todays quotes

People doubt their significance in times of life's misfortunes. During those days, we must remind ourselves that -- unlike the pebble in the pond -- hope can still create ripples of courage even if we hit rock bottom. ~Dodinsky

 

The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it. ~ Wendell Berry

 

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others. ~ Jacob M Braude

strangely focused ..but underlying sadness

i have finally today stopped putting off cleaning and everything..heather is having an apprasial this week and well i dont want them to get low marks or anything on my account..that would so stink..and so yeah i was asked pretty straightforwardly to clean up and everything and well with everything that has gone on this week i didnt do it..until today...and well the cleaning has made me feel very very sad...like in cleaning everything i am somehow erasing the fact that dusti was ever here ..and that makes me feel very sad at at an odds about things..i mean yeah it was good to clean and kinda air out the room..get rid of the germs that may have been lingering around..with bounce playing in everything..and i can understand that it is good to clean up really well after a sick animal..but it also just makes me sad..and so i had to stop and write because the feelings are well a little overpowering right now...like some how i am feeling happy or ok or in a good mood and that its not fair for me to be feeling this way when i just lost dusti...regardless of her being a cat..she was my family..my best friend..i considered her as human as anyone else..and her being gone is really very hard..and does feel like a part of me ahs died with her..and well its like just sad feelings now that come and go..and im trying to deal with them and not focus on them to much..cas i have to go to work this week..and i cant slack off anymore and so i have to get my head together :(

in other news..i may have a new job at the end of the week..residential job...steady pay...40 + hours a week..and im excited about it..and i am walking into it with my eyes wide open..ive been with girls groups and i know how they work and how the attitudes and snippiness..and well just flat out bitching can happen at the drop of a hat...but its all stuff ive dealt with before..and well i can do it again..and i have learned a lot since my other residential job..and so im not afraid that i cant do the job or anything..im afraid to start over again..to be in a new enviroment...but i know that i need to get out of the inhome enviroment for a while..i just kinda want a safe stable job..that i can depend on and that i will work at ..and that i will have benefits on..thats all i want..and if i get this job...( which i have been offered pending my background check) then things will change a lot..things will be more stable..i will be more stable..i will have more money..well kinda ..pay wise..its less than im making now..but the steady hurs are better..so i think it will equal out..and plus i will be able to get extra time and stuff through over time..so that is prefectly fine..plus ill be able to get sick ppay, vacation time..etc ...like a real job ..and that is what i think i need to get back into...plus ill be on the early shift and that makes things better..once i know i have the job..then ill have to look at moving and getting caught up with bills and everything..which ill be able to do then...no problem..but job first ..then apartment...then moving..and then by all means i hope ill have stability...since june of last year i think that is what has been missing..the stability..the knowing that i have a paycheck coming that i can count on..and depend on...the knowing that i can truly take care of myself again..that i will be able to truly keep up and not be chasing down checks..the pros outweigh the cons..i liked the steadiness of the other residential job..and today i have to wonder how long i would have been there if i hadnt messeed up...i wonder how things would have turned out...and i know that i cant look at the past now..i know i have to move on from them..and the mistakes i made because i have learned from them..i have learned a lot from the jobs i have had..i have learned to take responsibility for things i have done or not done..and i know that giving up doesnt help anything at all..and that regardless of everything i am still here..i am still trying...im trying so hard to just discover my own space..discover who i am..find the level of adult competence that i seem to avoid like the plague...because linda says that it is in there..and that i am doing adult things..but that the kid parts of me are still running rampant..and that i am staying in mommys control...and i think that the mommy issues are the ones that i shut down on the most..and well i know i am making small changes with things...but that there is still a long way to go with all of that..but im trying ..a little at a time . thats all i can do...-sigh-  its like things are changing..for the better...but still the wariness of it all weighs on me..what if something happens and i mess up..what if i dont get the job or cant find a place to live...so many if's to deal with and figure out...and it makes me feel so very confused and lost...

mommy mentioned that i could get another cat...and i know now that i will at some point..but i also realize that i am not in the frame of mind right now to get another cat..im not finacially able to get another cat..and it will most likely be the end of the year/beginning of next year before i get another cat...before bounce gets to be an old fart lol..that way they will be able to play and both have energy to burn...but i know that i will need time...a lot of time i think..to be able to move past dusti...and again it can be a learning expereince...you know i knew dusti wasnt eating..i knew she was losing weight..i had talked about it with others..i didnt ignore it..but i didnt have the funds..and then when both bounce and dusti started to have issues i took them both to the vet..i borrowed..begged..pleaded to borrow money from everyone..and got them to the vet..and it was at the vet..where they could help her that we discovered ujst how sick dusti was...i wonder what would have happened if i had put it off..what would have happened if i had just waited a little longer...because it was the stress of going to the vet that brought all of dustis issues to the service..and i realize that she had been sick for quite a while..i dont know how..or why..but she was sick..and i just couldnt figure out what was wrong..and then i did know and it was sad..very sad...i cried a lot last week...i felt guilty and blamed myself and just went through all sorts of emotions..and it took even more to realize that i needed to be able to let dusti go..and that it was going to hurt more than anything else..but she was sick and i just couldnt keep forcing the food and medcine..i couldnt deal with seeing her just laying there with no energy..she stopped fighting me..when i picked her up..she stopped reacting when i rubbed her...she couldnt breathe..she couldnt move...and i couldnt let her live like that..i couldnt...and so when i got her back to the vet..thankfully i wasnt dealing with all of this alone..because heather was there to help and ask questions and all of that too...and i let them put her to sleep..i was there till the very end..i got to say goodbye...i held on to her for as long as i could..i petted her and poured all the love i had for her into her and was able to say goodbye..i have found some good pictures of dusti that i am going to put into a frame and keep forever...i like to think that dusti had a good life..and that she was loved and taken care of..and now i am just in the process of letting her go ...it doesnt hurt so much today..but today i am remembering her vividly..and i am missing her lots...but i wont forget her...never

mommy is pushing hard lately for me to realize how lucky i am..how well i have things..and it frustrates me to no end...i realize that on some levels yes i am lucky...yes i understand that i have my family..that they will help..and they all did help when dusti was sick..they were sad when she died..they knew she meant a lot to me..and they were all supportive...i am talking more to my sister now..and talking more to mommy about some things..mommy still addrsses the cutting as (doing that) or (hurting myself)...and implies that im still doing it when im not...gosh how long as it been since ive cut?  last week was certainly hard in that department..but didnt give in..was able to move past that...and i get so confused sometimes about my family..about mommy and how i feel about her...i dont know if i love her or like her or hate her..i dont know..the good is mixed in with the bad..she is supportive but she takes it overboard...am i supposed to let the old stuff go? and just focus on the now?  am i supposed to forget all of the hitting and yelling and  screaming and other stuff?   am i supposed to let go of the fact that she told me fairly straight forwardly that she would kill me..as she held a knife to my throat...and then all the underhanded manipulation..of upsetting me on purpose..of bribing me and guilting me into doing what she wants...of controlling what i do both with my life and with my money...how can i forget all of that for a few months of kinda sometimes support?  how can i build a relationship on the now stuff and just lef go of the old stuff...because i am slowly talking to linda and at some point its all going to be out on the table..and maybe linda can help me make sense of my craziness...i dont know how to see my family..how to deal with my family...i dont feel like i connect with my family at all..maybe thats the problem..that i am a member of a family that i dont feel i fit into becasue im so different..so crazy..so quiet...and so in control of my reactions...at home its a no reaction to anything type deal..hiding and pretending are important aspects of being at home...mommy rules at home and that has not changed..and i go home and fall back into the trap..i go back to thinking about how worthless and stupid i am..and i hate that..i hate that she can push my buttons so easily and that i let her...i do let her and i hate that too...i think i need to start taking some of my writing to linda..maybe it would be helpful for her to know some of my conflicting thoughts and feelings...although i am completely ashamed of my last time with linda and what i said before leaving her ...i cant believe i lost control like that..and i also cant believe that i have not been punished for allowing what was said to be said...i spend so much time not touching my real feelings or hiding from them..and i had the nerve to blurt out that i would some things on purpose and that i couldnt get better..and all of that..my deep personal thoughts came bursting out of me..and i realize i was trying to explain..trying to make her see...but i dont know what i wanted her to see..i dont know what i wanted her to say..and i most certainly dont know what i need from her..i wish i knew though...but i dont ..i know i dont want her for a parent..a mom...but i think i want more than just therapist...im not sure though..and that confuses me too..i wish i knew what i wanted..but things just get all hazy and not of focus when i think of wants and needs and all of that..and it makes me anxious...im so used to just fufilling others needs..im just used to helping others..i dont want to help myself..i dont know how to help myself..and it frustrates me...but im nervous about seeing her this week..and im nervous about what she will tell me..because somewhere in my head i dont think im going to like what she will say..i dont think i want to hear what she is going to say..and i guess im wondering if she thinks im completely crazy..completely out of my mind crazy..and it scares me because i try so hard to just seem normal and in control and well not crazy..but my thoughts are crazy most of the time..i feel crazy most of the time..but that doesnt mean that i want someone else to know that about me..because that counts as losing control..and i dont like that...thats why i work so so very hard to be quiet..to be silent..to say just enough to get someone to believe what i am saying..and what im feeling...but then i have to realize that i also know all the therapy stuff..i know how to analyze..and i go out of my way to not like use my knowledge against my docs..ireally do..there are times that i just play stupid..and i let someone tell me something i know..but i dont go in with my own plans or anything..and i wonder if sometimes my degree will be held against me..i dont know..i wonder what it means to be better..to get better...and im afraid of it..im afraid that ill be expected to not need support or anything...and that ill just kinda fade away..its so weird though...cas one of my biggest fears is being forgotten..but then i go out of my way to be quiet and not noticed..and everything..and i thought that without the cutting i would be nothing..a nobody..there was nothing that singled me out to be noticed for the attention i didnt want..and i have stopped cutting ..and im noticed or not noticed about the same...but for some reason i have developed the same feelings ..thoughts to not having constant therapy...and i dont know how to explain it to linda...maybe its just as simple as saying that im not ready to be out of therapy..and logically yeah im not ready cas theres a lot of junk going on...and thats prolly why the every other week freaked me out so bad..i mean yeah i can manage without therapy but i dont want to..i dont have anyone else to really truly talk to about stuff..and about what im feeling and all of that..and so not seeing linda makes me feel afraid for myself and what ill do.because there is truth in that ill create crisis so that she will see me and help me...i know that i will sabotage any and everything to create problems...yeah that is true..and so so so very well crazy...ugh

and so i guess its just a lot of worries right now in my head..and so many decisions to make and life with..one thing at a time ..but i feel a it overwhelmed with it all...and just a little on edge...its like i have so much to do and so much to get done and not enough time to do anything..and that scares me..a lot..

i know i need to have a game plan..a schedule of what i need to get done and when..im slowly developing a budget and getting lists together of who i owe what and what money i have coming in and all of that...i have so much to work on money wise...and i know that within feb ill have to start packing up and looking at moving to my own place..and saying goodbye to heather and nate..and once again moving on...how many times am i going to have to move on?? but there is some excitement with moving..i do miss my stuff..and well being abl to decorate and actually have furniture and set things up is exciting...very exciting..but moving is starting over once again..and well change is really very hard for me..and i tend to freak out..but it is a sad time too..cas ill go back to living alone..and being alone..after living for a few months with other people..and having to talk and stuff..but things have to change i guess..and my stay here is over ..and so that means moving on..and ill have to move on..cas well ive tried in vain to ask to stay ...and  no i wasnt expecting to be able to stay ..but still i asked...no its time for me to go out again on my own..and try again..and well i just kinda refuse for things to be messed up this time...i want things to be better..im ready for things to be better..and so..yeah..that means a job and steady pay and insurance and all of that...essh...


things i have to get done today
laundry
cleaning up room still
putting away all the clothes on my bed
getting some stuff put in my car
dinner
and
doing notes


so what do i have next week...
im waiting to hear about the job
i may or may not have to put in my notice at my current job
i have to go and get a drug screen
i have to see all my clients
i have to complete and turn in all notes
have to pay a few bills (wire in my car note and mommys money)
and i need to take in the apartment info and see what they say

well i guess ive rambled on enough for today...i think i needed to clear my head a bit..and now i have to actually get up and get some more things done...i mean i think ive done pretty good with the room so far..but yeah still some things to do...was feeling a bit sick stomach wise earlier today..and im hoping that is over and done with...but yeah..more things to get done..and so gotta stay focused..for a while longer..and take a break a little later..i mean this has been a decent break and head is feeling a bit better...but yeah...still a lot going on head wise..

im avoiding calling mommy ..which i need to do cas she will just call me a million times until she gets me...and hmm should prolly call nia too and see hows shes doing..i guess my stint of trying to ignore the world is over with for now..an i have to stay engaged and present this week..because there is a lot that i need to do..heck ill go for just staying present in today..and not worrying about any other days..

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!
~ Rocky Balboa--Speaking to his son in Rocky Balboa (2006)

needing to write...

im s ad..i feel like i cant do anything and the sadness is just taking over..if i stop and think i start to cry again..but i cant seem to find any interest in anything at all..work is a struggle ..getting out of bed is a struggle..dusti was my family and its as if my family is partially gone right now..and i know that the world wont stop just for my sadness but i wish it would..i know that i have to get my head back into work and getting stuff done..but im so afraid of things right now..and i want to hide and just have things quiet..i want to think and be ok and not have to feel so sad ..but i am sad..im hurting a lot..and i dont know what to do with the feelings..at all..i struggle to form words right now..and everything is just covered in sadness..dusti is gone..and its hard to move past it right now..its only been what 3 days..and i feel like im being pushed to rejoin the world ..and i dont want too..but i also realize that me trying to stop everything and ignore everything is not going to help anything at all..i dont want to think about getting another cat..not right now..right now i just want to worry about bounce and getting her taken care of making her life enjoyable and fun...i know in the future i will get another cat..but not right now...and now isnt a good time cas of money and stuff anyway..one cat until things settle does is good...but i know bounce will need a play mate..and so another kitten in the future will be good..but for now..its just bounce...i need to get a picture printed out and framed of dusti..i dont know what it will take to move on and to feel happy again... i have moments of happy feelings or i will laugh at something and then ill remember that dusti isnt here anymore and i dont want to be happy anymore..:(  its hard...

but i have a job intterview today...a last minute kinda thing..that im going to go to and try my hardest on...im not holding out much hope for it..but i will go and see how it goes and try my hardest..and then after that i think ill stop by and see my 2 clients that ive been not seeing this week due to being so emotional..and out of it...and then ill have the weekend to have quiet and do whatever..because come monday its back to work full time..and no more slacking off or not turning stuff in..cant do that..ugh..

Dusti - RIP 1/26/2011

Dusti was my best friend. I talked to her about everything and nothing.  She was there with me through a lot of tough times, and a lot of tears and struggling and hard days.  She kept me company when I wanted no one around me.  She went with me through 4 moves, college, and living on my own. I spoiled her, gave her everything she needed or wanted.  I loved her with all of my heart and never wanted to see her hurting.

I took her to the vet today and had to say goodbye.  She was hurting, she was struggling to breathe and to hang on.   I couldn't see her like that, I couldn't keep forcing food and medicine into her and hearing her cry.  I couldn't listen to her struggling to get air in and not be able to help in any way. I couldn't watch her like that and I would never force her to live like that. I had to let her go :( . I wanted her to be at peace. I really hope she knows that I loved her.

my best friend is dying and all i can do is watch :(

how can i feel positive :(  how can i feel hopeful when  i am sitting there watching dusti struggle to breathe..struggle to drink water..refuse to eat..how am i supposed to keep forcing little bits of food down her throat..or forcing medicine down her throat and all she does is lay there and cry and try to force air into her body..i dont know what to do and each day she gets smaller and smaller..she has no energy to fit me anymore..all she does it lay there..and i dont know how to help her..i want to take her to the vet and demand that they fix her..that they tell me whats wrong with her..but even knowing may not help right now..

not in a great space...

i wonder sometimes how it is that i manage to completely hide my craziness from other people..i wonder how it is that no one cas see just how convulated my thoughts can how..how illogical and harmful they are..to me..my thoughts are generally about me..about dying..about hurting..about shame, guilt, fear...continous cycles of thoughts that just cause harm and fear.. and i dont understand how i am not locked up for being a danger to society...where was my control today...i just feel the need to scream and yell at my self for what i talked about in therapy today and im mad ..im upset..because i know it wont be dropped..i know that i started it and now i have to finish it and i just want to scream in frustration for losing my control like that..i realize that the underlying purpose was not present as i was spilling my dark thoughts to linda..something told me to just shut up and let it go but i couldnt..part of me needed her to know that i am a complete nut case .. that i have all of this stuff in my head and no one knows about it and no one can help and it will eat me alive because i spend so much time and energy hiding it and pretending its not there..i have to keep control and i didnt today and it feels like i was toeing the line into saying to much..into revealing to much and i cant let that happen..i cant but now i cant take back my words and i have to deal with it somehow..but i feel afraid and trapped because today i told the complete truth..and i told it calmly and logically .. and by the time i was finished i did feel completely crazy..because my logic is flawed severely because what i talked about today was dangerous..because it pushes the line into being a cause for concern...in a way it made me feel like i am pushing the line to have my needs met and the problem is that i dont know what need it is..i dont know what need it is that i want linda to fill for me..i just know that it has to come from her and that i dont know how to get it from anyone else..last week i did struggle with thinking i needed to create a crisis, i wanted her attention..i wanted to demand her attention..and well hell i got her attention today and i wasnt even trying to i dont think..i dont know..sometimes i dont understand what it is that i want or what it is that im going for..but today i feel like i talked in circles..i know i revealed to much..on that i am sure...but i also feel like i pulled away from it enough to be able to talk about it quite calmly..i truly dont think that i am codependent on linda..because i can leave after the appointment and move on from her..not always able to move on from what we talk about but i can move on from her..

hmm so much in my head right now..but i gotta get some work done...

not a positive week

back to feeling like a complete nut case..very scared and worried for dusti and have to call the doc today..and trying to prepare for that..and just avoiding things right now cas of waiting until its time to call..scared of the news..worried for the news...really wanting to talk to t but have to wait for tomorrow..and just feeling on edge and anxious...and scared

i havent felt like writing at all :(


dusti is very sick and in the hospital..and after spending two days crying my eyes out..i had a sorta good day yesterday and now today the constant crying is back..-sigh-  im just scared..and worried...hoping for good news you know..but very scared...

and then all the stuff in t and all of that melt down..and then not having the right meds..and yeah..its been a mess of a week...it really has...and im hoping this week is better...if i dont do my work stuff this morning ill be fired..which wouldnt be good..so im about to start all of that..and i know ill be able to get it done..i just ugh..need to catch up yet again..and i will...i want to keep my job..so i need to do my job..and unfortunately my job involves paperwork..and so yeah..no fun but i gotta quit slacking off on it..and just get it done like im supposed to...so yeah...suckish..but oh well...so yeah all late stuff has gotta be turned in today..and ill go from there...

and yeah gotta work on a new apartment all of that in the coming weeks..by the 1st of march im gonna have to have a game plan..and im gonna have to work on sticking to it and not giving up..so back to apartment searching..and perferably finding one with a month of free rent..that would be awesome and give me some extra time to catch up on money and stuff...yeah..cas this time im going carefully and ill be alone so i have to have a steady plan..and not let unexpected things get in the way..if i want to stay in va then i have to act like im going to stay in va...and i have to start working on things like im going to be staying..and not just kinda pretending thing will just fall into place..unfortunately the world does not work like that..and i think i keep getting myself to think that it does..like things are going to just fall into my lap because i want them to and not because of hard work...now ive got to start working on stuff...yeah...thats the plan...

choices...make me a failure

today im left wondering if i have tried hard enough to get things worked out here in va...i feel stupid and very much like a child right now..i wonder if i have just continued to mess things up for myself and i just need to go ahead and give up and move home...thats where things are going right now...moving home...and ive cried for the past hour thinking about this and hoping that it wont happen and at the same time beginning to prepare for it to happen...

my time is pretty much up at heathers house..and she let me know this morning ...we were texting back and forth this morning and it turned into a convo about money and me moving and how i was going to work things out...and it ended up with me feeling like she thinks that its all my fault and that i just dont manage my money and that i didnt save..and now im out of time and now i just kinda need to figure out where im going and move there..whether it be home or not... and i feel pressured..and out of luck and resources and everything..and i dont know what to do right now..i completely gave up hope today..i dont feel like i can manage..i feel like i am worthless and that i have yet again failed completely..at trying to live on my own..and i just feel like trying to make it on my own is just a waste of time and that i need to just go ahead and give up and go home...and that could happen in the next month and a half...if im going home i will be home by march..and thats the end of that..if i move to my own place in richmond it will be by march..and pretty much feb is my last chance to get money and to get things paid and get enough money to move...and i have to figure out what im going to do..and i dont knowwhat to do..i want to just shut down and stop thinking about all of this...im stuck right now..and very very tearful and upset...

i feel like i have tried my hardest..yes there have been times that i completely wasted my money..and then there are times when i have worked with nothing...my parttime job for this month has given me less than 600 dollars and my old job has flaked on my last checks..what am i supposed to do with that?  how am i supposed to manage with that?  and then i have medical costs..therapist costs...unexpected costs...im had to get my car repaired..ive had to pay my tickets..and court costs..ive worked with getting my checks weeks late..and yes im still behind becuase of that...im sorry im continuing to fail in all of this.. and that im still struggling ..and i cant expect a married couple who have there own lives to continue to help me and allow me to live in there home..i know it was short term..i understand it was short term..and i havent been able to catch up and so that means i need to figure out what im going to do..and i have to figure it out fast..

and now dusti and bounce are sick..and i need to take them to the vet..and yes i called my brothers and sisters to borrow money because i dont have it..and i wont have the money until the 1st of next month..and i dont think i can wait until then..im scared for them..and i dont like them not feeling well...i dont like that heather and her husband both think that i am irresponsible and that i cant manage my life ..a.dn i guess to them i dont have it together..and i dont have a plan or good stable finances or anything and so im just kinda floundering around and not making progress or anything .. and its hard..and i do feel like im failing ...i do..and i guess im not getting the validation that i am trying hard enough or any of that ..and it stinks because i just keep ending up feeling like a failure..i am a failure

not the best day...

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life." ~ Golda Meir

 

 

i feel the need to make sure i remember this...today has been one of those days that i wish never happened...work was one big ball of stress and being in the hospital ALL freakin day helped nothing...to many people..to much waiting...just to much to process and take in .. 

finally was able to take my client home and i came home..but i had to make a couple stops ..and i just kept getting turned around and messed up and everything was starting to get to me and i was just tired and hungry and mood just took a major nose dive...i became anxious..overly anxious..i became angry..like majorly just mad .. i couldnt think..i couldnt drive..i couldnt do anything...part of it was being told that my check is i dont know where..and im almost at the point of just saying screw it and im done with them..and waiting around for my checks..i am..im frustrated and stuck and waiting isnt helping me do shit..and its just upsetting me..and of course the boss wont call me freakin back..and the other part of it is that my meds are messed up right now..im out of lexapro..the pharmacist lied to me and im mad mad mad at that...the insurance wouldnt fill the whole prescription for my lexapro and she told me to come back and just pick up the rest..i go and they wont fill it..and i have to wait until saturday to be able to get it filled..and i didnt know that was what was going to happen..cas if i had then i would have not taken the entire dose each day and stretched it out..but no i thought i could get the refill and be ok..but no and now im out and im going crazy..i feel like a drug addict..i was ready to jump the pharmacist..i was ready to cry and i felt so out of control and unsafe..and being told i cant get my meds makes me feel all the more worse..and im worried...its like i keep thinking 'if you cant say anything nice then don't say anything at all'..ill be sitting in silence for the next couple days then..because i dont feel like i can control myself..or my words..or anything..i feel like i need to trap myself in silence to make sure i don't do or say anything stupid.. my usual be nice and considerate censors arent working right now it seems..and yeah..being quiet is just better..and easier..just gotta get through work tomorrow and friday..ugh..

more collages..

the first one and the 4th were made this morning...the others i made a few weeks ago...need to get some feelings out..and words just werent doing it...i still feel that there is something trapped that i need to get out..but i havent yet found the right pictures to portray it ...gonna have to hunt down some more magazines..

a little upset...

im feeling pretty invalidated right now :(  and its bothering me..so im writing about it... i realize that sometimes i react first and think later...whats so wrong with that ??? i needed to get my feelings out yesterday..i needed to be over the top and upset and sad and all of that..i know what is going on isnt the end of the world and i dont appreciate being told that at all..i dont like it being implied that i have managed worse and so this is nothing..that makes me upset and makes it seem like my current stress just isnt important at all.. and i guess i know it wasnt done in a way to be mean or anything but it hurt all the same..because it was real for me..it was hard yesterday and i just wanted a little support not a lecture...yes i knew i would calm down and be able to think through the issues..i knew i would realize eventually that it would be ok and it would work out..and i dont know..just bothered by a reply and maybe im looking to deeply into it..i dont know..i just felt like a child reading it..and i dont like that..and so yeah..gonna just work on letting it go..cas if i dwell on it then it wont be a good thing...-sigh-

because yes i freaked yesterday..and you know what i dont care..it was all overwhelming yesterday and i reacted ..whats so bad about that ?? ugh..  yes im feeling more ok today..a bit sad but no where near the mess i was yesterday..gosh i just needed time to calm down and think through it all..and i ijust needed a little time to process you know...blah..im just a bit annoyed..and tired from not sleeping .. essh..glad today is a short day work wise...im tired

a few steps back :(

feeling a bit crummy today...pdoc and t both told me i sound sick cant beat this it seems...was having a bit of trouble breathing..well getting in enough air and trying to talk at the same time frustrating to not be feeling better..i dont know..trying to avoid the doc but if it keeps up im gonna really have to go..and the resistance im getting to the doc and going is massive and a little overwhelming..but i am able to breathe right now..but yeah i can tell that my body is working pretty hard to get air in and all of that..i dont think im gonna see my client tonight and reschedule for friday again...body is worn out..and instead im gonna sit in the office and get work done...cas that keeps me still and in one place and all of that fun stuff..and well i dont want to drive a lot right now cas of not feeling so great...bodywise i feel like im just going to fall apart at the seams ....

saw pdoc and t today..and i just managed to get to pdoc and not be late lol..although darn it for the whole 5 minustes i was in her office! but she just gave me more scripts and i told her that im doing ok and dont want to deal with any med changes for now..so not much to talk about it her..and then saw t and it was well a mess...she is changing offices next month and that is really bothering me a lot..like a lot a lot..and i dont know what to do about it..because on the surface i can see and understand that i am overreacting...but inside its a big deal..and its a change..and no no no..was ready to cry in her office cas of the immediate overwhelming feelings and fear that was associated around all of that...i dont know what the major underlying problem is though..i cant get my head to stop and think long enough to even begin to figure out what the major problem is..because it was causing a shut down..like couldnt deal with..and a few times she asked if i was even listening to her...and that in turn lead to talking about feeling trapped and mommy..and mentioned something about being physically held and not allowed to move but didnt go into details about that and im hoping that it passed by t ..and i wont have to talk about it later ..but knowing t she caught it but didnt ask me about it...and then we had to talk about the insurance part of things and she mentioned me going down to every other week which also led to panic..and immediately feeling like i needed to be in crisis so that i can keep seeing her..and feeling like she didnt like me cas she is changing things and trying to not see me..and i know that the way im thinking isnt true in the slightest..but well logic is not my friend right now..and i told t that i would feel overwhelmed later once i have been able to think about things and process..and all of that..and already i feel sad and closed off...i dont want to be around anyone and if i had my way i would be like at home hiding under the blankets crying..and it is taking a lot of self control to even stay in the office right now because i really do want to run and hide and not deal with any of this..because its upsetting..all we talked about today is upsetting and im mad at t for upsetting me..i just want things to stay the way they are and not change..but things are changing and i dont like that...it makes me feel so inadequate to deal with my life..and i feel like im not needing the support any more..and now im going to go out of my way to make sure i get it..and that means doing stupid stuff knowing that i will get a reaction..i want someone to react to me to notice me...all of this getting better..of dealing and coping and growing up..is throwing me for a loop and i feel like ill just get so much better that i wont even be here anymore..no one will notice me or see me..or want anything to do with me..and it makes me not want to be better and dealing with stuff...i dont want t to tell me that she can see the progress in me..i dont want pdoc to tell me that i dont have to come back for 3 months because im managing..i dont want to be better anymore i dont want to not be able to see t..i dont want to not have support or anyone to listen to me anymore ok i think ill go and hide now..

cool cake..minus a slice lol

so i made this cake yesterday for heathers birthday surprise...since im broke..and all of that i decided to mamke a cake and i know she likes chocolate...so i made her a cookies and cream cake :)  chocolate inside...two types of iciing, and loads and loads of cookie crumblies lol! gosh it was a mess making it...like and then the cake wouldnt ice right and one little corner kept wanting to pull off and ugh it was frustrating..so then my bright idea was to just layer on the icing and not try to smooth it out and then cover up all of it with cookie pieces !  its my first time doing this..so this is the outcome...i didnt get a picture of the huge mess i made..and when we cut into it today ill be sure to take a picture of a slice :)  ok maybe i got a little bit of the mess lol ..im hoping that it taste good!

rather stupid thing...

today is a holiday..and one of my clients cancelled on me..no big deal..but i had scheduled seeing another client this afternoon cas of being in town and now that im not i see no point in taking the hour drive into town at all..ugh..im trying to figure out what to do about it...reschedule and save the gas??  gosh that makes sense...or just go and get it done with...blah...cant decide..i know i dont have the money though to make the drive..i truly dont...ugh

yuck yuck.double yuck

well im feeling almost normal again today..not at 100% better yet..but much better than the past few days...i can breathe again! yay..

feeling super tired though right now and ready to go to bed and its not even 8pm yet! i didnt nap today so that is something..but yeah..still kinda worn down i think...major bad food choices this week and just trying to let it go and move on..you know cas i know ive been sick and not eating right at all..and well this morning i went to the store intending to go grocery shopping and didnt want anything at all..got some junk food and even that was a bit forced..essh..and right now all i want is mcdonalds and im trying to decide if im tired or not and if i want todrive to get some food..but im hungry and dont want anything in the house..and wanting to munch and ugh...its frustrating a bit...but i know that the need for comfort food and immiediate gratification is super high right now..and i guess it could be worse...today just overall hasnt been a good dday food wise...


im kinda ready for the wekk to get started..tomorrow is a holiday but i still have to work with one client kinda..and then doing paperwork..and hopefully laundry tonight and early tomorrow before heather and nate get back into town...im working on a special cake for heather cas her birthday was today..and well i have no money for presents..so making her an oreo cake..which is really just loads of chocolate in the form of cake lol..but im hoping she like it...at some point tonight ill have to crush oreos..and im sure ill have lots of fun with that !  and just picked up a couple birthday cards...

slightly bussy week i think..gotta catch up on paperwork and get it all turned in though..for both jobs so that ill have that not haning over my head...plus im getting more hours so that means staying on top of the ppaper work..and not slacking off..but this week ill have 3 clients...possibly between 30 - 35 hours this week!!!  yes..and t and pdoc..and yeah..lots of running around..but it will keep me busy i hope...yep..

hmm guess thats about all for now...im glad im feeling better..but i know im still going to be sleeping alot for the next few days..i mean for part of last week i was sleep every night by 7!!!  yea i was sick :(

sick and miserable

well the title speaks for itself...im sick and have been for a few days..i feel awful and miserable and just all out of sorts and tired and cranky and yeah :(  story of my life ...just want to sleep

whats going on??

head is in a very very weird space today..ugh...im tired ..and i know that is making me a bit cranky to put it nicely..i couldnt sleep last night..and really just kinda watched the time go by...couldnt focus...went from watching tv to playing on the computer..looking up random info...planning for future things...just doing a lot of stuff that i didnt need to do and not doing the stuff i did need to do...have i mentioned that i have a massive headache right now ?

this weekend i will be by myself and i think that is making me feel really nervous...i almost cant remember the last time i had a group of days to myself at heathers house..i know they went out of town in nov of last year but that feels like forever ago..and i dont know..just kinda used to someone always being around now..and there always being someone in the house..or i know they are coming back..i mean ive been in the house alone you know..but like i dont know..just nervous..i know ill be ok but the worry is there..wow im freaked about being alone..that hasnt happened in a while..essh

there is snow coming to va tonight and tomorrow..and im hoping majorly for a snow day! i really am..even though i had one over the weekend lol..i want another one..i want to sleep all day..but ill have work to get caught up on..and well if it snows like the weather report says it will then that means no t tomorrow..and that will be very sad :( i dont drive when it is actually snowing..not in my car..and most definitely not with my windshield being cracked the way it is...not gonna happen..because i just freak out..and freaking out leads to mistakes and accidents and gosh my car is already holding on for its dear life..i dont need to send it to an early demise...so yeah..if its snowing tomorrow morning my butt will be at home..maybe ill work on a collage tomorrow...really needing to get some stuff outta my head..and i feel the sad thoughts becoming a little overwhelming..


and not doing paperwork right now so i guess ill go and do something productive...im going to check out a couple apartment places and see..if any are promising.

blah...very distracted and tired right now..and its not turning into a good day for work...essh

guess i did need to write...

the past couple days ive been not motivated at all to do any writing ..and so head was just feeling up with thoughts and feelings and emotions and all sorts of feelings..and today it was just like ok..i need to write and ill just start writing and see what comes out...writing is helpful in that it lets me drain off the excess of emotions that i feel...but once i drain them off the underlying sadness comes out..and that is hard..cas i mean overall im feeling ok..but writing and thinking and remembering has left me feeling a bit sad..and bit disconnected...so im trying to write and gather myself together again so that i can work on some work stuff..so that im not up all night and so that i can get it done and just be done with it...but well what ive been writing about...

well things are feeling completely different lately..like im suddenly caring..im suddenly trying..i want things to be better..to feel better..and now out of the blue im willing to put the work into it..im willing to try and make the changes..and to better myself...and i am working on being nicer to myself..giving myself a break..and just doing things to keep my stress levels down and inorder...last year was a huge learning experience....i amde mistakes..and i have the consequences...i learned from my mistakes though..i really did...last year i think was my lowest year yet..last year was the closest i got to being so low and suicidal and looking at being put into the hospital...and i never ever want to feel that bad again..so many days and nights that i spent feeling like dying..wanting to die..wanting to just go away and not be here anymore..so much struggling and hoping that i would wake up the next morning to a better day..yoou know i even look forward to therapy now..although linda tells me that she thinks im dependent on the idea of therapy..and i guess she is right...i like the idea of having someone to talk to..of having someone to listen to me..even if i dont want to talk..i dont have that from anyone else..and i guess i like getting it in therapy..i like the safety and the quietness of therapy..and im afraid to let it go..

but ive also been thinking about just how much ive changed lately...how much i want things to be better..i know what i want to work for and i just have to remind myself constantly that this is what i want and no one is going to tell me what to do..and i was easily swayed yesterday and forgot what my goal was..and ended up feeling all out of sorts because i didnt think i would be able to live up to the expectations that heather and her husband place on me..and it took me until today to kinda calm down and remember that the expectation is a logical one..and that my original plan is completely doable ..and that i dont need to worry ...things are going to work out this time..im sure of it..things are going to be different this time around..this year..and i have to remind myself to just take things a day at a time...

ive been feeling super awful about food and how ive been eating lately..like its been over the top binging on fast food..and just making bad choices in general when it comes to food ..and i know its happening because i menetioned that i felt i was losing weight and so of course that immediately becomes ..hmmm let me sabatoge myself and just eat horribly...but that is going to change...ive decided that i am going to join weight watchers..and start eating better and healthier ... for me..not for anyone else...and its not dieting either..its eating healthy and im doing weight watchers instead of just not eating meat..because the vegetarian thing is used in a way that is not healthy or good at all ..and im trying to avoid that..and so..yeah..going to  give weight watchers a try..and again take things as they come and just see how it goes...

im fighting to stick to my plan of not moving right now..i want another year in va at least before moving somewhere else..i really do and im not going to let mommy change my mind..or anyone else for that matter..right now i have a two month plan..so that i can move back into my own place by march..well by the end of feb preferably..and with that means getting up to 40 hours..and staying there...and it also means that ill need to be able to pay out of pocket for my insurance plan...i have to keep my insurance..and well if it means budgeting it in and paying for it so i can keep it then so be it..cas i have some medical issues going on and i just need to have the insurance..i really do..and so my plans for jan is to get up to 40 hours at my job and not apply anywhere else for now..and wait to see about the other places ive alrady applied for...and then in feb ill start looking for an apartment and working as much as i can without overloading myself...no more working two jobs or working weekends...im not doing it...and its to much stress on myself..(see something i learned last year)..and i just fall apart and cant keep up...so i do have goals and plans..an they are what i want them to be..and i have to keep telling myself that because again i am easily swayed into thinking and believing what other people say and want..and so yeah..

linda is right in that i have a lot of stuff going on and that i am still in crisis in a way..but im trying to stay positive and i feel more upbeat and able to manage..so that is good..some how i just have to keep managing and working and living..and allow the things i cant control to not worry me..easier said than done..but i am putting the effort into it..im trying to stay present and alert..and do what i need to do..so yeah..i am back to feeling more focused and at ease with my current decisions... 

yeah

just feeling pressured again....

im feeling super pressure right now and so im trying to write before it becomes overwhelming and all sorts of stuff...its just a lot of stuff going on and im trying to figure it out and figure out how to get it all fit in...

i asked today about an extension with my friends and staying another month..because i think that by march i will be able to move and have a better standing on things...i really do...now i asked today what i would need to have that extension..and pretty much was told that of course a new lease will be written up..ubt also that i had to be working 40 hours and have health insurance..and the working 40 hours is understandable..i mean i have to get 40 hours to make enough to live on you know and even make it possible for me to move out...but its the health insurance that is worrying me right now ... i feel like i HAVE to find another job and i have to find it right now..and i dont know how that is going to work out..i mean yes i have resumes out there and im looking you know...i am...but im not hearing back..and so im slowly getting more hours at my current job..but no insurance...and that is the part of it that sucks ..because of all of my head stuff i do need insurance..and ive considered paying out of pocket for my insurance..and i know that it will be pretty much 400 a month for insurance..when i dont make enough to cover that and bills..not really..not with rent and other bills that will be starting again...i can hold out for a job that has benefits included...but i dont know...i feel very stuck right now..and unsure again of what to do...i know i still have a few weeks to kinda get things in order still..and to let my friends know for sure what my plan is going to be...but in these few weeks its like ..well you have to keep looking for a job ..and keep doing all of this stuff..and it becomes overwhelming big time...but i know the request is legit and not over the top..and thats sort of the hard part..i know they have my best interest at heart and that they are trying to help..and that they are pushing so that ill make better choices..and get things in order..but it is pressuring too..and i dont know what to choose...ill keep looking for apartments..and everything..and keep looking for deals..i will...

a nice and quiet snow day

i think today is a day that ive needed.  it snowed last night and so today its like a movie day. a relaxing day of nothing to do..no expectations..no demands..no needing to help anyone else with their problems..its just me and quiet and well heather and the dogs and cats and everything in my head lol..but darn it over all its a quiet simple day of well whatever.  yay.

i miss my camera though and im so annoyed that i cant really take any good pictures of the snow ..that stinks...as soon as i have extra money im getting a new camera..

hmm well guess thats all..thoughts are pretty quiet right now...i think there are things bothering me but not dwelling on them today...just taking today for what it is

changes...

tonight...for the first time in over a year..i took down my quote..

"...I stood close to a beautiful picture window, my eyes focused on the other side. I was always looking on the other side, dangling too close to the edge. and one day I would jump. I would jump to be free or jump to die....whichever..."

i still relate to it...i still feel that it speaks to me..but i think that i am ready to move on from it too...im no longer looking at jumping..i dont want the choice to be between freedom or death..its not fair..its not fair to me to look at that and wonder which i would jump for...i jump for neither..and maybe that is what i need to realize..

my new quote


"The art of being yourself at your best is the art of unfolding your personality into the person you want to be. . . . Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others."~ Wilfred Peterson

i like it..its a lesson i am still learning...i will learn to forgive myself..i will learn to love myself...i will learn to accept myself...those are my goals..and i will have to keep writing about them until they are ingrained in my mind..so that i dont forget...

i dont want to forget...i dont want to forget that things can be better..i dont want to give up hope...

this is big..this is over two years in the making i think..because i remember talking to the 1st linda about that quote .. hwile i still lived at home..and now..almost 2 and a half years later...im ready to let it go..

once again..i allow others to influence me

talked about dependence today in therapy...and it was more of a chat about dependence on therapy as a whole and not specifically dependence on my therapist..and it was interesting becuase she brought up the conversation..and then it was one of her 'this is how i see it convos'..and i just wasnt having it and yeah..but i guess she is right..cas she mentioned there being a time when i was not going to need therapy and i got scared and started to back pedal in a way..i mentioned staying in crisis just so that i would be able to stay in therapy..cas of course she talks about ending and i immediatly jump into like stopping next week or something..and its not like that..and so yeah..she just mentioned that she felt i was dependent on therapy and that it was that dependency that gets in the way of my healing..what happens when i get 'better' and have to stop seeing t...yeah its a lot of money and my bills is so high..but still its like..i cant see myself without therapy..even though i dont want to be in therapy..i dont know..i just confuse myself...but yeah talked about my current 'crisis' mode that is going on..and yeah im feeling ok and everything..but there is still a lot going on and well she had me identify all of them and well yeah..there is a lot hanging over me..and its disappointing i guess that i still dont know what to do...stay or go...and then i had a conversation today with my 11 yr old kid that i babysit all the time at home..and seriously he is ready for me to go home like yesterday...told me i could move into there house..and i would find a job and not hve to pay rent..and that he would find a spot for dusti and bounce..and i almost gave in...almost gave in to knowing that if i went back home..i would have a steady side income coming in..that i could live without rent for a while until i got back on my feet again..all sorts of pros i guess..but then i had to stop and remember that the most massive of cons is the living back at home..or even near home..that it would be to much contact with mommy..and im not sure about that..even if i moved into the city and didnt live at home..the expectations would be there..the intent that i was close enough to go home and so then i should go home...there wouldnt be any boundaries...there really wouldnt...but i can see the postives at the same time..and then i get confused..the desire to be at home..and the desire to be away from home are at war with each other right now...cas im just not sure where i want to go or what i want to do..i want to stay..i want to go..i want to start over..but im just afraid to pick up and just leave...and even now..im just stuck..i just feel stuck..because either way i have to come to a decision..and its a decision that i have to make soon...and i guess the pressure to hurry up and decide in there...and i just keep thinking..i spend hours searching for jobs in different areas..i look for apartments..i consider the prices and the areas and where i was comfortable...the funny thing is that i really dont think mommy wants me to be at home..not with both bounce and dusti..she keeps mentioning me moving to sc or a different part of nc or living in the city near home...but not necessarily at home.. she says that i enjoy my space..and that i enjoy my animals and that i shouldnt go back to just living with someone else..and there is a lot of truth in that...there are pros and cons to living with other ppl..it is nice having someone to talk to..knowing that im not completely by myself when im having a hard time..and that i have other ppl around to do stuff with..or to cook for ..or to just talk to about silly things...all things that well i dont do when i live alone..i cant isolate completely living with others...that i have realized....but i know that once i go back to living alone i will have that need to isolate..to be alone..to be quiet..forgotten.. really i just miss my things..my books..my stuff..and i know that it is time to move on soon..and i understand that ..and i can live with that..but still i try to hang on..and to keep things from changing..i hate change..and really the next move is going to be my last for a long long time i hope..i really do...im tired of packing and moving and changing .. i just want to stay put for a while..and i have been in va for over a year now..and i think this is the longest i have been in one place...i think i manage like a year or so before moving some place else..or going home or something..and im trying hard not to go back home..but well with the way things were with my last apartment..i may have screwed myself big time...ugh..but still trying..still planning on catching up and paying things off..and just making better choices all around...gotta get things taken care of all around ..and so the stress will lessen..

also talked about the possible lack of insurance that will be coming up and coming up fast...because of my bill i may not be able to stay in t weekly..we touched on that but not really..didnt really get into it..and well with my bill being so high im not sure the place will be as accepting this time around..but trying not to dwell on that..and even if i tried to pay for the insurance out of pocket..it will be almost 400 a month...pretty much...but the benefit would be umm that i would be able to stay in t and get meds..and go to the doctor..and i think the pay off..well the benefits would out weigh the cost..i really do...but well without both incomes im down to just one job..and well im wondering seriously where that extra money is going to come from you know...im trying to be sensible and not overwhelm myself..and i know that by next week ill have 3 clients..and a possible 4th if i get back my other 12yr old..which would be over 40 hours a week..which is what i need...maybe it will all work out some how..but still i wont see the increase in my pay checks until like the middle feb check...and so it is still a waiting game..in some ways...i almost just want to stop looking for a job for now and just focus on getting in more hours...and getting a steady 40 hours..even without benefits..a few steady checks is what i need right now..and its important that i catch up..money wise and bill wise so that ill be able to afford to get a place and live somewhere..thats important right now...not moving..or getting a new job...and once again i think im just looking at all of this the wrong way...

honestly what do i want to do? i want a steady pay check more than anything else..and what will it take to get that ? getting in my hours and seeing clients ..thats my job right now..thats what i have to do..see clients..do paperwork...and get paid ..thats what i have to do...and if i dont then i will just keep being stuck and not have the money to do anything at all...and im letting everyone else influence what it is i want and what it is that i think i want to do...yes i want to move to sc..but if i cant afford to move then why stress myself out trying to get there ? why have i put a time limit on all of this stuff when there is no one forcing me to go anywhere..well maybe mommy but she can only do so much you know...i keep getting sucked into letting everyone else tell me what i need to be doing and mommy is just so good at it..when i know what i need to be doing..i know what i need to be working on..i really do..and i just need to put my attention and focus on that..because things cant stay the same forever..and im sick of this constant struggle with money and security..and stability..im tired of just feeling so unstable with everything...im sick of owing everyone money you know...linda talked to me today about reining in the younger parts of me yet again..about wants and needs and instant gratification..which of course they just werent hearing..things are heavily in 'i want' mode..and im guessing its a carryover from the holidays...and the issues with impulses and wanting things and having things is really a very big and deep issue..there are a lot of little parts to it..and there is knowledge that mommy does bribe me horribly..and that i am able to be bribed..because wanting things override my good sense to say no..but then i know saying no doesnt do anything to mommy and so i just kinda figure its better to take what is being offered..and its like ive learned a really not so good behavior...ive learned to be very materialistic..and very unhappy not having the best..not having the top of the line..not being able to live how i want...i grew up around families that are very well off..i babysit for a family that is very well off and im jealous of what they have..im jealous they can buy whatever they want..whenever they want it..and there is no struggle to make ends meet..there is no worries about whether you need to spend money on gas or groceries...the kids i babysit for will never have to struggle for a damn thing and its not fair..i should be happy for them..but they know they have money..and they know that they will get what they want..and i just never had that love and family and all of that to fill the need i guess..whatever that need is...instead i was given stuff..i was bribed..i took what i wanted..i like spending money..and i like being able to go to the store and buy whatever it is i want..even if i know good and well i dont have the money to be doing it...its not the shopping that is appealing..its the need to spend money..to know that i can buy something..that i can afford something..i dont want to have to realize that i really dont have money..or that i cant afford something...i cant accept a no when it comes to spending money..and well i guess thats not completely fair..i can tell myself no..it may take hours and a lot of arguing with myself..but i can get a no and not buy something..and just as fast as i say no i see something else or i want something else and i buy that because i was just 'good' and didnt buy something else...there is no balance..and cant handle money..i cant handle wanting stuff..i cant handle being happy with just what i have...everyone else has more than me..everyone else has better stuff..everyone else is better and i just keep trying to hang on ..to fit in some how..like if i buy enough stuff ill be liked..ill fit in..ill feel normal..connected..something..buying stuff allows me to keep up in some way...emotionally im not really my age..and most of the time i dont even act my age..but if im buying stuff..and spending money..then im an adult..im keeping up..im not being left behind .. i dont know.. lots of conflicting thoughts right now...

If you're wearing a disguise for too long, it will be difficult for the mirror to recognize you. At the end of the day I hope you become the person they didn't expect you to be. Be proud to wear you. ~ Dodinsky