Headaches and stuff

I'm trying so hard to use my coping skills and not give in to any urges....the weiģht on me seems to be lifting a little bit but I'm still worried about anita..and struggling with my thoughts...physically I be been sick a bit and I don't know what's causing it..but my stomach is not happy and I'm feeling nauseous during the day..im trying to take things one day at a time...but I'm really glad tomorrow is friday.

Broken

I want to just lay my head down and sleep...no more thinking .. no more anything..im sad..worried..upset..wanting  so very to hurt..to cry..to scream..my thoughts are racing but I shouldn't take any more meds...i found out today..i couldn't see anita..next week is a holiday on my usual,day..and so I am feeling everything...well I'm still to,drugged to feel anything but I know they are there..i have to be safe and all I want to do is destory..im worried about anita..something could have happened...amd she's mad at me and i,can't fix it and it makes me feel so anxious..i have to fix it..but I am left craving attention that I can't have. My thinking goes back and forth.. I'm tired..im hiding from myself..i want quiet as the noise in my head increases..i don't want to go to work tomorrow..im not happy I'm sad...i don't want to be around anyone..my routine is broken. I push away the thoughts and things until I forget them....i have to get through the next two weeks...how can I do that when all I want is to be alone..I  want comfort but won't accept it for fear of breaking down..the pressure builds on my head and in my chest and there  is not a safe release valve...i must be quiet..i must survive..i just want to sleep as my thoughts become darker and I'm more afraid of myself and there is no escape. No break..just never-ending thoughts...a constant battle to stay one step ahead of myself and not give in to any of the urges  .. I want an escape from mYself but no,pills are strong enough...sleep is all,i,have...

Super upset with myself

When I say I don't care and eat whatever I want..i truly don't care..and because of that I've gained back weight I had lost..ugh..and my stomach hurts for my trouble...blah

attention...

I am beginning to think that the whole fiasco with anita and the paperclip is because I'm not getting enough attention...im going out of my way to do stupid things and get sick again and just ugh...im not feeling good today at all...my stomach is bothering me a lot and I am once again saying that I will stop eating gluten....its harder this time around to stop..because I want so much of what I couldn't have before and things ive missed being able to have..but feeling this and gross is not worth it..and I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing it..i cant have it both ways...I really cant .. and my stomach is revolting my past eating habits horribly...so ill stop again...I truly will...I hate feeling like this...

but back to the attention thing...it has taken to me like almost 3 weeks to figure out that I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention..that I took the paperclip partially for attention...partially because sometimes I just cant stay in adult mode and want everything and anything..and telling me no is not something I understand in that frame of mind...but I kept and now I totally have anitas attention..good heavens I have it...but I keep going back and forth between it being upsetting because I cant explain why I did it..to just feeling completely vindicated because its mine and she cant have it back...I don't know..the whole thing is a confusing mess in my head..but really with work my attention is on everyone else and not me..there is always so much going on..im there..i do my job nd that's it...ive been avoiding sarah is some ways because I wasn't comfortable around her evening aide and so I have been spending a lot of my evenings alone reading, or sleeping, or just wasting time away..i feel alone..and I guess I'm not getting much feedback from work ..so its just maybe I am feeling forgotten ... unimportant..wanting to do something to get some sort of attention..i don't know..right now I'm feeling to miserable to even consider cutting but I think that has been one of my ways to have attention....not intentionally..but the end result was more attention...im trying hard to figure out the paperclip thing...

how it relates to anything or nothing....yes mommy constantly took things from me growing up or wouldn't let me have the same stuff as my brothers and sisters...I was quickly told I'm to old for toys or I need to grow up...yes I have issues with stealing and wanting to be like everyone else...or wanting to manage and fit in some way...a paperclip isn't making me like anyone but for some reason I wanted it ...my thinking changed and it wasn't until she asked for it back that I suddenly wanted it and refused to give it back...

sometimes I really truly hate the way my head works and thinks ...it makes no sense ... still trying to put the pieces together of a mind that makes no sense ...

Sooo

I'm waiting for dinner to finish cooking so I guess I'll write a little bit

My stomach is bothering me  today..no idea why though.. but it's not fun...

I got a small air mattress yesterday and woke up this morning without my back hurting me..i also slept away the entire morning! I  didn't mean to but I guess I was really really tired..

I'm off on Monday but I have Doc appts to go to...yuck...so I'll still have a pretty busy day... My job did get my background check back and asked me about it..luckily I wasn't fired but the worry about waiting for them to say something about it is gone...i know they have it.i know I wasn't fired..so for now that is all good..come August I'll only have one more year of it being on my record...well background...but I like my job..its tiring but i like it.

I have to start planning for Sarah's birthday and the trip to see noa and then my birthday trip... and then I probably won't go anywhere until Christmas.  That's the plan anyway. 

Struggling

I'm having a hard time right now..im struggling to stop using food as a weapon...its making me sick as and I feel miserable and am hurting...i did it on purpose...and now I'm paying for my choices..at the time I was impulsive. I didn't care..i wanted to be sick..i was angry and hurt..about somethings going on and took it out on myself...and the last couple days I've been miserably sick and feeling off...i know better ..and still I make the choice to take my feelings out on mYself...why can't I learn to not do that... :( I gotta get ready for work...but I'm feeling nauseous..

Life's obstacles

Well  My kindle is working again..so I can write and see what I'm actually writing...

This has been a depressing week.. Well last week has been depressing...Sarah had a death in her family...I had a death in my family that leaves me questioning my own stability ...they are saying he overdosed...mommy and nia had just   spent time with him..he had said he was going to get his life together..stop drinking...only to die a couple days later...last year my nephew committed suicide...both of their actions make me fear my own thoughts...Will i  reach a point where I truly am convinced that nothing is worth it...I often feel things aren't worth it but not to the extent that I have in the past..does that mean I'm getting better?? I cut last weekend and I haven't done it again but the thoughts are there..I'm not concerned about trying to kill myself..but I am just left questioning why..to all of it...I am safe..Just really sad...

Work has been stressful as we are still so short staffed ..And so the amount of clients we each have is high..And I'm falling behind on the notes...Ugh..  hate that..I'm starting to put money aside  to get a computer so I can get my notes done...there are only two computers at the office..so having my computer will make it easier...And then I can work on them little bits at home too..but gotta save first..

I'm really hoping my stuff from home will be brought to me at the end of the month..I'm trying not to have to spend more money on another air mattress...the current one is losing air so fast..I end up waking up often to reinflate it  only to have the air come right back out..Thanks to little cat,sized holes in it...I'm trying hard to make it..I don't mind sleeping on the floor but it hurts my back...sleeping on a not fully inflated air mattress kills my back too..so for now I am just hoping..

My stomach is bothering me today...And I was throwing up last week...hopefully it passes and my stomach calms down...I hate not feeling good...it sucks...I'm slowly becoming better with the gluten free stuff...I'm finding alternatives and stuff..And like with everything else there is gluten free junk food...And i have days where all I want to eat are cookies..I'm working to stop drinking soda again..hard battle...And it kinda really sucks...but I know drinking the empty calories aren't helping anything ..And the sugar content is awful..so yeah..things to work on..I did get a new meter from the doc so I am checking my sugar again at least..

Hmm ..haven't been sleeping the greatest..bad dreams...that sucks too..

Kai is really funny and steals my food...right as I'm looking at him..he took my whole container of rice from the Chinese place and carried it  from my room to the living room..the box of course was covered in little teeth marks and holes!!...

Ok I'm off to finish cooking ..And maybe taking  bubble bath...I've been reading  a lot too..I was able to get a couple books I really wanted...so I'll be busy some...an  Tuesday we are going to the movies at work...so that will be fun.

I'm alive..I'm sorta healthy and happy..so things are    overall   good but there is a layer of sadness to everything currently...

Will I have to live in fear?

I woke up this morning to news of a mass shooting in Orlando...when I woke up it was at 20 dead...now hours later it is at 50 dead...And many injured...it is heartbreaking to see the news and know all of these lives have been lost to hate...all the families who will have to worry about burying loved ones and the families who have no news of their children's whereabouts....what fear that must be..to see the news and know your child could have been there...

Each time there is a shooting I am saddened and become more afraid...schools, church, homes, train stations,movie theatre's, and now a gay nightclub....this is happening  r the world..every few months the world ends up praying for the victims of a shooting..a mass crime..bombs..No where feels safe...in my mind this was a hate crime..all of them are hate crimes...people and dying for being out and having fun..And I don't understand why..I don't understand what the reasoning behind it is..I want to understand but the shooter is dead...if he was still alive would they say he was mentally ill? Because of his name  is he a terrorist?? What reasoning  Will be fed to the masses about what has happened..

It is sad...depressing..I want Nothing to do with this world..the actions of a few can destroy the outlook for many...I know now is a time to focus on the positives but I am afraid...if I go to the store wil I make it home alive? If I travel? Do I need to watch everyone? Wonder about their intentions? Will I ever truly feel safe?? Will I wonder if I will be hated on sight because of my skin color, my life choices, my mental issues...should I have to be afraid??

Today is another sad day for the nation...for the world...for me...

Day 1....yet again

How many times do I have to fall just to have to get back up again...I don't know how long it was without cutting but today is day 1 again..And I'm frustrated with all of it..things have been stressful lately and I know there are other coping skills but yesterday...yesterday's feelings were the tipping point..I want so much to be accepted..liked...And I know Sara's family doesn't acknowledge me..but I guess hearing plans being made to visit specifically when I am not here just hurts..My feelings are hurt an  I can't stop thinking about not being good enough..I don't fit in my own family..My birth family gave me away..And now Sarah's family wants nothing to do with me..I feel rejected in a major way..I try so hard and still can't manage ..I'm tired..I'm sad...I know it is out of my control but the thoughts and feelings that have been triggered are alive and well :(

Sinking ship

I'm tired and cranky a bit today...My feeling  are hurt over something I thought I was managing..but I guess not...I know I'm not accepted by Sarah's family...not all but most..And it just hurts that her grandmother went out of her wH to make sure I wouldn't be here when she came to visit..I already have so many issues involving wanting to be accepted and feeling important...Just to once again be ignored and avoided..it's like I'm not even here...I'm a glossed over w accessory that will be thrown away with enough time I guess...it hurts and makes me incredibly sad...