just thinking...

everything that your ashamed of
all the parts of yourself that you keep secret
everything you want to change about yourself
its who you are
thats your power
deny it and your nothing
- Fame

Ive heard this on the movie Fame a million times..okay so maybe it was like 4 times lol..but i heard it and it makes a lot of sense to me..it feels true to me.. ive been trying to find it online you know..but well of course i was a bit slow and completely didnt realize i could just play the movie on slow so that i could write it down. sometimes im really slow about things..

but ive just been watching movies today..skipping along in movies to get to the parts that i like..

New Years Eve 2011

well it is new years eve...2011 is coming to an end.  im not sure if i am happy or sad to see the end of this year.  so much has happened this year. both positive and negative things have happened. things i dont want to remember or acknowledge. things i do want to remember and cant seem to recall them. ha the workings of my mind are an interesting interesting place.  but yes this year is coming to an end. I do not feel that i will have any new resolutions. there is not point in them really.  i will be working on the same stuff that i have been working on. continuing to work on finding myself and being okay with who i am.  i do want to work on doing more things that i like this year.  do more fun things you know.  not be so sad all the time.  but i am trying to make today a calm and stress free day.  Currently i am just laying down, surfing the net.  trying to decide if i want to take a nap or not lol.

i am still feeling sort of detached from everything.  i think that is how i am able to think more freely the past couple days.  the sad and hopeless feelings are so strong and i get so stuck in them.  but i am not feeling them currently. they are there still. goodness they are still there. but i am removed from them for now.  i cant function and deal with them. i really cant. i have just been thinking a lot about things. wondering about things. trying to understand how things have changed so very much in the past week and a half.  im not even completely afraid of it anymore. im just tired from having to constantly deal with it all. 

i want to say i have high hopes for the new year, but i dont.  i want to live. i want to survive.  i want to be able to be free and happy and safe.  that is all that i want.

After A While by Veronica Shoftsall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. .

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to leave you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

i found a path through the chaos

you know i found this particular picture weeks ago and have been wondering what i would use it for..and i thought i would actually use it to give someone else support. to help someone else feel a little less alone..and well it seems that i need to give myself the picture..that i am the one needing the extra support and care and understanding..

this has not been a good week..and i am finding myself having a harder and harder time articulating what it is that i need..what it is that i am trying to say.  i am feeling so very unstable, quiet, alone, confused. I am having a hard time identifying how i am feeling, and what is going on in my head.  im sad, im depressed, im a walking advertisment for a depressed person currently and i hate that i am struggling so much to keep myself together..to keep myself from falling apart.

yesterday was epicly bad..like i was ready to say goodbye to everyone and everything and i didnt care one way or another..im very tired of trying. im tired of how i keep wanting things to be different and they arent. im tired of trying to be happy and knowing that it is just not happening..i know a huge part of my unstableness right now is that i am missing my meds. but more than that. im just frustrated that i am having such a hard time of letting go of what happened over christmas.  im disappointed that once again things played out as they always do but this time it hurt me on a deeper level. it felt like i was being attacked about everything, like my entire presence was being called into question and the verdict was that once again i didnt measure up.  that still there is nothing about me that is worth love or caring or comfort. i felt alone, i was hurt although at the time i didnt want to acknowledge it.  i just wanted to push it away and pretend that i was happy and fine but i couldnt even do that right. i just wanted to be left alone. but it only took 3 days to leave me feeling completely broken and useless and stupid and like i wasnt good enough.  and no matter how i tried to think about it or make it better i just couldnt do it. even now the need for mommys approval outweighs my good sense and i keep setting myself up with this stuff and when it happens i am left feeling just hopeless.  i wonder what it is about me that is just so awful. what is it that makes me so horrible to be around? all of this stuff just goes back and forth in my head and i dont have ansswers for it.  i dont know how to make it better at all.  i dont know what was so different this time around being at home. i truly dont. but this time it was hard. it is still hard thinking about it. processing it. acknowledging jjust how hurt i am about all of it. and also having to realize how much it is affecting me. how much it has affected it.  it took this time at home to make me decide that i will not be going home again any time soon.  i cant set myself up to deal with that again.  i had been trying so hard to just find my place, and deal with myself and start attempting to deal with my feelings on past stuff. then i go home and before i even get home the fear eats at me. how am i still so afraid to go home? i once again wanted to prove that maybe this time it would be different. that this time it would be enough. but the exact oppisite happened.  and i just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. i feel broken. i feel unsure of myself, unsure of my life. and i dont like feeling like this.  i really dont like feeling like i have plans to kill myself and that i dont care enough to even try to stop it.  those are the feelings im afraid to acknowledge.  i am constantly having to convince myself that i will not cut, because what i see in my head is not good.  if i did what i wanted to do it would be bad. it would be making a bad choice. but i have razors. in a couple places and i think about using them. i think about the relief. and i think about how easy it would be to just get a small escape from myself..from my head..and that is all i want. god i would give anything for an escape right now. but i havent cut. i cant seem to release my feelings and so i feel like im just a walking time bomb. im waiting for something to happen. im waiting for whatever it is that is going to just relieve some of the pressure inside of me..and i dont know what it is or when it will happen..but it will happen. at some point.

things do feel very out of control right now. there is so much going on with everything.  work, life, lack of a life, so on and so forth. i have doctors appointments galore.. i have therapy and pdoc appointments..i feel like one of my clients..being expected to manage my life when things are getting away from me. i know i am having trouble managing right now. a lot of trouble actually. and i know that my personal stuff is truly beginning to affect my job and everything else. i cant focus. i cant think. im anxious. im slightly paranoid. im being impulsive. i want to talk. i want comfort, and then i just want to be left alone. i feel like i dont care about anything. i dont care about seeing my clients. i dont want to see them. i dont want to have to deal with there stuff along with my own stuff. it is tiring. and makes me think that i just want a break. and unfortunately i cant do that.  yesterday i actually was thinking about the hospital and all of that..crazy thinking considering i am completely against the hospital. i have to be able to manage myself. i have to be able to stay in control. but i dont know or understand how to get the control back.  i wonder if i ever had control of my life in the first place.  do i even know how to be in control of myself ? truly in control and not just like pretending im in control. i dont know. sometimes i dont even think i want to be in control of my life.  sometimes i just want someone to tell me what to do. what i should do. how to be better.

i feel like ive just always been so caught up in trying to be someone im not. trying to be this perfect person. trying to be just anyone other than me. and no matter how much i had other people telling me that i am in control of my life and i can make my own choices. i wasnt hearing them. i didnt want to hear them.  how can i believe what they tell me. when im so used to hearing that im just awful. that i should be like this other person. or why cant i do what someone has done. why arent i doing more with my life. on and on and on it goes. and i feel guilty. i feel like i dont try enough. i feel like im being pulled in so many different directions and i have gotten lost in the shuffle. i dont know who i am. i dont know what i want. i dont know how to be myself. i dont know how to figure out what it is that i want. that does make me sad. not knowing who i am. not being comfortable in my own skin.  of constantly thinking that i am awful and bad and stupid and well a lot of negative stuff.

there is so much i am wondering about right now..i have so much going on in my head and it is hard to go through all of it and make sense of all of it.  i have tried a lot in between yesterday and today to talk to my supervisor. but again i have had trouble articulating. troble figuring out what it is that i want to ask her. what i want from her. i dont know. i want to be heard but i am not talking. i am pulling away because i am afraid.  i want to hide how badly i am doing ..well i want to hide how badly i am feeling because i dont feel important..i dont feel that i deserve any type of support or caring..but at the same time i am craving it in a big big big way. i dont feel safe with myself..but there is no one that can make me feel safe either..ok well there is no one that i am able to get to that can help me feel safe. maybe i am just feeling very exposed..the other day i was thinking and it was as if i could see exactly how broken i was..and it wasnt even the being broken part that was the issue..it was the fact that i was watching myself destroy the broken pieces..by the time it was over there was no hope that i would ever be fixed..i am feeling as if i will never be better..ill never be fixed..that i am just messed up so much that any hope of being put together is a lie..that depresses me..a lot. i dont want to be broken. i dont want to be lost.  i dont want to feel so alone..

writing all of this is giving me time to think..space to think.  my head is feeling quiet right now and that is sorta why i am able to write and think and process in a more honest manner. but i am thinking that what needed to happen has happened.  how messed up is that??  my illusion of having this perfect family life has been shattered. i cant pretend that going home is something i want to do.  i cant pretend anymore that going home is going to be a happy and fun thing.  this trip home has made me realize that i cant keep going home with the way things are now. and if i want to protect myself at all then home is not the place for me to be.  if anyone had tried to tell me this yesterday or the day before i would have probably just stared at them blankly and thought about telling them to go away or to leave me alone.  a lot of times i wonder why everyone is lying to me about things. but this..this is what both kathy and linda have been trying to tell me i think..but i wasnt seeing it. i wasnt believing it. i so very much wanted to keep thinking that this time would be it. this would be the time mommy would see me and love me or like me or something..anything...i just wanted to be able to say that going home was worth it. that one good trip could erase all of the not so good ones..but this trip home was very bad. very upsetting..and i think somehow i was finally able to see things are they are..although at the time i know i wasnt figuring it out..the way ive felt the past few days have let me know that my ideas and hopes were all for the wrong things..my desires to be perfect and good are maybe possibly unabtainable..that i wont survive if i keep doing this..that i wont be able to keep myself alive long enough to do anything else. so much of my life has passed and i am still struggling to just deal with it..ive missed a lot of stuff..i havent done a lot of stuff..i have been thinking about things in a not so good way..and ive wanted to keep my illusion alive..i wanted to have the perfect childhood, i wanted to be able to say i was happy growing up..that i was loved and wanted..but its a lie..and no matter how much i might want it to be different..its not..i was hurt..i was picked on. bullied i guess. i did not have the childhood i wanted to have..not at all.. and as much as i havent wanted to acknowledge it..as much as i wanted to say that i am lying to myself..that nothing happened..its not true..all i really have to do is look at the scars that cover most of my body to realize that something has been wrong..to know that i am not alright.

all of this does make me feel so sad..i feel hurt..i feel stupid for not being able to see the truth. for not being able to see what has been in front of me for my entire life..i was willing to call everyone else a liar in order to protect my thoughts and  feelings about mommy. i am willing to be mean to myself..ok i bully myself because i learned that it is okay to be mean to me..but im not able to be mean to anyone else. i have hurt myself over and over and over again..on purpose because i thought i deserved it..because i could deal with the pain..because i could ignore the scars..i dont see myself as an equal person in anything. i dont see myself as competent, or as an adult or anything..i base my self worth or things that happened in the past..and i am ashamed..i am guilty. crap i am a whole lot of stuff tonight it seems. but i am not angry at myself. im not angry for not understanding things..im sad that its taken me this long to even begin to figure this stuff out. i couldnt have written this a year ago. i wouldnt have even been able to think about any of this stuff a year ago. i am afraid though..of the changes..of how things will be. of how things could be.

im worried also about well asking linda about the whole may not be able to help me bit.  that does have me worried. i wonder what is wrong with me.  i wonder what i have done wrong. i wonder why i cant be fixed or helped or managed. im scared that i will be told that once again i have to much to deal with. that i need something that no one will be able to give me..i dont know..i need to think about this part of things a lot more though.

in the past 24 hours or so i have tried to reach out for support..to let ppl know that i am not completely ok..its hard admitting that things are not good. its hard for me to admit that i have been thinking about dying and all of that. it is harder still to have others point out the things that i am missing and not seeing..to have others point out the good qualities in me that i cant seem to see..and for more than one person to tell me that things need to change in my relationship with mommy..do i need a bigger wake up call??  im starting to think a highway billboard in flashing neon lights may be the only thing to get my attention on this..but it has taken me feeling so completely broken for any of this to actually get through...it has taken this awful and miserable last few days to hear the stuff people are telling me..to see that my view on things are a lot different than others views on this..and that because of my feelings and emotions and all of that..i have been unable to see things for what they are..unable to see the truth in what is right in front of me..it is hard..very very hard..but to my horror none of this crap is going to be easy to deal with.  i would like my get out of jail free card right about now.  a magic wand? a trip to some fairy tale place?  do i get 3 wishes? anything? hmmm no i guess not. i guess i will be having to deal with this..all of this inorder to make sense of it.  although i was pretty annoyed when kathy told me that this was an oppurtunity for growth because i just wanted to scream at the time.  but now that i have moved into whatever place it is that i am in..i am able to think a little more clearly and see that there may have been a small amount of truth to what she was saying.  darn it i hate when she and linda are right about stuff..

well i truly dont know why i am feeling so different this evening..well its getting pretty late right now and i think i have been writing for a good while. but i guess i needed to get some things out. i havent been able to think lately.  my own pain and fears were really getting in the way of things. im still feeling pretty down and out but im hoping that i have reached the bottom  and am able to start pulling my way back out again..or at least stop wanting to die. i know ill be forced now to wait until next week to call about my meds again. so ill just be taking things a day at a time. i cant plan for anything right now with my feelings and moods going back and forth so much. right now though i think sleep is in order..well a super late dinner and then sleep..and then maybe ill be able to focus a bit more tomorrow morning to finish my late reports..blah..

im not sure yet what i plan to do with this..for now its just here..i guess i need to think on all of this for a while longer..

....

sometimes i just want to destroy everything about myself..i want to get rid of the bad parts..i want to find out what is so wrong with me and just make it go away :(

Rainy Day Blues

Super cool though ..seeing a rainbow on the way home this afternoon..i mean it was pouring rain and i couldnt see to save my life..and finally it lightened up..and i just looked over and there was this massively bright rainbow :) 

so about today...mood is still majorly down and out...and i just keep thinking about how much i want a break from life..and how it is unfair that i have to be so upbeat and postive for my clients to give them reasons to keep hanging on..when i feel like im just barely hanging on myself..the hope is that my meds will come in this week..i was at the clinic this morning and they were not in yet..so i am still waiting for them...good grief i hope they come in this week... but saw the doc this morning and got med refills and a butt load of other appointments..i mean they are all helpful appointments..but really..do i really need to suffer through ANOTHER gyno appointment.. :( that is going to be hard..doubly hard in that im pretty sure ive been assigned a male doc..but i have that..and then an appt with a nutritionist, the reg pharm d appt, sleep study, lab work, and another reg doc appt..all within the next month and a half...i want to scream..and well the doc appts just make me so nervous and they try to take my pulse and blood pressure and it gets so very high and im trying to calm down but it doesnt work..ugh..so did that this morning..and yeah..majorly not nice to have to go to the doc after the holidays...felt like a major pig being weighed this morning..ugh..

worked for most of the afternoon though..and now i am at home again..about to get dinner started and then buckling down for a night of paperwork..my goal is to work on it tonight and get it all done and organized and ready to be turned in ON TIME tomorrow...its been a while i know..but just the issue of having extra time anyway..and not turning it in on time would be not the best idea..so either way i have quite a bit to do..but will be doing it tonight..maybe it will be another night of having a hard time sleeping..and so ill stay up and just work on notes...fun..

but ok im hungry..so guessing im gonna go and work on dinner..thats the plan

christmas ramblings...things i wrote at home

Tonight is Christmas eve and I am feeling very unhappy..and just sad…im upset and frustrated and not feeling worth anything at all…I wish I hadn’t come home quite honestly..i knew I wasn’t myself..and I haven’t had my medicine and so im just feeling easily attacked maybe..overly sad..to sensitive..something..i need an excuse to make this worth it somehow..i need to make this worth it somehow..and I don’t want o blame my unhappiness on mommy ..i really don’t..but her picking and comments are upsetting and make me sad..and tonight I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it..and I feel like ive been mean..but I wasn’t downstairs and so no I didn’t volunteer to clean up..why would I when there is nothing dirty in the stupid house??  Dishes from dinner maybe..but that still had to wait until all the company left..and then mommy made the choice to clean and to clean everything like it was horribly dirty..and then she gets pissed at me for not helping..for not seeing that things needed to be cleaned?! I told her I didn’t see anything that needed to be cleaned minus the dishes and that ppl were still visiting and what not and so I had been watching a movie with henry and harmony..i wasn’t feeling up to visiting and being social so I didn’t go downstairs..my head wasn’t in it..but im still I ntrouble..im still stupid for not seeing what she sees..and so I told her that no I hadn’t seen anything to be cleaned at the time..and so besides being stupid im blind too..i really cant win for losing when im at home..i don’t know what to do..it makes me feel so tired..and useless..so very stupid..and I get caught in the need to defend myself..to prove some how that Im not always messing stuff up and that im not so clueless about stuff..and all it gets me is more mocking and picking and her telling me to just go away..am I not being nice enough?  Am I not being good enough?? Right now I don’t think I can get any gooder..but I don’t have the energy to try really..and so im just messing up..and cant do anything right..and because I didn’t help clean up..then I couldn’t go back into the kitchen this evening..i feel like complaining and crying and all I said weas whatever..and left the kitchen…why bother you know..its pointless..and so I just took my sleep meds and im hoping that sleep will win out over the fact that I am incredibly hungry..and the screwed up part of my brain is thinking like yay more training on how to ignore when im hungry..and the just regular part of my brain is upset because im hungry and wanted something to eat and was told no..which in turn messes with my head big time..right now I really truly just want to go to sleep.. this morning mommy had issues with what I was wearing…so I changed..a few times..and just felt so ugly and again stupid for once again messing up..and not being prepared..she told me yesterday I looked fine but today I didn’t..who exactly was I going to be hanging out with?? I was going to help dee wrap presents..no one was looking at me…but I changed because she made me feel really uncomfortable..because I wasn’t good enough as I was..as I am..because I am constantly comparing and judging myself based on what mommy has said is important..and I don’t even who that person is ..i just know that I keep working to be better..to just be more than this..more than me..and still I am failing miserably at this..i keep trying and nothing I do matters..nothing at all..i just want to go home. At least if I am at my own home I don’t suck as much..i still suck..but just not as badly as I  do at home.

Well I finally have time to write this evening…christmas is pretty much over and done with and im tired…my waking up early isn’t working out so hot and I guess my night meds are not working as well..i don’t know..but I just know that I am feeling really tired tonight..ive been up since about 5 I think..i woke up and I think eventually I fell back to sleep..but after a while I  was just up and couldn’t go back to sleep…but anyway Christmas…mommy told me that I wouldn’t be getting much..but I guess I was a little hurt by how little she did get me..and I know I shouldn’t be selfish and I should be happy with what I got and that I was able to get gifts at all..but I looked at what everyone else got and I couldn’t help but compare..and I guess I was hurt..maybe im being overly sensitive..i cant even tell anymore..i really cant..and it makes me feel very sad …and so I was feeling pretty hurt this morning watching everyone open bunches of stuff..and I didn’t have the same..maybe im just being super selfish and horrible..i did get what I asked for..a kindle fire..and it is pretty awesome..i was able to get online with it at my cousins house this evening and played with it..and it will be usefull..i love it..i wish I was able to get on it at mommys house but no internet at home..and so I think I am kinda suffering in that..im out of contact iwht my support ppls and im just struggling and feeling so very inadequate in a number of ways..but mommy said she liked the gift I got her..and nia and henry and everyone liked there gifts..so that did make me feel good for a little while..and I did get some really cool stuff from nia and everyone..but again today my head was just going a million different ways..happy sad angry frustrated upset..just a general sad vibe though..i tried though..i really truly tried to be happy today..and I just couldn’t do it..i said hi and did the customary hugs and how are yous..but I just wanted to be left alone..it was to loud..and I just was having a hard time..but mommy again told me that I just wasn’t dressed well enough..tht something different would have been better..and so I went from being slightly pleased with my outfit to feeling as if I made a huge mistake and that I should have worn something different..that I should have somehow been better..the message though is that I am just not good enough..no matter what I do I am just not good enough..and no amount of trying or no amount of changing myself will make it any better at all..it sucks you know..that im just so messed up..so awful.. so everything..i feel like I am the outcast..that I am the one that is just not good enough..that one that just doesn’t fit in..i try..but I cant talk to ppl..i have a hard time relating..i don’t like ppl im not comfortable around..even if it is family..i can be civil..i can say hi..but I wont do small talk..in a crowded house this  evening I talked more with nia and rob than anyone ..and when I wasn’t talking to them I was playing with my kindle..i  didn’t want to talk to anyone..i didn’t know what to say..i felt as if I was just sticking out tonight and that I just wasn’t important..i wasn’t needed or wanted there..i felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me..and just thinking about how awful and stupid I am..my paranoia is really bad right now..and at the end of the day I am left feeling very depressed and very sad and left out..i try to include myself but I still just manage to stay on the sidelines and just watch everyone else having fun…this is Christmas and im feeling so very depressed..i should be happy..i want to be happy..but all I can think about is how I don’t measure up..no matter how hard I try I just don’t measure up…but I am going home tomorrow afternoon…im going to leave as early as I can get away with..im just not doing well here and I would rather be back at home..back in my own space if I am feeling so down and stuff…being at home and so down is just not working out..i don’t feel in control..i don’t feel like myself..i want to hide..to run away..i just want to be someone other than me..is that really so much to ask for?? Why cant I be someone other than me?? 

tired

im tired of everything right now...i truly am...

im going home today and it took until last night to even get myself to stop rushing myself for no reason..ill leave when i feel like leaving..im in no rush to get home..im truly not...and i just gotta remind myself of that..a lot...i really hope the next few days go well. i really do..i just dont have the energy to fight with mommy..i really dont..

anxious...really really anxious

my anxiety is really bad right now..and i dont really know why..but my little squishy ball may end up with a hole popped in it soon if i cant get myself under control..im just geetting more and more frustrated and i just want to go home and i cant and im feeling very exposed and upset and anxious and did i mention upset?  its like im flying in a million different directions and there is no one there to catch my scattering pieces ...

craptastic day

i just cant seem to get things together today...been up forever..still left home late..was going to skip work today but didnt ..and so now ive ended up in the office to work on late work when all i want to do is to go and hide at home away from everything... :( im not in the best of moods today..my head hurts..my chest hurts for some reason and im just tired...really very tired...which is i guess my way of saying that i am thinking things that are not good or helpful or safe...

woke up on the wrong side of the bed

im highly upset this morning...pissed upp, angry, mad at everything..mad at myself..frustrated by my lack of money ..i know i just need to make it a little bit longer and get through Christmas and make it to my next pay check..and things will get a little easier..but im so pissed off that i messed up so royally this month money wise..and i know that it has a lot to do with my car needing extra stuff..but at the same time it is also just a lot of not good choices..and im just frustrated..and annoyed..and i know that Christmas isnt just about the gifts and everything..i do ..but i feel guilty that i cant do anything for my family for Christmas..i feel stupid and awful for not being able to really give much..and i know i need the money for bills and stuff and that it should be about family..but i dont know..i just really dont know...and well my home is more important and so all of the money i do have will be going for that..and if im careful i may even make it home..but yes my account will overdraw next week..and it will overdraw big time! but again i will just have to deal...

everything is just on my right now and im disappointed that things are not going as i planned and i was so excited about the conference thing and well im not 100% sure i can go..actually i guess ive known that i cant go but i was just hoping big time that i would be able too.. and i truly cant afford it..not in the face of all of what is happening right now..money wise..and so spending an extra 500 of money that i dont have may not be all that smart..blah..ii hate when being responsible wins out..and i dont want to be responsiible ...but i hate the uncertainty of my housing situation..and well i dont want to have to move.due to my stupidness...so yeah..im just mad at things today...

and no word at all on my medicine coming in ..and my head is just so off..and im so very anxious..and just sad..very very sad...

doc yesterday was good though..well i got good news..from the specialist..my levels look good..im losing weight..im taking my medicine...my bp meds are going to increase..but other wise things are looking okay you know..so that is good...

struggling...

everything is messed up and yes it is my fault and yes it all sucks royally

quote

You were not meant to sit on the edge of life, not trying for fear of failing. Not loving for fear of getting hurt. Not looking at yourself for fear that you won’t like what we see. Try. Try with all your might. Your courage will unfold as your resolve takes hold. And with each effort you make you’ll earn another coin with which to buy what no one else can give you: Your self-respect, and the life you were meant to live. ~ Sandra Kring

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

meds..crazy head and inability to focus...

well this morning i am feeling a bit more clear headed..and it is prolly due in fact to the i took extra lexapro last night..i think im going to just go ahead and take 40 of the lexapro until the other meds come in and then go back down to 20..i was on 40 before and managed i guess..so ill have to just manage now until the other meds come in..and i will..i have no choice really..and i cant function if i cant think..or if i am to scared to leave the house or something..its not going to work..and i will not be able to get anything at all done...crap the past few days i havent been able to get anything at all done..i couldnt think past how badly my head hurt..or how anxious i was feeling..i wasnt doing so hot you know...but this morning ive been working on some of my work stuff..and will get the rest of it done by this afternoon so i can just get it turned in and move on..its frustrating that i am back to struggling so darn much..i hate it..i really really do :(

i hate everything

i dont think i can get any more depressed right now..my head is killing me. and i cant think anymore today and just the idea of talking to anyone else gives me a headache. i couldnt take work anymore so i came home.. talked to the clinic today and my meds were there...later this afternoon they finally call me again to let me know that there was some form missing that they sent in this morning..and i told her i was out of meds..and no where has samples..and so there only other option is to give me a script and for me to see if i can fill it..really?? can i could swear i was seeing them because i couldnt afford the $250 script in the first place..and the withdrawl is awful and bad and making me feel crazy and mean and anixous and annoyed and i cant stand being near anyone and i dont want to talk to anyone..and its all very frustrating..and hiding and crying is all i want to do..but i cant even focus enough to remember i want to cry..i dont know when the meds will be in..and i already know i cant afford the meds ..so all i can do is wait it out and hope the withdrawl stuff starts to lessen or something..i hate everything right now..and its prolly best that i keep mmy contact with other ppl to a minimum..feel free to ignore me..thats what im trying to do

ugh

yesterday was not a great day...my anxiety was way way up and i was just not in a good place when i was out yesterday and i just couldnt manage my anxiety at the store..i was confused and lost and scared an upset..and i couldnt deal..and i couldnt think or remember what i was even in the store to get..and i was just getting more and more anxious and there were to many people and i couldnt do it..and i just wanted to run away..its frustrating..when i have days like these.. and i know part of it is that my meds are off and my anxiety isnt as under control right now..but it was just really hard yesterday and i guess being out of the house just made me feel very unsafe and very not okay...

my anxiety led me to binging ..before i would i have cut to calm myself down..but without cutting i turn to food and so i overate yesterday big time..i didnt want to eat..i was hungry but not for what i ended up having..it wasnt satisfying at all and just left me feeling overly full and really just stupid and fat and frustrated...lately i always think that i have the choice to make and im just making bad ones..i dont know where my head has been lately..i dont know why i dont care anymore..and im really just disappointed in myself and my eating lately..ive gone back almost to how i was eating before..you know fast food, bread..cereal..all things that it is so easy to binge on...in my mind eating a whole box of cereal is bad but at the time i want it..and i just eat.and eat and eat..and i know what im doing and i know i can stop myself..but i dont..and then i feel sick and gross and hate myself..i dont know..my head is just not doing so great right now..and my fears are becoming overwhelming..just my fear of everything..im afraid more lately..im frustrated and irritated more easily lately..im so tired of everything lately..

i found this quote yesterday..its from a movie that i like ..

At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by... you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are... especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself... But I am this person. And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.

i like the quote. it makes sense to me..sometimes i am reminded that so much of my life is passing me by and that i am trying to hard to fit in and be normal and not stick out so very much..but i am just me..and like or not thats all ive got.. and one of these days all of this will make sense..

i will most likely weigh myself today..but i only track on wed...so yeah..my damage the past few weeks will be impossible to ignore :(  i went above and beyond everything..and gained weight really fast...its disappointing..majorly disappointing ..but since when has feeling sorry for myself made anything better ?? i know this stuff..i do..and i have to make the choice to do better..to care...and not do not good stuff to myself..but yeah..time to get up and morning...breakfast and a bit of work..t and then more working on paperwork..and yeah..that will be my day..phone calls to set up appointments for the week..and then yeah..thats all i guess..

a lot of randomness

ugh im nervous...really really nervous about the fla trip in jan..i really am..the closer it gets the more indecisive i become...yes im going..somehow i will get there and try not to freak out in the process..but goodness its nerve wrecking.. im afraid ..darn...but im trying to figure out how im going to do the hotel and everything..im trying to decide if i want to drive or fly..and because im so uncomfortable flying..i may just drive it..and i can make it a two day drive just so that im not super stressed out ...it will be more expensive though..driving it...but there are not any more nonstop flights out there..and it really is a straight shot on 95..but im going to have to figure it out soon because im gonna have to do my hotel reservation by the end of the month..blah..its like ok no more extra spending for anything at all until after jan ..good grief...but its either im going to have to get a hotel and a plane ticket..or a hotel and a rental car and loads of gas money ..essh.. im disappointed a bit that i dont have anyone i can ask to go with me :(  that is really hard to deal with...i dont do many things by myself and ill sorta know ppl once im at the conference but at the same time im kinda by myself too...but i guess at the end of the night ill be able to go back to my room and have peace and quiet..so maybe it is good...that i dont have to be so in control...so on top of things...who knows...i still have time to think all of this through..essh

thoughtful ideas...changes...

you know..i had an interesting conversation with my sister today...about adoption and foster care..and it makes me thoughtful..it really does..i had forgetten all about my desire to adopt a child..my desire to care for a child who needs a home..i have been so caught up and jealous over wanting a baby and not being able to have one..for a lot of different reasons..and its like suddenly the whole adoption and foster care role seems like it is do able again..like i can do it...within reason...i want to have a goal again..something to work for ..to work towards..and maybe somewhere in my head i know that i will be a great parent..not right now..but with time..and support and of course working through my own mess..i can make it to a place where my health is not in question and that i am able to take care of and support a child who needs it.. maybe that is the route i need to consider..and look at seriously.. in a couple years im going to be 30..what will that mean for me?  what do i want to accomplish by the time im 30?  where do i want my life to be at...

the past few days ive been thinking a lot about what i want to do..and all these little ideas are filling my head and there is so much that i do want to do..and there is so much that i want to accomplish...

ive remembered my desire to work with children and adults with HIV/AIDS..i have a client who is hiv positive..ive had a coworker who had AIDS..they are my friends..i care for them and there well being..

i want to get a house..i want to have a place to call mine..and to do that..i know that i will have to take care to get my darn credit in order..

i want to be stable enough in my head that  i am not a danger to a child..any child..but i think if i had a child placed with me  then i would be taking time off of work..and so i would want to have money saved..i would want to be in a place where i could give the child the time and attention she needed...which makes it that more important to get my own stuff in order..to get my health in order..to not want to die so much...

ugh battling my own stuff..blah..but i realize ..well im realizing the importance of doing this..of maintaining my goals and figuring out what it is that i want to do..what i want to work towards...i have to have something to work towards...

and with that..i have 3 trips that im planning for next year...all before the summer...2 trips to fla and 1 trip to cancun.. all trips i want to take..i do...which reminds me that i need to send in my dates for the fla trip...but this next year is going to be awesome for me..it has to be..i dont think it can get any worse than this year!

and on a major side note..i applied for my birth certificate and i just listed unknown for my parents..and i havent gotten anything back that says it cant be processed..so maybe that is good and ill be able to have my passport in time to plan the trip...gotta have my passport..

hmm so i guess thats my rambling for today..

an interesting concept...

you know..i can doubt myself every day..i can not believe in anything that  i am expected to do..i can not care about myself at all..but all it takes is someone who i do trust to question if i can do something and my need to prove them wrong and to prove that i can do it and can manage goes into over drive..i had therapy yesterday and my fear almost won out and i almost didnt make it to my appointment.  i was sitting in my car for almost 30 mins just wasting time.but when it got to ten minutes before my appontment my fear went into over d rive..i didnt want to see her. i didnt want to be afraid or upset. i wondered why therapy cant be a happy occurence that makes my days better..but i went..and as usual once i was there i was almost fine. still really nervous and a little bit on edge. but  i went and talked to her.  but at the end when i was getting ready to leave my therapist brought up the question of whether she felt comfortable with continuing to push me. and it was at that moment that i twas like wow am i really so over the top with all of this?? and maybe that is not the right way to explain it. but i started to think and understand that i have to be pushed becuase my comfort zone is all about avoiding and not having to talk about any of this..i have to know that she is going to push me and not let me stay so stuck in my comfort zone. i wont do it by myself..and well i can drag this out for years and that is one of the things that i am really afraid of ..that i will be still stuck in this same place years from now. and i am so tired of feeling stuck..im tired of my past stuff preventing me from doing anything or trusting myself..or even liking myself at this point..i dont want to give up on me..maybe thats it. i need her unyeilding belief in me because thats what i have to hold on to when i am deathly afraid and unsure of everything. i need something..someone to be constant..and between her and my supervisor they are my constants..i see them often enough that i know they are not going to disappear on me..and that they can get me back from the edge .. i did tell my therapist yesterday that i may as well go ahead and have everything suck now and not later. and i did manage better with yesterdays session..i realy did.  it was still confusing to me.what we talked about..and i dont understand it at all..but i did not leave her office completely upset and suicidal..so ill consider that an improvement.

and i was also thinking yesterday that it is prolly a good thing that my supervisor cut me off from the hugs..and i really truly cant believe i said that..ugh...but i realize that i am going back to being able to be around her and not feel so desperate for a hug..so desperate for comfort...im not going to have a break down on the spot because you know she will not give me a hug...i am still getting pretty jealous of other ppl having her time..and her talking to other ppl..but yeah that one i am going to have to deal with...i know that i am going to have to keep working on this big time..but i am figuring out that i can get through the day..or week without needing a hug from her..still want them but my good judgement is not being compromised because of the desire to be near her..

collages,,,feelings of late

i really dont understand myself

sooo...prolly watching something i shouldnt have been watching becuase it is a bit triggering in the food dept..and well its gotten the attention of a couple inside who i would rather not to be out..

all sorts of ideas are in my head..all sorts of things to do that will affect my health and i dont care..and i know they are having some sway in what i am thinking about feeling..but their ideas make sense..they do..although some of the ideas may cause bigger problems..like taking medicine that i no is not good for me..but i want it and i have plans to get it ..because i want it..and it does help me focus..yeah it does..but im willing to ignore all the bad side effects for one side effect that makes sense to me..and i know that i am really truly looking for something to replace the cutting now that ive gotten the verbal contract back in place..shoot knowing that i cant cut because i promised makes me want to find something else to do that hurts..that makes me distracted..anything..i just cant deal with not doing anything that hurts myself. i dont know.. im like ready to become a vegetarian again..i want my other medicine back that kills my appetite..i want to just eat and eat until im sick and then i do get sick and then its not my fault..ugh..yeah lots of thoughts in my head..

i am worth it

i am worth it.  that is what kathy tells me.  that what kathy had me say. out loud with her.  she told me to say it even if i didnt believe it. and i did. i said it outloud even though it was scary and i dont believe it.  but starting somewhere is better than not starting at all.. right?

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

i am feeling very confused...very sad...and very unsure of what to do.  i know what i should do. what i need to do. but the follow through scares me.. i was ready to give up today. i was. i was willing to give in and give up because things are to hard and to scary..and im afraid..im afraid to face the truth..im afraid to accept the truth..im afraid to acknowledge just how much i have been hurt and let down and picked on and yelled at and just treated badly..my illiusion of safety is falling down around me..and im forced to look at what actually is and that is scary..my desire to have had a great childhood is not possible because it didnt happen..inside i was hurt..i was hurt alot and treated badly and i grew up and am still struggling to deal with all of my past stuff..its not fair..

my supervisor told me again..that i am worth it. that i am worth being loved..im just so very sad and am unsure about what it is that i deserve..i said that i was not worth it a bit today..more than once..i said it because i feel its true. but i have linda and kathy telling me other wise..kathy told me that i have so much to offer others..and that if i wasnt worth it then why do my clients want to see me..why am i being noticed while working and being asked for..i would give anything to believe her..but the doubt is still there..what about me is so special?  what have i done to deserve anyones praise or recognition and i wonder what people want from me..i wonder what it is that they are seeing in me that i dont see... how cant i see the truth ?  i want to see the truth..

i just keep thinking about everything that has happened today..as much as i want to hurt myself..i wont do it..because i promised not to..i wont break the promise i made..but the urge is there..the desire to hurt is there..the need to escape is there big time..my head just fell apart today .. and ive been at home most of the day..not doing a darn thing..just laying down..trying to stay busy and still managing to think a lot..my thoughts run away from me..and always leads to feelings of fear..

i dont know :(  i really dont know anything right now..

hard day

today is a hard hard day

left t feeling very unsafe and tearful..so went to my supervisor (because in my head that made perfect sense) .. she was busy when i got there so i waited to talk to her..and was able to calm down some in that time..but when i did talk to her..she laid into me big time..i had both her and t tell me under no uncertain terms was i to consider killing myself..hurting myself..but the underlying thing was suicide..t told me that she would be pissed off at me..and my supervisor told me that i would be letting the bad people win.. writing this is really hard so bare with me..and i guess i need to start a little more at the beginning..

i went to t this morning feeling super nervous because she had something that i had written about past stuff..stuff i remembered..and i was scared about what she would say..and her having it and if she had read it..so i got there..and after the normal this is how im doing bit..we got into what i had written..and i told her i was nervous and scared about her having it. she told me she read it. and that it had been painful to read..but then we started to talk about how i would respond if a friend had given me what i had written..to which i started to go all over the place..because of course i would never say the things i say to myself to a friend .. i wouldnt. it would be horrible and mean..so t kept asking what i would tell my friend. after thinking about it a lot i told her i would tell them that it wasnt there fault..and that that was all i could do today..t asked about looking back and being able to understand that mommy may have had some problems..and that maybe she had been abused herself..all things i cant seem to wrap my head around..we talked about the fact that i was singled out..t said that mommy was cruel and abusive..she said it was abuse.. and i told her i deserved it. that i was trying to protect mommy still..t did a lot of talking today because my fear and scared feelings had me feeling really trapped and uncomfortable..i wanted to cut..i was planning to cut..but t asked me before i left to promise that i wouldnt hurt myself..and that pretty much stopped me cold..i dont know how she figured out that i had been planning something..i dont .. i onlt mentioned killing myself once in the session today..and she told me that she would be pissed off if i did..that she was pissed off that i was even considering it..but no the deal is that she is willing to stick with me and help me and support me..but i have to do my part and refrain from hurting myself..her logic is that she would rather i was safe and stuck..than unsafe and working on stuff i personally think her logic is stupid..and i may have to tell her that next week..but i did promise..to the ultimate horror of my head..i promised to not do anything..even though two minutes before visons of the damage i planned to do was the most pressing thought..so t told me that she understood that todays session was like a bomb being dropped with what we talked about..and i agreed with her on that..she asked me to give it time..to process how i was feeling..to decide later where to go from here..i guess she knew i wasnt completely ok..but i left her and some how managed not to scream and cry and well in general throw a fit while with her..but i got to my car and was just unable to get it through my head that i said i wouldnt hurt myself..lots of yelling and crying and ranting and well overwhelmed feelings of how hard it was and how scared i was..and so i took myself to see my supervisor because i wasnt ok enough to manage work..and i didnt know where else to go..the drive there i wasnt ok..and i got there and my supervisor was busy but she asked if i needed to talk to her and i told her i did but that i would wait..and im again guessing that she knew something was up..i never directly ask to talk to her..i just sorta around until she talks to me or she manages to get me to talk about what ever is bothering me...so i waited..and in that time i was able to calm down a bit and focus and stopped the urge to just cry and fall apart..i was pretty much just zoned out on the couch in the office by myself (because i was upstairs and they were downstairs) but i was with it enough to kinda sit back up and make it look like i was actually doing something when the office manager came upstairs to get me..so i went to talk to her..and gosh darn it ..i told her that i was having a difficult morning and she stated that i was upset..that i looked upset..so i told her some of what had happened and what i had promised..and she started talking..i mean really truly talking to me about how i had been tricked growing up..and that i believed things that werent true..and that i had to choose what to believe now as an adult..she told me that it was not my fault..and that it was NEVER the childs fault..and that i hadnt been protected and that the adults involved were wrong not me..she told me that i had to think about and consider what my purpose was..and that i would have to work through my own stuff without giving up inorder to be able to help others..she told me that there were other little girls out there who needed me to help them..i mean she really talked to me today..and she talked about my thinking about suicide and cutting and told me that she would not even consider that as real..that she knew i could make it and that i had so much more waiting for me..and that i couldnt give up..she asked me more than once if i was hearing her..really hearing her..she told me that i didnt need to my head in shame and that i was worth it..and proceeded to make me say that i was worth it too.. and she gave me a hug before i left...a big safe hug..

i have such a headache..earlier while i was at my office my head was spinning like crazy...i did attempt to go to work but i had already asked a coworker to get one of my ppl for me..and so i didnt stick around..i came home..im feeling so very unsafe and sad right now..i wonder how it is that t and my supervisor believe completely that i can get through this and that i will be better..my supervisor told me that she had plans for me but that i had to get to work on my stuff and be able to move past it and learn what i needed to learn...how can i..help anyone else when right now im not even sure i can help myself? this is so very hard and so very scary...both t and supervisor keeps mentioning that ive already gotten through the hard stuff..that ive already lived through it..thats true and everything..but having to talk about it and deal with it now is messing with my head big time..it really is and im not sure im strong enough to get through it..

my supervisor did mention something that i thought was interesting..and im trying to remember it like she said and so i hope this makes sense...
we were talking about who was to blame..who i was protecting..and she told me that if they were so right in there actions then there was nothing to hide..that i would not feel the need to hide and to keep secrets..she said they needed to tell everyone what they did if they left there were right and had done nothing wrong..and as much as i kept telling her that it was my fault..i couldnt disagree with this..if it was right and i deserved it as i believe then darn it let them tell what happened..let them own up to what happened and live with what they did if they believe it to be so right..but if they were not right..and there actions were not right..and there was something to hide.then that means something about it is wrong..and that it is up to me to talk about what happened...she told me that the way to make sense of it was to talk about it and keep talking about it..to not hide it and to not keep the secrets anymore.. does that make sense ? if i am keeping the secrets then i am letting the bad people win..then everything that has happened was just a waste wasnt it..if im not willing to say what happened then my supervisor pointed out that others are at risk...and that is something that bothers me immensely..i dont not want to wonder about other children being hurt and that i could help them by talking..by telling what happened..i couldnt protect myself but maybe i can protect someone else..

i dont want anyone else to get hurt

something that is bothering me though is that i dont truly remember what happened..when i was a baby..a toddler..under the age of 5 or 6..practically nothing..sexual abuse is something that happened..but i dont know how or when or what happened..something happened before 5 but i dont know what it is..and i say 5 because there was a video that mommy had of us..well my brothers and sisters and i..and on it was reading..and not once did i look at the camera..my eye contact has been an issue since i was very young..and i dont know why..or what caused it..the concern is that when i was a baby and well up until i was almost 3 due to my sister being sick and in and out of the hospital..i have no idea where i was..i dont know who took care of me..i dont know anything..and i just wonder what happened that caused so much of me to break apart..it doesnt make sense i remember what happened at 8 sorta with the cousin..but i do think things happened before that..at a much younger age..but i just dont know what it was...i talk to my supervisor and the thinly veiled references to sexual abuse scare me..heck any of the references to that scares me a lot a lot..and i try so hard to avoid them..but i have to stop avoiding now..thats the message ive gotten today..that i have to stop hiding and i have to stop keeping the secrets and that i have to talk..and say what happened..or else i will keep being the victim and everyone else will win..

t talked to me some about how she considered what mommy did to me as cruel..and that really scares me to. she said that there is abuse..and that clearly what happened was abuse..but that there is also a competent of it that is just cruel...the fact that i was singled out..and treated so differently makes me think that mommy planned some of what she did..that she had to have planned it to make it so that it was just directed at me and no one else..and again even writing this my need to protect her..to say it was my fault..that i was bad..that i deserved it wants to come out..why do i keep protecting everyone ? why do i want to keep them from being in trouble so very much that i am willing to consider suicide before i will consider telling what happened?? it makes me feel so very crazy ..and right now i am feeling incredibly unbalanced with life and myself..i dont know who to trust..the ones who hurt me and continue to hurt me..or the ones who see me and accept me and care for me..why cant i see the truth that is just looking at me..

i just dont understand..and i know that right now way to much has happened today to even begin to understand what has happened..or how to process it all..but i want to understand..i do..but i dont know how..i dont know what i want to do or what i want to happen..my head is way super confused right now..

something is on my mind..

i saw linda earlier this week and i kept telling myself i was going to write about what we talked about. heck i cant believe some of what we talked about or what i said..during the session what i was saying was ok...after the session my need to punish myself for saying to much and telling to much of how i really feel and think started up..and its hard to manage those thoughts..everything is so very messed up in my head. it is.

we talked quite a bit about my supervisor and my feelings about how much i want her for a parent and how much that is just not going to happen.  -insert major tantrum throwing here-  im frustrated at my lack of ability to see the logic in this. i really truly am because the way i keep working it out in my head is not the way linda or my supervisor sees it and no amount of trying to convince me otherwise is letting me see this from a more logical standpoint.. but no the thing that is bothering me most is that i actually told linda that im not able to give anything to anyone else.  that i need to much and that i want everything but cant give anything back.  i dont know where the statement came from. i really dont.  im not even sure why i was thinking it ..much less why i said it outloud..and it bothers me..that i told linda something that no one is ever supposed to hear.  darn it.  i think that was pushed so far away that i ahd even forgotten about it. because i said it and it was like wow did that just come from me. but i felt it was true. the statement. and it just kinda floated through my head at the time and in a moment of i dont know what im saying it came out and darn if linda didnt write it down. i dont know how to explain the statement . not really.  ive been thinking about it off and on though.  i forget it and then remember it.  but i still havent worked out an explaination for it. and i want to be able to explain it.  i need to explain it.  and right now when i think about it ..im thinking about my supervisor at the time or have thought about her recently for the thoguht to come out...because with her i am wanting to pull all sorts of things from her..love ..caring..support..i want her to be able to support me all the time..every day. i want to be able to be with her and have her keep me and love me and never ever let me go. i want her to make me a part of her life for ever...but in all of my demands on her what is she getting from me?  what am i giving her ? how am i doing anything for her?  i dont think i am..i truly dont.  but still i want her undivided attention..i want her to be with me all the time. i want to talk to her. to be around her. i just need to know that she is near.. like holy cow this woman as become so much more than my supervisor and im not even sure she knows it.  and i cant tell her for fear that one she will tell me im crazy (ok she prolly wont say that) but yeah .. it would raise a few questions..and if icant keep myself under control how in the world will i be able to work for her?  but back to the original delima this relationship is awfully one sided and im afraid thats how i like it..or thats how i want it.  i dont know how to give anything back to someone else..i dont want anyone wanting anything from me.  im not i am able to fully love another person. i dont trust myself enough to fully be anything for another person.  i hold myself back from it.  i care about people. i like people. i even hate some people.  but its all with a detachness like there is something between me and them that i can never ever cross. i wonder if it is my fear of being hurt. of not being enough for someone else. i dont know that part of it.  but the whole thing makes me feel like a leech..like im just going to suck the life out of the people who support me because i dont know how to deal with it..i dont know how to balance it out and so i want all of it and then it becomes more overwhelming than anything else..like i am overwhelming myself..my desire to be with my supervisor drives out my good sense for anything else.  heck ive spent the past 4 days fighting with myself about sending my supervisor a message just to say hi. well i wanted to talk to her but i didnt know what to say..and today i sent her a message asking a simple but convaluted question about happiness and whether or not things get better..and then hours later she sends me a message and i of course freak out about what her response may or may not be before i even open the message.  and it takes me a little while to calm down and open it..and the response was more than i hoped..but it just left me wanting so much more from her... something in me is just broken and i am unable to keep a constant flow of positive energy or something..and so im looking at my supervisor to constantly give me what it is that i am missing..and maybe im just not able to describe this right at all.. something is missing and i know im looking for my supervisor to replace whatever it is i dont have..but im not sure what is missing..my need for comfort is strong..and being around mommy makes it even stronger because around mommy i force myself to need nothing...around my supervisor nothing is enough and i want more from her..my supervisor in her quest to destroy me and told me that she wouldnt give me any hugs if i ask for them..told me that i need to figure out what it is that i get from them..and i keep telling her that they make me feel better..which in turn leads her to ask me why...i dont know why. i just want comfort and she gives me comfort..and i feel almost like i can be myself (whoever that is) around her and she wont laugh at me or pick or me or anything.  she is stable where as im broken .. i want to trust her to put me back together..to heal my hurts and make me understand..her hugs is give me a safe and cared for feeling that i dont get from anyone else. i mean i dont allow many people to touch me anyway..but i feel safe in her hugs..like i can let down my walls for just a little while and accept her comforting and caring..it is so hard for me to let down my walls with anyone..for fear of losing control..but with her i dont have to worry as much.  i know that if i am with her for a little while i am truly safe and nothing can hurt me..heck i cant even hurt me when im with her.  i dont want to be hurt anymore..i dont want the fear of being hurt rule me anyone..

what is it that i want from her ?
i want her to love me ...
why?
because no one else does...

even writing this all wakes up my thoughts about the unfairness of this all..and my need tot alk to her intensifies..heck my need to talk to anyone right now is really strong..but once again i dont know who to talk too..and my thoughts go back and forth and all over the place..and i am just getting so frustrated and upset about it all..because what i want seems so simple and easy and yet i cant have it. i just want her to love me thats it. and she cant.  i dont love myself and no one else loves me. which leaves me to wonder why am i even here? whats the point? im pretty sure my supervisor would not be pleased to learn that my obsessions with her leads to all manners of not so good thinking..and its not her fault..it isnt..its me and once again my inability to manage my needs and wants and all of that in a healthy way.

i understand that my dependence on my supervisor is truly bordering on being just a little unhealthy and slightly obsessive..i know that my thinking on the situation is completely irrational and will not happen no matter how much i might want it to.  yes the stubborn child in me is demanding to have her needs met and will not except anything besides yes as an answer..objectively i can look at all of this and know that it is not possible and that if i cant gain control of my thoughts then i will cause something not so great to happen like losing my job.  but my stubborn child keeps winning out..my need to be safe and comforted is wining out.  thankfully my supervisor and linda and being completely logical in all of this mess that i seem to be creating..and between the two of them i am kept from going completely over the edge..but it is a pretty fine line that i am walking..and given i am able to talk to linda about it thankfully and am talking to her. really i am..because well i cant take all of my concerns to my supervisor when the concerns are about her..and i need to talk about them or else i will just drive myself crazier..

and i need to stop writing because im quickly losing the battle to keep myself completely safe.. maybe ill be able to add more tomorrow

unfair

the world is unfair..you know that.. the world..life..everything is just so unfair...

ive been watching for colored girls yet again and i am feeling super jaded right now.  i know its a movie i do.  but the sad part is that the subject matter is so very true and that is the part that is unfair.

its not fair that children die..that children are hurt.  that women are raped in their own homes..its not fair that parents can do horrible unspeakable things because they are parents ..i dont understand the need to hurt another person..i dont understand why people are hurt young and grow up and still have to deal with all the hurt..so many kids are growing up broken..and they are expected to live in a world that they do not understand..a world that has never made sense to them..they are expected to be the normal mindless members of society but how is that possible..when they live lives full of distrust..of hatred..of self loathing..how is it possible to ever fit into a world that never made sense in the first place?  and then when they are unable to fit in the world calls them crazy..the world locks them up and medicates them until they no longer have to feel anything..maybe that oblivion is better..i dont know.  it makes me sad..it makes me hurt..to know that i can write these words and know that more than anything else they come from inside of me.  they speak of fear and pain and loneliness that no one can understand.  it does feel like i am fighting this battle that i can not win. i dont want to get trying but i dont know how to give up completely.  no matter how much i want to emptiness..the oblivion.. i am still here.  im still waiting for all of this to make sense to me.  t asks me to work on staying present..or living each day in the present.  why do i want the present?  Reality has never given me anything but sadness and hurt.  :(