its over..all of it now...last day of field is over and done with..i dont have to go back and im guessing since i havent heard from dr bunch i passed the class..i was so fine earlier and now its all i can do not to cry..i was even mostly ok driving home..leaving the hospital with all of my stuff was hardest part of today..it was really like packing..nothing of me is there anymore..and i was just sitting in the car seriously considering going back in..but my badge has been deactivated..my key is gone..i have no status in the hospital at all anymore..its like i was never ever there...but now im at home looking at all of my stuff and realizing i really have no where to go and nothing to do..i dont know what im supposed to do with my time anymore..my schedule is gone and im really at a loss..i keep asking what im supposed to do like theres someone here to tell me..i just suddenly dont know what to do with myself or my time..im trying really hard to calm down because freaking out over it wont do anything at all except freak me out...somehow in the past week or so all the freaking out has disappeared..replaced by a neverending saddness but all of the stuff i was worried about just doesnt worry me as much right now...no idea why..maybe i just let it all get as bad as it could and now theres nothing left for it to do but get better..i dont know..its really weird that thinking about it now does not make me feel terrified anymore or doubting myself as much..im still worried about all of it but not to the point of im going to run away anymore ...its weird not having it there in a big way..suddenly my head is much calmer...maybe half listening in therapy for like the 3rd time about the same stuff finally got through to me...its not that i dont care anymore but hmm i dont know.guess its just hard to explain...i was thinking yesterday that i never thought i would graduate..never really considered it..never considered what would happen when i wasnt in school anymore..and now its happening..i know where im not..maybe not all the pieces worked out but i know..not that im liking all of it but its better than nothing..things have really changed and my long long hard fought out college years are coming to an end..completely..took a lot longer than planned but im getting out all the same and in one piece..ive learned a lot about life and kinda the way the world works..somewhere in there even if i dont want to admit it ive learned the world is not fair and you dont have to like it but you still have to live it..im not proud of myself for anything ive done..im lucky i havent killed myself yet..im lucky i wasnt taken out of the program for being a spazz..i still cut and purge and burn and randomly take meds that arent mine...but im alive all the same..maybe im not neant to die by killing myself..maybe one of these days ill stop trying...better than that maybe one of these days ill be happy and like myself for who i am..my whole outlook has to change now..where am i going from here? what do i want? who am i? im doing something i never considered or believed i would do..somehow i just thought i would stay in school forever and never have to face the real world..i dont really remember what it was like when i first came to college..i dont know if i kept a journal back then and if i did i dont know where it is anymore since its not online..but i do know arran was right with what she said..and she saw me second semester of my freshamn year i think or either 1st semester of my 2nd year and no i wasnt functioning at all ..i did enough to get by and hence failed just about everything i took..and think then was one of the few times i cut every day and was back and forth to the health center..i just remember being incredibly paranoid about everything..i swore up and down mommy would just show up and i would be in so much trouble..being on my own for the first time was not all it was cracked up to be..i just got a huge shove from being incredibly sheltered to independent and i wasnt ready for it..didnt know how to handle anything at all and it freaked me out..i know i was happy to not be at home but i didnt know how to deal with being responsible for myself..so a break inbetween starting college would ahve been good..it took me 2 and a half evens to start balancing things out..before i figured out what to do and where to go..i didnt have a clear major for almost 2 years and it took another year just to bring my gpa up enough to declare a major...i stopped and started therapy more than once in my college years..everytime there was someone there telling me it was what i had to do or what i needed to do because i was seriously in trouble.. they got me started more than once but i was the one who kept showing up..like clockwork i showed up when i could..summers not really counting since i was out of town most of them..i lasted through all the screwed up mental health system issues that i still dont agree with and think was the stupidest thing to ever happen..and somehow i managed to stay with the same therapist..considering changing wasnt big on my list of things to do either...im going to look back on my college years and remember all the times i went to therapy..yea thats a story to tell my non existent kids..but for some reason that i cant explain going to therapy and looking at the wall completely kept me alive..wouldnt make any sense at all to even try to explain why not talking about anything serious kept me alive but it did..well it was a big help when i didnt have anywhere else to go..not that i really talked about it but going was enough..still art therapy was the most fun ive ever had in therapy ever..i still have all of my pictures and still like painting..cant explain any of what i paint but i like it and my off the wall pictures...for all the stuff i still do thats considered bad..i have some good things now..i have bunches of information that ive never thrown away and prolly never will..may never look at it again but i have it..still i want to burn that book that it all came out of...suddenly knowing im not ready to be out of therapy isnt as scary as i thought..no im not going to jump at the thought of going back immediatly but i know itwill be less than a year before im back in therapy somewhere...still dont want to have to start over but im guessing it will work out if i end up with the right person..and if not or i get a better car maybe ill make the drive the greenville every other week for therapy..still dont like it but i can deal with it..ive been told more than once by arran more so when i dont want to hear it that she believes in me..no idea why it suddenly mattered so much now or even why it means so much now..but regardless of anything ive done..no matter how stupid or small i think it is she was there to tell me the oppisite...ok im the slowest person alive..i so know why it works...arran would be the stable person for me..one of the few stable people i happen to know..on an incredibly personal level she is first..nothing i say phases her..given i dont say a lot at all..but she is..the same way i was stable for the kids i worked with over the summer..for the most part it didnt matter what they said i wasnt going anywhere..the ones i couldnt handle i learned about fast and took what i could and asked for help when i couldnt...camp being one of the only places ive ever openly cried at..and that was only after i reasched my limit of how much i could handle and didnt have any other outlet..but there it was cry and there will be someone to comfort yu..i got a million hugs...i wasnt scared there, i could ask for help and i was listened too...which is why it would be stupid of me to doubt my decision to go back to the place where i felt safest...and the admin ppl know about the depression and maybe some of the bpd dx but i dont remember what exactly the doctor put on the forms after the physical..but im positive they knew about the depression..and i was still accepted with all of my shortcomings and lack of outdoor skills...i worked my butt off there and they know i did.. i could be proud of myself..i was told to be proud of myself..even if i dont know why or didnt agree with the cause i was proud of myself...got back home and most of it fell apart but maybe its not all gone..so at least on the job part i know ive made the right decision..now the rest of my head just has to catch up with me...maybe it is time for me to move and figure out what im doing without having mommy around me as much..that really was the best part of being at camp..i was away from all of my influences..i was out of the area i was used to and had to learn my way around..this time ill have my own car but still the same thing..ill have to learn a new town..a new set of coworkers and reaquiant myself with the old ones..ill be completely free in a sense..if ill stop cutting and stuff when i get there i dont know..i dont even know if i can stop what im doing now...but its no fun wondering about what the future will hold when i cant even make it through the day properly...even in college ive been sheltered some...i did my stint with drinking in all its hungover glory..i partied and went to clubs and had my fun that i dont really remember..but i guess ive done all there is to do at college and good grief did i take my time doing it..but regardless of how long ive been here im still graduating and that does still scare me some but hearing other people talk about it on monday made me realize im really not the only one worried about changes..im not the only one worriedabout what is going to happen after graduation and im not the only one completely broke! im not as alone as i might think and that does make me feel better..it just took a few days to catch up...im not going to say i dont have problems with anixety though..good grief i know i do..but like arran said maybe all the writing ive done this time will help with the next time i have a big move or something..although im hoping i wont ill have records of my behaviors and thinking in all of there weird and ramble filled glory...i do talk more now than i ever have before..still quiet but if i say i talk more then im guessing i do...maybe ill get around to believing i am a bit better..or more stable i guess is the better word..even if i still do spend a lot of time alone or without talking to anyone..i can take care of myself in some sense .. im not dependent on anyone anymore expect myself now..and starting in january that really will be the case since ill have a steady job and hopefully a working car... but for now im glad of the one i do have..it works ..and im used to it..and i know what it needs if im keeping it...things are changing and i dont have to like them..i have to keep remeinding myself i dont have to like any of them..but theres a difference in not liking them and ignoring them...and scared or not..some things just have to be done i guess..
hmm when did i become so insightful...
today was okay..i handled it a lot better than i thought i would..it was sad saying goodbye..i promised cindy and janet i would drop by when i could and that i would stay in touch..they got me presents..i have a cookie monster ornament and a picture of some of the rehab team i worked on..i have there work address and there emails since i think they will work at the hospital for forever :)..went to lunch with janet and a nice restuarant and got a burger and fries ..picked at the butter with chives in it but actually ate it..talked about how i didnt like anything on the menu and she tried hard to help me find something i would eat..but it was nice..and i really was quite comfortable working with all of them...and i miss them already...the nurse and secretary and carepartner i was with the most got me a sweatshirt and a new bag and it was really nice..im said i could say goodbye to everyone but i know they will understand..now all thats left really is packing and figuring out apartment stuff..i am glad i finally told the new landlady i was moving since you have to give a 30day notice i didnt know about..it will make it easier to figure out what ill have to do to move out..doesnt help that i dont have any money to move but ill figure that out as it comes too..maybe in all of this ive learned to give myself a break just alittle bit..weird the way things work out..
No comments:
Post a Comment