its over..really

graduation was today..the small one and it really didnt take long at all but it was still really scary..having all of the people in the stands and we are sitting in the middle of the gym..but it was the most nerve wrecking waiting for things to get started and as soon as we started walking into the gym i started wanting to cry..sitting and watching all of the other ppl walk across the stage made me want to cry too..listening to the speeches and talking about where we were going..ok so all of it made me want to cry but i never really did..the hoods that you get for completing your masters got my attention ..some of them were really pretty that the teachers had..the purple and gold onesthat the masters ppl got were ok but i want a blue and teal one so i guess im hunting for the school that has those colrs so i can get one!..it really took me the whole graduation and then some to figure out what exactly the hooding thing was and longer than that to figure out bsws dont count in the hooding stuff..and its not even a hood! there like big scarves..but anyway it was cool..mommy and henry came..nia should be coming tomorrow...at home not really doing anything..still afraid to start really packing..i keep thinking ok this will be the day i really start and then i just get scared again and dont do anything..it has to be done and i have to get around to dealing with the moving part..still kinda shying away from that part of things..no real idea what im wearing to the graduation tomorrow..talked to jon about the job today..and it was surprising that he called today of all days! but it was fine..i found out im going to the fla keys! holy cow that will be so cool..and holy cow we are going in the short bus ! ok it took a while getting used to the short bus being the main mode of camp transportation lol..but it was fun too in a way...the big bus was fun too..talked about working there over the summer and what group i wanted..still sticking with my base camp kids...even though they were suicidal terrors at times i would still work with them..the job part isnt really making me scared anymore because of something i wrote the other day that just kinda made me realize how stupid i was being about stuff...how sane does it make me to think that im scared of leaving one supportive place for the one place i felt safest at and got support..yep just knowing i was freaking out and even thinking that makes me wonder what my head gets wrapped around at times..the stuff that doesnt make any sense sticks with me the most i guess because i dont want to think about the stuff that does make sense..so everything is becoming final and that is scaring me...everyone says stay in touch but will be really? i dont know...its hard thinking that far ahead...will things work out the way we want them too..will any of us be with the same jobs or living in the same places five years from now...hard even trying to think about any of that when i know i am moving..funny i just remembered ive been talking about moving out of north carolina for forever..didnt think that move would be just one state over and still work in nc! not to mention im trading one greenville for another one..one thing i did happen to find out is that there is a community health mental center there..completely confusing looking at the website though..so i dont know..will figure it out im sure..eventually ..cant believe its actually left up to me but then its always been let up to me i juts take my time doing junk..or else i just wait until its not as scary anymore...or hmm no i just wait and freak and wait until someone else picks up on that im not doing anything..too bad that wont be happening anymore..writing this is making me sad again..thinking of everyone i wont see anymore...maybe constantly worrying about what i wont have anymore overshadows what ill be getting...i dont know..i worry too much about the small stuff...well i worry too much in general..hence why valium should be my new best friend and that it kinda sucks i cant get it..realisticly knowing i dont need it because i would takke it too much and too often..so yea nice to think about but not gonna happen ..so i need to get around to not thinkingabout it! ill think about other stuff..like the fact that ill be heloing shape a program for talisman or that im going back to the mountains and getting a place to myself..there is good stuff to think about but im just not seeing it completely..