im incredibly pissed off at myself right now...i went to actually look for the inforrmation i had printed off about all the apartments im considering and i cant find any of it..after thinking back to wher ei left them and what i had been doing im pretty sure ive thrown them all away..accidently or not it is depressing ..i put a lot of time into searching for all that information and i all i have to do is reprint it but its going to take a lot of time..and i did it once im not thrilled to have to do it again..it has to be done though and it just sucks big time..cant believe i was dumb enough to throw it away..and i know i must have stuck it back in my folder and i could swear i looked through it before i threw it away and i just cant find them..so its just there gone and i suck and i have to go and refind all of it..maybe im just in a bad mood or something right now..cas everything is really bothering the heck out of me..i was writing this morning and it completely stole what energy i had..funny how writing can be draining when im not doing anything but just writing and thinking..but it is tiring in its own way..the same way therapy is tiring when you arent doing anything but talking or in my case thinking and not talking..just im starting to get scared about graduation and because im trying hard to pretend im not its coming out in different ways i guess...all of it sucks a lot right now..starting to get slightly overwhelming again..not breakdown inducing but just starting to not want to do anything to stop from dealing with everything...yvonne wont be going to my graduation which i found out last night too..and its cas she has an exam so its not a big deal..still hurts though that everyone is busy and cant come..right now i dont think anyone will be at the awards ceremony with me..just mommy on friday and maybe mommy, nia and henry on saturday...not a big deal..its not like im important or anything at all..im just feeling stupid and i dont know..cant figure out a bad enough word without ugh i just dont know..im distracted a lot right now and i keep losing track of what im writing ..dusti is laying next to me going back and forth between wanting to be petted and being content just cleaning herself..shes got a paw stuck in my robe and doesnt seem to mind it all actually..shes a funny little cat and yet she does calm me down some..prolly cas watching her makes me laugh..im thinking shes gonna roll herself right off the bed if she keeps licking that hard..anyway..was thinking this morning when i woke up early yet again in a sad mood about stuff from being younger...same few memories popping in my head and ive stopped trying to figure them out but thinking about them makes me wonder all the same..and its hard wondering about what im not sure about..because i want to make myself believe nothing happened and some of it i just know happened..and its is saddening in a huge way..was thinking about my ever changing eating habits too..im not a vegetarian anymore and i dont care but i worry about what other ppl will think of me because of it..like anyone really cares what i eat or dont eat but all the same im worried..like ive disappointed everyone in some big way because ive decided i dont want to be a vegetarian anymore..its doesnt make sense to me to do it if i dont want to and i dont..but still it worries me..im juts stupid about some things i guess..and for that reason i havent bothered mentioning it to anyone yet..its not fair that im stuck judging myself by how everyone else will see me..takes a lot of work doing that..im afraid ill start crying..noticed that yesterday too while i was with prof dunn..i dont want to cry and im not sure ill last through all the graduations without crying..doesnt mean i wont try..im back to threatening myself in my head again..does add a level of humor to my life..im terrified of guns and i use it all the time to threaten myself knowing i dont have one and would never use one...just it works at deverting my attention until i can calm my nerves down..off thinking about something else again...for some reason a lot of remembering is going on in my head today..its making me want to just hide somewhere and forget all of it..
i think nowhere is a place..empty of everything..and thats where we are..a place where no one can get to me
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