2012 is coming to a close...hello 2013

well as 2012 is coming to a close i am feeling a bit reflective now that i am officially awake and well slightly coherant lol...

but i keep seeing all the resolutions and goals and hopes and what not for the new year and it makes me wonder about what it is that i want to even take out of this year?  what have i learned? what have i experienced?  what do i want to remember?? and why ?

it would be so so so easy to just focus on all the negatives..all the days where i just gave up and stayed in bed because i couldnt deal or couldnt manage to get out of bed..all the days of hurting and feeling sad, hopeless, useless...but those are the days and times that just run together..they become one big blur and all i can feel is the hurt...

but that is not what  i want to remember about 2012...i think i can honestly say that 2012 has been a year of self reflection...in a major way..i have grown..i have learned..i want to be able to remember the happy times..the laughter and smiles with my clients, traveling with yvonne, heck ill even take tasting the nasty dirt juice as a positive thing!  i want to remember the hugs..the care and support i got from friends and family..i learned who my friends are .. i want to remember coming down to New Orleans..I want to remember all the damn hard work ive done in therapy..i want to remember that there is good in the world and that things are not always just black and white...i want to remember that i am able to give myself a chance..im learning to accept where i am at and make changes about the past ... im learning that this is now and not the past..its not the future..it is now..and that worrying will not make time move any faster at all...i want to remember the kids i have met and worked with this year..not the ones that i have lost..i want to remember what happened that caused me...forced me to grow in ways that i never thought possible..I have stepped outside of my comfort zone on more than one occasion..i wore a bathing suit..i wore a sleeveless dress..i have asked for help..again and again and again..and the surprising thing is that..when i ask and am honest..i find that there are people there willing to help and support and love me..as i am..that is what i want to remember..

yes there were times this year when the hurt felt like it was just too much to handle and that left me wondering why and what was the point..but i am still year...years later i am still here..and about to enter into another new year..and it is not about making a new start..or having a clean slate..it is about just continuing to grow and learn and accept myself..to keep moving forward instead of backwards..to continue to learn and grow and find peace and happiness within myself...

i am me and that is all i can be..the new year will not change that..the new year will how ever make me understand that more, and be stronger for it. I will continue to find my voice and speak out loud..

so I am already to say goodbye to 2012...and I am ready and willing to welcome in 2013 with an open heart and open mind.

Peace and Love going into the new year

struggling

i dont know what to say..i dont ..i know i need to write..to get the thoughts out of my head but at the same time i feel i am shutting down and just trying to get through..i realize that i want to go home..that i have been gone for to long..a few days is ok..a full week and a half is not ok..i want to go home and all the thoughts and feelings from christmas have settled and grown...being forced to be near someone where most of the shaming things happened..and not wanting to face it..not wanting to think about it...realizing that again my sister is getting all the glory and attention i guess..and i am jealous..so very jealous and i hate that..i just feel left out..like ill never fit in no matter what i do...even being here at my friends house..its my sister and her husband who are being social and having a good time and i am just watching from the side lines..unable to really include myself because it is to much..becuase i am so used to the silence in my house that being around so many ppl..at once..is overwhelming me..and i couldnt deal yesterday..i was fine when it was just me and my friend..but then everyone else in the house woke up and i started shutting down..pulling in..needing to be alone and needing to find a quiet place..and i tried explaining to my sister but i dont think i did a good job with it..r friend is more understanding about my need to just kinda seperate and regroup at times..but its like im supposed to be having fun and instead i cant even manage to be around anyone..i cant be social or talk for a long amount of time because it is just to much to deal with..and im frustrated in myself because i want so much to be included and a part of something..and it is me that is pulling away..me wanting to hide..me me me so i feel like a failure..a failure at life for not being able to deal with even the smallest thing..took some of the stronger anxiety meds yesterday that well im not supposed to have..but it calmed me down..and ill most likely be taking another one today because of going to new orleans and knowing it will be crowded and full of people and as much as i want to go and look and see..im afraid...and scared...i want the safety of my home back..i want my cats..i want my quiet..i feel that this was just to much all at once..going from place to place to place..and being around other people constantly.without being able to really get away and have quiet without it being bed time ... i dont know..just struggling a bit and the sadness is winnnig out..and i just feel that i am messing up things for everyone else like my sister and her husband and my friend..i am failing at life.. and im sorry

xmas ramblings

12-25-2012

Merry Christmas…It is Christmas but I feel that I am lacking the merry part.  Maybe it is just that it is so early and im kinda just by myself for now.  Its like mommy was rushing me to get home..and then neither henry or wayne or nia was really here..Henry went out with friends and came back..but its like goodness its Christmas eve. What do you think im supposed to be  doing?? Is it not enough that I am here?  But when I felt my anxiety rising ..i went ahead and took the clonazapan..i hadn’t taken any that morning because I knew I would be driving..and that meds makes me drop off to sleep without even realizing im doing it…so I took it last night..and just did what I needed to do…this is one of those times where its like im 29..im no longer a child..why am I spending time at home?  I mean given it was Christmas eve..but its like everyone else had plans and im just kinda here..and that’s the way it always is..im just here and everyone else is moving around me..and I am noticed when they need something..i don’t know..not trying to be a downer..just this is how it is…and so I have a couple hours to dig up some happiness or something…to deal with being around family and then dinner later at my aunts house..which is a yearly thing..but because of the ages of everyone its like well theres me and my siblings..who are kinda the same age..then there are the much younger kids like 8. 10. And 3..and then its maybe one or two teens and then its just adults…what in the heck are we supposed to do?? Its boring..and so yeah I spend most of the night just hanging with nia and rob until it is time to leave..or until we have been there long enough that we can leave peacefully without and argument…just to come home and do what? So I plan to bring my kindle with me…so that I can get online a little bit while there..and prolly make phone calls with my phone will work to kinda wish ppl a merry Christmas…and then tomorrow ill be at dees for a few hours taking down her Christmas stuff for some extra money..and then finally heading up to nias and the part of vacation that I am actually looking forward too…even if it does mean major amounts of driving …I am looking forward to it..just to be in a place where I am comfortable and at ease and not afraid…at home I am still afraid..still worried…at home I feel the need to make sure I have myself under control at all times..i have to know where everyone is..i have to be quiet and listen..and yes I know this is the hyper vigilance kicking in..but it is very tiring..i cant relax because I am always waiting for something to happen..waiting for something to mess up or to get into trouble…I try to avoid mommy as much as I can..and im trying very hard this time ..well during this trip to remind myself to be calm..that she is doing what she does but I don’t have to let it affect me..i can let it go without internalizing it..im having enough issues with my mood..i don’t need to add anyone elses issues into it… and I miss taji and bounce..it is so weird being able to put something down and know that when I come back it will still be there…there is no little cats running over me or running around the house..but I don’t have my sleeping buddies..i don’t have the little bits of comfort that they provide..i cant pet them or play with them or anything..and I miss them…they are such a part of me..and this is the longest I will have left them..since I wont be going back home until after the 1^st…well ill be home sometime on the 2^nd..or super crazy early on the 3^rd..but yeah..a long time…and I just miss them. .  that’s all.

Im trying to remember the safety of being with Kathy the other night..and how she told me that it was ok when I was scared..and reminded me to relax when I was anxious..and just being with her for a little while..didnt have to talk at all..just was with her..and that is what I want..she told me I was beautiful..and again she told me that I have nothing to be ashamed off..and in my mind I want her to keep me so very badly that it hurts..i want to get from her what I never got as a child..love..acceptance..want..and Kathy gives it to me in small doses..or else I will go over board and then she will cut me off at the pass ..and I hate it..but I am beginning to understand it…and so all that I am wanting from her..i have to learn to give to myself..but until I do…ill take what Kathy gives..i will..

But all the same..my little vision..my long road and being stuck in the middle?? I think I am beginning to make steps..but foor now I don’t want to say yet which direction im going because I feel I will jinx myself…and it is very hard to walk away from what I am comfortable with..from where I found safety and silence..but I seem to forget that my longing to have that is mixed up with the reality of what that is..the reality of the pain, fear, hurt, guilt, shame..that is what is behind me..and I look at it and want it only because it is what I know..it is where I am comfortable..but maybe being so comfortable is what is holding me in place…being afraid to leave all of that behind me..but a choice still has to be made..and they are all just waiting for me to make it.

i need to stay present....

im trying to stay present..the anixety is starting to rise..and im feeling scared and anxious about going home tomorrow...im trying to keep reminding myself that i am ok..that it will be ok..that i am going to just take things one at a time..i dont like feeling so afraid...and im not sure what to do with the anxiety..so took meds..correctly..and am hoping that i will calm down soon..or at least go to sleep so that i can stop freaking out and worrying..

i can do this..i can...two days..well i can get through this..its just two days...

but i am still afraid :(

conquering fears....

i have been thinking a lot about this but havent been able to really write due to just crashing for prett much all of yesterday...i am feeling more awake now..a little bit anxious but more awake...

so what i was going to write about...on friday night was the office christmas party..and i was not able to go with the friend i usually go with..so it was go alone or not go at all..and i didnt want to go..i was afraid..scared..worried..i didnt want to be around the crowds or anything..and i kept saying no i wasnt going..cas i was at the office on friday and so that was the topic of conversation..and i was positive i wasnt going..but then i was thinking about well who would be there and seeing my old supervisor..and well getting my christmas bonus...money is a good motivator..but anywho..i decided to go..last minuute of course..ran out to the store to find something to wear and all of that..and did find a nice dress with sleeves no less! it was a lot shorter than anything i have ever worn..but i wore it..and i was told repeatedly at the party that i looked nice, pretty. beuatiful..that red was a lovely color on me..and i didnt disagree..and i tried hard to just say thank you and not dwell on it..because i was more focused on sitting properly and making sure my dress was down and everything lol..i was well out of my comfort zone in what i was wearing and being at the party and there being so so many people there..so i was able to sit with the coworkers i knew..and just kinda watch what was going on..i talked some..had a bit of dinner..waited and waited for the cake to be cut lol..but stayed..waiting for my supervisor kept me still and waiting..and so i dealt with the crowd..hid when i couldnt manage..and tried hard to stay calm and not just give up and leave..and so i didnt participate in any of the dancing..because at first i was just so focused on my supervisor getting there and seeing her..and just feeling uncomfortable and anxious in general..and when i am that uncomfortable i just watch everything..and i just try to blend in and not stand out..but i stayed put..and waited and watched...and finally she got there and i saw her after a bit..and she saw me and came right over and gave me a super long hug..and we were standing in a room full of people but it was as if it was just me and her and she was talking to me..and that was all that mattered..and with my supervisor she is more intent on working with me on my eye contact..and so she got ahold of me and after saying hi and everything of course the conversation moved to how i was doing in therapy and that i had already told her some of course..but yeah she was holding on to my arms while we were talking and the more she asked me to look at her the more anxious and scared i got..and she of course is standing right in front of me..telling me that its ok..and to relax and stop shaking..that she was standing right there and wouldnt let anything happen to me ..and i did look at her a little bit..i did..and she kept me with her for a bit..and talked and all of that..and i was just with her and in her company and that was all i wanted..really...and so i got two more hugs from her before leaving..and i got hugs from others that i felt safe with..and i even talked to my supervisors husband and managed to rein in my jealously just a little bit lol..

and well for anyone who knows me ..i have a thing for desseerts..and so there was a huge cake there and i was truly waiting and waiting for the cake to be cut..and of course it took all night for that to happen..and then the first two layers of the cake were red velvet and carrot..yuck!!!  and so it took even longer for them to cut into the bottom part..so it was as i was finally leaving that i realized that they had finally got to the bottom of the cake and found the good part lol..so i got my cake fix before leaving :)

and it was as i was leaving that i realized that i did feel pretty..that i was happy at moments..that i had gone to the party on my own and stayed until after midnight...when my sleep schedule lately is me being dead to the world by 8pm on a reg basis..but i was up ..super tired lol but still stayed...

and so i made it through..fears and all i made it through..and i have only focused on the positives of the party..thats all that matters...thats all i want to remember..the safety of my supervisor..the safety of my coworkers who i do consider friends..and even my director i knew would keep me safe when i was afraid..and anxious..

but i did it..even afraid and anxious...i did it.  i was outside of my comfort zone in a major major way..and it didnt kill me..i think it is surprising to me that i did it and it didnt kill me...

maybe this is progress.. :)

plans for the new year

gosh..my head is filled with ideas and thoughts and needs and wants for the new year...i am working hard to undersand what may be happening and the more i think about things the more i am questioning my decision to adopt..and not so much the decision but just having the resources to care for the baby you know...i know i would make whatever changes i needed to make..and i know i would love and care for the baby unconditionally...my worries are more on a personal basis..like am i capable of having and raising a child as a single parent..can i care for her and love her and stay stable in the process..i just wonder if i would be a good parent..and i guess that is the bottom line..wondering if i am going to be a good parent...and i know nothing is set as of right this minute..and i realize that even though i am anxiously awaiting a concerte answer on things...i also know that if it does not work out..then i will not be upset...i will continue to do the things that i need to do in order to have the space and resources to have a child...and i know that it will work out when the time is right...so once again i am being realistic and looking at all of the possibilities...what may or may not happen. what will be able to happen..what i can logically allow you know...so i can taking a few steps backwards and realizing that there are some things i need to have changed and done for a child to enter my life..and so my plans may change just a little bit...who knows...but i am hopeful that at the right time it will work out..and i realize that the thoughts do not make me feel sad at all...

my plans are changing a bit ..like realizing what is and isnt possible...what may or may not happen..and just being ok with it.  worrying and stressing will get me no where..and i am realizing that a little bit more these days.

as my priorities change..i know that things will be different soon...much much different..

and my concerns and plans are suddenly very attached to tax season..as i think this year i will be able to get some money back..vs last year when i owed money! essh..that sucked big time...but this year..well next year. i will be making much better choices! paying off old old bills that are just hanging on my credit report..and handling my massive therapy bill...moving..and just being current with things..that is what i want to do...i want to start improving my life..finding happiness and security in my life...that is what i want...and i am suddenly so very very interested in making these changes to better myself you know...and i want to move into a bigger apartment.  I really want to do that.  i want to stay in the same place..but i want to just begin to see the world as a bigger, happier experience...and with taxes..maybe i will be able to put money asisde so that i will be able to go and stay with nia for a couple weeks you know...to help her when the baby comes next year..if i know i am planning for that..then i know i will be ok with staying in richmond till then lol..after the holidays..no traveling for a while..it is saving and planning and preparing :)..that is the plan!

the fog is beginning to lift...a little bit

today has been an interesting day.  i saw alice this morning and i told her about how things were last week and how i had been so so upset about what we talked about and that i was mad at her..and she said thank you! talk about being shocked...i guess i expected her to be upset, to yell at me..to tell me it wasnt ok..but no it was the exact opposite..but i told her all of it..and we talked and i left her both of the incredibly long things that i wrote...and it was hard..but also it was a load off my mind..to just be able to tell her what happened..and how i felt..and being so upset and just not knowing what to do with it...and so i kinda forgot that in what i wrote i acknowledged to the cutting over the weekend..and i am just going to have to let that go..we will talk about it when i see her again..im pretty sure... but it was a long long conversation..and im trying hard to just look at it and see it for what it is..that she is working to help me and help me figure out the right direction to go towards..but she is not going to give me the answers...oh no..the answers i have to come up with myself..and so i told her how i saw her in all of this..and i really do think that at some point..i wont be in therapy anymore...and that is scary but at the same time that is what i want..i want to be able to think clearly and be able to let things go..and be able to talk about how i am feeling without gettting caught up and overwhelmed with it..without wanting to act on and push away the thoughts and feelings...when i am there..then i think i will know that i am able to deal with life on my own...or well without the weekly help..but for now..i think i need the consistency and being able to just work on talking and getting comfortable with myself and talking..and well eye contact..and gaining more confidence..i honestly told alice about the weekend and what i wrote on sunday and well she will most likely read all of what i gave her..which is very scary too..but i want her to know..i think i need for her to know..

it is so different ...allowing some of the good things in...allowing myself to begin to think about things differently..being able to begin to accept where i am at and who i am..something i never thought i would be able to do..and i am not thinking about it!  things have changed so so so much in the past year..my goodness things have changed...maybe they really truly are changing for the better.

Stuck

This is where I am at right now.  I am losing touch with reality and I know I am.  I know that it will take everything I have to get through the next week and a half, and then I will be able to breath again. Then I will be able to look forward and not back.  I know I have choices to make, and that only I can make them.  I am afraid of making the wrong choice.  I am afraid of moving forward, instead of backwards.  I look backwards with such yearning that it makes my heart hurt.  That is what I know, that is where I have found comfort, and peace and even though it is mixed up with harm, dysfunction, and hate. It is what I have known for more than half of my life so far.  It is what I am afraid to give up.  I want to close my eyes and take a leap forward, just move forward without knowing what will happen.  I am afraid, so very afraid.  Right now though I do not feel I can make a choice either way.  Now I am in survival mode, I just want to get through the next few days in one piece, without the fear and sadness overwhelming me. I want to find my own source of happiness, and finding it will mean again stepping outside of where I have grown comfortable.  It means changing, growing, learning.  It means being capable of so much more, of loving, caring, giving. 

I am currently stuck, waiting for answers to the questions that I am afraid to ask.  Yet, until I ask them, I will stay stuck.

remembering...a positive thing i think

so ive done a lot of writing the past few days...i think i reached a new level of writing that i havent had in a while...a couple weeks ago i wrote two poems..very quick..very honest about how i was feeling at the time..it has been a long time since i have written poetry..and then this past weekend i wrote out my thoughts/feelings on the shooting that happened..and was able to express myself better that way..it was short..honest..and i got a lot of likes/praise i guess on it...and i wasnt looking for that at all..i just needed to express myself and get the thoughts out of my head...

but since i wrote that last one...i have been thinking a lot about how i write..and have been thinking that i am good at writing..i am very good at writing..and detailing..and all of that..most of the time i just kinda gloss over the fact you know..i dont expect anything in return for my writing..i really dont..but i am considering/remembering..that i wanted to write a book..well i wanted to write a few books..i did...a childrens book, and then a book of my poetry..something that i had completely lost interest in..forgotten about..until this weekend..and my interest is up again...my thoughts are going over the idea..wondering what to do about it..

it will involve a lot more thought though...and i do believe that with my book i will intertwine parts of my journal with the poems...because im sure there is a theme to them all..every last one of them...and it is just an interesting thought you know...something that could possibly happen..something that could make me feel proud of myself and my accomplishments...

again it is one of those questions about what do i want to do...and why i want to do it...

i have been told over and over that i write well..and it was something that i again chose to ignore and downplay a lot...i didnt consider it very important at all ... it was just something i did to empty my head...but i know i will need a good editor lol...but just thoughts to think over ...

thinking thinking ..its a long process

i dont know how it took me so long to think in this darn circle that doesnt seem to end..its like the circle is developing cracks but still im still going around and around because the cracks are still not big enough to cause me to stop and go in a different direction..and i think that scares me..knowing that there are spacing forming in my thinking..and that i am being forced to rethink about things..i want to understand..but i get so frustrated because it takes me so long to figure things out..and then i just get even more frustrated to realize that the things alice says has some truth in them..when they are pertaining to me and my thinking and things..and i am not liking that too much..i dont like that someone else can see what i cant see.and then point it out to me...

so there is a point to this...

all week i have been thinking either on purpose or accidently about the whole self care topic that we talked about last week...and i think that underneath everything i never really stopped thinking about it..i wanted to figure it out to much..i wanted to know why i was so bothered by the conversation..why i was so upset about something that seemed to be so very straightforward...and i think i admitted defeat at some point last week..because i know i got all the way to complete and utter shut down mode..i didnt care about anything at all for a couple days... but then things sorta evened out and then the whole school thing in ct happened..and it brought a lot of stuff for me...i have a hard time staying objective on things when children are involved..children who are hurt, killed...i dont understand that..and so i couldnt let it go..i couldnt get out of my thoughts...i wrote..i made collages..i stopped watching the news and i am trying to avoiding going on the new websites...i cant read it because i am not able to deal with it..and then i just feel bad for not being able to deal with it...and i did cut yesterday..and my mind calmed down...it is still calmer than it was..but the thoughts and guilt have started invading again about the cutting..like im just not trying..but i know thats not true either...and i really just want this month to be over with so that i will be able to have back some sort of routine..


but i realized this morning..well i guess it finally got through my head this morning what it is that is bothering me so much..about the cutting and the conversation from last week...and its because i didnt want to acknowledge the truth..i dont want to acknowledge the truth..because then i just cant hide from it anymore...yes i know i cut..but as long as i can objectivify it ..as llong as i can make it work out and make sense in my head..then its ok...its because ive been told so many times that i need to stop, that i am just hurting myself, that i am crazy...thats what i think about the cutting..whether it is true or not didnt matter...thats what i was told..that is what i believed...i was bad for doing it..and so why stop?  why bother stopping?  i wanted to destory everything that is wrong with me..i wanted to die..and even though i know the chases of me dying from a cut are not as great as just flat out commiting suicide..the possibility is still there...i can be logical enough to not forget that part of it..but i was just sure cutting wasnt going to kill me because i could control it..i could manage it..and because i was doing it to myself then it didnt matter because i dont matter...it made sense to me... but talking to alice last week has messed all of that up and it is bothering me..because i no longer understand where i stand with cutting..i want it but dont want it..i can tell her that it makes me feel better and in the same breath tell her that its wrong and bad and not ok...but it cant be both can it?  i dont want it to be both..i want a clear cut answer and and not being able to get one makes me more upset than i want to admit..and so once again after days of thinking about it and wondering about it..and asking others about it..just a couple ppl who also cut or have cut before about it..and i didnt like there answers either..but  i asked all the same..because i was afraid to make up my own mind on the issue..i didnt know which was right,,is it helpful or isnt it..so this morning in one of the random lightbulb moments..i realized that the part of this whole thing that is keeping me stuck ..is my inability to decide where i stand on this...what do i think about it..not what does other ppl think about it and not what others have said to me about it..but what is my thoughts..my opinion..what do i think and feel about it is what is missing...because i keep working around that little issue..i want to know what everyone else thinks..i want to know how other people think..i wanted someone else to give me the answer..and it doesnt work like that...and so this morning i finally realized that this is the part of the whole thing that i wasnt getting...and after getting a little upset about it..i began to understand that i need to figure out where i stand on it..i need to understand where i stand and why...why is it that i keep doing it although i have been told over and over again that it is wrong..that i am crazy...why do i keep doing it if i believed that?  if i let go of the need to destory myself because of what others have told me...i have been so caught up once again in what others have told me..that i just forget that i do have an opinion..that i do have my own thoughts and beliefs and all of that...but all of my stuff gets pushed aside because of what others tell me..what i have heard...because my need to fit in and be unnoticed overrides my sense of being able to understand myself in all of this...its not that i am blaming others for my behaviors or my thoughts...no i know they are my thoughts..but they are just fueled by others..fueled by what i have been told...by what i have come to believe from other people..and it is not what i think..or truly think...i would make a lovely parrot..i would...because i take up what i am told and repeat it over and over and over until it becomes my truth..i believe what everyone else tells me..i want to believe what everyone else tells me...and so i end up caught up in this never ending circle...and i just keep fighting my own thoughts..in favor of what i am being told..becuase the negative things just continue to add fuel to the self hate...because i can warp what i am told because it is negative..because it does fit into my frame of thinking..and it again makes it so much easier to push aside what i may want to believe..or push aside anything positive at all...because accepting the cutting and other forms of harm for what they are means that i am truly looking at them..and not hiding from them..not pretending anymore...i was so upset that alice was just managing to some how poke holes in my whole belief system...but how can she so easily poke holes in something that i have maintained for years?  why is it so very easy for me to just allow what she says to get at me so very much?? and again the obvious thing that i am once again overlooking is that..maybe just maybe i want/need someone to point out the flaws in my thinking...maybe i want someone to be able to tell me that i am not being rational..that i am not being honest with myself..that i am not thinking on my own...and as much as i might hate it...that is what is happening...and it has happened a little bit before with my old supervisor..and my director i think..but i refused to believe them...i got angry whenever they told me anything that even tried to ring true in my head..if i was angry then it became their fault..they were the ones being mean..they were the ones making things difficult...they were wrong and not being supportive of me...but they were the ones seeing the truth of the situation..and they werent afraid to tell me that..and i didnt like it or want it...but lately more often than not alice is putting holes into my mixed up logic..and i am being pushed inadvertently towards looking at the truth for what it is...and the truth of the situation is... i like cutting...i liked cutting..i like being able to control how much i am hurting..i like knowing that i am destorying myself..because i can..because i refuse to let anyone else destroy me or hurt me again...but sometimes i still end up hurt..and confused..and not by my own hand...and as much as i might want someone else to make all the choices for me and give me all the answers i know and understand that it doesnt work like that...because yes it is my life..and my truth that i need to acknowledge and understand...and it makes me feel like i am admitting defeat in this by even writing that...that i have finally given up my hold on the lies that i wanted to desprately to believe...by acknowledging that i am not my beahviors..then i am actually real..i am a person... i can say no..i can do what i want...and that scares me a lot...because honestly i can understand how the cutting does make me feel better..and that i do it because of this..because i want to feel better..because i want to calm down and be able to think..because i want a break from myself and my thoughts.and cutting gives me that...cutting gives me a way out..without having to die..and i think that is part of the reason that i rely on it still..because i know that it helps..and that is what i want when things become overwhelming..i want peace..i want quiet...i want to escape myself and the only way i have found that works is the cutting..is doing the things that cause me more harm than good...because in my warped mind it is ok for me to do these things to myself..because i dont matter..because no one cares..because i want to just give up and die and be done with it already...but i have been cutting for long..throwing up for so long..and still havent managed to die..so what it is that i am hanging on for??  what is it that stops me from taking the next step into true nothingness??  what allows me to keep hanging on..by a thread at some points..but still holding on?? why??  and its not about me at all...its not about me staying alive for me..it is me staying alive for the children i have come to know and love..it is for my unborn niece or nephew that is coming next year...it is because i dont want others to be hurt and looking for answers by my actions...and so no matter how low i may be feeling..i wont take that next step...i wont die..and i get so close to the edge..repeatedly..i am walking that fine line between life and death..but never cross over..somehow i manage to come back to myself..somehow i manage to get myself together enough to see that i dont want to die..not really...i may want the escape but that i wont ..i wont get it that way...and so cutting it is..throwing up..messing up my meds.. on purpose..is how to manage that need to hurt..to forget..to completely empty my mind for just a little bit..because when it starts up again..i can think..i am calm..i am guilty..very very guilty..but i have the space for the guilt and the other thoughts without the overwhelming factor..because the pain that come with the cuts.keeps me present ..it keeps me from slipping back into the darkness that can consume me until i see no way out...and in the darkness i can hide from the truth..hide from what i am afraid of...but that is not living..im merely surviving ..for no purpose other than to keep struggling along and waiting still for someone to show me the way out of this mess...and again the issue is that no one can do it for me...and i keep thinking that...i keep thinking and trying to understand it..and the answer is right in front of me... it is my choice..my chance to make things different for myself...i am not a child..i have my own mind..i can think without help..i just have to learn to trust my thinking..trust my feelings for what they are..instead of waiting for the answers from someone else...i may think that i want the answers from someone else..but the truth is that i dont..i hate being told what to do..what to feel..what to think...i hate it more than anything else..but i allow myself to repeatedly wait for answers..like they are going to magically be written out for me...that if i wait long enough..that everything will be ok..that everything will be different...that i dont have to do the work..that showing up for therapy is enough...but its not enough..and that i do understand now...my thoughts consume to the point that i can not think straight ..and then i am irrational and make horrible choices...i understand that my mind is still working on the things i was told in the past..and that all of those things convinced me of a badness that only i can see...a badness that i can not even begin to understand or explain...it makes sense to me to say i am bad..but when asked to explain..i cant..i dont know how..because just saying that it is true for me is not an explaination..it is an excuse to not have to change my thinking..it is a way to be comfortable in my thoughts without anyone getting in the way or managing to stop me...it is a  defense mechinism in the worst way...

so where in the world does this leave me??? i dont know...i do feel defeated..i feel tired...i feel like i have to completely start over..that my old thoughts are still continuing to get in the way of the things i am learning and beginning to understand now..and the two do not work together at all...both cant be in my head..theres not room for both...for now i think things are at a stand still..waiting for me to come to a decision about which way it is that i am going to go...i have been stuck for a long long time i think...i want to go backwards but i cant..i want to go forward but im afraid..and so i stay stuck just standing in the middle of both ways...not doing enough to completely go backwards..but not enough to move forward either..and maybe that is what alice is seeing..maybe that is what kathy saw..but that i didnt see...i saw the failures..the struggles.the uncertainty..and i wasnt willing to give myself an inch in either direction..but as soon as i would start going forward..i would do something to send the fear into overdrive and then i would go backwards again...i keep doing the 3 steps forward and 3 steps back..but never doing enough to actually chose a way to go and keep going... and so i stay in this place and wait for something..wait for something to happen..wait for someone to give me an answer..and the problem with that is..i am waiting for myself..that alice and linda and courtney and kathy and jessica and my small group of online people who i can come to care about and depend on are there..that they are trying to offer a support that i am refusing because they just wont give me an answer that i want..because they wont give me a definite way to go...but i have been looking in the wrong place..once again i realize i am looking in the wrong place for answers...i wanted someone outside of me to make a choice for me...i wanted someone to take the responsibility for me..to tell me what to do...the responsibility is mine isnt ? the choice is mine..and it always has been...but i ignored it..i ignored what everyone has been telling me..ignoring what others have tried repeatedly to explain to me in the past year..and i didnt want to see it..i didnt want to hear it..i thought i was alone..that everyone has been just waiting for me to make a choice ..to go either way..and instead of seeing it..i became angry because no one was doing what i wanted them to do...i understand now i think..that it is the part of all of this that is holding me back..fear of acknowlegding what i am afraid of..afraid to acknowledge the truth..and by keeping myself in one place..i was not allowing myself to go anywhere..and just getting frustrated for not being able to go either way...and it was no one elses fault..it was my inability to make a choice..being afraid of the unknown..being afraid to repeat the same things over and over annd over...being afraid of convincing myself that there is something better than death..something more than just waiting on the sidelines to die...i can see it..in my head..just where it is that i am standing...waiting..hoping..expecting someone else to save me from myself...and everyone else surrounds me..waiting for me..they are not making the choice for me..and where i thought i could outlast everyone else in this waiting game..i do believe i had it wrong...they can and are willing to out wait me...they are willing to wait for me to come to a decision...they refuse to give me the out i am looking for..and my misguided anger only delays the outcome from happening...with the anger i cant make a choice...with the depression i cant make a choice..its not the pain, the fear, the confusion..it is me..holding myself in one place..because i am afraid..and that is the whole entire thing in a nutshell i think...that is the part of all of this that i was missing and unable to see....its not the old picture that i see anymore...it is not me standing on a cliff looking over..trying to decide if i want to jump or go backwards...it is not me in a locked room holding a key i didnt know i had watching the world go on without me...no it has changed...one long empty road with me and the ppl who support me just standing there...waiting...im waiting for them and they in turn are waiting for me..i had it backwards..very very backwards..i was looking at it the wrong way...where i felt i had no choices..i did..where i felt i was alone..i wasnt...and where i was afraid..there was support....but i have to ask for it..i know that i need to acknowledge all of it..and accept where i am at inorder to move on...whatever way it will be i have to move on..either to go forward or go backwards..there is a choice to make..and i am waiting for it...i want an answer without understanding the truth of any of it..i wanted a way to do it without having to feel the truth..wthout having to feel all of the hurt..the guilt.. the shame..i havent been willing to see that my behaviors are behaviors..that they are a reaction to something else...they are a reaction to something that i am afraid to face..something that i need to make go away..something that i need to forget...i want to forget...but i cant...like i have been told.my past is just that..in the past..i cant change it..i cant go back and make it better..i cant change anything about it...but facing it..dealing with it..and accepting it for what it was well is..that i can do..and i have avoided it for a very very long time..i have done everything i can to make it go away..to forget..to pretend...and now that there are openings forming in my wall of protection..i dont like the vulnerable feelings..i dont like feeling exposed...i dont like hearing myself say what i am thinking..feeling..seeing...but at the same time i get so annoyed when other ppl stay in the same place..repeat the same things...do the same things..and i can see what they are missing..i can see where the flaws are for them...while at the same time i am doing the exact same thing..and of course that makes me remember that the things that annoy me about someone else..are prolly the things that i am ignorning about myself..and again..all those times that i have refused to face the truth..refused to acknowledge...its all been right there..waiting for me to see...and it has been a long long wait...it has been a long hard road..and where my anger was displaced and directed at all the wrong ppl..i understand now that i was just trying to keep protecting myself..that all of the blame and guilt and shame are me trying to protect myself from the truth...i have made mistakes..mistakes that i need to own up too...i have hurts that i need to let heal or they will continue to haunt me...forever they will haunt me..and im tired of it..im tired of hiding..tired of being alone with myself and hating all that i am because of it..tired of hating myself for things i had no control over...tired of having to convince myself that that everything is wrong..that there is no happiness left for me... why do i do it to myself?

again i dont know where that leaves me ..right this minute...i still dont know which way i will go..but i do know that to move either way..i need to come to grips with where i am today...even if it is only to say and understand that i am confused as all heck...and unsure of things...that is where i am at..

i am a cutter, i am hurting, i am depressed, i am angry, i am sad, dejected, lost, broken, afraid confused..very very confused..and for this minute that is where i am at...and i need to accept that..and i need to work on understanding that these things do not make me less than a person..the same allowances that i give others i need to give myself..the same chances and choices i give others.. i need to give myself...

maybe there no answers to why the past is in the way it was..maybe that by looking for the why behind everything i was just allowing it to be worse..and couldnt let it go...i wanted answers...i want answers...i wanted to know why..i wanted to know what i had done wrong..i was on this road of needing to obtain perfection to be loved and wanted and needed..by others of course...but what in the world is it that i want for myself..what do i want from myself?? i think that when i am able to answer that question in an honest way..i will have decided on which way to move...at that moment my decision will have been made...

thats what i think anyway..

and im all thought out for now..the pressure is leaking out of me..the worry and fear are lessening...and i am thinking a little bit clearer...i can see yesterday for what it was..a day of hurting and confusion..and so yes i cut...but today is another day..today is not yesterday and it is not tomorrow...i have today to work through.to live through..and that is all there is too it really...that is really all there is...


"there is no strength where there is no struggle"

just struggling ...

i am feeling overwhelmed..lost .. i am hurting .. my heart is so very sad right now...and i am struggling to understand and deal with the tradgey that happened in ct..and i dont know what to do with my feelings or how to even talk about them...its all getting stuck in my head and i am afraid..i dont understand..and i want to understand..children dying affects me horribly..and i dont understand what would make a person kill innocent children...i worry about the children who will know that this happened at their school ..i worry about the famillies who have to bury their children, wives, mothers..i cant watch the news ... i can barely deal with fb because of all of the posts about it..and i feel awful because i cant deal with it..im trying...im being very very careful...im trying to be careful...im trying to process and i cant because the hurt runs deeply...i am not ok with children being killed..being hurt.. being forgotten..being unwanted..and it wakes up my own desires and needs and wants and solidfies my fears that the world is a scary scary place...i dont know what to say..i dont know to express what the real issue is...because while yes the act that ended in tradegy yesterday is affecting me..it is..but there is a reason for why it is affecting me so much..and i cant put into words what that is...

maybe it is the lonliness..the need to be comforted and not able to get it...like am almost ready to turn up in church tomorrow..because i dont understand...and

and just like that i know what will make me feel calmer..more settled..what will take my mind off of things..im sorry it has come to this..i am..

thoughts about today

sometimes it is a struggle to find the beauty in a world where children are hurt, killed, forgotten...it is hard to remember that it is a small amount of people who hurt others with little disregard for anyone else..pain and suffering may be a part of the world and life..but hurting others just because you can is never okay...i want to be disappointed in the world, disappointed at life, disappointed in however a 20yr old got a hold of a gun and created chaos, fear, and trauma in the lives of numerous families..but at the same time i sit here listening to my cats work together to get the open can of food off the counter and it amuses me..and i know that in the end.caring about others both human and animal is what matters..my heart is sad for the lost children and their families..for the lost adults and their families who are grieving for them..i worry for the safety of the children i know, the children i don't know, the children who have yet to be born...but if the fear becomes overwhelming..who will be there to care for these children? to love unconditionally, to forgive, to care...it is hard..and will take time..but the acts of one person can not/should not destroy how someone sees the world..

 12-15-12

by me 

 

RIP to the children and adults who lost their lives today in a senseless act that just caused more harm and pain to a nation... 

collages...made this week...just didnt know how to express myself

.......

thats what it is.... i feel as if i have completely given up on everything..life..work..school..all of it..i dont care and i just want to stay home and not have to deal with anything ever again...

something is just not in balance...

i am not understanding myself right now..something is truly not in balance ..i can feel it..that something is wrong ..but i dont know how to dscribe it or even how to really talk about it..i am hiding in my silence..because if i dont say anything outloud then no one can ask me any questions..and i am worried that if i continue to feel like this i will cut again..because i do not know how to say what is wrong..i just know something is wrong..something is different..and i dont know how to express it..

breathing easier...

i think i am still a bit overwhelmed with everything from yesterday..

but yesterday i honestly used every distraction i could..i wrote, i talked, i vent (by phone no less), i did the whole meditation thing for like 30 mins, and i stuck to what i had promised and visited a friend yesterday evening so that i got out of the house..by the time i got home last night..i was just sleepy..calmer but sleepy..and so today my plan is to go ahead and get out of the house early..and work a bit..and then go and do my late notes..yet again..and i need to find out for sure about a client for this evening possibly...so yeah that is my day in a nutshell..i hope...oh and yes had handmade donuts last night...yep

i really want to try to get a little more sleep though..just figured i would update while i was up..

somebody needs to choose sides..or i may explode

i am upset..there ive said it..and its not even upset..whats a words that bigger than just upset? i dont think im angry cas thats a huge thing..ive just managed to get myself so worked up that i cant calm down and i cant get myself to think in a straight line and im just getting more confused and more upset because i am confused and mad at alice for making me confused and poking a bagillion holes in my safety bubble..no i take it back i am very angry and i dont like it at all..because then i am going back and forth between wanting to just yell or throw something or wanting to destroy something or cry or sleep...and even now i am fighting the urge to go to sleep just cas..i get it in my head and because im so darn passive agressive its like fine im doing this on purpose but its only because someone said something to me about it...i know my going to sleep or not going to sleep is not gong to affect alice in any way at all..none..but still in my head its like i want to deny that i have anything wrong and just block all of it out and lay down and go to sleep for the rest of the day..and i cant do that either..and it makes me mad that i want to escape so badly..

i cant even figure out what it is that has me feeling so mad..well what has me staying mad..i keep trying to think about therapy today and the problem with that is that i end up so overwhelemed that i start wanting to attack myself because its like ok why cant i be quiet and shut up sometimes...i almost want to cut but not quite..if i can manage to write this and am still feeling edgy then i will try the music thingy for a little while and try to calm down..because i know logically that alice didnt do anything..and its just that i cant handle what we talked about ato process it and so instead ive just gotten angry and now i dont know a darn thing to do with the anger..and im in one of those i want everyone on my side type modes and its like well fine im not doing that either because again that darn subject came up in therapy..im not sure if it was just the conversation that is upsetting..the fact that i sat there and actually told her what i was thinking..or that she was able to point out so much stuff that i just wasnt seeing at all..and my whole sense of thinking is the most warped thing ive ever encountered and i dont know how it is a manage to get anything down at all with all my screwedup thinking going on..how can it make sense to me until i have someone repeating it back to me..ugh..

i really wonder what is wrong with me..and i wonder how i manage to be around anyone at all without sounding like ive just completely lost my mind..maybe that is what is upsetting me..i dont know..i cant figure it out and thats upsetting me too and ifs all so mixed up and because i have gotten myself so worked up im not in a place to process what was talked about because i cant even get past the idea that i am completely screwed up and no amount of help is going to fix me..and that is more depressing than anything else ..and that is what is driving the need to hide and have things completely quiet and just shut down until i can think clearly again.. i dont want to cut..im feeling physically sick right this minute but i dont want to cut..to angry to even calm down enough to think about that one..besides i know better than to cut when angry..that just makes a huge mess..im not even sure there was a point to this..there was something i wanted to get out but now i dont remember..

i am fighting with myself hard on this one..and if i stop and just think for a minute i know that the whole cutting conversation is what caused a lot of my anger because i cant figure out which side of it is true...the whole cutting thing started as a secret..something to keep hidden completely..but no some things dont stay hidden forever..and i got away with it for a long time before mommy figured something was wrong..and then it was all about how crazy i was and how i needed to be in the hospital and that she was going to pull me out of college..and all of this stuff but esstentionaly the message was cutting is bad..cutting is shameful..and i hated it and wanted it all at the same time..so slowly more ppl figured it out..not that i was that great at hiding it when confronted..but yeah..my sad inability to lie convincingly stinks at times...and so again the message was stop..dont do it..why are you doing it..the hospital thing still comes up occansionally..and im not dumb enough to land in the hospital..i refuse to go anyway..but still more often than not..the cutting wasnt accepted..not by me..not by anyone .. until i got to my job that i have now..and i ended up being in a group of ppl where it was understood a little better..but still not completely accepted..i mean no one is going to tell me that it is ok to do..but i got there concern and worry more than anything else..and it was there concerned that bothered me..i didnt want it..and i didnt need it at all..and i wondered why they would be concerned about me anyway..i knew what i was doing..i wasnt going to die..so i saw no reason at all for there concern..and no matter how much i said i was fine..they still expressed there own concerns..and for me that is still very confusing..like we talked about today..i can rationalize the cutting until there is nothing wrong with it at all..and then im surprised when few people agree with my line of thinking..and its not fair..i could understand if i was drinking or doing drugs..ok those are dangerous..i do not see cutting as being that dangerous or even worth worrying about..if i havent managed to accidently kill myself yet and its been almost 15 freakin years..i think ive got it under control..im not even sure why it is important to stop at times..why take away something that works and makes me feel better..but again its the logic piece that i am leaving out..and its not the adults that concern me..its the children who want to know what happened..the ones who ask the questions about my arms..its the kids who show the complete and utter true concern..and i can feel it with them and i dont want them to be sad or know that i am hurting myself...it has taken years for me to even get to the point of saying that i am hurting myself..and not just calling it cutting..saying im hurting myself makes me sad..or well it is right this minute..but eventually i get around to remembering that i dont care about myself at all..i dont want to be ok..and ive been trying to die for so long that it doesnt even bother me anymore..and there is a big big problem with that...and that is why i think i end up looking to other ppl to gauge my own self worth..thats why i worry so much about making someone mad at me for something ive done or not done..thats what drives me to go back and forth home hoping that each time something is going to be different and something is going to be better..and i will be important and wanted..but no..it doesnt happen like that and all ive done essentially is set myself up to be hurt repeatedly in the name of so called love..and so i guess on some very very low level it would make sense that my thinking is quite disturbed..but like everything else..i can work around my thinking..i can seperate how i feel about myself out from how i feel about other ppl ..and so i am able to work with others..and work with my clients..and be this nice, pleasant, calm person to be around..it doesnt really matter if i am thinking a mile a minute about every possible thing that is wrong..as long as no one else can be affected by my thoughts then i am ok..that is how i stay safe...i keep my craziness under tight control..and am very careful about staying away from people when i am not able to stay in control..because i know how to shut down in the middle of an argument and become this compliant person who can not think at all..because i can acccept another persons sriticism about me better than i can accept their praise..i wonder why it is that everyone doesnt hate me and cant see how awful i am..i wonder why no one else can see how much it is that i should already be dead..but im not..and because of that i do consider myself a failure..the one and only thing i ever truly wanted and i was never strong enough to do it..i couldnt..i cant..i may skirt the edges of it...walk that fine line between life and death and is there to tell ? who wants to listen to me? that is not how it works..i listen to everyone else..i can be supportive to everyone else..i can be what i need to be for everyone else..and that stops me from having to think or be completely engaged in anything concerning myself...and the part of all of it from today that i think i kept skipping over..is that i never actually said that i consider myself to unimportant..i think i was thinking it and kept thinking it but i did not say it out loud..because i dont want to hear what it is that i am good at or how my clients like me..i dont care about that..it doesnt matter all that much to me..if i was ignored by everyone and never had to talk again for the rest of my life, would i do it?? prolly not..as much as i might want too i dont think i would..i need that approval from others ..i need it more than i care to admit..and i have to be told repeatedly that i am good and that there are people who love me and that i do matter..over and over and over i need to hear it and that is prolly what adds fuel to my attachments that are so out of balance..i want everything but cant give as much..i need everything from them and they dont get anything at all from me..i am broken...flawed in some major way..because none of this makes sense at all..but it all came pouring out of my head as i calmed down..but again after the anger comes the major feelings of depression...im not sad..im worthless..nothing..etc .. i get to that place where i do care..and then i act without thinking because nothing matters anymore..i dont matter and it makes no sense to me when someone tries to tell me different ..why should it make a difference when i have mommy to remind me over and over that i am not good enough..and if that is what she thinks ..then what am i supposed to believe..
cutting was my way to show that i could deal with anything anyone could throw at me..i could handle it and nothing at all could hurt me anymore than i was already hurting myself..it was supposed to stay that way i think..but it changed at some point and became a way to escape .a way to find complete peace for just a little while from all the chaos  that is in my head..and i wanted it..i needed it..i was ok with what i was doing and dared anybody to tell me differently..but at the same time i couldnt shake the same..i couldnt help but wonder what was wrong with me..but i couldnt say what was wrong..i still have a lot of trouble saying what is wrong..but if i cut..i know then i will have someones undivided attention for a little while..and that is the one time i really dont want it at all..cutting is still one of the easiest ways to say that something is wrong..and that i need help figuring out what it is...cutting and hiding it protects me to some extent..but ive been in and out of therapy enough to know that if i am hiding it..then it will get worse..a lot worse before i feel that i am able to convince myself to tell someone what is wrong...it does confuse me as to why i can talk to alice and not sit in silence like i have done so so many times before..i was positive i could outwait any therapist who tried to get anything out of me..i wouldnt talk..i didnt lie but i left a lot out..hour long sessions with less than 15mins of talking from me.and i was proud of myself..i refused to crack for anything or anyone..and for as much as i refused the hospital when i was wondering around completely and utterly suicidal is beyond me..but no one figured it out..and i wasnt going to tell them...its not as consuming now...it takes less time f or me to come out of my i want to die phases than it did before...im still managing to perfect the art of shutting down when i dont want to deal with anything..but sleep is better than cutting..if i just sleep then i cant do anything bad..but now i sleep so much that im losing track of when im supposed to be awake..i function on 3 or 4 hour time frames before i start shutting down again..ever day..it doesnt really make a different any more...i know i can sleep..and if im sleeping then i am safe..id rather sleep and shut down than cut or do anything else im able to convince myself to do...i used to think it was completely unfair that everyone was trying to take away cutting..and the more they tried the more i resisted..and refused to do what anyone else wanted...again ive gotten past that pretty much and can go for quite a while without cutting...i dont think ive ever made it more than 6 months...this last time was  a little over 4 months..before giving in and looking for an automatic escape..i was tired i think..just tired of everything and overwhelemed with everything..i just wanted a little break at the time..

im not angry anymore..im just sad..and dont want to think anymore.

all thought out...kinda

im beginning to freak out again and so i am going to try to write down my thoughts before they become overwhelming ...

i talked to someone yeseterday in regards to the baby that is possibly being placed for adoption...the baby that i have a good good chance of getting...of adopting..but at the same time i am terrified..but there is a part of me that knows without a doubt that it is my decision in the end..that i can ask everybody under the sun what they think about the idea and what they feel about it..but again ..in the end it is still my choice...i am the one who will be caring for the baby..i am the one who will be with the baby for the rest of her life..i will raise her and care for her and love her..probably more than i love myself..

but i am learning that there is a lot of steps in adoption..not so much the steps even..but the cost..that is my biggest concern right now..and i know that i can do it..and am willing to do it..but im so afraid i will mess up ..that i will turn out to be just like my mom..that i will be harsh and mean and hurt my child..im afraid i wont be a good mother..im afraid i will mess up somehow...and that scares me...a lot..

and so in the past couple weeks i have spent a lot of time researching and looking up the adoption laws and how it is actually going to work and what i need to do..and what i need to  happen and all of that..and i realize that there are some things i am going to have to do before i am able to actually complete the adoption process...and well the biggest thing is of course moving into a bigger apartment..so that the baby will have a room...and i flat out refuse to give up my cats ..i cant do it..so yes  i will need a bigger place..so that there will be a specific no cat area..and well yeah that will be the babies room and bathroom..(im hoping to get into a two bedroom/two bathroom) ..but i know for a fact that will have to happen before i can finish the adoption process...which means a lot of different things..for a private adoption we have to go through a lawyer..and that will involve a lot of money and a homestudy..and medical records and what not...which i can understand..i dont like it but i can understand it...now the issue is that yes right now i may be a little short on space..but i have a steady job..a steady income..that i can make it work until i am able to move...whatever i have to do you know..

the process has sort of begun at this point..but nothing will be final untli after the new year and i get to talk to the babys mother and figure out what it is that we need to talk about and discuss..and everything..but with the thought of a baby possibly coming into my life in a short amount of time yes i am beginning to worry..i dont know what i need..i keep going back and forth between what it is that i am going to need and what is it that i am going to have to buy..and when..and then all of the baby formula..clothes..furnitiure..all of it..it is overwhelming..not to mention i will most likely have to find a parenting class to get into .. just to ease some of my fears...i have to plan on  who i will have to help me..who ill be able to call to babysit, to help when i need a break..to just be a support...and again money for said babysitter..i dont think i would do daycare at this point..i dont want to do that..i would rather have a babysitter..someone i know and trust..

but of course there is the oh so annoying tricky part...i may have the mothers consent to have the baby and to raise the baby..but i know that the adoption will not happen right when the baby is born..in my research i have learned that it will take at least 6 months or more for the adoption to become final..and again that is something that i am ok with and trying to prepare myself for...and i have thought and thought about how to do this and how to afford it and how to make it work...and in all of my stressing and worrying and freaking out i think i finally have possibly figured out an answer...the child will of course live with me..but i will wait to begin the adoption process...for possibly 6 months to a year..technically how ever long it is going to take to get another apartment because that is the part that is lacking right now..the biggest issue...and so the babys mother will most likely still be involved in the babies life..for a while..i mean not a lot but still a part of it..and i am ok with that..because i still have some major issues to work through pertaining to adoption and i would never keep that a secret from my child..i would never make her scared or fear that she is not wanted..that has affected me for a very very long time..it still affects me..-sigh- but the piece that involves the mother is the part that i cant do now on my own..and that is getting assistance for the baby..if nothing else wic and medicaid..neither of which i would be able to do on my own until the child was legally mine..and that means that i will have to ask the mother and explain what it is that the baby will need..i cant have the baby and know that she will not have insurance..i mean i have managed without insurance..with a heck of a lot of help and being able to go to the clinic..but for the baby and having to have shots and go to many appointments..i dont want the baby to suffer just because i dont have insurance..but then just thinking about it like that makes me feel bad..because its like im using the system for my own purposes and just being able to work around the obstacles that i will be facing..and again i know that it is in the best interest of the child and that in every other way i will be able to care for her..but i do feel that i am lacking because i dont have insurance you know...

but that is what i am looking at...i cant not figure out how else to do this and make it work you know..i mean i have funds but not enough to care for two ppl plus lawyer fees..i wish money grew on trees but it doesnt and so i am working hard to be realistic about this...and yes i do think the first year will be the hardest..but with help i think i can do it..even if that means pushing the actual adoption out a little bit... i wonder am i being realistic or am i just fooling myself?? there feels like there is so much to do and just not enough time to do it in..im afraid to get to hopeful and be told in the end that the baby is not going to be up for adoption..i havent told anyone except for nia and mommy..and well crap mommy said ok..didnt fight me on it at all..didnt argue or ask me what in the hell i was thinking..no she said ok and we will see..and i didnt know how to respond really..its confusing..mommy sometimes can be very confusing...

but that is where all of this is at..im not trying to make poor choices..and of course i want to protect the baby...and if that means having more help than i want for a while..then so be it... i will manage...

silence and isolation

i am having a weekend where i am just isolating completely..i dont want to talk to anyone so im not..i dont want to be around anyone so again im not..i am trapped and slightly afraid due to bad dreams but still i am stuck here..just waiting..just thinking..wondering about everything and nothing ..i sit and watch the time go by wondering what i should be doing.wondering why i cant go out..wanting so much to be free of whatever it is that is currently holding me down..keeping me trapped..today im not feeling good...yesterday bad dreams had me terrified and confused..friday there were some family things going on that was frustrating me .. and i dont know..i dont think i like myself very much right now...i just want these days to be over and done with..because i am going down...cant even mamke myself go to anything outside of work and even that is pushing it most days..i dont want to work..i dont want to do anything but just lay down and forget that the rest of the world exiists .. and this is super depressing so il just stop now..head is hurting a lot

t homework

i am a little nervous writing this ...since it is specfically about what we talked about in therapy..and feelings and thoughts and emotions and all of that..and well thats all the stuff i work so hard to avoid...but i am noticing more of the little things..like how much i ignore what goes on around me..i did it today with a client..we were walking out of the hospital through the waiting room..and there were no less than maybe 5 ppl sitting in there..and i was so focused on the door ..that is all i say..nothing else mattered..but my client actually speaks you know..and it was when she said something that i realized i was ignoring everything...its confusing..

so i will try to streamline this a bit more and actually try to follow the little guide thingy...but im going to have to do it in parts..all at once would overwhelm me..shoot thinking about it overwhelms me and i havent even started yet..and yes im avoiding big time ...ok

Things/Areas I criticize myself about/for...
I just want to say this is so stupid because i just want to say everything..but no i would never be allowed to get away with that..so i have to break it down..and that is what i think makes me feel so nervous about this..like identifying and acknowledging that i do criticize myself rather harshly for just about everything..and having to break it down makes me feel stupid ..because i know im doing it and i know i need to stop doing it..but i cant help myself..
so what are they..my criticisms..
-how i look
-being overweight
-having to take meds to manage my moods
-not being organized or neat
-not standing up for myself
-becoming easily embarassed about topics that make me uncomfortable
- lack of eye contact
- not doing more with my life
-not having a family
-feeling unwanted/worthless
-lack of self control
-all manners of self harm (cutting, burning, b/p, messing with my meds, taking meds that arent mine)
-not being good enough
wasting so much time doing nothing
-becoming easily overwhlemed and shutting down
-being afraid of people
-being afraid of males
-feeling that i am not able to manage a real relationship
-being uncomfortable with being touched
-not being happy
-feeling depressed almost all the time
-constantly failing at things - feeling like im failing at things
-scars
-not fitting in
-being alone
-needing help ( therapy and meds and stuff)
-making poor choices
-not being able to express myself verbally
-not managing money well
-poor impulse control
-putting others needs before mine
-feeling the need to hide alot of the time
-not being able to deal with myself and my thoughts safely
- not feeling loved / wanted / important
- negative thoughts on a consistent basis

and i need to stop..because the need to write this down..is fighting with my need to attack myself for everything that i am writing down..it really is a no win situation..and if i dont stop..i will end up trapping myself in my thoughts ..and so i am trying to remind myself that there is a purpose to this and that i am not just doing it to be mean..remind myself that i am ok..and that this is ok to have written...so deep breaths and time to focus on something else... 

trust the process ...

you know something that is really interesting... i talked to mommy today about the whole adoption thing..well i reminded her about it...and i realized that as i was talking to her that i wasnt looking for her approval or permission at all...i just wanted to talk to her about it..i didnt want advice..i didnt want to hear what i should be doing or not doing...and that was it..and she said ok pretty much...she called back later with more specific questions but still all stuff i already knew..nothing i needed help with...

the thing is..im going into this with my eyes wide open..this is not an unexpected thing...happening possibly a little faster than planned..but nothing that we havent thought over for a long time...and it hurts so much to know that so many kids are just not wanted wont get into the issues that causes for us with the whole adoption thing..but yeah..it is a big big big issue...

so yes i am waiting and hoping and wishing for good news..i am..but im also not stressing...i realize that things change as they need to...the day before i was told about this specific pregnant person..i had called my apartment office to ask about transfering to a bigger apartment..what are the odds i would do that and then the next day be asked if i was serious about wanting to adopt?? so i am just doing what i can and waiting and hoping...for the best...for everyone...

but i do plan to run the idea by my t and pdoc..again just to talk it out..im not looking for permission or approval..and it is so so odd saying that..thinking that..feeling that in myself..like out of no where suddenly its like ok maybe i can stand on my own two feet and deal with this stuff...but i trust them enough to want to talk to them about it. and see what they say. because nothing is set in stone yet and i know it will happen just gotta wait it out for the right time..

and im gonna stop before i make myself barf with all the positive stuff