a positive start ?? 2011...wow

Do not sell yourself short by promising to be a better person. You have always been amazing and recognition starts from within. ~ Dodinsky

I found this quote tonight on facebook and i just really like it..it speaks to me..and i feel that it is something that i need to really remember and take to heart..especially right now..with where i am at in my head..and just in life..i need to remember that i am enough, and that i am just me..and that i cant be any one else to make everyone else happy.  I have to be enough for me before trying to please everyone else.  i have to be able to live with my choices, and my decisions..my plans, my wants and needs..

i will accept myself this year.  i will accept my faults, my flaws, my struggles, my sadness, and my happiness ..i will not let others sway me, and i will stand up for myself and do things to make me happy. 

i want 2011 to be a good year and i know that i have to put forth the effort, the time, and have the strength to move forward..and keep growing and learning, and changing.  thats what life is about isnt it?  changing..growing..moving on..

i want this new year to be happier, i want to feel more at peace..calmer..saner..i want to be heard..and accepted..i want to be acknowledged..loved..wanted..needed..i want to cry, laugh, learn, grow..i want to move on..i want to be able to have a relationship..i want to accept that someone else can love and want me..

and like with every year i have been thinking about resolutions...and what i want for the new year..what my 'plan' is going to be..and its going to be a little different this year..my goals for the new year are 

-to be less wasteful with both money and food

-to make healthier choices when it comes to food

-to get finances under control

-to move..to my own place be it here in va or in another state

those are my goals..the things i want..and i know it is going to take a lot of work to reach those goals...pretty much at this time next year i dont want to look back on my year with sadness and disappointment..2010 was a year of learning..of making mistakes..and being forced to learn to deal with it and take things a day at a time..

i want to be more positive..i want to be happier..i think that was my goal for last year...to just be happy..this year i want to do things to help me have that happiness..

this is progress??!!  gosh i hope so...i do think that working on being more positive will be a good step..i really do...

so ill end all of this by just saying Happy New Year to all my friends and family.  I hope the new year brings you comfort, joy, and lots and lots of love. 

-me

something i wrote at home

Hmm im starting to feel sad...well ive been sad but I guess today its just being more noticeable beause im not really doing anything today...its snowing here at home in nc and so ive just been laying around all morning and pretty much up since I figured out it was snowing..and couldnt go back to sleep..so just played some computer games..and like you know have just been wasting time...im tired though..oh and I had a conversation this morning with mommy that I would have rather not had but whatever...its the day after christmas and I guess it was ok at home...i try not to compare to my sister and brothers..but I was on the low end of things gift wise..and I know that makes me like selfish and mean and all sorts of ugly things..but its true..and I just notice stuff like that...and I really am not complaining..you know I have good stuff and I appreciate what I have..i really do..but still I jus want more..i always want more :( and its like I can never be happy with just what I have..and that prolly drives some of my impulse stuff..just not being happy and trying to make myself happy with material stuff..and I know I shouldnt do it..i know I should be happy and be content because I have a lot of stuff that a lot of people dont have..and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself for wanting more and not benig happy with what I have..its christmas and I feel so very greedy..and just...i dont know... I mean for christmas I got a new tv..but I wasnt completely happy because I didnt have a new phone...i got clothes..but I want more clothes..you know that ikinda stuff...im jealous ..and just disappointed in myself I guess..i dont know ..it gets kinda all mixed up and twisted...and then I just feel more quiet and cut off from everyone..like I have to exile myself to deal with all of my shameful feelings..i am at home and I feel more out of place here than anywhere else..i dont fit into my own family..im not connected..i can laugh and goof off, and mess around..but at the end of the day..i just wish to be someone where else..and I write that and realize that at the same time there is a pull to just stay at home..to be here and just pretend for a minute that I am loved and with my family and able to just relax and have fun...but I cant seem to do that ..well I do want to stay here..like im supposed to be going home today..and I really am not sure I want to..i have to go to work tomorrow and im not sure I want to..:( that sort of thing...is going on..and I feel so conflicted and mixed up with what I want...

I have gotten myself into a jam at work..and its entirely my fault..and I have to deal with..and I have to keep reminding myself that they are not going to 'tell on me' to mommy..they are not going to call home and tell mommy to yell at me...i have to remind myself that I am an adult and I will have to deal with this no matter the consequences..but I feel stupid you know...in hindshight of course I see what I should have done..and what I should have said..but at the time I didnt think that far ahead..and so now im in a jam..and im more worried about my supervisor being disapppinted in me than anything else..and well its like im pretty much caught in a lie and its either confess or keep lying and well ugh...i know what I should do..and I know I should do the right thing..but I still want to lie and protect myself and just I dont know ..make it right some how..and well the only thing that truly will make it right is for me to come clean about it all..and just move on...but welll yeah...its been worrying me..a bit..and I know its pretty much to late right now to do anything about it...but yeah..am worried all the same..and im not sure what is going to happen you know...

now as for the current money situation..im afraid to even look at my bank account right now..cas of all the overdrafts and possible over spending I did for christmas :(...im scared to see the damage and even scareder to figure out how to fix the damage..i just dont know what I am going to do money wise for all of this mess..and its getting close to feb and im afraid that in feb I will be forced to move back home..just because I dont have a place to stay..or a steady job...and im afraid of what will happen to me...i know that its about time for me to sit down with heather and nate about the contract and what they want..or how they see things...cas I dont want to over stay my welcome and really if they give me a time frame then I will do my best to stick with it..but honestly by feb I wont be able to move out unless I have a steady pay check...and I dont want them to think that I am like mooching off of them and trying to stay and not move and just live with them forever..no they are friends and they are being super helpful and nice and understanding..they truly are...and im like just not even returning the favor or anything...ugh... and so I dont know what to do...cas it could be a couple sceranios

1. I get more hours at my second job and can slowly build up my job security there..and move out of heathers in a couple months

2. I can lose both jobs..and/or quit both jobs..and move back home with mommy
3. I can move to sc with nia and rob and find a job up there and be closer to them

I guess those are my options right now..that im truly looking at and considering...cause I have to be realistic..and I have to figure things out....i mean yeah im still gonna apply for jobs in va cas I would prefer to stay there..my docs are there, I have friends there, you know I have a small life there...but again I have to see what I can afford and what I can deal with..and well if the option becomes moving home again then I will just have to manage..somehow ...until I can make it somewhere else...but that option scares me the most..to move home and be back under mommy and just go back to being super suicidal and depressed and just ugh...i dont know..i mean yeah I have a month to figure it out..i guess..or to get a new game plan in order or set up or something...and I just dont know what to do...i really dont....

-sigh-

long story short..i have screwed things up for myself....majorly big time..once again..im disappointed..upset...but i cant feel like im juts going to die this time because this was entirely my fault..and i lied which made it worse..and so yeah...

changing..changes..depair..

i probably should write. i know ishould but all the thoughts are just stuck in my head with me and i dont know really how to say what i am feeling. im sad, dejected, i feel stupid for even hanging on to my job for this long. i mean i guess i had my reasons and i tried..and because of that i feel stupid and like a failure. maybe ill be able to understand completely that its not my fault one of these days, but the stress and frustration are to much to deal with right now. im trying hard to just even do what im expected to do right now. my eyes hurt from crying, and my head hurts from thinking. i really do just want to go to bed, and sleep, but i am trying not to do that because then i will jut ignore everything and make the situation that im in worse than it is. im worried about the insurance and meds, and therapy. im trying to figure out where i can cut back, and what i can give up to save money. meds will most likely be changed again, doses lowered or something. im going to email my insurance ppl today and find out how long i will have insurance if i change jobs, well when i change jobs because then i will have something to tell t next week when i see her because that may or may not be the last time i see her for a while but i dont know. ive spent most of my day trying hard to keep myself distracted from what is going on, but all i need is a minute of thinking about all of this and i start to cry again..its like i cant control ymself or my emotions right now..and that frustrates me. its like im here but im not, i interact enough to get by but i dont want to be around anyone..i dont want to see or talk to anybody. i dont want it to be christmas in a few days because that is the farthest thing from my mind right now...i dont understand how the boss of the company could do this to everyone...to not have paychecks..to lie about where paychecks are..and then to have a confrence call to say that it may be monday before paychecks show up?! it does feel like i am right back to where i was over the summer. i try to remind myself that i do have a job and that i will be able to gradulally gain hours next month..but that still leaves a couple weeks where i will barely receive anything money wise, and once again bills are piling up and i cant afford to pay anything..the only thing that saved me this time is that well i got my small check from my second job..and thats what ive been using for gas money and stuff..and after i called mommy in tears last night she is somehow going to give me the money..well some of the money that was going to be in my check so that ill be able to go home for christmas..when i would rather juts stay here and not leave my room for the entire 4 days im off..which could be entirely possible..its like even being at home right now is to much to deal with...i dont know how to get myself out of this funk that im in ..and i mean work is work and i can focus on that and get out of my head a little bit..but thats only a few hours at a time..there are still a lot of hours in the day to deal with..and i dont know what to do with myself really...and mommy did mention that moving home is always an option..:( i dont know what is going to happen...i guess if i am looking at all of my options for what i can and cant do..going home has to be added back on the list...and i will just deal with it.
i dont know what else to do or consider..but if i have to be realistic and make a plan..then moving has to be a part of it..and going home is a part of it...and if i cant manage here..and i really dont find a new job and cant support myself..then i will just have to go back home until i can again...

-sigh-

the truth hurts....the real honest bone deep truth hurts :( :( and the acceptance that the truth calls for hurts even more.

its feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest..and that there will be nothing to fill the space left..i will be empty...numb...and very very alone..

i dont know what to do

the truth comes out...as it always does...

the more i think about it..the more i can see what is holding me to the job..and its not the actual job although i love my clients..i do..its the supervisors..and the ppl in the office that i want to be around..and who make me happier..or make me feel safe...i want to keep that..and not let it go..and leaving the job means that i will give that up (and now i see what the real true problem is)..i mean job wise this year is the first time ive been fired...and ive never quit a job before ..and im afraid of doing it..of making people upset with me..i want to hang on to the familiar..and not let it go..and so i am fighting hard with myself..to make the decision i know i want to make..but the wants..and desires of others gets in the way..its like already the lose of the supervisor cas she is at the other office is a big big deal ..but not seeing her at all..is like major no no no and alot of feelings about that...but no its not the job itself..and i think that is what ive been trying to hide behind..its like you know i keep saying im hanging on to the job..and the insurance..and that is true..but the bigger truth is that im hanging on to the people..i dont want to let them go...

and now i want t now i want to talk and process..and figure this all out...but cant see her this week..and have to manage..and i just suddenly feel so very needy and wanting things again that i cant have...and it makes me anxious..cas i dont know what to do with the feelings again..i dont know how to comfort myself..still...and it makes me feel sad...

thinking...and planning...

i have been going over and over the past couple weeks in my head...trying to figure out what has happened...what it all means...that everything happens for a reason thing is really on my mind lately...there are a lot of job issues going on..and it is as if i have just lost focus..and lost my will to accomplish anything...and im slacking off...im irresponsible...im messing up...but i need to figure out what my plan is and i need to figure it out now...

i have two jobs...im messing up more with two jobs...one job with straight 40 hours is what i want and with insurance...now the problem of course is that a straight 40hours is a major pay cut.. it is going to take a little time  to catch up with that and find a steady 40 hours a week job...now ...its come down to the wire pretty much..and im going to have to let go of one of my jobs..and as much as i have tried and tried to hold on to my main job..its not working out..and this last paycheck fiasco is the last straw....i want to hold out until the end of jan though..so that ill have paychecks coming in..but well it may not be that long and it may be that first week in january that i have to call it quits..and move on..i have tried and i have been patient and things still arent going well and things still suck ..pay wise and being paid on time..and im just getting more and more frustrated and holding out for what?  the insurance i have and i will have to figure out a way to keep it..or pay for it on my own or something...as for my 2nd job...once i am back in there good graces i can get more clients...i can have more hours..and they pay on time...no insurance..and that is there only downfall really...i like them..i like the company..and well im paid on time...it makes no sense to me to slack on the job that pays on time...and i am just confused because i cant figure out what to do...letting go of the first job will cause more of a back lash persay..with like therapy and medicine..and all of that..like i just got it..and i have to let it go...already...and if i stop that..like give up the insurance and everything i will have to stop therapy for a while..until i can catch up on the bill..and that is going to be really very hard...the medication changes would cause a lot of issues yet again...and it will be a mess all over again..and that is very upsetting and frustrating..it should be so simple..to just put in my notice and say thats it..but its not that simple and i keep going back and forth on what is the right decision..in all honesty..i know that i am stretching myself to thin..that i am trying to do to many things at once and as a result im not doing anything...i know that is what is happening..but the not being paid is having a major effect on me..and my quality of work..i feel that i dont have to do anything if i am not going to be paid on time..and so the desire to see clients and do anything is really bad right now..and it makes no sense for me to keep a job that my heart is not into..it doesnt...but losing the insurance is going to cause a big big problem..and i guess i could call and see how much it will be to keep the plan and pay for it out of pocket or find out if i can get a cheaper plan..but if not ..then it will have to stop once again..and that will cause major withdrawls and everything if not done correctly...

it is also nearing the end of the contract that i have with heather and her husband..feb 1st im supposed to have place...a month from now...and i dont have the money to put towards it..i dont have anything to put towards a new place really..money is tight..money is nonexistent..and im not able to keep up at all..and i dont know what to do..i really dont ..everything is barreling down on me and i dont know what to do about any of it..

maybe i will just quit both of my jobs and move somewhere and just not worry about anything... :(

forced to think and reconsider things .....

today has been one of those days that is just detrimental to my emotional health and self esteem...not kidding in any way with that...

things have been kinda sucky lately..and a lot of it is job stuff..and my fault stuff..and dealing with the fall out of not having my work done and everything..and yes im expecting it but its a huge blow to the self esteem..and its like everyone decides tha i need to be told im doing a horrible job on the same day..and its just an overload of how much i suck you know...its just hard...and frustrating...

im disappointed in myself...big time..but everyone else is disappointed in me also...and its like im sorry i suck so badly..i am...and i cant sit there and make excuses for my behavior...i cant say what really happens because all it is will be excuses..and i dont do that..i accept that im screwing up..i do..but it doesnt make it hurt any less...it really doesnt..and then i feel stupid for being upset about something that is wholly my fault..and that is a direct result from my choices..and blah blah blah..i can understand both sides and that the part that makes it more sucky...either way..i have the consequences and i have to deal with them..i have to be an adult and deal with them..cas ugh yesterday i wanted to throw a tantrum...im not doing the preschool thing anymore...they asked for someone else...and that really hurt because that i wasnt expecting..at all..but ok i can move past that...but again it was like one of those no chance to say goodbye moments..and yeah it stinks cas i actually liked the kids..the teachers could bite me..but again..whatever..im just frustrated all around right now..cas with the s chool thing again no issues were brought to my attention..and it all went around me or was told to my boss and not me..and well whatever ..i can move on...

my work stuff is just frustrating right now..and ireally think that im going to end up with a pay cut if i change jobs...crap i would almost rather do residential again..ugh..

and im being given the run around for my pay check..and its been what 4 days and still no check..its freaking christmas and im still waiting to be paid. im frustrated and highly pissed off and ive been calling my boss and he doesnt pick up and i dont know what to do right now..and im stuck..and annoyed..and just flat out mad..i think i have been incredibly patient waiting this out..and hoping things get better...things were supposed to be better in oct..and its not dec and the same things keep happening...and im sick of waiting...the insurance piece is all that is keeping me there..truly..and i just got the insurance..and im going to have to let it go...i cant keep doing this whole pay check thing...its not ok..and its not fair..and im frustrated...

my car is a mess of issues...i had a flat the other day..and yesterday i managed to go and get tires for my car..so that was one thing..i have a crack on my windshield and my check engine light was on for a while yesterday...and i have no money to do anything with my car..i truly dont..and its just one big frustration...cas right now if i dont get paid i cant even pay my own bills again..and i wont have money to go home or shop or anything for christmas..and i dont know..its all just a mess again..and its frustrating me big time... and mommy is on me for mommy..and telling me that my siblings are all needing money ..and all of this stuff..and i cant do anything..she also wants me to considering moving to sc with my sister and her husband...and im just feeling like im being pulled in a million different directions right now..and nothing is really working out like i want it to...and i just keep feeling like im failing at everything i try to do..

anxiety is up...have a christmas party tonight weather permitting...and well just anxious about it...and still not feeling good completely

oh i am frustrated!!!

i am really feeling incredibly frustrated right now becuase of my pdoc session today....yes i realize that the pdoc is responsible for my meds and for being careful and making sure i am handling them well and all of that..but i thought they are also supposed to listen and pay attention to the client? ugh...i really feel like she thinkis that i jut want the meds for some other reason than taking them or something..i dont know...i mean today i asked her to make a couple changes..nothing that i havent talked with her about before really..i asked to stop the celexa and go back to the lexapro..and i asked for the effexor to be changed to the xr for because i take 3 pills a day right now..and i often forget the evening dose until much later and all of that...simple requests you know..but its like i asked for something off the wall and was given the 3rd degree about it and then i just became submissive and stopped trying to explain myself and just agreed with what she was telling me...i know that antidepressant have a huge fatique side effect and i know that changing the doses and all of that can cause that to happen more frequently and stuff..but these are also meds that i have taken already and that are not completely new...the doses havent changed..its just been a back and forth thing for a few months cas of insurance and all of that...back when i didnt have insurance i asked her if i would bt able to go back to the lexapro when i could afford it again..i did..i know i did..and so today i ask and its as if ive done something wrong and i dont understand what makes her so upset with me :(  i really dont... and before i went to see pdoc i saw t and had talked about my attention and distraction issues..and yes i know im bad with them..i know i can tend to procrastinate..and put off and not do my work..but its gotten worse and i think that it is more than just me not doing it..and i just got all mixed up trying to talk to the pdoc about it..but she pretty much refuses to even consider a med to help me get my focus under control..as i was leaving she mentioned the possibilty of sending me to be tested...but by then i didnt want it..i just wanted to get out of her office and away from her...i mean i work with adhd kids and adults enough to know the symptons and all of that...but its like just the fact that i even asked for a medication to help with my attention was off the wall and i shouldnt have done it type thing..and it is confusing me a lot..i mean i wanted her to juts consider it you know or something.but the response i got was the oppisite..and i dont know what i did...you know i was fine with t and able to talk about my concerns and everything..but with pdoc i just freeze up and get scared and mix up all im trying to say......and i dont know...im trying to consider her point i am...but i juts feel really unheard right now

i knew it was coming...but still it hurt :(

i really do feel very inadequte right now..upset ...confused..hurt...

i knew the consequences were coming..i knew what they were..and still i wasnt really thinking they would happen...i thought i could handle it..and instead i feel like a reprimanded child..like i just recieved my slap on the wrist and my lecture on preforming better...and now its up to me to live up to the chance i am being given...turn in my stuff..and stop messing around...my hours are cut for this week..and if i dont catch up they will be taken completely next week...technically i have till the 15th to get things in..thats 3 days.... and its like i need to set up a plan of action for stuff..cas it is overwhelming me right now..all of it...it makes me tired and i feel defeated before i even begin..but i had a long and drawn out conversation with my 'normal' supervisor about my lack of work...and not having my stuff in and making her run around and what not..and how its effecting everyone and how im going to lose my clients if i dont shape up and get stuff in..and well by the time i was done with that conversation i really truly did feel like crying..i felt awful..lower than low..just like ok pile on more failures to my list of growing failures...and it hit hard...it was true..and i was expecting it..but hearing it really hurt a lot..and its my fault...my supervior did say i was being stretched to thin and that if i didnt work on self care and all of that i was going to burn out...but finally i got off the phone with her...and just felt horrible...just felt like i was this huge failure you know..that i was just wrong and tired and struggling and all of that..and i didnt know what to do..so i called my other supervisor (the mommy one) and asked her if she had a little bit of time to talk to me..and given she already knows the situation..but she listened to me explain it and lay it all out..and then she kinda broke it all down for me..and pointed out the postivies and the areas that i needed to work on..told me to make small goals..and again to take care of myself..and to just use this week with less hours..to get stuff in..and get caught up...and she told me that she was available anytime i needed a pep talk..and i had to really restrain myself from asking her for a hug..which well over the phone wasnt going to happen..i also had to stop myself from asking if she was mad at me..cas i dont want her to be mad at me..but that would be over stepping boundaries..but i want to go to the party thing on friday cas it means ill be able to see her and possibly get a hug from her...

im just..i just need to think...and lay down for a bit..im tired...and have a headache now...i cant process everything...i need to just organize my thoughts ..and figure things out..

snow snow snow :)

snow really does make me very very happy ::) and i was very excited to learn that its snowing...i didnt even know and i was up all night! wow...

but the problem is that where i am at the snow is pretty signficant..and that means no driving for me today..i dont drive in snow..i cant drive in snow becuase i end up freaking out so badly..but i will get to have more time to work on notes and get them in...that is what im going to go and do...breakfast and notes..have got to eat something more substantial! ugh...barely ate anything yesterday..and im feeling hungier today..but well yeah...ummm gotta eat..thats the plan...and then work and then chill for the day..

what am i looking for .?....

have you ever just written something that was so heartful and so exposing and vulnerable in all its openness and realness..and put it on a message board..and waited and waited for a response and nothing happens ... or someone just makes a response that leaves you feeling even more empty and dissatisfied in some way?

the post i wrote earlier today...i dont know what i wanted from it..i dont know what i wanted to gain from it..but i wanted something..and i juts havent gotten it..ive been so obsessed today with like checking on them a million times and nothing..i keep waiting for words of wisdom..or comfort..support..something..anything..i want to be acknowledged or something and its not happening and i feel so stupid and upset for writing so much and for sharing..and for feeling so inadequate compared to other people and there needs..and i know i shouldnt compare becuase everyone is different..but i am..and i juts feel sad that i cant ge tthe level of support that other people can get and i dont know whats wrong with me..and why i cant have support and understanding too..why cant i have people that want to talk to me and want to know whats going on with me.. :(  im feeling really unsettled...and sad..and i dont know..juts out of sorts tonight...my needs arent being met and it makes me feel anxious in the worst way..i start looking outside of myself again for some sign that i am ok..that i am not stupid or dumb or any of those things...when i feel them so strongly..and then i cant trust my judgement. ... i cant make myself feel better..and i just sink into despair and depression..and all day ive been trying so hard to not sink into the depression that i know is so close right now..and im just tired of fighting it tonight..im tired of trying and hoping for something that i cant get ...and im nervous...about going to work tomorrow and having to be happy and engaged and all of that..when all i feel like doing is crying or laying down and giving up..do i want to give up?  im suddenly juts so tired of all of this..i am ...and i realize that i am contradicting myself heavily today..but i cant help it..every time i write it is about the same thing but from a different angle..everything feels true..but its all different..its all the same..i cant figure out what parts of it is true and what parts i need to get rid of...

ive been obssessing today about jobs and apartments..and finding someplace to live..i searched other states..other areas because i suddenly wanted to move ...i wanted a fresh start..i wanted to just leave..and im back to the mind numbing depression..i should know how to fight it by now..i should know how to fix it..i should know something by now..and instead its just the same freaking cycle again..the same thoughts..the same wants..the same everything...its always the same..and i am still stuck and unsure of myself..unsure of who i am right now...i become afraid of myself..for myself. i cant manage..i cant live..i want to just go away..i want to die..and i realize now that i havent taken my meds tonight...but im afraid to sleep cas i need to stay awake right now..that whole no staying up all night is in the past..i have to stay up inorder to finish..if i could just focus then ill be able to get it done..but still i struggle with the purpose of writing them...i struggle with wanting to even write them...i hate them..i hate writing them...i hate this part of my job..i really do...which lets me know that im not maybe doing the right job yet...but somehow between now and my staff meeting tomorrow morning..ive got to pull it together..ive got to get myself under control..but i see no point in hiding it either..yes im depressed..yes im on medication and in therapy..all i need is a flashing sign that lets every one know that im liable to lose my mind at any momemnt :(  and im trusted to work with families with issues...wtf...

can you describe your year in ten sentences?

i saw this somewhere on line this morning..and i have been thinking about it alot..because it seems impossible for me to even begin to put things in order ..much less describe my entire year in 10 sentences.  so much as happened..so many disappointments, changes, failures, gains, so much therapy and pdoc appointments, moving and leaving and beginning again..laughs, tears, utter despair and giddy happiness..some new skills, talking more, living more, hiding more, experiencing just a little bit more, .learning new things, meeting new people, losing touch with old people, safety, giggles, jello shots, calm days, cofffee fueled nights..collages, quotes, feelings, emotions..life..breathing..love..caring..discomfort..sadness..loss..loneliness..heartbreak..and growth...

well that most certainly doesnt count as ten sentences..i havent gotten to those..but i needed to think about it more..give myself more time...i mean truly what do i want to remember about this year?  what have i gained? learned? what will i take with me?  how is it that in less than a month it will be 2011..another year gone..another year to live through..how will next year be different?  how will it be better ??

so my ten sentences about 2010

I lived alone for most of this year, with dusti, and then i got bounce and my little family was complete.
I worked at one job that i lost and my world fell apart literally.
I found that in the most desperate of times there are people who care and notice and ask what is wrong.
I have learned that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if there may be a whole lot of rocks in front of that light. 
I have stopped cutting this year but all of the self harm has not stopped, i am still working on that.  I have lived with friends and managed to stay engaged and social even when i felt like hiding away.
I have began to talk more about myself, my life my struggles with people outside of my therapist.
I have found a strength in myself that I did not know was there, and i have gained a small sense of self.
I have become a part of a very safe group of people through my jobs, i have found acceptance in a way.
I have learned that I need to learn to provide my own comfort and acceptance because looking for it from other people will not always be an option.
I have struggled, cried, gave up, gave in, lost hope, pushed everyone away from me, struggled to speak, struggled to share but i am still here.
I have lost and gained friends, coworkers, supervisors, i have met a lot of new people.

Okay so i wrote 11..which i may or may not come back to ..im not sure if i am getting my point across really well..and im not sure how to get my point across..im not sure what i really am trying to say juts yet...i just needed a start..i needed to find out what i could say off the top of my head..and i was able to come up with 11..but i think they still need a bit of work...

i wish i could stop thinking for today..i really do...

a lot of thinking...

i am feeling very sorry for myself today...i dont know..just not feeling good at all...woke up this morning and couldnt open my eye..which freaked me out cas of course my first thought is pink eye..and then i had freaked myself out so much that i was afraid to even go and look in the mirror and see if it was truly pink eye..and my eye isnt pink.but it hurts and its been itching which i didnt catch on to yesterday..and its swollen and sore and well the whole nine yards..ugh..still have a headache and just kinda in general feeling crummy...and that drives my want to do anything down majorly..and theres so much i have to do today...so im gonna set up away from my bed cas if i lay down im just gonna wanna sleep..and i cant do that..but im not sure about driving either when my eye is all screwed up..and yeah..just feeling crummy..have i said that. ?

ugh..i just want to lay down and sleep..and im not even sleepy..i just want to lay down then...lots of back and forth head wise..yesterday and today..focus is down the drain big time...im not sure what to do about next week at all...cas i get paid next week and just thinking about all i have to get down is killing me..well not killing me but just overwhelming me some..i have work..and well paperwork..staff meetings and supervision...hpi classes..and clients...t and pdoc..i get paid this week and for the love of all things good i hope it is on time..i have bills and tickets and i need tires and i just need right now...christmas and gifts and all that aside..i have things to pay..and it frustrates me worrying so much about my paycheck..but also means i need to get things in on time this week and not mess around..so that i can be paid and nothing is held ... im disappointed in myself big time right now..i really am..and instead of making it better..im just making it worse.. (yep very deep in my pity party right now)

i got an email back from my coworker about the other job..and it would be a m-f 3 to 11 type deal...and i really am considering it..i want to email her and ask a few more questions before deciding if i want to do the interview...cas if it is a steady 40 hours..then i would rather do that..and just have one job..but also that would be a pay cut..like hour wise..but less paperwork in the end..and i could possibly keep my preschoolers...but i have to figure out what questions i need to ask before emailing her back...

there are also 2 christmas parties next week...one friday afternoon..and one saturday evening... nervous about those big time..but its more just the crowds and being so many people..and ill just be staying long enough to make an appearance i guess..cas i get so nervous and wont know a lot of the people there...the friday one is a lunch thing and we are doing secret santa and all that..and ill have to buy a gift..and all of that..and i have to bring a small food thing..which ive already picked and all of that..so i think that will be ok...the saturday one is more of a worry cas it is like a bigger deal..its like at a hotel and will be like a meal and awards and all of that type stuff..and that just makes me more nervous cas i dont know what to expect...but thats that..

and then this week coming up is the last week kids are in school..and so ill be able to see clients earlier in the day and maybe not being out so late at night will be a good thing..well i know it will be a good thing..coming in a 9 at night is tiresome..big time..so im looking forward to the time inbetween christmas and new years..but the downside is less hours of course..but right now i just want the break...i need the break...

im freaking out about one of my clients..and the anxiety about him is getting more and more upsetting...he is a foster kid and the family he is with is unable to keep him...i keep wanting to say that they dont want him..and i keep having a hard time looking at the big picture and realizing that there is a lot more to it than just wanting him...but its bothering me a lot..and i feel so sad because its the holidays and he is possibly going to be moved to a new family any day now..and i may or may not be able to keep seeing him if he is moved to far away..:( he doesnt know its even coming..and his family has not told him..but i think he knows something is up...its christmas and he hasnt asked for a single gift...he has to be so anxious and scared right now...and i dont know how to ease his fears at all...i wish his family would just tell him so that it would be out in the open and i could work with him and help him deal with it..but im not the one to tell him and so i have to keep avoiding the issue but still imply and ask him questions about what if this placement doesnt work out...its heart breaking and makes me feel so awful and upset..cas i guess in some ways i was lucky..i just had one family that i was adopted into and i wasnt moved in the system a million times...no not the greatest of childhoods but i was in one place..i had stuff..i had a family..well i have a family..good or bad..they are fairly consistent you know...and this kid has been in 6 houses..and none worked..he has been abused majorly..and he still isnt in a stable and safe place ..and i dont know how to make it better for him at all..i look at him and see how things could have been for me if i had been moved over and over again in the foster care system..some of the girls i was with in the residential setting had been moved around a lot to..and its hard working with them and knowing that there is a chance that they will be in the system and not be adopted and turn 18 and be left on there own..it is hard..and makes me feel very very sad....maybe that is part of what is driving some of my depression lately...i mean besides my own holiday crap..and stress with work and all that other stuff..i think its just that my clients situations are getting to me..and its hard to add on to my own stuff...and i keep thinking i need to fix things for them..i need to make things better...and i cant..i dont know how..my job has limits..and im learning them now it seems

major issues with the holidays and expectations and my sister..its always worse with the holidays and birthdays..cas she is not here and no one even talks about her..and its like shes been forgotten..and we forget sometimes too and try not to..really do..and its hard..and i feel so guilty and upset for forgetting her..but i dont remember her..if there wasnt this huge empty feeling..im not sure i would even know she had been there in the first place...shes the part of the past that will never be laid to rest i guess...

im sad..about everything..about nothing..i always hope that this year will be the year that i can be happy for the christmas..that i wont be walking around with a rain cloud over my head just drowning everything out..but it doesnt change...there is no joy in seeing the christmas lights or giving presents...im to selfish and greedy when it comes to presents..and i want and want and want..i give to..and i like giving presents..i like doing nice things for people..i like making other people happy..but underneath it all..i want everything..i want to be the center of attention..i want everyone to notice me and love me..and want to make me happy ... the outer quiet content girl is the biggest mask ever.. i do things and ask for nothing in return..i can accept the worst situation and be as supportive as i can .. i can do anything that is asked of me and then some...and still at the drop of a hat i can turn something so small into jealously or guilt ..or something that is mean and unfair and rude..i know i have learned from growing up that i should want more..that more is better...that there is always a way to get something else ..something better..ive been told lately that i live above my means..and i do..i cant deny it..cas i do..and i know my impulses when it comes to buying and money and gifts and stuff ..is way into like danger zone almost all the time...but i dont know how to change it..telling myself no doesnt do anything...and i feel bad for wanting all the time..for needing all the time...although this year i think the wanting and needing is coming out in that i need comfort from other people..i want safety and love from other people..and those needs are being filled either..and it just keeps me sad and frustrated...im not over the supervisor/mommy issue..not at all..and her not being in the office is hard to deal with..and when she is in the office once a week...you know the need to see her and be around her is so strong and overwhelming..and i think she understands a small part of it..but not all of it..and the urge to be with her is overwhelming some days...just needing to see her and talk to her..and let her be a comfort is overwhelming..i saw her last week for a little bit..but didnt get the chance to sit down and talk to her or anything..she did rub my back in passing..but even that isnt enough...is my emotional development that low? its like i need to start way at the beginning with just the basic comforts and needs and having them filled..i wonder how i was comforted as a baby..as a toddler..all those years when touch was so so very important..and i wonder if i had any of it...and realistically i have to wonder if my needs were put on the back burner because my sisters needs were greater..she was the one in and out of hospitals..and i wasnt..i was healthy and so i was left to others to take care of me..and maybe i wasnt given the attention i needed...i wasnt given enough love and touch and comfort..and i manged with out it..i grew up hating being touched for lots of reasons..but now its that i want it and cant have it..and i dont know how to give it to myself..not at the level i need...i cant do it..i dont know how..and i dont want it from me anyway..i want it from someone else.i want it from a mommy..but not my mommy..cas she isnt a comforting person..there is to much fear to get any comfort from her..and i feel so stupid for needing it so much...for wanting it and not being able to have it...and i have to be so strong and so adult all the time..i can comfort kids..i can comfort my clients..i can be supportive and listen and care to anyone else..but i cant seem to do it with myself..i cant reach that level of caring or concern with myself..and i stay stuck...i stay in this middle ground where im not sure where to go or what to do..and its causing my feelings to become very displaced and unstable..ive attaching to adults around me in the ..umm..well in unhealthy ways... and then when the feelings are given back to me ..i feel broken and unneeded..unloved..like there is something so very wrong with me..and that i cant be loved because i am just so screwed up...and then silence takes over..and i dont want to be noticed..i get so stuck inside of myself..and i just watch..and want and dont say anything at all..i dont want to be acknowledged for anything..i just want to slip through the cracks..i just want to get by..and exist ..and in a way just go back to disappearing..because being noticed is more painful now..i cant find the middle ground..and i want all of it or nothing..i cant see shades of gray as linda tells me...and i end up just messing things up and hiding away from what i have caused to happen...i have to restrain myself even now from calling my supervisor because i dont know what to tell her or what to say to her..or even explain any of my feelings right now..there is to much that i am feeling right now...and i dont know what to do with the feelings..and so im just writing and writing and hoping that some of the sadness will go away..but i dont know if it will go away now..its like wake up the old stuff and its just wont go away any more..there is to much to get through and figure out..to many feelings that have been ignored and boxed away..and now they are getting out and i cant push them away as well as i could before..i cant ignore all of them and shut down like before..and i wish i could..i wish i hadnt started in therapy or with the meds..i was upset yesterday that i couldnt feel suicidal anymore ..well currently cas the meds stop me from getting to that point..im not walking that fine line between life and death anymore and that upsets me..why would it upset me? i should be happy about that..and im not..i should accept that i am not suicidal and i cant..i should accept that maybe the meds and the therapy is helping and i dont want to..i want to find something wrong with all of it..i want to have a reason to stop..to call it quits ..to keep myself stuck in this messed up cycle of my life that i havent managed to get out of yet..linda says ive made process..my supervisors tell me that i am right where i need to be right now..wcen without knowing all that has gone on...and im the one that like no..nothing is better..nothing is changed..i dont know who you are talking about because it is not me..ive done nothing good..nothing worth praising.. all i have done is mess up..over and over..i destroyed everything..and now i cant even manage to get myself out of this hole that im stuck in..i keep pushing myself backwards..cas im afraid to come out..im afraid to face anything these days..and i start to try and just get scared and refuse ..or pretend..or ignore..what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to fix myself when some days im not even sure i want to be fixed..im not sure i can be fixed..or if linda and everyone is just wasting there time and energy on me and im not getting better.. im just drifting along..struggling..always struggling..and smiling..and i hate anyone who tells me to just cheer up...its christmas your supposed to be happy and giving and selfless and oh so cheerful...and it bothers me..it upsets me that the expectation is to be constantly happy..and to constantly give ... i already give..every single day that i have to go to work i g ive of myself..i dont have anything left to give anymore..im empty and just broken these days..thats what it feels like..im to embarrassed to accept anything ..to accept any compliment..i dont want thanks or praise..or anything..and i really have the be the most major hypocrite that i know...i say i want it..i say i dont want it..i say i need it..but i wont accept it..i just confuse myself..i dont know what i want..christmas is less than two weeks away now i think..and i feel nothing except nervousness about it..i just want the holidays to be over with...i really do.. i want to be happier..i do..i want to go home and not have mommy tell me what is wrong with me..or what i need to change about myself...last time it was oh you look like you have lost a little weight...it would be better if you stopped eating this this and this...or well now that you are losing weight you need to work on your skin and clearing it up so i want you to use this product now..and ive spent this amount of money on it so you better use it..ill go home at christmas and hear the same stuff...see the same look of disapproval and disgust that she has for me..and then smile and thank her for the gifts that she gives me..or how much she has done for me...while being lectured on what i need to be doing..when am i going back to grad school..have i found another job..what you only have two? i think you can handle another job..dont forget about all that i loaned you..i was excepting to have been paid back now..:( in other words..yes i suck yes im stupid and worthless and im sorry for needing so much from you and not being able to pay it back..yes ill stop eating and do whatever it is that you want me to do because i dont do enough...yes ill drop everything that im doing inorder to get you what you want from me..yes ..yes ..yes..that all she hears...yes..and thats all i say...i try no and it doesnt work..i would have a better chance of like getting a wall to move before mommy accepts a no from me...i try to hide the sadness but it still comes out...its sstill noticeable..at work..in therapy..everywhere..i just dont really know what to do with myself..

at home when my brothers and sister aare there..like around the holidays..and we talk about stuff that happened before..little things you know..that we did as kids..and i dont remember...i cant join in because most of the time i have no idea what they are talking about..they can tell all the silly stories..all the funny stuff we did as kids..and i dont remember them...i mean sometimes something they say will cas a little spark of something ..like what i think i did do that..or i was there when we did that...but i cant tell any stories like they can..i dont know any..i just sit and listen and laugh..cas im supposed to..not cas i have any idea of what they are saying..

i am on this message board that is really messing with my head..and i realize that the logical thing to do is to delete the membership..but that makes me feel guilty...i dont really post but i read alot..and i dont know..i have so many questions and doubts related to the board..but who am i to judge anyone else..it just bothers me though..that there are so many similarities between some systems there..and how they always relate to the exact same stuff..i dont know..i tend to over think things..i do..but i dont know..and im just not so sure about what goes on there...


guess after all of that i need to figure out what im doing today...feeling crummy and well not going to the office..but i am going to go and get my computer and put it downstairs so that i can get some work done..and ill go to the office good and early tomorrow so that i can get stuff printed and all of that..but today it will be just writing notes and catching up..and somewhere in there cooking dinner and stuff for lunches next week...no money for anything right now..so yep taking lunch and stuff..and it worked pretty ok last week..so that was a good thing...and i didnt have a lot of fast food last week so that was good too..a small amount of progress...am a bit concerned about dusti cas she is losing weight..and has lost a bit..and i think more than anything bounce is just eating all the food and dusti isnt getting as much as she should..as soon as i have the extra money they are both going to the vet for check ups..but i did get a few cans of wet food for dusti and im hoping that will help...bounce is coming home with me for christmas..and ill be home for about 4 days i think...maybe 5..but 4 at the least...and there will be a lot going on at home..cas i am anxious around christmas but mommy is way way way anxious and worse than usual with the temper and yelling and stuff..so yeah..gotta prepare..but hmm guess thats the plan for today..and well i need to clean my room..cas things are getting lost and i cant figure out where my clean clothes are anymore....and well the kids dont mind just grabbing clothes out of baskets and what not..but well yeah its a little tiresome...and mommy is also telling me i need a better winter coat and that i need to go ahead and find one so that she can pay for it..given she has told me to find one but she will decide what the final purchase will be...i mean i have already given her my christmas list..and she will most likely get what i asked for ..some way or another..she always get us what we ask for and then other stuff..even if she is complaining about not having money or anything...we will hve christmas..regardless..and sometimes i dont know how in the world she does it..how she manages to get so much stuff for all of us..and make things work..but she does..every year she does...i mean as we have all gotten older the gifts are less..well the piles of gifts are less..but they are still significant you know...like ive asked for a tv and an iphone...i know ill get the tv..but i wont get the phone right now...ill get the clothes ive asked for and a jacket..and other stuff..heck i wouldnt be surprised if she threw something into my stuff for bounce and dusti...but gift wise you know..i know kinda what to expect..heck some of it ill prolly pick out and she will just pay for it and wrap it up...but in general if i tell her i need something she will get it for me..i told her last week i needed money for a tire..and she sent it to me..given i didnt use it for tires but still she sent it..if i tell her i need new sneakers ill get them..i asked for a new purse and ended up with 2..she does that kind of stuff...and i dont need to wonder why i feel the need to constantly buy and have new stuff..no im not wondering where that came from at all

hmm i think ive rambled on enough today..for now...head is a little quieter though..and im feeling a little more focused...my eye is really hurting though and im frustrated that i found and lost my eye drops..i was worried this morning but i keep checking my eye in the mirror and its not pink..so im hoping the pain and what not will stop soon...at some point today ill put a warm washcloth on it and see if that helps..but i have to be laying down to do that..so yeah later on...

maybe at some point today will work on some collages...or maybe this week..really need to keep the thoughts from piling up like this...but ive just been so tired this past week..and working so much..and not doing much of anything except sleeping when im not at work..time doesnt even matter..it just has to be dark outside..or well if im driving..i feel so sleepy and can barely keep my eyes open..and this is without the nightly trazadone...i did take it last night though cas wasnt feeling good and really just wanted to sleep through the night without waking up a million times..and i did that..i think i got a lot of sleep last night..and im not feeling overly tired right now so im guessing i did sleep.
not sure though about t and pdoc for this week..i mean i have to go..well i think i need to go..but i dont want to go..cas it means that it will put me one session closer to not seeing her the week of christmas..and that has me a bit anxious...and im mad at t for daring to have a life outside of me and my issues that makes me a bad person doesnt it? for thinking that about my t ? i mean i know if i have an emergency then she will be reachable..but i dont want to ruin her christmas just cas i cant deal with mine...but i am very anxious about that..cas well going home amps up my anxiety..and christmas amps up my anxiety...put them together and i am liable to just become a complete basket case ugh...just not good..trying hard to take it one day at a time..and im having to remind myself repeatedly to stop and stay present and not jump into the future where any number of things can happen.....so deep breath....and calm down...

Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end -- no apologies, no regrets. ~ by Clark Moustakas

can i face the consequences ? ?

i am really screwing things up for myself..big time...like i am just making one bad choice after another right now and im not sure how to fix anything...im stuck somewhere between really not caring and really just wanting it all to be ok..:(  i wish i could even juts say that i was struggling bbut im not..not in a way that is obvious to anyone else...my meds are keeping me from really feeling the stress of the predicament that i have gotten myself into..

well ok...the first thing that is going on is that i am tired..really truly i could fall asleep at any minute of the day tired..i sleep on night..i wake up and want to go back to sleep..i drive and can almost feel my eyes trying to close..i want to sleep and thats all i want to do..i work all day and sleep all night and im afraid that im not really functioning anymore..and im not sure what it is about...i mean im not even taking the sleep meds during the week...because they really make me sleep...and i sleep all night for the most part without them..but maybe im not getting any deep sleep or something..sometimes i wake up a lot during the night..and sometimes i sleep so much and then wake up and im still tired and worn out..all i seem to do is sleep and work and not do paperwork because im tired and cant focus and just cant seem to get myself to do it....now my meds are the same..and they have been the same for a while now..and they are like well i didnt think they were to high but i dont know..maybe they are to high..maybe i need a different med that doesnt make me feel so tired..but i dont want my meds to change either..maybe i need a med that will give me more engery...maybe i need to get a something more activating..i dont know..i dont want the doc to stop anything..well i do want some things changed..but i really feel like im very close to not being able to even function anymore or make it through the day or anything..i dont want to do anything but sleep..thats all..i would be happy to just sleep forever right now..all i have to do is lay down and im asleep within minutes..and thats after sleeping all night and maybe even taking a nap during the day...its frustrating ..very frustrating ...

and on the work front..im not turning in my notes..and i realize that i am doing it to pretty much sabatage myself...like i think the underlying thought is that i want to be fired from my first job so that i can move on and find a job that pays on time..but because im afraid to actually quit..then ive liked just stopped caring about my paperwork and im not doing it ..and im bordering very close to being like very disappointed in what i am doing..i know that i am screwing things up for myself and i feel completely powerless to stop it...once its in my head then its like im forced to just see how it is going to play out...three times this week i have been in the office with the intent to do paperwork and get it turned in..one day i didnt work at all in hopes of getting paperwork done..and nothing ..i get started and then stop..my attention is all over the place..my focus my motivation..my everything is gone right now...other things are on my mind and it is becoming overwhelming and i cant seperate out what is now and what is future and what i need to do..im having trouble staying present..maybe that is it...i cant keep myself here because im just worrying and thinking and planning...i want something to change but i dont know what it is...i want to run...i want to start over..i want a break..i want things to be different in some way and i dont know how to get it and keep what i have..i dont know how to balance things out...i cant have everything..but i want everything..and i want nothing..and my supervisor not being in the office anymore is really bothering me a lot more than i care to admit...i want her here..i want to know that she is here..and that i can just talk to her..or something..and im in the office right now and have yet to go anywhere near her office because im afraid she will be mad at me..and that she will not want me around cas im sucking at my job..im afraid that she wont like me anymore and i want her to like me..i want her to care for me..i want her to hug me and love me (non sexual) ..i want comfort again ..and im afraid to get it from her..and now im avoiding her..and im fighting myself about it big time because i know i want her..i want to see her..i want to be near her..but the fear is winning today...and if i leave the office without seeing her or saying hi then im afraid of how down and out i will feel..i know im not supposed to base my self worth or any of that on other people..but i do..and its so easy for me to get caught up in it all an think im horrible and dont deserve to live because one person doesnt have time for me...i want all of her time..i want all of her attention..i just want someones attention..i think the medicine is covering up how depressed i really am right now...i do fall apart around the holidays and this year is no different..something is wrong and i just dont know how to put it into words..or get out what i am feeling..ive spent so much time lately juts giving and giving and being avaliable to everyone else..that the need to run and hide and disappear is all i want to think about..after well thinking about sleep of course..and well there is always the option that i am using sleep as my escape..sleep is my way to not deal with anything...if im sleep then time keeps going..the world goes on ..and i dont have to deal with it anymore..just for a little while.. i am sad..i am a lot of things and i just dont know how to connect with any of it right now...

my mind is being taken over by thoughts and wants that i am uncomfortable with..i want to visit a friend that could possibly be more than a friend..i want things that i have never wanted before and it is scary and confusing...i cant get past the damage to my body..the scars..i was looking at my arms in the mirror this morning and realized that i wanted more..i realized i wanted them to go away..i cant see the pain in them, i cant see the hurt or the fear or the unspoken words...i just want more..i want to hurt..i want to feel..i want to forget..linda told me to get rid of the knife i have..and to my credit i dont know where it is currently..but i have it somewhere...im dreaming about razors..i cant figure out if my dreams are reality..did i have a razor? or did i just think i had one?  did i use it?  no..i am picking a lot but not cutting..i want to cut..i want to burn..i want to do all of it..and i try to hide from the thoughts..and the wanting..the need..i try to remember that it doesnt have to go back to the way it was..but i am afraid..im afraid that i wont be able to convince myself..that i wont be able to deal with it..and will give in...how can i stay strong when the desire to keep safe is such a flightly thing..i want to be safe..i do..but i want the thoughts to go away..i want the thoughts to just stop...

my head is a jumbled mess right now...i cant figure things out..i cant make choices..i cant deal with anything..and somehow i just get through the day so that i can do the same thing all over again tomorrow...i juts need to get through next week and my hours will go down cas school will be out..and i wont have to see my 4yr olds ....and then ill be able to move my hours up and not be out so late at night..maybe that will help..one of the consequences of not turning in my paperwork is that my job will reduce my hours until i catchc up...and maybe that is what i need to happen..job wise maybe it is...money wise im screaming and crying that that is the biggest mistake ever..and i know it is..but ive just messed up to the point that this is my option..reduce my hours until i can catch back up and go from there.. i dont know what is going to happen...well i know what is going to happen but i dont know when it is going to happen..but it will be soon...and im just trying to deal with things as they come..but its a constant battle not to jump ahead and skip the now and move on to something better...i want to pick up and run away from all the issues that i have here in va and juts start over again somewhere else ..

im not eating right..which isnt really a bad thing..but its not the best thing either..

i wish i could take a nap right now..had is on overload and i just want to sleep for a few minutes..and regroup and then go on with my day...

i suck..pretty much

not off to a good start

im tired ...not feeling good...

im worn out..and forgetful

i just want to lay down today and stay in bed.

i want a hug

a lot on my mind

you know i had this open yesterday...pretty much all day and i didnt write anything..nothing at all..and i dont know what stopped me..i really dont..i was ok you know..yesterday morning..i was..nothing major went on..nothing important..should have done work and didnt but thats nothing new...i caught up on some work phone calls..finally...and just kinda wasted time...not sure completely ...but then last night..i dont know..something is really bothering me and im not sure what it is...im feeling really sad and just i dont know out of place or something..i dont know what i want or dont want..or what i need or anything right now .. fell asleep super early last night but i think that was because i didnt want to deal with my head anymore..but then waking up at 2 cas i cant sleep is a pain in the butt too..i just wish i could figure out whats bothering me so much right now..and maybe i have some ideas but i dont want to get into them cas they are things im ashamed of feeling..all related to body issues and stuff

you know...

i am having a seriously frustrating day today...

thats pretty much all


feeling a lot unsettled and needing to just kinda stay in one place and like just think and not stress and not do to much..and ugh...i just want to lay down and hide and think..yep thats what i want to do...

Hope - The Rain Dont Last Forever

1ST VERSE
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Could it be the world's gone colder?
Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

2ND VERSE
Sometimes my burdens get so heavy
And it seems too hard to bear

Sometimes I feel so empty
And it feels like no one's there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

CHORUS x 2
And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

And you gotta let it go...
And you gotta let it go...
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm..

struggling this morning..with having to go home..:(  yeah...

well

things are well moving along in some ways..still rather screwed up in others...the nervousness about going home is starting to really set in..and im freaking big time...i am..im trying to stay present and just deal with where i am at right now..but its a little harder when i know i am looking at going home tomorrow and being home..and what it means..i dont know :( ..i know i have to go home..i know i have to get things done with my car and that i cant put off going home..i know that..but still..its hard..and i border on backing out..changing my mind and just saying screw it to everything...but i cant do that either..i have to manage some how..and that means getting things done some how...

gosh...yesterday was an adventure...i ended up having some fraud thing going on with my bank account and it had to be closed..which is a huge inconvenience..and i think a couple payments i had ended up not being completed which is frustrating..but im trying to see the positives of having a new account and all of that..but still its a hassle..but id rather feel safe and not have random things coming out of my account..and all of that..so yeah...but i have to go and get it finished today..and all that..

yesterday was awful body wise...i felt so sick and was having big time stomach pains and was miserable for most of the day..i made it to some of my work stuff..but not all..and yeah..managed to eat last night and it was ok..and didnt end up sick...i was worried for a little while but my stomach decided that it would keep the food..but im feeling much better today..and for that i am happy..

i have to catch up with work stuff this weekend..and i think i should be able to do it..i was told that im going to be written up this time for being late and i told my supervisor that i accepted the consequences for being late..and i do and i knew that it was going to happen..and now i just need to get back on track...and stay on track..seriously...its like i just need to catch up and go from there...catching up is key though..ugh..and i will go from there..

but i have insurance ! oh my gosh it was so nice..i got my card and everything..and i was able to get my prescriptions yesterday for 10 bucks!!  i didnt ask for the non generic of one..but without insurance they would have been over 200!! and i then both for 10..and it was so less stressful...but i went to a different pharmacy..and again the look of the meds have changed...and i dont know...i dont like getting meds from walmart..which ive decided...cas its like walmart has cheap prices..but its like they have the generic form of the generics..and i dont understand completely how the same meds can supposed change..but yeah..the ones i got last night are similar to the ones ive had in the past but there not the same as the ones i have currently..and its just confusing..essh...but yeah..i have insurance..and now i just have to keep it as long as i possibly can..! ugh ...so much to deal with...blah

but yeah..guess thats all of my issues..and well im not tired lol..right now..

and well there is the incredible sadness over one of my clients and that his foster family is giving him back and they want him gone before christmas :( :(  that is really truly bothering me a lot..and makes me very very sad..

living..loving..moving past the pain

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. ~ Romana L. Anderson

I wonder lately who i am and what has happened to me.. i wonder how i have gotten to this place...to this exact place where i am willing to allow another person to love me..where i have people who care for me..who want me around..i wonder how i am able to think and plan and really want to do more...when did i start living for me? what has changed that i actually want to live for me ? to do what i want to do regardless of anyone else? when did things change? and what made them change?

i dont know..and things feel different..things feel different..safer..calmer..stressful..worrisome..all of it and none of it..it does scare me..but i think i like the changes..i think im ready for the changes..im ready to get through the past stuff and move on..i want to move on.i want to grow up..and live my life completely..i do..and i know that it will involve a lot of work in therapy...a lot of talking ..and reaching out and support..i have to learn to accept comfort and stand up for myself..and say no and mean it..i have to accept the consequences of all of my actions..and let things go..i have to not ddwell on the little things..the past mistakes..the past pain..i cant carry it all around..it is a part of me..but i dont have to let it consume me either...

i will be okay..i will...

there are a lot of things that are changing..there are a lot of things that i suddenly want and i cant seem to settle for anything less...i want to move on..explore..have adventures...i want to be happy..i want to be positive..i want to be able to love myself and someone else..and to give and get in equal portions..and not give everything to one person and have nothing left for myself..
maybe that is what i ahve been trying to figure out lately..with all the supervisor stuff..and refusal to go home..and all of that that is going on lately..i actually learned the lesson that i some how needed to learn..and that i do need all of my supervisors right now..the ones who believe in me..and who talk to me..and offer me comfort in ways that i have never had it before..maybe its that my therapist is trying so hard to get me to live in the present and accept it for what it is...maybe i needed to have someone give me boundaries..very firm boundaries and i needed to know that i can respect them..and live with them..i will not fall apart when i am told that i cant have something..and yes i understand why she needed to put the boundaries in place..i really do..maybe more so now than i did last week when i struggled so much..i needed to be told over and over that i can be comforted and that it does not just have to be with hugs..and i have had a lot of people telling me lately..that this is progress..that this is growth..that i am accepting and acknowledging things in a way now that i have never done in the past..

it is odd that it is taken me this long..years and years of pain, and hurt and loneliness have gotten me here..living with friends..being able to talk to people who care...willing to have a relationship with someone that i do love and be able to get past the fear..maybe the whole huge thing is that im willing to take chances now..or that im willing to take one  chance and that will be a huge step in freeing myself from all of the past stuff...yes im still super afraid of a lot of things..and im super worried about a lot of things..but it is all manageable..it is all things that i can work on and deal with..even when it feels like i cant..i deal with it..and keep dealing with it..even through all the days that i wanted to truly give up and all the days i went and looked at pills in hopes of ending it all..or contemplated the benefits of suicide..and thinking that i just couldnt do it anymore..i never gave up..and i listened to my friend that i live with now..tell me over and over that i couldnt give up..that things will get better..i had my therapist telling me that i just need to keep holding on to hope and that it will get better..even if i didnt believe them..i heard them..i really truly heard them...goodness i still have a lot of work to do..a lot of things to get out and talk about and acknowledge...but im not the scared little girl i was even two years ago..im still scared of stuff..and have loads of trouble talking ..but i realized this week..that im not the same person i was when i left home and went to college at 17..im really truly not...what has happened to that girl ? where has she gone? 

i never thought i would be in this place...i really didnt..i was positive that i would have died long before i got to this point..before i accept a therapist who is willing to help me, or that i would be seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine..that i would be counseling other people and families and doing okay at it ( ok i really cant say that im doing good at it cas that makes me uncomfortable!) i am asking for help..im starting to live..maybe thats the whole thing..im starting to live..and it may have taken me my entire life to realize that it is possible to move on..to grow up..to accept where i am at and live with it..but it is happening..it is..


i am not my past..and i dont know my future..all that leaves me with is the present..and i can either take it or leave it..but the choice is mine to make


-me

my hopes for next year

i hope that next year i will be able to take care of myself

i hope that my job stays stable and i am able to save money

i hope that i continue to use therapy for what it is and stop trying to keep secrets

i hope that i am able to learn to set stronger boundaries with people

i hope that i am able to keep being a good friend to well my friends both here and irl

i hope that i continue to write and do creative things when words fail me

i hope i am able to learn to budget and control my impulses better.

i hope i am able to pay more attention to my health and learn to take better care of myself.

i hope i am able to find just a bit of happiness

what am i thankful for

i am thankful for friends who care.
i am thankful to have  a job and  car and a safe place to live
im thankful for bounce and dusti who can make me smile and who i would be lost without

im thankful for my t and for my new friends i have made in va

im thankful for having fun conversations and knowing that i fit in somewhere

im thankful for you guys here who care and support and listen like no one ive ever known

im thankful for my t' and the people who keep giving me advise and nice words and unending support

im thankful for hugs

im thankful i am learning to express my wants and needs

breakthrough?

maybe i am looking at this mess that i have gotten myself into all wrong...maybe it is a good thing that i can identify that i want comfort from another person...even with my messed up perception and all .. maybe it is good that i can ask for a hug and deal with being told no..i may not like it at all and i am continue to think of ways to have that need met..but i can in the moment accept what im told..maybe being able to trust my supervisors regardless of what mommy is pushing into my head is a good step. well im trying to trust my supervisors..i really am...im trying to trust my therapist..im trying to trust my psychiatrist (ok well that one is taking way more effort)..but well i guess you get the idea...im trying..im connecting to something and im not sure i like it darn it..cas things have gotten really kinda messy with my head and its all confusing and in the way..and consuming..ugh...but things are changing..and that is super duper scary..and confusing ..and did i mention scary?  i mean i dont think i have ever been able to ask for a hug from anyone..and last week i asked for about 5..and managed to deal with my supervisors concerns at the same time...how is that for growth! essh..

but yesterday..i did something really very stupid and im trying not to freak cas i called and talked to my bank..and pretty much was told i will need to wait it out and see..i may end up closing my account and opening a new one..but yeah my way to help my money situation was not a smart thing to do..and god i know this..i know that..i know not to give out my bank info..and i really dont know where my smart genes were yesterday..but it was very stupid and very scary and im watching my bank account like a hawk..you know these lessons that you have to learn by making the mistakes are a pain in the a$$ .. but well yeah..trying not to dwell cas its happened and now ill just have to deal with it...but i really cant get over how stupid i was yesterday...no more trying to fix things..ill just wait until i have money and get paid and go from there..ugh

i can pick up my car today..yeah..trying to figure out how i am going to work that out...i may end up picking up my car tomorrow..i dont know...but its finished..and i sorta have the money to get it out..nad the insurance check is there..so that is one less worry..and somehow gotta get that taken care of...

i really do want my car back!

and well there is therapy today and gosh i am like ready to tell her everything if i means that i can get it out of my head..so much going on...and well not to mention i called her last week..and talked to her..and ive had to restrain from calling her again and again..but i did call her and i know that we will talk about that..and well i think i need to keep talking about the issues with my supervisor..and i want to show her my collages..i want to make a nother one..cas head is so full right now...i want to talk about thanksgiving and how im not going home and how that feels..ugh one hour just is not enough time anymore...and i think that once i get back on track with paying my bills off there im gonna ask if i can come twice a week..i am ...right now i feel like im finally getting somewhere..and once a week is just not enough. my need for acknowledgment and comfort are to strong right now...-sigh- i dont know...  but i think yeah ill go and do some collage stuff and then some work stuff and then get ready for therapy and the day....

yeah thats the plan...

collages

.  

guess should explain these just a little bit...or maybe i should just wait for questions bout them...i dont know...

the one .. with all the mom stuff is kinda some of what is going on and what we are like transferring to my supervisor..i want to be comforted and loved and cared for..really do

and the other is just the general mass confusion of my head..a lot of back and forth..avoiding ..hiding..running.

messy situations :(

today has not been the best day at all...and im getting tired so im sorrry if this doesnt make sense at all..

i rushed to my eval this morning and end up getting there right at 9...and then waited 45 minutes for my supervisor to finish getting things ready...and its like really i did have something else i needed to do...but ok i let that slide..and did my eval...i got a 55 cent increase joy...but you know the eval its self wasnt bad...but then we went through this checklist thing that i had to fill out..and well i scored myself pretty harshly..and there were some differences between my answers and hers..and so then i had to explain how i was scoring myself..and she told me that next time i have to score myself accurately cas im not giving myself enough credit...but you know no biggie..cas i most likely wont be any less harsh next time..but then she said that we were going to talk about what was going on for me..and well i wasnt going to..i really wasnt..but then i just told her a little about what was going on and some of the issues with mommy and being home..and well we talked about cutting and coping skills and respect vs fear..and it was a heavy conversation she told me that she knew from the first interview that the scars were from cutting..and she mentioned seeing the ones on my chest also..i almost showed her my arms..almost...but we talked about how it would be if i was assigned to someone who cut..and how that would be..and well we talked for a long time..she talked about some of her own stuff to and how she could relate you know...and we talked quite a bit about making choices and doing what i wanted to do and not what other people wanted me to do...and she told me that i could call her any time..and that of course what we talked about was confidential ...and she let me go..and then i just had to go to my other supervisor..but i was feeling so exposed and scared and vulnerable and i didnt know what to do..and really wanted a hug..so i went to my other supervisor..and asked for a hug..and that turned into one of her 'ok close the door and have a seat' conversations..and it was like well crap i really will need a hug after all this talking! but she told me that she wasnt sure how she felt about all the hugs..and that she wasnt sure if it was good for me to keep coming to her for hugs..and so we talked about that..and how i was feeling and well i do understand that as one of my bosses i cant get like a million hugs from her..and i mentioned just asking for 1 hug a week..and then turned around and told her that it was unfair that i couldnt have hugs..but i do understand that im toeing the line of professional and unprofessional behaviors...i really am and so i can understand her concerns..i really can..and i dont like them at all..and so i ended up talking to her some about therapy and how i was kinda using her to fill a need totally unrelated to work and that i wasnt completely sure what was behind it..but it was another heavy conversation..and i only got out of it because she had to run out for something..and that meant i could leave.. ..but she did give me a hug..a real hug before i left today..but she also told me that if i asked for more than i would have to talk to her about what was going on..and she told me that the conversation was definitly not over with..and that we would continue it another time.. i mean how do i explain to my boss that i want to be attached to her hip and to never leave her side because she is safe..and i dont want her to think im weird or crazy..or anything..but the feelings im associating with her are really strong and i dont know how to really truly explain how i feel so connected to her that i cant control myself..and if im not trying to completely stare at her or keep track of where she is at ..then im like trying to get a hug from her or have her talk to me..cas she does listen and i know that she likes hugs..and all that stuff..and its just an area where im really truly lacking..and i just dont know .. ...but i left her and kinda wandered for a bit cas was feeling to overwhelmed to do much..and was going to skip the rest of work..but ended up going to work..and it was boring ...but my head was still kinda reeling and i was tryin to think and focus and i just had trouble with it..i left that house and ended up on the phone with mommy..and it was just ..i hung up with her and felt so out of it and angry..very angry cas im not being listened to and i cant say im not being listened to..and its frustrating cas she can break me so very fast..and then i really was feeling aimless and overwhelmed and upset..ended up sitting in the parking lot of a rug store for a little while..before going inside..i wrote a little bit..and then went and walked around in the store..which led to looking for razors and i looked for them and got mad cas i couldnt find them..and then did find them..and realized what i wanted and that i couldnt have it..and so texted for a little while..and then bought a bunch of magazines instead of buying razors...and then call the emergency line for my t and it took a couple tries but finally stuck with it and they called her and she called me..like super fast she called me..and i talked to her about what was going on..im all talked out..and i really was feeling out of control and on edge and just not in a good place and i told t that..and she helped me calm down enough to go to work..and well work was a disater tonight..and i left his house after about an hour because of the kids behavior..and so just came home..and well that drive was its on adventure..but am now home and just want to sleep..really thats all i want right now..im tired and drained and just afraid of things..upset i needed to call linda tonight..and that i felt so unsafe that i wanted to just give up..have an escape..again..its becoming more frequent again..i did tell linda that i felt really unsafe with myself when i was at home..and its just been a lot of hard convos..and feeling so not ok with all the talking and trying and ugh..its frustrating ... and im tired of work and

**insert random falling asleep last night and not finishing this***

hmm did calm down enough to go to work..and then then left within an hour cas the kid was off the chain and i wasnt up for dealing with him and my own stuff last night..i wasnt..so i left..and we have rescheduled for sunday...fun.. and so came home and well crashed pretty much...dont rememner how much medicine i took..cas woke up this morning feeling majorly drugged..and was trying to remember and cant.. i wanted to sleep..and i did..but now im awake and unsure again of what im doing or well not doing...

i think the problem..well one of the problems currently ..is that i cant balance the boundaries ...i really dont know how to...im pushing hard against the boundary with my supervisor with the hugs and all that..and i know that and understand it..but wanting them and wanting to feel comforted overruns my sense of logic and knowing better..and she is trying to put boundaries in place and i dont like it..i dont want the boundaries..i want her to be able to comfort me..because im scared and anxious and unsure of things lately...she and the other supervisor tell me that i can call them anytime...but i dont know how to handle that..because i would call every day..and not be able to talk..i already want to call them but i am unsure of how to cross that line..im not sure what is acceptable..and they both said i can call anytime..but i dont know how to limit the contact.once i start ill want to keep doing it..and ill want to keep going to them ...and icant...i cant regulate my emotions or feelings very well by myself...and maybe that is why i called linda last night and texted a friend...i have to be told and reminded that i need to calm down..and i need to think and do one thing at a time..and all this stuff..i get so caught up trying to look at and fix all of it that i just make it worse and not better..and then i end up a compete basket case and cant rein myself back in without an outside person or someone reminding me that i need to chill out..and then i start wanting to escape..to hide..to run away or hurt..i really wanted to hurt last night..i did...but managed not to..

i dont know..

weight watchers ...food...the hoildays..

so ive been thinking about this alot lately and ive been looking up the points and everything and you know just thinking about if i could do it or not..and well i think im getting close rand closer to deciding that i want to do weight watchers..i just get nervous thinking about starting it and seeing what happens..i have ..well this morning i looked up the points for like what i have been eating and its horrible..like really truly horrible ..and like over the top..using up points and then some..not that im counting right now.  its just a pain in the butt you know..cas the more i learn about all the weight watchers stuff the more i start counting stuff and its like holy crap...and i wonder why i cant lose weight ?!  its because im eating like i have no sense left in my head and i know better..but im using food as a crutch..i know i am..i really do..and i really hate that im doing it..but its like anything bad happens and i want to eat..anything annoying or frustrating or upsetting and i want to eat..ugh..its such a pain in the butt..and i dont know how to stop it..i mean i managed a couple days last week without fast food and then all it took was like one bad thing to happen and it was like noope i want to eat and i want something now and so it turned into fast food and then once i started i couldnt seem to stop again and its just a frustrating cycle that i have gotten myself into once again..and i have been thinking about purging again..and ive been thinking about not eating again and its all just a mess in my head when it comes to food cas well its all i think about it and its all overwhleming in its own way..and now the holidays are coming and im starting to freak about going home and being around mommy and her telling me you know that ive not lost weight..and im not sure if i gained or not but im certainly not losing anything..and i know she is going to just take one look at me and scream and push and do all her usual stuff to let me know how much i just suck at life you know..and it makes me nervous to gohome..and it makes me scared to go home too cas i dont want to have to deal with that...becuase its going to juts lead to an immediate and total shut down..i know it is..its like clockwork..and its like i know she will just take one look at me and have to point out all my current flaws and then just look at me like im a disgusting bug that she just wants to step on...facial expressions are pretty obvious you know..and well she doesnt go out of her way to hide hers..and so ive become quite accustomed to her looks of disgust :( i really have..and i try so hard not to let them get to me ...but its hard..and i dont know how to NOT let it get to me..i was looking at my calendar today and thanksgiving is really like just a week and a half away :( thats all...and not even 4 full weeks after that is christmas..and between the two of them that is a lot of time at home ...and im trying to figure out money and everything and im freaking out about all of it..i mean i need money to get my car out..and for bills and ugh...i just dont have enough for everything..i dont... :(  its not good ..and i hate it cas its so just ugh i hate money...you know..i keep trying and trying and trying and still things are piling up so very much..and i cant manage to keep up...and it makes me feel so sick of trying :(

and this week is going to be busy...ill be up most of the night doing paperwokr i guess because it is due tomorrow no questions asked..so i have to get it done..fun fun fun...and then lots of work stuff to do this week and even more running around you know...lots of sessions with clients...and all that..gotta figure out my school schedule too and the classes that i need to see..and i have court on tuesday morning with a client..

therapy this week has me nervous and i keep thinking that i want to cancel it becausae it is going to be scary..and i wish i could remember what it is that we talked about..or what it is that i had homework about..but i dont remember...i just vaguely know what we talked about concerning mommy and her threatening to kill me..and i remember linda telling me that i could leave it all in her office and not worry about it..but i think i took that as im not going to remember any of it..cas i dont remember the session..i dont remember what we talked about..and i dont know..im just afraid..and feel completely exposed you know...

i know i owe my t and pdoc a lot of money..and i do mean a lot...and they are being so nice about the fact that i keep coming and umm cant pay :( and im hoping that i will have my insurance card by dec first so that i can take it to the office and then can start running it for my insurance and then ill be able to start paying off what i owe and not letting it get any higher...thats what i want...

and well i have to remember my bills..im so disappointed that it will mostly likely be in january before i manage to catch up :(  because i know that i am asking a lot of my friends that im staying with..and i know that we have a plan and a contract and everything..and i want to do my best to stick to it...and im going to try..but i guess i am feeling the time frame a lot right now and im worried that i wont be able to do it..or that ill have to find a place to move out and all of that ..and i guess im just feeling a bit worried about things and how things are going to work out...

i dont know...just a lot on my mind right now...

i