i dont have the words ....

ive been trying to write for days but my mind keeps drifting and i have been sleeping a lot and just kind of all over the place ... things are kinda not ok ..like the not ok where i handed over the klonopin to sarah because i was afraid i would take them all when i came home on wed after my appointment with the BH people ..  i was frustrated..upset..and crying and just having a hard time and angry that im having so much trouble explaining myself and being mean and rude and making it seem like i dont care ... im not doing it on purpose but i have fallen back into protection mode and i shut down and work on pushing everyone away.  i know im doing it.  i know i am struggling and i cant seem to explain just how badly i am struggling with her leaving and so i keep saying the same stuff and keep asking her to stay instead of letting her know that i am feeling incredibly abandoned and upset..ok the upset part she knows but not the abandoned part..it is hard having my small support system change and trying to maintain being ok and managing when it feels like im being left behind  and i dont know what to do...im hurt and all i know to do is to go back to not saying anything and refusing everything and just messing things up...as much as i want this to end on good terms i feel like my inability to say what is really going on will cause things to just kinda end which is not good in any way ... i keep thinking about it and trying to figure out what to say and i just get to my appointment and it all goes out the window and i end up mostly sitting in silence and just kinda being a brat ... i am trying hard to keep myself safe but at the same time i dont want to be safe...i want them to know how badly i am hurting and how much this is causing me to struggle...i want them to see that i am not okay...it is not so much for attention..but more that i cant get the words out..it is easier to just show that i am not ok..and well if i am cutting then things have reached a very high not ok point ... i want to be strong and show that i can manage but all i really want to do is cry and hide and well cut.. i am using food as an escape but it isnt really helping...it is making me feel slightly sick though..  just things are hard..very hard and i dont know where to turn right now...im talking to britney but again i think i am leaving things out...i dont fully trust her yet ..so i tell her bits and pieces ..and then completely fall apart later on over something and i feel like im just stuck ..  nothing helps currently except sleep ... and i am so very very tired ..

happy mothers day

it is not happy
i am not happy
im actually very on edge
my thoughts run away with me
i am trying to stay busy
occupied, distracted
but every empty moment
brings on more thoughts and sadness
more tears and heartache
i did what was expected of me
and now i am done with the day
but i cant escape it
everything reads happy mothers day
and i feel like i am alone
and stuck in my grief

so very tired

im feeling very down and tearful right now...i look through facebook and everything is about how happy and loved mothers are ..and i just want to cry...it hurts because it is not that way with mommy ..and i keep trying to make it that way and i keep failing and it just hurts me.. i feel no joy with mothers day..i feel a lot of sadness and hurt and shame and fear .. but not joy or happiness... oh yes i sent her a card and i will call and talk to her tomorrow and pretend so hard that i am ok and all of that.. but my heart breaks as i remember what she has done to me..things she has said to me..and it doesnt make sense .. i dont want to ruin any one elses day though and so im keeping quiet ...

thankfully our plans with sarah have been changed to sunday so that will keep me a bit busy at least for part of the day..

i just want so much to hide away from the day and stuff down the feelings that are coming up... :(

there has been a lot of stress this week..and i guess im just really tired right now from all of it..like being up and moving and doing stuff is tiring anyway..but add in class and stress to the point of being sick about the test...which i passed by the way...and the finding out that sarah, my behavioral health person is leaving in a couple weeks ..and i just kinda shut down and shut her out ..  some financial stuff and worried about money and things ...but sarah (my sarah) keeps reassuring me that we will manage and make it through..i have been allowing myself to get more comfort from her in the midst of all of this going on..

but i have been sleeping a lot again ... im just worried ... very worried about things and my moods and emotions are all over the place ...  like i said..im just tired ..

im not bipolar and ill never have insurance

if i wasnt so absolutely sure i wasnt bipolar then the major mood swings would just really piss me off...right now im going back and forth and so im currently pissed off but i dont know why..im angry and i dont know for what..a half hour ago i was depressed and frustrated ..and i swear my eyes are going screwy and i swear i keep seeing things.. like just little flashes of light..or i think i see something moving right outside of my line of vision..i cant figure out if its getting worse or not but it certainly makes me feel crazy..

i guess i am feeling hopeless right now...every since the repeal on obamacare ..i have been feeling so hopeless and frustrated and at a loss of what to do..no i dont currently have insurance becuase it was to expensive..but now the choice is being taken away from me in that i cant get coverage without paying even more or not qualifying at all because of pre exisiting conditions... and to be honest ALL of my conditions are listed on the list..every last one of them..  and its not just the physical ones..its the mental ones that have been added now and it feels like it is all just stacking up against me..like there is no hope at all ... how am i supposed to stay healthy and care when im being told that the government could care less about me and my conditions..if i thought it was expensive before then i may as well just never go get care anywhere because i cant afford it...it truly feels like my death warrant has been signed, sealed and delivered and now they are just waiting for me to kick the bucket because that is all that is left..right now i am worried for myself and im sorry if that makes me selfish...i have to pay for things out of pocket as it is...and any insurance hope i may have been holding out for has just been completely pulled from under me and i feel stuck...i feel vulnerable..i feel so so very helpless ..  and i am left asking what is the point ...why try when i can turn on the news and end up with the impression that i dont matter at all ... that not only does my physical stuff limit me..but now my mental stuff does as well ... what am i supposed to think?  i am not living off the government, i work, i pay my taxes , i do everything im damn well told i am supposed to do..but my healthcare doesnt matter at all to any of the rich assholes making all of these decisions .. it makes me sad..i am sad..
and i dont know what else to say..so im just going to go and lay down

everything is triggering

right now i feel like everything is becoming a trigger and i am just stuck and frustrated with myself because i cant seem to make things stop..i feel stupid that i cant seem to keep my mood under control..i cant even finish writing this.   i give up

restless and anxious

sometimes the restlessness, the anxiety just feels like being a bird stuck in a room and you are just going back and forth repeatedly..looking for something? a way out? an escape? but you keep getting distracted..you keep going back and forth..and nothing sticks..nothing is concrete..you look but cant hold on to anything..random directions are thrown at you but you dont understand..you dont hear..and it doesnt stop..not until you crash

today was a struggle to maintain any type of focus...today stands out because i had class this morning..i struggled to get out of the door on time..and then struggled to remain present in class..but i kept getting distracted..i keep apologizing for taking so long to write notes because my attention wavered so much..i wanted to talk and ask question and that made me think and stop and restart all over again.. its like an energy drink that was never drunk..my thoughts run in circles ..they run into each other and crash and burn only to create new thoughts and ideas that have even crazier patterns of no direction..

i came home and took something to help with calming the anxiety, and slowing my thoughts down.. before i self combusted and im feeling much calmer now..but it is just ugh..so hard to explain