i dont know

feeling really alone all of a sudden..sad and alone..alone and lonely..just alone and unnoticed..but thats not completely true either i guess..prof dunn took me out for ice cream and it was so great..because coldstone is the greatest place on earth and i didnt have to pay..but just talking to her was nice too..talked about random stuff and ended on my lack of winter clothes for moving..i like my sweatshirts and for some reason im thinking that wont be enough for sc..although ive been looking for excuses to wear long sleeves year around for forever..so ill figure it out..she got me a new journal and now i have another one to add to my collection..i have a bunch of journals in various notebooks and two online..i think i should have run out of words by now..but i dont think that will ever happen because im always thinking..im always talking to myself either outloud or in my head..im forever figuring out some problem that needs to be fixed and i cant figure out..and with all the stuff i think about i also think i should have driven myself crazy by now..but i havent so i guess im dealing with it as much as i can..i just write all of my crazyness down and then never read it again..maybe its a waste of time writing so much..if there is no purpose for it..after i leave will i still keep this one..this has been my completely safe place for writing everything that doesnt make sense..and even here sometimes it is hard writing what i think about but eventually it all comes out..and i like that no oone can read it without having the link to it..no reason to give it out and no one can find it if i dont want them too..so it is safe in a way..ive stopped expecting the anxiousness to come back and i really hope it doesnt because it made everything so hard..but without it i worry that ive somehow completely cracked up and i just dont know it..maybe ive gotten so good at hiding that i cant even tell if im having a break down anymore..but because im still getting sad i guess im not having a break down..seriously though i can not keepe going to bed at 7...i want to go to bed because because i dont want to have to deal with anything and i worry that if i keep sitting here just half watching tv then ill cry..or start being stupid..and i dont want to really do any of that stuff..mommy is starting to pester me about having something to wear to graduation and i have to go shopping tomorrow to find something to wear..i only know what im wearing on thursday and thats all..i dont know about friday or saturday yet..but becausae i keep being asked im starting to get scared about it..a lot of thoughts are going around in my head but its just keeping me thinking about stuff i dont want to think about..i dont want to be a baby and cry over nothing..now i know that next week will be my last therapy appt until i get a new one..and just knowing it will be left up to me makes me want to hold off and not rush..and yea i was so expecting to hear that but hearing it sucked so much..i was really starting to make myself believe i could make it without therapy and that could have worked if i didnt get so suicidal at times...i would have gone back eventually but how well would i have been doing then? i dont know..so now im working on time frames and i mean giving myself a month or so just to get used to being there and finding and moving into an apartment and figuring out when ill be off and actually get paid a couple times will help in deciding when i go..now im worriedabout how to find a therapist..how to go about setting something up..all this other stuff i never had to do...but being on my own means ill have to stop letting other ppl decide stuff for me..stop making decisions for me..even if it takes me like 3 months ill decide on something..im just not comfortable at all starting over..i dont want to..i dont want to think about starting over and talking to a new person..who wants to deal with me when i dont want to talk? what will i talk about without school as a backup subject because i sucked so bad at it..what will i do with myself because i dont know and i keep thinking how nice it would be if someone could just tell me what to do and when and how to do it..but i keep pushing that thought away because im sick of other ppl telling me what to do..its not fair and im old enough to make decisions by myself right? and i say that without really believing it..i just say it because i think it and i want it but i dont really know how to get it..if i made a list of pros and cons of staying in therapy im pretty sure the pros would out weigh the cons even if i downplayed every stupid little thing..its just weird..i have to make myself get used to so much stuff so fast..well just deal with it persay..i dont have to like it..i have to remember that..i just have to do it, accept it, live with it..but i can hate all of it..and i think i might just keep hating it to myself and tell everyone else im jtus thrilled to be moving and having a job because its the right thing to do and thats what everyone wants to hear..why would anyone want to know that im scared about moving ..not because i wont be near family but because i dont want to be a new place completely alone...same reason i say no one would care to know im suicidal..its not important and ive i dont have a plan i dont need anyone worrying or being mad at me..i dont really talk to anyone about the depression or being suicidal or the cutting..not even when i cant eeven trust myself to be safe alone for a day i dont say anything because i dont want to bother anyone..i dont want them to be mad at me ..or disappointed in me..asking for help is not something i do easily or often at all and even when i have to i try hard to find a way out of it..i dont want anyone to worry about ,e..i want everyone to think im fine and dont have any problems and that way i wont be noticed..no one will care..and even writing all of this i know some of it is complete lies because i say i dont care but i do...a lot of the time when i come home and yvonne is here and then leaves to go and do something i just want to ask her to stay because i dont want to be alone or i just want the company.. and then i wonder what in the world gives me the right to demand her time when she has other stuff to do that im not included in..its not fair that im being selfish because im just stupid and cant handle anything..so i just watch her walk out the door and feel incredibly invisible because it feels like im not a part of her life anymore..this semester since we are both going in different directions i never see her..she is always at home on the weekends now and im here...she has her boyfriend so what in the world makes it more fun to just hang out in the apartment with me not doing anything?so i dont ask and i manage most of the time..and then i just get upset and bothered when she comes back and expects me to just drop everyhting im doing to do something with her..its not fair that i start being just distant i guess because im mad at her and wont tell her...dont even have areal reason to be mad at her in the first place..and after she tells me that im always so controlled and pulled together why would she want to know if im having a bad day or struggling to stay safe..she would stay in gville then but it would just be to keep an eye on me and i dont want that either..same reason i refuse to tell mommy anything..she found out about the cutting and threatened to put me in the hospital..if she knew i s till cut i would be in the hospital...nia tells her shes suicidal and she does go in the hospital but i know it wasnt done as a threat.she went to nias school and got her and took her home and to her reg doc..then she was referred to the hospital..its not fair..and so i juts get stuck with being the one who can handle anything without freaking out about it..and i just want to scream sometimes that just because you dont see it doesnt mean it doesnt happen..freaking out for me is adaily thing..who wants to cry because they cant anything to wear? when i have closets of clothes i never wear i cant find anything..it makes me feel i dont know..i just cant figure out what i want...i know what is expected of me..i know who i should be and what i should be doing but im not really sure its what i want..parts of me knows what im doing now..graduating and moving are the right things to do but other parts of me wonders if it is to soon..and if i should have waited and tried harder to find a place closer...and stayed in therapy here and kept this apartment..but being this close to mommy does nothing but keep me suicidal and i know that..i hate that..at least when i was up in asheville i couldnt be reached on a daily basis..i talked to her once a week or once every two weeks and that was ok..still got under my skin but not the same way..i wasnt two hours away anymore..i couldnt just pick up and come home ..i wasnt within reach anymore..and i wasnt around any of the things that bother me so much..and its hard to explain what bothers me really..because i know i loved it at the camp..bugs and all i loved it..and it was hiking when i had all the time to think and figure stuff out..but i kept going back to being completely out of my comfort zone and feeling so free i guess...i was away from everything i hated but i was also away from everything i was used too..i was okay there..really okay most of the time and not that i spilled my guts to them but i was able to talk and have fun and be heard..it just worked..somehow it just worked..so yea going back is really the best thing and i know that but i still worry and doubt myself..cant help it..