resistance.

after going to campus today and seeing my teacher for a little while i really do have to question why it is i dont want to pack..when i told her i didnt she asked if i was being resistant because i didnt want to move/leave...and i didnt really think of it as being resistant because its not the move that bothers me so much right now..right now its that if i finish packing then i have to go home and i dont want too..i was walking through the incredibly empty campus and wondering what it would feel like to stand on the roof of the buildings because they are so high..i couldnt decide if i was afraid of heights or not..i thought about creative ways to die..and surprisingly enough i wasnt able to come up with anything i hadnt already thought of..and it is starting to bother me that im becoming so preoccupied with dying again..i really thought i would be ok and well i didnt add in things not going well at home..my fault for forgetting anyway..but its just not good at all..and i know i cant leave until i finish packing anyway because if i do and then mommy comes up here on sunday and sees i havent done what i said i was goingg to do then ill never hear the end of it..just another argument that i dont want to deal with..so i have to finish ..but i dont want to pack..i want to just sit here and cry or something..i didnt want her to let me go..i knew she would ask for a hug and i didnt say no this time..it was ok because i had already hugged her before anyway..now im just trying to figure out what to start with before being sad just eats me alive...once again i was told that im better at identifying emotions and it sucks..i dont want to be better at it..guess it doesnt matter if i keep ignoring them anyway...i cant figure out what it is i want..i dont know what it is im looking for exactly..more and more i see how different i am..nia is a love person and she is always in and out of relationships..henry knows everyone and has a million friends..but how exactly am i defined? how am i remembered or noticed? how do i want to be remembered? how will i b e remembered ? and i know that because i had to answer a similar question before and it took me months to figure it out..and even then i wasnt sure..it pretty much all comes down to being happy..and it really really hurts that im not..i can pretend all i want too but it doesnt change that when im alone its back to being completely alone and lonely and sad...not always suicidal but sometimes..am i suicidal now? i dont know..not really..nothing that i can do anythingabout..will i last through tomorrow? 12 hours in the car with mommy..endless questions probably and nothing for me to do to get away..its bad enough i cut my arm this morning..i have to make sure i wear long sleeves tomorrow..i wanted to tell my teacher what ive been doing but i didnt ..i wont tell anyone becasuae ill just be in trouble and everyone will be mad at me for not trying harder..ill be a disappointment to everyone and then it wont matter ...i was thinking what would happen if they found out at talisman..would i lose my job? would they make me go to therapy? i cant remember what the physical forms had on them from over the summer..i cant remember if it was depression or bpd that ended up on them..i know it wasnt anything specific except that my therapist had said iwould be fine to go..i know cutting wasnt added..and they didnt know about the b/p ...i refuse to tell that..but my arms are fairly obvious sometimes..but no one really asked about them..i dont think i wanted them to notice..i didnt want them to ask what happened..i would have lied..i would still lie now..i do when im asked.. feel bad blaming dusti though and i try hard not too..i can tell dustis scratches from what i do and they arent bad and i prolly deserve it anyway when she does it cas ive done something stupid like stick her in the bathtub or something..but its not her and i refuse to give her away to anyone..i dont want her to stay her with mommy but for now i have no choice..so what am i going to do ? i dont know..i know i have to leave on the 1st to head up to talisman ..ill prolly spend the night in a hotel just so that i dont feel rushed...i just dont want to go home..its so stupid..of all the things to be afraid of its something as stupid as going home..i would move all the way around the world if it meant getting away..but its still counts as running..i dont care anymore..i want to run and if this is as far away as i can go then fine..but that isnt even far enough away because mommmy goes to all of henrys games that shes can..how do i know she wont just like drop by some times? true if im working then it wont matter but it will worry me..i dont want her dropping by i dont want her anywhere near me at all...i dont know maybe moving across the state isnt the right idea but when i asked arran she said it was..for now maybe it is..but i can move again later if i wanted too right? if i did want too i could move completely away from nc..if i stay with aspen i can go to oregon or ny or another state that im forgetting..im still thinking i dont want to be stuck behind a desk right now..maybe i want to go back to school..there are so many maybes for the future stuff..i dont know..do i want to go abck to school? i know i cant handle it now..it would kill me if i tried to do my masters now..but like so many other people tell me if i stop will i ever go back? will i want to go back if i can support myself now? i dont know anything..why do i have to be in the real world now? i dont feel safe at all..maybe its just because so much other stuff has been going on lately and everything is just looking really bad...im really not liking myself at all right now and maybe im just looking for a reason to cut or hurt..and that would be enough to know i have to go back to therapy before i really do try to kill myself..i dont want to go back but i know i have to if i want to stay

i refuse to cry i refuse to cry but i want to cut i want to burn i want to scream

i was thinking about other stuff but mommy called...listened to her yell at me for a while..its a waste of time trying to do anything..im in trouble when it doesnt work out and things have to change..i did everything she told me to do and im still the ungrateful one..like i didnt work my butt off while i was at home..i was sick and still didnt ask to go home..every other day she tells me that i cant go and buy anything because im supposed to be saving to do all this stuff..like she forget that its shes the one who borrowed money from me in the first place..all these things she promised to do and when its time to do anything then suddenly she cant do it..she has to work or shes tired and sick..what the hell am i supposed to do when ive waited around for her to do all this stuff? i could have gone by myself forever ago but i waited because she said she wanted to go and help..if i had a better car i would have gone before now..when i had tons of free tiem and i wasnt doing anything but i didnt..and now all of it is a mess .. and im still wrong and its like im just not doing anything at all..now i have to go back and break all the stuff ive done..ive already signed the papers to move out and now im not moving at all..id to listen to yvonne freak out about having to move because i was leaving and now im not..i tried hard not to wait till the last minute to do stuff and i tried to make sure everything was ok and now its not..why am i even still here? what am i doing? now its just like forget all of it and start over..i dont know what i have to do..i dont know what im supposed to do..and i prolly need to head back home before it gets too dark and i have to pack and not pack at the same time..i dont care at all..all i have to do is make it through tonight and tomorrow..right now just make it through the hour and then figure it out from there..not that it matters at all..all of it is useless and somehow its all become my fault