cant sleep

tonight is one of those nights when i cant sleep because i have so much on my mind and no idea how to get rid of any of it..so in a last ditch effort to tire myself out i guess ill just try writing and see if i can make sense of any of it..

it really just hit me that tomorrow is the first day of dec..which means it has been almost of full year of being in the real world and im not really impressed with what i have seen..but still it has been a year that i have managed to do a lot of different things, its been fun, its been hard, its sucked royally..and i was freaking out at this time last year because of graduating and now im freaking out about moving...and somewhere in the mess in my head i realized im really really scared again..and im trying hard to pretend its not there and its not working to well because i do know its there and i can only get rid of it in ways that hurt and then it just keeps coming back...i keep thinking and rethinking the choice to move home and i keep coming to the same decisions...i have to be home but i dont want to be at home...its like i have to prepare myself to fall apart again so it wont be a surprise when it happens..i have to keep reminding myself that ive screwed things up again and didnt try hard enough...just so if i hear it then it wont hurt as much..maybe im not cut out for the real world..maybe i just get to scared and anxious about everything..maybe i dont try hard enough..all of it is left at juts being maybes..i dont want another job but i cant stay where i am..my days in my apartment are just ticking down and it scares me..what little freedom i had is slowly going away..and in two weeks it will be completely gone again..everything i have will be stuck in storage and what im keeping is just the barest stuff so that there is no chance of mommy reading anything of mine..guessing if she really got a hold of my journals it would be an eye opening experiance..and i dont want that..id rather keep her believing that im fine because its just better that way..and ill be home and be at her ever beck and call..i have to keep reminding myself to control my temper and not be so defensive because it just keeps getting me in trouble...its like im preparing to just disappear again .. im going away and its the hardest thing to explain..im not even sure that im thinking it...but i know its there all the same..and i know its happening and im not really trying to hard to stop it..i noticed im not really wanting to talk to anyone at all and im wasting more time than usual doing nothing..i dont know

sigh

its nice not being listened too...how many ways can i say i dont wear half of my clothes and i dont want them or need them..i know what i wear and what i dont wear..and ill be stupid if i keep taking things from place to place..if i cant sale them ill just give them away again..i have quite a few things to give away..packing is making me really nervous and of course going through everything i found all of my old razors and i dont know what to do with them..part of me really wants to keep them and part of me wants to through them away and since i cant decide for now im just keeping them...i dont know where to start in my closet or anywhere else really..but im trying and slowly things are being boxed up and put away..and im trying not to freak to much while doing it..

ran some errands this morning ..and actually stuck to it and didnt let myself talk myself out of it lol..because i was trying hard to not go anywhere...got some things for the trip..snacks and what not...guess ive wasted enough time and ill have to go back to packing

...

i was told through third party resources that the office ppl dont trust us and that really hurts becuase i cant think of anything i have done to be considered untrustworthy...and i think that is the last straw i guess becuase i was becoming indecisive again about quitting and i just cant work with ppl that dont trust me to do my job correctly but wont tell me what the reasons behind it is...yea i did the stupid employee counseling thing..and all ive heard is what im doing wrong and even those were blown out of porportion..but i sat there and listened and told my side not that it mattered...and thats it..nothing else on what im doing that needs to be changed , nothing on how im working with the kids or doing or anything..its like i go to work and do my job and thats all that matters until something gets back to the office about me doing something wrong and then im the worst person alive..its like as long as im doing things right then i dont really exist i guess but as soon as i screwup the world needs to know about it and put me back in my place...its hard to believe now that all i talked about for 6 months was coming back and working here after my first summer..and now im ready to go and im not sure ill be able to come back again...it goes a bit deeper than even just wanting an apology..ive done more than my job and asked for nothing but it doesnt matter because for some reason im no longer in the good graces of the boss and i dont know why or how it happened...so we are leaving on our trip on sunday and have learned that the TA is going to be in charge of everything..the TA had never been camping before aug..the TA cant cook on the stoves or carrying any of her own gear, the TA is only supposed to be there to teach but the TA is in charge now and its like god talk about undermining what little authority we have..how can they take things like that away from the counselors ?! and from the last trip of ours im not thrilled to have her along anyway because she is like a spy for the office to just report back what we are doing and how and why...why do they need us if all the importance is being given to the TA who cant do a damn thing..but ive been doing it for over a year now..i know how to run and set up camp and cook and keep them all in line..but that doesnt matter...so if she wants to be in charge she can i dont bloody care..and to make it better..we are taking the short bus to ga..i hope it breaks down..i really do so they will stop sending them out on trips..

thoughtful

work is work..i never want to forget last night though..we had so much fun playing in the dining hall during group..i was kicked out of group..i threw my shoe at jim and then took his shoes and hid them outside.a couple of the kids decided to try and tickle me..we talked about nothing and kept getting off topic..and group took about 45 minutes lol..but it was one of those nights that was just a lot of fun and laughs and smiles..and i swear today they were sad to see us go and i never thought that would happen..because for a while all i heard was how good the other counselors were and how much they wanted them..and sometime in the last couple months that has changed..somehow we have worked out a relationship with all of the kids in my group i enjoy being with them..i know where the boundary is between work and fun and they know it..its a bit weird i guess looking at it now..when again the parents are saying they can see the differences in there kids..linda said we are doing a good job but i wonder what what the motive is behind it..i cant forget that all ive been told this semester is what ive done wrong and it was a lot of stuff and then just out of nowhere its oh and by the way you are doing great with the kids...and after all the stuff with jim im not sure what i think..but that aside the two of us were talking last night and he told me that the kids are responding to us because we treat them as parents .. and not as peers like the other counselors..and i really had never thought about that before..i knew there was something about the way the other counselors did things that i didnt like and i thought they were trying to buy there affections and yes it hurt when the kids all went to them for everything ..but its not like that anymore..they respond to us and they have fun with us..even though we are the ones making them clean and do things by the book..even though we have all the groups and the dorky issues and staying in group for days..we treat them as ppl and we give them respect and trust and when they lose it they have to earn it back...i dont want to wim there affections ..and maybe that is the whole thing..i dont want to have to win them by being better than the other counselors or giving the kids what they want..i want them to get something out of the program i really do...and i think most of them have..some are talking about coming back for various reasons and that makes me sad because i know i wont be there..and its times like last night that makes me want to stay but i dont want to stay...i dont like that they are refusing the kids who need the program the most and not letting them come back..that i really dont like at all..

hmm all that aside..i really enjoyed the last few days of work...and im really excited about going to the cumberland islands on sunday..

i really hate how things are changing..mommy is dead set on going out of town for new years and that is all fine and dandy but its messing up my plans for moving..so now im moving in the middle of december and i really have less than a week to pack when i add up all the days...talk about pressure

shocked

i dont know what to do right now..jim may be leaving really really soon and its like i dont want to be selfish and ask him to stay just for my benefit and because of our last trip..its not fair to him when its been made very clear that they do not want him here..and he is upset and not sure what to do and we are working today..i dont know what to say to help him..i told him to email his resignation letter of sorts and see what happens before he really does make an permanent plans..the director sent him an email yesterday when both of them were on campus all day long and ssaid if he didnt like things then he could leave.. well that sounds like being fired to me or having to go ahead to turn in a notice ...one important little thing being jim never signed his contract..i think he could walk out today and no one could do anything to him about it..and i dont think the office ppl even realize he never signed his..and now its like he is putting in his letter again but he is counting the last letter also so basically its like he could be leaving at the end of the week..and i dont know because i do want him to stay and i told him so..i dont want to go on the last trip without him and its looking more and more like i will be..jon is on the trip now and most likely wont be able to go on the trip with me but i dont want to be by myself with karla either because she doesnt do anything but teach school..and that wont help me any when i have kids freaking out all over the place..but i know it would be incredibly selfish for me to ask him to leave after the trip..and i wouldnt do that..i know he wouldnt just leave me hanging unless he had to and i can understand that but it hurts all the same..a sub cant just pick up and leave for a week..and im not a driver so that makes it even harder...and i dont know what they would do in the office to fix this problem that they have created because the whole thing just blew up when jim asked for the money he was owed..the whole thing is really stupid because its like they are choosing to keep the ppl who dont clean up or do anything around campus and then treating me and jim like we dont matter at all and we have been here longer...it sucks because we are still the ones picking up all the slack even though we are being treated unfairly..im really having a hard time believing this is actually happening and i know ill have to go home and start packing and getting things done and it doesnt make it any easier...im to worried about the trip and who will be going on it with me now...i want to know what is happening and i know i wont be told at all once im at home..im not even told things when im at camp..i know jim will tell me but still i will just be stuck worrying because i really cant do anything to change any of this and its bothering me..i should be able to change it and i cant..i want to change it and i want things to be ok and they arent..all i can do is freak out but i cant show how seriously worried i am because it would just make things worse..so im stuck in a million different ways..i have to do my job and im trying to stay as ok as possible but i have a million different thoughts in my head and not knowing what is going to happen makes it a million times worse..tried to calm myself down yesterday and it didnt really work..trying to now and its not really working..writing was all that i could think of kinda and even this isnt really helping because the more i write the more im worrying ...scratched my arm last night with a pin thing while i was working on laundry for the kids and it helped but not for long...just have to make it through today and then i can go home tomorrow but also if jim actually completely quits he asked if he could come and stay at my apartment until he can leave and im thinking about it..i know ill say yes but at the same time i dont want to give up my space like that..and again im being completely selfish..i dont mind him staying but its like i have to do a mental sweep of my apartment and make sure everything is put away and not left around..i have razors all over my apartment and now with packing and pulling things out and getting rid of things and having more things come into my apartment makes it harder..ill just have to suck it up and agree to let him stay because i know its the right thing to do and i wouldnt just leave and know he was stranded or something..that would just be mean..but as much as i know its the right thing to do im not completely positive i want to do it either..i suck and i know its completely a space thing..im just not sure how to make it go away for a while and be ok with sharing my apartment because this isnt like when i lived with yvonne and she had to be there .its all just my stuff and i have it all over the place and having someone else storing stuff and staying in my apartment for a few weeks and being there all the time does make me really nervous..maybe i just need to work it out a bit more and think about it until im comfortable with it because either way im guessing im running out of time to make a choice..and that makes me even more nervous..

anxious

i find it really funny that one of my kids actually told me she was going to tie my hands together if i kept picking..given at the time i wasnt picking at all i was just playing with the band on my watch but its interesting that she noticed i was playing with it and it really was becoming and uncouncious thing...something has me really nervous and my stress has been up today with kids coming in at odd times and being alone with my group and having to deal with all the millions of little things that came up throughout the day and so i know im feeling a bit anxious but not to the point of picking again..and then i look at my fingers and im back to trimming my hangnails to stop myself from playing with them and pulling at them until my nails are bleeding and sore..i did that last week and a couple of my fingers ended up infected and i knew as soon as i pulled them and made them bleed i was going to be in trouble..i wasnt and no one even noticed but my first thought was holy crap i shouldnt have done that...especially because i hate when my fingers get sore because i hate doing anything with them then..but jim gave me a break tonight and i went to the grocery store to get some caffeine before i had to commit murder or something..something told me to bring my extra soda with me and i didnt do it and i thought i was going to die for a while there today..but i went to the store and made it back in less than an hour and it wasnt a big deal since jon didnt notice i was off campus gone..i dont plan on telling him but yea that helped..i made dinner and the kids liked it but i only ate the chicken because i dont like mashed potatoes or green beans..and then i ended up having to clean the kitchen with my group because the other group was a cop out and i was just so angry with jon for not helping at all and i ended up having to do the dishwasher..a bunch of kids from the other group are walking around the dining hall doing nothing and my group which is sstill missing kids had to clean up the kitchen..ugh..but its over and done with for now and thankfully there group leaves for there trip tomorrow..i am a bit excited about going to the cumberland islands..i didnt go on that trip last semester and it is exciting a bit because it really is like an island..we have to take a ferry to get there!! god i hope i dont get sea sick that would be gross and i may have to stay on the island lol..ill have to make sure andy has her camera so i can take pictures :) maybe we will see the wild horses that are there..that would be really cool..something else im noticing is that i just want to eat junk food and nothing else...i dont know why..maybe its just because im beginning to focus more on food again and not wanting to eat..and so i just eat whatever i want to and its not healthy and it just makes me even more annoyed with myself for not being able to control what i ate and what i dont eat..and then at the same time i guess im a little leery of trying to control it because it only takes a few thoughts before i can talk myself into purging and id rather not do that at work ..guess id rather not do it at all but i wont push the issue..so hopefully i get a grip and stop being a pig


but i better get going to bed..tomorrow is going to be another long day

ugh

now is so not the time to figure out that im not happy and dont know what i want to do with life anymore..i dont have the slightest idea and moving home is really just making it all seem worse..because i wont have a job and i wont have anything to fill up my day with for a while..i know that ill have to find one but i dont know how long it will take or what ill find or even where ill end up at and its seriously worrying me..oh well .. hmm guess thats all for now..im at work but just waiting for kids to come back and so its going to be a slow day today and i dont care what they do as long as they are behaving and its freezing outside and about to rain and we actually have no schedule today so im not complaining for now ..but jon is coming in and i expect for things to have to be more scheduled then.. but he is late..hows that for a boss?! how can you be late when you knew you had to work today and i bust my butt to get here on time when i dont want to really be here anyway but im on time, im never late..but whatever im doing my job and he had better not complain...but i dont know what they expect us to do with the 5 kids that are here and we are waiting for like 10 to show up through out today..so yea not thrilled about because right now there are 2 of us for 5 kids but then once other kids start showing up we will have to break them back up into there groups and the other group cant be single staffed because it never works out but my group can be for a little while..
but its not my group..so why should i worry and yet i do..because i cant just let that staff get run over ..oh well...you know for all we do and get yelled at about its like the other set of staff are being held to different standards and so they can trash camp and give the kids candy and soda everyday and no one says a thing to them about it...we come on and change the schedule a tad bit and we never hear the end of it and i dont think that is fair at all...the kitchen is a mess ..everywhere is a mess and we will have to clean it up..yea thats real fair..

thanksgiving is over

well thanksgiving is over and im back in my apartment and have been for a few hours but kinda ran some errands and played online..learned again my impluse control is kinda not there lol..i went to get the august rush soundtrack because i couldnt live without and could not see past getting it and nothing else mattered and now i have it and im fine again..i had to go to three stores in all before i found it but now i have it and its really good although im only really listening to one song for right now..but the movie was really good..i went with nia to see it yesterday and we saw enchanted too and that was also good..but i really really want to see august rush again and its been a good while since ive found a movie that i would pay to see again! kinda shocking in a way..but i found out again also in the movie that i have some serious sensory issues..parts of the movie just made me really anxious because there was to much noise going on at once and it was just getting all jumbled together and i couldnt just hear one and tune out the rest..but that aside it was a really good movie as ive said like 5 times lol..

hmm ate to much today but im not going to get on that topic because i just flat out refused to let myself go and throw up and so im feeling a bit sickish..not really to interested in getting ready for work right now..mostly i juts have to straighten up my kitchen from where i cooked dinner and then gather up laundry..nothing to interesting but for now im a bit tired and not to interested in work either..mommy talked alot about me moving home and how it was going to be done...so the next time im at home i have to pack..and all i can do is look at it all and stress out because i cant figure out where to start and i dont know what im supposed to do..ok i know what im supposed to do but i dont want to do it and i just cant let it drop because after christmas when mommy brings the moving van everything needs to be packed and ready to go..it is really overwhemling..and i dont know what to condense down to actually go home with me since i cant be a lot and im not counting clothes at all..and i found out im getting a new stove on monday..its about time! not that i use it much but its a pain in the butt to have it keep going out..and i cant find my extra set of keys to my apartment..and im not really focused much right now..

so it starts

guess ill have to make this quick but my head is all a mess right now..im cursing the fact that i have to move home and at the same time its like haha you asked for it in some stupid way..maybe im just being completely childish and selfish and blowing things way out of poportion..i dont know...last night as i was cooking and helping out in the kitchen mommy comes in and of course starts in about my weight and whether ive gained or lost and ive pretty much stayed the same the past few months but anyway..i was informed that my new years resolution will be to lose weight..funny cas i thought i was supposed to come up with my own if i wanted one or not and guess its sucks for me because now i have one already and its not even jan yet..but its going to be between me, mommy and nia...and im pretty sure nia doesnt even know shes included in it yet...and somehow money will be involved and it will be a monthly thing..person who loses the most gets such and such..its the most outlandish thing ever and so stupid ...why does it have to be such a big deal? who cares what i weigh and what i dont? why does it matter..and i guess its just that its always mattered on some level..nia has fallen from grace for gaining weight and i suck for not losing any..

randomness

against all my better judgement im actaully getting hooked to dexter!! never would have watched it without jim wanting to and now its like i have to watch it almost as much as i watch antm lol..but its really good if not incredibly weird..but still interesting and watchable..scandlous at times but not so bad..



and now im at home and still have yet to actually make it home..had to come to work to cover for mommy so now im just over here using the computer since dee and them just left to fly to va for thanksgiving..no point in leaving just yet..and i just realized of course that she had no intention of coming back anyway...im so stupid..i really did think i would just be here for a little while and well 4 hours later im still here..ugh...i liked seeing riley and harris of course but i would have liked to go home..but not going to complain about it i guess..

the drive was utterly boring of course..tons of cop cars out and im surprised ive managed to avoid getting a ticket because i was seriously speeding but then i always speed..hmm ok i speed a lot ..but anyway made it here all fine and dandy..and now im ready to go back to my apartment now..nothing for me to do and i just remember how freaking much i hate being in wilmington..i find it so crowded but i guess its the size of any small city..or maybe its just i grew up around it and didnt like it then so i dont like it now..and of course everyone is just talking about how im moving back and wanting to know what im going to be doing...i dont know what im going to do or where im going to work and i hate being asked things like that..and i knnow as soon as i go home ill be told i have to help clean and i have to help cook ..i could have stayed at work for that at least i would be getting paid..but i shouldnt complain either..i should be happy to help out at home right? hmmm not feeling to good right now..guess ill have to get off the computer and start heading home..although i know ill get yelled at anyway for taking so long..

just a bit of nothing

i have been having trouble coming up with words for what is going through my head all the time..i keep thinking about all this stuff and it doesnt go anywhere...i cant figure out what i want to say about any of it...i keep trying and just end up looking at the page for a long time until i just give up..although with all the blocks on the comps at work now its not even any fun being online anymore..i cant get into the sites i like and the ones i can get into just arent the same..for heavens sake gmail chat is blocked..not that i used it much but i would have liked to consider using it! blah..kinda realize all this unimportant stuff once i cant use it anymore ...and then having the comps at work made the week go by faster because then i could waste time in the cabin when the kids werent there..and now cant even do that anymore...

but it is now thanksgiving break and its been a busy few days..hard because the kids were excited about going home and hard because we constantly had to remind them to behave and not be jerks for a couple of them..and this morning i had a weird motherly kick because i was doing airport runs and i swear i drove jim up the wall with my forever asking for something to do because i was bored out of my mind lol..but i was an escort for one of them and then having 6 kids at the airport at six in the morning takes a lot out of a person..but it was as if all these kids were mine and i had to make sure they stayed safe and got what they needed and got on the planes safely..saying bye was hard too..but i know ill be seeing them in a few days and im not sure if that makes it better lol..but it was hard and it was unexpected too...last night was a pain because of course they are all excited about going home and one had trouble sleeping..well instead of just laying there quietly he had to instigate another of the boys and they were just back and forth all night until i finally got up and moved on into the common room next to the girls cabin..and he went right to sleep..which makes me know for certain that it was the other kid who just had to keep bothering him and making him get more and more agitated and then i had to be up at 4:30 in the morning for his flight and oh i wanted to just yell at him for being such a jerk when he didnt need to be...jim talked to him though because i wasnt in the boys cabin this morning and its like dude you have once again messed up and lost all trust..ugh sometimes i really just wish they would think through what is going to happen when they do some of these things..not to mention i go to work on saturday and we have the most idiotic schedule ever..and with strict instructions for what we can and cant do of course and its like well clean this, this and this and then go to the parade and to art galleries in asheville and then make bread bowls..well in all of those plans for the schedule they seemed to have forgotten time frames that it takes to cook a meal and then got 16 kids fed and clean up the kitchen..not to mention how long it takes to clean the cabins and deep clean the kitchen and all this extra stuff and its like oh and make sure you go to the parade at 2 and you cant be late..i looked at it and all the stuff and wanted to laugh at it because it was so unbelievable..the kids in my group had just gotten back from the 10 trip and they didnt want to go and there we are telling them oh you have no choice in it.it says we are going and so we are going too bad..i didnt want to go but we had to go and we did..we didnt make it back until after 6 and then had to fix dinner ..its so stupid that jon does things like this and then makes it so we cant change it or do things on a different day..and the Christmas parade could have been a lot of fun but we had no idea what kind of parade it was even going to be! all it said was theres a parade and you are going and thats it...we could have done a float or dressed up or let the kids walk in the parade for some reason but no we just show up and its like oooohhh its a Christmas parade..well duh how come we couldnt be in it..at least that might have given the kids something to work on and do themselves but no it wasnt like that and it sucks because it could have been so good...but we stuck to the stupid schedule and made them to everything on the schedule ... the subs for the other group were a lot of fun though because it was baxter and quinn and i had really been missing quinn a lot..so it was cool having her around again and talking about nothing and laughing and goofing off..and baxter of course is great and ill never forget i saw parts of him ill never forget lol...staff party of 07 was memorable to say the least :)..but anywhoo seeing them was fun and i had no second thoughts about taking what baxter gave me..it was some form of codine i think ..he had just had his wisdom teeth out and so he was taking some strong drugs and it was like oh i want one and he was nice enough to give me one...hmmm one of the things i thought about while at work these past few days..its like all the little things jim and i do dont get noticed at all..no i dont have to make sure the dishrags are washed and bleached without being asked too..i dont have to clean up the laundry room or do all of my groups laundry..i dont have to help out with the other group or cook meals during the week but i do and i dont complain and that doesnt come up at all..all that comes up is what im accused of doing and its like why do i even bother doing some of the things i do...i dont do it for the office..i do it because thats the right thing to do..its the correct thing to do..we cant clean the kitchen if we dont have clean rags..we cant do a lot of things and it is me and jim who are making the kids clean and do laundry and not letting them slack off..we are the ones unclogging all the stupid toilets and making sure the cabins are cleaned and the other side of the shift does nothing..the kids tell us that we are the ones who get things done around camp but no one else seems to see that at all..i dont get it at all...it makes me sad i mean no i dont do it for the recognition or the thanks but a thank you every so often would be nice ..and there was a conversation going on last night about how we arent doing this for the money and thats all fine and good but im not able to live making what im making now and the stress is driving me up a wall ..now if im to stressed out about money to work what good am i?? so no i dont stay for the money but making more money would make life easier..my kids are now asking if im coming back and i keep telling them i dont know..i feel guilty for saying im not coming back but im not and im not sure where the guilt is coming from...so for now i dont really talk about it with anyone except jim and mommy and erika and i told yvonne and nia and henry and janet...so i guess thats all the basics..and the message boards i hang out on..but thats all...none of the office ppl know and for now i guess it is just having to stay like that.. hmm guess thats all for work issues

im at home and not packing of course..to busy watching the charlie brown thanksgiving specials that are on :)..i need to pack and get dusti ready..i need to clean up a bit and go to bed at a reasonable hour so i can wake up early and drive home...not thrilled about going but no use arguing an unwinnable battle..so home i can and ill come back on saturday at some point..and then back to work and then ill be working again on sunday for when kids come back...

another day

today was my last day off and it hasnt been bad..im just so tired..went to the library and the movies..didnt do laundry at all and its really piling up..jim was here for a couple days and went home when i left to go out..and then came back and read a book and b/p for reasons i dont really know..it was just all of a sudden i was having dinner and feeling way to full and it just became something i had to do..still feeling a tad bit sick from it but not horrible and of course now its in my head and seeming like a great idea to keep doing it..oh well ill have to see..back to my group tomorrow and im not that thrilled..i wish i could just have a couple more days off ..dont know why im so tired though..hmm mommy thinks i should wait a couple more weeks before telling the office crew im not coming back..guess ill wait until after the holiday then and then go and tell them..i dont see any point in putting it off but mommy thinks ill be fired if i say im leaving now..its not like they are having tons of extra ppl looking for the job..but whatever..ill wait..for some reason im not really feeling much like writing..my head is quiet tonight..dont know why..

a bit confused

i dont know why i was thinking about the whole protection thing and me tonight..but normally when i think of it i guess im slightly annoyed that other ppl feel the need to protect me..and its not often at all but the select few are still there..but when i think about it i guess it just kills that level of control i try so hard to keep because someone is seeing something there i dont want to be noticed..some frality that needs to be watched and kept safe..but im not thinking about that right now..its like a complete turn arouond because some where in my warped mind i found out that there is a part of me that wants to be protected more than anything else..its a really deep feeling and completely hard to explain and i think it more of a bother now because im thinking i dont want to be protected and i do but its not being done in the way i want it to be..ok that just sounds really confusing..but i really cant explain where the drive comes from because i do know what i want and i know where i want it to come from but its just getting it that would be a problem..that i dont know how to do..and so it all just makes me more confused because i cant seem to figure it out..maybe its one of those i know what it is and just cant admit it because i do have a lot of those floating around also..

hmm

ok enough on that before i depress myself anymore .. went and got my check today..got no apology from linda and only got an apology from jon about not calling because i brought it up first and told him i would have appreciated the call..my address was fixed in the computer now and i can understand why it didnt end up getting overnighted to me..but it still upset me and i got the feeling it didint matter to them at all..im jstu a lowly counselor and i dont matter .. and of all the excuses to use he told me he didnt have my number..what the hell kind of excuse is that because i can pull up my number on those computers in the office since i know how to get into all the paperwork because of being stuck in the office over the summer..i know where my file is kept paperwise in the office and he had the nerve to tell me he didnt know my number?! jim has my number and he was there all day yesterday and he could have been asked and he wasnt and it annoys me that jon thinks im that stupid..it really does..i decided im going to ask linda next week to have a talk so i can let her know im not coming back and why..i have to do that..i have to make myself do that and i cant put it off because then ill lose my resolve and not do anything..i have to get it done next week..it also means i have to start packing my apartment up and figure out when ill be moving home completely..it means looking for another job in the next few weeks and figuring out how far it is i want to drive to get to it..and all the other little stuff stuck in there that i have to do in the next month or so..lots of stress..lots of worrying..i think im ready to drive myself crazy now..

forgot

it really is a pain in the butt sometimes..the cuts i did yesterday are so different than the usual ones i do..well different but ive done them before its just been a while..i was afraid to go to bed last night because i was worried it would hurt..well it did in a dull ache that went all the way down my arm and it was hard to get comfortable considering they are on my shoulder..anyway need to remember to pick up some tylenol..

jumbled mess

my head is once again filled to the cracking point and all i could think of was writing..the urge to cut has been driven away i guess because of the dull ache in my arm from earlier..as much as i hate blaming my scars on dusti these do kinda look like something clawed me..they are deeper than ive done in a while and for a brief second i really wanted new razors..because i knew with a new one i could get it to go deeper a lot faster and easier..doesnt seem so bad if it can be seen as being accidental in a purposeful sort of way..hmm yea that makes a lot of sense..god im trying to be as honest as possible and its hard..given im more honest here in my wonderfully time consuming blog than almost anywhere else because its easier to write than talk..i have over 700 posts in here and i can count on both hands the times ive reread anything ive written..cant do it..i dont want to actually see just how crazy i can get or how something that scared me got put into words to be saved forever..or even how something stupid ive done actually got wrote about..why for the life of me would anyone want to read about my adventures of walking into parked cars or going to gay bars..or giving dusti a bath cas that was funny as heck and im sure ill never ever forget the little drowned looking rat giving me evil looks for the rest of the night until she forgave me..but ive been good and my boredom hasnt gotten the best of me yet..maybe this is my own way of remembering some of the little things and some of the big things too..i guess if i took the time to read it i would gain a lot of forgotten things..but im not sure i want that .. im feeling a bit depressed right now..and really tired too..alone and forgotten and ok im feeling a lot of things..but im not hungover anymore..im still laying on the floor for lack of anywhere else to sit and my day has passed in a blur of pain and anxiety..and only know do i start realizing im getting depressed..like hide for a few days and forget the world exists kinda thing..i want to say its been a while since ive been like this but its been happening more often .. it doesnt last long buts its more often than it has been these past few weeks..a lot has been going on and cutting is back in the picture a lot..been thinking about burning again but havent done it..cant say im playing with my food when there is almost nothing to eat in the house..but all the old things are way more prominent again and im just a little worried because things wont get less stressed from here on out..it will just be more stress and more worried and just more of everything..i emailed one of my teachers and we are going to have lunch when im at home again..well when im at home and decide to make the 2 hour drive up to ecu..and until we figured out a date i didnt realized i missed talking to her so much..i didnt realize i missed talking to everyone i guess..kinda hard to explain who im missing but the bottom line i suppose is im missing talking or half talking or pretending to talk or how ever i want to describe my uh lack of forming meaningful sentences in the company of a teacher or doctor..i could be a pain in the butt when i wanted to be and even if it might have been unintentional i still did it..and now its just me and the only person i really talk to is jim and thats not the kind of talking i really need..yes im smart enough to know it and yes im equally dumb enough to be able to do anything about it..i wonder when things really started to change..i still have a million different little issues that add up to be big things but its different now..im still quiet and stuff but its not the same as when i first started college i guess..maybe ive grown some..i dont know..its like things arent as hopeless overall maybe..right now not included because things are pretty miserable and to top it all off i got a notice about my rent today and now i have to tell them im moving out and im sorry but i refuse to pay a extra 150 for rent if im leaving..not gonna happen...found out where my check was and i have to go and get tomorrow..so much for it being overnighted to me..do i regret leaving? i dont know..it makes me sad leaving..it makes me sad knowing i wont see any of these kids again..i wont get to talk to them or laugh with them or be completely annoyed by them..it makes me sad that im losing a really safe place..well at one point it was a really safe place and now im not so sure anymore..i like the area and for as much as i complain i enjoyed the hikes..mommy is already planning my personal fitness plan for when im at home again..might as well juts stop eating and get it over with..but no i guess i dont regret leaving but it still makes me nervous..i wonder if ill come back..i wonder if ill ever work in this company again..and the fact that my paycheck wasnt written really puts a damper on things..im not pleased at all about it..and not to mention my boss didnt even call me when they got it.jim called and let me know it was there and that jon was going to be calling me..well i waited and waited and waited and no phone..lot of respect on that one..it hurts my feelings that the whole thing can be dismissed that quickly and im guessing he got his damn check so it was nothing to worry about..im begging for one more day on bills and just hoping that ill be able to get to the bank tomorrow before anything goes in..i hope i can..if not ill cry in the morning and swear or something..ill work hard not to let my anxiety get the best of me and not cut..my arm is going to be sore enough for the rest of the week i dont want to make it any worse..on a completely different subject ive accidentally gotten caught up in a few good stories and they are really good but for some reason they always end up with one character being hurt and the other one helping or for falling in love with them or something along those lines..you know it really sucks when no one believes the one thats been hurt..and i could never ever ever chose a husband or wife over my kids if it was about abuse.not a chance in hell would that happen..but then im not having kids ..maybe ill juts have to stick up for the ones that are already here..but to do that i guess somewhere along the way i would have to grow a backbone first..because its not that i dont get angry or want to scream or make my point about something..its just that i dont let that show at all..hmm guess thats all

maybeits a bad thing to be getting so upset over all of this..its not really even getting upset okmaybe it is just about getting upset ..i know im upset..anxious, hungover, annoyed, angry, dejected.i guess im done with being upset and now theres just nothing left .. i call the office and no one is there, jim checked for my check for me and its not there..left a message for linda and she hasnt called me back and once again im stuck waiting..i guess its not important to anyone but me to know that im going to be out an extra 70 bucks because everything going into the bank is going to bounce..and ill be s tuck paying it all off..after working so hard to make sure nothing would bounce again and now im stuck just waiting and watching my account get ruined..fine ill admit defeat..i enjoy being forced to stay in my apartment because i cant waste gas running around doing nothing..maybe its just that i actually cut enough to stop caring .. dont know

fun fun fun

ok maybe not so much fun as that right now i dont have a care in the world and im not sure i really care...for the record drinking is bad yes i know but im not driving im sitting in my apartment doing absolultely nothing and so the dsay ended on a really really bad note and it was either cut or drink..not sure which is better but god drinking at least takes me no where..i dont hurt im not scared and i no longer want to cry..i broke the biggest rule ever and im not sure i care..and i havent eaten enough today because 2 drinks and couple shots later im already so close to going away and drifting into oblivion where nothing hurts anymore and the mess i find myself in doesnt matter either..god its been so long since ive had a drink like months and so im not concerned but hmm ok ill be concered in the morning but for now its like make it stop make it all go away and i dont care how it happens..and now on to nonsense cas thats all i care about..hmm i have a really fuzzy disoriented feeling right now..everything is funny no matter how stupid and i think dusti is annoyed that im talking to myself so much..looking at the computer screen makes me see the everything in a far off way..its takes a minute for my eyes to really focus and zero in on what im looking at..not that i mind.its just funny for now ..i should be worried i guess since i juts want to pass out so ill just sleep..ive never passed out before though..suddenly im really talkative and the funny thing is i really dont like the taste of vodka at all..and the drinks i made well one have vodka in them and two arent mixed well but they are strong and i can taste the alcohol and i hate that..but to reach my goal i have to drink and drink fast and then ill crash and i wont care anymore..suddenly i want to talk to everyone and no one..i want to dance and party and forget about everything ..but unfortunatley im stuck in my apartment and im so giggly when im drunk its not even funny..its like focus finsih this and then just disapear and suddenly ive forgottne how to spell ..and yet my mind is blissfully clear and empty not counting my millions of misspelled words :) im such a dork ok something seriuous hmm tomorrow is a national holiday and i forgot i freaking forget and no check and everything will bounce and i should be supset i should be mad and pissed off and i was earlier almost made it to tears whem mommy pointed out everything was closed tomorrow and its like i want to swear and swear and scream everything is screwing up and i cant fix it and its not my fucking fault this time its not everything will bounce because low and behold theres a dollar in the bank and my check hasnt fucking turned up..ok im done being serious because its killing my buzz and i want to keep it for a little longer..imn ot sure i can sit still for such longer since im just at the drinking point of being a bit fuzzy and out of it. and now im jstu rambling and talking about nothing and i guess im done for now...god let me pass out soon so this day will be over with

annoyed

im trying and trying and trying to stay calm and well slightly calm and not freak out anymore but i am just getting more and more nervous..no my check hasnt shown up..no one is in the office because ive been calling..i dont know where my check is at all and its freaking me out..and after jim left its just me and its like i can freak out as much as i want to now and im trying to keep some small sort of control..but its not going well and im just on edge..and still im freaking stuck doing is waiting..

upsetting day

i needed my paycheck today..i needed that money and i already knew what i had to do wtih it..and i check my account this morning and nothing...i was floored and then i freaked big time..i couldnt stop pacing..i couldnt stop my thoughts from going all over the place..i was upset and worried and couldnt figure out why my check wasnt in the bank like usual...called the office twice and no one picked up so i just freaked out even more..decided i needed to do something and well that turned into cutting before i made myself go shower for a long time..cutting helped more than i like admitting anymore and it sucks because just when i was thinking i wouldnt have to do it anymore and then today comes along and it all went to hell..hid in the shower for a while because jim was here and i couldnt just pace and pace around like i usually do when im starting to stress out..so all day ive been just worried and stressing because after i finally got in touch with someone at work she saidi she would call back and i tried not to be a hassle and keep calling..and it was killing me to wait..3 hours later im told half the checks werent written ??! how in the hell can you forget to write half the checks!! i dont know who else didnt have one but i know i was told half were missing..and now they are being overnighted..and its just a pain ..i feel better i know what happened at least..not the why because i had already come up with a few whys for why i didnt have a paycheck and none of them were good at all..but things are just kinda shot for the rest of the weekend..

i keep fighting the urge to just go and hide out or something..i came to work and its not the same anymore ..i dont want to have fun..it feels like we cant have fun anymore and everything has to be done by the book..i had to go to church today with them and it sucked because it was a surprise and i wasnt expecting it..i didnt want to go but jim just flat out refused to go inside and all that was left was me because the kids cant really go in by themselves..i dont mind going but i had already asked not to go back to that particular church and its like once again we werent listened to and so i ended up back in the same church again..its not fair that the kids and parents are promised that they will have the option to go to church without asking first if we want to take them..what about our religion or lack there of?? doesnt that count for something?? i told one of my kids that i had no preference when it came to religion and i really dont and i dont consider that the wrong thing to tell him but that was the nicest way i could figure out how to say i dont care much for religion..

hmm so im doing my job and it will be by the book to the max..and ill have till dec 14 to figure the rest of it out..i guess sooner than that if we have to pack and move and everything..

i had the chance to talk to one of my kids from last semester today...he is one of the returners and he was having a melt down kinda day..yelling and cursing at everyone and i happened to volunteer to go and talk to him because i wasnt doing anything else right then..i asked him to stop yelling at me and he did..he came and sat down with me and talked and figured what he needed to do and who he needed to apologize to..everything we worked so hard to get him to do last semester he is doing now and we had a part in that ...its so odd seeing the returners and how much they improved from when we had them last semester and knowing on some level we are responsible for those changes..we are the ones well one of the four who drilled it into them last semester and its you know 6 months later and we are seeing the results now..i told him i was proud of how much he improved and how i hoped he would work on his stuff now so he could go back to his regular school in the spring..we talked about last semester and some of the trips..we talked about his behaviors and ways to improve and he listened..he listened without yelling or cursing at me..he apologized and did what i asked him to do..it was so shocking..and as i sat there with him for an hour i realized how much i had missed talking to him..both when he was upset and when he wasnt..i didnt think i would miss that at all

i want to be empty..i want to stop feeling..i want to stop getting hurt..

ramble

im not feeling good today at all..maybe a stomach bug or something but for now im feeling rather miserable and sick..

went to see martian child today and it was a good movie..sad but it had a happy ending at least..and now i really want to see the movie coming out on the 21st..august rush..it looks really good..

for some odd reason today i was thinking about why it was i had to get forced into dancing for forever and didnt get the option to do other things..and then i try to remember what were all the things i had to do and it was a lot..and for the things i didnt have to do i wonder why some were picked and some werent..i had to do dance but hated preforming..but i loved going and watching the competitions ..i miss it though..cant ever really do it again i guess but i miss it in a weird way..i did band and played the flute..but never had to play sports with my brothers and sisters..i had to do pageants and i guess i cant complain..i was never good enough to win..i got so jealous of nia because she always won and i never did..but then i balked at all the attention and ended up hating it more...i hated that all our weekends were spent going to parades and supporting her when i didnt want to do it..did baton for a while and was ok at it i guess..i dont think i ever really showed much interest in to many things and stopping anything i was expected to do was just a flatout no..every year i asked to stop dancing and never was allowed too..and i was thinking today how much i think singing..but again the whole attention thing kinda kills it..but singing seriously is an outlet..i really only sing for myself i guess..wouldnt really want someone else telling me i suck horribly..that would take the fun out of it..

feeling a bit depressed right now..its been a while since i have thought about the adoption thing and the movie i went to see today just brought it up again and its really hard i guess..trying to figure out why it was i hiad to be adopted anyway..there are so many questions floating around in my head about whether my real parents know anything about me or what happened to my sister..did they look for me at all or ever plan on finding me ..except i went from one to the other and still im not wanted..do ppl even really know that ppl are paid to adopt kids..its done in a way that it is to help out with the extra kids..but putting it in the simplest terms ever..parents are paid to adopt kids..ever so often i think that im going to be stuck for forever paying mommy back for keeping me..doesnt that seem awfully sad and depressing? i have to pay for all of the stupid things ive done and trouble ive caused..its gonna take a long long long time to make up for all my reasoning behind why i consider it a good idea to keep adding scars to my arms and legs and where ever else i decide too..hmm changing the subject..is it a good thing to be like everyone else? is it good to be seen as normal? for as much as i try to fit in its always like i fail miserably because i seem incapable of acting my age.because im afraid of always being in trouble and even now it feels like im in trouble and that i have to prove once again that im good enough..good enough to just on the sidelines and be allowed to watch everyone else..i consider all that jim tells me about myself..i dont ask but it does come up sometimes and he just tells me im strong and independent and i have good work ethic and that he is glad he got to work with me again..i do want to believe him..but i still wonder why he would say those things when ive done nothing to deserve it..i dont want to go back to work tomorrow but im glad my group is leaving for 10 days and i wont have to see them..and thne it will be almost thanksgiving and they will get to go home and then it will be like 3 weeks left before they go home for good...

last few days

rather disjointed a bit...

i would pay to meet beth hart..i really would and it really does suck that she is touring in denmark/holland and im not even close enough to pretend i could go to a concert! i gave in an ordered the born cd though and it should be here next week sometime. that does make me a little bit happy because It hurts is my favoritest song for right now and the video makes me want to cry but it was done very nicely. it is really rather cool finding more music i can relate to and its is a bit odd i guess how often it is i end up liking music and singers from ppl on the other side of the world because it is a little bit hard getting ahold of some of the cds i want...and they are expensive as imports good grief!!

today was mommys birthday and i called to say happy birthday..i got her a card that i havent mailed yet but she is out of town and i didnt forget it..i just put off going to the post office for some reason because i have a few things i need to get mailed but for seom reason going and actually mailing them worrying me..

the past couple days jim stayed with me..for him it was to get away from c amp and all that has been going on since his car isnt working now..and i really dont mind him being here or hanging out with him (although now he knows i watch "I want to look like a hs cheerleader and im afraid i wont be living that one down!) and we have fun together and it really is funny how much we can laugh at each other ..we act like a married couple so much its funny..but we have talked a lot about what happened and the meetings and how we each got mostly the same questions and how we answered and what we thought..we talked about staying and going..the differences between the semesters and how things are going downhill so fast..it makes me sad that the manager is messing up what could be a good program..i dont know how long it will last..it makes me sad that i wanted to stay and now i dont want to anymore..i didnt think i would ever leave talisman and now its all i can do to make myself go back to work on sunday and last for 3 days..my feelings are beyond hurt right now and i cant believe they would make it seem like i dont know what im doing or would do something to intentionally hurt those kids..i dont like that they got one side of a story and decided that it was right and then accuse not ask me what happened..i cant believe they have such a low opinion of me after i have been there for a year and a half..i do everything im asked to do without complaining and this is how im repaid..it sucks because the meeting wouldnt have been so bad if i had had warning or known before it happened that they had questions or maybe they could have pointed out that we were dooing things the wrong way or something.but it didnt happen like that and it was just having all of this stuff thrown at me all at once was really really overwhelming and after a while i was just to mad and upset to really get all of it..god i dont cry often but i spent most of that day crying because it was like being attacked without warning...i couldnt be with my group and i wanted nothing to do with camp and it was hard being stuck there and unable to leave..and then having one of my campers tell another counselor she hated me just pushed everything over the edge..jim sent me away for dinner because i really was about to start crying again..and then even when i went back it was all i could do not to just scream at them all to leave me alone..i didnt accept the apology the camper gave and pretty much refused to talk to her for the rest of the night..maybe that was being childish on my part i dont know..all i know is that was a bad day to have her say that and i just couldnt do it again..because its not the first time she has made that comment and its not the first time she has tried to take it back...and if i wanted to mean i could have pointed out that im the one when im working dealing with her wet clothes and constantly getting them washed and dried..i would have pointed out how many times she has been disrespectful and how many times ive talked to her one on one about a lot of different things and i didnt..i didnt bring any of it up and i just ignored her..jim talked to them all about how saying things and then trying to take it back isnt the easiest thing in the world to do..i wasnt there and when i came back some of them tried hard to make me feel better..a lot of them told me they liked me and liked that i was working with them..but my mood was shot and almost didnt care..it helped but i was past trying to process anything else..all i wanted was to go home and forget about all of it..and having jim come home with me and us talking about all of it helped..but now im alone and all of it just makes me really sad and all the hurt just comes back..im still not getting why i wasnt told before this they thought we were doing something wrong and it needed to be fixed or worked on..i was under the impression we were fine and doing a good job but obvisously not and now its like being in all this trouble and not knowing how to deal with it...and it hurts that the person that gave all this info never talked to us about it..never said anything..and now all these accusations are coming up and its like we are being watched all the time and she is giving reports on what we are doing..now everything is just piling on and its hard to break things apart and even try to figure it all out..i got a letter the day i left and it was an apology kinda..but jim didnt get one and its hard to figure out why they are trying to put us against each other..i dont get why they think he is talking me into things?! i may be quiet but im not stupid..i can tell jim when i think something wont work or when i dont like an idea..i think i have been here long enough to know what works for me and what doesnt..and at every turn now we are being undermined and pushed aside and its not fair..i dont really know what im supposed to be doing..we are leaving for our last trip the first week in dec and i dont want to go because now its like the teachers assistant is only coming to watch us and make sure we are doing things by the book..its like fine i wont do anything not on the schedule..ill cook the food left out because everything else is locked and we couldnt change anything anyway..ill live by the stupid schedule and wont do anything else fun ever again..the weekends was all the freedom we had left and now even that has been taken away..so everything will be by the book now..no more asking the kids what they want to do or what they would like to do..no more getting there thoughts on things because we dont do that..how are these kids supposed to learn anything when they arent asked?? and now we arent even allowed to do that anymore..and nothing we did was ever done to undermine the program it was done to figure out what the kids wanted and what worked..and now its said that doing that is wrong because they dont care about what the kids want..and for the kids returning the ones who we have seen grow and come back to the program..what will happen to them now..i know other ppl can work with them but jim and i started with them..we know some of those kids so well and can see how much they are improving..and now its like ill never see them again if i leave..but im not sure i want stay..i dont want to stay..but im afraid to leave too..i know i have a job no matter how annoying it is right now..but i dont want to be kept on because they have no choice and because they dont have enough ppl to work..how can they talk about expanding the program and adding on more groups when they cant even keep the people they have now? half the staff isnt planning on returning..there will be no teacher, no asst manager..no one to pick up all the slack from the boss and run the program because he isnt doing what he needs to do..i know whats not working in the program and no one has taken the time to ask what those are..between last semester and this one no one has asked what i thought or what i would change..but during the training it was heavily implied that we had been asked..and that we the returners were fine with all the changes and add ons..and it was like no we werent but ok fine..i was more optimistic than jim at the beginning..i was giving them benefit of the doubt that things would be better..things would work better and jon would actually follow through with all of his promises..well it hasnt worked out that way..once again we are left hanging as staff..we are the ones still breaking the news to kids about things that have been promised and then fallen through because jon said one thing to them and something else to their parents..i dont trust him anymore..i have all of these things i would have liked to have brought up in that meeting but i wasnt thinking about any of it because all these different things were being thrown at me and i couldnt figure it all out and give answers too..i drew a blank on a lot of things that would have had liked to say and didnt because my brain was on overload and i was trying not to cry and trying to be open and listen to all of it..and i wouldnt feel comfortable leaving without telling them exactly why..but to do that i would have to sit down and get it all written so i dont get sidetracked or off topic..otherwise ill forget or leave something out..

its pretty much been decided i guess..im going home whether i want to or not im going home by the 1st of the year..dusti is going to be stuck there too and yes mommy puts up with her but mommy doesnt like her and it drives me crazy because them im just being yelled at for even more stuff than usual..there is only so much that can be done with a littler box..everything in me says no to going home and to just find a job here and stay up here..but being as realistic as i can be i know that wont work..im behind in just about everything and im not making enough to do all of it right now..going home and saving is the smart thing to do and still that brings me no joy or peacefulness at all because im to worried about all of it..i wonder if this counts as a crisis yet? you know the thing i was told to go back to therapy to avoid..fun fun fun..gotta love not being able to afford to do anything...now im just waiting...waiting to go back to work..waiting to find out for sure if im even wanted back next semester..waiting to see if ill need to start packing..just waiting for all of it..and in all of it staying safe just doesnt seem that important..because if i show up for work and do my job then whats wrong with anything else i happen to be doing?