Goodbye 2016

As 2016 comes to a close i wish i could say that im thinking wonderful thoughts about 2017..something inspirational, something to change the world..but im actually not...im honestly thinking about what time i can go to bed and if i need to set my alarm for 11:50pm.

My thinking is pretty low key right now..and today has been an ok day...i cooked dinner and it was super good..we had ice cream and pie for dessert..and i got sarahs xbox set up for her, i went to the store too.  little things..i wasnt feeling good this morning and into the afternoon and that is so frustrating...i do plan to make some changes with my health going into the new year..because i feel awful more days than i feel good..and i hate it...i have things to save up for trips and other fun stuff with sarah in 2017.  but honestly i am coming to the conclusion that i need to learn to deal with and take care of myself...  i havent cut in maybe 4 or 5 months ..i think the last time was aug..my eating issues though are alive and well and that bothers me a bit.  i want to get another kitten.  i want to travel and go places and do things.. i keep myself trapped in a lot of ways and i want that to change..but im not making resloutions...now i ust have goals ..things i want to work towards... and i think my biggest goal is finding my sisters grave when i go to new york..once i figured that out i just cant seem to let it go...i have to find her..and i will..

2016 has been a heck of a year...it started off really rocky and it is ending on a very stable note...i mean i have a place to live..im with sarah..i have kai and gizmo..ive made new friends..i met new people..i got to travel to new places .. i am paying bills and not running out of money so quickly..ok holiday season sooooo doesnt count lol... but in all honesty i am doing much better today than i was at this point last year... i have been trying .. really actually trying ..and i guess it is beginning to pay off...my goal to become more stable actually happened and that is a bit mind blowing ! i did it..with sarahs help and support ..i realize i am more stable.. wow

all things must come to an end though and this year ends in only a few hours.  im hoping that next year will bring about more growth and happiness..

Goodbye 2016 

Hello 2017

Made it through Christmas and other stuff

I am safely back at home now after spending a few days out of town at my sisters...it was overall a good trip...it helped tremendously that mommy has a 'guy friend' to spend time with and wasnt there a lot of the time...when she was there she did her usual stuff like invading my personal space, standing over me, watching me, telling me how i looked or what i needed to do to look better..exercise. make sure im going to work..the usual stuff...i tried not to let it get to me...i noticed also how much she confuses me...like she takes control..yes..but then she makes it seem like im the one that gave instructions or said i was going to do something..and she asks or states it in a way that i have to agree to it..and then im confused because im not sure if i came up with the idea or if she did..i dont know how things get so twisted around so quickly or easily..but it happens a lot...for dinner on christmas i ended up feeling so confused and upset but at the same time doubting myself big time ... it keeps me on edge and on the defense...there are just some things i dont like you know...and im noticing it more...but all that aside im glad i went for christmas and sarah came too.   i got some pretty cool stuff for christmas..like the bobble heads im collecting and more coloring stuff, shoes and clothes and socks..a new ds system and games, a panini maker, a grill, and a waffle maker and other stuff..mommy went all out this year...and my secret santa and sarah and nia and noa...got the cutest picture from noa that she drew ..im gonna hang it up :)

the drive up there wasnt awful..but the drive back was..and i got so irritated and frustrated and cranky..almost 9 hours on the road stuck in a lot of traffic...ugh..i truly hated drving yesterday and my body is letting me know that it is not pleased either...im so sore and achy and tired ... im keeping it simple today...not doing anything at all ...but i do want to get some cleaning done this week..and kinda air out the apartment after being gone a few days ..and get rid of the ever present cat litter smell..essh

i have been thinking a lot about the new year and what i want from it..what i want out of it...we have been talking about trips and saving and me looking for a new job...all good things of course...but at the same time i know i need to get a handle on my health...i really need to talk to my doctor and figure some things out... i really really think that the meds im taking for the diabetes is causing a big portion of my stomach issues...like i accidently left them home while out of town and my stomach was upset once out of five days...im going to stop takin them...but in doing that i really have to work on my diet and portion sizes ..and of course exercise...i can tell im getting puffy.and i dont like that..my stomach stays bloated and gassy and stuff and it is a pain...im going to look into some of the more herbal/natural stuff to help with digestion and things since i dont have a gall bladder...im kinda tired of all the chemicals and stuff..and the meds dont help with not gaining weight..but im not making excuses..i know i make some pretty poor choices some days... but just a lot on my mind recently..and i need to get a better handle on my stomach anyway to be able to handle working and not running back and forth to the bathroom all day long !

i have to go home in a couple weeks to get my car stuff done...staying for three days..in a hotel..sarah is coming to and it is more comfortable for us to be in a hotel...so going to be doing that...and then that is all the traveling for a while...

i need to work on saving up for the ny trip..and the trip for noas birthday..and a few other things..maybe sometime in the not so far future ill be able to save up for another car...who knows..

but ive been thinking you know..and i think i want to make it a goal to get off the medication in the next year...well it may take longer than a year..but i do think i want to work towards that..and see...hmm there are a lot more thoughts with that but no time to write about it right now...more thinking ....

still am hurting a lot about the no therapy thing..trying to deal and be ok and all of that..but i miss having someone to talk to about things..i really do..

about to hit the road

we are leaving around 8am to begin the drive to my sisters...im anxious and nervous and a little excited..i know my sister wants to see me..and ill get to see noa..that is exciting to me..got to get up and do some last minute stuff and get dressed and eat and then we will be hitting the road!

im trying to hold on to the ok feeling...im not rushing...im not going to push myself ..im ust going to work my hardest to take things as they come..

somewhere i will find a smile..and hopefully be able to keep it.

but going to push back the sad thoughts.. thats the plan

just...another day to get through

the tears are to close for comfort..the anxiety doesnt truly go away..i am waiting for the fallout i guess and the waiting is destroying me...i manage to come up with the worst case scenario and then amplify it even bigger than that..in my head im about to walk into an all out war ..and i am already the loser...i am judging myself harshly..and highlighting everything that is wrong with me in my eyes..i want to hurt myself..i want to destroy the bad parts of me..the parts of me that she doesnt like..which i guess is all of me....the urge not to eat is there...the urge to be quiet and good is there..the urge to not fight and agree is there...the urge to become a puppet is there..and they all are at war with themselves and im stuck in the middle with no neutral ground...everything i learned in therapy or talked through feels like it has flown out the window...i feel like i am moving back into survival mode because i cant get myself to stay calm enough to do anything consistently..and i just think..i get so caught up thinking and planning and thinking and disagreeing..and thinking and convincing myself that i need to be perfect..so perfect..and knowing at the same time that it is not possible...i wish i could be okay with being myself ..and maybe i can..but right now..right now all of those ideas are gone and have been replaced with accusations and mean words and hurtful thoughts...i am my own worse enemy :( and that truly makes me sad ...

..mostly sad thoughts

it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year..but i am just sad and riddled with anxiety...im beginning and panic and not feel good...the closer it gets to seeing mommy and the more i feel like i am falling apart at the seams...so so many old thoughts are running through my head..not wanting to eat, wanting to cut, trying to figure out what is acceptable to wear and what is not ... i have to be perfect..and failing means punishment..i have to get it right...i have to be do it right this time so i will fit in..so i will be a ccepted..so i will ust be more than me.. -sigh- so hard right now...i want to be happy but i cant seem to let go of the old thoughts..i cant seem to let go of the fear..the anger..the hurt..its all still there..its still overwhelming..and i can feel myself once again trying to pull myself back inside of myself if that makes sense...i want quiet..i want something..i want to be anyone else..i am afraid of failing and im afraid that i wont be able to handle the disappointment of not being good enough...once again...im trying to anticipate the conversations to prepare myself..but i get scared and stop...i ust go quiet and start thinking a million things..a million thoughts..my chest hurts..my head hurts..i dont have the energy to be happy..im to afraid to be happy..im afriad it will be taken from me ..and what then?? have i mentioned that i am tired ...i really just want to get this over with...and that thought alone takes so much fun out of being at my sisters and with my niece and everyone...im to nervous and anxious about all of it..

today i am lectured about my car and how it looks...the other day i was lectured again about my clothes and what i was going to be wearing... no i just dont fit in at all..no it doesnt matter what i do or dont do..its all about looks and i just keep failing in that department ...it doesnt matter if its me or my car or my apartment..i fail..i always fail..im always reminded that i need to do better..be better...there is no me..there is what everyone else needs and that is it...im am empty and have no idea what i want anymore or what i like..maybe i never did ..maybe ill never be anything but what someone else needs from me..im only as good as the money i can let someone borrow or give someone..that is all ...  no one needs me at all...who would notice if i was gone ?? who would care ?

the struggling hasnt stopped

i am trying to find the words to explain how i am feeling and i am coming up with nothing...my head hurts and im tired of thinking ..

im back to feeling nauseous and sick and sad and upset

i say anita yesterday and it took everything i had not to cry while i was there .... i agreed to being referred but there is a wait list... i have the option of seeing her once a month but if every visit leaves me feeling so broken then im not sure it is worth it..im really not ... i dont know how to tell her how i am feeling..and i get so sad that i dont want to talk to her about anything..and once a month will do nothing in the way of helping manage anything..there will be to much time inbetween..or i will forget and then i just keep struggling ... like i told her..i have to manage myself ..but managing myself means all sorts of things...i slept all day today...woke up around 3:30...feeling sick..my head hurts and im having trouble thinking .. i just want to hide out ..  im so tired...im wanting to die .. i feel so very alone ... i know logically that i am not alone but i am feeling alone ...  

stomach woes

my stomach has not been feeling good lately...i keep feeling nausous and my stomach hurts and cramps and just overall feels gross and to full...in the past week and i half ive thrown up 5 times and had other issues going on to...my stomach goes from sour to not sour but constantly hurts...so im eating more bland things..today ive had noodles and ginger ale .. and some naesuea medicine.. im so hoping my stomach calms down because i have things to do later this week..like well tomorrow and friday and my stomach hurting is not helping anything ... not to mention i kinda want some real food lol..but i figure i can keep things light for now and hopefully by saturday my stomach will be ok enough that i can get a baked potato!  but for now i think ill be sticking to ginger ale, noodles, dry toast, and apple sauce...i think that is all i can handle ..im trying to take care of myself and i just dont feel good...

i was thinking last night and i realize that around this time last year i ended up sick and in the hospital ...  maybe it is stress aggravating all of this ...i dont know ...its blahish

mentally i feel a little better than yesterday...im worn out and struggling ... maybe its a good thing that i know im struggling and trying to keep myself busy...i have no idea why i was crying yesterday ..but yeah i was a mess and ended up sleeping most of the day away...i slept ok last night and i got up this morning feeling a little tired ..but sick..so blah..but im thinking a little more clearly today..so ill take it i guess..

going down...

i know i am being mean and cranky and irrational and jealous and angry and sad and it just keeps going back and forth...revolving door ... i dont know what to do with myself...i want to just keep hiding away in bed...i feel useless .. bogged down...unable to manage ... i have no way to get it out..its just staying inside..there is no pressure valve to help..not safe ones anyway...i get closer and closer to making poor decisions ..but i want to feel better...i have to get through the rest of the holidays .. already the expectations from mommy on how i look and what to wear makes me feel bad about myself...i didnt need any help..and ive been trying to become more ok with myself..and one conversation had me right back to feeling awful and sad and wanting to be mean to myself .. its like im still not good enough..not with two jobs because i can always squeeze in a third..not with eating because i still get sick...not with my weight becuase im not losing fast enough...things mount against me increasingly fast...and i am left feeling inadequate and stupid ... my thoughts are getting away from me ..and i just keep thinking that i should be better..i should know better...and i dont ...and i keep getting stuck and i keep feeling bad and i start to feel like its better if i just end it now ..and i forgot that this time of year is rough..and look i have no therapist anymore..so i may as well just keep quiet and suck it up and deal with life but then i just want to not be here anymore because it all becomes to much and i dont know how to help myself and im not sure i even want to some days...and i dont feel like i can really talk to anita anymore..ill go and say goodbye and wish her well..but she isnt privy to anything about me anymore..she isnt going to be there so there is no need to tell her anything..so just another week of trying and failing to manage and get by.. i better stop...

drained

my brain is feeling very sluggish..slow..like it feels like it is taking me a long time to form and organize my thoughts...i know i am struggling today..and im trying my hardest ..but i just want to escape..yesterday started the downward spiral again and i feel stuck in it..i feel sick and tired and my head hurts and i just want to sleep..i dont want to think or do anything..just sleep away each day...

sarah got me roses today .. a surprise..they are wonderful and i love them..i have them on my dresser so i can keep looking at them...

depression has me firmly in its grip currently...

i am tired

im nervous about seeing the med doc...i feel like im still in shut down mode but i also know that she will have read the notes from my last therapy session and she may go along with me not seeing anyone..but if things get bad she will make me see someone...not force so much..as you arent leaving until i know you are safe see someone...it happened before...it will most likely happen again.. i dont know what i want ...

today is monday

i would be lying if i said i wasnt looking for ways to hurt today...  maybe ill just escape into sleep as much as i can today...  my routine is off now without mondays being therapy days... :(  i feel alone

where i am ..

i truly wish i had some concrete idea of where i am going or what i am doing..but i dont ... knowing that i wont be seeing anita or getting that support is really hard to deal with ... i do have an appointment with her in a couple weeks that i have finally decided to keep and not cancel..because i know the session for this week was a bust..it was pretty awful and i was being mean..well i feel like i was being mean and i guess i need to talk to her about how im feeling... im not struggling as much with the negative thoughts but if i stop and think to hard about it then they come flooding back...i am safe ..i dont think i really want to be but i am...i also know that if i have to much of a break down and start cutting again then courtney will kinda force me into seeing someone new..or else try to get me into the hospital and i want to avoid that..im just taking things day by day...and hoping i will be able to keep myself safe and ok..i dont want to be jealous that sarah has all sorts of support and i just lost mine..but i think it just makes me sad that i feel so alone all of a sudden..and so ive been keeping to myself more i guess..i mean i still do stuff with sarah of course and i did actually tell her how i was feeling..its just hard finding level ground right now..

sarah got me some new video games and ive been spending a lot of time playing them..it helps keep me distracted...ive ordered some christmas gifts and i got me some new long sleeve shirts and pjs and bras .. i still have a little more shopping to do though..we leave to go to nias on the 22 and come back on the 27th..i wanted to stay down there through new years but mommy may be going up to nias and i just dont want to have to deal with that...mommy doesnt know i dont have my day job anymore or that i have extra hours with sarah...i dont want to argue with her about it .. i dont want to hear how i need that job because i cant get anything else..no..ill just leave..and thats the end of it... i hate how mommy always tries to make it seem like sarah cant handle things...like with going to nias..she says that its good we have a hotel because it might be to loud and crowded for sarah..or sarah needs more privacy..something along those lines...i mentioned henrys new years eve party and im told..oh its gonna be a bunch of his friends from college you dont want to go..or he doesnt have a lot of space you wouldnt have fun...but i let it go .. i dont have the energy to argue ..so i listen and hurry to get off the phone...its like me and sarah go all over the place and manage just fine..but mommy just has to put in her two cents when it comes to family stuff..well she has to add her two cents into everything but it hurts more with the family stuff...

we are planning the ceremony for next oct and im scared to death to even mention it to mommy...i want her to come..but i am deathly afraid that she wont .. that she will tell me again that she doesnt agree and that she isnt going to come... even writing it makes me anxious and sad...ive talked to nia about it of course..i cant even invite anyone else in my family because mommy is so determined to make sure no one knows... but i have friends up here who want to come..and im trying to focus on that...we dont plan on having a huge ceremony so less than 50 people...but i want it to be a happy day..not a stressful one...but the fear of letting her know about it is huge..and its not even that i will be asking her for money..no sarah and i will figure out how to pay for it by ourselves..so that no one feels obligated to chip in i guess...i dont know... it is beginning to overshadow things though..and that just makes me sad...we are going to look at a possible place to have it next week..so i will know more then...

the cats are there usual bad selves and getting into everything!  but when i was sick the other night gizmo would sit in the bathroom with me and lay down with me...i think i saw him pretty much all night lol..my stomach is feeling better though..