lightness aside....sigh

today was hard...worked this morning a little bit and it was a waste of time...big time...then my computer flipped out on me and i freaked..like to the point of cutting freaked...i napped...i tried everything i could think of to fix it and nothing worked..and finally my mom called and i told her what was wrong..and as much as i didnt want to ..i borrowed the money from her to get a new charger for my computer ugh...i was so overwhelemd and upset and freaking out...i found my razors..i know where they are at..and i wanted them..i did..sigh

gosh how long has it been ?!?! only a little over 2 months..it feels like so much longer...and this is moving into a time where things are harder todeal with..i am harder to deal with..the holidays...ugh..going home...crap

im going home this upcoming weekend..and im afraid that in the time frame of this week that i wont be able to keep myself safe...that going home gets to me so so much that i just cant control myself..

i didnt want to give in today..and i was to the point of crying i was so upset...still havent done my work but whatever on that one...but i didnt cut

currently watching a fav movie and that has uplifted my mood big time...ill prolly be sleep soon..and then to wake up early in the morning and work on notes before work...joy...another monday ..

right now i just want to make it to tues..and wed...i really really think wed is winning out though..cas i see kathy :)  that makes me happier than anything..thinking about it makes me smile like an idiot..i just want to be with her..thats all i want..

ode to the greatest movie ever !!!

the lion king :) :) :)
 Love 
Love 
Love The Lion King 

Ive seen all the movies, and know ALL the words to the first one 

Ive seen the Broadway show actually on Broadway!!! and ive seen the traveling on in Richmond and Raleigh

and my goal for 2013 is to see it in Charlotte NC 

Whoop Whoop :)  

a bit of to much thinking

im feeling very sad right now...wondering about how different my life could have been without the past getting in the way..if the past hadnt happened or been different...would i be happier now?  would i be better at dealing with life?  would i want to be alive?  it sso confusing..wanting so much..wanting to do adult things but fear stops me...im afraid of myself..im afraid of everyone else..im afraid of the unknown..and i cant take that step..im to broken to have a normal relationship..not a physical one or and emotional one..i dont think i have it in me to do that..to be able to deal with that..yet i want it more than anything..i want to be held and loved and touched without fear..without wondering what i may or may not be made to do..i dont want to be forced again..ever..but im not sure i can ever give consistent .. i was robbed of that ability so very long ago...and now i have all of these feelings and wants that scare me..things that involve being in  a relationship..and i cant even deal with thinking about it..i cant see someone else in my bed..i cant see someone else touching me...it is to scary..im afraid that i will be hurt ..that i wont be able to responded..that there is nothing inside of me capable of being loved..and so i feel jealous and hurt when i see families..happy families.when i see women with there children..or being around pregnant women...so so jealous...because they are getting to have a baby..they are getting to be loved and cared for and all of that stuff..and me..i just watch from the sidelines..waiting ..i just dont know for what...its not fair..and it makes me feel like such an outsider...

busy week

well im finally taking time to write ..i have a headache currently and am waiting for the meds to kick in..cas i reallyy do want to go back to sleep...i think today is gonna turn into a bed day..im not sure yet..the weather is pretty gloomy today is its an inside day..

i gave up and turned my cable and internet back on lol...didnt even last 48 hours before i gave in...sad i know..but my world..a large part of it is online..and so yeah..to save my sanity..i turned it back on :)

hmm i am feeling ok..still a bit sad at times but a lot calmer from tuesday..where i came home and slept for about 12 hours because i couldnt deal...ive been really busy with work in addition to my miini breakdown..cas the world or my daily expectations doesnt seem to stop even if i am having a hard time..its rather unfair...but it helped with allowing me to focus on other stuff and get out of my head..and so i had to get up and leave the house on wed...and so my pity party had to stop..and so somehow i have managed to maintain some sort of sanity for the rest of the week..and yesterday i think my mood was pretty darn chipper to do so darn busy..i crammed seeing 4 ppl into about 6 hours...i was speeding a bit yesterday lol..and in my boredom i completely called courtney (my med doc) just to say hi..well i left her a message and she called me back like less than 2 hours later ...i think i surprised the heck out of her when i told her that lol..but we chatted for a little bit and i updated her on some stuff..and told her about my concerns with my t leaving for like 3 weeks..and my med doc said i could schedule to come and talk to her if i needed to while my t was gone..which i am very happy about .. but im hoping it will be calmer weeks..but i dont know..cas not my head is full of trips and things i need to get done and bills and trying to work as much as i can due to leaving for a whole week...essh...its gonna bite..but things are just gonna have to manage somehow..and the other sucky bit is that i do have some car issues going on ..which makes me just want to scream in frustration..now in addition to needing a whole new door and bumper..i need new tires..and the tire thing really shouldnt surprise me ..considering how much i drive..but having it pointed out freaked me out..cas yeah bad tires lead to flat tires and that bothers me a lot..so gotta figure out all of that too...but i can only do one thing at a time...essh

and well i am looking forward to seeing kathy next week...im trying to rein in my thoughts and feelings relating to her..but i cant help it..crap i want to do everything but move in with her ..which is highly embrassing really..i mean im an adult but around her i literally turn into a child and i want her approval and love and care and support..and all of it..i want to sit next to her and get lots of hugs from her and just be with her...embarrassing right >??!  again i am an adult..and my feelings about her get so confusing and sad and hurt and happy and excited all at the same time..but i cant let go of the excitement of seeing her..i really cant..

so thats aboout all thats going on i guess...its now three weeks to my trip...three weeks to freedom for a whole week..complete and utter freedom for one week..

oh i did mention to my director that the coming months are harder for me to deal with...and so she mentioned me making a plan to help get through it...so yeah..but i did mention it...so thats all i could do on that part...hopefully my t will be in town throughout the holidays...gosh i hope so..

To believe that we can and must hide the parts of us that are broken, out of fear that others are incapable of loving the parts of us that we cannot love ourselves, is to believe that sunshine is incapable of entering a broken window and warming an empty room. — Sandra Kring

not going to die

yesterday left me feeling incredibly broken and scared..i guess i didnt know how to deal so instead i just slept..from 2pm to 5am..all i did was sleep and wake up and go back to sleep..i couldnt do anything..my thoughts were so scattered and the need to punish was strong...so for ssafetys sake i stayed in bed..and only  got up for the bathroom and to feed the cats...other than that i slept..i couldnt process..or even think about what i talked about in therapy..it was bad ..it was hard..it was things i shouldnt have said..and so this morning i woke up and was feeling bad still..i didnt want to do anything. i wanted to hide..stay in bed..not have to deal with anything at all...and i would have stayed in bed all day had a client not called me..i had already cancelled with one but the one that called actually had something that was planned..so i had to drag myself out of bed..and i wasnt the most talkative but i saww hher and got her stuff done..and then even though again i just wanted to go home instead i went to the office..where i alternated between just sitting and staring out the window and looking up random things online..to doing paperwork ever so slowly..and i did have my supervision today and that took an hour all by itsself to talk about all of my clients and there issues and what not..and i think i needed that too..but in the office i wasnt alone..i was sorta hiding in the corner office..but i wasnt alone in the office..i was safe in the office..and so that allowed me to calm down and get work done and stop focusing on the upset feelings inside..getting out stopped me from dwelling on the negative stuff..and i know that i really need to see my therapist next week...really really need to see her..but i am moving back to stable ground...im still feeling pretty sad and quiet..but i am not going to kill myself..and im not going to cut..im going to be ok i think...just gotta take it a day at a time for now..and focus on other things...

so for now i am thinking and focusing on my lunch meeting with my old supervisor..who i havent seen in forever and i have missed her so so much..and i do call her every so often..but its not the same as seeing her in the office all the time..and so having all of her attention for prolly more than an hour is like the most awesome thing ever...plus she said that i could get as many hugs as i wanted..which i completely plan to take her up on lol..hugs from her are super super good and safe..and i missed ..and in my head i have once again attached myself to her side...like litterally if i could get away with sitting next to her i would..but i know that wouldnt be acceptable..and so ill have to siit across from her and be ok with getting hugs and thats all..i have to remind myself that she is not my parent and cant be my parent...i know that i do..but knowing i will see her..and be near her and just talk to her makes me feel super excited..but again in my head things are so much more..so much bigger...in my head i am already gone with her and safe for forever..-sigh-  that does make it hard because i know it cant happen like that..and i have to keep myself in check..but its so hard :( and the little kids in my scream to be loved and noticed and wanted and ugh...its just hard..its good and not good all at the same time..but the good is going to outweigh the bad...cas seeing her is calming all by itself..just being with her for a little bit of time will have to be enough for now...

so yes...going to have to be really careful the next few days...and try not to stress out..i have two things to look forward too..and so i need to just focus on that...seeing my supervisor and going on my trip..dear gosh i need that trip..i need a break..a real honest to goodness break...

.......

i just dont care today.

thats it

i dont care about work
i dont care about anyone
i dont care about anything

i just want to sleep.
i want to stop thinking
and pretend that the world is not an awful place

i dont want to see anyone
i dont want to talk to anyone
i dont want to be around anyone

i want to be left alone.
i want to be invisible
i want to be gone

i know this is the aftermath of yesterdays session
i completely get that
but unfortunately the ability to bounce back is not there this time
its going to take some time to come to terms with all that was said
all that was not said
all that is now remembered

the logic that i am going home in less than two weeks does not escape me
i didnt realize it was so soon
i thought i had more time
i put it off as long as i could

my head hurts
my body hurts
my heart hurts
im tired
very very tired

not so great...

therapy was very hard today..i feel broken..i feel the need to punish. but i also feel empty and just hopeless..i said to much once aagain..and it was almost an hour of talking about mommy and so my thoughts are so scattered and wrong and not ok..i did try to work but no one was at the office because i didnt want to come home..but i ended up at home anyway..and pretty much just ate something and went to sleep..4 or 5 hours ago. i dont know. i dont remember..im trying to wake up but i feel so sad..so tured..my feelings of needing a parent are extreme right now..prolly cas im feeling so scared and vulnerable right now..and i feel asleep thinking about kathy and e;der d..i want them..they made me feel safe and cared for for just little bits of time..i realize suddenly that i am going home..i until today i had never really talked about how hard it is for me to go home..i never told anyone that going home makes me feel suicidal..i just want to lay down and forget that the world exisits..i just want to close my eyes and go to sleep and not have to deal with anything else anymore..im tired..tired of thinking..titred of feeling..tiired of wanting what i am unable to have..

not happy..

this whole being a girl thing can just bite me

ugh 

I dont like it 
idont feel good 
and i most certainly 
DO NOT FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH PEOPLE TODAY

crud

Holding on to Hope

On september 10th, i was able to take part in a training to become a peer specialist.  I learned how to use my own past experiences to give hope and support to others who are struggling.  there were a lot of different topics addressed in the training, but the one that made the most sense to me was when we discussed how sometimes it is important to hang on to hope for someone else until they are strong enough to hold it for themselves.

In my past I have struggled often with feeling worthless, not needed, a failure. These thoughts went through my head on a daily basis.  No one could tell me anything differently.  The more anyone tried to tell me anything positive about myself the more i pushed against believing them.  I believed they were lying to me, that they were just trying to hurt me.  Growing up I learned to believe what I was told by family members, and I was told that I was worthless, I believed it, I owned it. Only when I left home did I enter into a completely different world that was foreign to me.  I did not understand the good anyone say in me.  I did not understand why anyone would spend time trying to talk to me, trying to give me hope, trying to keep me alive for another day.  I knew how easily the negative thoughts could overtake me, and they did.  I lived in a world of my own making because I did not trust anyone else.  I started therapy and didnt do the work.  I graduated from college still stuggling to find my self worth, and struggling to find peace within myself.  I got a job working with children, teaching them self esteen and how to look at the small accomplishments as major steps, but still I struggled to understand why anyone would listen to me. My self esteem and self worth was very low but still I preferred to offer support and a listening ear to those who needed it.  If I couldnt help myself then maybe I could help someone else.

This summer I was struggling a lot with suicidal ideation, I got to the point of where I thought I needed to be in the hospital because I could see no other way out.  I gave up, and I told my therapist, I told my friends, I told my doctors that I couldnt do it anymore. That living was to hard to deal with and that i did not know how to help myself anymore.  Instead of being put into the hospital and forgotten my doctors and therapists and friends rallied around me and held on to the hope for me.  They believed I would get past this, that I would be able to keep going, that I would make it to the other side and be stronger becaue of it.  I asked them why. I asked why they cared so much, why they put so much effort into just trying to keep me alive.  I was told numerous times that at any time I could have given up, I could have commited suicide but instead i reached out and asked for help.  I was told that they believed in me even though at the time I was unable to believe in myself.  I was told that they were holding on to my hope for me until i was strong enough to hold it and allow it grow myself.  In my darkest times I could remember that I did have people who cared about me. I had people who wanted to help me, and did all they could to help me when i needed it.  I am still alive today because they believed in me, they gave me hope that the pain would not last forever and that now was not the time to give up.  I may not have believed it, but they did and that was enough.  I got through my hard times, and continue to go back and forth with my support system when i am feeling hopeless and alone.  They step in and continue to hold onto hope for me until I can take it back again.

I never realized how important it was to believe in someone else until I in turn had to help someone who was suicidal.  Suddenly I was placed in the role of providing hope and support and unyielding belief that they would make it through this.  Other steps and plans were put in place to also help, but when it was all over with, the person came and thanked me for believing in them when no one else was did.  They thanked me for giving them hope when everything seemed dark and hopeless. That is when i realized just how important it is to relate to another persons struggles, to listen, to care, to believe that they will get through this moment, this hard time.  My hope was held and taken care of for me when I was to tired to carry it.  Now I am able to hold on to others hope until they reach a place where they can carry it on there own.  There is no shame in asking for help, and support. There are people who will understand, and care enough to give you enough hope to make it through whatever you are dealing with.  They are the ones that keep your personal hope safe until you have the strength to pick it back up and carry it for yourself.

I am more than my mental illness

I have been bounced in and out of therapy for the past 12 or 13 years. I have been told that I am to difficult, that I dont try.  I am given medication and have to deal with the side effects and multiple changes and looking for the right combination to stop the negative thoughts. I am labeled. My mental health treatments follow me with each therapist I go to.  My difficulites, my progress or lack there of is just laid out for the next therapist to see. Im a difficult client, I dont listen, I dont try.  I am depressed, I am a self harmer, I am silent about a lot of things.  The doctors and therapist label me before they know me. I label myself before I go to them based on what I have been told, based on what i have heard. I am able to hide behind the labels, I am able to find comfort within the various labels, while at the same time hating that I am different.  I have trouble deciding if I am normal or not.  I dont fit in but then add on a few mental problems and I just become a walking statistic. I am looked at differently, I am talked about, talked down to because there is something wrong with me. No one saw the problem with this.  I did not see the problem or understand what I was doing  and allowing to happen to myself.

My illnesses became my comfort zone. I am comfortable being called depressed because that gives me a reason to say i cant do anything because i cant get out of bed. It makes it a little more acceptable to have the suicidal thoughts because that is what depressed people do.  Who cares if I hide in my house, if I never speak to anyone?  My depression stops me form engaging with others and it becomes an excuse, a hinderance.

For years I have moved through the mental health system, I have seen the doctors, the therapist, the pyschiatrists. I have been passed along from one place to another, started over and expected to work with numerous people that i do not know. I have been told that some are not comfortable working with my particular illness, I have been misunderstood within my labels. I have been hurt by my labels but still I preferred the labels over the idea of claiming my life and myself.  I was comfortable being seen as 'sick', I wanted someone to pay attention to me, without hurting me.

Lately it is bothering me more that I am only seen by my labels both by myself and others in the mental health field that i interact with.  I am the good patient, I go to my appointments, i take my medicine, i talk to the therapist, i admit my feelings and hope that I am not put in the hospital because I am unstable. Yet, I work, I live on my own, I have my own life, I have expectations, needs, and wants just like anyone else.  My mental illness did get in the way of my life, it has gotten in the way of my life but I am noticing it now.  The difference is that now I am learning to work through the depression, to work through the urges to self harm.  I am learning how to relax and ask for help.  I am a person living with mental illness.  The illness does not control me.  The illness does not label who i am or what I can accomplish.  I wont allow anyone else to label me, but at the same time I have to learn not to label myself. I have behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that i deal with on a daily basis.  Yes, some days it is hard to get out of bed, hard to face the world.  My illness does not have such a tight grip on me these days, and I am learning to move past what others may look down on me for.  I am more than my mental illness, I am a person, I have friends who understand my struggles but they do not label me.  They do not make me different.  There is no me and them, there is just us. That is all there needs to be.

yuck

im feeling antsy...on edge...having a difficult time figuring out what it is that i want to do..i dont know what to think..i dont know how to feel..am i ok? am i not ok? what is wrong? ugh..just struggling right now..and feeling sick..

yep ...gonna need a bigger suitcase!

In less than a month I will be heading to cancun.  Now that my birthday is over and done with the nervousness and fears about this is setting in. ugh.  im suddenly terrified.  Im scared to fly, Im scared to be out of the country. Im scared ill do something stupid.  I realize watching shows like locked up abroad is not a good idea anymore lol..crap crap crap..suddenly its like im checking and rechecking everything. what to pack. what will i need..meds, money, ugh all of it is suddenly incredibly important..and i know that i will have to try my darnest to calm down and deal..but for now my anxiety and fears are running rampant..i should be thrilled to be going you know..its a trip without family..a trip just for me and yvonne..to chill and relax and do whatever and have fun..and im scared?!! talk about walking head first into the unknown!!! ugh..i mean at this point im going..everything is paid for. i have my plane ticket. ive already told my brother that ill be coming and that he will be taking me to the airport. but now its ALL im thinking about..traveling..what is gonna happen..will it be fun..ok deep breaths..i need to calm down before i spazz out and im not even close to my trip being here !!

my clients are having there freak out moments and asking me a million questions about when im leaving..ive reassured them and myself that i am coming back..that its only a week..that its a vacation..my phone will be off..but im sure lil be dropping in on facebook and stuff..maybe not...maybe for just one week i will be utterly focused on myself and that is it..thats all there is to it...

this is for me..no one else you know...so much of my time is spent doing things for other people..and just this once..i want to have fun and not worry and just have a good time...

and yes rynbow will be coming along for the trip.  and yes i am sooooo gonna need a bigger suitcase..the one i bought just isnt gonna cover it lol...

ok some of the anxiety is chilled..deep breaths...gotta remember..this is for fun..this is not for work..this is not for family..this is for me..and well yvonne lol..but now its like down to the last few weeks..and i have to pack and organize and figure out what in the heck im taking and then refigure out what im taking cas ill try to take all of my clothes because i can never make up my mind...so it will take me a few tries to get stuff packed out put away..and planned out....

OMG this is really happening!!

first cancun 
then the world 
lol

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me :) 

29 birthdays..who knew !! 

and Happy Birthday to my twin sister 

Nicole Legree, (Gone but not Forgotten)!

bite me

i am angry..ok ive said it..ive been angry for most of the day and it just keeps building and building and i just want to be left alone and i feel alone and for the first time in almost  amonth or so i want to cut..i want to ohurt..im just so frustrated and mad and upst and i want to yell and scream and throw things and be pissed off at the world..but instead i just over medicated in hopes of sleep..to stop the urge to destory myself..thats a;; i am is a f ailure..nothing else is there for me..ill never stop so there is really no point in trying. i want to be left alone..i dont want to be near anyone right now..i dont want to talk to anyone or hear anything..i just want silence..i want an escape..i want something to make the feelings just go away...dear god i hope the meds kick in soon..i really really do

i guess i need to write...

i think its been a little while since ive actually written and cleared my head out...i have been feeling a bit quiet and things have been pretty busy with the workshop last week and work this week..and trying to stay calm and removed about the birthday..im nervous though..really nervous about friday and what to do to keep myself busy and not stay in bed all day..already i am feeling the sadness creep in and im trying to fight it. i am.

there is a lot in my head and it does confuse me right now...it makes me tired but at the same time my days have become more stable..i am more stable...im not feeling as if im going to like walk off into the deep end at any moment.  im scared that it will happen again..but for now im trying to stay in the present and not stress about the future where i dont know what is going to happen..

i dont know..maybe i will babysit this weekend...but well i really think i want to be by myself..which is the problem..me being by myself..crap..i dont know what to do..and im no longer sure i even want to write this anymore...

birthdays are depressing...and being alone makes it more depressing..and im considering just forcing myself to go out and do something you know..or get a little cake or something..but i dont know..real possibility of going to build a bear...and maybe if i am by myself i can pick up dinner and have a little mini party and just try to have a good day...thats the plan anyway..

birthday plans ...

no idea what to do for my birthday which is on friday..the upcoming one..

no ideas at all.

i am  going on a big trip in oct..and i dont have a lot of friends or anything for celebrating here or what not..and if we take out the kids i babysit occasionally..it will be us paying for them..and i dont want to really do that either..i mean i do like being with them..but sometimes its just a pain always having to pay for them cas their mom doesnt have the money you know..not that we have a lot of money or anything...

just dont know what to do really.  ..but there is just something incredibly depressing about having a birthday party by ourselves :(  i dont know..

just dont know what to do..i want it to be a good birthday you know..but no real idea on how to make it happen ...

the actual birthday is always sadder than the days leading up to it...blah
\

sucky

not being able to sleep does suck royally...ugh ..well not being able to stay asleep

i should have realized this one sooner...

i tend to forget that in the effort to stop the self harm..something else comes up to take its place...be it not taking my meds right..not feeling good and not taking meds on purpose to allow myself to suffer..and then there is the old stand by of just eating and throwing up..which i am super ashamed to even admit..i dont want to say the thoughts are in mmy head..i dont want to be scared that im going to fall back into my old habits.and ill admit i was good at it..the whole restricting. binging, purging, i could do it with out thinking..i counted calories..i weighed myself ridiculous amounts of time every day..all i thought about was food and why i couldnt have it..i compared myself to everyone around me..i wanted to be pretty and that meant being skinny..i wanted to fit in and be included.but no i never managed too...and so i would lose a few pounds..go a couple weeks with a very strict diet..and then move into overeating and throwing up until it hurt to breathe..it hurt to laugh..it hurt to do anything...its hard forcing yourself to throw up..and yeah i learned all the tricks a long time ago.whats good whats not.what helps what doesnt..but none of it makes it ok..because in the end its still a form of self harm...how can i say ive stopped when ive just traded what im doing ... i hide the eating issues more..i am ashamed that i have so many issues with food...im ashamed that i am even thinking that i can do this..and right now the driving force is my upcoming vacation..and wanting to look good and all of that...and being deathly afraid of being on the plane and not fitting in the seat or something..yeah super ashamed of that one too...but the fear is there..and so it started off fairly slowly and is going down hill pretty quickly..well no not quickly because i am still eating..but then its harder to ignore food on the weekends when im just in the house...during the week when im out and about it is a bit easier to ignore food and not eat...and with the workshop this week..lunch and all of that is provided and so me being the picky person that i am..may or may not eat anyway...oh i dont know.. i know better..i do..like i could hit myself in the head for doing this mess on purpose..its like why do it ? why make yourself sick? why try to go after some stupid goal that was created years ago and is probably unachievable anyway.. back then i didnt care andn wanted to die...now im not so sure..i dont want to die..sometimes it gets mixed up in my head and i dont know if i want to die or just hurt..but i want to stop hurting..and i cant .. i try and i fail..over and over again i fail and its like fine i give up..do whatever as long as i stay alive...and not eating isnt going to kill me..not in the short term..the same with b/p..but the b/p hurts..i will admit that..it hurts..but i welcome the pain on some level...and i write all of this..and can make sense of the whole mess..and know that i am beginning to make bad bad choices..but not really acknowledging the consequences...and its like ok lets just see what happens..because no i wont stop eating..that would be stupid...but what i eat will change drastically over the next week or so...haha could almost consider going the vegetarian route again..but nah..and still i write all that knowing i have dinner in the fridge.left overs really..and that i havent eaten for hours and my head hurts..but still i just lay here..waiting ...for what i dont know..i really dont ..

-sigh-

 i am feeling pretty sad right now...unsure of everything and just feeling down..i realize that i have been hiding this weekend and i dont know why..i just stayed inside and continually talked myself out of going out ..knowing good and well that i need to go to the store to get some stuff..but no instead i just didnt do much of anything today..some work but not even a lot of that..im a loser..i cant manage to do anything at all..and i dont think i slept to good last night..everything is stupid..everything is bothering me ..i want to be  left alone but at the same time i know thats not a good idea..and im trying to fight the urge to cut..i keep trying to remember if i even actually  still have razors or will i have to break apart a shaver thingy..and so i keep myself trapped in one spot because then i know that i cant do anything if i dont get up..but i dont know...just in a sucky mood today..and its prolly a mix of a lot of things..meds, life, workshop tomorrow has me pretty nervous..getting my work done...everything and nothing ... just maybe dont talk to me ok..  im not in the mood..

not to mention that my crazy eating issues are springing back up...this whole surviving thing takes a lot of work..it really does ...

crap

im scared...now im really scared about the trip and traveling and flying and ugh...ive never been out of the country..what in the world am i scared of ..ugh..i think its just nerves though..like its completely unbelieveable that its actually going to happen..wow

so i did a very scary or brave thing....im not sure which yet

so im going on vacation in a few weeks..towards the end of oct..to cancun..and i am determined to have a good time. i am..

and so i did something that i truly have not done a long long time.  i bought two new bathing suits that i have every intention of wearing...the scary part is that if i wear them without anything over them..then my scars will be there for the world to see ... the thing is i want to have fun and be comfortable and not care you know...none of these people will know me..and they are just scars..that could have come from anything..and i have other sleevless thinggs that i want to take and wear and be comfortable in..but again the fear of showing my arms and legs scare me..what am i thinking??

but i know what ive been thinking..ive been thinking that ive been hiding to long..that i am not accepting myself if i am afraid to be myself and show who i am...i am not my scars and i need to remember that..no one else controls me but me...and i cant control other people or what they say but i can ignore it..and let it go..and t ry not to dwell on it...no im not gonna like start wearing all sleeveless things and walk around in things that do not hide my scars...but slowly i am beginning to wear things that do not completely hide my scars...

hiding them doesnt make them go away...pretending they arent there doesnt make them go away..the fact that i trried on both bathing suits and actually took pictures of myself in them is a hugee huge step...

i am learning incredibly slowly to accept myself ... im not there yet but im better than i was before...a lot better...

extreme motivation...

so i had a med change..that started yesterday and really it only was from the generic to the brand name..of welbutrion..and so i took it last night..and this morning ..and after sleeping off and on for a ridiculous amount of hours .. i finally felt like getting up..like i was actually tired of laying down.and felt like i had been laying down for forever..and so i got up and actually started cleaning!!!  this is a big big deal...i havent felt like doing anything for months..and today all of a sudden i got up and cleaned and started laundry...taking a break now cas im getting a headache ..but i plan on cooking dinner tonight..and finishing the dishes..and the bathroom..if nothing else..and maybe tomorrow ill tackle the massive amount of laundry that needs to be done..and put away..maybe i can actually get stuff done now...i actually want to get stuff done now...my planning is going a mile a minute in my head..there is so much i want to do all of a sudden..and theres just not enough time..ugh...its sorta a restless energy type thing...like just me sitting down and watching a movie right now..makes me feel twitchy ..like i just need to get up and keep moving or something...its so weird..and im sure it will calm down..heck im sorta hoping it will calm down..but for the first time in weeks im actually sitting in my living room and not laying down in bed...yep..a big big deal...

i dont know what to say..

how come things cant just stay ok?  why do they have to still hurt and surprise and leave me confused and feeling way to many things at once.

i was just getting sued to the idea of not going to church anymore..not seeing anyone from church..it was as if the door on that part of my life had slammed shut..and i was trying to deal with it..but no yesterday for no good reason at all..i decided to stop at the subway by my house to grab dinner..because i was tired and worn out and all out of energy from work..and it was just like ok subway for dinner cas that is better than fast food...and who do i run into but someone from church..which then turns into running into a whole  group of woman from church..and they all asked where ive been and what ive been up to and why i havent been at church..and i even talked to lady yesterday for a little bit..and just being there around them was all it took for the yearning and want to come back up and overwhelm me..i realized that i missed them..that i wanted to be with them..that i wanted to be with elder d for forever and wanted her to keep me..all the old thoughts that i thought  i had been able to let go of came crashing back..and i dont know what to do...i know im not comfortable in that church..more than just what was said to me..but because i dont agree with what is being preached...but would i ignore all of that to get my measly needs met?  would i really agree to set myself up to be hurt again..all the thoughts and promises are swimming in my head..i promise to be good. i promise to do what ever i need to if it means i can go back to the people i want...:(  but i know thats not good.  that its not fair to myself at all..but i dont care..my overwhelming desire for care and love outweighs my good sense and i dont know why i should fight it..i want her. i want them.. i want the comfort.  the hugs..i just want something that i am not currently getting..physical touch..without harm of course..and in the confusion and major amounts of lost feelings i just want comfort and love..and without i can feel myself wanting to pull away from everyone..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i dont want to talk to anyone or be near anyone at all. i want to hide from all of it..i want to get away from all of it..i dont want to have to think or talk or be out in the world today at all :(  going to try to make this an early day..im not sure what i can deal with today. .

i just want to go back to sleep...forced myself to sleep last night..and without meds...i know its an escape but i dont know what else to do..and im afraid that ill cry at any moment ..so i dont know..

im not sure what to say

feeling a little bit down this morning...but still mostly ok...just a lil down..

i dont know what it is that i want to write about but  i know that something is beginning to bother me..

i cut it pretty darn close this week with my paycheck..and so things are slim pickings extreme..until my next pay check..blah...trying not to over draw my account but well this time it may happen...

gotta finish paying bills neext week..after i get paid again..and then put money away for the trip..and i need to hunt down my clients today..so that my check wont suck next month..ugh..

but i did pay my rent and my car note..so that was good..the late charges for my rent is like an extra 150 or something...craziness ...

and i really am wondering about whether or not ill be moving next year..i dont know what to do about that...i want to find a cheaper place...but i like where im at..ugh...i dont know..

just rambling a bit..

Affirmation Tree...thought this was pretty cool

did i really do good ?

i had therapy today.and i actually talked to her about how hard of a time i had last week after therapy..and feeling like i had said to much..and she listened to me and we talked about it ..and i guess at the bottom of it was my fear of her telling on me...i was afraid of getting trouble..and so we had to talk about it..and i did talk about it..i did a lot of listening today too..but that was ok..i guess i needed it explained to me..and she did explain it...but in her explaining she told me that i had done a good job last week..that i had actually taken care of myself..that i had reached out and asked for support and help instead of hurting myself..and that even though i still had a hard week that i had done what i needed to do to take care of myself..and that i was able to acknowledge that i did need to keep busy..that i did need to do things to help me stay safe..and its so hard to take it in and hear her honestly...because ive never considered that i am doing anything to help myself or take care of myself..but t pointed out that i did in fact take care of myself..that i did do what i needed to do..that i listened and followed my insight and helped myself..and wasnt depending on anyone else to help me .. it was me...and that is a foreign thought all by itsself

allow me to be self centered for a minute

you know i do sorta like taking pictures of myself..just for the heck of it :P


this is me and well thats all there is to it !

the medication debate...

in the past two years i think ive been put on more meds than i ever wanted to try..some helped..some didnt...ive gone cold turkey off of one of the worst anti depressants more than once..ugh..and i thought it was going to kill me...

currently im on
80ms prozac
350mg welbutrion sr
2 - 3mg clonazepan (klonidine)

those are my head meds anyway..and thankfully my pdoc listens to me..and i do mess with my meds sometimes to see if it helps or not..but i do let her know of the changes..and its been ok...im not stupid when it comes to meds..im not ..

ive also been on

lexapro
effexor xr
cymblata
celexa
trazodone

hmm think thats all

right now i think the combo that i am on is helping..i generally am feeling more ok than i have in the past..sometimes its what goes on in my life that drives the suicidal and depressing thoughts..but am trying ..well working harder to manage them...

but at some point next week ill be going to the brand name welbutrion..so will see how that goes...right now its all generic and i mean personal preference is the brand names for the head meds..but i cant afford them..so generic it is..but the welbutrion ill be getting through an assistance program so it will be brand name for now anyway..

but alas the meds i really want ..no one will give to me..darn it...that is sucky though..

acceptance, change, figuring out who i am ...

I thank whatever gods may be, for my unconquerable soul.  I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.  Nelson Mandela

you know this may be one of my most favorite of quotes.  every so often i think about it..and look it up just to read it..just to reflect .. gosh im such a nerd..

but you know i have been thinking a lot lately about myself and well therapy is helping with that too..and my need to come to grips with myself as i am..and not be on this unaptainable quest for perfection.  it doesnt exiist no matter what i want to force myself to believe.. there is just me..and thats all there is to it. 

the funny thing is that now ..i am living on my own..being an adult (sort of ), working on my own issues and what not..and only now at the age of 28 am i beginning the whole self exploration thing...suddenly i am trying out new looks..trying out different things..without worry or fear of being judged..(hmm ok the fear is still there but its a bit more manageable)..but suddenly i want to know who i am, and what i like and what it is that i want to do..im trying so hard to break the strings of attachment to mommy..i really am..and her opinion is becoming less and less of an influence..yeah its still there..but regardless of it, im still doing what im doing..because its not about her you know..its about me..and finally i am seeing that..and understanding that..i dont have to be forced to do anything at all..i have a choice..and it may have taken me until now to figure this out..but i am figuring it out..i am beginning to own my life..little bits and pieces at a time... i talked to my sister about it the other day actually and she agreed with me...and mentioned that she is sorta going through the same thing..all the stuff that we should have been able to do as teens and missed out on...we are now doing as adults..and i guess that prolly seems silly to some people..but for me..this is a big big BIG deal..this is going against everything that i am used to and trying to forge my own way and become my own self...

when did i realize that i had to finish growing up?  that i have to finish growing up. and i think that is where therapy comes in..because if i cant let go of the past i will just stay stuck..and i have been stuck for a very very very long time..and it is hard and tiring and it wears me out being stuck..being the 'me' that i am beliving i am supposed to be..it is a lot of work to maintain a facade that is not real..and yes it is my warped views of protection and life and pain and living that has gotten all mixed up and confused in my head...but it is also slowly getting straightened out...what is brought to the light of day can no longer be hidden from...i have done a lot of hiding..a lot of pretending..if i want my life to go anywhere..if i want to be able to do anything at all without fear..then i have to talk to my therapist..and be honest even if it kills me (an gosh darn it just might) but somehow i think it is time to clear my mind of a lot of the past hurts and pain..crap i have enough current hurts and pain to deal with..and mixing the two leads to nothing good..and so something has to give..i cant battle both the past and the present..its going to kill me if i keep doing that..trying to do that..

and writing this reminded me that i am supposed to be working on the mindfulness stuff..and i admit i had forgotten..but its the whole staying present..staying adult..being able to understand and know where i am at and what in the heck i am doing...its hard to explain how much i forget..and how much i struggle to stay present at times..and how much my thoughts can influence what i will and will not do...

but i am not a child anymore..i have not been a child for a very long time and its just that im the only one who hasnt figured this out yet. i still am searching and wanting a mom and talking about all of it with t lately..has me thinking and wondering more about that and maybe i do have some wires crossed in my brain...maybe i am struggling to understand what it is that i am needing and wanting..but someone has to get through all the confusion, lies, truths, pain, guilt, shame, hurts..someone has to get through all of it to find out what is left..to find out what is underneath it all...they have to get through all of that to find me..and as much as i like to think that i am right here..i am present..i am listening and hearing and seeing and living..a lot of the time im not..a lot of the time i am nowhere and everywhere..i am lost..but at least now...now i know that i have people who care enough to look for me.