did what i was supposed to this morning..got up and got dressed and went to the hospital to just hang out..planned on staying a couple hours and leaving..ended up staying for like 5 hours and having lunch with them..ended up finding a bunch of boxes too..more like i just asked the guy i saw walking down the hall if i could have his empty boxes and he gave them to me and then told me where to go for more...my car is full of boxes now..and now that i have them i dont want them anymore..i dont want to have to start packing or doing anything..i havent even taken them out of my car yet and its so stupid after all of the trouble i went through to get them..all the time spent figuring out how to get all of them into my car..and now i wont even take them out..i have every intention of letting them stay in there for forever..but i know logically and rationally ill have them out of the car by tuesday..got in the apartment without them and then realized i didnt want to take them out of the car anymore...starting to get nervous and scared again..the urge to just run and hide bother me because i want it so much and cant do it..if i just left i dont know where i would go..or what i would do..i would be in so much trouble..maybe ill take the valium i have and zone out for the rest of the day..its way to late to take a nap now..not being home by myself did help some..but now i am home by myself and theres nothing to get my attention with right this minute..because i was up so early i know ill end up falling asleep way early..but all of it is just so dejecting..i dont know what to do with myself and for now i think my whole outlook on moving has dropped into negative numbers..i did try to be productive and now im just feeling childish for not finishing anything..id throw a tantrum if i thought it would accomplish anything..i want to cry or scream or hit something..and so im trying hard not to move right now..wouldnt be a good idea at all and lucky me for knowing it..ugh im starting to hate that i cant keep an even mood to save my life...
was thinking as i left the hospital today why it is that i put so much time into worrying about what other people think of me..and the answer is simple enough i guess..its because i dont know what my worth is and so i just kinda have to gauge what other ppl tell me or think of me...if its something bad i accept it way more easily than if it was something good...if its something good then i swear they are just lying to me and im still bad..i really dont see how it works at all..and i know its a really dumb thing to do in the first place because i would be the person to say stop trying to do things to get someone elses approval when i do it all the time..im a hypocrite in the worse way
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