hmmm

keep wanting to write..but dont know what to say

im not liking this week much because theres no therapy cas its a holiday..and i dont even like therapy so it bothers me that i get this upset when i cant go..

guess thats all for now

things are changing...

i just want to scream im so frustrated right now...with work stuff..it shouldnt take 2 and a half hours to get dressed and shower..it shouldnt and im so upset with my cl...i really really am..and she just isnt getting it and its all just frustrating and hard today

lots of worrying going on today..

showed t my journal yesterday..thought i was going to die..waiting for her to read it..but she did and now she knows a bit more .. and im not sure what i think about that..it makes me nervous..but i did it..and they are moving offices..and im not going at all next week cas of the holiday..so worried about that too..and hoping ill be ok..

restless night last night. couldnt sleep, didnt want to sleep, i dont know which one it really was but was up until after 2. started to feel really closed in and trapped and something was bothering me but i didnt know what it was. it was hard to put a finger on and ended up going and sitting outside for an hour at 1 in the morning. i couldnt feel my fingers anymore by the time i came back inside but just sat outside and wrote and i was even afraid of writing last night. i think a lot of it was just fear about everything that is going on, trying to write to let t know what is going on becuase im really doubting the ability to say it. maybe if she knows it will be easier, maybe it wont be, maybe ill still go and sit and stare at the floor for an hour for the next month and it wont matter what she does or doesnt know. but she keeps telling me she wants me to be comfortable and feel safe and i just dont know what to tell her to make it better. and then its just harder because i get stuck an stop listening and stop thinking about what shes asking me. i cant answer her if im not even paying attention anymore. i dont know is my default answer to everything she asks. i dont really remember what i wrote about last night but it took an awful long time to write it. but i think it was important at the same time. i think it may have been something about refusing to accept things, and not being ok.

maybe im not as ok as i think i am, since t the other day the sadness is the most overwhelming thing. last night it was a little more than sadness because i just stood and looked at all of mommys meds from her surgerys and wanted to just take the vailum. and yea that prompted the sitting outside and writing instead of staying inside. rather freeze than take the pills, and it wouldnt have been an overdose or anything because well there were only 2 pills in the bottle but thats because every so often ill go and take one for the hell of it and just sleep the day away. but today its just back to the neverending sadness. but im at work and well yea thats all i can account for is that im at work..

more issues with the bank this morning and my lack of paying attention at times, and wanting stuff i dont need and cant afford is starting to become a bigger issue. i hate the overdraft fees and it really doesnt matter if its accidental or not that just me losing money. and my next paycheck is beyond depressing and just lots of worries about money again. i hate money.

no..the world hasnt ended just yet

this has been a semi hard weekend..it was a hard week..but just being stuck at home with no distractions is the hard thing..no babysitting just kinda traps me in the house and i cant really get/find the motivation to go anywhere..so ive been home today and yesterday and both days mommy just wouldnt let up and leave me alone..im trying so hard to deal with it and let it go and ignore it and its not that easy :(..but trying and not cutting is something i guess...3 months last week with no cutting..hard to believe because i think ive gone past the longest ive ever done..i dont think ive ever made it more than 3 months before..the urge to cut is lessening a bit and i am glad for that..i really am because i still feel so guilty for wanting it..its confusing..and friday was so weird but in a good way because by the time i got home i was feeling ok..no worries..no fears..no anxiety or anything..my head was empty but not in a bad way or anything..it was nice to just feel ok and be ok and not worried..and its been up and down since then but no huge issues...just small ones ...and chatting last night did help calm my nerves alot..

but with that not worrying i had lots of fre time to think about so many different things..and i watched this movie that was really good but one of the arguments that they had in the movie was how the kid was so worried about hurting his mom that he was going to end upp giving up his dream..and he talked about how he didnt want to look back on his life in regret and i wondered if that is what im doing..but ive thoguht about it and no i dont regret my life..yea there are things/mistakes i wish i hadnt done but i dont think i would go back and change my life..even in all its suckiness i think i owuld keep my life..so no not regret but i kinda view my life iwth a whole lot of sadness..i wish i had stuck up for myself more..i wish i had said what i thought, found out what it is i liked in life...and its like i have to do it now but now there so much other stuff to work through to figure out who i am and what i want..but thats the key isnt it ? figuring out, knowing what i want and being able to be confident in it..i havent figured that out yet..seems so simple...you know..knowing what you want ..and just going for out..but trying to find it is so hard..because it should be there and it most likely is but getting to it is a whole nother story..

and then i started to wonder if im doing the right thing..if working on all this stuff is a good idea..will it make a difference? is it worth it?

but yea thats what ive been thinking about this weekend..

and hmm actually started talking with t last week...thought i was going to die ..seriously i was fidgeting all over the place..i couldnt focus..and it was really upsetting talking and trying so hard to get words out..but i did for a bit and then as usual i got to a certain point and just couldnt get anything else out..and then she took over and started talking and reassuring..and it helped but i dont think anything can make the fear go away...and she told me before i left that i didnt need to go and punish myself for talking..that i didnt need to go and cut or think about dying..that it was ok..which shocked me into thinking about something else completely..because i do think that underneath it all i think i was thinking that on some level..that i was bad and had to be punished..that i had to cut because thats the only thing that would help..that would make it better...and i was soo scared and upset when i left..just about everything.and i was worried i would go and do something stupid..or that i wouldnt be safe with myself ..and i havent cut..i didnt do anything..yea it helped that i had to go to a work thing after i left her..cas good grief it got me completely sidetracked..i had to talk and interact and i wasnt just stuck in my head..and i did feel more settled at least by the time i left and went home..still a bit on edge..but was a lot better..and so in one sense ive been alot better..headwise this weekend than ive been in such a long time..so maybe thats a good thing..i dont know..i wonder if i talking really was the deciding factor ..like make it or break it..and it is so hard to deal with ..talk or not talk..and i talked and well i didnt die in the process..but i dont know still...still really worried about it..

but gotta go and get dressed..cas going to dinner with mommy and her friend and im not to interested in going but need to get out of the house..so guess ill go and sit in silence for a couple hours..

....

worried about t tomorrow...worried that will go to t and it will be another hour of almost complete silence on my part :( its like all this stuff is there to say and cant say it and t is ending up guessing in a way and i cant seem to give a straight answer on anything.. afraid to give her the journal because alot of the writing is turning into this back and forth dialouge and i dont know how to explain it cas it just happens ...and most of what has been writing lately is about cutting or dying...and supposed to be thinking about trust and something else that ive forgotten...and it makes me feel bad because we do trust t..but maybe i dont trust her enough..but how come knowing i trust her isnt enough? she hasnt done or said anything to make me think otherwise...and she isnt pushing the hospital or even meds on me..and heck i even call when things get really bad..and still thats not enough i dont think..but i dont know what is missing or what it is that i need...and she trusts me to stick to my contract and everything and then i do feel bad cas she does all this talking about stuff and im just thinking about ways to get out of the contract or wanting to tell her its not her fault if anything happens..or a constant no to her questions and things she says..and i know that some of it is just automatic responses..and some of it is just refusing to hear what she is saying right then..im just scared that i will go and see her and one of these days she will tell me that she is tired of trying to get it out of me and that i cant be helped or fixed or whatever

thinking..

ive decided ...

no im not going to va with yvonne..to visit yes..to stay and live together again..no not right now.. im just not wanting to live with someone else again .. i miss having my own place, i miss my space to do whatever i want..

if i move now..i want to go back to asheville..i really do..but im not actively looking for a job up there either..because yes i want to move but i dont really have to move that far away..and if i move ill stop therapy and now prolly isnt the best time for that. so i will keep looking for a job around here but i am going to wait until after dec to start more indepth again...just right now isnt the best time to add on more stress ... it will just make me more stressed out and i cant deal with any more stress right now..

i want to go back to grad school..but i want to give it another year at least..maybe two before i tackle that issue..but i do want to go..i will go back to school. i dont know what i want to do just yet but i am going to go back.

im not going to be at home for christmas .. im going with yvonne to her grandparents..and i let mommy know today the dates and everything and so she knows i wont be here..and she is ok with it..for now anyway..shes ok with it..and so thats one less thing for me to worry about..i am a bit worried about going and being ok..but ill try to save that until we actually leave and go there..this will be the first time ive ever not been at home for christmas..its odd..and does make me nervous..and because of going out of town..i know now isnt the time to get hooked into a new job either and then take off for a week...im ok with waiting ..until after the holidays..maybe it will help take off some of the stress..but if i wait then i know i have got to catch up on paperwork stuff...

but i will make a goal so that i dont forget..that by feb i want another job..i will have my 2 years experience...maybe ill be ok with moving possibly farther away from my therapist now and being ok with starting over..but for now ill just have to deal with being at home and just keep going to therapy..and hoping that ill let her help me..

i really hope ill let her help me

i wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

--

i got this in an email yesterday and i have read it countless times since then..it makes me think i guess..because yes i always want more..i always want what i dont have, what i cant have..but im not fine with what i do have..i ignore what i have in hopes of getting more, im hopes of getting something better..and that is not fair at all..because then i end up ignoring all the people that do care about me, i miss out on a lot of the fun, happy things i do because im always so intent on planning for whats happening next..for wanting so much more..and i understand its fine to want more..to want the best..but not at the cost of forgetting what it is you do have..and i think ive gotten so caught up in wanting to get better..to be better..to be like everyone else that i just dont pay attention to who i am..i dont know who i am..who i am has just gotten lost in the shuffle of staying alive and making it through the day..its like i dont have time to be myself because im always trying to be someone else..to live up to someone elses expectations of me..its not fair to me..im missing out on my life..and no this isnt the only reason but it is a big one..because underneath all of this is whether or not i like myself..if i am putting enough time into being ok with who i am..and i know i dont..i dont like myself..i dont like who i am or what i did..im not trying at all to like myself ..im trying a little harder to give myself a break..to not criticize so much..but still no where near being ok with myself or liking myself..and its not fair you know..

but again i know its one of those things that i have to decide..i have to be ok with..and accept and live with..

accept that im not like everyone else..its ok to be sad or happy or hurt or angry without needing to act on the impulses..

its up to me..and i just take a bit longer to figure things out..

what do i wish for myself? what is it that i want to do?

..

whats the right thing to do ?


i dont know

just..i dont know

just keep thinking..im tired .. i dont want to do this anymore.. i dont want any of this anymore..

went to therapy yesterday instead of today..because i actually called and left a message for her..and she let me come yesterday..and we talked about a lot of stuff..

i asked her why she cared..and if she trusted me..

she asked if i trusted her...and i told her i did and i do..but i think all she told me before i left about her caring was what i needed to hear the most..because yes i was thinking..planning on a way to get out of the safety plan thing..and she said she respects that i want to try to work on all of this with out going to the hospital..which calmed my nerves alot..also told her i was really worreid that she would be mad at me..and we talked about that a lot too..she did a lot of reminding me that it was ok to talk to her..ok to be there..that she couldnt tell anyone..outside of the suicidal stuff if i had a plan and hurting someone else..which i do understand..but left her feeling calmer at least..not so great today but will continue to try..

think will be doing a lot of writing today..tomorrow..over the weekend..

writing isnt the same as talking...i can write..its ok to write..its not ok to talk though..its just not..and if i dont tell her she doesnt know what to say to make it better or help me make it better..

lots to think about

-sigh-

just tired
drained

a part of me has just given up completely and i dont know how to get it back..

also talked about me moving to va..with yvonne...something else i think about but am afraid to commit too...cas i think it could be a possibility..but im not sure i want a roommate again..no i wouldnt mind her..but just in general..im not sure i can deal with it...living near her fine..but not together..but just the thought of moving makes me stop breathing..crap today almost lead me to having a panic attack and its been a couple years since ive been that stressed out..ha it was around the time i graduated..and moved..but anyway..i have been thinking about it some...and refusing it just as quickly..im not even sure what my argument is...

:(

today really has been a very not so good day..

most of the day i just fought off crying because things were so overwhelming..

woke up before 5 again..still not used to the time change yet...throwing off my sleep schedule...

today has been one of those days where everything is just going wrong..i keep losing everything..it takes me a million tries to get things out of my car because i cant remember what im supposed to be doing..my computer isnt working right and now i cant even get my work stuff off of it..the usb port isnt working and so it wont read my flash drive or my printer and this morning i figure this out at like 6:30 and its like freaking a this cant be happening..but the one time in weeks i actually try to get my work stuff in on time and some of the late stuff i cant even get my computer to work..and its just frustrating because now its turned into this huge deal and my comp works on wireless but not at home so i cant even stay home and email all my work to myself just to go and hope i can print it all off somewhere..without having to pay for it..and almost was ready to cry because it was so overwhleming..and then i got a message about some bank stuff and that was a loss of a good amount of money cas i wasnt paying good attention to what was in the bank and ..yea its just a crappy crappy day..and the longer it goes on the more i just want to say screw it and go back to bed..

went to t..and really almnost regretting i didnt back out of it..but that would have made me feel even more guilty..talked some about the crappy day..and how everything just isnt working out today..talked some about cutting..managed to confuse the t because i cant completely tell anything all at once and so its like piecing it all together without knowing where the pieces are..like t mentioned last week..but eventually i got around to telling her that umm things werent ok without the cutting..and then it was like shut down time in my head...and i kept thinking that if i said anything else something bad would happen..spent a heck of a lot of time looking at her door...trying not to cry..finally told her that i didnt know what to say cas i was worried she would be mad at me..and then stopped talking completely..listened to her for a bit..and then got to leave..she asked me to think about it more..and that we would talk about it next time..but may not be going on fri if she has to go out of town..and not sure even how i really am..lost in thoughts a million miles away..a lot of fear going around..upset feelings for saying anything..and its like im calling myself a big mouth but darnit but i said for the entire hour wouldnt even add up to like 20 mins :-/ justt feeling really lonely and upset...but once again no clear idea why...