it will never end

Why is it that some things can be figured out when you least expect it. Today has been up and down a lot but overall evening out some and turning out okay i think..mommy is out of town but at the same time its like she is still here. Since i got home yesterday all ive gone back to thinking is that if mommy was here she would be so pissed off that i wasnt cleaning up or something..if she was here i would have been sucked into helping cook and clean and take care of granny..then i would have gotten in trouble for doing a bad job at all of it..even if i worked all day on everything it would all still suck and i would be at fault as always...and even though i know she is hundreds of miles away its like she will just be back at any time to check and make sure ive done what im supposed to be doing..shes not here but im still scared..worried that somehow no matter what i will be in trouble..so i did what i was expected to do..i cleaned up and i cooked but still i dont feel like its not enough..like there is something im missing or that i havent cleaned enough..she doesnt have to be here but its like she is all the same..somehow she lives in my head all the time..telling me what to do or what i should be doing..always criticizing what i am doing or questioning what i want to do..it doesnt make sense but i still know its true..somehow its come up before and i didnt really think about it then..but as i was mindlessly cleaning earlier it just kinda started creeping in again..i really did have to ask myself why i bothered when its just me nia and henry here..whats the big deal? but i know what the big deal is..im terrified that somehow she will find out i slacked off and the house just fall apart because i am such a screw up and then it would just be another reason to hate me..i dont like that i can fall into the parent role so easily when mommy isnt here..suddenly all the little things matter and i worry more than i usually do..suddenly im the one with all the answers and mommy calls enough that its like shes still here anyway..but until she actually gets back things i do are just ok..once shes here again then nothing ive done is right..everything could have been done a different way or just better..i know where it comes from when i can look in the mirror and say i hate you and mean it...its not that hard to say and i do mean it but ive just heard it in random ways so much..its not always a flat out i hate you..its you can do better or you should do better..its you shouldnt have that or do that..you should be like this person or why cant you be like someone else..why shouldnt i hate myself when im forever told im not good enough? it would have been weirder if i had learned to ignore all of it earlier and figure out stuff for myself but it didnt work out like that and instead ive taken everything ive ever heard and just didnt forget it..it comes up when i dont want it to and i just kinda stopped disagreeing with it i guess..no point really..mommy lives in my head and its much harder getting around what i always tell myself vs what ive heard..its all the same thing but somehow ive made it just a little bit meaner..somehow ive figured out a way to make it so i think i deserve it and would have been fine thinking that until i managed to somehow kill myself..but its not the same anymore and i dont think its fair all the time..just some of the time..and whether i think its fair or not doesnt really matter i guess because i do it all the same..i let it happen and so it still ends up being my fault.its like i wont stop until i somehow make myself win her approval..but then i have to wonder if i would be willing to die to get it...perfection comes at incredibly high costs and sometimes i wonder if ill be able to do it..sometimes im so positive that i could just do all of it and then just die because thats the way it should be..but thats not even as set in stone as it once was..i hate that it feels like ive lost my resolve to do anything i once wanted more than anything..i still want to be perfect..a lot of the time i wouldnt care if i died but not all the time anymore..things have changed and im not really sure i like it..im not sure i know what to do about it..im always asking what it is i want to do or what it is im supposed to doing and i just dont know..i can always hear what i think mommy will say or do and it really does cloud my judgement..its just there is no safety at all because im always scared..there is no getting away not really..it will always be this endless circle of wondering why im not good enough and how i can become good enough...and either way i dont win anything..i just exist for no real reason at all without really knowing what im supposed to be doing..i would rather be told what to do so i dont have to worry and then just hate that i cant decide for myself..i cant be my own person when im not always sure what it is i like or why i like it..it doesnt make sense because i dont want it too..all of it makes sense when i dont want it too and tonight wasnt the greatest night at all to just suddenly have a light go off..cleaning is just so mindless..i leave myself open to get lost in my thoughts whereever it is they go at times..for all the times ive wanted to die i wonder now if it would ever work..is there really a such thing as freedom from all of this? is there really a way out that wont kill me? its like why say no to anything..why cant i say no to anything..its because i would rather die than to say no and become the bad one again..she would hate me and never let me forget that i disagreed with something.it would come up again and again until i did wish i was dead..its happened before..i was dumb enough to say i didnt want her to call me every day..i was the selfish one and the one who didnt care..everytime she called which was still every day i got to hear again and again how ungrateful i was..its not worth the hassle .. i dont need her to tell me any of that ive already been told and i remember all of it ..kinda hard to forget when she is always there reminding me that im a complete screwup...she hasnt let me forget my first couple years of college sucked grade wise..not that she would ever tell anyone else...nope im like this completely different wonderful person when shes talking about me to someone else..i can do no wrong when im being bragged about for what little it is i manage to do..but being alone with her is like a completely different thing..its always yea you did this and this ok but it could have been better or done this way..why waste my time thinking im actually worth anything when it wont last..it never does..its always the same old thing and then im just the one who still ends up being hurt ..except then i remember to lie about all of it and make myself believe im somehow in the wrong and that its my fault and that i deserve it..and somehow its makes it easier to deal with...theres really no point to any of it i guess..maybe it would be better if i stopped trying to hard to change and not change at the same time..maybe its completely stupid to put so much effort into doing all this stuff that doesnt work..what would really be the point in not cutting or purging or doing any of that stuff..its not that it doesnt hurt but it just hasnt killed me yet..i could say im know what im doing and that it really isnt a big deal..and that as long as im not caught who would really care...if mommy found out sure i would be put in the hospital..or she would try but i know how all of that works too and it cant be done involuntary unless im suicidal or planning on killing someone else and there would be no way she would ever figure out if i was suicidal or not..i wouldnt tell her and i wouldnt tell anyone else either..no need to make a huge deal out of it for nothing..and then she would be madder at me than before..so not a big deal..wouldnt work anyway..would be easier to go into the witness protection program or something..i would just disappear like ive wanted to do for forever anyway and go away..but if somehow they found me then what? i would have to hear about how worried everyone was and how i made ruinned everything by going away...ive been told a million times that running just wont work no matter how much i want it too..least now i remember really why it is i hate who i am and my life and all this stuff..why trust myself? theres nothing left to trust