a day ?

yesterday was a little rough as i am taking things immesly personal and reacting in not so great ways ...

like i told mommy i was going to do the pharmacy tech class..so i would have another job if needed and all of that and she shot the idea down completely..i immediately became defensive and by the end of the conversation had just about given up on the idea entirely .. like before talking to her i was so excited about the class..about making a choice for something to do...and after talking to her and have her tell me that the tech class would be a step down for me and that i should be doing something better.  in my opinion she was saying the job was beneath me..and that goes against everything i freakin stand for...nothing is beneath me..im not on some pedestal that makes me better than anyone else...and it hurt a lot. and i shut down totally..i didnt try to think it through because all i could think was that it was a stupid idea and i dont know what i bother trying.  suicidal thoughts are slipping back in and so i went to sleep. i talked to sarah last night and she encouraged me to do it...but i keep going back to mommy and the things she said and i just feel like a disappointment and a failure because i cant seem to manage to do what she wants me to do..i cant seem to manage to be enough for her..nothing i do..i cant lose enough weight, i cant get my skin to look better, im not active enough for her..its all about her .. she says i dont tell her enough or talk to her enough and its like i try and it turns into a very one sided argument until i give up and agree with her...the need to obey is strong again..to do what she says..im a coward...a failure and a coward..there is a lot of anger and i dont know what to do with it so i just end up taking it out on myself...right now it is food that is the weapon...although getting sick the other night was a total surprise..but i am eating way to much..punishment...and my thoughts are pulling in on themselves...i think im struggling but i keep saying im fine. i am fine..sometimes..and sometimes i am so stuck in my head that reality is an illusion..

i dont know . confusion

my head is going a million miles a minute as i try to figure out how to save the world...ok im trying to figure out how to make a million things work out and figure out how much i need to save for stuff and what to do about things and how to make it all work out .. a million things to do..but i cant seem to think clearly enough or slow enough to find a solution to anything..i just think and think and over think all of it until its all just a mass of confusion stuck in my head.   maybe it is the little things that the meds help..like slowing my thoughts down and letting me think though things..it dampens the anger .. it helps me be around people without wanting to bite someones head off. right now i want to be left alone..my head hurts and i was sick a couple times last night so im just not feeling good..but at the same time my eyes are heavy and i feel like crying..but why?   there is nervous energy...a lot of nervous energy that i dont know how to get rid of .. i have to move..i have to think..i just have to do something and since my body is not working right today then my mind has gone off into a million different directions..trying to solve problems..trying to plan and organzie and just do something..anything.. i need to slow my head down and i cant..nothing seems to work..sleep?  i ate way to much yesterday but the egg rolls did not agree with me in the end and i got sick ...my stomach is sore and tender and gross today but im not feeling nauseous anymore at least ..  little thoughts are beginning to slip in about taking all of my medicine and just calling it quits...  maybe laying down is a good idea ..  i think things may be heading into a not so good place..am i supposed to call courtney?  no. im fine.  super fine. awesomely fine.  i said i would stop them and get to a base line.  i just dont know where that base line is going to fall..

a lot on my mind tonight

these past few days have really given me a run for my money..i am stressed and im trying not to be stressed because stress could be aggravating my stomach issues..ugh

so many things in my head..so many questions and thoughts and feelings and im just currently at  a major loss as to what i want my next steps to be..but i have to make a plan..i have to figure everything out..

ok well the trip home was a disaster..a big huge disappointing disaster..and the end result is that i have been changed 4 times for hotels..and i am forced to wait for money to be returned to me..im stuck right now with pretty much nothing..thanks to all the changes on my card..and then my tire blew out on the road and paying for that and borrowing money from sarah.. and being so so overwhelmed..

so i saw the med doc today and agreed to coming off of two of the main meds..so see if they are contributing to the stomach stuff...doc said taper but i dont taper well so im just stopping both of them..because that makes more sense to me..i know it is going to suck royally but i will do it... then i saw my primary doc and my sugar is way up and the insulin talk happened again we talked about me being constantly sick with the pills and that maybe they arent right for me. but i want them to be right. i really really do.. she mentioned ibs and i told her that sometimes i do think the stomach stuff is aggravated by stress..so i have an appointment to see the nutritionist..i have an appt to see the behavioral health people, to work on stress management and stuff..still no word on seeing a therapist..so still waiting on that...

spent an hour and a half on the phone with mommy..where she talked about everything that happened with the hotels and then talked about the tire stuff..then im compared to sarah..and questioned about when im moving out..and she actually asked me if i made sarah give me money to get a new tire on my car yesterday :( i didnt..i wouldnt do that..i cant make sarah do a damn thing..but she questioned me about it. told me i take everything for granted..that i want everything to be my way. i dont understand :( she also told me that i need to stop getting stressed and overwhelmed and crying.... nothing i do is right at all..like all this stuff happened in three days but i cant feel any negative way about it..i talked to courtney about what happened and she said me and sarah worked good together..that sarah helped me calm down and supported me...but then i talk to mommy and its completely different...i end up questioning everything that happened...every reaction..every thing..she is mad that i didnt want to go out to dinner that first night because i was frustrated and overwhelmed and just asked to pick something up..emotions need to die again it seems...just go away and not happen at all cas it just gets me in more trouble

and then had a long conversation with sarah about moving to canada. the move isnt even my biggest hang up..my hang up is that i will not be able to see Noa or Marley or the boys.  I wont be a drive away.  i will be really really far away and that scares and worries me.  im scared to leave my doctors, im scared to be in a totally new place...im scared to lose what little bit of support i have...crap im just scared. maybe that is it..quite simply put i am scared..but i have said i will see it through, because things in the usa are scary at this point.  very scary. and sarah is feeling unsafe and i have my moments of wondering if i am safe.  it is a big move. a giant step.  a huge no turning back step.  of course there is a major process with moving to canada..applications and major application fees and tests and finding a job and a place to live and all sorts of stuff... they recommend going to visit and find an area and place to live that way.. time frame we are looking at is like 2 years from now.  but i also found out that the application process to even get permanent residence can take up to two years! like i said it is a huge process..unfortunately it is much more than just deciding to move and going.. also you have to be approved to move to canada ...like they can decide they dont want you. seriously .. im like well damn hae i done anything that would get me kicked out of a country before i even get there!  and im wondering if we need a lawyer or something to help with the process. blah .. a lot of questions ..and a lot of confusing information..and a lot of wondering.  but of course this also will cost a heck of a lot of money..the application fee alone is more than $1000 !  so no going to new york, no getting married, cause saving will be so important..the new goal is to get a better car and work towards that point of moving to canada...it makes me sad though...it really does changing plans and stuff..no cruise to alaska either i guess ..

life is all about change right ??  life is all about trying new things and living and doing things..and i just wonder if this is my time for a major change..well the beginnings of a major change..im stilll not 100% sold on the idea..and i know that is fear talking..but who knows where things will go from here..

not the best trip

im so so so disappointed in how this trip has turned out.  i know it was only going home..but i was hoping for a good trip..instead i ended up upset and frustrated and tearful and ready to just turn around and go back to richmond last night instead of staying.

i got to town and learned there is a policy now that is being enforced that says i can not stay in a hotel in wilmington if my address is within 50 miles of the hotel. My address was about 30 miles away. I had to cancel the reservation and then hunt for a hotel that would take my ID .. in the rain yesterday. my sister ended up finding one for me but the entire ordeal was frustrating and anxiety producing. I was ready to give up and go back home i got so frustrated yesterday. it was a mess. i was a mess. and to make it ALL that much better the first hotel cancelled the reservation and still charged me the full amount. ive called to get a refund but now it is a waiting game. i am not happy with this little trip at all. i did actually get all of my car stuff done but im just anxious and sad and kinda ready to go home. im hanging around to see my niece and nephews and the plan is still to go home tomorrow. im just tired. and still a bit freaked out. and broke. lets not forget broke thanks to the stupid hotel. 

i ended up finding a hotel thanks to my sister calling around for me.  we are staying til tomorrow and then going back home..but the whole thing has me feeling down..and out of sorts..upset and sad..and so frustrated..there was nothing stating this new policy and so it was unexpected and totally out of the blue..i looked at the man like he was crazy when he told me and nia didnt even believe me when i told her! ugh..

i had trouble falling asleep last night and i woke up this morning still feeling anxious and on edge. so i am writing and the whole thing that just me upset all over again. so it hasnt been as helpful..but i did it...

anxiety !

with going home tomorrow my anxiety has skyrocketed into no mans land..ugh...it has been a rough and very shaky day..i still get filled with dread when going home and having to be around mommy..it hasnt changed in all these years :(  i dont know if it ever will change..the stress and worry and anxiousness just makes me so tired and leaves me on edge..and very close to tears ... im seeing courtney next week and hopefully i will be able to get the anxiety meds back..

but i didnt bail out of going to Muse tonight.  it was a bit harder this time around as i was very anxious. it was more crowded and very loud tonight.  but i absolutely loved the picture  for the night and i feel like i can say i did an awesome job on it! i was super focused and worked really hard on it.  we will probably go back to do one in feb towards the end of the month.

i did a lot of stuff around the house today...kinda to just stay busy..got us both packed, snacks packed, went to the grocery store, cleaned out the cats litter box, baked cookies (GF) , took out the trash, went to Muse, AAND took a nap !  for me this is huge..this is the most active i have been in days ..sometimes the anxiety gets me moving and doing things..when its really bad that is ..

the plus side to going home is of course getting to see marley and the boys, nia and noa will be coming down while we are there so getting to see them also, surprisingly i could care less about the car stuff but it has to be done..

now im laying down..and waiting for sleep...tomorrow is a four hour drive and im trying hand not to push myself to get home and prove i am good enough ... but i know i will still try and still be disappointed..but maybe this time will be different ..maybe

its almost feb...wow and other stuff

this year is off to a really fast start..i cant believe that it is already almost feb...essh ..i would ask where this month has gone but it is passing in a weird im always sick and not feeling good haze..blah..

im working much harder on my eating !  my stomach is finally begining to lose the bloated and over full feeling...i am cutting out the bread a lot and using more gluten free stuff again...like this morning i had gluten free pancakes with sausage..and i actually only ate 3 pancakes and not the whole box !  i have to admit that eating gluten free does make me feel better physically .. like not as heavy you know...im adding salad back in to my diet..ok im adding lettuce back into my diet..im not big on making like huge salads...some lettuce and salad dressing and im good...i still have days where i do eat bread though..just not an every day thing..and im learning that if i do eat bread then it needs to be early in the day and not late in the afternoon/evening..cas it leaves me feeling way to full! and then i just feel kinda bloated and gross and stuff..but like im planning on going out to eat while im at home to a seafood place...so im eating carefully to kinda allow myself to eat there and not freak out...im trying to be careful and not go overboard with cutting things out of my diet..im not huge on sweets but i love potato chips ...and i like gf cake when i make it.  i havent wanted any cake lately though...i found some really good gluten free cookies though.  so its kinda of just moving along...now that im working on my diet i know my biggest weakness currently is the sweet drinks...that is a major downfall ugh...ive been testing my sugar a little bit and the numbers are higher than i like...and i know my drinking habits are effecting it..so yep..next round will deal with drinks.  ive gotta find a good type of unsweet tea ... so gross ! im still having a few stomach issues...ive started the new medication and im not sure if it is working yet or not..i know i need to give it more time though..so im trying not to jump the gun and just stop taking it! im on januvia now..im pretty sure i will need a higher dose though..but i will see what the doc says next week..but starting the meds has me feeling a bit odd...i restarted the wellbutrin at the same time and so im a little but fuzzy headed and out of sorts at times..

then i come back from going home im going to join the rec center.  that is my goal.  that will help get me out of the house a little bit.  i need to figure out a way to get myself motivated to not stay in bed all day.. maybe find a class or something to take.i dont know yet.. maybe one thing at a time so i dont get overwhelmed and stop doing everything.

im going home next week..monday - wed  to do car stuff..see my nephews, go out to eat, and see nia and noa since they will be coming down too.  so all of that crammed into 2 and a half days. but then it will be a good long while before i see mommy again...she is trying to be controlling again and telling me what i need to do and stuff..and im telling her ok and making my own plans ...im trying not to fight with her about things..

my travel plans have changed a little bit...and i will be going to my brothers wedding in aug, and then we are going to new york around my birthday.  those are the two big trips for this year.. i wanted to go to sc for noas birthday and i cant now..but it is ok..we are all gonna try to go down for the wedding.. so starting to save up for both of those trips ...

i am frustrated about  a letter i got from the IRS about insurance...im even more frustrated that an ok plan for me would be 350 a month..it doesnt cover all of my medications, i would have to change doctors, everything would become more expensive..and the 31st is the deadline...ive compared and stressed and worried and thought out the entire thing and right now that doesnt work for me..im going to have to deal with the penalty because i cant afford that extra 350 a month right now..i have better coverage going through the clinic i am at now and getting some of my meds through them and being able to be referred for free and all of that..it isnt going to work .. i will try again next year..maybe it will work out better then..but for now..it is not helpful to me..

i see anita today after more than a month with no therapy.  i think i will make today the last session..hanging on is just causing more anxiety.  im not upset any more..im just sad and struggling with having so much in my head and not having a sounding board anymore to just listen to me ramble...im still waiting on a call from the clinic that will have me put with someone new..but i am still waiting.. and it is depressing..well things have been depressing ..and really rough at times..i dont know what to really do about any of it...just waiting it seems. and trying to keep making it through each day..

but i guess that is all of my rambles for now..needed to clear my head a bit and just write..today is one of those i am feeling a bit off days..so i may lay back down for a bit.. 

food issues ...yet again

im frustrated with myself..im frustrated with my body..im just frustrated in general...once again i am stuck laying down because my stomach is hurting and cramping ...im no longer taking the metformin but i started the new med yesterday...along with my other med that i was missing and well..my body is trying to adjust to them and im stuck feeling sick...once again i am obsessing over everything food related...i know im not eating the best but that is going to change...obviously i needed to test out things first ..ugh..so im going to work on going back gluten free..with only a few exceptions to that ...which will be totally planned in !  but just im feeling so blahish..so out of it...so so just not myself i guess...i know on some level i need to take care of myself..but the urge to follow through with that is so fleeting...i want to but i dont put the effort into it more than a few days...and then i get sick and its like for fucks sake give me a break here..sometimes it is hard to fight the mental stuff just to deal with the physical stuff...it is a major headache..it is tiring..i dont like it..most days i mean i dont out right hate myself...but the low self esteem is there...the not liking myself is still there..the need to punish myself comes and goes...the anxiety stays up these days and im just trying to maintain...to survive..to not go totally backwards..to not take things to the extreme..its one or the other..food or cutting and right now food issues are winning out majorly ... i wish i didnt have the constant need to take things out on my body...but i am such an easy target :( i cant escape myself ..

mixed up

tonight i am feeling really mixed up and tired.like my thoughts are going a mile a minute and i want to just talk and talk and talk but i dont actually say much outloud.  i forget sometimes and do start talking to myself out loud and i have to stop myself and remind myself to be quiet...its like trying to reprimand a child who has the attention span of a bug..