positive positive positive

i can do this..its just an interview, and not a long on..it will go absolutely fine and ill wonder why i freaked out so much in the first place....everyone says relax and be myself..so im trying too



i hope i can do this

my head hates me

i ment to writee yesterday, actually i really ment to write sunday night and didnt and now ive forgotten why, most likely i just got really sidetracked and yesterday i was a little afraid to sit still for to long...so whats been going on umm i dont know really a lot of small stuff...yvonne surprised me and alexis with a cake and cards on sunday to just say thanks for being well just being us pretty much and it was really nice and me and yvonne went out to lunch and played who can find the sappiest vday card at the drug store..for the record there are some horrible cards out there but it is fun laughing at them when i know ill never ever shop for them! so umm that was sunday pretty much..yesterday was busy i went shopping for a new shirt and ended up going out to dinner and more shopping and i got a book full of disney stickers from alexis and alexis actually told me yesterday that i was going into the right field..surprised me but i guess it was nice surprise since when she told me i was a million miles away thinking of if i had to go home or not...i was talking to harris yesterday once again i didnt call to speak to him personally but i like talking to him so it wasnt a bad thing or anything..and he talked to me about his homework and i gave him some ideas for it and of course he asked when i was coming home and i didnt have an answer for him and i asked him when he thought i should come home and he wanted me to come home today...and i was expecting him to ask for the weekend but he wanted me home like now and in a way it does make me feel wanted but at the same time i dont want to go home at all because that would mean i would have to deal with mommy and i dont want to do that right now..to much other stuff going on and so i told him i would try for the weekend but i cant because i have work to do and i dont know when ill actually make it home..that and i find out yet again that dee is wondering why i dont want to babysit anymore...god as if practicly living at there house anymore isnt good enough>? what does she want from me? im sorry if hanging out over there just isnt that much fun anymore, yea i get paid for it and the money is good and really easy when i want to put up with it and when im there i dont have a problem staying but good grief just leave it alone and stop trying to figure me out! if you dont want me to babysit then fine ok im to old to be just babysitting all the time, yea i need a job and i know that but i hate to break it to you but you arent gonna be my main source of income so just give it a break..that and no one freaking sees fit to come right out and ask me and then i hear it from mommy and have to lsiten to how much i have a bad attitude and how i need to be more grateful...ok fine i dont care that much its just money really...if it comes down to it i guess it doesnt matter..im to good of a babysitter for dee to just be like no you cant babysit anymore and riley and harris like me to much to let that happen...besides they arent small kids anymore and most of the time they arent even there its not like a huge deal...its just hearing from mommy how sucky i am doesnt make me feel any better..and then its like ok fine im a horrible person and you are telling me this because you dont care what i do? well if this is you not caring i would hate to see how you would start acting if you did care? whats the point in making me feel horrible for no good reason..so yesterday i spent most of my time trying to talk myself out of agreeing to go home when i didnt want to and i still feel guilty about it..more so because i was specifically asked for and i dont want to put up with mommy...it sucks that she gets in the way of me going home..but the more i tried to be ok with not going home because i didnt want to the more i worried i was being a bad person for not wanting to go in the first palce..i just cant get over the fact that i dont want to go home, home is home and i should want to go there and be ther ebut i dont..going home and knowing im going home or that i have to go home just makes me scared and suicidal..not a good combination with tons of heavy meds around the house from mommies surgeries...to much of a temptation...i dont even know why i cant let myself be ok with not going home, even yvonne says she wouldnt go home if she didnt want to and that is just so far fetched for me it doesnt make sense at all...it just confuses me and i still up being the bad person?! i dont get it..besides that bothering me im stressed out over my interview tomorrow and its to the point where just thinking about it and knowing i have to do it makes me want to cry and not show up...i talked to prof dunn yesterday for a little while and she tried to make me feel better about it but she didnt not really..everyone says relax and be myself and i just want to yell because i dont know how to be myself..relaxing comes and goes depending on how far i want to go to get relaxed...i dont want to cut and i tried to today but it didnt work out and i stopped and it bothered me a little because i really really wanted to and what i did just didnt work because what i was using was dull and wouldnt do anything for me...so i stopped but now i havent been paying attention in any of my classes my thoughts are so far away...i keep thinking of the worst thing that could happen and its hard explaining to anyway that i am really afraid to be told i wont be able to do my field at all because they think im not ready for it...but then that just makes me wonder why they would decide that and why i dont want it to happen..the first and foremost being i would have to turn around and tell mommy im really not graduating on time and the reasons behind it..i dont know what would happen but it wouldnt be good and once again i would tbe the screw up awho cant do anything right and then i really wouldnt know what to do..funny i dont think about all the good things that could happen..im just to convinced it will be horrible and i dont even think ive ever done a real interview..im afraid to stay home by myself tomorrow...i dont want to leave early but for safeties sake i might have to...i wont relax at home and being home by myself would leave me way to accesible to things i am working at not doing...i havent decicded yet..i dont know what i will do but ill have to figure it all out between now and 1 tomorrow...i just dont want to think anymore..i want to just go to bed and not get up again

thinking.. i need a hobby

lots of thinking lately..and thats saying a heck of a lot because im always thinking about something..its like my day isnt complete if i dont completely tear apart some issue and figure out nothing..stupid i guess but hmm yea i spend a lot of time thinking about e verything possible..lately its all about stuff i half talk about with my doc...it is funny that well i cant get away with much with her..not that im really trying to its just a habit..but i learned a long time ago she has no problem just sitting there if i dont want to say anything...i dont like having to start talking but im getting a little better at it, very very slowly and i jump topics really fast...my mind just wonders all over the place when im there some of it relevant and some of it not but focusing becomes a huge hassle when im way off in left field thinking about something that doesnt even make sense...but anyway i thnk i do it when im writing too lol..so ive been thinking about acceptance well still thinking about it because i havent figured it all out yet...i wont stop until i figure it out..and i just dont think i like want im thinking of..first off i dont even know how i know if im accepting emotions since that seesm to be the starting place...like yesterday i was incredibly sad and feeling alone and i know that and i dont think i did anything to ignore them but i dont know if i accepted them either? but after i somehow learn to do all of that then what comes next? the more ithink about it the more i am positive i havent even started accepting any of the things i do..im still get to much guilt/shame from doing them in the first place and i dont want to accept them...accepting them would mean i know why i do it and some days i do nknow but thats like i dont want to know why i do it..and that would be a great example of not accepting stuff but its hard..i know that at somepoint i would make a complete circle and have to go back to the beginning but i didnt think it would be now...somewhere in my head im telling myself its time to finish growing up..its just hard trying to explain how i stopped in the first place..its just something i know i did, not exactly sure how or why but it just happened..like the other night i got the innocence chat from alexis and it was because i had talked to riley on the phone and he was asking about alexis becasue she was here but he didnt know her and i was talking to him but you could her and yvonne in the background and riley wanted to know who was the youongest and sometimes i do forget alexis actually is the youngest out of all three of us just like it would be hard to believe im the oldest...by yvonnes standards i am the youngest in the house..literally speaking and not age wise but i really am..but we got on who corrupted who and it got around to the fact that i still have this innocence about me..some call it innocence i just call it being extremly naive...there really is a huge part of me that is stuck in kid mode and it just comes out in little ways like i dont talk about sex at all..yvonne has me cover my ears if im in the room when she is talking about it...and it would just be as simple as m esaying no but i seriosuly dont want to hear what she is talking about...my dating status has come up only once in the whole year i have lived with yvonne and that was a few weeks ago and even then it lasted like 5 mins ..i said i didnt like anyone and that was the end of it..but if i am 22 and have never been on a real date what does that say about me? overall i dont care because guys one on one just makes me nervous but im not gonna go out and start dating either..although it does hurt my feelings when i go home and everyone swears i have this secret boyfriend somewhere..i would swear mommy still thinks i will turn up pregnant one day..considering she pretty much called me a slut when i didnt even know exactly what sex was..interestingly enough when i told my doc about the nun thing she didnt laugh and for somereason im thinking that is really important i just dont know why yet..i dont even know what i was expecting but i know that i wouldnt ever really become a nun because right now i would be considered one anyway in the whole not sleeping with one part..im not religious enough to last as a nun..i dont plan on having kids or anything so im not worried about it much but its like kinda hard to explain to anyone else...for somereason with me it never comes up if i have ever slept with anyone at all...and what happened a long time ago im not even sure happened...so anyway i prefer to stay away from everyone and i dont happen to like myself enough to deal with sosmeone else liking me...it makes it to confusing when i am forever trying to tell someone they shouldnt like me when i cant understand why they like me in the first place....anyway yea i am lacking in certain areas i guess..but at the same time having that whole non grown up part of me makes me be able to deal with kids a lot better...i like being with riley and harris even when they are completely getting on my nerves in the end i really do like them...its when we are just sitting there watching a movie and one of them sits in my lap or when harris wakes me up at 5 in the morning to get in the bed with me or when i let them help me cook or play games with them on the computer or board games or knowing that they like the movies i like..but if i suddenly grow up what would happen? come on some nights i have to have a nigghtlight because im afraid to sleep in the dark...not that i sleep much now since i left my bear at home..

wandering off..guess ill finish later on

pieces in the puzzle..

i knew that eventually i would figure it out and just like i have always tried to ignore it i knew what it was...i like to say i live in my own little sheltered world where i cant get hurt and ill be safe from everything..i just never realized how big that world suddenly got and how much of what i see no one else sees at all..my supposedly safe place is just a bunch of lies that have gotten to the point that i cant really seperate them anymore..well without help but thats a while nother story...my reality is a way to protect myself, was a way to protect myself and now i dont know anymore, my reality doesnt make thigns go away it just ignores half of them and makes the other half okay, bad or not its all ok...the point behind all of this? ive been thinking about the whole acceptance thing and i was having trouble figuring out why it was that i wasnt getting it and just refusing to see all of it...i knew if i thought about it long enough i would figure out a but to the whole thing and i did but not in the way i wanted it to be....accepting the emotions would be a start but it will get to the point that i will have to accept all of it..every stupid measly horrible part of my life and who i am..it means i will start growing up, it means i will see everything for what it is, i will begin to realize that a lot of how i am doing things really is hurtful to me not someone else...

wondering

this is one of those times my head is off in its own little world and im just trying to not get way to sad about things...hmm maybe trying not to get anymore sadder than i am...my good thing for the night though i talked to holly and shes out of the hospital! she has to quit school for a while though but im glad she is doing better and im glad shes out now since i was worried...i talked to jenny earlier today to and that always makes me feel better and i was doing ok and then i dont know..now im not..ive been thinking alot about what i talked about today and now i have 50million questions about all of it....im back to worrying about my field placemnt..im worried they will say no and then i dont know what ill do i really dont...cant get my thoughts together..ill write tomorrow

not guilty

im not guilty...im feeling way to calm to even consider being guilty...but i am really ashamed of what i did...and that by its self is enough to make me want to cry but i tried not to..e.verything just turned into one big trigger and i should have stopped watching what i was watching but i didnt and it was like watching mommy on tv..same situation, same thoughts and words..same everything and because im the way i am i managed to turn it all around and scare myself into thinking mommy is just randomly going to turn up one of these days and find out im still cutting and stick me in the hospital...i cant finish my homeowrk, i cant finish anything right now and i dont want to go to class tomorrow either because i dont know what to write about..i dont want to have to sit in class and be out of it...i just i dont know...now i want to talk but i cant...i just cant

fear..

fear is a really sucky thing...

things i should do

ive been lounging around all morning and i really should move it and get ready and go to campus and do anything productive...but i dont want to i would rather juts stay in bed and waste time and do nothing and think myself into having another majorly painful headache...so ill prolly do the between one and get up in a little while since i have to go to campus for a meeting anyway...im just not feeling good..just a crummy low grade i would rather stay in bed than do anything else feeling..maybe it will go away, im hoping it will but if not then i dont know..maybe ill make tea and that will wake me up enough to start doing stuff instead of playing online wasting money..i bought two new books today...bad me but i really want to read them..considering im behind in all my class reading i shouldnt have ordered them but i still wanted them and i would have gotten them eventually so now or then who cares...the cookies and cream and oatmeal raisin luna bars are really really good i think i have new favorites! weird enough yesterday i wasnt hungry and that worried me because i wasnt doing it on purpose..but im ok today i think and i ate breakfast and had to fight getting sick but thats ok to since i just went and layed down until the sick feeling passed enough for me to get up again...there is going to be pizza at the meeting this afternoon...ill be careful though

im tired
i want to go to sleep but im not sleepy enough for that
i have things to do
im such a slackers
essh

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

values?

what are my values? i always think this is one of those questions i should be able to answer without having to think about it for 3 days. now i have to write a paper on it and i cant even figure it out. i have to write about my most important value, the one that rules every other value i have and how it affects me. it bothers me that i dont know...

im such a dork

mulan is on

i love watching mulan

well that and i know the words to the whole movie songs included lol

gotta love disney :)

---

after a few hours

yvonne got me a happy meal :) and chocolate chips so i made cookies..well i was supposed to make cookies but anyway...trying not to think about how much i ate because it was fun

funny how the little things make a day brighter...ok so i need more to do with my time but thats so beside the point here!

jumpy

i had to turn in my application today and its making me really nervous..i dont even hve it anymore and im still worried about it..i might have done something wrong or left something out even though i checked it and rechecked it and everything was there...why i was close to crying this morning i dont know but it was weird..to much stress...just incredibly on edge right now

another day

today has been uneventful..did some cleaning, watched some tv, worked out, ate like i have a bit of sense left...overall not bad..a bit dull but hmm i like ive depressed myself enough to just dull everything out...hence ive been thinking about it im not majorly depressed because that comes and goes and doesnt stay long since i rarely spend my days hiding in bed, i prefer to hide in the house but not in bed it gets boring after a while and i coould so spend my time watching cartoons..so anyway not major but just a low grade kinda thing, its always there but it doesnt get in the way of to many things i do...randomly i was trying to figure out today the last time i cut and i really dont remember..i know i did when i got back becuase that weekend classes started was horrible but then its just like hmm ok im pretty sure ive done it but i have no new scars anywhere..weird i guess but im avg'ing its been a couple weeks at least..possibly when i started finding out b/p had its high points..but anyway not really what i wanted to write about tonight...hmm what did i want to write about any way? i dont know just my usual i have nothing else to do might as well bore myself until i can get my head to quiet down...so...the weather is getting gross again, cold and rainy and just the general stay in the house and waste all day weather..i have to finish stuff for my application tomorrow..i might work on my resume a bit tonight while i watch strong medicine..ill catch up on the readings and things ive put off tomorrow too and hmmm i guess i should have been a bit more productive this weekend but not having to watch the puppy doesnt happen often and i liked the peace and quiet of it...i finished the book i was reading last night and it took three days but darnit i shouldnt have raed it so fast..the last book in the series is still kindof expensive and i dont want to buy it yet...and now im just about dying to know what will happen next..ugh..i wonder if its in our library on campus...worth looking into lol..i have to start figuring out an outfit for my interview stuff..i need some new black pants...actually i think i might need a whole new outfit..i feel like shopping anyway...but after i spent way to m uch money last week im laying low on buying anything else for now..ill wait and see what i can pull up..essh i dont want to even consider having to wear a skirt..major no..and i hate dressing up..but guess ill be practicing my walking in boots again...and now im off to waste more time and im going to wash my hair..adios

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr

not understanding...

me and my quest for answers is just gonna get me in trouble...ive wasted today more than i have any other day this week..ive dont nothing remotly productive except hang up all the clothes i had lying around my room..and then i just wasted time..wanting to do something but not knowing what..i made bread..i cant believe i was bored enough to make bread but pounding on bread dough has its appealing points to it..kinda fun to but it turned out a lot better this time than it did the first time..i mixed white and wheat flour and left out some of the salt..so yea much better..maybe im not such a screw up..i talked to jenny earlier to and she does always make me feel better...hence she has bunches of pictures that she sends me to make me smile...so that lifted my depression for a while but now its back...when i woke up this morning feeling so sore i promised i wouldnt pujrge..i did everything rigght and i didnt for most of the day..and then i made dinner because i considered i prolly needed to get like a normal person and so i cooked something and cal wise it wasnt bad at all but as i was just standing there looking for something to drink i knew i was going to go throw up...i did but thats not what bothers me because its like ive thought about it enough between then and now and its like an acceptance on my part in a weird way...maybe i need to accept it to let go of some of the guilt and shame of doing it..or maybe its just a way to convince myself that what im doing is ok...either way there is something wrong with all of it...still thats not even what i was thinkingabout when i started writing...ramdonly looking through my older posts on here i realize that im horrible at going back and editting this thing and i have tons of mistakes and misspelled words all over the place...im a slacker and should be killed but anyway..to bad since i dont really care about my spelling..i know what im talking about and i guess that will have to be enough for now..ive gotten better at typing without looking at the keys..a hard won feat at that good grief..and im so off topic ..uummmm *deep breath* i was talking it over with someone today kind of and i said that when yvonne isnt here for a weekend i can wear shorts and that i dont wear shorts anymore because of the scars on my legs...and she asked if it was because i had a problem with them or if i was worried about the reaction..and ive thought about it before but having someone ask me is like being slapped in the face with the obvious..but still i had to stop and think..im still thinking..am i ashamed of my scars? well yea if i make it a point to wear pants and my jacket as much as humanly possible but im afraid of how other people would see me also..i mean its not like they are easy to explain away..and i could say the cat did it like mommy did over new years when i was asked about them but i love dusti and i know she didnt do it and i know that if someone believed she did they would question why i even keep her if she is hurting me right...so i wouldnt do that and they are to straight and to neat to make anyone belive any other excuse i could come up with...but then its harder to imagine them believing the truth..mommy doesnt even believe the truth..talk about being validated..i might do some stupid things but i would be hard pressed to just sit there and let someone cut me more than once....who would believe that i did it? really..me the person who can be so quiet at any given time that i could essentially disappear..the person who never has anything bad or mean to say about anyone...heck yvonne knows exactly what to say to make me so embarrased i dont know what to do with myself and its funny but in a horribly sad way...not that im saying i want to go out and sleep with someone no..but just that ive lived with yvonne for a year now and only once has my dating status come up and that was a couple weeks ago...i never talk about it because its no big deal and no one asks me about it i guess because i dont bring it up but that is so not anything i want to talk about anyway because i dont know but thats for another night or something...anyway yea somehow i have pulled this completely innocent image from somewhere and i dont even know how i got it...given i am seriously lacking in social skills for my age and i know that but good grief you would think i was 10 at times..hmmm so how could i do that to myself? more importantly how could i explain doing that to myself? im pretty sure no one would understand the huge need to punish myself for things i dont even remember doing but i must have done something to feel that need..or that i just dont happen to like myself and i have to be reminded all the time about how much i suck...so much for self image there...there are just so many parts to it..some im aware of and some im not but i guess that doesnt make sense either...so to make a long story short, i like wearing shorts and knowing the reasons why i cant does make me sad and makes me feel incredibly alone but at the same time i know my scars have become a part of me...a comfort of sorts..true sometimes i dont like them and can harldy believe i did all of them but at the same time i know what it took to do all of them in vauge far off details...im being cryptic tonight....now for the other part i guess the question came up today about the choices that come with ed's since i loathe to say it...*choke hack blah blah blah* being bulimic has a lot of down points..leading to health problems etc etc...most of which i know and fully understand but when it comes right down to it..what would my choice be? when i read the question i had every intention of telling her that it would be ok because i wanted to make her feel better...but thinking about it i know that it cant be ok..not when we are playing with serious stuff here...not like this..as much as i want to say ill take the health problems and keep the ed but i know somewhere in myself that i dont really want that..i cant want that ..can i? that would be so so wrong to me but then i guard my ed like its sacred...like somehow i can find a way to make it ok as long as im careful and as long as i keep very strict control over it...as long as no one finds out about it then its ok..because if no one knows then i dont have to admit any of it..i can still eat normally and be ok...its just lately i think that control is starting to slip..its becoming a really big obession in a way ive never had to ddeal with and im not sure i know what made it change..suddenly i have to do it, suddenly there is no choice its do it or suffer and die..some how i made myself realize its not a game anymore..but then i have to wonder if im ready to die? and when i think of that i have to think of everything i want to do..but i cant look for the future when i hate the present so much..i dont know what will happen and as much as i want to know i cant figure it out...right now i want to graduate but after that who knows..maybe by then things will change and ill have something to look forward to but for now its the day to day thing...as long as i wake up in the morning wthout wishing for death ill be ok enough to make it through the day..not that it matters much since i spend most of my days alone..just htinking about everything, looking for answers that i cant find anywhere...asking questions that no one can answer..its not enough..it shouldnt have to be like this but it is..so what am i to do now? want until its serious enough to get me in a heck of a lot of trouble or stop...stop all of it and go from there...but thinking about seriously stopping makes me sad..its makes me want to just run from all of it and forget everything...that would could as not being in reality anymore and where would that get me? more lost than i am now and way more confused..i cant stop...i cant stop without knowing what will happen and no one can tell me..and i dont like that..thats like putting myself in a situation im not sure i can get out of and who knows maybe then i would find the strength to somehow make it all go away but that wouldnt be good...yea sure me yvonne and alexis joke about going to hell all the time and its funny but sometimes i could swear i will end up going to hell for something or other but that is where i will be..the confusing part being im not a really religious person..im not sure i believe in god at all but i believe in heaven and hell..i have to for my sisters sake so that i have just a little bit of peace knowing that she isnt lost somewhere and hurting..but anyway im jumping topics now ..

i spelt last night...yes it was a nice drug induced sleep but nonetheless i spelt all night...no dreams, no thinking just a dead empty sleep until morning...i know i cant do it often because me and addictive things dont need to get to friendly but until i get my bear back im not surei have much of a choice...weird i guess ...

not good i dont think....not good at all

you would really really seriously think i would learn my lesson...i swear my body hates me these days and does things just because it knows i hate the sick/queasy feeling..i wonder if i could be kicked out of my body..where would i go? what would happen to me? ok so back to the land of sucky reality...every time now every time i go and b/p its like my stomach just kicks me in the butt and makes me sicker than i was to begin with...to the point of just sitting still and not moving because i dont want to throw up again..just a huge general i dont feel good i want to go stay in bed for the rest of my life kinda sick...and it will last until tomorrow some time...hopefully not that long since it came on me so fast this time :( close to crying just because im hurting so much physically and it sucks and i told yvonne today that i had a stomach bug or something just incase i do something stupid like barf on the floor without warning...but anyway..im a wimp for complaining..ill just deal with it and get over it and swear once again to never do it again...hopefully...i dont like the sick feeling and i dont know how to even explina why it happens except my body is starting to not like what im doing to it...its getting back at me like that makes any sense at all..so my day..hmm i saw my advisor today because he had to sign my application and i told him about the whole chancellors list thing and i was so embarrased he just heaped on the compliments and i was like good grief what am i supposed to say and he is going to tell prof dunn and dr bass..i said it was ok since i would have gotten around to telling them soon enough but oh well they will know now...i guess its a bigger deal than i thought it was...i dont know i dont care and i just hate that ive made it so it will be expected of me now...ive made the standards so much higher now..i know better than to even think of failing now...now i have to get a step away from being this super person ...that would be my fault..funny how so many things are my fault..i dont even know why i do half the things i do..i want my bear back..i cant sleep without her so ive learned..shes all alone with mommy..its a stupid bear and you would think i had lost a kid..all the same shes my bear and she is a really special one and i want her back..i cant sleep without the help of meds these days...gotta love the meds with sleeping junk in them..anyway im drifting big time now..maybe seriously drifting isnt such a bad idea..it might get my mind off of things...except lately my thoughts just go to the same place...bad bad bad

stupid

i dont know whats wrong with me..

another week

for it to just be tuesday im ready for the week to be over with...i would rather just sleep for the rest of the week and not worry about anything..i woke up early this morning with the intention of getting up but that didnt happen and i just stayed in bed and thought about everything enough to make my headache worse...i wonder how much a person really can sleep? bet it wouldnt be for 4 days thats for sure and its not even like i have anything great to do this weekend either because im the dullest person alive but any way...im working on being really late for class and its gonna be a long long day

painful

today is just one of those days i would rather disappeared from my memory, maybe that is why so much of my head is mixing with things from long ago, i just wished it hard enough and they all went away..probably not possible and all but a nice thought..if it was that easy hmm i dont know i guess if it was that easy to make them go away it would be just as easy to make them come back and thats all the trouble, making them come back...that little spill wasnt even the main thing that was on my mind anyway...society has its views and i should know better than to get trapped in them, good grief i should..im gonna be a social worker for hecks sake and im just a hypocrite..given enough time i can make every last thing i do ok and if i have to rationalize it in the first place i shouldnt do it at all...maybe thats my problem i keep trying to make everything ok because im supposed to because i know on some level it is wrong and a bit dangerous but i havent gotten to believing it yet...so i sit here trying to collect my thoughts while at the same time trying to get my stomcah to not be so mad at me anymore..once again after spending yesterday sleeping because i was feeling so sick i couldnt do anything else to make it go away you would think i would realize that purging in itself isnt great but i ignore that and forget once it stops hurting and i can sit up with feeling like im going to just throw up all over everything...im purging to much again and i know that and im slightly worried i dont care enough right now to bother stopping...eventually i will again but until that happens what then? will i keep it up until it hurts to breathe again or until im worried that throwing up will become automatic and it wont matter if i eat or not because it would just come back up...one for the other i guess..always one for the other..

anyway before all that happened again and i had to start thinking about it again ..i found out another friend is possibly heading for the hospital...one of two reasons for her trip to the er and i know both of them and that does not make me feel better...in a way she had warned me it might be happening and i was scared for her..even more than what i was dealing with i was scared for her..but i know that maybe that is what she needs to start working on things...i tell her to go if it will help but she doesnt have much choice in the matter ... and i was thinking about it today and i wonder when it will be me telling someone i have to go to the hospital? when am i going to let things go so far that i will have to be in the hospital to begin working things out...thats why i asked my doc about it..and she wont put me in the hospital as a reason to get me to stop cutting and i know that if i wanted to i would find a way regardless but still..i asked for my friend because i didnt think it was fair what her doctors were doing but who am i? im losing people to hospitals left and right and that does scare me seriously it scares me almost more than anything thing i do...the places i go to online and the people i meet and every so often i get to know someone who ends up in the hospital or someone dies or someone just disappears...and when that happens i swear i hope they get better and find happiness but when someone dies from an ed or tries suicide and it works or even doesnt work its like why...but i know why and that makes it hurt more because when someone is feeling like that or even when i am the last thing i want to think about is what will happen afterwards, what will happen and what the people i leave behind will go through because at the moment i dont care...i dont want to care because that might make me stop and not do it...if im writing this obviously i havent done it but still point made i guess...but with the ed and si boards i know that every day there is a chance i will find out someone ahs died and what happens then? why isnt that enough to make me stop or at least realize i should work hard to stop and to be healthy and as complete as i can get...but it doesnt happen, its like we all know that we are staring death in the face and yet for some rason it doesnt come after us...we can get by long enough that it doesnt matter..in a way we are all dying, one way or another we are but taking ourselves into making it ok is just another lie..the other day i was told that living outside of reality is just another lie we tell ourselves to get by...gosh i would hope that no one i ever met either in person or on line wouold ever just go away for one reason or another but it has happened..one to many times and ive lost people that i wont ever hear from again, remembering all they helped me deal with isnt enough becuase when they really needed me i wasnt anywhere to be found....for that alone i shouldnt pledge my life to help anyone else when i suck so horribly at it...the times i tried dont really matter do they? when i find out someone is in the hospital..the someone i talked to possibly the night before and who i told over and over to go to the hospital if they needed toom or the person who has talked me into calling my doc more than once when i couldnt decide if i wanted to make the call because i was so scared and lost somewhere in my head...and somehow against everything i wanted to do i managed and they didnt and now im left with no real idea what happened to her...no i havent forgotten her and i still miss her but i also know i will prolly never see her again...and now it will happen again..what will i do

tell me

after started writing earlier and then stopped because i couldnt find the words to say what i was thinking about and now i sstill dont know them but i have the huge urge to just write and leave it alone...if i yelled at myself for the rest of myself i dont think i would ever be completely comfortable having and dealing with my emotions...i dont like them i dont want them i dont want to feel them at all and i try hard ignore all of them... but that all has to change if i like it or not that has to change...good grief im 22 and i couldnt even begin to explain how i feel anything and that is not good...it cant be...but does that count stopping as my little conveyor belt of emotions...i heard that today and it is funny but not in a bad way since it makes sense...but anyway im not sure i know anyway..i dont know what im blocking out anymore...i hate thinking, because i just think about the same stuipd stuff without getting anywhere, and that makes me wonder why i cant figure myself out...there was a speaker at the nami meeting on thursday and he said that if you dont know who you are then you have a lot of work to do...i dont know who i am? i cant even begin to know how i am and im not really sure i even want to know who i am anymore..why do i have to know? why cant everyone just let me be who i can pretend to be...i dont know why everyone is so dead set on helping me..do i want help or do i just want to do what im supposed to do?before i couldnt even answer that at all but i do know i want to deal with stuff im just not sure i want to stop all of it..good and bad of it works if i ignore the bad long enough but really soon it will stop working and then wehere will i be? more lost than i am now and more alone to prolly...does it make me horrible to know i dont really want to stop? but that changes every other day, bad and good, stop vs not stopping...why do i have to figure all of this out? but thinking of that would just lead me right back to my ever so wonderful doc and as weird as it is...i can figure out things at the oddest times that have no relevenance what so ever to what we are talking about and suddenly its like oh wow i do know what that means..she makes me think about stuff i try to ignore and some of it happens like days later after ive thought it into another time period...and i know what it will take to figure out why i want to stop and i havent gotten there yet, right now i still have the comfort of knowing i would never ever seriously kill myself..but once that changes i know i know that it will be choose or die..and as good and nice and convient as that idea seems at times..it cant happen...if nothing else dusti needs me...im the only one who will take care of her...dusti is the only one to share my bed affter harris...weird i guess but im not big on sharing beds...anyway im rambling and losing my train of thought completely...oh now i remember...i asked about shame and guilt today and i still havent gotten an answer i like...i dont know why and i dont even know what answer im looking for but i just know i havent heard it yet...but oh well guess ill keep looking and now im done for now anyway

“Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster.”

ive besided that change is not the greatest thing ive ever had to consider doing....so much to think about and decide on...

sleepy

i just woke up and im ready to go back to bed, i just want to sleep all i want to do lately is sleep...in a little bit i will actually get out of bed so i can get some things done like the laundry thats been siting on my floor since saturday..i have to go to campus later and i have to call the career place so i can get some help on my resume etc etc...will be a busy day kinda i think. maybe ill go to a movie tonight depending on the time since im not going to campus until later on when its not so crowded and then i can use the computer lab for a while :). classes are ok i guess policy is just going to be hard and i think i should be ok in bio as long as i do the work and keep up with the reading and never miss class! already im thinking of how much i dont want to take bio and im trying to get that out of my head because then ill start skipping class and i cant fail the class...sooo im keeping bio and the health class and ill just have to make sure i have a ride on tuesday nights or else ill have to walk back to campus i dont know yet. i wish the class wasnt way over at minges. but other than that the class was great and for it to be so late i actually paid attention and took notes and everything. i think now i have some ideas for my child in the communities project. but ill have to think on it somemore. i like having an internet class but im goin to have to be really careful about making sure i dont miss any of the due dates for things. i check blackboard almost every day but i might still miss something. hmmm oh yea goal for the week is drinking more water...i dont know who came up with the 8 glasses a day but good grief that is a heck of a lot of water to drink in one day..i dont drink 8 glasses of anything in one day! so im working on it...very very very slowly

fun but thats after the fact

backtracking....friday was a horrible day, fin aid came in and things didnt go as expected so mommy is pissed to hell with me in a sense and spent an hour yelling at me on the phone and trying to tell me what to do to make sure she got what i promised to give her..that was the main thing..and nothing else matered but it didnt work out like that and so now tomorrow i have to go pull more money out and go to the bank and put it in and i swear if my acct gets over drawn because she cant wait one stupid day ill just scream or something...its stupid i was telling yvonne how i had to give my fin aid to mommy and she and alexis were just like 'why?' and of course i couldnt really answer because i dont know..because its just expected of me and she makes it impossible for me to say no and not feel like walking into traffic..so she gets it regardless...some of it she swears to pay back but most of it is just gone and i hate that because im worried it will go back to like it was last semester and if i have to listen to her complain and make it all one sided about how she has given me so much money...when its her fault she had to give it to me..she borrows and borrows and makes promises she doesnt keep and then im stuck without a way to get anything paid and then seh wants to complain and make me feel bad because she doesnt have money..well its not my fault regardless of what i do with my money it isnt and right now i can understand that but whos to say an hour from now i wont be thinking about it and blaming that whole freaking argument on something i did or something i could have done and just made the whole thing a lot worse than it was..but that was a really bad argument and for a while i was feeling really bad and not caring and hmmm oh well..jenny tried hard to make me see how it wasnt my fault and ill thank her for that but maybe im just to good at blaming myself...i dont know ...so anyway didnt mean to write all that...but back to it then..i really wanted to cut yesterday, why i dont know or remember now b ut i did and i purged instead and didnt cut but hmm just to many arguments lately with me ending up wrong and stupid...

so

today has been fun and i had forgotten how much i liked hanging out with yvonne. although i am still feeling jealous over the boyfriend thing but im trying not to be...this morning i had a weird cleaning streak and i was nervous and feeling weird but i dont know why you would have thought mommy waas coming up today and i knew she wasnt. so i cleaned this morning and i didnt even start laundry like i planned to but ill get that done sometime this week. yvonnes mom and grandmother came up today though and when her mom comes it is always fun. her grandmother is like my mom though kinda and she does put a dmaper on things but oh well i got through it. we went shopping and out to dinner and i got to pick the resturant and so we went to ruby tuesdays because they have really good veggie burgers and of course yvonne and i got dessert first :) that is really so much fun and that is why my dinner is sitting in the fridge right now lol. but getting dessert first really makes going out to dinner so much fun and it was this huge cake and ice cream and mousse and cookie deal and it was chocolate and it was so so so good..it was the first time i had one of those and sharing it with yvonne worked out so i didnt like eat this huge death by chocolate thing by myself. and we went to the toe store and yvonne made me stop breathing doing parts of movies i like and i made her stop breathing when we played marry, date, or dump when we got home :) it is fun still managing to surprise her and at the oddest times but i won the game by one point. yay me. purged yesterday though and then turned around and ate way to much. we made a heart shaped brownie yesterday and i got yvonne hooked on a new song that i liked first and its a country song but the guy who sings it is from louisiana and yvonne has family there and she recongized a lot more than i did in the video and so now ive heard the song a million times but its ok..my extremly weird and wide tastes in music do pay off at times. but i did order my books last night and im trying not to start slacking off so early with classes lol..i prolly wont have any books until the end of this week but that will be ok im hoping. since im going to campus tomorrow with yvonne i have to get to bed but just wanted to write some since my head has a tendency to fill up rather easily!

thinking

as usual after my wonderful doc days i have fifty million thoughts in my head...some make sense but most of them are just random things like reminding myself i have to do laundry and things like that...right now the thing that is bothering me most is that i dont want to give up cutting completely and im pretty sure promising to stop every other self destructive thing wouldnt matter...i hate that this is one of those things that i have to decide on by myself and no one can help with..once i decide then there is help but until then there isnt much anyone can do for me. i can safely say i dont like that at all why do i get stuck with all the hard decisions all the same i wait until after i leave to come up with goals but that is ok ill tell her the next time i go back...the good part of today is that i tried really really hard to talk and i did even if i think i sound like such a dork talking period..and i even managed to explain a dream that i thought was weird but wasnt really in some interesting higher i have to look at it from a completely different point of view to understand it way lol..given after it was explained and everything i did understand it alot better but i cant believe one little dream has that much meaning! but then when things come to me i shouldnt be surprised anymore thats for sure...now i understand at least that i wont be able to fix anything if i dont start dealing with all the old stuff, all the stupid little things i have forgotten that i need to remember and admit. no matter how hard i try to forget it will always be there demanding to be noticed. its like i have to resign myself to it in order to even being to face any of it. maybe once i do all of that i will be able to stop the s/i but for now ill work on the little things like remembering to take care of myself on a daily basis...eat on reg basis, stop taking meds for the heck of taking them and tthen not taking them when i should so on and so forth. if i thought about all the little things i dont do it would add up to equal one big thing i guess...but still with all of that comes talking and that just scares me way to much to even try to dwell on right now.. i dont know the dream thing is just so interesting and right now im so annoyed at my head for even thinking up the other two ...the one i talked about today was common ground but talking about it seriously made me want to know what the other two ment..i dont want to talk about the other two because they still scare me and i dont understand them and that worries me...maybe ill write it down and let her read it but ill have to think something up by next week.

now that im done with the depressing stuff for the day ill move on

im going out iwth alexis and yvonne again today and we are going to the movies to see narnia and that i cant wait for. i love that movie so so so much hence ive seen it 3 times...i ate lunch but i really want popcorn lol..i think omvie theatre popcorn is one of my fav foods. seriously.. classes start tomorrow for the school but i dont have anything to do until tuesday and then ill be so busy i wont know what to do with myself..until today i didnt realize i havent done anything for myself about my grades and maybe i should..maybe ill buy myself a new movie or something today when we go out..but anyway just errrands to run tomorrow i think and checking on things for my internet class and cleaning up my junk laying all over the place..nothing to thrilling to tell

odd...

ive always heard the you can laugh so much you start crying line and i never really thought it was possible until tonight. just randomly in ihop i passed the point of laughing and was beginning to cry and how i got theere im not sure i know because we were just talking about the music selection...i had been laughing a lot but that is to be expected when im with yvonne and alexis for long periods of time and we had been quite a few places before ending up in ihop at 2 in the morning..but i dont know i had no reason to cry i just couldnt stop it in a way and me being me got up and went to the bathroom before i seriously started crying because i wouldnt be able to explin why in the first place...its just making me feel weird..we were at the hospital earlier tonight because alexis wasnt feeling right off heartbeats and we went just to make susre she was ok and im glad we went but hospitals just really creep me out and the little while i was actually sitting by myself i was so nervous and scared and its not like anything could have happened but all the same i was worried something would happen, i was close to believing someone was going to just jump out and grab me i was so nervous...and the fact that there are now cops and things and my bag was checked and i have a razor in my bag that i didnt really want found..its on my keychain and its like a letter opener but it works all the same for what i use it for and its not for opening letters...so anyway the whole night has just been interesting i guess..sad i ended up cutting but it was either cut or not be able to sit still all night..cutting won out and it just sucks at how well it works at calming my nerves :(

update

i can safely say i will never ever ever ever in a million years take a drive that long anywhere! good grief my butt is like one huge bruise and now just sitting in the car makes me hurt :miss no thanks! gosh over 24 hours sitting down on the way back and nothing to look at and nothing to do just drove me crazy so many complaints from my mom and uncle and with my brothe rand sister sleeping so much iwas just left to stare out the window and try to sstay comfortable but with the three of us i nthe back seat there wasnt much room anywhere!

being home just got worse after the last time i wrote and i ended up cutting more than once and i seriously considering calling my doc because i couldnt go see her conisdering i was at home and thats a 2 hour drive away and i dont drive...so now im trying hard to get back on track with everything..im back at school and trying to get back in the swing of things and being back on a s chedule...its the new year and its so hard to believe it is 2006..i mean yea im glad its not 2005 anymore but i just hope 2006 leaves me with a better outlook on life..right now things arent looking to bright at all and i dont know..just being home and around my mom just kills what little self confidence i manage to scrape up..and it just makes me feel wrong and stupid and everything...after listening to how selfish and mean i am for so long i forget everything else, i cant believe what anyone else says about me in a good way when its my mom who is constantly on me about how screwed up i am! its just not fair and i dont know what to do to change it..i mean my doc is always asking me if i want independence from my mom and its just so hard explaining why i have to go home and why i cant just not go home...i cant figure it out, i want to be left alone but in a weird way i need her approval and acceptance but i dont know if ill love long enough to get it you know...guess im just being a bit depressive tonight lol..im really in an ok mood though, been watching movies and pigging ouy with my roommate today and right now i dont care...once we get my elliptical up and in order ill figure out some diet to go on and stick to i guess :eek so much to once again work my way through