empty

it is really hard sitting here and not being able to figure out what it is im trying to say..my head is just kinda empty..finally figured out this morning im feeling incredibly depressed and sad...i keep thinking i feel crummy and im trying to make it into an excuse to just kinda hate christmas this year..i dont need to use it as an excuse though i can feel crummy and still not like christmas right? i havent looked forward to chrsitmas this year and i dont know why but just havent..henry told me lastnight i wasnt really a c hristmas person at all after him and nia completely kept trying to get me to open presents early and i didnt want too...i dont really care whats under the tree..although i did find out last night that nia and henry both got new computers and im sorry but i was jealous..still am..my big thing was getting new tires...well i didnt get them and i knew i wasnt after mommy started saying i didnt need to take my car when i moved..and after she went on and on about how there are still things she has to get for the new apartment and help with rent and all this stuff..so screw it..i dont care and for all the time ive thought about stuff i want vs stuff i need im still coming up with nothing..i know i got new hiking boots cas i ordered them and had them sent to me..i opened them and tried them on and when mommy came she had me give them to her so she could wrap them..saw no point in that but ok...after that im not really sure what she got me..im going shopping today and i have no idea what i want..drawing a blank on everything right now..and for as much as we want a new video game i know i cant get one..not with having to do all the apratment stuff ..just doesnt seem fair i guess...im selfish for being jealous in the first place because i have a car and a computer..both work well enough and i dont need a new computer at all...just thinking about tomorrow gives me a headache..its going to take forever to get through and we are going to my aunts and then cousins..without mommy here we are the ones who have to go places ..maybe it will make the day go faster i dont know..i keep thinking about after christmas and not going back to my reg therapist..i wont have anyone to talk too anymore..or not talk too..i wont have anyone to half complain too..it will take forever getting used to a new person ..beforethat it will take forever to find a new person..scared about moving now that its like a week away and nothing is really working out like it should..if mommy cant go next week then ill just have to go by myself or with henry..i cant wait on her or i wont have anywhere to live..or what to do with my stuff because it has to be out of my apartment now by umm like jan 4 or something..so waiting her her just wont work not when electric and all that stuff has to be turned on..so much to do..maybe im just starting to feel completely overwhelmed again..there does seem to be endless htings to do..for some reason this morning when i woke up i started worrying i would turn out to be just like mommy and im sorry but if that happened i would have to kill myself.i would rather be dead than the end up like her..well now that ive depressed everyone i guess im done..