stupid

trying hard not to cut...not currently at home..came to campus because i didnt want to be at home anymore with yvonne there because i was mad at her for being mad at me..its ujst one of those incredibly stupid things i guess..i told her today i would most likely be out of the apartment by the end of jan...she got pissed off because i had said i would be there until jan..and ok i did say i would possibly be there but nothing was definite yet because i hadnt talked to mommy..i havent seen her to even tell her anything thats going on and so now shes mad that she has to pack and everything and i told her last week about the 30 day notice..she knew that..i still havent bothered mentioning that i have until the 7th but with mommy so intent on me having a new place by the 1st its a waste of time bringing it up..so i left because i was getting upset about everything..im still upset about everything and being on campus doesnt really stop me from wanting to cut..it just gives me something to do for a while..i dont want to do anything but i just keep thinking about how much i want to hurt and how much it would suck to have to go to the health center today because ive killed my arms..i want to really cut my lower arms and being on youtube this morning really didnt help me at all..because youtube is like this huge make a video of what ever in the heck you want to and you can stream it on your page..yea well there are bunches of videos on cutting that i just kinda fell into this morning and watched some of them..and it was really hard looking at them because i see my scars every stupid day and i know how they got there..and seeing videos of ppl just like covered with cuts..new and old was like aa huge trigger i guess..stupid of me for watching the ones i did in the first place..stupider for looking them up although not obviously..looked up other stuff i knew would lead to it i guess..ssso my fault for being stupid..got to campus and of course no one is around anymore..didnt want to bother prof dunn because she looked busy..and ii really did think i was going to start hyperventilating if i didnt calm down..ended up in the lab where im at now and played a couple games until i was calmer before i decide what im going to do with the rest of my day..i have things to do i guess but i dont want to do them..i dont really want to be by myself because ive been thinking abuot the valium i have and ive been thinking about it time frames and it takes a good while for it to wear off and i was pretty much useless the first few hours after i took it last time..and i just want to sleep for a while and i could take it tonight and it would wear off before the awards stuff tomorrow night..i have to go shopping and figure out what to do with my hair and of course clean up the apartment...everything is back to being overwhelming in the worst way right now..and i hate myself and wish i would die and all that fun stuff...like some how everything is my fault and i deserve to be hated for being so stupid in the first place...im not important or worth anyones time anyway..guess it just makes it easier to be suicidal if i think im nothing..things are just i dont know..i was ok and now im not and i cant figure out what to do with myself and i know ill go home and just hide in my room because i dont feel like being around anyone right this minute..maybe ill go back and see if prof dunn is still there or something and then i guess go home..no reason to stay on campus when i would just walk back and forth without doing a thing..theres nothing for me to do..and so now im just stuck in my head and i dont even want to be there right now