job confirmations

Well…things on the job front are moving along … at a fast pace really…we are looking to transfer after vacation..to a smaller store…a slower store … where we will be able to do more and be more and feel more needed and more appreciated … but i talked to the pharmacist the other day about the situation and about how i have been struggling and frustrated … and later i got a text about yes i would be able to transfer over to them..so that was the first good news…
then i had my quarterly review at my main store and i got a raise !!! how cool is that … i got a good review too …gotta work on increasing my speed and of course work on passing my test and all of that … but it was good.. i actually spoke up about the unfairness of the job board that we have to follow during the day and how i am always stuck on drive thru or pick up and some people are never on those two..not naming names ..but the manager listened and all of that and said that she spoke to them about making the board more fair and all of that so …we will see how it goes …
but this was good news..for a friday lol…good job news for a change anyway..

finally

so things are finally going to maybe ease up for me … the new morning aide may be starting within the next week and i am so excited …oh my gosh i am getting so excited … because then some of the pressure will be taken off of me and then i will be able to focus on other things and do other things or just get some rest before going to work or cook or do nothing for a while … yes .. do nothing … the end is in sight .. omg there will  finally be some help again…
today is monday … and then that of course means back to work and all of that fun stuff … im working at three stores this week …working 40 hours and all of helping sarahs hours and of course living life so as you can see ..the extra help is needed big time …
but other than that things are moving along as expected..got through yesterday but im glad therapy is tomorrow .. so very glad .. i need to empty my brain .. because yesterday was rough and its been a while since ive had a day that has been so rough …

birthdays and sadness

I have a thing for birthdays...I love them now...I make a big deal out of them and last year  I had some of the best surprises and cakes ever.
But my heart breaks for Curvon, my godson..his birthday is this weekend and the boy has been asking to have a hotel party for weeks and i talked to his mom the other day and she tells me that she hasnt made any plans for his birthday.   That he doesnt really have any friends to have a hotel party or a sleepover or anything..and it hurts my heart.  He is turning 9.  He should have a chance to do something that he wants to do and have a good time and be the center of attention for a little while you know...and instead he get pushed to the side again ... his wishes are not granted ... he doesnt get what he wants and it hurts me...

so i talked to sarah and told her what was going on and we were planning to go out of town anyway this weekend ..to the beach...and i asked her if he could come with us because he wasnt having a party or anything for his birthday and she said he could and so i talked to his mom and got everything squared away..and got the okay and he is coming with us for the weekend.  im happy because he has never been to the beach..im happy because he is going out of town for his birthday..because it will be another new experience for him..i just want him to know that he is loved and important and wanted..
how many lost and forgotten birthdays do i not remember ?  how many parties where i had no friends to invite ?  when was i the center of attention for a little while ??? i dont remember ... sigh....  i wish i could ...
it just makes me sad ... for me .. and for him ..

life with weight watchers

a lot of things have changed lately...all of them are mostly health related..i guess the biggest thing is that i joined weight watchers and got rid of the bread in the house! im still working on finding the balance with eating right and eating healthier ..some days are super good and some days are barely manageable..i need much more work with meal prep and things like that...im working to do low carb eating and the plan is to get myself at less than 50 grams of carbs a day...so i have my work cut out for me ... im less than where i was ..but still not consistently getting less than 50..so im working on it..
work is going well and im learning more .. my confidence is not there though .. i keep second guessing myself a lot with using the computers part of things..but my customer service is excellent :D
Things are going ok though..over all ok..a lot of crazy work hours and a lot of extra sleeping...doc increased the abilify which im fine with and i still hate the metformin as its making me sick again..but im actually trying this time harder because i dont want to be put on insulin...

low day

just having a low self esteem kinda day....yeah

finally !

i signed up for health insurance today !!!  go me!  i am proud of myself today.

6 months

i have been given 6 months ...
6 months to lose weight
6 months to make life changing choices
6 months to make things different
6 months to reverse the chance that i have to have  talk about being put on insulin
6 months ....6 months before my next appointment with the endocrinologist..i asked and he agreed but the agreement is that if i dont make the changes ..then he will..if i dont come back in 6 months with some differences going on...with my a1c coming down some points...with things looking better all around then he will talk to me seriously about putting me on insulin...because while i haven't truly gained weight..i havent lost any either...which made me freakin happy as hell ..but i havent lost any ....ugh ...the goal is to lose not maintain.. so a lot of changes will have to be made....a lot of choices will have to be made ....a lot of just a lot will have to be made..
i guess the big question is do i believe in myself enough to do it....

i wish

There are nights like tonight where i wish i could just anticipate better how to handle the brokenness that is me..i wish i could tell when it was coming to rear its ugly head and i wish i knew how to stop it in its tracks and turn it around and send it packing in the other direction…i wish i knew what to say to explain why sometimes i just need the silence because things are to loud in my head..and so i just sit and do nothing for hours at a time.  I dont get online, i dont read or play games, I just lay down and sleep or lay down and semi dream things that make no sense to me for hours on end…i wish i knew how to handle the somatic symptoms and that the meds worked 100% of the time and i didnt have days that leave me floundering like a fish out of water searching for a way to just survive.  i just wish some days to be anyone other than me, because being me is a little hard right now and i am feeling a little bit lost in the shuffle ..

Vday Gifts from Sarah

She got a friend of hers to make them for me :) :) :) :)  I absolutely love them !!!

Benefits.

With the promotion and the updating of my information..i will be able to apply for benefits...full benefits sometime in march and be fully covered by the middle of april !!!   im so excited...this year has really truly started on a positive note ... im so proud of myself :) ..now to just keep it going and continue to work on myself...yep

Xena, Kai, and Gizmo

anxious mind and food again

i still havent heard back about starting my pharmacy classes and it is making me anxious ...did  i fail something ?  is my background screwed up? did i do something wrong or not do something that i was supposed to do...why am i still waiting and it has been a week now...more than a week actually and ive heard absolutely nothing...im worried and tired and nervous and that just makes me more tired ... i hate waiting ..my mind runs away with me and im struggling to maintain my thoughts and not go overboard with the worrying ...

food is still an issue..a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig one..and im tired of myself really...i want so much to just be able to eat and be ok but i cant...so i obsess and plan and plot and try and fail and cry and get frustrated every single day... my new obsession is the keto lifestyle ..which is basically low carb..but higher in fat eating choices...like i can eat eggs and bacon and cheese but no grains or sugar or anything...it is blowing my mind really...but i am working to cut carbs down...so something has to fuel me and make me not hungry....i dont know if its the right idea but i keep researching it and learning about it...i know i need to do low carb because carbs are my down fall and i am diabetic so im not supposed to really be eating so much sugar anyway...im thinking by feb ill have nixed carbs like bread carbs anyway and just keep taking things a day at a time...

ive been adulting a lot lately...i mean between work and paying bills and all of that im just busy and worn out... did i mention im going to look back into going to the rec center or rva swim..i really need a new bathing suit..so maybe the rec center should be first since it is closer and i can go early in the morning...but anyway ..errands and food shopping and bills and doc appointments...my bp is getting more under control but of course bp is related to weight and my weight needs to come down...

really i want to have more energy and be able to ride the rides at disney world when we go..i know this probably makes me completely shallow but i do want to ride the rides and not feel embarrassed...that is what i want with my entire being .. i mean there is of course more things that i want like being able to wear my clothes correctly and not have to by bigger sizes because i keep gaining weight ..no i have plans ..a lot of plans and at the middle of it all is losing weight ..a.nd surprisingly it is all coming from me..not someone outside of me telling me what to do...or telling me how to be or anything ...this time ...for the first time this is me and my ideas and my wants and my plans...im scared i will go overboard but i have sarah to keep me sane ..and ill talk about it with britney too...but i just know that i have to do this ...i have to be able to adopt a baby at some point and have the energy to keep up with him or her...i need to strengthen my body because even getting sarah up is starting to drain me and i need to be able to do that ... there are so many little pieces that are commenting together to make a big picture and i have so much to plan for and well live for ...

because it is constantly on my mind i know i have already decided but i am still in the planning stage..i need more info..i need a plan..a starting plan..and a starting place..

Promotion

I started off the new year by putting in my application for a promotion...i heard back a few days later and was able to accept the promotion pending a background and drug test of course...and it comes with a raise!!!

i am waiting for those to come back in as the weather has been suckish and so i was a little late with the whole drug test thing...

all that being said i am actually starting back in the pharmacy tomorrow ! IM so nervous and scared about it...I know the people who work back there but I dont know them like i know the front store people...im used to the front store..i know what the expectations are ..what im supposed to do and everything..but in the pharmacy i feel like im a fish without water...i dont know them and im not comfortable with them...ive worked back there a couple days but nothing like what ill be starting tomorrow...and so i am nervous and already feeling lonely...

i know ill get used to it with time...but it is so hard starting something new..being with new people and having to find where i fit in with them..im not the most talkative but i do like being talked to ..and i guess i have to remember that they do not know me either...so it is rough..

Either way i start full time tomorrow in the pharmacy and the other side of that is that i have to retake the pharmacy classes and do a lot of online classes and stuff too and that is anxiety producing all on its own...i know i can do it ..but having to do all that work all over again and it makes my brain hurt...i plan to complete all the work and of course test for my national certification..this is important to me because my goal is to work with the robots at the hospital and to do that i need my national certification...

i have so many plans you know...so many opportunities with this...this is the first time in a very long time that i have gotten a promotion...and im just shy of my 3 month mark at my current job..

my faith in myself is shaky at best ..so this is a big big deal.

i hope i manage tomorrow...i really do...

Hello 2018

well 2017 came to a close a couple days ago and 2018 is here to stay.

i honestly feel like last year came with a lot of growth and understanding and experiences.

I feel like i rejoined the land of the living for the first time in my life with the help of the correct medications.  i feel like i have grown in the understanding of who i am and made new friends because of it.  I tried new things, went to new places, got a freaking car! lost people, gained people, and continued to live throughout the process of well everything..

My hope is that 2018 will continue to allow my to grow and keep learning to understand and accept myself as i am.

I am good enough, I am loved, I have friends and a partner who accept me.  I would say I am starting the year off on the right foot.  It may be a slightly shakey foot, but well Im starting.

“And God said, ‘Love thy enemy,’ so I obeyed him, and loved myself.” – Kahlil Gibran