sick and tired..i am sick..and im pretty tired

.currently feeling really sick...nauseous and sick and uncomfortable..majorly uncomfortable..since about 2 this afternoon the nausea just isnt going away im pretty sure its one of the new meds..both can cause nausea..but can i get a break please ?!?! i spent over an hour today just laying in my car because it hurt to much to sit up and drive anywhere..i did end up working all day at least..but i just really wasnt into it..so tired and sick and scared of being sick..this is very miserable and i dont want to complain..i really dont..but its hard to be feeling so sick and being all by myself in the middle of a parking lot and laying in my car because it hurts to much to drive..

no im not liking this very much at all.

its like we find out about the diabetes and its like suddenly every single meal is like waiting for a ticking time bomb to go ooff..everything is not ok to eat..afraid that one bad thing will kill me..:( its still way overwhelming and feeling so out of my limit..and add in the daily constant need to barf..and im just tired of all of it already..not giving up..but just sad about it all..upset about it..

one of the docs from the clinic called me today and asked me about joining a program that is offered there to diabetics..and its like ill get to meet with pharmacy ppls..and talk about my meds and get free stuff ( im all for free stuff ) but it would be like part medical/part info gathering type thing..so i said ok..and my first appointment with them is in a week or so..the increase in doc appts is pretty depressing also..
and mommy is positive that im going to die at any second..and i hate telling me that im not feeling good but darn it i dont have the energy to stick with lying..its to much to deal with..

so yeah just feeling miserable and sick and sad...

Fun things for a change :)

well mostly fun things for a change :)

This weekend i did something super different for me..super unexpected you know.. i drove myself to NY on friday. i drove by myself and made the trip even though i was anxious and scared.  I  did something i was very afraid of and met a friend for the first time. and you know what??  i survived. i survived a whole 3 days in the city with a friend and did not die.  i rode the subway and the bus, i walked around the city at night. i saw times square and battery park, saw the lion king on broadway, the statue of liberty and ground zero. did i mention i walked all over the city lol. my legs hurt in places that i didnt know i still had.  but i did it. and i have had a good time.  i really have. its been different, its been scary, and weird ,and even a bit on the odd side. but i did it.

i was texting yvonne a little bit today and she said she was proud of me. she said that it was so cool that i stuck to my dream and did not let anyone change my mind.  i have wanted to see the lion king on broadway since it came out in 97. i have loved the lion king in all forms and fashion for such a long time. i know the movie, i know the music, and anyone who knows me well knows that i have wanted to see the lion king for forever.  i saw the traveling show a few years ago and it was awesome. dont get me wrong. it was a really awesome show. but broadway is well broadway!!! i wanted to see the broadway show. i wanted to experience seeing in in the big theratre in the middle of the city. i wanted to see the posters, the actors and actresses, i wanted to see the real live production. and today i did. i actually completed a goal that i had. a dream that i had.  you know i knew i would get here eventually and i did :)  yvonne was right. i really wasnt going to let anyone talk me out of coming..and i knew that i would make it. i knew it!


the down point to the trip was well the super crowded subway ride today.  seriously i thought the woman standing 'over' me was going to fall in my lap..i was anxious and unsure and so very crowded..i felt like i was trapped and just wasnt able to see a way out of the predicament..and it was super hard for me..i was afraid and tearful and just had a hard time calming my nerves..i prefer the subway when it is less crowded..i dont know how ppl do this on a daily basis. i really dont. other than that i managed the subways. not my favorite mode of transportation at all..but if it is not crowded i think i can manage it. the buses were ok and more easily manageable because of being able to just wait for the next one to come.

a thought

Strong people don't need others…You let somebody in and they’ll only hurt you… Nobody really cares... If they really knew you, they wouldn’t like you. Brick by brick you stacked your beliefs to construct a refuge to hide in. But ironically what you built instead, is the prison you’re now locked in. Find the courage to scale your walls, or the strength to tear them down. Hearts weren’t meant to live in solitary confinement. ~ by Sandra Kring, bestselling author


sometimes i wonder if the whole world just knows something that i dont!!

who knows..maybe this really is my time you know.. yeah who knows

depressed...

there is so very much that i should be doing right now in the terms of work stuff..and instead im just sitting in the office and wishing i could go home..im not feeling very comfortable with myself today..im tired and just feel majorly exposed right now..i dont know what is wrong..but the urge to just go home is massive and overwhelming...im not feeling particularly happy or stable right now and i need to be quiet and alone..like being around ppl right now is just to much to handle and i just dont know how to deal with myself and my head..i actually dont even want attention right now from my supervisor..and i always want attention from her..like always lately..and so i really dont know whats going on..normally im okay at the office and today it just feels off..maybe its just simply that i dont have my work in and its making me feel more depressed..but there is just to much in my head right now..and i am just trying to think about to much stuff all at once..i dont know..im feeling really depressed right now..like majorly depressed and i just want to sit quietly somewhere..

pity party 101

please ignore my pity party....


im tired
i want to go to sleep
im so not done with work stuff...not even close actually
i agreed to having a meeting today with a client and my supervisor and i dont remember what time i agreed too
i really need to track down a couple ppl this morning and i dont feel like it
im feeling sick
im anxious majorly about tomorrow
did i mention im not done with work stuff ??

yes im feeling incredibly on edge and sorry for myself right now...not a good combination



my goal is to call my client and at least make sure he is up
get myself up and dressed and out of the house.
spend a couple hours with clients
then locking myself in the library until its time for the staff meeting later this evening and attempting to get my work stuff done
and then i have to work on preparing for tomorrow
thank heavens i see t tomorrow morning!
and maybe i can weasel a hug out of my supervisor today
and tomorrow is court and i think im gonna be horribly sick
ok gotta get up..
thats step 1 i think..

ramble

im really hungry and theres nothing in the house that i want to eat...go figure...

i suddenly really want chicken strips lol..and i have chicken...so hmm yeah...maybe ill try to throw some together or something...

yeah was feeling a bit queasy earlier but i think my stomach is calming down a bit now..

tried to do some cleaning in the kitchen and got some of the dishes done and had to scrub the dishwasher..and that was a bore..so i just soaked the inside in cleaning stuff and then just ran the dishwasher lol..yes that would be the super lazy way!

today was a bit depressing..just with all the rain and stuff and worrying about bounce and taji and there vet trip..and money..and well the usual stuff..

actually had to tell my friend that i was not ok with some of the stuff she said over the weekend about her kids..and asked her not to do it again..i can handle a lot but darn it i dont like when ppl swear around there kids..and i like it even less when they are swearing ABOUT their kids..i dont care if they arent in the room..but i heard it and i didnt like it ..and so today i finally said something to her about it..and she said she would work on it..so i think i did good.  i do..

but not sleeping good at all and really just want to sleep..but still no meds tonight so ill just get what i can..but i came home a little bit early because i was just out of it and forgetting where i needed to go and stuff..yeah..so tomorrow will be another full day..so hmm yeah. guess thats all.

frustration...

again i feel the need to say that i am no ones keeper .. i am supposed to take care of myself..and thats all...so can someone please explain to me why it is that 2 freaking grown ass adults are currently acting like spiteful children?  why cant they just walk away from each other if the relationship didnt work out...why do i need to be on the recieving end of conversations that i want no part in?  why is it my concern?  i am not the go between. i am not the one who got the two of them talking..and i truly wanted nothing to do with there relationship..so why why why do i still need to be given information about it?  i want to tell both of them to just grow up and move on..they both have there own stuff to deal with and work on and so ok no big deal it didnt work out..whatever...let it freaking go...ugh..i mean i have my own stuff to deal with and thats what im trying to deal with darnit..i have to learn to let other ppls stuff go..and i will...i refuse to be pulled into this mess..its not my problem..they are both adults..so let them live with there choices and their behaviors..but good grief they are acting like children...

im also feeling a little peeved at mommy right now...she calls demanding stuff and telling me ive done something wrong and its not any of her business..im mad that she is all in my business and going through my mail and everything..i know ive asked her to bail me out of a few tight spots money wise but i dont think that gives her the right to constantly ask me about my bills or tell me when something is due ..its not her freaking business..and the next time i move i am just going to transfer all of my stuff to where im at...no more mail going home..i need to break off..i do...maybe i do need to get a po box up here and just get my mail routed here...im just tired of her being so involved in stuff that doesnt concern her..and its upsetting me...and the double standard of what i can and cant do is upsetting me today...she can tell me i cant do something..and that i need to not visit a friend..but she can go and do whatever she wants with no one telling her no..or telling her where she can go..i mean im going on my trip anyway..and ill be damned if she is going to tell me no..im old enough to make my own choices you know...it may come as a surprise but i am..and i guess its time i started doing my own stuff..and i know that next time..i just wont tell her..i will have to learn to stop telling her stuff because of wanting her approval...i havent gotten her approval this far..so maybe if i begin to understand that i wont be getting her approval then it wont hurt so much..then maybe ill stop trying so hard...i have to become my own person..i do...

today

hmm im feeling a little bit down tonight...more so because i really wish i could remember my conversations from today and i cant it was important stuff you know and its like its all just leaked out of my head and i dont remember..i hate when i dont remember..

i saw t today..and well we talked..and i filled her in on some stuff that has been going on..and she told me that i should have called last week when i was feeling so unsafe.and that she would have fit me in..but umm i let her know about the court stuff and the supervisor stuff..and yeah..of course she agreed! but well long story short..we talked and i asked to come every week again..and she agreed to that ..as long as i agreed that i would really start working on stuff..and i agreed...against all of my better judgement i agreed..and i feel better..being able to see her regularly again..and that did calm things down a bit..so we will see how that goes..for now im going to stay with her instead of changing..t said that she would be ok if i felt like starting over with a different t..and that made me sad but i realize that she is right..each t takes me a little bit further you know..so yeah we will see...i did call the other therapist but she was out today..so i just left a message for her..so will see about her at least..and meet her again..but yes for now we are going to stay with current t.

and then saw my supervisor to talk about court stuff..and then other stuff..and of course my lack of eye contact..my supervisor made me look at her..and i thought my eye balls were going to fall out of my head.. i could feel myself wanting to avoid her and having to close my eyes because of feeling so overwhelmed by it...she said i had to count to 10 ..i had to look at her for 10 secs..and she started over everytime i avoided her big time...oooh it was so frustrating because she didnt give up..she had me go for the whole 10 secs and started over like 10 times! and then she 'watched me interact and look at the new office manager' to ask for something i needed..and i almost panicked..just in general from feeling so scared..but she did watch me..and i was really anxious about it..but she said i did good afterwards..and of course she told me that she saw me stop looking at him..i told her she is going to be the death of me.. but crap is that what its going to take ?? me being told repeatedly to look at someone..i mean really there is not many ppl that can help me with this..and call me out on not looking..crap crap crap..but if i have everyone possible calling me on it then maybe ill get better..maybe? who knows.. and then i asked for a hug and she told me that i had to show her that i could give myself a hug..and she again wasnt going to give me a hug until i showed her..and so i did it really fast and she gave me a hug success on that one ..

but yeah did some work today..and now im home and so tired but cant sleep..all out of night meds until friday it seems ..and i want to sleep so very much..ugh..didnt do so good last night sleeping..so yeah..not holding out much hope for tonight..but going to try..if i cant ..maybe ill actually clean the kitchen..but i really do want to sleep..have i said that??

hmm yeah just trying to make it to friday..thats my goal..

oh thursday the minions are going to the vet ...for flea medicine and all of that...bounces fur is all nasty and i rub her and just want to give her a freaking bath..theres is the flea dirt stuff all along her spine and i mess with her fur and i just want to give her a good scrub..but gotta wait for her to get the flea meds and what not..and see what i can do..i just dont want them to be all itchy and what not...so yeah..thursday ill find out more about all of that...

ok yeah going to try for sleep
laters

oh how i wish this was true...

some day it will be .

some day.

???

when  does life stop hurting so much ??  when do things get better??  when does this all become worth it? 

im so tired you know..of fighting..of living..of existing..

i have a lot of work ahead of me..i really do..

suicidal .. thats all there is to it i guess...i am suicidal.. and i hate that :( well i dont think i care..but well yeah..sleep may be the best idea i have for tonight..

not doing so great....

it feels like i am falling apart..and its happening slowly enough that its almost like im just stuck watching it happen .. the hug issue has come up again and the no touching rule really has come back to bite me..i keep everyone at arms length and then i have times like now when i just want to be comforted or touched or hugged and there is no one there..and i know i can be very demanding on ppl i attach to and get really upset and hurt when they cant meet my needs either :< i have so many needs and no way to manage them all. i know i wasnt touched and comforted enough as a baby or a child..my views on being touched is so very messed up...and i just ,end up confused and unsure of what to do. im trying to tell my supervisor why it is that i need hugs from her and only her and she is telling me why i need to comfort myself..and i tell her i cant do it. how can i
comfort myself when i dont like myself..and i wonder why the kids dont want me to comfort them. i cant do it . im useless 

^^ i wrote that earlier today..during a rather low moment...

im feeling down now..and feeling rather upset and worthless..but im not wanting to cut..just feeling sad you know..

my supervisor is so darn good at setting boundaries and im trying to respect them..ok no im not..im mad at her for setting them..for not giving me what i want..i want her to be able to talk to me all the time..and i want her to give me lots of hugs..and if i was being completely honest ..i would say that i want her to adopt me..to take me home and let me stay with her and have her undivided attention all the time..and well i know that wont happen..but my thinking is rather illogical..and i have the whole thing playing out in my head..hugs and safety and support..crap im a kid in all of this..like literally small enough to pick up and cuddle and the need for it to be that way is so  very very strong..and i dont know how to get myself to understand and see that the 'dream' is not even possible..that i am supposed to be an adult ..and me trying to cuddle is not really all that umm appropriate..not the way they want it..i have to fight the urge to try to press against her neck when she does hug me..you know how you hug a kid and they sorta just fold into you and tuck themselves into your neck?  thats what 'i' want..and there are so very many reasons why that cant happen..and i realize that yes its prolly very very good that my supervisor is able to stick with her boundaries..because its like mine have disappeared in all of like 3 or 4 days..the sudden need to  be around her 24/7 lets me know that i have let go of everything and just want her to be there all the time..and i dont know how to get those boundaries back..she told me today when i was trying to explain why it is that i needed her hugs and only her hugs..she told me that i had to work on comforting myself and all of that..and that she wasnt going to let me text her anymore for the day..and me being me..well i called instead of texted and she sooo didnt answer the phone *insert grumbling face here* cas of course she knows when i am calling due..my name comes up on the phones at the office..but yeah she effectively cut me off ..and so i tried to rein in my umm needs to be in contact with her..and only messaged her like a couple other times..and my last text she hasnt answered at all..and yes i have been trying to plot a way to go to the office and see her tomorrow..and yes it is that bad..like literally THAT bad right now.. im amusing this is no where near being done with..and im sure my supervisor will talk to me about my behavior..and all of that..and im trying to maintain but its hard..because my wants and needs are all mixed up and i need comfort..i want a hug..both seem to be the same thing to me..it does..and i dont think that it will help me any at all you know..oh i dont know..

i think ive calmed down enough to get through until i see t next week..i hope..i do see the pdoc tomorrow and i hope she can help me..i did manage to do the vcc thing and they are missing one more piece of information from me..and then i have to wait a couple weeks to hear back about a decision...so im hoping it will be good news...i really need the pdoc to help me..my head is royally messed up right now..and the depression is killing me..i mean so much stuff is suddenly going on and my anxiety is just all over the place...i am going to ask about the therapist there..cas it will be cheaper..and i do need to see someone on a regular basis..i cant do this without support..i mean i used to joke that i needed therapy just to deal with being in therapist and all that it brought up..i think that is sorta true..i need to see someone on a freaking weekly basis..and i dont know...is it wrong to want to be in therapy and just completely start over...let someone work with me who does not get a preconceived notion about me? i dont know..i feel guilty..but i think that more and more thats what i want to do..have two therapist.and that way i can keep my t i know and see her every other week while at the same time working on harder stuff...and still having the support of the t im used to..does that make me a bad person? is it wrong ? i mean obviously im not going to be going and talking to them about each other..and im really not sure how to get anymore extra support...i know i need more support..and i dont know how to get it..and it scares me..needing so much..wanting so much support and wanting to just talk and work on stuff and being afraid..i am afraid..im afraid to go and talk to my t next week and tell her all that is going on..and thats another thing..like an hour is just so not enough..crap if i could see a t twice a week that would be awesome..but im only saying that for like 2 hours a week..not like 20 hours of therapy a week..i cant do that...crap that would be like a full time freaking job..but at the same time i want to feel better..i want to feel more contained..and not so frazzled and easily upset or easily happy and goofy..
i mean today i got flowers while with a client and seriously it made me incredibly happy...instant happiness you know..and then later i was with someone else and feeling sorta quiet and down and we went to the grocery store and i like flipped out about a sandwich cutter that took the crust off the bread lol..i mean you would have thought i was about 6 ( no pun intended here) but again it was like instant i want i want i want and you cant tell me no typpe thinking..had to walk away from that..but did get the donald duck orange juice ..because well donald duck was on it..and i was drawn to it...yes that is pretty much how my head works..yeah...and im how old ??

still really anxious about the whole court thing for work..i know in the end i will do it and do my best..but the waiting and the time leading up to it is really causing a lot of panic and anxiety..and panic..did i say panic ?? ugh.

you know ive had a new hair style for almost a full week and it still amkes me nervous..you know change is supposed to be good..but goodness..its just my hair but its different..its new..it makes me feel different in some ways.but then i get nervous when ppl do notice it and look at me and stuff..my bosses at work gave me so many compliments that i thought i was going to die on the spot..i couldnt look at her i was so embarrassed !  she of course mentioned my lack of eye contact and told me that she would stop lol..darn it ..my eye contact is getting me called out so very much right now at work! im still getting used to it though and its not like i can just go back and change it right now ..so yeah..just trying to deal with it..and everything..

something that has bothered me a bit this week is mommys ability to make me feel like shit so easily..all she does is just tlak to me and im defensive and lying about something and just i dont know..i try so hard to do stuff that will make her like me but still im just not good enough..ill never be good enough :( i keep trying and trying and still its no better..how is it that others like my hair change and mommy just keeps asking me why i did it..i would do anything to my hair and just down plays everything..which makes me doubt myself..which makes me afraid and sad..and just so unsure of myself..i wish i could be enough..i wish she would like me..i think aobut my family and realize that there is no one in my immediate family that i am comfortable getting a hug from..it just doesnt happen...never never from mommy..unless i have to..but there is no love in it..its just something that has to be done at times..but like with my brothers and sisters..no.with an aunt maybe if its been a while you know..but like with immediate family its like no touching..no hugs..no comfort..and i really question my overwhelming need for comfort???? i never got it..you know i never learned it was okay to becomforted and to be loved and hugged and all of that in a good way..i did to stay out of the way if i didnt want to be hit though..i knew how to disappear..but i dont know how to ask for a hug :( its all backwards..its all messed up..and just makes me feel so sad...so inadequate..so very alone..all of this makes me feel so alonee...like im just forced to try to deal with all of this on my own..and i cant..and it feels like im just going to fail..to give up..or make excuse after excuse..

i did look up thearpist who specialist in hypnosis..and ive found a couple places...one that i may actually call..but it scares me..how can i walk in to see someone who i have never met and trust them to hyponotize me? how do i feel safe with that ? how can i let someone take me so far out of my comfort zone??? i dont know..it does scare me badly..but i am slightly interiqed at the same time..i want to know what it is that ive forgotten..i want to learn the truth..if i can deal with it is still up for debate..but im tired of not knowing...im tired of not being able to get past the fear..and so im willing to try it and see..im also willing to try the feiki energy type stuff..that does interest me..i find it makes sense to me..and so that i can consider..i want to try the different massages and all of that in the wellness place.you know massages, reiki, etc and so on..just to see..i mean it cant hurt anything ..can it ?

im trying hard to get more hours at work..to kinda help with all of the holiday traveling and stuff..and christmas and everything..gotta get more hours in..really do...so work is going ok i guess..paperwork is still a hassle but am trying to get better with that..i can no longer use monday for notes..not with so many clients now

hmm well i think ive cleared my head for the night...i think ill try to sleep now..

taji cuteness :)

i cant do this

im not feeling completely safe with myself tonight. im really not. i want to cut..i want to hurt..i want something to focus on that will stop my mind from going in circles..im scared..im anxious..im nervous..i want to be comforted.i want to be hugged and talked to..i to feel like i matter to someone..to anyone..i want to not feel invisible and alone..i want to be important..i want to demand to be seen and heard.. i wish i was important..and worth something..i wish i could manage myself without needing someone outside of me for comfort..but thats what all of this stuff is bringing up..i want to be reassured and i want to be comforted ..and the need to cry makes me feel vulnerable..exposed..i dont want to bring up the past..but little bits and pieces are creeping out...thoughts and wanting something better..i dont know what to dow ith myself..im afraid to depend on someone else for my support..im afraid that she cant give me what i need and then i feel horrible for being so needy ..for needing so much ..i feel like i need constant support and reassurance and i cant do that with myself..i dont know how to do it for myself..and right now im having trouble with focusing and getting my head in order..im feeling overwhelmed and unsure of things ..i want to go to sleep but i know if i get up right now ill go for my razors before i go for my medicine..and what then..i have tried some things to calm down..ive written..i asked a friend for ideas of things to do..im listening to music but nothing is helping..im still afraid...im still wanting a break from myself..

todays session ... with my supervisor

im trying to believe that my supervisor has the boundaries to keep me together..to keep me in place..to keep me from going overboard with all of this...

i had another long convo with my supervisor this evening..she told me i had ten minutes..and an hour later we are preparing to leave the office..i knew my supervisor would get going and then i would be able to stay with her..we are really wanting to stay with her. to be around her. to listen to her. and she gave us a big big hug before we left..she does the mini back rubs to with us all the time..its just a bit more noticeable now..i dont mind her touch. i can handle her touch..

but we talked more about stuff today..and no she cant be my t cas i asked ... we had watched this video thing during the staff meeting and yes i watched it and felt it was like just screaming about what i had talked to my supervisor about the other day..later on when it was just me and the supervisor she showed it to my again..and talked about the whole thing and how it related to me..and how it was for me..and how it could be me..the living..the achieving my dreams..all of this stuff..and she talked about again it not being my fault and that i was lead to believe all this stuff thats not true..and that i am unique and special..and that i can do anything i set my mind to..and that being made to believe stuff thats not true doesnt have to happen anymore..and that i had to make a decision about what i wanted to do..and she told me that she hoped i would make that decision sooner rather than later.. i told her i was scared..

i asked her about my future...she told me that she could see things getting better for me...i asked her about children..and she said she saw me more in the adoption end of things..moreso than having my own...i wanted to ask her if she knew how i died but of course she picked that moment to tell me that only god knows the future (something like that) ..and i asked her about my past..and she keeps bringing up an incident that i dont remember...which led to a whole conversation about blocking and dissociation..she told me that i would be a good canidate for hypnosis..and possibly energy work...ive never really considered hypnosis..but i have considered energy work..but again thats stuff that cant be done alone and has to be done with a specialized person and all of that..but again she told me that you know there were prolly good reasons for why i have things blocked out..and that she wasnt going to start telling me stuff and could possibly trigger a reaction..and she told me that she knew she was triggering some things from us talking and what not..but that she didnt want to open a can of worms that i wasnt ready to deal with..

it is so odd ...feeling like someone has just opened up my head and is walking around inside and just pulling out all of this information..i feel so exposed and vulnerable with her..but its a much more manageable level this time around...maybe i just want things to get better..maybe i just want to believe her..and i want to know that things can be better and i dont have to be stuck anymore..that i have to start working on it now because i have a story to tell..and my story will help other people...how can i have a story that im not completely sure about and most certainly dont remember??

i talked a little bit about how to deal with the overwhelmingness of bringing all this stuff up..we talked about my niece and the possible adoption of a baby..big possible but a possible all the same..

well again it was a lot of her talking and me just sorta listening and trying to keep up and trying to believe her words and hear what she was saying..

she told me that she was proud of me for calling the counseling place..and i did call and the lady who was recommended isnt taking new clients right now..my supervisor said that she would get more info for me though about other ppl she knows..and can recommend..

i mentioned the conference down in fla in jan and mentioned that i wanted to go..and told her what it was about..her response?? she told me that dissociation was a defense mechanism also..and i told her i knew that and that sometimes its seen a been crazy when ppl mention hearing stuff...and i had to let that conversation drop..

and she gave me a hug before i left..and i did want to cry lots today with her. but i didnt. when she refers to the younger me that she sees..she told me that i was crying..that i was so very sad...so very hurt..and i hear her and its like gosh that must have really been forever ago because i havent cried for myself in forever..im not even sure i can anymore..i cant feel enough for the hurting parts to be able to cry or grieve or acknowledge..i cant do that..i cant break down the walls and allow all of that hurt and pain and fear to get out..i would go insane..and thats prolly what my supervisor is trying to tell me..that i have to let it out..that i have to deal with the emotions..i have to feel them..i have to understand them, process them..and let them go..but the fear holds me back. it holds me prisoner..when she was hugging me she told me that i was beginning to chip away at stuff..but that there was still a long road ahead of me..where as all i wanted to do was melt into her and ask her to never let me go .. instead all i said was ok and i don't know just hugged her..small measure of comfort in the chaos that is my head ..

and for all of this it feels like i have more questions than answers..and i know that there is only so far my supervisor will go with me..but i figure i may as well push a bit and see what happens..but she will not be my t and i have to get used to that..i know she will talk to me though..and i know she will support me..and maybe that is what i need from her.. but that doesnt stop me from wanting so much more from her..and im pretty sure she prolly knows that too darn it..her and knowing stuff is so creepy..and well i sorta told her that ..

i asked her if it was so obvious that i was unhappy and she told me no..that she could pick up on it..but that not everyone would..

i want it though..the life she sees for me..she told me that i am still a victim..that i have become comfortable being a victim..that i know and understand what it means to be a victim..and that now my task is to learn how to live..how to thrive and not just survive..it would be nice to actually want to be apart of my life..be able to see more than just getting through the day..it would be nice to actually want to be alive..

for colored girls...

i watched this movie this morning..for the second time...and i feel compelled to write..compelled to think to act..to just do something..i dont know what..

for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuff..is the actual title of the book the movie is based on and i have yet to read that book.  sometimes stops me from buying it..from reading it.  im afraid ill relate to much..that ill read the different stories and see myself looking back at me..im afraid to face the truth..of knowing what is wrong with me and working to change it.  i dont know why i watched the movie this morning..i really dont..because it did get a reaction out of me.. they werent as bad and overwhelming as the first time i watched the movie..but they were reactions all the same..hurt..horror..sadness..unspeakable sadness for all the times i have been hurt..of all the times i have seen someone hurt..for all the times i have felt so helpless and unable to do anything to make a situation better..it is hard watching that..it is hard knowing that the truth is there and it cant be hidden from..oh you can try..you can try with all your might to hide from the truth..but it will find you..and when you least expect it..it will claim you..

sometimes it is really hard being so supportive to others...im expected to be supportive and caring and nice ..but no one is there to support me..my supervisor told me that i do have ppl to support but i am not seeing it..sometimes i wonder why it is that i am so alone in trying to deal with my self and my own stuff..who wants to listen to me..

hurts like a (&(*W

so got my hair braided yesterday ..sort of... and it hurts like omg lol...last night was the most useless attempt at sleep that i can ever remember..i tossed and turned and moaned and groaned all night! i want to sleep but i cant get comfortable because the braids are so very tight and painful...crap..tonight i will take my sleep meds and be knocked out darn it..

and in all of my tossing and turning last night...i completely knocked my computer off of the bed...yeah..it was one of those nights..

yesterday

ive been trying to write since yesterday..and still this is open and nothing has been written...my mind is all over the place..but its not completely a bad thing this time around..im just thinking about a lot of stuff and trying to figure things out..and wondering what is going to happen with some things...hmm yeah just a lot on my mind..

you know something ..i really wonder sometimes what people expect of me..ok more than sometimes...but with whole issue with my niece and her pregnancy is a bit of a hassle...people are getting their stories crossed and suddenly there is way to many ppl in the middle of an issue that they really cant do anything about...i told my niece myself that she needed to think and figure out what she wanted to do..i told her that if i came to me adopting the baby..then there would be no take backs..because in her mind it is a 'oh i can just drop the baby off and then come back later and get her again..and it will not be like that..so i had to talk to her because i am not ok with her going around and like telling ppl something that is not true..so yeah ... still figuring out that whole issue..and not super focused on that right now either..

yesterday..yesterday was actually a pretty fun day..all things considered..i really cant remember the last time we laughed so much...given for part of the day we were just a little tipsy..but lost that buzz pretty quickly ..but went shopping and out to lunch and then to the hair store which was a huge experience ..talk about being out of my element but it was incredibly fun playing with the wigs...tried on the super bright purple one and wanted to try on the yellow one but the friend i was with said no way lol...so otried on other ones and actually decided on a new hair style which we are getting done today. so it is going to be different and its got purple highlights !! its so cool..we will have to take pictures after it is done lol..wont tell what it is actually but yes it will be interesting and well because its me its so not over the top but it is a little bit different..still a short style and everything though.. i called mommy yesterday and told her that i dyed my hair purple and she got so pissed at me..like she was really mad..and hung upp on me. and i had to call her back and tell her that i didnt really dye it purple..but i told her she didnt have to look at my hair if she didnt want to..and i am changing my hair because i want to..not for her..

you know i actually told my friend yesterday that i didnt need anyone telling me what to do..i dont like people telling me what i cant do or what i shouldnt do..it bothers me .. and with anyone but mommy i can say that its stupid and not their business..with mommy its a little trickier and i end up not so sure..but right now ..i dont want her telling me what i can and cant do either..i dont like that..i dont want that..i am an adult arent i ? ugh..

but anyway..mood is okay today..trying to get up and get moving but its going slow lol..im currently trying to get myself to take a shower so that i can go ahead and wash my hair. and all of that...

hmm wondering if there is anything else lol..

maybe not