts the more upset i get..i should have known better..this is just a sucky day..stupid ongoing day and i would prefer to juts stay in bed and forget im alive but im not sleepy and just laying in bed would make things worse..not even thinking about rent coming put is lifting my mood..i want to throw something and i guess its a good thing i have nothing breakable handy i really just want to destroy something..theres only so much i can handle doing to myself..so thats out...or maybe not..that would be two weeks down the drain..i dont care i just want my head to leave me alone..accept the inevitable and forget about it...i just kinda know i wont make it through the day..and i know ill just feel worse about it but for now thinking about that i have to get out of bed at some point and go to campus and if i just go now i wont think clearly about anything and it would be a waste.. i have to calm down for one thing or else i wont even make it out the door..its like ok deep breath and some where in there concentrating will start but it wont be enough..nothing works

a little bit earlier i was randomly looking at my collection of books and i had forgotten i had one on acceptance..prolly because i havent finished it yet but i looked at it for a little while and lucky me and actually at the part on acceptance..read it for a min got annoyed and put it back...one of these days ill get around to finishing it..took me almost a year to read the one on parents and that was after swearing off ever finishing it but curiousity got the better of me and i finished it..and thinking about it now makes me remember why i didnt even like it..ugh stupid ook anyway and i didnt believe any of it.maybe i just didnt want to..right now everyhting really really bothers me but not what i wanted to write about anyway..why cant i accept anything? everything is stupid..nevermind

really bored

its only 8 and im already considering going to bed..its either go to bed or stay mad at myself..for some reason i didnt realize until i started hurting that i b/p 3 times in less than 24 hrs..i dont know what i was thinking but now it just hurts moving because my sides hurt alot right now..randomly noticed it while i was laying on the floor playings sims..so i ate ice and now i cant stop shaking either..right now everything sucks and hurts..i feel like im gonna fall apart for some reason..its like well i wanted to hurt and so i am but when i was thinking about it i didnt exactly want this..and now im done complaining..but i remembered the other part of what i was thinking about last night while i was reading..it was boundaries..i couldnt remember what it was this morning when i was writing..but it said that we make boundaries as kids and there in place by the time your 2 and they either stick or get screwed up..as a kid what do you need bounudaries for? i cant come up with any reason for having them that young and ive been thinking about it but then i had to consider what my definition for boundaries was..and i think its like your either blocking something or protecting something..i know everyone has boundaries but i dont know when or why i made them and i cant even think of any i happen to have..i pretty sure i have some but with the definition im thinking of i cant get any to come up..maybe i have the wrong definition of what they are...im being really stupid because ive taken enough classes that i should know the correct definition of the word anyway and i cant think of it..i cant think of how they are made either..its like the personality thing..my theory is that kids are just born with a certain personality and then it grows as they do and its pretty much set by the time they hit school age but changes can still be made as things happen in life..and that makes sense just because well it does.my personality is umm boring at best i manage to bore myself..but if i cant even figure out who i am i cant really say my personality is stuck..i think it changes like every week..so what makes a person who they are? why do ppl do the things they do..or more specific why do i do what i do..since it eventaully gets back to me somehow..life would be grand if i could figure out one little detail about anything but right now im not sure what im trying to figure out anymore..i half talked it over the someone is lying to me thing i wrote a few days ago and what i keep getting centers on self esteem and lack thereof and that for some reason mommy has managed to get me to believe all of this stuff that isnt true..and it sucks because i keep trying to come up with excuse i can think of to get the blame and its just not working..like when i try really hard to define why im a bad person and i cant think of anything..its like having someone sit there and tell me over and over i suck just because they can until i believe and then years later i find out that maybe im not really bad but then all the other stuff wont go away..and i dont like any of it but its like really what will be lefet once its all gone..i dont know how exactly but i know eventually i will get around to making it all go away..and for half a second suicide came up but the problem with that would be thats kinda forever and i dont think i want that..i would miss my movies to much to be shallow for a second..sometimes i feel guilty for promising that i wont do it when i guess if i was weighing the options seriosuly i wouldnt care much about what i promised..unless it didnt work and then i wouldcare because then i would have to go and tell them what i did..not that it would matter much since she lives half way around the world..besides if it didnt work i would be in so much trouble..ok changing subjects before i start thinking about all the reasons suicide isnt gonna work..umm all ive done is seriously confuse myself right now..im just to annoyed with myself to want to think about anything right now...i cant believe i let myselffor what ever reason b/p that much..i couldnt have been that bored..ok so i was but it was more than that..im trying hard not to cut so to know if i can do it or not and in the process ive gone back to b/p when it does the same thing just in a different way..before i would have given up the purging without a second thought and now i dont know..i still dont like it and i still dont want it but im still doing it..or maybe its just i was looking at my arm today while i was wearing a tshirt and i can see where i have cut and they are random spots on my arm and if the weather keeps being stupid and it gets to hot for long sleeves ill be in a lot of trouble if mommy sees my arms..ive been thinking hard for a new place to cut to stop the scars from showing as much as it always goes back to my wrist because if i leave them alone long enough they go away completely..my wrist is just starting to look normal again but still mostly i think about just going back to cutting there again..weird thing with having to see them..thats mostly why i dont like doing my legs..i cant see them like during the day..and its only been two weeks nothing great i guess but if im purging it doesnt count as stopping..technically speaking they all are done on purpose..no i dont have the flu and accidently had to throw up dinner..its stupid and doesnt make sense and i suck for doing any of it in the first place and now i dont know

finished my book

since im just laying here trying to get my head to stop hurting i figured i would write here to stay just a little bit busy..the puppy is laying on my legs and dusti is prolly wondering over the house because the puppy is laying on my legs and my door is open..but anyway nothing much to talk about..wasted most of yesterday doing god knows what and today i cleaned up a little bit and i cant decide if i want to tackle making lunch or not right now..maybe in a little while i guess but i finished my book last night..a million little pieces and lies or not it was a really good book, the ending was sad and someways and good in other ways but still the whole book just really made me think about life in general..like how addictions can really screw a person up..and how technically speaking they never really go away.. for some reason i always thought that if you went to treatment and stopped then you were considered 'cured' but it doesnt work like that..its just this ongoing battle between right and wrong in a way and it turns into how strong can you be to get through it..one one level it seems like such a waste to work so hard at trying to overcome something just to turn around and learn that it will just always being the background wanting for the chance to jump at you..but then its like you are constantly proving you can beat it and stay sober or whatever the addiction happens to be..maybe its better knowing and maybe its not...so what makes an addiction an addiction..is it a habit that got out of control or something thats not technically good for you that has turned into a need, something you cant live withoout and see no way of giving it up? or it could be as simple as wanting something regardless of the consequences..reading that made me so glad i never tried drugs ..ok that and the requeim for a dream movie that scared me away from drugs for my life..it was like watching people at there worse and then watching it go a step farther..its like being trapped in something you cant get out of..and if with help it doesnt go away things cant look that bright..maybe it will be a test of character and strength for the ppl who do manage to make it through..maybe they found what it takes it make it and keep making it because they know how bad it can get...or maybe in just being a spazz and thinking way to indepth about it..

early night

im going to bed soon because im bored and for some reason making plans for tomorrow..i slacked off and didnt really do any homework today but i will need to get it done while im not doing anything tomorrow..sidenote yay me i get to wear shorts for tonight anyway..kinda sad that still makes me happy..so umm didnt really make it through the day without b/p now all im hoping for is that i wont be sick tomorrow..that whole adverse affect thing kinda really sucks and ive been trying to find something to do but thanks to the sleepytime headache stuff im slowly turning loopy..and now its kinda fun listening to my head..i wonder if it will snow tonight, its cold enough for it if the rain would stop..rain is depressing so it can keep raining but then it will just turn into ice and thats not fun. i wanna go to the movies and if i could talk someone into going and seeing eight below that would make my week..not counting on it and i really hope it will still be out when i go home for break..i know riley and harris want to see it.

thinking

am i undervalued? ive been thinking about that sense yvonne mentioned it the other day..i cant decide on it

i want to do something i just dont know what it is going to be..i want a new movie im getting a new movie on wed and im trying to talk myself out of ordering out because i wont do anything but b/p..its just looking really appealing right now..maybe i need to go clean up the kitchen until i stop thinking about what i want to eat..i have every intention of cleaning the kitchen though because its starting to annoy me..i just want to hurt right now not a lot but enough to get things back on an ok level.

i finally got to upgrade my phone yesterday because my phone now is just way to small and half broken thanks to dusti..im surprised i managed to keep it working for as long as i have..but by friday by new phone should be here..i cleaned my room this morning and that kept me a little busy for a while and then i just took a really long break with dusti because it is funny watching her attack her new toy..mostly she just napped next to me while i was reading..rent comes out tues and i cant get it until wed..ill have to remember something to talk about on wed but its not like my weeks are that exciting..my life would bore everyone..maybe ill color or look up new books online..ive been trying to remember to work on the identifying emotions part of the mindfulness stuff and its kinda hard and im still not good at catching most of them..like right now i feel sad but 5 mins ago i felt alone and 30mins before that i was nervous and before that bored and before that i dont remember but i go through what ever emotions i do have really fast..most are gone before i have the chance to even think about why its there..oh well. im dog sitting for the night since yvonne went home with allen i dont mind..not like i had plans on doing anything any way

awake

after 12 hours of sleep i really should be really rested and i am kinda..more than i have been all week and im feeling better today at least..im just hanging out in bed because yvonne has company and im staying out of the way. not sure what im going to do today. i have to type up some stuff for class and clean my room since i have stuff all over the floor again..

im a dork

i forgot to get more medicine at the store when we went last night and now im feeling horrible..some of it prolly from eating at like 1 in the morning..random night when i was planning on going to bed early and then didnt because we walked to the store and i looked at all the new stuff in the grocery store...i think im the only person who actually likes going to the grocery store, there are a million things to look at there and its entertaining..after a wasted a millionn hours doing nothing in there we left and came home and i watched a movie and yvonne colored because i got her a new coloring book..and we took a million online quizzes to figure out which disney heroine we were most like..i got cinderella and alice and they arent even in my list of favorites..cinderella i can understand but good grief alice in wonderland ive watched maybe twice and i dont like that movie much..still it was kinda fun even if i did have to share my bed..and then i wasnt sleepy so i read some more of a million little pieces and that book just makes me think about just about everything..i cant relate to what he has done, lies or not but i can relate to how he thinks..considering ive ne ver been in rehab but i can guess getting to the point where ppl are telling you to stop what your doing or you will die just isnt a good thing..maybe everything really is about control..because my first thought was i would be mad as heck if i had someone telling me i couldnt do something because it would just make me want to do it more when i have someone else taking control of it..and im really stupid for completely forgetting i do have the occasional person doing that in a not so good way...most of the time its just ppl imply and really want to believe ive stopped and that makes me feel incredibly guilty because i cant really say well no i havent and just let them think what they want..so i thought about it and its not some ppl i guess mommy says stop flat out but my teachers and doc say find something that doesnt hurt..now its like ok just how hard am i actually trying to stop? i dont know it comes and goes..whenever i care enough about the consequences..last night i cared though and it sucked because nia wants me to work at this camp with her over the summer and ive slowly been working on the application but it says i might have to get a medical exam..and im healthy enough i guess but its been a long time since i have done like a physical and i dont really plan on going to get on soon and i would really hate if i cant get the job becasue of a stupid test..i told mommy last night i would worry about it once i found out for sure if i needed one or not..but i know ill worry because its my fault in the first place..its not like i can give the blame to someone else because i have a bunch of scars in various places that cant be explained..mommy says blame dusti if anyone asks about my chest and she did it once and they told me i needed to get rid of her..that made me mad because she answered before i could say anything and then i was dumb enough to agree by not correcting it..what would i have said anyway..and after that it was just she told me constantly to pull my shirt up and that i needed to becareful with what i wear..now everything is are you sure your chest is covered, will this or that be long enough and its all because i care.well no its not.you care yes but not about the scars becasue you dont have them yoou care because im a reflection of you and somehow i managed to screw it up enough that you can be called a bad parent if anyone knew so i guess everyone wins if no one knows.. i cant say its ever been about me..only when it counts and only when you have an audience and ugh..all the same its hard having my control constantly picked away its not like i have that much anyway and i would like to keep what i do have but thats not working out so hot..the odd thing being before when im asked i would swear up and down its never about control..now its ok maybe it is about control because everyone eventually gets around to saying stop and that just doesnt work..thats like handing them all the control and im left listening to what everyone wants me to do and thinks is best for me..sometimes i would prefer that happened but not with the s/i they could have anything else and everyone who knows just saw fit to pick that..and then they have all picked the wrong thing...yes i have some amt of control over the s/i because well i do it but its really not that simple..i dont consider myself to control that though because when i try to stop like serious try to stop and i make evvery effort possibly and try every thing i can think of to stay busy and get my mind off things my head will start turning it into the only thing that will make anything better..its like do it or die kinda and its like just sitting on the floor watching someone else do something ten times worse than anything ive ever done and still i want it but i cant and then i have to go back and forth between wanting it and knowing what will happen if i do it..its always the same thing and it doesnt change but i miss out on that thought in the process..it always calms for a little while and then its like this whole statisfaction thing because i have done it and im not stressed or mad or sad or something but then i start feeling horrible ive gone and done it again because im a dork or a wimp or something for not being able to stick it out and not listen to what i somehow manage to tell myself..good or bad i want it all the same like now i really want it and have since yesterday but here i am writing and seriously just making it worse because im thinking about it more than i need too..write and forget or write and remember or not write at all and slowly drive myself up the wall thinking about just how bad i can let it get before i manage to stop it..the not so good thing being if it gets far enough along the only way to even begin to stop it is to cut hmm lately ive been wanting to burn but that one is just more of a pain thing and i work at not doing it because i really dont know how to take care of burns...umm back to the control thing..if i dont control it then it cant be taken away but if its my head then regardless of how im getting the message across to my self its still my message right? i dont know somehow ive made it become not mine and its someone else but umm yea that just so makes me sound majorly crazy..on the other hand i completely control the b/p..that i can turn off and on whenever i want too...since im the on who can stop it when it goes to far and only do it enough to make whatever point im trying to make..that one not many ppl know about and its harder for anyone to try to get that away from me..but if i would give up the b/p before i do the cutting then it cant be about control i dont think..that would mean i want someone to take the control for b/p away from me but let me keep the cutting that i dont really consider myself controlling..and now ive confused myself completely..or maybe because more ppl do know about the cutting and from the start i couldnt keep the control for it so i turned it into something where i can say the control isnt mine and then to everyone else i can say ok ill stop because well just because..but less ppl know about the b/p and that one is almost exclusively mine so i can do what i want with it..its not like im asked everyday if i go and you know throw up dinner..but i am asked everyday indirectly if im still 'ok' as in am i cutting..like i would be dumb enough to say no! ill take the guilt and shame and feeling like a waste of time for that stupid lie..but if i feel guilty for still doing it when im asked and actually say yes then im not getting anywhere am i?..maybe not..ugh this is really starting to make me drift off..like ive gotten to the point of where im not thinking of anything anymore and so im gone without really being gone..like when i completely zoned out in class and i have no idea where i was but it wasnt there..that is a very weird feeling and its only been really bad once..i dont know how i did it but i hope i dont do it again..and its so hard to explain that feeling because well now im thinking about it..it was more than my usual zoning out because i was there but i wasnt..just really weird and i dont even remember what triggered it now..just i dont know..i think im just gonna go back to bed for a while

sick

i hate being sick..ive been waking up not feeling good and it always goes away after a while but today i leave like staying in bed just so i dont have to move...im glad i dont have my 9:30 class today im not sure i would have made it..still i need to get up and figure out what im doing because i need to go to campus anyway to write my paper and to see if i can get the application thing to work and if not print the thing out..nia wants me to work with her at the talisman camp this summer...and its not that i would mind doing it its just i was looking at the application and its long as heck but it says i might have to do pass a doc exam im guessing its like a physical or something but i still dont really want to have to do it..other than that i dont have a problem doing the application..im not really expecting to get the job but ill fill it out because nia asked me to and if i do go it will be fun..nia had fun last summer when she went and the pay is good..but still me and bugs umm no..i talked it over a little with her yesterday and she was telling me there are other areas i could work in that wouldnt make me completely out camping in the middle of no where..as much as i have always wanted to go camping i would you know prefer not to have to do it in the summer with like bugs and dirt..lol so ill just have to see what happens..not that i had plans for the summer anyway...dusti has been calmer than usual i guess..i think her ultimate goal is to knead a hole in my blanket..shes already put a million holes in one of my shirts but its an old one..i liked it but now i have to like it with little holes in sets of 4 going across it..as much as i move around at night half awake and half sleep and end up pushing dusti accidently she sticks it out most nights..which ever way im sleeping she always goes for the spot behind my knees..the dog does that too..or random mornings if im awake and dusti has gotten my attention enough to be sitting right in the middle of my chest or on my side refusing to move until i pet her..but its ok its nice when its not 5 in the morning..when i woke up this morning with her in my bed i was thinking about how long it took me to get her to even let me touch her..that was a highly paitent thing and noow she actually comes when i call her and lets me pet her or sleeps in my bed or sweatshirt since clothes are her other favorite thing to sleep on..oh well im off to waste my day

morning

i cant sleep as tired as i am or was like an hour ago..now i just have the urge to write and keep writing..lately for some reason yvonne has been giving me a lot of stuff..random things that are really nice and thoughtful and for a little while makes me feel noticed and important and then i wake up and the rest of the world is still there waiting..and i have her and a few other ppl forever telling me im a great person, im nice and helpful and polite and smart and im hearing all of this positive stuff..and its not that i dont appreiciate it because i do and its nice to hear it but i just dont trust it..not them its what there telling me..i say im a bad person and when other ppl just out right disagree with me it bothers me because i have no idea what they are seeing that is so different from what im seeing..and now i dont know what or who to trust...suddenly i have to know someone is just lying to me and making me believe something that isnt true and there really is only one person who outright tells me im a horrible person not counting myself..but what does she get out of lying to me and making me believe that? she should be the one person telling me all the goodstuff i hear from other ppl and because of her i cant believe any of them because mommy is mommy and she wouldnt lie to me..but saying that means im calling everyone else a liar and thats not true..yvonne wouldnt lie to me or janet or my teachers or my doc even..theres no point in them lying to me because there isnt anything for them to get out of it..its just somehow ive mixed it all up and its either everyone is lying or im missing the big picture...i dont know..i really would give anything to believe what yvonne tells me, im around her the most and im myself most around her..but there is still something there that completely stops me and i tell her thanks and shes nice and i mean it but on a its rude not to say thank you scale..none of the stuff she does for me she has to do, she doesnt have to color or watch cartoons with me or help me put together stuff or go wondering around greenville with me or walk to the store when she doesnt need anything..i could take a huge leap and actually consider you know maybe she really likes me..and even i question that because i havent done anything to make her like me..its like i expect that it is written down somewehre this long list of requirements of what it takes to be and make a friend..i dont really see how anyone likes me..for me just being me isnt good enough..being someone else takes to much work and hiding from everything gets me hurt..what am i supposed to do? starting to believe that you know maybe im ok will be accepting that mommy is lying to me and that is really hard for me to accept..even if i hate everything she says to me and knowing she calls me mean and evil and selfish when i try hard not to be just hurts what few feelings i have left..what little self esteem i manage to scrape together goes away when i go home or talk to mommy and she decides it is in her best interest to tell me i suck..i dont see what she gets out of it either..its not like i go crying to her when she yells at me..i dont go cry to anyone about it..it just leads to s/i in what ever form helps that moment.. what will it take to figure out what everyone is trying to get me to see? how is it that one person has so much control over me and i dont know how she got it either...
as much as i like to think i know what i want i really dont have the slightest idea..i would feel better if someone could just erase my head and let me start over from scratch..its hard going back and having to in a way redo all of my thinking..if im not doing something to hurt myself then i think im leaving it open for someone else to do it for me and that scares me

ugh

my night class didnt get cancelled and i was so ready to go to sleep that keeping my eyes open and half focused made my eyes water..i was thinking i needed to go to bed but im still up for now anyway..yvonne is planning my fake wedding and oddly enough mommy isnt invited..that wont last but for now its like no..but skipping that we watched this movie in class tonight called common threads and good grief it was a good movie but it was so depressing..i might have no need for this particular holiday but i dont want to be thinking about people dying either..it was a movie on hiv/aids in like the 80s when it first started getting noticed and it told 4 stories..all of whom got it different ways 3 men and 1 boy died but we got there stories and how life was back then, and how society viewed and what happened etc and it was hard sitting there listening and knowing there still isnt a cure for it..and the govt is stupid and could have possibly stopped this a long time ago but no that didnt happen and now now im just way out in left field wondering what the heck im thinking about...i just listened to over an hours worth of ppl talk about how there loved ones knew they were dying or preparing to die because there wasnt any hope for them and i just couldnt leave it at that..i completely started thinking about other stuff and its like ok im not dying as in major health program dying..i could be dying from doing stupid things but that will take a long time to unless i stopped being careful..but anyway now i have all this stuff about how i should just go away and save myself the trouble because im really not an important person at all and im slowly managing to depress myself again..iw as thhinking about cutting this afternoon because i was feeling crummy.and now i just want to sleep and not have to think about anything anymore but ill wake up tomorrow still thinking about the same stuff..

got this from jenny

"I feel like a ship beneath the waves a child who has lost his way, a door without the key, a face without a name, I feel like a breath without the air, and every day is the same..."


i forgot i had this saved somewhere..found it over the weekend and moved it so i would remember where in the world i stuck it at..

nothing interesting to talk about..today is vday and im in class..not that i was planning on doing anything but night class still sucks today...and now im off to go help with the fundraiser thing since im late..

nothing

im just here letting the dog sleep on me yet again but it doesnt really count as sleeping on me if shes like the size of a shoe still...today was kinda up and down all day...i was ok and then i wasnt and then i was again and so on..right now im not great and im really tired but there is a lot of things i should do before i go to bed...im watching wife swap and the show just doesnt make sense i dont see why someone would agree to switching and taking care of someone elses family all in the name of you know learning a life lesson..it was horrible and i guess it worked out for the familys but it was annoying to watch...but anyway i took my online quiz today and did ok on it, i went to campus this morning with yvonne and i think that is some of why im feeling so tired right now..waking up that early is killer...tomorrow i have to wake up early to but wed im so sleeping in as much as i can...the kitchen has been destroyed again but ill clean up soon...i was working on some of the mindfulness stuff today and well i figured out the first problem with it...ok its all about emotions and i dont know then..i was trying to figure out what i was feeling and i couldnt figure out what it was..the harder i tried to figure it out the more i was wondering if it was possible not to feel anything..i wasnt happy but i wasnt sad either..just somewhere inbetween but i didnt have a word for it...so i gave in and looked up a whole list of emotions and there are a lot of them..like hundreds umm ok so not that many but a good amount and i looked at it and there are a lot im not even sure i have even felt before..but i cant really be sure if i dont know what it is...maybe it will help and maybe it wont i dont know yet..reading all the information though had its good points and it makes sense on some far off emotional level i havent found yet..i really think i prefer ignoring all of them or just ignoring them enough to give myself a break but ignoring them doesnt help me any...i cant be expected to explain emotions to someone else when i dont even know them..how can i not know them? there should be a class that seriously makes you feel each and every emotion there is just so you know what they are...the other interesting thing is that if you search emotions in google and then put it on images you get all these books that come up..some ive seen before and some i havent but they all sound really good if i ever needed something else to read..i need to finish the books i have now before i go and get more to read...ill start getting them all mixed up if i keep starting books without finishing them...i decided to make copies of the daily journal thing just to see how far i can get before i finish driving myself in sane trying to figure out emotions..i practiced a little bit today and i just happened to be on the bus both times i did it but im so easily distracted..every other thing going on managed to get my attention and going back and forth to concentrate without judging got really hard..i wanted to just tell myself i was being stupid but that would have been like 50 steps in the wrong direction and stopping everytime i start judging would mean i would never get anything done..and that brings up the question of if i want to stop the whole being mean to myself..i dont think i gave a real answer when i was asked about but i was thinking hard for a reason not to have to stop in the first place and i couldnt think of one..i just kept coming back to the fact that it doesnt help and me being mad at myself does nothing at all..there isnt a benefit to it unless i go and cut or b/p..if im going be mad at myself i might as well have a good reason for it..wouldnt take a rocket scientist to tell me i dont care much for myself and now its just being pointed out to me..and yea i guess i know it but if i ignore it enough it will go away again too..to bad that doesnt work though, eventually i realize exactly what im doing i just dont know why..im starting to not like why questions at all..everything has to be why and i dont know..at least with this part of it i dont know...what ever benefit it started out as ive lost it now and now it just hurts..its like its so a part of me i dont know how to stop it..what would i have to talk to myself about if i was actually nice to myself..i think the world might stop moving or something..maybe it doesnt even have to be nice ill even take you know just not wishing i would go fall off a cliff or something..funny how in all of this stopping the cutting hasnt come up..i cant like myself if i still cut and b/p i cant stop without beginning to realize that they hurt more than they help..and that would mean somewhere in there i would have to stop making excuses for it to make it ok..and that would mean understanding more than just want all the wonderful psych books say about it..stopping and thinking..right now im sick of thinking and the world would be a better place if i never had another single measly thought in my head..but since that wont happen and im just stuck in my head completely hating the fact that its to late to take anything to just let me sleep until tomorrow..that and since i always take to much i cant afford to over slep tomorrow or walk around half drugged..not good nope..so that only leaves just staying awake until i h ave to sleep..i dont think i wont to sleep though im having weird dreams..i was yelling at yvonne and alexis in one of them, seriously yelling and i was so mad at them i cant remember why though and i dont remember what started it or why or anything i just know i was really really mad..or the one where i went to the doc and then told me i couldnt go in, but it was so weird because everything was so neat and organized, not like they usually are...sometimes i hate my head..umm yea bad moment..

so my good note for the week..im taking my vitamins again..im a tad bit worried about my iron..im hoping i havent let it get to low but i dont know so im taking them again..and maybe one of these days i should take myself back to the doctor but that just scares me and ill keep putting it off..i want ice and there isnt any in the house so im out of luck for right now..ugh everything is bothering me right now and i want to just complain or something but i cant do that either..i hope sleep works then as a last resort for the night its all i have

good feeling gone

i suck

random

strawberry cupcakes with sprinkles are great !

just because

i knew there was a good reason for not taking naps during the day..i cant sleep at night and now im awake and i really want to sleep..besides when i woke up this afternoon i wasnt feeling good and ended up taking meds but i dont know if it helped or not...i cant be sure if its my sinus's or not becuase right now i only have a headache and runny nose and that could be from b/p too..so im hoping im just catching a cold...yvonne got disney trival pursit and ive never played the game but since its disney it was more for my benefit..and of course i lose the first game but its ok itw as fun and i wasnt doing horribly when i lost unlike when we play sceneit and im so far behind its just not even a fair game lol and thats with yvonne giving me a major headstart in the first place.. but we went to alexis's house for dinner and i was just going to play the game since i wasnt feeling good and didnt want to eat..and im not a fan of pasta anyway so i ended up having a salad and a little bit of the fake chicken yvonne made which was really good...i should feel worse because im not eating great again but im not..so reasons for writing because there are always reasons eventually..i was watching the green mile tonight and it seriously is a sad movie but a good one and that makes it worse because i dont watch it without crying and ive watched enough to know what happens so why put myself through it? because its good..so i watched it and eventually got around to the same thing i always think about but now im sad enough to be considering cutting and im not sure i want too..i havent cut since i dont know but its been a little while maybe a couple weeks.i dont know how i can forget but its kinda easy if im not looking at new scars...maybe im stuck in limbo or something i want to but im writing here ..might not work or it might and im just hoping ill go to sleep once im done..i was reading the info i got on mindfulness and it makes since but now im trying to figure out which emotions i can even identify, i know it has to be more than the basic ones and if i know its the basic happy, sad, or mad then what is it? i dont know..i think i make emotions out of things that arent ment to be them..like i know crying isnt one but it should be just to make things as nonconfusing as possible..crying is a reaction like cutting but crying isnt something that would technically hurt me...and now im way off what i was trying to write about..so back to the movie umm yea an innocent guy dies for well soemthing he didnt do and its like there wasnt any help for him and the guards couldnt stop it..and i know it happens but that doesnt make it better and that does make me sad..and that went to ppl shouldnt just be hurt for something they didnt do because it isnt fair..that went to kids shouldnt be hurt for anyreason..everything that happens to a person in there life will affect them if they want it to or not..thats not fair either when its something that they may have had no control over anyway..at the time it wasnt noticed but if they look back its like why in the world am i taking the blame for it when its not mine to take..still thinking about how it should have turned out doesnt change anything, make things seem way more sucky way but not change them...its like thinking i have willing and without question completely taken blame for everything but i dont know why i did it..ive taken enough psych class though to figure it out if i thought about it long enough..so why..why even bother thinking about it now..just because i have to think about it so ill know...the blame thing works best when it goes from adult to kid..the whole authority thing and im right your wrong and what i say goes and if not then your just being mean and ungrateful..maybe its so the parent wont feel guilty for whatever they have done or made they are seriosuly thinking it is the kids fault and they deserve it and then they just make it a point to make sure the kid has no way what so ever to get out of taking the blame and not forgetting it...i guess if it happened enough then it juts turns into no big deal and it doesnt get questioned anymore...but what would happen if one day someone did start to wonder why things are the way they are..i know the past doesnt go away sure it would be a bit better if i could remember more of it but since i cant oh well for me but for whatever reason its all decided i need to deal with it now...and deal with it im not doing so well but i notice it more i guess, a lot of it has to be pointed out for me but ill get it eventually..besides i would rather not get back to being completely afraid to go to sleep that was really creepy and weird and at the time i had no idea what any of it meant..now i know what one did mean and its like darnit why did i want to know in the first place..easy enough answer though because if i dont know then ill wonder about it and wonder why i had it in the first place...i talked about my compeltely stupid dream and if the one i consider stupid can make that much sense i dont want to even consider what the other one means...sure ive tried analyzing it from a couple different ways..and if i make everyone in the creepy dream me then it all comes down to im seriously hurting myself and one a much deeper level than systematically having scars on my arms..but if i look at it from like everything represents something else then im not as sure but it still comes down to the fact that im the one getting hurt and there isnt any help...and that would be the part that bothers me the most...more than the whole bad thing that happened it was that i was trying hard to stop it but the more i tired the more alone the whole thing got..scary, and thinking about it now doesnt make me feel better if its making me feel worse..actually im just scaring myself again..and so ill jump topics again..back to the trust and acceptance thing...not that ill get far with those tonight to busy thinking about how much light it takes to scare off monsters but anyway..i have somehow but trust and acceptance together and i didnt mean to.kinda like the shame and guilt thing just not to the point of being unable to tell them apart..i know the difference between trust and accpetance..i was thinking about trust this morning though and why i trust the people i do trust and i swear its an age thing..until i started thinking about i wouldnt have noticed that almost all of the people i trust are older than me like arent older than me and none are guys...maybe that is a safety thing but hmm i dont know..im done paying attention for the night..completely thinking random stuff about dusti

found

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.


the weather is depressing today, rainy and cold and it makes me want to go back to sleep..im trying to think of something to watch but there isnt anything on..and i dont want to finsh the cleaning i started either..ill get it done by monday at least but for now everything pulled out on the floor can just stay there..i did upload pictures earlier and watched some of a musical with yvonne inbetween throwing something together for breakfast...and then i just spent most of the morning playing games and changing pictures around..now im bored and i have nothing to do..maybe ill take a nap

freezing

if i get cold enough i wonder if ill freeze to death..prolly not but since im trying to go to sleep and cant ill write until im tired again...i dont know if ill go to the midnight movie or not..dirty dancing isnt a favorite movie of mine although i do like the end...maybe ill go just to go..ming is sleeping under my covers and warming up my side and dusti is sleeping near my legs completely stretched out on my towel i forgot to hang up..i kept moving around last night and i have no idea why dusti even keeps sleeping in my bed..good grief i drive myself up the wall moving around so much...today has been ok..still lots to think about though..one of this days i will so figure everything out but when i do that i wonder if ill still be me... so topic of today? hmm trust maybe or maybe i should leave it at acceptance but im thinking for some reason i have to get through trust first..im a step away from just making a list because i know i dont trust that many ppl completely but why do i trust the ones i do? everything turns into a why question but if im asking why then eventually ill get to the reasons behind it... i cant feel my fingers again i cant generate enough body heat to keep mysself warm..as long as i dont start shaking im ok but im getting there..i really should think about what i have to do over the weekend like homework and random cleaning...and i need to clean out my bag..good grief i cant find anything in there anymore...and now ive bored myself enough to go play a game

smile

i think i like words that begin with s's lol...just wanted to write this before i went to sleep, not that i would e ver forget tonight but just for like to have...so earlier i found out yvonne had a surprise for me and that was fun but it was one of those i have to wait until i get home to get it surprises..so i do and i come home and im not allowed in the living room and that made me think of the time i wasnt allowed in thd kitchen..anyone else see a pattern here :P all good surprises start when you arent allowed somewhere..so that lead to being trapped for hours in the kitchen when i decided food was popcorn..ok so maybe not hours more like 10 mins with dusti and ming..it was entertaining i thought they were going to jump me for my popcorn. but then i got my surprise and suddenly i was a princess and i have a tiara and earrings and scepter to prove it..and yvonne wrote me this incredibly nice not a note but note a letter either some somewhere in between the two but still it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said/given to me..this one rates first on everything ive ever gotten from yvonne and i seem to be getting a lot lately :) i love my jackjack attack bookand that one would be my close second fav thing...but tonight was great, tonight made my year, tonight was one of those once in a lifetime happenings that dont get repeated no matter how hard you try..i wish all night could be this fun but if that happened life wouldnt be life and nights like tonight wouldnt be as special..i decided i will frame what yvonne wrote me..just because when i read it i thought you know maybe im not sure a bad person and then maybe one of these days ill get around to believeing what almost everyone tells me..its a start at leeast

another long day in the works

i finally turned my paper in yesterday...ive learned i would rather my paper suck horrible and then it in on time than to let it suck and turn it in late...i would really like to juts stay in bed today but ive been saying that a lot lately..so off to class ill go somehow..i half watched the grammys yesterday night and they were ok but still shows like that arent really my thing, i prefer cartoons...i started a livejournal yesterday too. main reason being yvonne asked me to because she said she didnt know what i did with my days even though i live with her..i kinda left out i have this because most of it i dont want her to know so now i have a lj and its ok and everything and its not like i dont write enough to have both of them..just one will be more general stuff and this one for me usual way to depressing stuff and it all works out..tomorrow is doc day and already im wondering what ill talk about..i really should write it down because i forget half of it by the time i get there...oh i made dinner last night and it turned out good, i woke up this morning wanting to bake so ill find something to make this weekend..hmm im not much for talking today ..

hmmm

so guess i should write...to bad then because right now i just want to go to sleep and never have to get back out of bed again...im really starting to think my iron has gotten lower..i think ill take my vitamins again..dont know..just not feeling good right, havent really been feeling good much lately so i dont know..its weird

odd

mommy came today for a visit and this morning i was freaking out about it but its over and done with now. it was her and nia and we went out to lunch and shopping and yvonne came along too. i have never said i dont get along with mommy to yvonne she has been around for some of the phone arguments and she knows a few of the 'lies' i tell the mom to keep myself out of trouble and even those mostly pertain to religous stuff or what im doing with my money...now yvonne does know im quiet, deathly so and she tries hard to get me to talk, she also tries to get me to not be so shy but anyhoo..we were only out for like 5 hours or so and while we were in one of the stores and yvonne was just i nthe dressing room with me she said that she knew why i was so quiet...and i asked her what she was talking about and she said that she listened and watched and that iit was for everything i said someone else was telling me i was wrong or to be quiet or talking over me. she said that if that happened to her she would stop talking too. i told her that that was pretty insightful for only being with us for like 2 hours. but afteer she said it i guess i just noticed it more..like yes im quiet but what are my reasons for being so quiet..and she was right in a completely surprising way...i am really afraid of being wrong or getting in trouble and so i dont say much if i can help it..and its just having it pointed out from the one person i would even consider myself close to and i had nothing to do with bringing the subject up...it made me think of when my teachers asked why i was so quiet and i said it was because i was afraid i would be wrong if i said anything but i couldnt explain where the wrong feeling was coming from...maybe now i know or maybe ive always known and just not wanted to have to bring it up...but we get home and yvonne is like praising me for my wonderful coping skills and it took all of my will power not to turn around and tell her exactly what it takes to put up with all of it...not to turn around and explain why it is i cant wear anything sleeveless and why it is i flat out refuse to even consider dating...but i didnt i just told her it was no big deal and you get used to it...but it is a big deal isnt it? we had alreeady determined yvonne wouldnt last a day with mommy and yet ive lasted oh a good 22 some years give or take and maybe i dont realize the good in it..if there is any..dont know

i wish

i wish i was somewhere else, i wish i was someone else..i wish i could fly away and not be here,i wish i was perfect, i want to disappear..funny i dont wish that but i guess i want it to much to lleave it at that..i tried my hardest not to wake up, but now i am and now i really do have to face the day or the part of it that contains mommy coming and being here...its like already survival mode kicked in and if i could stop breathing i would just to be sure i didnt get myself in trouble..yvonne will be there and nia to and im not sure if henry is coming but still if she wants to yell at me she will..i figured out a long time ago that having company persay doesnt save me...now im just laying here delaying getting out of bed because i dont want to, trying to figure out what i have to get finished and cleaned before mommy shows up and i have to find out what time shes coming period..suddenly i really am a bad person and it makes me want to cry..well not the bad person bit because i can say that part is actually true its that knowing mommy is coming part and knowing im not good enough that makes me want to cry..i just suck right now

today

"You can't be normal and alive at the same time." -- Lobão

i lost all the quotes i had a while ago and that really made me sad because i spent forever putting them together...but now since i have to look again im finding a lot of mew and interesting ones. today was fun when i wasnt being completely introspective..yvonne helped me put the elliptical together today and i can safely say it is now in one piece and so are we cas at one point yvpnne was ready to curse up a storm entirely my fault for causing it and then when one of the pedals fell off hmm again my fault but she fixed it and i promised to never again try to put anything together without professional help! but still it was fun if not long and incredibly time consuming..then we went to get me dinner and boxes and other random stuff at various places down the street and ended up going out again with alexis to dinner which was a waste for me because i had just eaten and then i ddidnt like what i ordered and sent it back and pretty much just paid for a drink...but it was a really good drink lol..and we went to the store and i got a little baby piglet nightlight and a baby eeyore pillowcase...and they are so so cute..and thinking of that i need to look for the care bear yvonne hid from me..go figure its somewhere in my room and i cant find it! even so now my room is clean again and ill still have to wake up early tomorrow to get stuff cleaned for mommy coming..ugh i have been trying to not stress about it but now that its like only a few hours away every single thing i can think of that is wrong with me is just glaring at me in neon colors...i just keep thinking she will tell me there is something else i need to change or something i need to do better ..if nothing else i have a reason to practice calming my head before it gets out of hand...hmm oh yea at the resturant we talked about yvonne and my futuristic bf and so she has decided that she has to work on my self esteem...my fault really for telling her i didnt consider myself smart or anything..and im really hoping she will forget very very vcery soon...im blaming myself for a lot of stuff today..as in outright write it down blame and not juts yelling in my head like i normally do...oh well time for bed

another day

i cant decide if i should be mad at myself over my test grade or not..i got an 84 and that was without studying at all but i made a couple really stupid mistakes and thats because i didnt check my anwsers as well as i should have..ill do better next time...right now im doing really bad iwth all of my school work, i need to stop spending my days doing everything but work because now im not turning junk in and thats not good...so this weekend i really will finish my paper that is now late and read for bio so i dont screw up on my quiz once again stupid mistakes...and just overall do a bit better than this week...its just well i got caught up stressing about my interview that i couldnt deal with doing anything else and i go back and forth between being depressed and not being depressed and spending way to much time in bed not wanting to get up...i have a headache right now and just an overall crummy feeling since thanks to my boots my feet hurt so much..i dont think ill ever get used to wearing those now that i have them..there fun every once in a while but good grief my feet hate me! i got my new books today though and now ill have to be really careful about not wasting all of my time reading them but they are so good and i just want to waste the weekend reading...i went out with yvonne today again and i got a cinderella clock from her and a valentines care bear that is so cute but she told me i have to wait until after the 14 to get them from her! boo but still cool..she has gotten me a lot of little things the past couple days and it just makes me wonder how i ever manage to feel alone when i have a really wonderful roommate who does things for me without me asking...but today i find out that yvonne wants to help me find a boyfriend and i say help but it was more of her goal is to find me a boyfriend..and i told her she was living on another planet if she thinks that will happen..and she told me i was smart, attractive and funny and that we would have to find a guy would makes me feel like a princess since i tell her every other day im a princess without any real reason behind it...but still so now she has the idea that she is going to find me someone and we had the convo of you know accpeting yourself s you are and for half a sec i just wanted to stop and tell her exactly why i will never have a bf..and the moment passed and now im just like look if you want but it wont work..now that she has a bf, i do get on her about letting me plan her wedding and name her kids and it is a lot of fun for me..more so for me than her but now she says its only fair that if i get to plan her wedding she will get to plan mine and that time i did stop in the middle of the sidewalk and look at her like she had a third eye or something...good grief i told her i wasnt getting married and that i was going to be a nun and still she wants to plan my wedding..essh weird..but over all it has been a really really ok day...im just not feeling good and being cranky and really wanting to go back to bed right now since i dont have my test to worry about anymore..oh yea..surprise of the week, mommy is coming on sunday..i just keep thinking of how much of a screw up i am right now and i dont want to have to be told for a day but ill figure out someway to manage..i hope that doesnt involove at least me playing with a razor

sucky week

yesterday bothered me a lot ...one i woke up feeling really sick and skipped my first class...i didnt have my paper to turn in anyway and i didnt want to go so oh well but then i felt guilty for being home and not sdoing anything so i cleaned thehouse completely in like less than 2 hours...i went to my afternoon classes and failed both of my quizzes..and i suck and im a horrible person i know but that wasnt what bothered me..what bothered me was the talk we got as a class from one of the teachers and when she started talking i had no idea what brought on the convo but she was just like ok i got an email that said we werent able to keep up with the notes and its not her responsibilty to you know help us if we arent doing the readings and things and how we have to be responsible for our actions and if we dont read and dont understand then its our fault not hers..ok fine that all makes sense knowing i dont do the readings anyway hence i failed the quiz but after we left shameka went and talked to her and they pretty much just argued back and forth because shameka saw me in the lab and told me that she was the one who emailed but the class was complaining as a whole about how fast the teacher goes and not being able to keep up..but that wasnt new info because we talked about it last year with the teacher when we had her for research so she knows..but shameka is telling me that the teacher just pretty much called us all stupid and that she knew we werent going to learn anything..and i know since i wasnt there that i dont know exactly what happened but ugh its just stupid..first i have the teacher who sounds like she is ready to cry any second for something but then turns around and yells at a student?! not cool at all..no this particular teacher has never been my favortie at all for some reason im just not completely comfortable with her..hard to figure it all out...so anyway yesterday was just sucky i dont feel good today either but i cut yesterday and had fun wrapping my arm up..like that makes sense..sometimes i do like taking care of the cuts more than i like doing them..dont know why though

happy times

so today i had my interview and right up until i had to go there i was really really scared and working hard at not giving in to cutting but i made it somehow..the part i dont get is i wanted to cut when i was feelign completely ok i dont know...anyway yvonne came and waited with me for my interview and danced in the hallway until i was smiling..and the interview wasnt bad at all..like halfway through i started getting really scared and my mind started drifting off but i worked on concentrating and made it without drifting to bad...and she said i looked nice..and everyone wished me good luck and jenny wrote me and janet and kenny told me good luck...mommy forgot thhough..she didnt call at all and i waited and waited and waited and nothing..oh well i dont care....so after that i was fine, i wasnt worried about anything anymore and my mood improved a heck of a lot in like 30 mins...and then for no reason at all once i got home i started getting sad again. and i wanted to just sleep or cut or something and it was weird so i just played games online and watched tv until i was bored enough to consider doing homework and then yvonne came home...and i asked her to go walk with me to get quiznos and she did and it was to late for quiznos so we decided to go get chinese and we did that and then i wanted to go to the grocery store but yvonne wanted to go look at the cards in cvs first...and we went and played in cvs and i put deodorant up her nose and yvonne got coloring books because i was coloring in her room the other night and she didnt care much for my care bear coloring book at all lol..so then we went and finished dinner and then we ate dinner and went and played in the grocery store..and i got a disney princess coloring book and yvonne bought me a jackjack attack book! i made her write in it but i love my little book now and it made me really happy and now we are coloring and watching the lion king for my sake :)