down down down

i need to get out of the house..i need to do something...im going crazy with worry and waiting and trying to stay safe..and the more i think about going to the store today..the more i am thinking about how nice it would be to get razors...to have them..not use them (deluded i know)...but thinking clearly is not a major point right now...im not really sure what is a major point right now...im just down and tired of worrying about everything..im tired of waiting for my phone to ring..im tired of waiting to be given a chance and it makes me just again feel as if i am good at nothing at all...i talked to an old coworker yesterday about her interview at the same place i interviewed ..and again by the time i g ot off the phone with her..i was just thinking and telling myself that i did an awful job..that there is nothing good about anything ive done..that my resume and my interview were junk and should be thrown away and never looked at again...on and on and on...and the more i worry..the more negative i get and its frustrating ..and im afraid ill juts spend my days laying down and ignoring everything around me...juts realized that i forgot about another bill ..and i just want to cry..im tired..but this is not sleepy tired...this is all of my concerns and worries are sitting on my shoulders and it is going to break me..and then ill die and be left alone...

maybe i should give courtney a call...but i dont want to be forced back into therapy either...not right now..well if i was forced now it would be a useless thing...but maybe just to talk a little bit or something..i dont know...it may not be the best idea to tell the person who controls my meds that i am feeling pretty suicidal .... maybe ill just keep quiet for a bit longer... just wait and manage and just keep quiet ..i dont know...im told i can manage...so i guess thats what ill do...

time for meds...yay me..

feeling...well feeling a bit to much

im super tired and slightly drugged so im hoping that this will make sense. .. ive had mommmy hounding me for most of thedaay for one reason or another and you know something random..im completely sad that they have once again taken away teh chili and cheese burrito that i like from taco bell...crazy i know..but i like it and they keep taking it away and yeah... but im feeling down..and sort of wanting to drink which is a huge clue that i am trying to drown out some issue..its like going down the list of addictive behaviors and picking the next one on the list ..seriously ..i dont need another thing to have consume me...ill take the dang depressino on its own ..at least that i know will keep me from doing anything stupid ...drinking just to numb out will not be a good idea...so yeah..im a little freaked out though because of the recent breakins over here and im in the basement and so im a little bit freaked out but i am in the basement and its not like i can drag my stuff somewhere else..there is no where else for it to go...but ive locked the door back again ..so that it cant be opened from the outside..and that helps me feel a little safer but im still nervous aobut it ...and a little bit scared.  did i say that already?  hmmm i talked to sarah today and she is sad and upset and i dont know how to make it better...i will keep being there though.  taji has been clingly..and its only at random times and i know she is eating but i rub her and i cant tell shes eaten at all...i need to get them to the vet .. dang it i keep falling asleep and i kinda kinda gotta pee .. haha i gotta pea .. i should listen to the song again.  it makes me laugh..and since i am at risk of seeming like ive completely lost my mind..i think i should go to sleep.. i took my meds tonight. yay. i took them on time even...and now im falling asleep..i need to do laundry..maybe ill do that at some point this week..or sunday maybe..maybe the days will stop running toggether...yeah sleep.  i think ill write tormorrow. yep

lack of control ...

i am pretty straight forwardly hiding out today..the weather is gross..im feeling depressed..i see no real reason to even get out of bed...i really dont....

cancelled my appointment to see the bh person today...i just am not up for filling out one of the assessments on how i am feeling ...im sure suicidal and depressed will not go over well....

once again i am forced to accept help from mommy...because i have no other choice....and i hate myself all the more because i cant say no..because i dont have the extra money for food and stuff...thankfully i am able to pay my rent without her help....but now the control that she has is switching over to food and what i can and cant eat or get at the grocery store..and im juts stupid enough to believe that if i cross some line..get something im not supposed to get..that she will know..and i will be in trouble...

i am supposed to be pricing a grocery list that she made for me...every single thing that i can get and is acceptable...she put on the list...told me to price it...told me that now that i dont have the money to buy whatever i want then that means i will be able to eat healthy and since i refuse to go back to being a vegetarian..then there are only certain things i am allowed to have....and it just makes me feel stupid ... that i am in this situation..that i cant even go to the grocery store without assistance because im obviously to stupid to even bother with making a proper list for the store...i really feel like just crying right now....i know i need to get food..and im trying to not go and get food because i need to make sure the rent is paid and the cats are fed...and i know letting mommy give me money for groceries and gas is going to come back heavily and bite me in the butt...it is....

and so the control changes but it is still the same...there is no real freedom for me right now i guess..and the sooner i realize that i am trying to fight a battle i cant win then i guess the easier it will be...

but i was told that im trusted enough to be able to go to the store and get what i say i will get....im just so glad i have that little bit of trust that means absolutely nothing to me...i wasnt going to ask her for money..i was going to go with my plan of sandwiches and noodles until i started working again...stupid me for voicing that plan out loud...it was very stupid of me...

why is it so hard to understand ..that i am a failure

i am a failure ... completely .... i dont know what im going to do...im stressed out and keep being told that i have nothing to be worried about...im trying to hold back the tears ... right now...and i dont want to talk to anyone right now... im sorry i dont sound happy or want to do anything..im trying to hang on but each day it just gets so much harder...and so i guess ill just keep my worrying to myself...id rather not here that i just need to pray or that i dont need to be depressed and taking medication...the more interesting question would be to ask when am i not depressed??? 

another day of stomach troubles from not eating all day and then eating to fast i guess....next time ill just not eat.. im sick of my stomach boycotting food..

ill prolly juts go back to staring at the ceiling or something...

stuck and anxious ,,remember and death

 i am feeling stuck and well anxious right now...worrying and trying not to..trying to tell myself that something is going to work out..that next week will be my week and i will get a call about a job...the inactivity of not working is beginning to scare me, that i will become to comfortable with doing nothing...but i dont want to end up lost within myself...

im not really sure what i am feeling actually...am i upset? sad? down? depressed? okay? worried? stressed?  i really dont know...i really dont know.

I feel reflective but i dont know why.

I think i accidently got triggered yesterday and the thoughts are still hiding under the surface. I know the thoughts that hide.  The insecurities, the questions, the why me, the how come i ended up hurt and afraid of everything but only I seem to remember? What is wrong with me?

Mommy says she doesnt remember.  Mommy always asks if she was a good parent, she says she was a good parent, that she scarficed so very much for us, but at what cost?  I was strong enough to stand against her, and so i was broken. Repeatedly broken on purpose because she could do it.  She told me she did things on purpose because of my reaction, because then I would blindly agree and not argue.  No one was there to tell me anything differently...I believed her.  I still believe her and still question just what it is that i remember.

What is it, the beatings, the humiliation, the forced social interactions, the need to behave, to be seen and not heard, the knowledge that you do not cross mommy, the fear of being in trouble, the fear of not remembering and getting in trouble, the threats, the pain, the yelling, the comparing, my life but it is one i do not remember fully.  anyone who meets mommy know would swear i was just being an ungrateful little bitch, that I was making things hard for her. How could I be so ungrateful, so mean to her..but how do you explain just how mean and hurtful she has been to me?? how am I the one that is wrong and spiteful and bitter? All the years of hurt got locked so far away..the yelling and comments about myself became my own..and I am better at breaking myself these days than she is...

It makes me sad, to think about a life that feels like it is not my own.  To know and fully understand that I do have two sets of parents that did not want me.  No one has explained the adoption, no one has remembered my sister...and so I am truly alone in regards to a biological family. So many different scenarios could have happened, but no one has told me the truth.  no one has told me why.  left to my own devices who am i to believe?  what am i to believe?  should i be greatful that i was not pushed through the foster system? but instead ended up in a home where nothing i did was good enough?  where punishment was anything that was close enough to hurt?  where fear ruled, and hiding and being invisible was important.  to break the rules meant days of worry and fear, days of threats until eventually there was pain.  There was no protection, never any protection.  but mommy swears she doesnt remember..how can she not remember?  how can she forgot when she made me eat out of the toilet, or all the times she hit me with the bat or brushes or brooms or belts, or switches..or the piece of trim that had fallen off? how do you forget calling me a slut and a whore when I wasnt old enough to understand what the words meant. I knew they were bad but not what they meant.  I was bad that was the message.  She knew everything and I knew nothing.  I had nothing.  My stuff destroyed on a whim..because my room was messy..i held no attachment to anything because nothing was mine. how she believed other men over me. i wanted her to kill me when she threatened to.  she had the knife, so why did she not go through with it? i was defenseless? i had nothing to protect myself with? and probably would have stood there and not fought back.  I would have welcomed death...there was nothing in the world for me at all.  when things became sexually she was not there..but she was..i was told to obey, to be nice, to play...she had no idea of the game that was played, or the resulting acting out..that i am ashamed of...the inability to say no..the inability to know that it was ok to say no ..to stop it..but i was older so it was my fault. i was bad and nasty and disgusting....but fear kept me silent, and defending myself was not worth the trouble...i am destined to be alone because she has said so...but im not alone..and it is in moments like this that i hang on to sarah like a life line...to keep my from drowning in my thoughts....mommy choose others over me...again and again and again..she choose others over me..she ignores me and demands my attention..she expects so much from me...expects me to be so much..and i do not have the energy to combat it...it is a useless fight...because who would believe me? what does this mean? for me? for my life? for anything at all?

my thoughts still control me....the words and rules and promises and hurts control me...she told me i was crazy..that i needed to be in the hospital...but no one is allowed to know..so i stay out of the hospital..even when i am looking death in the face...i stay out of the hospital...because that is against the rules...because then everyone will know im crazy and that is not okay...but there is no longer any help for me...ive tried to find the help...therapy, meds, talking, writing, there is nothing left to try...and even my therapist gave up on me..so what do i have to live for?

one thing that i really truly can not deal with is a parent who choosing someone else over their child...i cant handle that..there is no forgiveness in me for that...

im just quiet im not crazy
i dont need the meds
i dont need anything
i need to smile
i need to get out of the house more
i need to not eat
that is the recommendations of mommy...

sometimes i do feel like dumping all the meds down the toilet and never taking any of them again....not take them and see what happens...

i just want to lay down and hide

underneath it all

the meds calm me enough that i can think. it might not be real clea thinking or even coherant .but i think.i think that the suicidal feelings have been hiding from me..right ubnder the surface and i havent noticed. but tonight i can feel it. i want to die. i want to go away. i want a break. thats all. a break . it was hiding real good. but i found it. the thoughts n feelings. the sadness and darkness. the negative wants to consume me. take me away from everything  i just want quiet and nothing and everything. i donnt know

i know im looking for an excuse to not face my problems..im trying not to let my mood effect everything else going on around me ..but really all i can seem to do is worry and worry leads to panic and panic leads to tears and tears can led to one or two things ..sleep or pain....i know that i juts want a drink right now to numb out..but i juts took meds and hopefully will fall asleep soon..im tired of today...im tired of trying ..im tired of being a failure ...im not sure about tomorrow at all..i dont want to go to the wedding..but i cant just skip it..i dont want to deal with a lot of ppl right now...who knows maybe i will even feel like eating tomorrow...i made tuna tonight...and by the time i was done i didnt want it anymore...i was starving..i ate at like 8 this morning...and just a couple sprites during the day..tuna was supposed to be dinner but now i dont want it anymore...or at least not tonighit..

im feeling very unsure of myself right now

i dont know how im feeling right now.....i guess i prolly am a bit on edge with the storm and everything..and then not feeling good..and i guess im starting to worry a bit about tomorrow and there being extra people in the house and everything...i think i am more than a bit on edge...because of the stupid weather i wont get to see sarah tonight..stupid stupid weather...

one of my jobs that i interviewed for did call me today..but i didnt get the position....i did get referred to the richmond part of the agency though...so im not sure how i feel...i of course thanked him for referring me along and letting them now i was a good candidate...but still it makes me sad..and i guess all the waiting and worrying and things are beginning to wear on me..and im trying to stay positive about things..but every day doubt slips in a bit more..and i wonder what in the world i am good for...what i did to get back in this situation...and it juts feels like everything is closing in on me and i cant breathe...i cant think..i want to lay down and forget the world exists..im not good enough...for anything..maybe that is all that i need to remember....

im tired and i feel like crying and i want sarah and i dont know...just a mess right now

weird dreams ...

this is one of the rare days i wish i could remember what i was dreaming about ..i know the theme was judgement, injustice, etc..things along those lines..and i kept waking up and trying to think about what i was dreaming but then i would go back to sleep..and now i forget ..but i dont feel good currently...not sure why...and not to thrilled that it is storming because i really dont like storms.well thunder and lightening..i really dont like..and i hate how i feel when im scared of something..

but i did get bunches of hugs from curvon today..and i got to old the baby and play with him for a couple hours this morning.  that did make me happy.

and some pictures i was sent on facebook made me happy to.  maybe i will go and look at them again since im feeling kind of out of it...

5 months....

i was reminded today that it has been five months...there have been happy times, sad times, angry times, and times for apologizing and regaining trust...but we are both still here..we are both still there for each other..she wont let me shut down and shut her out..and i make sure she is taking care of herself...loving someone is not what i thought it would be...neither a bad or good assesment..it is just different...and it is really just being able to lay down with her and know im not alone that calms my mind and my heart...the other things are perks ..the laughs and talking and jokes and traveling and breaking down and building up..quiet talks about the future, about the present, about the past...hearing and listening to what is said and not said...caring and thinking about her when i am not with her....that is what love is..and that is what i have found. 

what is beauty?

when i first opened up and felt like writing tonight..i reallly did not plan on the topic being about beauty at all...but i was on facebook and saw the post for who was chosen as the most beautiful women and it was Lupita Nyong'o...now i havent seen 12 years a slave yet..but i will soon..maybe tonight if i can find it online somewhere..but this is a woman whose picture i looked at and for a moment i thought ' i want to be beautiful too'...

beauty and me and not things that i associate together at all...i am me..sometimes i tolerate myself..but i see nothing beautiful about myself...and its taken a long, very long time to get to the point where i CAN tolerate myself..and look in the mirror and actually focus in on myself ...gosh i avoid mirrors, i avoid looking at myself..i dont evene have a mirror in my bedroom..and will literally walk out of the door in the morning without looking in a mirror at all..because there is no point..because i still have the same face that i grew up with..i still have the same face that has been told time and time again to change...to be someone else..to be something else..to be better, prettier, nicer, than i was...so why look in the mirror....like i said ..there is no point...

i am not ashamed of how i look..but i can be very critical of my looks..i am very critical of my body...critical of the scars..critical of what i have put my body through and lived to see another day...but no i dont think i am ashamed of my body...standing naked and looking in the mirror embarrasses me..and i dont do it often...but when i am alone..and it is just me..and there are no extra eyes around to judge or torment me..then i dont care ..i wear what i want..i can do what i want..and there is no shame..i am comfortable..almost comfortable in my skin...

but insert society, insert work, friends, relationships, any of that ..and the wanting to hide away comes back...again not so much because of shame..but more because i have been told over and over again that i am not beautiful..that i am not wanted..that i will never find love or get married or any of that...i am told i am stupid and worthless and that i need to lose weight, not eat, restrict, that i should care more about myself, i should take care of myself more...over and over...at least two times a week there is a conversation about me..how i look, what i wear, am i making enough effort...this is what i grew up hearing, and maybe i come off as not caring..no i dont wear make up because i dont like it..because i was made up as a child and didnt like it then either....normally i am in jeans and a shirt and sneakers..unless im going to work..and working is not all dressy either...when i want to i can put effort into how i look i guess...but if the message i got and still get is that i am not good enough..that i am not beautiful as i am..then no amount of make up or dieting or anything will change that...

the sad thing is...that i always am thinking about, comparing, looking at my body, at the bodies around me..wondering why i cant look like them..wondering why i got stuck with the body i have..why cant i pick a new body? why cant i look like how i think i want to look in my head?  where is the button to change me into someone beautiful??

so i guess the question is still...what is beauty? what makes a person beautiful?  it is more than accepting who you are..it is more than being comfortable in your own skin...it is just so much more than that...but i never learned what that was...i never learned that beauty is something that is individual for each person..its not the make up, or the clothes, or the money, the body, the special hollywood status...because even with all of that..i am almost certain that i will not feel any more beautiful then than i do now...

i know all the says..beauty is within, you have to love yourself as you are, you have to accept who you are..be comfortable in your skin, say what you feel, be honest, love, laugh, confidence...that is what beauty is...but again that does not work for me..how do you combat 30 years of feeling not beautiful..of being compared to everyone around you, of not fitting in because of body size or skin color or the type of clothes i wear or how i talk or what i like...

it is hard to feel beautiful when all of my thoughts focus on what is wrong with me..i was talking pictures of myself today..because of my hair...i love my hair..i love the purple thats in it...does it make me feel beautiful?  no..do i smile when other people comment on my hair?  yes... i want to be noticed, i want to be included and wanted and feel important and that i matter...yes i want to be told that i am beautiful..but i want it to be because i am me...and not what i can become..or who i can become...i want it to be because they mean it...and arent trying to make me feel better or something..i already know how i look..my look hasnt changed since i was kid for goodness sake...

im sorry if i have managed to disappoint anyone...

 

this is who i am

got distracted

ok so my last post was completely not what i had actually planned to write about...no i had something else on my mind...

and its more curiousity than embarrassment right this minute  ( that could change)



so

a couple of my roommates are swingers..they are a couple...and their personal life isnt my business..but the swinger part i had already figured out..so it was more or less confirmed today...so yeah...but anyway...i may be naive about a lot of things but i am fully aware of what the swinger lifestyle entails..and while i have no real interest in it..the whole situation is just sorta interesting in a majorly this is not my business sorta way..i mean ive seen the other couple in passing and its not as if anyone is walking around the house naked or whatever...but what is the drive behind it? just liking sex or just liking being with a different person ..and well it takes cheating almost out of the equation if both are aware of course of who is sleeping with who..but cheating can still happen...as i learned today..and the guy was forgiven...but its just different..not good or bad...just different...

which is a huge illlogical roundabout way has me thinking of other things...relating to relationships and not..and kind of just how to bring up conversations ..i know i have to work on getting past the whole shame part of it..and realizing that well it is what it is...but how that is done?  i have no idea..

to be continued

secrets and lies

as im sitting here debating on if i want to eat or not..im choosing to ignore the fact that my head is hurting and that i am feeling a bit sick..and all of that...sometimes you gotta make choices..and thankfully i have pasta for tomorrow..i ate some this afternoon for lunch ..so i can have the rest tomorrow...and i dont have to worry about figuring out what to cook...because no matter how i try to get things worked out in my head..nothing is working out..and im just frustrated with all of it..

i know i am hiding today...i knew i would end up hiding today but i again tried to convince myself otherwise...tried to convince myself that it was ok..that i would be ok ... but no... reality hit me squarely in the chest this morning..and now..all ive done is lie to mommy about what i have and dont have money wise..and i keep getting so defensive talking to her..i try not to ..but it takes almost nothing and im angry and dont want to talk to her..i dont want to be questioned..i have enough worries going on without needing her questioning every single thing..of course she asked if i was getting paid this week and of course i said yes...what difference does it make if i said no?? my lack of being able to care for myself is staring me in the face and i can feel that it is slowly picking away at me....its sad how badly i want to cut just for a bit of relief...just so i can sleep or think or just manage to do anything without being plauged by worry...i talk to nia and im so jealous..and i hate how jealous i am..its not good to compare..but again my struggles are mine to deal with alone and in secret..thats what mommy tells me...more or less that is what she tells me..and i try hard to keep my secrets to myself...and them slipping out is making me want to punish myself more and more...i hide so i dont have to talk..i dont have to lie if im not talking to anyone ...

i feeling to many things right now...and i look at the time frame that i have inadvertently set for myself and all i can see is me failing at all of it....and then the negative thoughts take over and my head is full of thoughts that i dont want to have...and i know exactly what i am doing...that is the part of all of this that just makes it all seems so wrong and worthless...i know i am trying to push ppl away...there are not that many people i talk to anyway..but the few i do talk to..have lives of their own..they have families and jobs and dont need me and my depressing mess of a life getting in their way...i really would give almost anything to go back to being able to hold on to my silence like i did in college...not speak to anyone..and then there is no one to ask questions..no one to notices scars..no one to notice anything at all ...

i know the saying is that things will get worse before they get better...but how much more do i have to deal with ?  what else can happen ?  what else can i do or not do...and reaching out for help is just like being lost in the dark...no one can help me..i cant even help me...but again..as long as i can keep my mood neutral and/or slightly drugged whenever i am around anyone else..then what is there to know..what is there to do...smile, pretend, repeat, and push away all thoughts of anything else...i remember now why i relied on cutting...i remember why i needed it to get through the day..to get through the hour..maybe i will just sleep the days away....at least if im sleep i wont be thinking...

well .....

i talked with heather this morning...and well i guess i have a more confirmed time frame....and im looking at 2 months....job and a place to live in the next two months...i can do this...i hope i can do this...

just frustrated and to much thinking ......

i am trying not to fall into the trap of depression...i really am..but it is hard..as i sit here and it is monday and i am doing nothing...im not working..im not doing anything productive i guess...and it is making me feel useless....so very useless...things are piling up around me and im getting stuck in all of the worrying and confusion about what to do..what i will be able to do..where i will go if it comes to that...im trying hard to find a job..that is the first delima. ..  the second delima is finding a place to live that i can afford...the third delima is actually making it to the first and second delima outcomes in one piece ...  i want to give up..throw a tantrum...just a bit down..and trying to deal with the world i guess ... i dont know yet...


i got my insurance stuff in the mail..and well while its nice having it..im really not sure if it is going to be helpful...like with meds and stuff.i think they will be more expensive with the insurance..ugh..its all frustrating...

i was trying to talk to mommy this morning and she wasnt listening to me..and that just made me upset....and maybe it was stupid to get so upset over it..but i did..and i guess i need to figure out what im going to do..and that is what it keeps coming back too...finding out what i am going to do...but job is first...the rest will have to come after that...

im just thinking to much...and have a headache..and am feeling sorry for myself...

my life, my loves

anxiety

i keep looking on facebook and all of the happy easter/he is risen pictures are getting to me..i dont want to look at either of them anymore...i dont know what about today has me feeling so anxious..but im just bothered and annoyed and frustrated and not feeling good and im complaining....i need to stop complaining..maybe i do need a nap to clear my head a bit....who knows...im such a loser

feeling angry ....

i dont want to ruin the day or the weekend...i just always forget how much arguing and cursing at each other and what not is a big trigger ...and now im home and feeling sad and alone and i want to go back to sarah and i cant ..and im angry that taji and bounce werent taken care of..and that my stomach refuses to calm down ..and im sick of my bang period ..and i just feel so gross and pathetic right now...

ssssooooo about yesterday

i want to write about yesterday but i need to go to the bathroom soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad and i cant because im going to have the dang drug screen done in like an hour and if i go and pee now i wont be able to later....and so i have to hold it..and i just feel like hopping around the room trying to hold it in .... yes this is my sad life at the moment ! goodness...

but about yesterday....yeah..death warmed over..i felt awful ..went to my interview..and then went over to sarahs and completely crashed...like sleep refused to let me go..and i kept falling asleep and trying not to fall asleep and still falling asleep...it took a bit before i asked for pain meds...the pain comes and goes..but when it comes it hurts like crazy...right now im not hurting and am feeling able to get up and stuff...but yesterday it wouldnt stay away..and i hate how needy i get when i am not feeling good..sarah stayed with me though..good heavens i really hope i didnt start crying or anything..but i stayed over at her place all afternoon and evening...

and i guess the part i wanted to write about was the conversation we had before i came home...because it has me thinking very hard...and i guess sometimes i forget that this is life and something there really are worries going on for both of us..about different things..about the same things...and kind of just being reassuring and listening and being able to kinda figure things out a bit...or wee where things are at...  it does make me sad that i am afraid of things that i want to do because im scared of not being able to stay in control..and how much the past has warped my mind and im not sure all the time what it is that i am wanting or why...no i dont want to be hurt...but there is a fine line between pain and pleasure...and i think that confuses me ... because what i want..or what i want to try/explore/whatever it may be involves massive amounts of trust and equally massive amounts of vulnerability from both of us...and i think i pull back more...i will accept but not give as equally ..because of fear...im starting to slowly do different things..but i realize that for both of us..the nice, kosher, simple sex stuff isnt completely what is needed...and that doesnt concern me..i think it actually makes me feel a little bit better..knowing that im not completely hanging out in left field by myself because shame and guilt prevent me from talking about or asking about things that i like or dont like..

it really makes me think of the entire submissive role type things.....as much as i find the role appealing ..i dont think i am truly completely submissive...i like having the control..but i dont want it all of the time...i dont know...im trying to figure out where i stand on the whole submissive and control spectrum...i really think im afraid to give up control completely...which could be some of why i have a harder time with getting the end result and stuff...hmmm not sure ....

feeling sick...

you know i realize that the mierna thing is going to help in the long run...but right this minute i want to rip the darn thing back out juts to stop the cramping and hurting...walking hurts..sitting up hurts..i feel very sick and im supposed to be getting ready for my interview...i want to cry in frustration because i know my attention is deivided right now..and im not really sure about being able to focus as much as i need too today..im going to take some midol and hope it helps a little bit..cas i need to get up and get out of the house...dont throw up...thats my goal...i hope i manage the interview ok ...crap

im ok...

i guess i am doing better today.  i am feeling better..juts a little bit of the cramping today. .. it was worse this morning..and i really struggled with getting up this morning and moving..but i did go to my appointment...and talked some about what has been going on...we talked about my gyno appt yesterday and as much as i wanted to tell her i didnt want to talk about it..i did a little bit..because yes the appt was very hard..and overwhelming and hard..and im embarrassed that i started crying..got out of the office and seriously started ccrying and couldnt even explain why..i was upset. scared..hurting..i only perfer to have one person touch me.and so all the pushing and proding and what not between the ultrasound and the mirena thing just messed with my head completely.. and so today even though it was so hard i did make it to my appt this morning..and then i went over to sarahs for a bit...and that made me feel loads better..just to put things nicely..i really enjoy playing with sarahs wheelchair ... and being completely unladylike :)  it makes my bones turn to jelly and thinking becomes an optional thing...very very optional...but it was a break from things you know..we watched a movie and just talked and i got plenty of hugs and just physical contact in..it helped with getting me more grounded..having her there and being able to just lay down and have her hug me..and listen to me..and make me feel better...i dont want to overwhelm her though :(   ok not going to think about that ..i will ask sarah later on about that..but the weather started to get all stormy and what not and i needed to eat so home it was..and now im home and am feeling a little bit lonely..but ill see sarah tomorrow..after my interview..maybe ill be able to stay longer tomorrow because well yeah fun times happen in the evening..but anyhoo...ok breathe..my head is on overdrive and compeltely in the gutter..soo..

i guess im just saying that i am ok.  the same stress and worries going on..but im doing what i can..applying and interviewing and waiting...i hate the waiting..but i am doing it...and so im just living day to day...thats all i can do right now...

but maybe i should just lay down and work on enjoying the day for what it is :)

scared..and a bit sick ...

well i was able to go back to sleep for a bit this morning...but even when i woke up i am still feeling fairly sick...and now i can add on feeling scared too..about today..about all aspects of what i need to do today.  im scared...so very scared..of the interview, of my doc appointment..of all of it....i just want to lay in bed and hide..i really do..

i spent the morning applying for more jobs...and filling out applications online...

now its time for me to get up and get moving...but im slow to move...i want to lay down..go back to sleep..stop thinking about everything that is going on...no thinking about the darn gyno appt and the fact that it will be having the birth control put in...it took so much for me to go the other week ..just to be told that i needed the darn thing...now i go back..and i dont want to go back...my stomach is not feeling so steady and yeah ... id rather not do anything highly embarrassing today...please just let me make it through the day.

not a good night...

i went to sleep hoping that i didnt get sick..i wasnt feeling good..but tried sleeping anyway....5 hours later...i wake up sick....so so very embarrassed and ashamed of myself ...i want to go back to sleep but im afraid too...my stomach is still bothering me .. my stomach is so unpredictable...im to freaking old to have accidents ...


i just want a hug...but ill go hide out instead..

update on life ...a long ramble

i guess its time to update...ive kinda stayed away from writing the last few days...wasnt really sure what i wanted to say..or how to say it with becoming so negative about everything...today im not negative though..today im juts depressed..and trying to adjust to the med change really...i had a feeling that going back to the metformin was going to be awful on my stomach..and well yeah...it is causing some difficulties...so going to have to adjust ..and give it time i know..but crud not having a dang gallbladder can be a real pain in the butt...eating is still touch and go a lot of the time...and still i end up becoming one with the bathroom more often than i care to admit...but yeah..gotta change what im eating and i know this..i do...

but anyhoo that i can deal with..its nothing new..its just a bit embarrassing always needing to go to the bathroom after eating...and normally its less than an hour after eating...but yeah on to other topics...this past week has been very trying and tiring and sad and angry and just a lot of hurt, fear,  panic...i was let go from my job..and it is the lack of a pay check that hurts more than being let go..i miss my clients but i really was not a good fit for the company..and i know that...and i can move on from that...the fear of course though is figuring out how to have money and not become homeless at the end of april..when i dont have another check coming at all...that is my biggest fear right now...im trying to figure out what to do...im looking for a job..im going on interviews...but im afraid that i will not find something in time...because i really dont know what to do next if i am going to have to find another place to live...because this time around i dont have the money for a hotel...im afraid to think to far past that ..because the next step is my car...and once it gets to that point ..i really just dont know....i know i could get a job .. again doing the inhome stuff..but the thing is that i really dont want to do that anymore...if it comes down to it..then i know i can apply for an inhome job...but i dont want to..but again i cant really be that choosy if i need a job like now...so yes i am anxious and worried and on the edge of panic pretty often the past week....i go back tomorrow for an interview with the program director at the huf center..and that is a job that i think i will truly like...im doing my best to be confident in the interviews, and talk and ask questions...and yes i can start immediately ..and yes there are benefits...and i just want some stability ... a set schedule..full time..no more driving all over the place with my car..because my car is on its last legs and well yeah...sooner rather than later it will end up needing to go in for some work...stupid check engine light is on..but yeah..that is what i am looking at ...pretty much...

another change..another lesson learned...another reminder to keep my work and my personal life completely separate..but i went into the last job with a lot going on..and unfortunately things continued going on and yeah i did let it affect my work..and well i cant let that happen again..nothing good came of it...there was no help offered...no ideas offered...nothing really except a bunch of people feeling sorry for me ...and that really doesn't help me at all...i hate having people feel sorry for me...yes shit happens..and unfortunately it seems that lately i have a lot of freaking shit happening..but im trying and hoping that it wont last forever..trying to hope anyway...

another obstacle is that my meds have gone up price wise..to be living on a major budget currently..having to unexpectedly pay over $100 for meds for a month was just a low blow...i cant afford that..quite honestly...and for a little while i was jealous of people who are able to get there meds for free...but i cant..and so i have to pay for them..and the insurance that im forced to pay for has not started yet...and so right now im just stuck in so many ways..i got my meds because without them i wont be able to function and would just end up sick having to come off of them...but my funds are dwindling rapidly..and i am juts worried....trying to plan ahead...trying to figure out what i have and what i need...i have taji and bounce to care for...and so that pushes my needs even further down the list .... basic needs arent really being met right now...except that i have a place to live for the next two weeks...all weekend ive been trying to figure out what i need food wise..to get through the week..and im really not picky...because sandwiches and wraps are fine....it just makes me sad that i am back in the situation where i am forced to get just the minimal basics for myself...and nothing more....i have $20 (maybe a little bit more since i had to let henry borrow money this weekend and mommy is supposed to be giving it back to me tomorrow) to go to the grocery store with tomorrow..and that will have to get my food for the week...to put with what i have here at home already...so it is not anything worth mentioning...sandwiches, hot dogs, fast easy and completely unhealthy...but i cant over eat...guess mommy will be proud of me for losing weight...yeah..but yeah im trying to be realistic...im trying to do what i have to do to get by..without asking for help..from anyone....i have to remind myself that i have a place to stay and that really is the most important in my mind... 

im going out of town for a couple days well at the end of the week..and im nervous since i will be meeting some of sarahs friends..and i always stink at meeting new ppl..and the need to be liked becomes just a bit overwhelming..and i guess im scared..that i will mess up..that i will end up sick..that i will ruin the entire trip for sarah somehow..and i dont want that...maybe i can just pack some food for the weekend or something...i dont know...maybe ill just be able to use the money mommy owes me towards going out of town instead of using it to get groceries ... i mean i have bread and cheese ..so i can make grilled cheese...maybe ill just go get some more noodles...im gonna have to talk myself out of getting spaghetti..well talk myself out of wanting spaghetti ... that is to much money to spend..i dont know..im trying to keep my worries to myself...so that sarah or nia doesnt worry...  im trying hard not to cut ... again...4/9/14 i guess is my start over date...over a year and all down the drain now...i dont want to cut but the thoughts fill my head...lifes circumstances are overwhelming me and the medication..and i am getting no piece of mind...i may stop seeing elizabeth ..i dont know yet...im forced to see courtney every couple months..because she wont call in a refill for the clonazapan if i dont see her...and as things in my life seem to crumble around me..i am starkly aware that i was told that i cant be helped..that all i do is complain about my life...and so for now i refuse to even consider going to therapy or anything else...im not sure i can handle rejection again..i dont want to handle another rejection...and i know that this is current life stuff may be temporary ..but i cant live in the future..im stuck in the present..and i have to go day by day...and it feels like it is forever...it feels like i am worthless and stupid and just a major screwup....but at least it is only my life that i am screwing up...bbecause i can put my energy on making sure taji and bounce are cared for..and whats left i guess can be used for me...sometimes i do end up wondering what is left for me...and sometimes i dont think anything actually is left...

my small moments of fun are with sarah..my roommates did get me out of the house last week one morning..and for that i am grateful...but being around sarah or spending time at sarahs place..gives me time away from my own thoughts...most of the time my head is quiet when im with her..sometimes not...but i enjoy getting to be with her, near her...for a little while i can forget that i am a bad person..with nothing to offer..for a little while...but then i come home and i am reminded that things are not ok and that well i have no idea what is going to happen..and i hate that...im so so so glad that sarah has a safe place to live..and is getting out and doing more stuff ... i am... but it makes me sad that i am not able to go out and do things...personal choice yes..and when things are going on i know i have a much harder time getting myself to get out or even to leave the house...but that is my concern...i want sarah to be happy and to be busy cas she likes being busy and not stuck at home...its important to her..so its important to me...

tomorrow is going to be a very trying day..i have the interview in the morning...but first i have to go to the clinic and pick up the mirena thing because i have to go back to the gyno in the afternoon tomorrow...so a pretty busy and stressful sorta day...it makes me tired juts thinking about it..and yes im going to go to everything i need to get too...but the motivation and desire is gone right now...everything is a chore...everything feels like it is to much and takes to much energy to do..juts the day to day stuff....

im back to sleeping on the floor..i have given up on trying to fix the air mattress..i patched the holes i found..and still it kept going flat...so i have g.iven up and am juts sleeping on the floor..not a big deal i guess..just something else to deal with..

so i guess that is my update...i dont know what else to say or how to make this any happier...im not sure there is even much happiness in it..a little bit..but overall .. i think its safe to life that i am depressed and that life is just continuing to kick my ass.

Happy Feet 2 - Bridge Of Light

     





Just when you think

Hope is lost,

And giving up

Is all you got,

And blue turns black,

Your confidence is cracked,

There seems no turning back from here



Sometimes there isn't an obvious explanation

Why the holiest hearts can feel the strongest palpitations



That's when you can build a bridge of light,

That's what turns the wrong so right

That's when you can't give up the fight



That's when love turns night time into day,

That's when loneliness goes away,

That's why you gotta be strong tonight,

Only love can build us a bridge of light



When your feet are made of stone

And you're convinced that you're all alone

Look at the stars instead of the dark

You'll find your heart shines like the sun



Let's not let our anger get us lost

And the need to be right comes with way too high a cost



That's when love can build a bridge of light

That's what turns the wrong so right

That's when you know it's worth the fight



That's when love turns night time into day

That's when loneliness goes away,

That's why you gotta be strong tonight

'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light



Deep breath, take it on the chin

But don't forget to let the love back in



That's when love can build a bridge of light

That's what turns the wrong so right

That's when you can't give up the fight



And that's when love turns night time into day,

That's when loneliness goes away

That's why you gotta be strong tonight

'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light



Only love can build us a bridge of light...



Of light....

Of light...

i dont have anything else to say..i dont know what to do..im ready to juts give up and call it quits ... i see almost nothing to live for right this minute...im useless.  really very useless...

failure ....

i have failed.  and i dont know what to say beyond that... so many negative and purposely hurtful things that are in my head..and i refuse to say anything is wrong ..well except for sarah and nia...and nia is already mad at me i guess for taking meds for the purpose of going to sleep...i dont really remember a lot of last night...i know i cut..and then i just sorta zoned out i guess...i dont know..i just know that currentyl im not feeling well..and that i had sarah worried last night cas i didnt pick up the phone..and somehow i got it the last time she called..but i had missed all her previous calls...i think i told her what was going on .. i dont remember...im just stressed and worried and scared....very very scared...guess ill go and find out my news today...im tired of hanging on for no good reason...i do know i told sarah i wouldnt  push her away...and i wont...but i need to pull myself together so i can go out..im tired..and depressed and just ..i dont know right now...

i really am naive....

as my world crumbles around me ... i really dont know what to say...what to think...what to do....im trying to think and plan and yet all i want to do is shut down and just ignore every single thing...

i should have realized that the whole you wont be seeing your clients for two weeks was a damn ploy to keep me away from my clients...to let them get switched to someone else..before they decided to tell me that i am being let go...all the waiting and asking what in the hell is going on...and it was my client who tells me that she was told i wont be working with her anymore....so that leads to me being back to square one....without a job..wondering what in the hell i have done wrong this time...if it is based solely on me not turning in my paperwork then again everyone else should be fired too...why am i the one that is picked out and picked on for no reason...and yes i guess had i been smarter i would have realized that what i was overhearing was the plans being made for my replacement to come in....geez at least tell me before hand and dont lead me on...hopeless and dejected juts dont even begin to cover how i am feeling right now...

it was my client who told me that she had been told i wasn't going to be working with her anymore...not my supervisors..not the office person..not the directors...no it was my client ... and then i called one of my supervisors and asked what was going on...and she told me that the recommendation was for me to be let go...ok fine..what is the basis for me being let go?  what rule did i break?  what did i not do except paperwork?  call all of my clients and let them tell you that i have been to see them..that i am working with them....but no...my client called me crying because of what she had been told..information that i hadnt even been told yet..and i couldnt deny or validate anything that was said...my clients are being hurt and i cant do anything about it..

and so i willingly will mess up my no cutting record..because that is all that i can think of to do inorder to not feel anything at all

fears...there is no peace..

i guess i knew this was coming...the ability to break down and still smile and as my mood goes down my desire to stay safe goes with it...i have no plans to die but pain can happen in a lot of different ways..and im just tired...really very tired of struggling and messing up and then just struggling again...im not blaming anyone for my situation..im not looking for pity either...but i have learned once again that it is better to just keep quiet...because there is no help..there is nothing at all..and so i already am worried about how to manage...what i need to do..will i be homeless?  will i have a job?  will i be able to manage? ii really am very very stupid ..and i ended up getting denise in trouble by accident today and i didnt mean to do that at all..i really didnt ...but i guess i have run out of good wishes, second chances..anything and everything...and im done...and ill have all week to just think about all of it...and stress and worry..and now i truly am alone with this..mommy is looking for money from me and im like..i dont have anything..right now...i dont have anything for anyone right now...i think after my meeting tomorrow ill juts hide for the rest of the week..there is really no need to see anyone at all..i have nothing to say..i cant help anyone..i cant even help myself right this minute....and all i can think is that this all just counts as complaining..that im afraid ill be in trouble for saying anything, writing anything...that when i say i need to be quiet then that means all communication is cut off...all of it...but i just cant be quiet..and i feel that i need to be punished because i have forgotten the old rules...i talk to much... and i know better...i really do know better...

as predicted...

i am the one left looking stupid..because once again im told one thing ..that obviously was not passed along..and so i tell my people to call the office..and i end up getting yelled at....im tired of this

just frustrated

 

my self esteem has taken a massive hit....work related completely...im feeling useless and hopeless and frustrated and angry and just plain pissed off..again i am the scape goat..the one treated differently..the one stuck and forced to play by the rules that i dont even know.. im angry that im not allowed to work..and that i cant get a clear answer on when i will be able to ...im tired of calling and emailing and texting and no one telling me anything...will i end up looking stupid when im asked why i havent seen  clients and its like well..my supervisor told me that i wasnt allowed to see clients on either side for two weeks...not my fault i guess if no one else knew this information..because no one (well one person) came to my aide in regards to my paycheck that i got today at least...but other wise...no help has been provided...and the thing is i already know im passive aggressive.and so i get mad and then i get depressed and then i find some way to act out without obviously acting out....and ugh..i guess it will be back to the basics for now food wise..and only going out and driving when i absolutely have too..since i wont know i guess until tomorrow when ill even be able to expect a check...because iif its been three weeks without working at all..then i can pretty much expect that it will most likely be may before i  get paid again...so cats will come first...then meds...food will be last ...and i will just manage ... just really frustrated right now...yes its my punishment i guess...and ill take it and deal with it...but right now it just sucks royally...and im still stuck...

my head hurts..so vvery much right now...i will go back to hiding from the world ... 

i dont feel good

ok. there ive said it..i am feeling incredibly miserable and just achy today...i want to lay down but i need to go to the store..ugh..

ok lets be honest for a minute...

been doing a lot of thinking..and well i dont know yet how i want things to turn out...you know the saying that if things keep happening that maybe its you and not whats going on around you? maybe i am the problem with my jobs...maybe im not trying hard enough or not caring..yes the mental stuff gets in the way a lot..but i dont want to apply for disability..i can work...i can, but i keep messing up..making the wrong choices...not turning stuff in...am i making my own chaos? am i keeping myself completely stuck in this mess ??? i havent been changing jobs a lot you know and the ones i have left or had to leave have all been because of me going against some policy i guess..but why cant i keep a job? and then the ones that i am able to keep..i dont try at anymore because i dont like the work anymore...maybe i should focus on that whole be all you can be at one job and not focus on leaving it..but me not turning my work in isnt the only reason i dont like the current job that i am at...the way the company is run is not for me...im afraid of the women in charge...and there is no communication at all..and it feels like im only really contacted when they need something from me...but if something is late then it is my fault for not knowing ..and not getting things turned in..but when no one is telling me anything how am i supposed to know??? im not allowed to get the charts..my job is contract so i dont even have to go into the office..but the only way to access the charts and things are to go to the office...but i dont like being in the office...i am not comfortable there..and i still dont like the fact that i was referred to as 'that girl' .... i just dont know if its me ..or if i am just some how constantly sabotaging myself with the whole work thing...have i truly created this entire mess and it really completely and truly is all my fault ?


and i really dont know who to even talk to about any of this because once again i am the last one to clue in on what is actually going on and what is wrong..and what is at the bottom of all of this ..and as much as i want to call kathy and talk to her..i know what she is going to ask me...she will ask me what am i getting out of it..that if im doing whatever it is that i am doing..then there is some reward im getting, some payoff, SOMETHING is making me do what i am doing or not doing...but what is it...am i punishing myself ? is it just pure and simple sabotage? is there some point that i am trying to prove to myself or to everyone else? i dont know... i really dont...i hate being in trouble at work..i hate being behind...im not settled right now..and i know that is affecting a lot of things..but even going back to why im not settled is a big glaring sign that just screams this is a result of my actions...good or bad..its my actions..and now im struggling and trying and not trying and giving up every other day...and am frustrated beyond belief because i dont know what i am going to do..or how im going to manage...and it makes me want to cry and scream and throw things...

but im obviously doing so well without therapy...god i want to just go yell at my old therapist and tell her that she forced me out into the world and i wasnt ready yet...and now its like im on a one way quest to prove that i dont need therapy...that i am not going to kill myself...it doesnt matter if the urges to cut are getting stronger some days...it doesnt matter if im taking to much or my meds or not taking them at all...hey do i get brownie points for not getting to the point of throwing up what im eating?!  no i dont want to be positive..i want to be in a bad mood ..but that is all my fault too because i am supposedly in control of my own thinking and what not..and so if im in a bad mood then it is my responsibility to make it better or change it or something..and im all out of freaking ideas...and so the old stuff comes back...dont talk...dont say anything is wrong..do what i need to do and just keep going ...because nothing else is important..im supposed to be a fuctioning member of society ..and well i guess that is the goal i am suppsoed to have...craziness be damned....that is going to have to go away..and i say that and know it wont...its been so long..dealing with myself..that i know the depression and all of that isnt going anywhere..it has its days when it lessens and some of the weight is off of my shoulders..but in general .. no... in general im just a sad pathetic person and i wonder if i actually have the right to live...but that is the part of things that no one wants to hear about..that is to difficult to talk about...i have managed to screw things up for my entire life..what makes now any different at all? 

maybe ill go to sleep..and not think..maybe ill just zone out...maybe ill just do something to make my mood worse ... im hiding out today...i may hide out next week..since my supervisor wont tell me what i can and cant do work wise...so ill be left to my own devices .... and that never leads to anything good ...after a while...

negative thoughts are winning out today..and im tired of all of it

its in the way she smiles....

i wish i could be normal in a relationship...i am ashamed that my emotional level at times is that of a child and i cant help it...im ashamed that asking for what i want when it come to more intimate things that i get so embarrassed ... i just wish things had been different growing up..that i wasnt so broken now..and confused..and not understanding how to put things into words that make sense to someone else...

and maybe i just noticed it more tonight for some reason ... i was laying down with her and no i wasnt afraid..i was safe..going to fall off the bed but safe...i like being held but  i would never admit it...it is a never ending urge to have physical contact..just to know that she is there..and since that cant happen ..i think somewhere in my head..i get scared .. because i want to be around her all the time..because she calms my head..calms my mind..and then manages to get me so distracted i think i go cross eyed at times..but it really is the little things...like getting a hug when im upset and crying..or just laying down and not even talking but just physically being near her..doing things that make her smile...or the fact that she will watch endless episodes of spongebob just because it helps me when im having a bad day or something... its the little kisses and holding my hand that lets me know ..well lets me feel important to her...

i know i have a lot of trouble expressing myself with like relationship stuff..i dont know what i want to know..or what i want to be reassured about...i wonder if maybe i do things wrong .. or i mess things up.and again there is no healthy track record for me to bounce back on..no experience..no past relationships..there is nothing...and i guess my all goes into self esteem and what not...that i wonder why me...what about me makes me want me so much..what is it that allows her to love me...when i just look in the mirror and see nothing special at all... im just me..whoever that is...and i know some things really dont have an answer..that things just kinda click the right way..that things juts kinda work...i know that in relationships you have to talk ... if something happens or you want something or whatever it is ... you have to talk about your fears and hopes and wants and dreams..talk about the good and the not so good..the struggles and the fun....i dont know....maybe if i sleep on it then it will make more sense in the morning...

side note...the lword tonight had me ready to go insane..dang show...embarrassment, fascination, desire, etc...sometimes i really do forget how old i am..and i have to remind myself that im not doing anything wrong

right sleep...heres hoping for no nosebleeds stupid allergies

cant sleep

i cant think..my thinking is going so fast right now. i want to sleep and instead im up thinking..but i dont even know about what..some of everything..some of nothing..bored tired and slightly sickish..i want my donut but im afraid i will be sick if i eat it..so im juts laying here listening to music and tv and trying to get comfortable and all of that...i do know why im awake though..only took like 3 hours to figure it out..but all the same im up..ughcan i sleep.. please

ok a little proud

http://www.rrs4hope.com/  

normally i would rant and moan and not say anything about it..but this time i actually smiled when i saw the newsletter ... i did :)


but the newsletter is on the front page of the website..you can download it and read it ..if you want

job interview

 went to the interview today and it was a group interview..and in my mind I was thinking it would be a group of them asking me questions and what not...but no...it was a group of interviews and a group of them..and we were all interviewed at the same time....and I really truly don't know if I did good or not once I figured out wewould all be in there together..i tried to hold it together and be present and make eye contact and answer... the questions...but at the same time I kept comparing my answers to there..was I wrong ? did I leave something out? I should have said something else ... im so frustrated because I really cant tell..there was a written part too and I think I did ok on that..but there were 7 of us interviewing for 2 positions....im trying so hard to be positive..but im scared I messed up..

hate

i hate everything today
i hate myself
i hate the weather
i hate the sounds of the cat eating and her bell thing
i hate the birds
i hate breathing right this minute....

guessing i woke up on the wrong side of the planet today...maybe staying home is a good idea....

angry....so so angry

so ive been told that my check will be getting held back..next week....i want to scream bloody murder..curse and rant and rave and just hit something....i dont like being told that i need to come in so things can be discussed..if im fired juts fire me..but no i get to wait until tomorrow to find out what will be happening i guess...or what is already happened...either way..im already missing one pay check...but now im going to have another possibly held...what in the hell do they (on that side of the office) think i am going to do..where im going to live...

because yes this makes me want to turn in my work all the more .... freekin freekin gosh i want to curse and yell at someone.... i need to go home...i really need to go home...

because everything will be once again screwed all up...may end up having to tell sarah i cant go to vabeach with her..i dont know yet...i cant think right now...i really cant ...

stupid appointment/exam from earlier hasnt helped anything at all...im sick of life right now..and if i have to borrow money from mommy i may as well just go ahead and kill myself and get it over and done with...the urge to do awful things are filling up my head right now....

fav picture of sarah