i cant believe its already 10 here...where has the day gone? everything that has happened today has just become one huge thing to forget..i want to forget..i could completely wipe today out of my head and i wouldnt really notice..it would just become another day not worth remembering because its just been one of those days everyone wished would never happen..how does it end? i dont know right now i just hurt..feels lkinda like something has broke but theres not a way to fix it..body really hurts..sore for no reason minus my ankle..back hurts, hips hurt..head hurts..i guess its less to explain if i just say everything hurts right now..back and forth all day..zoning out completely and then turning around and just having everything fall on my head at once..i swear mommy forgets what she does during the day and what she says...its like this morning didnt happen and i just imagined all of it..i made it up to give myself something to do..and yet im walking around completely afraid of being called for something i havent finished or something i havent done that i should have..i worry ill just get in trouble again..its only 10 not that it matters cas nothing really ends until mommy goes to bed and we can do what we like ..not that its interesting or important or anything..feel dead in a way..keep wishing i was dead and get annoyed when i realize im not..why cant i just die and get it over with..i could juts go away and disappear..become someone else, join the witness protection program i dont care just get me away for all of this..i want..i dont know what i want..maybe not to hurt..maybe juts to be out of it enough that nothing hurts anymore..but i cant forget what arran told me about how not being present makes me forget stuff quicker...i dont want to be present..i dont want to be here..i cant stand my life i hate who i am, what i am..id rather pretend..i could live anywhere and be anyone..stay a kid..be a kid..i am a kid..even henry knows that...make me happy buy me a toy..buy me kids stuff..i think i forgot to grow up ..i dont want control i dont want anything...right now i just want to go away..i cant get rid of the thoughts..maybe ill be able to sleep if i can calm my head down enough...everything is back to being a stupid maybe..im stupid..everything is stupid..everything sucks..send me away..let me go..just just let me go..alone but not really..i want to be left alone..i can make up a better world than this one..maybe this is what delusional feels like..but i dont feel anything at all..empty isnt a feeling its just there..thats all im coming up with..guess sleeping is the only other option i have