wanting comfort

I'm feeling on edge and a little unsafe..today was a sad  day because today is the day my sister died so long ago..sad..And no idea how to grieve..Just felt off..I ended up being with Sarah today..she had surgery yesterday and is doing pretty good but still in pain..And so I stayed with her last night and today...I forgot the date though..until I woke up and was online..And then I didn't want to be by myself..And I spent a lot of time laying down with Sarah..she is stuck in bed..And. i do like laying with her..mostly slept but we did talk about somethings to and working on plans for things...we now have a plan b and a time frame...I think I've been needing a lot of comfort and haven't been getting it..I'm not asking for it and I don't know..I just get scared asking... but I've gotten more Percocet...a fair amount...I'm not cutting..that the important thing isn't it?? I'm just overmedicating..a little..I don't know..

Impulsive

I'm afraid that my impulsiveness is heading downwards... I got upset twice today and both times my thoughts turned to cutting..serious cutting...along with crying ..feeling guilty and stupid..and canceling my trip to see my sister..which I have uncancelled now..but earlier I wasn't thinking about anything except how things still just aren't working out and that mommy got to me once again..and the pressure was to much...I need razors...my thinking is becoming circular and I need to be able to stop it..I think I stopped functioning for maybe an hour or so this afternoon because of the conversation with mommy... The reaction was immediate and the response and thoughts got bad fast...thankfully I was at Sarah's house and alone...I'm pretty sure she kept an eye on me until I started coming around...I wanted to go for her shavers...I really did...but the thoughts are becoming overwhelming.. The pressure to do more..to do better is being pushed at me and I can't deal...yes I need my blades back..?just for a little while...

It snuck up on me..my sisters anniversary

I blame myself for not being able to save you..I try to remember you and I can't. All I have is a couple pictures. It is as if you never existed and I am sorry for that. I will keep your pictures with me. I don't remember but I know you were there..and now you are not..29 years without you... I believe in heaven for you. That you are happy and loved. I miss you. I love you. I will remember you.

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=114442301

piece 2

Even though it has been a few days since T I am still very embarrassed to be writing this. I am in a long term relationship, engaged in fact, and so with t the topic of intimate stuff comes up from time to time...and each time we shut it down..become immature..giggle or swear its gross..and that all things related to the subject is gross..we have a few hangups in that area to put it nicely..and the partner is patient and has talked with me/us repeatedly about things and the struggles we have with it...how is it possibly to grow up and have no connection to your own body?? I think that is what one of the issues is...this body has been destroyed...it has done nothing good for me..and im supposed to take care of it? like it ? accept it? I don't even want it ? maybe that is where the disconnect is at...this is supposed to be my body..the only one I get ...and I feel nothing for it..no care or love or concern..maybe that is why self care is such a struggle..why I cant read my own body signals correctly...when im sick im sick..when its something serious ..I blame it on being sick..or stress.. take some over the counter meds and call it a day..this body has been cut, burned, used, broken..and what others couldn't do I tried my best to finish...so no there is no connection there.. (and piece 2 falls into place)

well I emailed t some writing ...which was about past things..she read it and came to the session more prepared than I was...I was thinking she was going to turn into a monster and eat me..she on the other hand had like educational stuff for me...go figure... so anyway as the session goes on she shows me the book she has..and its called you and your body or you and caring for you..something along those lines..pretty much a book for preteen girls going through puberty and things..teaching about the changes to expect and things that happen to your body as you grow.etc... I of course looked at it in horror and wanted nothing to do with it..but some inside wanted to see the book and look at it..t talked to me about it for a little bit and asked me to read a small section and then we talked about it... I really wish I could remember what I read...but the fear and nervousness came ..the sadness and embarrassment over the fact that I am having to learn this stuff as an adult because I didn't learn it as a kid and it just makes me feel so stupid...I should be able to talk about intimate stuff with my partner without becoming unable to cope and I cant...I cant label body parts correctly or even say certain words out loud for fear of something happening..something bad happening...we have agreed to work through the book with t because I know that its not me per say who was pulled into the book and wanted to know about it....the fear is theirs..the embarrassment is mine.. :( we are literally having to start at the basics ..body 101...this is your body and what happens...and why and it is hard...I just want to scream that im not a child and I don't need this...but it is the kids that are causing the blocks...the refusals to speak..the struggles to have an adult relationship...its because of the unresolved stuff...which means addressing it right?? but I would rather the floor opened up and swallowed me alive before having any of these conversations..

the session ended up causing flashbacks because in talking things from the past were of course brought up...and it took all day to kind of reach the breaking point but it did..and the fear and paranoia of mommy finding out that we are talking ..or learning this..or even acknowledging this was brought back to the forefront..the issues of speaking to much and that means punishment came up...the thoughts of needing to go forward or to hide and stay in a comfortable zone all came up...it took a long time calming things down..and it was done safely..there has been no punishment..but the head took a massive beating you know..all the energy to maintain and not crack when things are going all over the place..

I guess the reactions to the session lets me know that this is important...that this is something that really needs to be worked on...but im struggling to get past all the feelings .. upset, fear, sad, angry, embarrassed..dejected..did I mention embarrassed? -sigh-

and all of this is started before we wont be able to see t for 3 weeks.. anxiety is up..well writing this has increased my anxiety..

I think this makes sense..i think there are questions in there somewhere..im not sure..

guess I'll give myself a pep talk

I feel like life is playing with me...like this is all some big cosmic joke and I'm in the middle of it..so much going on and I'm not sure what else I can handle..I'm tired..of all of it.. everything...
But reality sets in once again and I know that I can't give up..this mess goin  on with tramaine won't break me.I'm doing what I can...I'm doing the best I can to survive and stay stable..I'm not going to keep going back and forth with her..I've asked her to stop calling mommy and she has refused..so now it will be time to make decisions..I can't make money appear out of nothing...I have to keep living and move past this and keep trying and yes pay off all of this debt before it kills me...but right now..it's one thing at a time.working in therapy and looking for a job..And working enough hours that I can start to pay Rob back again...so much has happened..I became jobless and homeless all at the same time...there was nothing to fall back on... but I have Sarah and Anita ..check mommy in small doses , nia and avante...I'm not alone.   I need to reach  out more but I'm not alone...And what has happened can't be changed...what will  happen from here on out is still developing...And somehow someway things are going to get better...I will work on accepting where things are now and the steps I need to get them moving in the right direction...
One step at a time..as long as I don't stop moving...

Drained

I'm feeling really down, tired, out of it and sick..yesterday just became incredibly triggering because I couldn't get my thinking to calm down or slow down..I just kept going over and over what we talked about in therapy..and it got worse and worse..until I started to panic and cry and generally have a melt down that hasn't happened for a few months..not like yesterday.. I rote a lot yesterday and only took the meds has a last resort. I talked to Amanda and she helped me get myself grounded..I described all of my stuffed animals to her in detail until I was able to get a handle on the panic and fear...I stumbled upon one major issue with things yesterday though..which is what set off the panic and fear in the first place..something I hadn't thought of in a long time..but the fear of being in trouble of mommy finding out that I'm talking that she will some how get me and hurt me..became so overwhelming that I completely lost it...I've broken the old rules.which brings up thoughts of punishment for talking.. For saying to much..for not being quiet..

Today I'm just tired..feeling exposed and very vulnerable.. I want to hide..try to erase yesterday from existence . my mind is tired.my body is tired..I'm not sure I'm strong enough to win this battle

being taught the basics

I'm struggling to stay present ..since leaving  Anita..My thoughts are scattered and I can  get them together..I'm feeling to many things and tryin  to shut down..Im  tired but feeling so sick..I just  want to lay down and not think for a little while..bit my head won't turn off...I'm remembering old things..old hurts and feelings and current feelings and its all mixed up...

Courtney did print out what I sent her and both of them read it...And Anita started to address it today..And I ended up talking about past stuff and how things were and things..but also she added in this stuff about girls growing up and body stuff an  things...it upsets me that I have to be taught this..it really does..I know it is geared towards helping the younger stuck parts of me..but I'm struggling to get past the fact that I am 31 and am having to go back and learn all the stuff I missed and don't know..not really anyway.. i feel.stupid..because I should know no  it's all mixed up and wrong and well gets in the way of things..it's like having to start at  the beginning..And I feel like I'm to old to be starting with all of this...knowing that all of it is going to be leading  up to the big issues around sex and stuff...she said she would take it slow not rush..but I'm  still so afraid...afraid to talk about any of it or admit anything..admit not knowing...I feel off..sad..dejected.. and once again like a failure...

so very angry

Again tramaine is up  to her tricks again..calling  mommy..gettin  her sister  to call mommy...what the fuck..the lease is up..I'm not going back to the apartment..I'll call them tomorrow...And give them an address..I owe her nothing..I owe the rental company..not her..so she can try to take me to court but for what I don't know...I made plans...I had back up plans..but again it is my fault her plans aren't work in  out..no ...I refuse to take on any more of her damn blame and accusations...I have done nothing to her..but I seem to be at the center of ruining her life..me?? I can barely live my own life..much less single handedly ruin someone else's...an hour long talk with mommy and I'm filled in on all of this...fuck everything to do with meeting her and agreeing  to live with her...biggest mistake ever...but it won't happen again...never again

touch ..safety

Tonight before  I left Sarah she mentioned that she was  happy that I had a safe place to go..And it stopped me for a second because it's true..I am safe here..I'm not afraid..I have my,space but I'm not completely alone..I'm beginning to feel comfortable here..an  with that comes the fear that somethin  Will happen...that I'll have to leave..that I won't be wanted..And that is where my thinking gets messed up..it goes back to ..if I'm good enough..nice enough? Am I helping out enough? Is there something more I should be doing or need  to do? I have to remember that I'm not a child..that I can do things because I want to help and not because I'm trying to convince them to let me stay...the fear is there..And the one  I acknowledge that this part of stress is lessening the more worried I feel..

Sarah Birthday 2015

have you ever woken up feeling broken..confused..unsure of everything..and so very tired...i slept all night and as soon as i wake up im already tired..i dont want to deal with the day..i dont want to have to struggle to get through the day..and right now things are just back and forth..im ok and then im not ok ..im sad and then im not sad...well not even sad really ...depressed..i worry..i am worrying..i cant stop worrying...looking for a job is beginning to make me panic..and i understand that i have to look differently and find a job outside of the mental health field ..which could be a really good thing..since im still trying to work on my own stuff..but being outside of the field makes me feel so useless..what else can i do ?? what am i able to do...there is the chance of working with sarah but thats mostly weekends...and that process will take a couple months...but looking for something full time is just making me feel stupid ..and the thoughts of how much ive screwed things up ..and it is all becoming overwhelming ..and i dont want to do it ...but i have to.

....

i want to write
but im tired..sad..feeling defeated about life..things..i dont know...hopefully this mood will pass..

maybe the chat in therapy has caught up with me...  i dont know

New home....

I have made it over to avantes house...My first full day here..My first night here..My anxiety is up ..but I'll have to make do...there is no other option..so three kids and all..Im  here...it's loud...gosh it's so loud here...I think my meds are kicking in fast tonight...I'm ready to pass out..I'll write more tomorrow.

pressure

this is completely different from what i wanted to write ..but i am feeling so much pressure right now to figure things out and im afraid that im just going to screw things up or mess things up some how...
i need to fidure out what i am going to do come monday..i need to figure out what im going to do about going back to the apartment before the 11th..i need to figure out  getting my stuff moved and fitting my bed into the bedroom i have...there is a lot to figure out and right now i have plans i guess but nothing majorly concrete...and i need concrete..i need to know what im going to be sleeping at ... and so the worrying doesnt really go away..and i want to just take pills all day long to numb out so that i dont have to think about anything...what in the world am i going to do...and its not a time to go crying to anyone i guess...i did that ..and now im supposed to move on..and get planning and do something..anything..and really i just want to sit and cry because im tired of thinking and planning...im tired of wondering what im going to do and what i have to do..im tired of thinking up a way to make things ok and plausible and just i dont know...since i didnt get all the money from kathy ..a hotel is a no go...not even for a couple days..i need gas in my car and after giving avante the money ill have maybe 90 dollars or so...so that means sleeping on the couch at her place or sleeping in my car or well sleeping on the floor...all things ive done before..but what is going to get me through the next week..will i need food..what will i need to get done..job hunting and so much...just a lot to do and i am feeling the pressure...add in an inability to get a release of any sort and im just a ticking time bomb..waiting to explode..how much more will get piled on before i end up exploding ..on in my case imploding ... already the thoughts of getting razors plague my head and im not really sleeping all that great...even with the meds...its time for my sort so i am feeling really off and what not...pretty sure my hormones are wrecking havoc on something ..im picking at my hands and feet..im picking at my arms and face and legs...i am having trouble remembering if i am taking my meds...and im afraid to retake them because then ill accidentally take too many ..but which doctor would look at me and then look at my body and say i wasnt trying to kill myself...*sigh* im not suicidal...im just really really down ...depressed..tired ...im pretty sure im hiding out at sarahs ..but i have one more day ..and then ill be forced back into the world and im not really sure i want to be a part of it...i just want to be left alone...but i guess that means im just feeling sorry for myself or i like being depressed or something...everything is just to much right now...ill take enough meds to force myself to go to sleep ...  maybe i wont have bad dreams tonight..

antsy..

unsettled...thats what it is .... im feeling unsettled right now and there really isnt anything i can do about it...im living out of a bag ...and staying with sarah until monday..and then im going to figure out things over at avantes place ..but i wont be getting my stuff until that weekend...and so yes im feeling unsettled and anxious about things..worry plagues me and all i can think about is how im going to manage..i have to find a job ..but im so displaced right now that i dont want to do anything of the sort...given this is a holiday and a weekend anyway ...so i have a few days...i found a couple places to apply to ..but this is going to be really hard..and i want to give up before i even start..

whats down memory lane

lets take a walk down memory lane
only its dark
there are no pretty pictures
there is a lot of empty space
abandoned and neglected areas
where it feels as if the darkness
will reach out and grab you
but you walk it anyway
all alone
looking for answers
but nothing is there
silence surrounds you
and you cant speak a word
even here there are rules..unwritten
that cover everything
the road is endless
but you reach a certain point
And it is here
where your daily life plays
in bits and pieces
Blank stares and unremembered faces
This is where you are now
you walked through your past
and found nothing
you can walk no further
your future has not been lived yet
you stand
stuck
wondering
is it safer to go back ?
should i stay where i am ?
am i supposed to move forward?
looking down i study the road
looking for answers
or maybe a way out
instead i see my pile of tools
bottles of pills, razors, scales
coloring books, cartoons, music
mixed up together 
i feel it looking at me
daring me to make a choice
waiting for me to fail
Ghosts of broken promises
And failed attempts surround me
You can't move forward until
A choice is made

hands off

since this is my most bothersome thought currently i guess ill write about it and see if i can get it to make sense what so ever ...

i know what i want to write..a simple three letter word..so easy...but typing it..thinking it..saying it..fills me with nervousness..dread..fear..im not entirely sure..it just feels wrong in a lot of ways..i shouldn't write it..i shouldn't acknowledge it at all...but if im going to write this then i have to do something with it...so its going to be referred to as fun time for now..when im with sarah i ask for play time.sometimes Sarah makes me ask very specifically for what i want and where..which is scary and embarrassing and i fight her on it..well i refuse to give in pretty much all the time..until the outcome changes and i give in..otherwise i wont say them...i wont flat out ask for what it is..and good grief this is hard...i wont label things correctly..obviously i know the correct names of things..i know the more interesting names for things..information that is just filed away i guess...never to be used...its just there..i tell nia to teach noa the correct names for body parts because other wise she will go to school calling them all sorts of things..

i dont really remember when things got really hard with all of this..i have no idea ...i was pretty much hands off with everyone i could manage when i was younger i think...if i didnt have to touch you and you didnt have to touch me then the better it was...mommy being the exception to that rule i guess..i grew up being afraid that everyone would end up hurting me..hitting me if they touched me ..and so i avoided it..and people..so i guess isolating started really early..i cant put ages to any of this..the fear started early..the need to be good and quiet and seeking approval all started early..

sometime after the move to nc ..i was 7 8 9 one of them...i ended up getting hurt by a cousin..with mommy in the house...the whole memory is gone..it only gets to a certain point and then im not sure..it was with a cousin who i am almost sure is either the same age as me or maybe a little bit older..maybe a little bit younger..but by then my ability to say stop or no or anything of the sort was already dead and gone..and i dont remember telling or asking her to stop...i remember being in her room..and wanting to play with her toys..but she wanted to play house..she had a dollhouse..a really big one..one minute im playing with the dollhouse and then im not..im being held down with my mouth covered..and her hands being under my clothes..and then it just kind of goes away..and i dont remember exactly what happens..i think i may have acted out a little bit after that but it didnt last long..and instead of the acting out turned inward..never mentioned what happened of course..but i think i was more careful with not being touched after that .

mommy didnt give hugs and i knew not to go to her for one..i worked hard to convince myself that i didnt need comfort or love or anything...i was doing different things to hurt myself back then but it hadnt progressed to cutting...everything i was being told i was just taking it in and twisting it around until it become mine..and i just made it worse..because i knew what my weaknesses were and i knew how to exploit them myself...i became worse on myself than mommy every could be...it was like a game in some weird twisted way..she hurt me..so i hurt me more..and the more i hurt myself or yelled at myself then the more worthless and unloveable i became...i convinced myself that i was fine with being alone...that i didnt have to worry about ever being hurt again because i was already the best at it..and no one could beat me...no one could win against me...i couldnt even win against myself... in school i didnt have friends and i didnt date so it wasnt a concern..i kept to myself..and made sure to keep everyone else away from me..

anyway..i got older..same thought processes...i don't remember if i ever took a sex ed class...i know i had to watch the whole miracle of birth thing in biology or something and still remember thinking that was the grossest thing ever and i didn't want to see it...im sure i learned all the body parts but i really dont think i ever really learned what sex was...not until i was much older..because i didnt understand why mommy kept accusing me of doing things and that she would find out about it after my period stopped for maybe a year and a half..i had no idea what she was implying...i guess i was in maybe middle school..no idea that she kept accusing me of being pregnant..absolutely no idea..but the threats and accusations came every single month..with no explanation..so it was confusion for me..i didnt know what she thought i was doing..i didnt know what she thought was going to happen or show up..i  didnt understand why she called me a whore and a slut..again words that i didnt understand or know the meaning of....i knew somehow they were bad ...and that i didnt like them..that i shouldnt like them..but at the time had no idea what i was being called or why..all centering around the simple fact that my period just decided to stop ... fear that something was wrong with me..that i was doing something wrong and had no idea what it was..worry and stress trying to figure it all out and then being stupid for not being able to..

when i started babysitting mommy drilled into me that i was not to be alone or even talk to the kids father...never ever ever....i became so afraid to even be near him..im still afraid of him and he has done nothing to me...but those fears grew to every male..they are to be feared..because they can hurt you...it was my uncle and my moms guy friend who lied on me and the end result was mommy pulling a knife on me and saying she would kill me...why trust them or anyone else at that point..so i made sure i stayed away from males because they werent safe...i still stay away from males..i refuse to see male doctors or talk to guys i dont know..or be around guys i dont know if i can help it...there is always space between us if i have to work with a male or something ..things have changed slightly due to work and stuff and having to be around males more..but the fear doesnt go away...i have to watch and be on guard..there are rules that cant be broken..dont speak first..dont approach anyone ..dont look at anyone..dont be noticed..dont call attention to yourself..reminding myself that i am ruined ..that there is no hope for me...because the scars no longer fade..

and this is way off ...ill try again another day...