hopeless and tired

right now i am just feeling completely hopeless and tired of everything..i feel like everything i have dealt with for the past few weeks has been for nothing at all...its like being told my pain is not real..my pain is not important enough to be dealt with now..and what the doc wants me to do is to work on losing weight...and that is going to fix my problems?? i saw the report that said i had gallstones..and i am in pain often..it may not be excruicating pain..but it is pain...why cant he juts fix the thing that i know is causing the problem? and let me go from there?  so instead all the preparing and fear and everything has juts broken apart around me..and i dont know what to do or what to say...i really dont..i will go and see what the doc has to say next week as i dont really have a choice..well i have a choice but i might as well see what he has to say..and then i guess i will go from there... but i do know that i will no longer mention or complain about anything pain wise..whats the point?  if im sick..so be it...obviously its not bad enough to need immediate surgery so i guess ill live...and i will put it all to the back of my mind and just let it go for now...as i dont know what else to do..my head is not in a good place..and i do really feel like giving up..im tired of all of this...i really am...

what i want

i am feeling alone..and lonely..i want comfort..i fieel sick and i just want comfort..and i dont know how to get it or how to ask for it..and it just makes me feel even more alone..and i dont know what to do...depression is back..i am tired..im worn out..im tired of dealing with the hurting and not being able to do anything..i want kathy..i want physical comfort so bad it hurts..and there is no one to get it from..what do i do?  what do i need?  what do i want?  i just want to sleep...i dont want to feel anymore...

needing to address my feelings....

Lately i have been having some stomach issues...major stomach issues...my reg doc figured out it was gallstones after sending me for extra testing and all of that...she felt it was important enough to refer me to a surgeon to obviously get them removed..which means having surgery...which terrifies me so so much...

but i saw the surgeon on thursday..and it was a very shaming experience...i really feel that the doctor couldnt get past my size...couldnt focus on the fact that i was hurting..and instead told me repeatedly that i need to lose weight..that i should consider weight loss surgery..that its because im overweight that i am having problems not the pain from my gall bladder..and i listened...asked a few questions..felt really ashamed of myself...because once again its my size that is the problem..its my size that is being pointed out..and it hurt me..because i know im overweight..i know i should lose weight..i know all of that..but i didnt go see the surgeon to talk about losing weight..i went to him because i was hurting and i want that fixed...and then i can figure out what else is going on if anything..and so yes i was very hurt and ashamed and upset...i left without scheduling anything because i just couldnt get past what the doc said...talked to the person who had gone with me a little bit..and heard most of what she had said...but still i couldnt stop the tears from coming when i was by myself...i couldnt understand how things had gotten so turned out and messed up so quickly...i didnt know what to do..what to say..i know i am in pain..and i know my gallbladder is a part of it..there may be other stuff going on..but i can only deal with one thing at a time..when i was able to calm down and realize that i was becoming overwhelmed..and upset and struggling to plan what i needed to do..and it took a little while but i finally decided on a course of action...the gall bladder is something i know is wrong..something i know that can be fixed...and that is what will be worked on first...and i will deal with what ever surgery i end up having..and whatever i will be able to do or not do and recovery and all of that...i cant do a million things at once..and trying is only going to stress me out...and so i went ahead and asked for the surgery to be scheduled..i realized that i am the one in pain..and i really dont care what the surgeon thinks because i dont agree with his assessment..yes i am overweight..i have been overweight my entire life...i know that..but it is my gallbladder that is the known issue right now..that is what i want fixed right now...and the rest..well the rest is juts gonna hhave to work on it as it comes up...yes i know the importance of eating healthy..i do..i understand the need to stay healthy and get to a healthier weight..but i hate when that is made to be the whole problem..tell me something i dont know...tell me something useful...i refuse to have surgery to lose weight..i do..im not doing it..i dont care what anyone says about it..im not doing that...and so that is where things are at right now...between now and the surgery..yes i will be paying attention to what i am eating...yes i will be more vigilant about how i am feeling and not binging out on junk food..but having another doc tell me to lose weight is not going to get to me do anything..but the opposite really..tell me what to do and ill do exactly the opposite...i dont work like that..ill hear you and not hear you at the same time...but i just needed to get some of that out...

70 days

its been 70 days ... with no s/i  

do i feel proud of myself ???  i feel proud that even with all the stress and struggles going on..that i am still managing to not harm myself ...

fear....

i think that today in therapy i became down right scared..like heart stopping fear..and i dont really remember what the cause of it was..i know we were talking about my lack of eye contact..and i know we had talked about how it can be perceived...and somehow the anxiety turned into fear..i couldnt do it..i cant do it..yes it is a habit ...but i am afraid...im not able to protect myself if i look at someone and maybe that is the part of it that i need to tell alice..that im just afraid and scared and worried that something bad will happen and i will be hurt..becuase looking at someone means i am letting them in compeltely..im not avoiding them..im seeing them and they are seeing me..and i cant hide...i so very much want to hide..but what is it that i am hiding from?? the shame and guilt..the fear of being in trouble..of not being enough...the old thoughts of if you knew me..if you knew the real me..you would hate me too...i try to protect other ppl from my badness..and so i avoid connecting..i avoid all types of realtionships..i can be polite and nice and kind..but i still dont let many ppl in at all...because then i get hurt..and so i pretend i dont care..i pretend it doesnt hurt...at the bottom of it all is my non exisitent self worth..im not important..im not wanted or needed..and i still believe that..how can i trust myself when i still balked at the very idea of my existence...i may be more stable these days..and that is even a touch and go type stableness lately..im tired of fighting..for myself..with myself..against myself...i think the suicidal feelings and urges are sneaking back in..the need to hurt..the need to numb everything out...the need to just not exist...and im trying to fight it i am..but every day it gets a little bit harder...every day it takes so much energy...im closing in on myself..im closing in on everything..shutting down..trying to disappear...and im just tired...

i dont want to pretend to be happy..i dont want to pretend to be anything..but pretending is all i have..happiness and contentment still elode me..i cant find it...i want it but i cant find it..and maybe i just need to stop looking ..

sometimes i think i just want to know that i am needed..that i am important..that i am wanted...and maybe that is why my tired indifference has been so big today...i slept most of the day and this morning was close to tears when talking about what mommy told me...i am afraid to ask anyone else...and so the sadness and confusion has no where to go..i dont know what to do with myself..just sleep and not think...thats all...

my heart is broken...my mind will follow

my heart is breaking ..i can feel it..i know it..and there is nothing i can do to stop it..i cant fix it..i cant make it better..i cant do anything but hope that i dont manage to do anything stupid right now..my thoughts have become a single sentence of negativity..and thats all i hear..that im worthless..that im stupid..that im nothing...that no one wants me around..that im not important..that im not needed..over and over and over...what have i done?  what makes me so very bad and awful? and not worth anyones time or care or concern...i dont know what i was thinking...i really thought i could have the attention and care..that i would have the help and company..but again..everyone else comes before me..and i only get what is left over...maybe im not as strong as ppl think...maybe i need help and care too...maybe i dont ..i dont know...im just stupid stupid me..and no one will notice if i am not even here...

there is not enough to share...

i saw alice last week..and i told her that this wouldnt be the greateest week...but i was wrong...this week has been awful for all of the reasons that i didnt even list with her...the depression is hiting hard..and i did totally shut down for a couple days due to feeling super unsafe with myself...im trying not to do anything today that will get me out of the house to buy any razors...how long as it been?  12/15/12 was the last time i cut..almost two months..trying so hard to remember that and not go backwards again..but i am hurt..and once again i am reminded of just how important i am..and i am questioning what my worth is..am i important?  am i needed?  does anyone at all need me??  those are the thoughts running through my head..that has me ready to cry because i am feeling so hurt ..and alone..and i cant even talk to my sister since she is out of town..and i dont know...maybe im jut being a baby and over reacting..i mean i am an adult..i shouldnt need anyone to take care of me..i should be able to take care of myself..but mommy has once again put a limit on how much help she will be able to give...how much help i will truly need..for me there is a limit...and with the limit i would just rather not bother..i dont want it..i dont want her..and she has even made me doubt my sister being able to come and stay for a few days...and in the end it will jut be me..and i will just have to manage as i can...i dont know why i thought this would be any different..i really didnt...i dont ask for much..i really dont...but i wanted the attention..i wanted the support this time..because i am scared..but im not supposed to show that fear either..this is a simple surgery so what do i have to be afraid of?? no im not going to need much im told..mommy has told me and told me over and over that this is simple..that i will be fine..darn me for thinking anything different...darn me for thinking that i was important enough to just get the support and attention for this one time..but again i asked for too much..my needs cant be met..because i am to needy...because im a baby...and so i have been reminded of my place...reminded of what i can and cant have...and i feel so very alone..sad..broken...the pain is back..but again i will do what i am used to doing..smile and pretend it is not there...that is all im good for..stupid me for forgetting...i wont forget again...i wont..

anxiety....

To say things are making me anxious would be putting it nicely.... i found out yesterday that nia is on a cruise with her husband for valentines day..and the jealously was instant...i told her in the end that i was happy and hoped she had a good trip.. and i do..i am..maybe i am just feeling lonely lately..and just not feeling good and struggling so much to juts get through the day..im tired....and the urge to cut is just getting stronger..the urge to just numb out and not deal with anything is getting stronger..i want to sleep so that i dont have to think anymore.. my brother is having surgery today and i am scared for him..im ashamed at how jealous i am feeling that he is getting care and support and i am left alone to my own devices even though i am sick and been looking at having surgery for like 3 weeks now..but him getting hurt became more important..he needed immediate help and care..and so i am just back to saying that i am fine..no one likes a complainer and so i will just keep my thoughts and how i am feeling to myself..there is no point...no point in asking for anything at all..from anyone...

yesterday my anxiety spiked again with a work issue..and i was scared..i wanted to cry..and i didnt know what to do..i ended up at the dentist with a clients son...i had to go back with him because his mom couldnt do it because she is pregnant and they were giving the kid laughing gas ..which can be dangerous to pregnant women..so i went back with him..and the kid was having a tooth pulled and some fillings pput in...the fillings part was ok..he did a great job...but when they got to the pulling the tooth out..the kid lost it..and he was crying and calling for me and i couldnt do anything at all to help him..i told him i was there and finally i asked the doc if they could sit him up..becuase he wasnt hearing what they needed to do..and they got him sitting up and i was finally able to go and sit with him..and i held him..and talked to him..and got him calmed down..but with his tooth out it was bleeding and that was freakking him out and so he kept getting worked up..and so juts couldnt get him to stay calm...and i ended up calling his mom because she had walked to a different store and i told her she needed to come back now..and i ended up standing/sitting outside with the little boy..i was holding him..and got him wrapped in my coat because it was rainy and what not and we are just sitting outside..and i held him, and rocked him, and got him calmed down..and we just sat there for a while..while his mom went back to talk to the doc and go get him some medicine..and slowly he calmed down and was just laying against me..i talked to him, and kept him against me, and kept rocking him..until everything else was takin care of and then i got him in the car...and we went on with the day..but my anxiety was up..i was scared..i kept hearing him calling me for help and i couldnt get to him..i couldnt do anything until the doc was done..because the tooth was already out..it was just getting him to calm down and listen to the doc and getting him to help with stopping the bleeding by biting the gauze...and finally the docs moved away enough for me to get to him, and i hugged him..and held him..and told him over and over that he had done a good job...i had to talk to him and get him to look at me to tell him what the doc needed him to do..but becuase he was crying and pushing the gauze out of his mouth they couldnt get the bleeding to stop..and so he kept touching the area where his tooth was gone and freaking out more..and it was just so so nerve wrecking...they had to go to the store a little bit later and so i stayed in the car because i had you know blood and spit all down the front of my shirt from when he had been laying against me...which i didnt care about at all..but i wasnt aboout to walk into the store like that either..and so i used the time in the car to kinda calm down..i texted a friend and let her know that i was seriously worked up and needed help calming down ..and i played a game on my kindle and then put the relaxing music thingy on and had that play for a little while as i continued to try and calm down...and by the time it was time to take them home i was tired...worn out..achy..just not in the mood for anything at all .and i just wanted to go home and sleep and becuase they are so much farther away it takes longer to get to her..and its harder on me..driving back and forth to her...

my anxiety is raised anyway because of my appt next week to talk to the surgeon and finding out about all of that...i have asked someone to go with me to the appt..because i am scared..but will see how that goes...

there is juts to much going on right now..and i know i am just running myself down trying to do so much..but just sitting at home would drive me crazy..and the funny thing is that all i want to do is just stay at home and stay in bed...

maybe i willl find something nice to do for myself today as it is vday...i dont know..

hurting...

things are sudddenly moving to quickly and the fear is back..the anxiety is back..and all i can do is try to force it down..push it away..i cant be afraid..im not a child..this is nothing right..a little surgery..nothing to cry over..i dont neeed anyone to be babying me at all..im just stupid for forgetting where my importance lies..i forgot that anyone and everyone can come before me and now that my brother is looking at surgery before me..he is the one getting the attention..and care..and me?  well ive dropped back down to where i usually am..just waiting to be noticed..just waiting to see if anyone even cares..and so i am pulling in..i wont talk about hurting anymore it doesnt matter..i wont talk about doctors or surgury or anything because its not important..ive dealt with it in silence this long so what is a little longer...what does it matter at all.. just once i wanted the attention, the care, the support..and not even looking at surgery can i even get anyones undivided attention..so whats the point..

i dont care and no one else cares either..and i am alone..i dont know why i thought anything would be different..i wouldnt dare say anything to mommy..no she cant be in two places at once..and well my brother is more important than me and so she will go to him..because that is the right thing to do...because i wouldnt take that from him..he is the youngest..he will need the most help..aand me..ill manage..because thats what i do..i dont need anyone..

just sigh .....

as the morning has gone on..my mood has gotten lower and lower and im just feeling sad...and slightly sick..and did i mention sad..im feeeling like a major failure right now for having no desire at all to do my work..paperwork...still seeing my clients becuase they make me happy..and they make me smile...