tomorrow really is the start of a new year..and now im stuck wondering what it will be like..will it be like this year? will it be better or worse? will things change or stay the same? will i like the move..will i make it through the actual move and getting things done? will i make a new years resolution? better than that will i actually stay up till midnight and watch the dorky little ball drop on tv..im not going out most likely and if i stay home ill just go to bed whenever i fall asleep..but will i mkae a resolution? will it be the same ones i already make and never keep? will i wish for perfection or death? kinda the same thing i guess..maybe ill just wish to be happy? but that just seems completely childish..so i should wish for something grownup... *thinking..thikning..thinking** i dont know..the ssame old question of what tdo you want keeps drifing into my head..i dont know what i want..i want to be happy..and thats about all funny i ppick being happy before i think about wishing to like myself..
yesterday was stressful at times because time alone with mommy quickly turns into tell me all your secrets. stayed as nuetral as possible and tried hard not to get bothered with all the questions. i decided that ppl who talk on cell phones and drive need to get tickets . its scary being in the car with her and having tons of traffic all over the place and she is constantly on the phone talking to someone and crossing into other lanes. dont like riding in the car when she is driving because well she cant drive well . anyhoo took about 5 and a half hours to get there and about 6 and a half coming back. did look at a bunch of different places and actually managed to find one i really liked. It nice, and the area is really quiet and i can keep dusti, so that was a really good thing. It is being held and everything and i said i would be moving in on the 13th. will have to figure out how that is going to work out with working and everything. im glad i found a place and the deposit was a lot less than i was expecting so that was good too. Theres a grocery store across the street and that did lessen some of the anixety about getting lost once im actually living there. did get lost a couple times yesterday with mommy and that was hard because i was starting to get antsy and she wasnt and didnt know where we were going or how to get back to where we needed to be. but made it home again and just kinda crashed until a little while ago. did take someothing to help sleep though. got to listen to all the stuff i have to do tomorrow when i leave to go and start the new job. like call every two hours and stop and dont drive at night and dont drive in the fast lane and all this stuff i didnt want to hear or already knew. but its over with now its one less thing to worry about.
the new job starts in oh two days now..was thinking about it last night and was starting to get scared and worried and nervous. we are leaving tomorrow and i tihnk we will just drive and see how far we get and stay in a hotel over night and then head to the a ctual place on tuesday. that way it wont be incredibly rushed and traffic should be light since it is new years day. have to pack and run to the store to get last minute stuff today..hopefully walmart is open! and then have to take down aqnother stupid christmas tree after i said yesterday i didnt want to do it. yea i feel really listened too ..but then leaving tomorrow and nothing can change that. was told yesterday i have to call home everyday..well too freakin bad for you my phone doesnt work when im up there and i wont be calling everyday..and i know it will just make a lot of arguments but im going to work not visit someplace..what do i need to call home for? i dont want to talk to her anyway ..and of course moving isnt going to help much because i was told yesterday that since henry goes to school an hour or so from where ill be then they will be sure to visit..i could just scream its so annoying and hard..i want to start over and i cant because i cant even manage to get away and stay away..ugh..i guess it could be as simple as just not being home or making sure im working when they want to come visit but that wont work all the time..i dont want to have to come home for holidays or visit when im not working..i dont want to be here anymore and being here just makes me feel so so so bad and unhappy..so i dont know how things will turn out..but one step in the right direciton i guess is actually having the job and having a place to live ..moving stuff will come later when i figure out when ill be off and can go back and get stuff..but i guess i better get going before im in trouble for not doing what im supposed to do.
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