losing interest in the tv..starting to think about everything..not to freaking out status but everytime my thoughts start to get away from me i work hard to redirect my attention..its getting harder as i get sleepy..i start reading the message boards ive been writing on all day and seeing the nice messages and its embarassing in a way..they say congrats and that i should be proud and its like gosh you didnt have to say that at all..and it is nice to hear..just to hear it...jumping issues because im thinking about something else now..

ive been thinking and randomly talking about why i can never figure out why it is that i dont like weekends..i like weeks because theres always set schedule during the week..i know what i have to do and what times i have to do stuff..i know when i have plans for something...i write it down..but on the weekends there isnt any of that ..im just there without anything to do ..and even if i am doing something on the weekend..it doesnt last..and it doesnt take much to fall back on bad ways i guess..but going back a little farther..ive never liekd weekends..weekends meant not being able to get away..not being able to get out and if iwas at home i always felt trapped..obligated to do stuff i didnt want to do and obviously didnt know how to do if i was forever in trouble for something..but its just weird i guess..weekends are supposed to be fun or a break or whatever and its not for me..some weekends i do go out and have fun and can forget everything for a while but more often than not its just not a good time at all..mostly when i was younger on the weekend i hoped and wished or prayed that mommy would have to leave to go out so she wouldnt be home anymore and i wouldnt feel like i was so bad or so watched or just stupid..cryed and screamed to disappear just to get a break from all of it..not that it happened since i never got an escape..always had to go home again..never wanted to go home..wanted someone to take me away..take me somewhere else..take me someplace safe..stupid childish wishes most likely..but just i know i dont do weekends well and its hard figuring out why and what to do with myself when im not really sure what it is im trying so hard to avoid..not that its completely clear now ... i dont know..