goodbye 2014

It is new years eve...only a few hours until 2015 and I'm at work frustrated and depressed..Ok maybe I just have a cheap load of stuff on my mind..I don't know..I'm just thinking and wanting so much and feeling trapped..this year has been a major major struggle...I've spent most of the year worried and stressed...homeless..jobless and at the end carless..borrowing money just to live..two bad living situations and I'm still in one...And I keep thinking that I have five months left in the lease..And I want to scream..I wish things could have been different..so very different...I've been suicidal..plotting death..And destruction..I've made so many mistakes..so many bad and poor choices...I've been hurt and I have hurt...there has been death of people close to me..death of family members..I'm been used and thrown away...judged and accused..struggling to get by..struggling to survive...And through it all ..I have survived..in the midst of all of it..I have survived..  have Sarah now who has stuck by me when I've had absolutely nothing..I currently have a job and a car...I'm trying to get by..I have taji and bounce.i have friends who have stood by me.And helped me.I have noa..I am alive..I should be happy..And I guess that bothers me..that I'm not happy..that I can't seem to be happy or stay happy..I try ..every year I try and still I spend so much time struggling and worrying and stressing..what am I doing wrong? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I not want it bad enough? Why am I still searching for something I can  seem to grasp and keep hold of...what do I want out of life ..that is what I keep asking myself..And I don't have an answer...Yes I know that I am going to have to live with the consequences of my actions...like with the abuse charge and I  ashamed..completely but it has happened and I have to live with it..but the fear of having it makes me scared and unsure of myself..And I can't talk about it..because there is nothing to say or do...My future is so uncertain..And that scares me..but I was looking at one of my old blogs and I was really surprised to see how much I have grown up and changed...life has a way of continuing to happen..whether I want it to or not..And I have had to keep going..keep living...I know I have much farther to go...And maybe that is another part to my journey...to my story..things can't stay the same...it is not possible..so yes ..a very hard year is closing tonight..a new year starts at 12am...And it is what I make it..whatever that means...I just want things to work out..I want the fear to stop..I want to be able to be myself..I want to be accepted as I am..

Sidenote...My knee is killing me..ugh

But anyway..guess I'm running out of steam for writing..Just a lot on my mind..still..not fun

guessing game

Let's guess which side I am on more often..blah

just not a great day

I'm just struggling today it seems..I can't get it together and the lack of therapy has me feeling incredibly triggered and anxious...I need to just be near her a little bit in order to feel settled and safe..too many worries..to much thinking...I'm tired..so tired..

Very emotional and tearful...My head hurts..

"I used to think that the goal of healing was to eliminate the pain. Pain was an indication that something was wrong, but pain wasn’t the real problem. The real damage from my abuse came from the lies I believed about myself: “I’m disgusting,” “I’m not worthy of love,” “I deserve to be treated like trash.” Believing those lies is what caused the pain. Pain was only the symptom, so treating it never solved anything. When I recognized that pain was an indication of a wound, I started using it to help me locate the lies. Once I confronted the lies, accepted the truth and expressed my pain, I didn’t need the pain anymore and it left." The Rescued Soul by Christina Enevoldsen

reactive sort of day

So came to work in a bit of an off mood..but the resident that I am forever butting heads with got back earlier today..And my sudden lack of caring with her is very apparent ..to me anyway..I mean her behaviors the other night pissed me off so much..I was hurt ..And honestly I don't think she cares or is even trying...she has coping skills..journals, music, movies, coloring, paint, etc..two staff at her disposal..And she still made the choice to cut..And bandage her wound before calling her therapist...Maybe I am judging her actions..I don't want to but I think I am..I have to try and she doesn't and that's not fair..again she cuts and the concern isn't there but the attention is..And she still acts like a complete ass..ugh..but I came in today and she is up to her usual manipulation tricks and I refuse to cater to her..it makes me to upset..I am feeling angry and I'm afraid of losing control and so silence is my friend..I need to keep quiet before   I say or do something stupid...I need to get myself under control..And I'm annoyed that I can't...I wrote somewhere the other day that I can't take on her behaviors..they may be similar but they are still not mine to deal with... I have enough to deal with on my own..taking on hers is not helping me at all..And I am becoming more reactive..more upset..because I do know what it is like..I know how easy it is to cave an  How hard it is to fight...but her actions upset me so much..am I expecting that no one should cut if I can't?? If I am forced to behave myself then why is no one else held to the same standard?? Why am I the one that has to get better ..why do I have to stay in control and make the correct choices..why can I say no and she can't? That upsets me..a lot more than I care to admit...I can't see past the upset kid feelings..I really can't..I don't mean to get so confused with this..it just keeps happening..I keep trying to process and deal with it and I just end up more sad and upset..I give up..

sigh

I have to remember that her behavior is her behavior and not mine...I can't take over her stuff and mine...No...I am disappointed but it is her choice and her outcome...

frustration

I guess asking for a stress free few days was to much...there is escape from any of it..I'm tired of stressing out..I'm so tired of struggling..I'm upset I can't see Anita and just am feeling super overwhelmed..I'll go check myself into the hospital now...but it isn't that easy...I'm so tired..

Merry Christmas

Enjoying the day :)

I can smile today without fear....that is all I ask for 

Oh and I got hugs and clothes and a gift card

A little more relaxing and then it is time for work...

Nope..I'm not complaining

wishing on a star

Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
Wish I may
Wish I might
Have the wish 
I wish tonight
....


I'm fighting sleep hard tonight..I always have trouble sleeping on Christmas eve..I don't know why...right now there are too many demands..I'm so many things and nothing at all..I'm hot and hungry and tired..My eyes burn..im anxious and nervous and on edge...I'm worn out and can't figure out what to do with myself..it bothers me that it's raining...I half expect that I am waiting up for Santa..waiting to get a glimpse that the magic is real..that I can keep believing..My body is tired...very tired..

Christmas Eve

It is Christmas eve and I am at work which is ok...And.  really don't mind working..I'm actually pretty bored right now..I'm trying to deal with things where they are you know..I'm not going to solve all of my stressors tonight or tomorrow or even Friday..And so I need  to just take things as they are...I get paid on Friday and maybe I'll be able to pick up a couple things ..I want ..Nothing expensive..or maybe I'll just go and get my eyebrows done...I'm really sad that I can't afford to do anything for anyone for Christmas..I know I will be able to later on..but it makes me sad all the same..I hate it..I hate that I can't do anything for Sarah or for me..And that I'm seriously just in survival mode..I can't seem to get out of survival mode..this year is almost over and I'm so so glad..it's been a really hard year..And I know that it's nothing changing but just the fact that it is a new year makes me feel better...or makes me feel a bit more hopeful about things getting better..I don't know..Maybe it is all just in my head..I'm sleepy..but working..I'm going over to Sarah's after I get off and get to be with her for some of tomorrow..I'm looking forward to that..things at the apartment are making me really anxious...I don't know what t  do about it..part of me really just wants to say screw it and move back to a room...without the different bills..or someone that truly has zero respect for me...but rooming to a room is just something that I won't do again with the cats...Maybe that makes me a bad  person but I can't do that to them again..crap I would go back to a hotel..ugh...No I'm not going to think about that again..not tonight..or even tomorrow..I wish I was feeling more positive...I'm just not..worry and stress take it all away..there is no room for anything else...ugh..

floating in outer space

I'm trying to be okay..it's not working so well..Just a lot of sad..feelings that aren't completely mine..I  don't know..I can't write about this here...Umm anxiety is massive right now and I'm trying to keep myself together..super nervous about meeting Amber today..I don't know what is going to happen..but her turning into a dragon and eating me seems to be the reoccurring thought..I feel inadequate I guess...unsure of myself..My attention isn't on writing right now though..

upset and embarrassed

I'm feeling mad at myself..I accidentally ended up triggering myself with a conversation and its just left me feeling anxious and upset .. I can't figure out what to do...I want to hide myself away and not admit ever again just how messed up I am...I'm trying not to cry..

suicide

I have been avoiding in hopes that all of this would make sense..I'm so sad and hurt and confused..I know I talk about suicide a lot..And I know that I have made plans and I go to therapy and get help for the most part..but it is scary that someone I know commits suicide and I am more jealous..I feel awful about it and I can't help the feelings..I have wanted to die for so long and I haven't and even years ago with Sarah and her attempt..the feelings haven't changed..My reaction hasn't changed..I am more aware of how hard it is for the people left behind and that makes me feel even more awful..My nephew has a baby..what is the baby going to grow up knowing? What will they say when the questions come..How will they explain..?? There is nothing to say to make it better or make it understandable..it affects so many people and even writing this has me afraid that I won't be able to handle the thoughts..that I will still kill myself in the end..trying to escape a pain that I just can't explain..I want to hide..isolate ..think and try to make sense of something that may never have the answer I am looking for...I try to deal and I just feel so alone and unsure of things..I don't know how to work through what I am thinking..I keep trying to shut down..I keep trying to hide..I want to be brave and strong and manage but this is a big reminder that I am just broken..very very broken...

I'm trying really hard to hold it together but this is a really big trigger and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to make it through this without doing anything....and can't think enough to actually process what I am feeling and I am ashamed of what I am able to identify which isn't good because then I feel guilty and useless and all out of sorts trying to figure out what it is that's going on..for as much as I talk about suicide and I actually had just talked to and you know about this and whether or not I would be able to keep myself safe with fan over the next couple weeks..and I did have some small amount of control and then all of this happened with my nephew and now I am really really triggering and my thinking has gotten so bad very quickly likethinking that I deserve to die because I am jealous that my nephew committed suicide and I should be feeling sad and upset and I am but more than that there is is jealousy part of it and I can't handle that...I thought I had managed to deal with my whole feeling of inadequacy when it comes to suicide and whether or not I can actually go through with it I don't want to die I really don't but having someone else do something that I have thought about in plan and wanted also known for so many years its just really hard...and its just making me feel so crazy because I know that my thinking is irrational and should make sense and that there's just so much going on and I can't figure any of it out because I keep getting stuck with what I'm thinking about..I just don't know what to do I am at work and have been crying off and on all day and being a pest to Sarah and actually going over to her house when I get off of work tonight because I'm not sure about being alone..actually really afraid of being alone right this minute I am afraid of what my thinking is going to do or what place is going to get to because I haven't and I'm not sure if it can actually get any worse than what it is currently..I keep telling myself that I don't want to diebut now I'm stuck thinking about why it is that I'm still alive when things are just so hard and I get tired and just want to give up...I don't know what to do with myself right now I go back and forth between being scared and anxious and paranoid...and it's really hard because I can't sit there and just talk about the fact that this is triggered so much of my own stuff because I'm not supposed to have anything going on and I'm supposed to be fine and able to handle you know all of this type of stuff and instead I feel like I am completely breaking apart...I'm just really tired..I'm really sadand I'm really guilty...

Trying hard not to give up..really am...

depression takes over

I'm so sad...it's more than sad though..it's always more than just sad..but I don't seem to be able to hang on to any form of happiness..it keeps getting chased away..

I paid my part of the electric bill..so I hope

its friday

Well it is Friday..back to work and back to life...it  been a pretty calm almost 48 hours..I've been at Sarah's since therapy on Wed pretty much..And I am able to feel calmer and not so much on edge here..I hate that I can't get a handle on controlling my mood better..yesterday was up and down mood wise..I'm having some repeat issues/fears coming back up in regards to umm sex and stuff..which is making me sad and has me back on guard sort of...it is frustrating..but that aside last night was very interesting and I think I slept like i was practically dead..I even stayed in one place and didn't get fidgety ..I actually slept until 6am..I rarely do that these days...

Hmm seeing Anita was ok..I was calmer when I left at least..things where incredibly triggered on Wed..And I was overwhelmed by it all and wanted to shut down...but managed to talk to her about somethings..worked on a budget a little bit..And just trying to manage..I have to keep reminding myself that I do have money coming in at least..And so I can eventually catch up..it's just going to take some time..And I'll figure out of to manage..I hate feeling like I'm complaining..because I'm not..I can live on sandwiches and noodles..it isn't the first time..I need to make sure I have food and stuff for taji and bounce and gas..the check today is already divided into nothingness..I won't be able to avoid talking to mommy today..And I just couldn't deal with taking extra shifts at work this week..I'm tired..mentally I have been worn out and  upset and working more would not have helped..next week I'll see...but of course the schedule isn't out..it's Friday..ugh..but I just have to remind myself that somehow it will work out..

Anita did tell me that after next week I won't see her for a couple weeks..an  I know it is the holiday..but it makes me sad..I know I am struggling a bit ..Ok I'm just struggling right now with different things and the depression isn't really lifting..it's not as bad as it has been in the past around this time...I miss noa..I'm ashamed of myself because I can't go home..I don't want to be around mommy but I miss noa and now and the boys and well yeah..but because so much is going on and I  struggling to make things work..I won't be going anywhere..most likely will be working..I will get to spend time with Sarah though..when I'm off..And maybe on Christmas morning..if they would get the dang schedule out...

But I guess that is a fair update..    I have to work today and tomorrow but I will be ok..I have some running around to do today with getting the rent paid and sending mommy money and so on..trying not to stress ... I'm trying not to..

figuring things out...

I'm really not sure how I fell about what I've figured out..I've been trying since last night to wrap my head around it and I just can't seem to get past the upset feelings...I have been trying to figure out what the connection is for why I am getting so upset about my resident and other residents I've worked with in the past..And its that they are being handed the most support and care and they are throwing it away..And that makes me so upset..I struggle every single day and can't seem to manage so much stuff and I don't have 24 hour support..I have to do it all myself..with support from Courtney and Anita and Sarah..but my support circle is not much bigger..but I'm expected to deal and I  I can't then it is just my fault...that I have failed in someway..but  this resident and the kids at the residential place are being given the chance to work on and deal with there stuff in a safe place and they treat everyone there like dirt..they fight and get all kinds of stuff started..And they don't care..they have nothing left to lose and they just don't care...it's not fair..And even writing this has me feeling incredibly off ..And upset and not ok...if I stop caring there is the expectation that I will either be safe or not..I don't have 24 hour care and if any thing happens I would have to go to the hospital or die...I won't have someone coming to bail me out of trouble or get me out of the hospital..No I'm supposed to be an adult and deal with all of this and be ok and no one really wants to know if I'm struggling..outside of my small support circle..but I'm  alone with my thoughts more often than not..And if i can't handle something there is not five ppl willing to help me deal or keep me safe or whatever...No it's not fair at all..

I just cant

My thinking last night and the conversation has left me feeling exposed and on edge..I'm trying to think and keep getting so upset and frustrated with it all...today ..well last night the darkness has caught up with me and it won't let go...

increasing anger...

I'm currently at work ..And I'm listening to the resident get her stomach wound cleaned and packed and I feel so judgemental that I have no sympathy for her..none at all...I wish I could feel something besides anger and just pissed off feelings about her..I'm trying hard to understand why ..I really am...like I can understand the behavior ..I understand the feelings ..but I'm struggling to understand the very obvious attention seeking behaviors...that I can't handle and  it makes me so upset..the fight to find out if she has done something to herself..the fight to see it and get her help..the numerous trips to the hospital with her picking and choosing which hospital to go to..her saying that she wants the pain medicine and the stupid doctors who  keep giving them to her...where the he'll are these stupid people when I want meds that my doctors refuse to prescribe me..but she can manage to get them like they are candy..And then she has  everyone falling over backwards to make sure she is ok ..And she is using it to her advantage an  I can't even fault her for that..because that is what she has learned..to use her behaviors to get what she wants...but then she gets infections and refuses the antibiotics and puts everyone at risk in the house and doesn't care...And tells everyone what's she thinks but if anyone says anything  to he  then she goes and tells the ppl in charge..And they listen to her..

And i dont feel safe or protected..Maybe that is it..at the residential place the kids were protected before anyone else..there behaviors are sending counselors to the hospital left and right but there  are no consequences for them..And the same thing is happening now...given it  is not physical issue s now..but the outcome is the same..they believe the girl who is making trouble focusing  everyone before they believe the ones who  are with her everyday..We are wrong first..We weren't doing our job.or not watching or whatever the case may be and that puts me on edge..with this particular resident my fears are based around her having  to go to the hospital on my shift..And then I end up being questioned..And asked why I'm not doing my job..And that scares me..And that aggravates my own issues with feeling trapped and on edge and not believed...And I once again didn't know this was a part of it..ugh

I am such a loser..I  feeling like a loser..I'm depressed about the holidays and lots of things..I'm having trouble focusing and paying attention..I'm struggling to control my mood..I'm just not sure if today is a good day..I'm really not..

take me to church

tired and over thinking

I'm at work alone and I'm so worn out..it's different being the only staff on shift and trying to get everything done..I'm worn out today..And just ready to go home..I'm a bit annoyed at things with work but I need to let it go...I'm just annoyed so easily these days...it is a pain..

I guess I have been avoiding mommy..I'm sick of being reminded about bills and money and paying everyone back..I know I don't have money for anything..I do know that...And I don't want to be reminded about it..My mood is to volatile right now..I can't keep snapping and getting frustrated with her..it's going to get me in trouble..so I guess I'll call her tonight and see what she wants..

I need to go to get cat food or taji and bounce are going to kill me..I can't forget..

My sinuses are heading for trouble..I keep getting nose bleeds again..I hate up feeling awful..And breathing is becoming hard at times and that is worrisome..big time..it makes me panic an  I don't want to go to the ER..blah..Just gotta figure out what type of medicine I need..And get some..

I've decided I'm not going home for Christmas..I can't afford it and I Don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or whatever..but I know that mood wise or emotionally I'm going to keep going downhill..I don't know how to get through the holidays without freaking out...I'll manage of course..but it just something that is worrying and stressing me out...

I did end up getting to see Sarah today..kind of unplanned..but nice all the same..there are very good perks to getting to be with Sarah..it was hard leaving and having to come to work...because I was ready to fall asleep without having to worry for a little  while... her morning person wasn't able to come..so I ended up going to help out..And was going to fall asleep but got there and couldn't get to  sleep..go figure..

yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day at all..I really think I lost it for a while yesterday evening...My mind was racing..And I really wasn't safe...I was so angry and just couldn't let it go..I used every coping skill I could..I wrote pages in one of my journals..I made collages..listened to music..read..watched cartoons..stared at the ceiling..I really tried everything I could think of..And even when outside stuff grated on me because of how loud my head was..I just made things silent..And I  took hours to get back to a safe space..it really did..but eventually I got there.hmm

I'm better today..calmer ... still being eaten alive by the depression..but I'm alive..I came to work..I'm ok enough..

Last night tramaine and I had a talk..I told her I was upset that she threatened my cats..that she had used information I had told her against me..that I didn't appreciate her acting like a parent..she again told me that I have  been mean to her..she told me again that it's my fault she is failing her classes..that  I didn't need to rent a car because she would have taken me to work..I looked at he  like she had grown another head..she threatens me and my cats..tells me she is not going to take me to work or do anything for me..And then have the nerve to say that she would have taken me..Yeah..No.. I let her know that I wasn't comfortable or ok with taking anything from her..she seems to enjoy telling me that I need to do better or whatever..but you know..I'm done with all of it..getting mad at stuff dealing with her.. it's not worth it..I'm tired of it..I really am...she doesn't seem to be able to be pleased with anything I do ..so I'm done with it...I have enough other stuff to worry about without needing the extra stuff that does nothing for me..she tells me I'm so mean to her all the time and her example is that i let taji in the bathroom..so yeah..it is a waste of time ... And I'm going to work on letting it go..

Had  to go to court today..about the rent..I have paid on it but she hasn't..so it was pretty much a way to gain some time..We have 10 days pretty much..to get it paid...And we won't be evicted...so that is one less massive worry...sort of...

But that has been yesterday and bits of today..there is something I need to write about but I think I'm avoiding it..blah.

This week has gone by really fast..I can't believe..that tomorrow is Friday..good grief...so much has happened this week...

I think I need to see Courtney before I give Anita a heart attack worrying about me

just struggling today..therapy did not help..I'm just upset and angry and tired

My mood has definitely taken a major downhill turn..I'm sad and angry ? frustrated..depressed..worried..I'm anxious about tomorrow..I'm trying to figure out how this is all going to work and the stress of it all makes me feel like crying...My little break away from the world was not long enough..I want to go back to Sarah and get away from all the stress of everything..I'm annoyed that I'm stuck in the hospital room with a client who thinks the  world shines out of her ass...I really don't want the here...and just got off the phone with the lead person and now I have to go and get another resident...fuck  today..Just fuck today

thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving.. I'm currently laying in bed not doing anything..waiting pretty much until its time for me to go to work...I'm trying to not be sad and upset but I am..I'm feeling incredibly left out..everyone is at nias. No one needs to know I'm feeling so down..I think its just not being with noa.. I know I have to work and save and handle things here...but its hard. The holidays are just hard and sad and I feel like crying..I have to work tonight and finally get to hang out at Sarah's for a couple days.. I'm tired of work and issues and sadness...I really want a break from life without resorting to anything dangerous..at Sarah's I'm safe.. sigh... this is so depressing.. the urge to numb out is strong...very strong...

sadly

I am feeling rather ..I don't know..jealous isn't really the right word..but I'm feeling something... I've been in and out of the hospital for the past two days and most likely will be in the hospital again tomorrow..and seeing the 24 hour care is causing a lot of difficult feelings..I want that constant care..knowing that someone else is going to handle the hard stuff..that someone is going to help me when I can't do it...I just want the option..I want to have a break..just a little one...but in the same breath..I know that the care and concern is not the same for mental issues...that a self inflicted issue is met with judgement and more negative stuff..and that is depressing and why I try to stay out of the hospital.. even when I am currently sleeping with a knife..I haven't used it but I need it...need to feel safe in a convaluted sort of way..I don't know..I'm feeling just confused..not sure..I don't know what to do right now with my thoughts.. just sad right now

freaking a

I'm having a hard night..bad day..whatever..I'm upset and jealous an  on  edge and sad and feeling  ignored an  forgotten...PAY ATTENTION TO ME..

I don't care..I'm thinking too much and    can't seem to get myself together tonight....I just want to go home and go to sleep...

I can't help but think  that mommy has still won...she has me completely under her control and now because of everything and work and stuff I can't even get the time to go and see Sarah...I just suck at life...

Not even watching frozen is helping my mood...I'm angry..And I don't know why...I want to lash out and I don't know why..all that is left is attacking myself and I'm great at that...I can attack myself on a consistent basis and no one will even know..I'm very close to just hating myself immensely right now and it just feels out of control...

I'm feeling very alone...empty...invisible..

Who was I kidding?? There is no relief for me..the negativity and bad  thoughts and irrationality will never go away...I'm very easy to replace..I'm not needed or wanted...

I am nothing

UGH

Lost my Damon post....I could just scream

random picture

I don't know why I like this picture but I do

lately

there's so much that I want to write aboutbut I don't know what to say...I'm so tired and I don't know why I mean I'm not really depressed but I just want to sleep..I've been going to the training at the office for my medication certification and it's actually pretty interesting it reminds me that I really did want to be a nurse but now I'm in social work in mental health and that's fine...I've actually been thinking a lot about self care in the past few daysand I realize that I'm not doing what I should be with self care I mean I'm not taking care of myself at all I'm still not taking my medicine I'm not eating right you know my sugar is getting higher and it's just frustrating because I know what I should do and I'm constantly making the choice not to do it I know how to take care of myself I know what I should do what I shouldn't do and I just haven't been doing it and that's starting to make me feel really bad I know I need to take my medication for my blood pressure I know I need to take the medicine for the diabetes I know I need to eat less carbs and more protein and vegetables and fruit I need to take those vitamins because I'm not feeling good ...I should be making better choices and I know that that's something that I have to decide to do for myself let's sitting in this medication class and talking about you know the struggles that we have with the clients and it's like I'm sure with the same stuff every single day it's hard having to tell myself that I need to get up and take my medication or I need to get up and eat or making healthier choices when I don't have the money to go to the store or to cook every single day and I understand that you know everything is a choice and it's a choice and I'm making but no one can fix this stuff for me I have to fix it for myself...that means said I'm going to start checking my sugar again and pay attention to what I'm eating because I just feel like things are going to get worse if I don't start doing something... I want to talk to courtney and Anita about how I'm feeling mentally in mood wise and kind of what to do right now without the medication I mean I'm doing OK without it but I can tell that I am starting to have some of the more major depression episodes and not wanting to do stuff and just you know, doing only what I need to to get by I'm getting more easily frustrated and annoyed when I have to talk to mommy and Nia... I am just having a harder time staying in control of myself....I notice today that I am trying to touch myself to the bar and who's doing the medication class I have been around her for a lot of hours in the past 3 days and somehow I am already seen her as a comforting person and hoes so much going on right now I think I'm trying to seek out comfort and not being able to go over and see sarah and get you now any type of release or something... I am wanting  some sort of comfort in the midst of so much chaos..it is a completely innocent desire...but I really do just want to go over and be with sarah...I'm going to go in late allen see about falling asleep because I'm tired...

kinda off the past couple days...

ive been kinda i dont know the past couple days...yesterday i was feeling a little sick..and it is bothersome that i can tell now that i know what to look for, when my vitamin d is dropping again...i guess just one pill isnt going to keep it up with it being so low..and i know i have to be patient..but it is just disappointing...i started to feel really tired and sick on wed night...and that carried over into part of yesterday...today im feeling ok..i mean im wide awake at 4 something and ive been up for maybe 45 mins already...i want to take a nap ..well go back to sleep but im afraid i will over sleep and i need to be on my way home this morning...i have to get the car hopefully and then ill be not going back and forth home..its hard driving back and forth and well i just dont like it really...im no good at driving long distances..and even 4 hours is a long distance..i just get so tired and sleepy...and id rather not get into a car accident...the way things are going though i am positive that i wont be going anywhere at all for the holidays...i need to work...as i will be so very nice and tell mommy...since i have to pay back nia and wayne and rob...so after i get the car no more traveling anywhere..ill be stuck in richmond and that does upset me..but i cant do anything about that now..i dont want to plan to go somewhere and then have everyone reminding me that i need to pay everyone back and what not...i dont like that..and so no..until everyone is paid back i guess ill be staying put...not a big deal or anything..i think today everything is pretty much bothering me..im anxious about going home..im anxious about whether or not the trip will be wasted if the car title isnt there...and going home yes again is a waste of time if i cant get the car...but i have a feeling i wont be listened to anyway..so home it will most likely be...next week i dont get a day off...it will be med classes and work all darn week...im looking at it and it makes me tired..im trying to remind myself that it will be ok..that i am going to get the certification and it will be worth it..blah blah blah...either way next week is going to be so so busy...and tiring...

im working on getting a copy of my transcripts faced to me...its a pain in the butt..my only other option is to see if i can go and pick up a copy from one of my other jobs..and that is such a pain..i only am asking for a copy..you would think i was asking them to give up their first born kid or something.. as i said..im in a foul mood...trying to get it though..has to reschedule my appointment to see the doc and so that wont be happening until the 24th...because i just need to get home and to the office today...and im trying to get there as early as i can...so i can head back as early as i can...

things in roommate hell as on a manageable level...i refuse to be talkative with her ..if she asked me something that needs a response then fine...but no...every ounce of friendship, trust, anything is just gone for me...some things i just cant forgive..and not only were my cats threatened..but my sister was on the phone and heard what was going on...and she used information that i had told her against me...so no..i have nothing really to say to her...as she so nicely put it the other week..she isnt doing a damn thing for me..and i dont need her too...i can do my hair..i can get to work..i can get food..i can take care of my cats..so no i dont need her ...and its just that we are living in the same apartment..that is all ... i go to work and i come home...that is my life..and it pisses me off to no end lately that everyone single fucking person in my business is just assuming that if i dont answer the phone that im over at sarahs..i got mad while on the phone with mommy yesterday and she asked if i was at sarahs..on a fucking thursday morning no less...only because i didnt answer the phone...gee no..i wasnt..thanks to the constant back and forth home and now my schedule with work..no i dont have time to go anywhere at all..not that anyone else gives a damn about that..no she is trying tp pinpoint where i was..and i wasnt anywhere..i was taking a shower and fixing something to eat so that i could go to work..i wasnt hanging out anywhere...my days off as full the past week and this week..and then next week im not even off and then the week after that is thanksgiving and ill see how many times im called for an extra shift or something..no i cant do a damn thing...and im so horny i cant even get myself together..blah...such is life..oh yeah..ive been cramping bad..but nothing has started yet..that is what i dislike the most..that just because im cramping does not exactly mean my period is going to start right then..no..i get to wait for the surprise since the days have seemed to change themselves again..so it really is just as much a surprise to me as it is to my body...joy...im so overcome with happiness i can barely stand it...ugh i need to get my head together...im pissy as all heck..and it is a pain..i dont like it..i dont want to be bothered...and my stomach is playing havoc with everything...

i did see anita this week though..and she told me that i am sounding better..and i guess she is right...i mean over all im ok...a bit antsy mood wise right now..but ok i guess...what changed though?? maybe it is because there is an end in sight to some of the current stressors...like i may have  a car and a place to live..i dont have to give up the cats or pack up and find another place to live...things are reaching the resolution point in a way...i still am without the meds..and im not sure how i feel about that..but i cant really do anything about that right now..so ill have to just be off of them..and deal with it..ill prolly make an appointment to see courtney soon..just to let her know what is going on...i dont feel strong or brave going without the meds...i admit that i do feel i am dependent on them...but without them doesnt make me a martyr or anything...im without them because i have to be..im dealing with it because i have no choice...staying in bed and hiding isnt an option..so i have to manage...such is life..i have no real escape right now...i need to start working iwth my coping skills more..actually using them...more than just writing...ive been doing collages with one of the residents at work and i realize how much i miss it..i have oil paints that i havent used and just stuff like that..i have some coloring pages that are super detailed and that will keep me busy..but just stuff like that...

it may snow on saturday...that is really cool if it actually happens...im not to thrilled that i will have to drive home from the class in it...but yeah...will see how it goes..

but this has calmed my nerves..ill go and lay back down for a couple hours..and then get up and prepare to head out...deep breath...and stay calm today...that is the plan...

thinking

im just really tired and down...at the mercy of my family and just struggling to keep my head above water...most likely will not be evicted..will be taking the entire check this week and borrowing the rest from mommy to pay the rent up...plus all the money she has borrowed to get the car..and im just overwhelmed by it all...im being so cautious..with everyone..im afraid that ill say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and end up getting everything taken away...while at home mommy again did the whole this is what you should be doing..my relationship is again called into question because it is my first one and i told her pretty straightforwardly that i did not want to move back home because i have nothing there...i would be at work and come home..and that is it.i told her that at least here i had sarah and my little 5 yr old who i do really need to see...but that at least here i have a chance at getting out of the house...she said she understands..but i dont know if she will let it go..i do not plan on living at home or moving back home..i had planned on moving to sc but that is not going to happen until i can get my credit repaired...i cant logically pack up and move states with so many bills and things hanging over my head right now..and until i have the judgement paid off anyway..i need to just get things in better standing here you know...she keeps saying she is now doing what is going to make her happy...so how come i cant do the same thing??? do what makes me happy without having it questioned to death? i dont know..i really dont...the roommate situation makes me upset and i feel that i am becoming bitter about it..and cant do anything about it..she is such a hypocrite ..and im trying to let it go..and not freak out about it...when she is here i just stay in my room unless i have to come out for something...but i have nothing to say to her..i really dont..and i dont care if i am being childish or anything really...wow..didnt mean to write all this..i really was going to say i was ok...i do see anita today at least...

Just...I don't know

fuck her

so fucking angry..... the roommate is such a hypocrite...she ranted and yelled and screamed about how i dont clean enough..today i had to wash all the damn dishes that she left in the damn sink for three days..only because i want to cook and needed the sink cleaned out...fuck her

trying to calm down...

im upset...sick and tired in more ways than one..she doesnt listen..im trying to explain and she doesnt fucking listen...does she really think that im not aware of what is going on ?? of what im looking at and working with??? that i dont know what in the hell im going to do if i dont have a place to live??  that safety wise i could care less about being evicted..i really could...logistically i know i need to stay put...that being said...am i really so damn unaware that im going to happily talk about giving up my cats...does she have no idea how hard it is to have to deal with that decision??  that im sick of depending on everyone for help because i cant manage right now..im trying..damnit..im trying and all im doing is getting pushed back at every single turn...yeah spic bad choices...ok epic not thought through choices have gotten me here..but none of that can be changed now...im working my hardest to get to work ..to live and manage..and i cant...but all mommy and now nia seem to see is that i dont have money and that im not focusing on myself...what the hell..how am i not focused on myself?  why cant i get a little bit of time to regroup and not have to worry..fucking hell all i do is worry and stress..but thats not enough i guess...now she decides that its ok for the cats to come home and stay if i cant keep them..where was that option 3 months ago??? when she wasnt able to keep them for me..when she wasnt able to come and get them and take them home...but now its ok to bring them home if it comes to that..because putting them in the pound is awful...yes im awful..i know that...just leave me alone..i cant deal with this..not today..anyone even bother to ask why it is that i am even willing to give up the cats???anyone at all ??? ugh...taji and bounce both have some minor cat issues going on..and i feel awful that i cant get them looked at..or get medicine or anything for them..and they are prolly not feeling good..and i cant  fix it for them..and that makes me feel horrible..more than horrible...but that is not high on any ones list of worries but me...i cant get together money for a vet visit when im prolly looking at 200 some dollars for the two of them to be seen and treated..the spca isnt free..and i dont even have the money for that option...that is my concern...its not fucking about me...but again..no one cares..im just awful for considering putting them in the pound..well spca...

worries and thoughts from yesterday

-sigh-

im worried..about my health...yesterday i went to therapy and to see my med doc...and as soon as i showed up i was told that the lab person needed to see me and that i couldnt leave before seeing her...well i had to go to work yesterday and so cutting it close is putting it nicely..but my med doc explained what was going on pretty much and i ended up asking her if she could go and get the prescription for me...and luckly she was able to go and get it from downstairs and a copy of my labs and bring that back to me..and i didnt have to cut having therapy short...i did still have to go and suffer more lab work... but pretty much ..i have a major ..and i do mean major vitamin d defiency ... and im a little bit freaked out about it..because i have to go and get lab work done every three months...the last time they were done i wasnt told that there was an issue or anything with my vitamin d levels..so to be told out of the blue that my number is beyond low is rather unsettling...i have a prescriptoin for a massive amount of vitamin d that i have to take for 15 weeks...yuck..but working on figuring out how to get the prescription filled.. ive just been feeling so sick lately..tired..achy..headache on a daily basis...eye trouble.. ugh...weird cravings...very weird cravings ..like i feel like im going to die right now if i dont get some fried chicken..the other day it was spaghetti..and now its chili and chicken..and sweets..and just an endless list of foods...maybe on friday i can do a little bit of cooking or something...ugh...im just off...feeling really off and now that i know what may be the problem i want to fix it and just feel better..but instead im stuck and waiting on mommy to decide if she will be able to let me borrow any money...right now im considering saleing some of my movies or something..blah...i dont know..just trying to figure something out...

another thing that happened yesterday is that i decided to not get back on my meds for now...if anything i think ill go back to the klonipon when i can afford it...but for now its like..well im off of them...and cant afford them...so for now i guess im managing as well as i can..so staying off of them isnt that big of a deal...i wish i was feeling more stable but again it is a medical/physical issue that is ovvershadowing the mental stuff..and until one or the other is worked out..i cant figure out what is causing what...it is frustrating..i mean life wise things are stressful and strained and as anita said yesterday..toxic...ugh...

talked to anita finally yesterday about what has been going on..and for a little while i was able to feel safe outside of being with sarah...anita actually told me that i am doing well..all things considered..i mean im trying my hardest to manage and deal without the medication..without the cutting...ok food may or may not be having some issues..but again..could be due to multiple reasons..blah..but over all..im not doing anything dangerous...i wish i could get some of this stuff printed out to take to her...and would explain things a bit better..maybe ill go to the library on monday..but i hate printing stuff out at the library..essh..especially personal stuff...but ill see..maybe i can get enough change together to get it done...anita did try to get me to look at things from my roommates point of view...but no..im not willing too...not after everything that has happened...not after being pushed to the max...picked on and talked about and made to feel like dirt...no...im very serious when i say that i have nothing at all to say to her...i have nothing that i need from her and well that is all there is to it...i am doing my own thing and she is doing hers...and there is nothing inbetween...not any more...i honestly dont feel safe with her..and i have to keep reminding myself that i dont need to explain myself or anything about myself to anyone...i am watching what i say...for safety..to protect myself..i have to protect myself...thats all there is to it...and i was also very honest about the fact that im not that upset about the lease ending..if it comes to that...no i dont want to be evicted...but no it is not the end of the world either..i will figure out how to manage...i just have to...

but im going to go and lay down for a bit...have to work later today and im tired...

on high alert...

im so tired..and the more tired i become the more i feel like i am focusing myself to pay extra attention...to zone out and watch everything all at the same time...i dont know what im doing ... im afraid to go to work today i dont know why...im annoyed but glad im only working four days this week and next week...im waiting and hoping  for something to work out..but im not expecting anything..my ability to plan or look forward to the future has gone away...right now all i can manage is to get through the day and even that is becoming harder..i wake up and want to go to sleep..i sleep i think..weird dreams.bothersome dreams plague me while i sleep...i dont remember them..just uneasy feelings...i feel useless and stupid and like a failure...im on the verge of crying at all times..and all i can think is that i need to stay at home and be good...ill stay at home and kill myself..but that is not important to anyone at all..as long as i am at home then i guess i am managing..im fine...i go to work and come home..that is my life ..or that is how my life is supposed to be..i dont know what i am doing..i dont have motivation to do anything really..and im trying to be positive and plan and think.bbut my thoughts become darker..and im afraid to be left alone with my head..but there is no choice..the holidays are always hard and right now with so much going on..im dreading them so much more...i cant stand being on fb right now because everyone is posting such happy pictures..spending time with family and friends..and all im doing is trying to get through the damn day and not think that my thoughts make more sense than anything else..i dont have anything left to ask for help with..because i keep messing up..and its like i dont know why ..but yes i keep messing up...gota stop writing before i start to cry...maybe ill just go to work a little bit early...

what am i missing ?

what am i missing?? what havent i thought of ?? im so tired of being told that i need to worry about myself..that i dont need to go and spend time over at sarahs...i really wonder what in the crap it is that my mom and sister think i am doing...im not going out to dinner or movies...i spend money on food, on gas, on the cats..im not shopping or paying bills for sarah..i dont understand...all i do is go to work and am at home..i go to sarahs house one or two days a week and not even full days because i have been taking the bus...im not losing the one person i have here that i can go to for support..all i do is worry and stress out...all i want is a few hours of not stressing out..thats all...and lately not even time at sarahs is a full time relief...i cant let go of the worrying for long..not even with her..but ill take the moments of freedom that i can get..im tired of being asked why i havent asked sarah to borrow money or why she cant help...geez if ive already told sarah everything that is going on..i would think that if she could she would help...its enough that i can go to her house and she feeds me while im there..no questions asked..the more they push the more i feel like i am being backed into a corner and i really will be left all alone..right now im hoping i dont lose my apartment...i am ..but if i do then that is what it is...i cant afford it...im without a car..i need to keep my job..i can rent a room..im not above doing anything anymore..and so yes if it gets to the point that i have to move and move quickly.then i understand that means finding another place for the cats to live..i know that my stuff will most likely go back to storage..and i will have to live with that..for a while if i have too..because there is no other choice...i have done everything i can..moved then and all of that numerous times..and yes even thinking about being without them makes me sad and the tears immediately threaten..but im not so far gone that i cant realize a bad situation..i under the situation is currently really bad..i know the holidays are coming..i know that im off my meds and going slightly crazy..i know that i dont feel safe in my own apartment ...i understand all of that..and i have to figure out how to make it work..with what i have now...there is no more hoping for the best..because thats not realistic...not anymore..but with mommy and nia beating at me from every angle ...its just hard to remember..but i cant go home...and i may not be able to fully explain to them why i cant or wont go home...the thing is that im just not going home...not moving home..that is not an option...not a good one...it will cut me off from everyone ..and i wouldnt last long...so my options are here and i have to figure it out for here..i have to figure out what to do..my doctors are here..all of them...its not exacctly easy to pick up and move back home where i will be totally dependent on mommy..no...the pros do not outweigh the cons and i really dont know what the pros actually are...i dont know what im doing wrong..and the more im stuck thinking ..the more i feel like i cant even go to my mom or sister for real help..not anymore..because suddenly all they see is that i want to spend time with sarah..i cant deal with them constantly telling me to focus on myself...i am so focused on myself..i cant freaking see straight...i do feel as if i need to shut down..just to begin to try to manage..some how...be obedient..follow the rules...i hate that it is beginning to feel as if i need to hide and lie about my life..but i dont feel as if i am being given a choice...not anymore...as long as i am not living in my car..that i dont have...then there really is nothing to tell...ill do what i have to do...as i keep being told..im not a child...so i guess that means making choices i dont want to make and living with the aftermath...

again betrayed...

it has taken me quite a few days of none stop thinking about the events that have gone on this week...and it all just makes me feel so very tired and sad...im hurt..much more than i think i would ever admit too...im still embarrassed and ashamed of what has happened...no i havent taken my feelings out on myself ..but all the same i cant seem to let the events go...what i failed to notice about making the choice to live with tramaine is that she has used little things and big things against me since the beginning..and i just didnt notice or didnt want to notice..maybe i was trying to protect myself in some way..keepp the peace..i dont know..but the part of all of this is that she betrayed my trust..and once again i feel that i can no longer trust anyone...i know that i will never again trust her ..but once again the damage has been done...it cant be changed...i told her things in confidence and from the get go she has turned them around on me..used them against me...i trusted her...maybe i felt i needed too..maybe i was just wanting so much to have a friend..in the midst of so much chaos..and this is how it has ended up...i have been called names..had my struggles thrown in my face..been left stranded and alone and frustrated..told to grow up and well a whole bunch of other things..and taji being in the bathroom sink was what broke the camels back i guess..that was the meltdown point for her..but i guess i should have known something was wrong..that something was up when her mini blowups began happening...and no i will not make excuses for my behaviors...and i may be a lot of things...i may not pay attention to things..i have been hurt and used and broken and wanting to die ..but i have never used information that someone has told me in confidence against them..i have never thrown information back in someones face ..never used there own struggles to hurt them..to make them cry...never..but that is not the same with tramaine..she does not hold the same ideals as me i guess..and i mean i dont have a lot..and it takes so long to earn my trust and she did..and now she has left all of it crumbled to the ground...even this morning when i was in the living room with her and her sister and niece..she still made little comments about how my social skills or lack there of leads to outbursts or something..but i said nothing..i let it go..but again i am covertly attacked again because of my issues..

the need to defend myself is so strong..the need to explain..to figure it out to make it work...carry all the blame..apoligize..fix it..make it better...it falls on my shoulders..i have to fix it..i have to be better ..i have to be more..how was i so easily sucked into such a warped friendship..trusting and so easily fooled...i want to go back to hiding away..not letting anyone know what is going on...not asking for anything from anyone...go back to dealing with things the way i did before..where words and tears were not the answer..when i cuold control the hurt and pain..when i was able to stop the saddness and just numb out..find an escape into nothingness..i made it then..why cant i make it now??? why is now so different? why cant i go back to before? when i could so easily escape the fears and hurts that i faced on a daily basis?? why cant i have that back??

before i was being hurt ..in so many ways..it was a part of life...a life that i had no control over..that i had no say in..i was forced to live it..and some how i stayed alive..i grew up and became my own worst enemy...no one else could hurt me...and now..the emotional hurts still go on..i am still being hit from different angles at different times ..and it is hard..because im supposed to be better..i supposed to want to be different and healthy and whole..but that doesnt give me an escape..no i can cry and talk and hope and all of it and still things stay dark and lonely and hurtful...and there is no escape..i try to escape and my attempts are stopped..always stopped..

i am walking in shadows right now...needing to hide and think and pretend that i am no longer a part of this world..no longer a part of a world that sees fit to keep hurting me...i dont have the energy to keep fighting a battle that i have not won in 31 years...why keep going ??  no i will keep my thoughts to myself..slowly slip away until there is nothing left...im all out of hope, and patience...my need to trust has been shattered...and i feel as if i am just some misguided lost soul...forgotten..used..broken..left to die...every day the thinking gets a little bit darker..i am trapped..and i do not think there is a way out...

just..

trying hard...dont feel happy or safe or even remotely able to do anything productive right now...scared for the cats if i am not here...i have to figure out how to get to work..im trying to make things work or manage but i dont want to be here..and im not even completely sure what i mean by that...this has been such a crappy year..i just want to cry...ive been uip for a while i guess..thinking..trying to think..trying to figure out what to do..mom and sister are trying hard to figure out the car situation...mommy may be a lot of things ..and yes im gonna owe her big ..more than big if she does manage to borro w the money to get a used car for me...but her and my sister were supportive yesterday...mommy actually told me that i dont desrve to be yelled at like that..im so embarrased that my sister was on the phone when it started and heard..i keep feeling as if i need to defend myself..try to fix this ..i dont know..i dont want to fix this..i am feeling hurt and betrayed...yet another disappointment...how am i going to afford the rent here..what is going to happen if i get evicted again...i just moved..yeah..im just going to go and lay back down for a while..

anxiety...

right now i am freaking out...trying not to but as the time continues to move..all i can do is worry and stress and think...

suddenly im again possibly looking at being homeless..at not being able to keep the cats..no way to work..no way home..im frustrated and upset and trying hard to keep it together..

my roommate threatened my cats..im afraid to leave them here...im afraid to not be able to watch them and kknow they are safe...right now i have no idea how i will be getting to work or anything for tomorrow...what will happen...how will anything work out...i may end up having to go home i guess over the weekend...if something can be worked out for a car...if not a will have to get a rental...i cant depend on her...

nia was on the phone when she decided to blow up earlier this morning and i tried to be calm and let it go but im on the damn phone with my sister and in the bathroom no less and being yelled at because taji is in the bathroom with me...but pretty much she said that she will be looking into seeing if she can get out of the lease i guess...im dirty and selfish and rude and dont clean up and my room is messy and she yelled to my sister while i was on the phone that i dont clean...and then it just all went to hell after that...because at a point i started to yell back at her..told her she was rude..told her to just leave if she didnt want to be here...ok a couple things..one she knew i had the cats before we ever moved in together...she knew i was messy again before we ever actually moved in together...i told her things about myself that she is now throwing in my face..

anger, hurt, betrayal ... all of it...i dont like it..im so very hurt... i held it all in until i fuond out that i wouldnt be able to go in to work today..and then i started to cry..i wasnt able to hold it back anymore..im worried about everything...i really am...so disappointed that i missed work today...frustrated because so much is going on...on edge and wanting to hide and be quiet..and its like no..i pay to live here..im not going to hide out in my room..ive had the apartment to myself this evening...nothing to do..im not going to ruin her stuff or anything..im not that childish...but she is..and so i am worried about my stuff in the house..im worried about taji and bounce being safe..im just worried about everything..im afraid to put my food in the fridge because it may not be there later on...i got pizza...and now its like well what am i going to do with the rest of it...blah..

no i just dont feel safe...im embarrassed that my sister was on the phone when things happened this morning...so very ashamed...

not good

The last time I checked..I didn't need someone else telling on me..I was right though..she ducking told on me like I'm a child and tramaine is my parent...I am beginning to think that is what she feels she is..but the thing is that .. I am feeling very resentful with her and I'm not feeling to fond of Sheena right now either..I don't need to be watched and reported on..I'm not living with mommy...but now it is beginning to feel as if I am...And it is frustrating..And I no longer feel safe in my apartment...And.  feel like in being targeted and judged and I can't deal with that ..Well I can but it won't be in a good way.. I know I'm not thinking that clearly and I'm not feeling so good at all...And I'm thinking more impulsively and wanting to react immediately..I didn't say anything to her..about what she said..because she is my ride to work..I'm not that dumb..but considering my checkout  Friday I think that I may rent the car..I'm sick of feeling like I'm just an afterthought..that I can't go anywhere without asking..being stuck at work for an hour or more every time I work..I don't know..once again having trouble focusing and have a major headache..

I know I'm not taking care of myself very well..And prolly haven't been for a good while..talking the my client and coworker about her diabetes and eating habits put that in major highlight I guess..I'm a horrible example.. I am...And I'm feeling so ashamed of myself because of it...I'm ashamed that I'm still struggling with the depression and cutting..when I'm supposed to be the example..the proof that you can get past it..And instead instead I'm still in that same spot..Maybe not exactly as before but I'm still there..still struggling..I'm not anything..I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I'm not able to do anything or be anything..

im so freaking mad and just getting madder and more angry..


issues with attention and having attention and being noticed popping up...

i want to scream

do stupid things

make someone notice..

just ..i dont know

maybe sleep is best...

pissed off

some how ive screwed up quite a lot today...cooking has been a disaster...spillled food in the oven..feel so stupid and upset..and no real idea how to clean it out...frustrated majorly....another headache filled day and not feeling so great at all....no idea why my head hurts so very much though....its a pain...it really is..just on the off chance that it is my eyes because of how much i have been reading..i forget that im maybe straining my eyes...so its back to wearing the glasses again..on a much more regular basis..im just upset and feeling stupid...

just..i dont know...

im tired...so very freaking tired of all of this...im going back to my orignal plan for the car stuff...no i cant commit to making payments that i cant afford...especially to mommy or her boss or whoever..that is just asking to fail or get in trouble..and its just to much money ... to commit to.  so no..im going to go with my original plan...when i get paid ..im going to rent a car next week..because im tired of feeling like im asking her for so very much...when im paying her to take me to work...she cousin doesnt have to pay..but i do..im sorry ok..im sorry for exisiting and for needing help and all of it..im sorry i just suck so freaking much and that i cant manage and that im freaking struggling right now...

need to calm down

overwhelmed and upset..i cant deal with things right now and the more hours that pass the more there is to deal with...im frustrated and upset and just trying hard to rein in how i am feeling ...

i came home this morning..and there is no food or water in taji and bounces bowls...ok that pissed me off...i come in and tramaine says that she is going to need to take me to work in a little bit because she has things to do...ok fine..i didnt say anything but ok..i changed my clothes..fed the cats and waited for her...an hour passes and she still isnt ready to leave...ok fine..im not doing anything but waiting for her...she comes in and says ok now im not leaving until 12...so i go to fix my last frozen pizza...and now im writing because i am upset and ready to once again cry..and im doing everything i can to hold in my tears and not cry...

mommy calls me..and i missed the call but i was dumb enough to call her back..and as usual..it was about my lak of a car..borrowing money..how much can i pay back..not saying its for me if she can borrow it because im supposed to doing well and im not ..and so now im looking at having to pay back even more money that i dont have..and i try to tell her i ant affford to have a 500 some dollar bill to pay back each pay period...god im down to making prolly less than 700 a pay period after taxes...what in the crap am i supposed to do for myself and my bills when ill be forced to give promise her money that i just dont have...i have to come up with some price that i can afford by monday...i cant even think this through all the way..im feeling trapped and stuck in a corner and i have to agree or not agree..i have to come up with something..anything..and i cant...i cant afford to keep having tramaine take me to work..im down to 80 dollars...which is maybe 4 more rides to work..i dont get paid until friday..and if mommy does manage to some how borrow the money and get me a car down there just from someone selling..then ill have to go there to get it..the only way to freaking get there is to ride the bus as mommy so nicely mentioned to me this morning..to come and get the car..and drive back to richmond..so then add in a bus ticket, gas, and getting the license plates or whatever...ok my bill is so far out of range i cant even see it anymore..but i have to come up with an answer...ill be struggling non stop until sometime next year..and i cant even say no.. because i have no way to get to work...i have no way to manage right now that is workable or even really affordable..so im stuck in so many ways...and i cant even get the slightest release of anything because im sitting at home and i really dont want to deal with tramaine telling me anything right now..

im paranoid enough without the help and i was coming home this morning and relized that i really dont feel safe here..i guess emotionally safe is what im talking about..i feel like im a visitor in my own apartment...i feel like im being talked about every time i walk in or do anything...and i say i dont care but my feelings are being so easily hurt..and im upset but i cant be upset..because im not supposed to be upset or cry..or stressed out...

but i am stressed out and i dont feel good and im trying to get so much worked out in my head and its all getting mixed up and i cant figure anything out..i really cant .. and i really just want to go to sleep..im tired of thinking .. im tired of worrying ..im tired of all of it...and if i could i would cry but no i cant do that either..so ill just sit quietly and wait until its time for me to go to work...there is nothing else i can do...

Anger and rage

Its the anger that I have a harder time managing without the meds.I'm angry, hurt, easily upset, impulsive, and tearful..I guess yesterday it was the scene in the lword that was the breaking point..I knew I was feeling anxious before we started to watch the episode..but as the show played I got more anxious and upset and kept biting at my finger and eventually laid down .and it was almost as soon as Sarah asked me if I was OK that I just started crying.. No idea why..too many thoughts, wanting to hurt and being ashamed that I had picked at my face...she helped her get calm again...only for me to have another meltdown after talking to mommy on the phone...I tried to stay in control and couldn't.. I still ended up so overwhelmed and upset that I once again I ended up crying and feeling so upset..and it was a little bit after I began to calm down that I realized I was angry..so angry and without an outlet.. Back to wanting to break things or cut or do something to let the anger go back into hiding..and I couldn't.. I just thought and worried and stressed...until I guess I did fall asleep..for a little while...a lot of tossing and turning..until I got up and came into the living room...I aid on the beanbags and sort of fell asleep again... Woke up at 6...already worrying and upset...sad and frustrated... Tired and hurting...my back  and shoulders are holding the stress...it hurts ..maybe I will go back and lay down with Sarah since I have to go home in a couple hours...and being by myself makes me really anxious...the knife is still under my bed..I think I need to leave it there...

My head hurts

I'm really tired but I can't seem to be able to really sleep. Coming off of the meds is really messing with me..I'm tired, cranky, paranoid, and anxious. My head won't really stop hurting and today out of nowhere I guess I panicked to the point of crying. After picking at my face and finger..I'm going to have to figure out a way to get the meds. I don't know how but I will have to figure out something. I don't want to feel so suicidal again. I don't want to feel out of control..I feel so stupid for picking at my face. I feel stupid for biting my nails off and then biting at my finger until it started bleeding. Again two of those this is not a good idea after I've already done it. Thankfully today's breakdown happened when I was with Sarah and so I wasn't alone. And somehow Sarah figured out that something was wrong. She stopped watching the lword to check on me and to be there for me until I was able to calm down...she watched sponge Bob with me and held my hand and let me hang on to her pants until I was able to calm down and actually let her know I was okay. The crying tired me out but still I can't sleep...I can't seem to stay calm..I feel so drained right now...I'm not sure what to do with myself right now...I really just want to sleep and I cant

my thinking

im trying

i really am trrying you know...and right now i am feeling upset and so i am writing and trying to calm down instead of doing anything else...i asked tramaine to pick something up for me and of course she didnt do it...im forced to work with her schedule and its making me tired...i really do wish i had another way of getting to work..i really do...god i miss my  car...i hate having to depend on someone else..i hate not being able to do what i want to do..and i hate that all of my options right now..cost money..and i dont have any freaking money...my first check will be at the end of the month..so i still have another week to get through...well like a week and a half..and im not sure how ill be able to do it...i only have maybe 140 left money wise..and i need to get food and stuff..so maybe really only 100..which is maybe five trips..i dont know...im starting to feel stressed again..but again im trying to calm down and not get impulsive with my upset feelings...i just feel so frigging trapped and its upsetting majorly...

i really cant believe its only been a month since the vacation...gosh i wish i could turn back time and go on the trip all over again...since coming back it has been one thing after another and im tired of it all...i really am...im not suicidal anymore..and the urge to cut is lessening ...at some point i will be taking the knife from under my bed...im wavering a little bit on that one though...i want to keep it..but i dont want to keep it...i have to be strong...i cant let my mind play tricks on me..i just cant...because i get stuck so easily in my mind...and then i want to look for an escape and all of the escapes are negative...lately my need for reassurance and comfort has been majorly high...and i dont know..its driving up my need for attention..and yes i can be completely irrational in these moments...i still dont understand how to feel that need for myself..and i ran into a post on fb about self soothing that i want to get printed out...just to have...i should probably print out the self injury alternatives too...it just hurts that i still am so easily swayed into feeling like killing myself...almost having a plan..almost being willing to do it...the past couple weeks alone have been really hard..just with not knowing what to do..not having any more ideas to try...being nice and not selfish with tramaine..and no money and trying my hardest to just keep going ..when things are just stacking up against me...im frustrated and hurt and tired...

im taking the bus to my appointments at the clinic though...after i got forced to use the bus the other week...i dont like it and it still makes me so very anxious..but i have no other choice...tramaine is just not willing or able to keep driving me where i need to go or whatever...and i dont know..with my first check..i really think i am going to rent a car for a week or something...im trying my hardest to get back and forth to work and not be a pain..but i have to pay her to take me...and her cousin doesnt..but again .. its not fair to compare.....but it doesnt help that i feel like i am being used...tramaine got paid last week..and so i was gone for the weekend ..and i come back and there are a few groceries in the house..but also other stuff has been bought and things and its like ..ok what is going to happen when you run out of money again? but whatever..i guess that is where i come in.. but back to the other thing..yeah taking the bus..and it is really still making me so anxious...the bus gets so crowded...and that makes me uncomfortable...again..im trying..to manage it and get on the bus when i have to..or walk to the store...i ask for small things from her outside of the work stuff..and she is either to busy or to tired..so then i just go back to figuring out how to do it on my own..and then she gets mad at me...last week she got pissed off at me twice and told me that i need to grow up and stop crying everytime something doesnt work out..and i wanted to hit her..but instead i let her have her say..and just vowed to keep my tears inside..the same thing sorta goes with mommy too...the stop crying and calm down and its not so bad...no one seems to understand that i am anxious and constantly worrying and stressing and everything i am dealing with just gets brushed off like its not important..like my concerns dont really matter much at all..and i guess that is what has been causing me to feel even more upset...and its hard because i cant just say that i am having a hard time emotionally and that i am feeling depressed and trying hard to stay alive...who wants to have to listen to that type of conversation...so no..i just take in what im being told and turn it all around...make it hurt me...believe what im being told...story of my life i guess...

its as if everyone ...ok well a certain few people are trying there hardest to make me unhappy..to force me to be someone im not..and that isnt going to work..not anymore...i try to fight it more...try to remember that i am able to make my own decisions..and it is hard...really really hard some days to remember that...shoot i called sarah in tears the other week because of a conversation that i had with mommy ..and her trying to butt in and control what i am doing or who im with..and stupidly i believed her...i was ready to say goodbye to the few friends i do have..ready to just call it quits..give up and shut down and just exist i guess..but i talked to sarah and a couple others and anita about it..and feel a bit better about it now at least..and i ended up worrying courtney and anita to the max..prolly sarah too for those few days...but i guess somehow i reached the end point of worrying..for a few days at least..

the current worry is having to come off the meds ...again...i really do want to cry .but there isnt anything i can do about it..its either get the meds and not have a way to work..or have a way to work and just manage without the meds...maybe i should cancel my appointment with courtney since i cant get the meds anyway...i dont know...maybe i will do that...no point in seeing her...ill let anita know..though tomorrow...it gives me such a headache...

going off and getting back on the meds...it really does..and as the withdrawl starts..i know i wont be fun to be around...yeah it prolly is safer to get the knife moved now before the ideas get confused again and i end up keeping it and using it...i hate how i act when i am off my meds...but again there is no choice...

taji and bounce has having a couple issues and i do feel awful that i cant get them in to the vet...its frustrating majorly...still seeing the little gross worms from taji..and boune is scratching like there is no tomorrow..so im making an educated guess here from experience and saying that she has fleas once again...which just makes me want to scream bloody murder...the vet told me before that the stuff in stores for fleas really doesnt work anyway..so i dont know what to do but wait and see...maybe ill be able to afford something..shoot anything right this minute...but both need a check up anyway..and im being a sucky owner because i cant afford to get them in to be seen...maybe ill look up the spca and see what is offered there..but again there is the issue of getting them there...

this entry really is quite a downer...im trying to be happy and go to work and not focus on the negative when im with other people...but the need to just isolate is still an issue...the need for quiet ... and then lonliness sets in..and i feel like i am alone with all of this...

i think i better stop writing for now...

Just sad

I know that I'm probably not thinking clearly...I'm just sad right now...I guess it is stupid to think that therapy is supposed to make me instantly happy..but because of my mood lately I'm struggling...with everything..I'm not really safe with myself and I think that is what has me feeling so sad..that I couldn't say I would move the knife from under my bed..or that i wouldn't kill myself..I have both of them worried...And I really don't mean to do that..I don't want  them worrying..I don't want the worry of whether or not I should be in the hospital...I should have just promised but I can't break a promise...I just can't and some days I just don't feel I can handle anything  .

my feelings are hurt...seriously

i talked to mommy this morning as usual...but it was a whole conversation about me and sarah ...and that there is no realtionship...i didnt ask sarah for money..or a car or anything...i didnt plan on it..but some how that is wrong ... somehow its all wrong and i dont understand...suddenly im not supposed to think of anyone else..im supposed to think of me...but when i try to think of me then im being selfish ..im being stupid...im wrong in some way...suddenly every little support that i have is being taken away from me..and i am alone...im being told that i shouldnt be seeing sarah that i shouldnt see curvon that i shouldnt do or see anyone..because im in this hole and i guess she is the only one helping me and she cant even do that because i just get that whole conversation about how it is to much..how she has stuff to pay and she cant..and its just all warped in my head...suddenly i feel that i just need the knife and i will shut down and just not talk about anything at all...it doesnt help..there is no such thing as happy..not for me...

i cant stop smiling

ok well i cant stop smiling inside..i had a talk with sarah last night that has left me feeling incredible special and important and loved..i dont want that feeling to go away. i want to be hugged and kissed and lloved for just being me...flaws and all ..no i dont want to lose this feeling at all...

cant process

today has been one of those days that has left me feeling empty..and drained...im so very ashamed to say that i was scammed..paid the guy and he didnt show up today..i feel so stupid..so hurt...i started crying and couldnt stop...called my supervisor in tears..told her i couldnt get to work..mommy called me and i just picked up the phone ..and was still crying ..so she got the story..and all of that..she demanded i give her tramaines number..so that she could ask tramaine if she would take me to work...and against all of my better judgement..and after telling her no..she got tramaines number and actually called her...skip ahead about 20 mins...ive calmed down..and entered into no mans land..i went and got a knife out of the kitchen...the same one i used the last time i cut..and i got  shaver...i was looking for the hammer to break it apart when my office called and said that they would be sending someone to pick me up and take me to work...i call to tell mommy that and she of c ourse informs me that she has talked to tramaine and that she said she would come and get me..tramaine can home before i left..and proceeded to yell at me..told me i was selfish, mean, and that i needed to grow up..she said that i was mean to her...that if i was upset with her that i needed to get over it..that she hadnt left me stranded..that she had been waiting for me to call...so on and so forth..before she even started she told me that she would hurt my feelings..i let her say her piece..i went into obident mode...she said i was whatever and i agreed..it didnt matter...i am selfish..worthless..mean..stupid.i said i was...later on tonight i apologized for being mean.and hurting her feelings because thats what i was supposed to do...that is what was expected..she said i wasnt giving enough..that she doesnt owe me money...and the thing that tramaine doesnt seem to understand is that yes i can hold a grudge..and that when i am scared and waiting and have been let down then i will freak out..and if i want to talk to my sister or sarah or whoever then that is my option..not hers...i dont need conversations being passed along to tramaine because that is a trigger..not being able to trust that i am safe if someone is listening to my conversations..and passing them along...tramaine doesnt understand that mommy controls everything and i told her that i didnt ask mommy to call her..that i did give her the number but still told her not to call...so i was pretty much a mess..i hid the knife under my pillow and left to go and wait for my ride...i just thought while i was waiting..thinking and planning and plotting and just sad and very very hurt...i didnt really want to be at work..i was tired ..worn out...angry and depressed...i was ..i am sick of everyone managing to hurt me ..and so i planned to hurt myself...i dont care..i still dont care...and i realize that i am heading into suicidal zone....very very close to the edge..i still have the knife..its not in my bed.but its close..i need it...i need protection..i need to be able to stay calm...no one cares ... and i am feeling so very alone..im screwing up..i keep screwing up and im getting so tired of having to keep fighting..having to keep trying when i just want to give up...ive cried and cried and cried..ive tried to stay safe..ive been more withdrawn and upset and easily irritated...and im not even sure i can explain why..im overwhelmed..and stressed out to the max...i dont want to do this anymore...i really dont ...

just thinking

well i did end up taking the bus today to therapy...i think it was a waste sorta because i couldnt get it together and actually talk about what was really bothering me...me talked about my current car issues..and work and stuff..and im freaked out completely about it..but i have to think of something..the bus ride was still really anxiety producing ..and made me nervous because i just started out wrong..i got on the wrong bus..and thankfully asked and was told where i needed to go instead...and then missed my stops and all of that and so i was worried i was going to be late and all of that...but i made it right on time pretty much..and i figure that one of the things about walking places and riding the bus and being out like that makes me feel so exposed and vulnerable..like everyone is watching me..and it makes me just feel so paranoid...blah ... i hate it...but i do know now how to get to three of the main places that i go to..so that works i guess..i just have to remind myself that i can get there..

but as for the car and work issue..im thinking of asking the people who helped me move ...ive called rental places...im talked to all my friends..the buses arent an option..and so i have exhusted like every option i can think of..and so now im left with majorly shady options ..like posting an ad on craigslist..and trying to find someone to pay to get me back and forth to work...at least for right now...i dont know what else to do...im majorly short on funds and so my options are even more limited...ugh

i did call kathy today..and she brought up an interesting comment..and pretty much it was ...im managing to fall apart repeatedly in the time since ive not been around her...and it took a little while to start but once it started..then it just grow and rolled all over the place...im bouncing around on jobs..im doing not so great..im managing and not managing ..and just the past year itsself has been a lot of ups and downs..ok more downs than ups..but all the same..a lot ..she said that im just having a down time and that it will get better..im just hoping that soon i will be able to tell her that im stable again...i really have gotten rather unstable ..and that does make me feel sad...like i just cant seem to manage...normally im able to keep a job...but lately i cant even do that...my judgement is being called into question majorly...ugh...so yeah..but i did enjoy talking to her..i miss her..i really do..

ive been hiding out in my room all afternoon pretty much..avoiding both tramaine and sheena...i have nothing really to say to them.but as the evening comes the more frustrated  i am..that im the one hiding in my room and i did nothing wrong..but i do have to go and get cat food..so i have to go to the store ..which kind of means getting dressed again...and well walking to the store....blah...

maybe ill work on the ad first and then go to the store.... im running out of time...blah

my fault my fault

she actually came and told me it was my fault..that i was supposed to call her..and since i didnt she went to work...this morning when i got out of her car she said she would be back at 2..i told her i would call if i could leave early..but its my fault that she just went ahead and went to work...i knew i was stupid

triggered

had to take the buses home today..my roommate forgot me i guess..but she didnt show up..i waited for over an hour..because i was so stupid i just kept waiting hoping she would come..and she didint .. i tried calling her and no answer...and i was going to walk home but was to scared..and finally went and got some cash out of the atm and tried the bus even though i didnt know where exactly it went or where i needed to get off..i told her i was scared of the buses..but i couldnt think of any other way to get home..so got on the bus..i couldnt think..and i was so scared i was going to get lost .. and not knowing where to get off or the schedule..or anything..there were to many people..i dont like feeling lost..or that i dont know where im going..i dont like being left or abandoned because that is a major trigger...mommy threatened to leave me places all the time...i dont like being somewhere i dont know by myself..i dont like not knowing where im at or going ...even just feeling lost is a trigger...im trying to disappear on the bus and cant..i had to ask someone for help because i wasnt sure where to go when i got off the first bus..and i tried to figure it out on my own..i really did and i was to stupid to figure it out on my own..finally got on the right bus to come home and it was to crowded..i tried to get as cllose to the window as i could and still someone sat beside me..im trying to get home and not have a break down or a panic attack...finally start to recongize where im at and get off and walk the rest of the way home..and i get home and completely break down..im still crying..a bit...trying to get grounded and calm down...cant brethe im so anxious and worked up...im so so upset and scared still..i dont want to cry anymore..my head hurts...i took two of the anxiety meds trying to calm down and maybe they are starting to kick in..i dont know..