all over

this semester really does end next week...ive been waiting for it for so long and now its here and im not really ready for it. i did my group presentation yesterday and it turned out really well in fact and everyone had fun at our activity. i just have to turn in the journal part today and i will be done with almost everything except tests and finals strting next week. im really tired today and i dont know why..i didnt go to bed as early as i could have but i slept ok i guess...i should really go back and have my iron checked again because im not sure its doing to good...or else i could actually care enough to start taking the vitamins again...but its majorly hot here and that annoys me and i still want it to snow and it doesnt look like that will be happening at all...i am so moving somewhere that gets snow once i graduate. dusti is sleeping in my bed again and climbing all over the furniture downstairs and pushing things off...im gonna work on getting her a really big or at least semi big scratching thingy after christmas so she will have something to play on...shes not big on toys seeing as to how she prefers playing with my notebooks and bags...i want to go to the movies again to see rent...it was a really good movie! and now i cant wait for it to come out on dvd...there are still a few movies im waiting to buy but ill get those over christmas i hope...i have to go send in the money today for yvonnes present and im hoping i will get it there in time to get it before she goes home...im hoping so if not..i dont know....and if not ill figure something else out...somehow i ended up agreeing to go to three parties friday...i still have no idea how ill be going to all of them and i think i might be skipping one but still sending what im supposed to be bringing with someone else..i hate being so busy!

temper temper

i was mad...really mad like 10 mins ago...now im not really mad anymore and of course in the span of about 20 minutes i cut and messed my wrist up again after watching it take almost a month to look normal again...theres just no point to any of it anymore really...what is the point in yelling at me like i could someohw change pictures that have already been seem...like i would really waste my time messing up pictures im not paying for...but i still get yelled and called stupid for not knowing how to work my on stupid camera and for somehow just messing up the pictures on purpose...alright fine..im just a stupid horrible person and i deserve to die and all that fun stuff...why is it that one person can completely make me feel worthless and horrible in less than 10 mins...and im even dumber for making myself believe it

not good enough

ever get the feeling you arent good enough...with all the nice comments there are more bad ones to follow and that what ever you manage to do correctly still isnt enough to get rid of all the things you havent managed to do...nothing really matters i guess...at least not anything i do or want to do

everything

i just got finished cleaning my room so now its all put together and clean and orderly..i even made my bed and its kinda sad i dont remember the last time i actually made my bed completely at one time...bad me i know..but i ummm done packing and now i just have to clean up the kitchen because its like against every rule i know to not leave the house clean for the holidays when you go out of town or anywhere...and im really glad yvonne cleaned up most of the downstairs before i got here and that helped some..but i know she mostly did it because her bf was coming to pick her up....but still it got done and i shouldnt complain...mommy wont be here for another couple hours and that gives me time to shower and get redressed again...and of course get all of dustis stuff together to go...still kinda sad and im not sure why...maybe becaues i dont really want to go home...not looking forward to cooking either anymore...i think i did ok on the policy test though..glad there wont be classes for a few days but i still have work to catch up on and a paper to write...the group that presented today did really good! and it was very informative on gangs...now i dont know i think ill finish getting stuff together to go home...lucky me

surprised

i ofund out yesterday that im going home this weekend...not thrilled about it but its not like i cant use the money yet again with the holidays and trips and things coming up...i have to take my homework home with me because i have to study for my test on tuesday...and then go home again for thanksgiving...i have to cook for thanksgiving and mommy might be going out of town again...last year was easier cooking through because i was actually eating meat then but now im not and i have no idea whati ll end up fixing for myself...but oh well ill figure it out..i think i did ok on my practice test but ill find that out next week and i hope i did good..still im pretty sure i should study more or at least on a reg basis...my classes next semester will be stressful because i once again got stuck with all tuesday/thursday classes and one i really dont want to take but i cant screw up and fail this bio either...so its not like ill skip class or anyhting its just that by the time i have to go to that class ill be tired and what not...ill have to figure out a way to eat or something through the day...eating is eating and i eat for the most part but then ive been b/p lately and getting completely obessed with weighing myself just to look at the numbers...and that could really start to become a problem well a bigger problem than it already is...i have to go see my advisor today and that should be fine but i dont plan on telling him yet that i have an appt to see my doc in a couple weeks...im just trying hard not to cancel it again..

undecided

why is it that when everything in me is screaming for me to lie i have to be the good one and just tell the truth...give or take the dates

done for now

i have such a headache right now..i think my eyes are going cross literally i made it through the meeting and have a whole group of teachers tell me again and again how concerned they are and all the questions and i really should have figured that i wouldnt get out of the meeting without talking at all...they made a point to include me even if i barely looked at any of them...you would have thought i was walking to my death thats how stressed i was about all of this...and i have to meet with my advisor again on thursday to get a copy of the contract and all of that good stuff and i will be completely glad to never be in the same room with any of them again but that wont be happening either...and im still having so much trouble processing all of this and i really hate that i had to agree to a semi safety plan and know that its there in writing its like im entitled and expected to follow it and i dont like letting it be known that im suicidal and now i have to bring it to my 'teachers' attention which sucks...i barely even let my doc know and they weaseled it out of me and i knew it was coming but still wasnt expecting it and i said no at first and then got the whole long talk about why it was important for them to know what i would do if i had an emergency...and one of them just had to ask if i had been suicidal before and when...getting sucked into the floor wouldnt have made me feel any better about anything that happened today...i just want to go to bed

rant

i just need to write before my head explodes or i start crying in the computer...i mean im not doing anything but playing games online and im still tearing up about nothing...ok so i know what im tearing up about but i havent cried about it yet and i really dont plan on starting now i left this morning with yvonne because i just didnt trust myself to stay home and leave on time...at least if im wasting time on campus ill actually go to the meeting i guess...i should have eaten this morning and im feeling sick but majorly hungry at the same time...ive learned that is the downside to purging...if i purge and do it 'good' im so hungry later on and it makes purging a waste if i start eating again later on..last night i had to go to bed just so i wouldnt go looking for something to eat...if i hadnt purged i prolly wouldnt be feeling like im starving right now but i am and i dont have money or anything on me to get anything to eat with anyway so it will have to wait until after the meeting and thats just if i decide to go home or not and i dont know how long the meeting will be or anything and its not like i can really plan anything right now... i just noticed my fingers are going numb sitting in here for so long and i still have like 2 hours to hang out before its time for me to go and looking at the clock makes me feel like im gonna be sick...ok everything makes me feel like im gonna be sick right now...i really hate not knowing what im going to be asked...i would just much prefer to go back to bed and pretend none of this is happening and that this is just another monday to waste doing nothing...i havent even begun to study for the test i have tomorrow and i just printed out the info for the paper i have due on wed. i dont know what im waiting for but i cant concentrate on anything until i know for sure what is going to happen and what i will ahve to do....i spent most of the weekend thinking about how all of this got started and how it would have just been better if i had lied about all of it and i know that even if i had done that someone would have caught me in the dept eventually and that just makes me feel more horrible

ok guess ive complained enough

not a good day

i dont know what to do anymore...right now i just want to cry or throw something...things are being taken out of my control and then given back with guidelines and i dont want it anymore..well not this way...i have such a headache right now..i just want to go to sleep and forget today happened but im not tired even a little bit...i skipped my class tonight because my head cant handle anything else and i still have to finish the work im supposed to be turning in...im bordering on not caring but i know i need to finish the work...i just want to hide in bed until monday comes and goes and i dont have to think about any of this anymore...i never ment for any of this to happen and the more my teachers try to help the more i want them to go away..i dont want there concern or support anymore...i want to be left alone and thats not gonna happen either...everything sucks right now

ok weekend i guess

things are ok i guess..or as ok as they can be lol..i went home and that was ok considering i was actually home for like 15 mins and the rest of the time i was over at rileys and harris's house...but it was ok..i got to work and make some money that i really needed and bills are taken care of at least and i have the basic food again lol..spaghetti o's should be a main food group...after completely pigging out on halloween candy with riley and harris i dont want to look at candy again..but i have some extra just for the random chocolate fix i guess..and i went to the store and got a few more groceries and things and surprise surprise i actually have no junk food...weird i go home and live on junk food for like two days and then its back to the usual junk and it all works out ok i guess...hmm dusti was fine too since she spent the weekend by herself for the most part but im glad to be back all the same...not really looking forward to this week because i have a lot of stuff due that i havent really finished yet but for tonight im just taking a break and watching a movie or soemthing before i actually spend tomorrow stressing out..got new clothes and things but nothing to thrilling i guess...went to the movies to see chicken little and i liked it...i cant wait for the new harry potter to come out! still working on a way to make sure i can go see it lol..but ill figure it out next weekend once its closer to coming out :)

this year still sucks royally

*sigh*

i just dont know how things got so bad and off center so easily..all the weird stuff with my rommate and her boyfriend just threw me for a loop and suddenly im the third wheel and im not included and i dont want to be alone but now its like..wow i dont have friends like i sometimes think i do :( im just alone and by myself and no one can really know what im dealing with...and i guess thats not fair and im over reacting maybe..but maybe i was just selfish thinking i would always have her to talk to and ahve fun with..and now her attention is taken by someone i dont know and it makes me mad kinda but more jealous..and i hate that shes going somewhere and i cant follow her :( shes growing up (regardless of ages here) and im just getting left behind again :\ now my thoughts are just being taken over by thoughts and wondering why exactly it is that i cant have what she has when it makes me so happy? what makes me so unlovable and different?? given i know very well i cant handle a relationship like that now and i dont know when ill be able to but i still want it..and it hurts because im just barely getting to the point of being touched without pulling away from ppl i know..i would freak out if someone i didnt know started touching me..

my mom is having surgery again and that worries me..classes worry me...getting my work done without freaking out worries me...everything worries me lately..the fact that i have no money for anything worries me beyond the normal range of worrying and for now i cant even do anything about it...i would just really rather not eat than to mention i dont have money for food anymore...lucky lucky me since i should be dieting anyway...everything is just crowding in on me and i cant see a way out of any of it...its been a sucky weekend and ive been cutting a lot and im trying to figure it all out and its like my head as reached the end of what it can safely figure out and it refuses to go anywhere else...i cant think about anything else my head is so full and i cant find an answer to any of my problems and i keep trying and it just frustrates me so much...i spent last night compeltely wired for no real reason and paced back and forth trying to figure out why i cant stop cutting :( i mean i can look at my arms and hate what ive done..i tell ppl they should stop while they can so they dont get addicted to it..i can tell all the reasons why its not the greatest coping skill and still i do it..regardless of all of it..and thats what bothers me so much..i know exactly what im doing and i still cant stop..i hate what im doing and it still draws me back no matter how long i fight it and put it off and swear to never pick up another blade again...maybe im just a wimp...maybe it is a drug and i cant stop without serious intervention..i dont know...and ive figured out i cant do it alone but how do you go about asking for help? thats not my strong point at all and without my doc i dont know what im doing either...living day to day is so hard and tiring sometimes..and i just want to give up and take a break from everything and i cant do that either :( and im just stressing myself out...i emailed my teacher today and asked if the way to get over a problem is to admit you have one :\ i mean i know i cut and purge and randomly starve but have i admitted them to myself?? i dont know...and if i dont know im pretty sure i havent then but admitting it makes it all true and i cant hide it anymore..and that scares the heck out of me...i cant do that can i?

to many thoughts floating around my head right now...just needed to write some ..not that it helps anyway

not good..

things arent really going great..i feel like im driving myself crazy ...being alone is starting to make me really nervous...i even called the counseling place on campus today but there werent any open ones for the doc i saw anyway..im going home for the weekend and right now all i can think about it how much burning will hurt...thats all i want..dont even know why..i cant get my head to leave me alone anymore and im trying not to start skipping c lasses and things because the semester is almost over and now would be a bad tme to start screwing up again..dusti is going home with me snice i just found yvonne is going home for the weekend too..i dont know where shes going actually i just know she wont be here...things have changed and i dont like it at all