go figure

now i cant sleep...an hour ago i was ready to go to bed with little problem..and now im not as tired anymore..watched the last half of a movie and did some stuff around the house and i guess it woke me up some...im still tired but ok..lol not a big deal at all and when im done with this ill prolly just watch ratatouille and fall asleep anyway..nia eventually asked if i wanted to go out with her and her bf and i said no because then i would have just been the tag along and it wouldnt have been a lot of fun for me because i would have just felt like i was in the way..and its been forever ince ive been around her friends and im not in a hang out mood..so im home alone and tonight its not sure a big deal and im enjoying the quietness..not like the other night at all..

still a couple ohurs till midnight and already the internet is just plastered with ads about losing weight and how to get the perfect body and what to do to lose weight and all this stuff and it makes me want to just scream..as if i dont have enough stuff to worry about i get suckered into reading all these articles i really dont care about at all and just click because i have alittle obsession with losing weight that comes and goes but for now its fairly present in my mind..and im not into big time obsessing just yet but i know its just hanging out on the edges of my mind...and im really trying not to start b/p'ing again..i keep telling myself itt hurts and its a waste..but for what its worth im slowly lowering what and how much im eating..because its pretty obviouus i havent been doing the best with keeping track of it..and i hate saying i didnt care but i really didnt..and saying i care now is pushing it..its more like i just need somewhere to focus my extra attention for a while...and im even making it reasonably managable and just making outrageous goals for the heck of it and watching as i fail ..as if i need something else to yell at myself about..the part of me that just hates eating and food and all that is having a field day right about now...and given today is new years eve i didnt eat as much as i thought i would and stuck fairly decently to what i had planned with some extra stuff thrown in..but not horrible and im not going to be a spazz and start writing down everything i eat here..i have a food journal..one of my older ones and im kinda attached to it..and i kinda like what i have in it..so i just started adding to it again..just have to keep track of it and make sure i dont leave it laying around anywhere..im sure someone else would not be pleased with whats in it..but whatever..its mine..and i say that until someone else sees it and then ill just be in a heck of a lot of trouble..but i got an email a couple weeks ago from a ed group i was in for a good while..and i had completely forgotten about both of those groups.but when i got the email i remembered all the girls i talked to and that i missed them and wondered how they were doing..and it took a couple weeks to get up the nerve to go and check the group out and its like holy cow ive missed the girls i knew..not really getting into the background of the group..i wonder why it is i went back..i didnt have to and i certainly took my time but i still went back..i keep thinking there is some reason behind but im reaally being careful to stay out of the ana/mia boards...i just check the more general stuff for now but still i was welcomed back all the same..and it was nice

hmmm that aside...new years resoultions..ive been thinking about if i should make some and of course i did lol..duh..tried to make them easier and more to the point i guess..no point in making them if im just doing it tosay i did..that would kinda be besides the point...so my resloutions are
- Work on my diet and develop a healthier lifestyle

- Set up a time line for getting back into therapy

- find an outdoors activity to do in free time (on weekends)

- Join a group to meet new people/ take a class on something that interests me

-to be happier

dont know yet how to even work on the last one but i figured i should add it in anyway..didnt really work out last year but maybe it will this time around..so now i can stop stressing about having new years resolutions..i wonder who even started that whole thing..

tomorrow is the first day of 08..i really wonder what the year will bring..i wonder what will happen..how ill handle things and i guess the big one is if ill be ok..i hope i will be..and i know the longer im at home the more managable it will get...but still the stress of being here is hard to deal with..it feels like ill never be able to be stable becuase of just everything..bouncing around from mood to mood..first thing of course and more important is finding a job so i can get out of the house..

oh well
guess im dont rambling

2007

1. Describe the best day of 2007.

- my week in key west just flat out rocked and i remember most of it. sure it was spent in a drunken haze but i rememeber it..and ill always remember jim looked out for me even surrounded by bunches of gay guys in all the gay bars :)..and that all the drag queens knew my name after a couple days ..and all the scandalous pictures lol

- and going to cumberland island was a lot of fun and it was the best group trip ever..and i got to see the sunrise on the ocean and see all the wild horses and i had to keep reminding myself i couldnt have one! and hunting for seashells :)


2. Describe the worst day of 2007.

- when granny died

- the meeting at my job

3. Are you happier now than you were last year at this time.

- no idea really..different set of stresses this time last year and i had to go back and reread my blog a bit to even remember what they were! i dont know if im happy


4. How is your mental health now compared to 3 years ago? 5 years ago?

- some better i guess..not really sure though..god what was i even doing five years ago?! im pretty sure i was in college and having a hard time of things five years ago..so i guess im a bit better now than i was then

5. What was the biggest life lesson you learned this year?

- hmm i learned life goes on whether you want it to or not ..and trying to go away doesnt help at all..because eventually you have to come back and everything is still there waiting ..

6. What was the biggest change you saw in yourself this year?

- i dont know..maybe im not as naive about the world anymore..things arent always going to be great just because i want them to be..

- ive grown up some...i managed a niight of being around a bunch of ppl skinnydipping without dying of embarrasment..i wasnt looking but i stayed lol

7. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the best, rate 2007.

- 5 ...some good stuff..some bad stuff

8. Tell us about someone new and important that came into your life this year.

n/a

9. Did you take any special trips this year? If so, what was the most significant one?

- i went to charleston sc as a graduation present with a friend and it was a lot of fun.. i would like to go back again..and of course the IMAX rocked big time !

- key west fla and cumberland island

10. Do you think 2008 will be better or worse?

- it has to be better...i want it to be better..but that is going to take a lot of work from me too...ill have to keep reminding myself of that..

another day..rantish mood

its really a miserable day outside..i think im forgetting what the sun looks like i havent seen it in so long..geez normally im not big on saying the weather effects my mood but after 4 days of rain and greyness im not so sure...when i woke up this morning and it was raining i wasnt enjoying it much..but now its not raining but it is just gray and overcast and ick..oh well i know its supposed to be cold and all but its raining and it feels like its 70 degrees outside! getting a big headache...stuck doing laundry at this minute and when i got up this morning and started sorting the laundry it just really bothered me...not that i was doing it but that i was doing it without being asked because it needed to be done..i hate how easy it is to slip into mother mode and start cleaning or cooking dinner or doing laundry and not really realizing whats behind it..because im certainly not doing it because i want to! i hate cleaning and i do it without really thinking about it because thats what i know im supposed to do..i know if i left it till the last minute mommy may come home early or something and then there will be hell to pay for not doing it in the first place..shes out of town and yet i still think she can just pop up at any moment and start yelling about how lazy and stupid i am for not cleaning when i knew it had to be done..the day she comes home im sure ill be making sure everything is done and put away..sigh maybe when i get home ill lay down for a while..tired all of a sudden and i know i slept last night after a while..gotta find some old magazines so i can work on a collage tonight..it will keep me busy at least ! since i know it will take a little while to get a hold of all the pictures i want to use i can go to the store another day..besides just looking for pictures means i have to focus hard enough and these days it takes a lot to keep my focus on anything!

hmm i watched a video on youtube today about the secret thing and im not sure yet what i think about it..i want to just say it cant be that easy but part of me wonders..i mean no im not a pessimist or anything but im not always so positive about stuff and it would take more than just 20 mins of a video to change my mind about anything..but parts of it got my attention at least..ill have to look at it more and of course think about it for a good while before i can figure it out..maybe i should check out the book too since i work better when im reading something..

i finished my book this morning and the ending calmed my nerves more than the first part of it..i knew what i was getting into when i bought the book..well kinda..i guessed that i knew and well i was right but it still caught me off guard..it was a bad idea reading so much of it last night but then it was one of those books i couldnt just put down after i started..not withstanding that the topic of the entire book was the effects of sexual abuse on everyone involved and then even those not involved directly..it is interesting how ppl try to place the blame on the obvious ones but when that doesnt work they blame the kid and after that the closet friends are blamed because they should have picked up on it ..blah blah blah same old circle of accusations and disbelieve..no one wants to think about how often it happens but good grief ppl get away with hurting kids all the time and every one says they care and something should be done but what exactly are ppl doing to make it better? no im not saying im doing my part either..and i have very big reasons for not considering a job at dss working with kids and abuse cases because it scares me for one but more than that..i dont forgive easily at all and i dont think kids should be taken from parents who really hurt them on purpose or otherwise and then put back in the same house because the courts dont want to place the kid with another family..it doesnt take a genius to know that if it happens once it will happen again, i dont care how much help the person had..no it wouldnt be a good idea at all for me to work with that right now..i cant even keep myself from being suicidal anymore id rather not make it any worse...and the other thing that really pisses me off is that parents do all of these things to kids and get put in jail sometimes and then they are beat up and stuff in jail because somehow other inmates find out how everyone gets in and well ppl who abuse kids are way at the bottom of the list..-ok breathe-but then they do the stupidest thing ever by killing themselves without so much as an apology or the reasons behind what they did and i think that is a serious cop out...it really bothers me that they think thats the way to get out of taking responsibility for what they did and then the kid still suffers for various reasons..but in the book that i read though the mother counted her getting beat up in jail as pay back for what she did and let happen to her son..shocking i know but i also thought it was really stupid that any one would even think like that..its not about who gets hurt more because the after effects dont change..but ugh the whole thing just isnt fair in some huge way that i cant explain just yet..still have to live with all the thoughts and guilt and shame and whatever else has to be thrown into the mix..

its just really disappointing you know..being able to be so happy one day and so miserable the next..like there really isnt anything to be happy over so why bother when it can go away so fast

freaking out some

for some reason tonight im just freaking out..its been forever since ive been in this house all alone and its making me paranoid big time...its so quiet with just me and i think its just worse because this stupid house is so big..even dusti is being good and quiet tonight..why tonight?! ugh..i feel like im waiting for the boogeyman to jump out from underneath the bed or something..i want to sleep but im just a tad bit to worked up to relax right now ..and i know henry isnt coming back tonight and im not sure when wayne is coming back and i havent seen all week becuase she is with her bf..and so im just alone and having mommy call 5 times a day to make sure im ok hasnt helped at all..why wouldnt i be ok and what exactly does she think im doing or planning on doing ?? i dont go anywhere and i dont do anything but after talking to her i wonder if im supposed to be out robbing banks or something..i know this stupid house like the back of my hand and yet tonight im almost scared out of my mind for no real reason..if i wasnt so nervous i would be laughing at myself right now..its almost pathetically childish..this is what i get for reading so much of that book..now im agitated and thinking of a million things and wishing i wasnt feeling so alone right now...that and today as i was by myself earlier i was thinking about how to meet ppl and i seriously lack in the making friends department and i say now i want to meet ppl but ill change my mind and not go out with anyone or talk to anyone and ill still be by myself..guess a bit jealous that nia has been spending all this time with her bf and im stuck at home..i spend a lot of time being jealous..yea im awfully pathetic

fun times..

to complete last nights tales..i so super glued my fingers together ! talk about the wrong time to decide to be productive!! i was trying to fix a picture frame ..was squeezing the tube of super glue to hard and i couldnt figure where it was coming from and kept squeezing it more ..and well only i can super glue my fingers together and glue a finger to the super glue tube at the same time ..i had to use fingernail polish remover to try and get it off but of course theres almost nothing in the bottle!!! and dry super glue is an awfully weird feeling! i still have some on my fingers that im just letting come off on its on..picking at it does nothing lol

a lot calmer today..but still in an ok mood..really trying to hold on to it because its been so long..and i think it helps that its quieter at home and not as stressful with mommy out of town..and i feel guilty just saying that..but anyhoo not much on our agenda today..have to go and feed the dog at dees house and will prolly hang out there some today and then come home later this afternoon. went shopping yesterday and got a new radio and picture frames (hence the super glue incident lol) and a new scale... but not getting into that just yet..been thinking a lot about new years and resolutions and what not...really want to put some effort into picking some or making some..but i cant figure any out for now..but thinking about them...been zoning out big time while driving and i dont know whats causing it..its just suddenly im not there anymore because what im thinking about is completely taking over..and only when i realize im about to run into the back of someones car or that im seriously speeding do i 'come back' i guess..dont know..happened a couple times the other day on the way home..

lalala

hmmm today has been an okay day after the am wakeup call..and well finding out i will have to take my car to the dealer place to see about getting it fixed..hung out for a while at dees house and then left to go and do some shopping and ended up at the movie theater..i went to see the golden compass..FINALLY after waiting and waiting and waiting and being patient i went to see it lol..and it was good right up until the end and then it sucked..ugh they killed the ending of the movie and i know this only because ive read all three of the books already! gosh it was a disappointed moment when it ended and half the movie ppl were like is that it? they left out the key thing at the end of the book...rats i need to make my own movie based on some random book and get it correct...it was a bit hard sitting in the movie and not comparing it to the book and i knew everything they left out and everything that was in the wrong order and things that were told to soon in the movie and so on..but still really liked the movie and because of the movie ive decided it will be a great thing to make a few new goals ..

-clears throat-

1) i must ride a polar bear
2) i have got to learn to fly
3) i have got to perfect my uh archery skills lol
4) gotta get a truth reader

oh and for things unrelated to the movie i just watched

1) ive got to find neverland (and i already know how to get there!)
2) become president..thats always a fun goal
3)take over the world (ok fine save the world) same thing :)


gotta love sitting in the movie and just not being able to get off the fact that it looks like major fun to ride a polar bear for no other reason than to see if its as much fun as it looks

and im done..now all i have to do is calm down before i start bouncing off of walls

stupid lack of memories

hmm today i was having a chat with a friend and was asked what would happen if i stood up to mommy pretty much..and it wasnt that the question needed some huge explaination or anything and im not even sure i gave one but suddenly i just knew i had been asked that questions before..maybe not in the same exact words but more or less the same question..and more than once to and i couldnt answer it any of those times either...its really confusing because i already know mommy wouldnt dare throw me out or anything because i help to much..so what would happen then?? and why is it that i cant even think about the question without freaking out and shutting down...i cant figure out what it is about it that makes me so nervous and throws me off..and its probably the easiest thing to figure out in the world but ive blocked whatever it is out so well i cant find out anymore..i cant get past the surface stuff really and its harder trying to go any deeper when i have many other empty spots in my head already...just confuses me more...

mommy is out of town and so is dee and everyone..and im hanging out at her house for right now and i think im going to go to a movie later and out to run a few errands and stuff...mommy actually called me at 5:30 this morning for no other reason than to wake me up because i was supposed to be going to get my car worked on..i had already had my alarm set and everything and i wasnt supposed to be up that early but she called and scared the crap out of me and then i was just up..and now im getting tired again and its a pain..funny how she is out of town but still im stuck running all of her errands too...but still it will be a quiet few days at least until she gets back into town and then ill have to find a way to disappear...

hopefully i get a call about the job but if not ill have to try not to worry and just wait and see since it is new years weekend and ppl are just busy and stuff..and then the subsequent refusual to go to therapy may come up again in the next couple weeks with the job and all the unexplained scars..its really worrying me and i could almost forget about them and then something like this happens and i have to go have a check up and suddenly i have to explain or not explain why it is i have scars going every which way on my arms and legs...cant blame them on dusti if you are standing right in front of me and looking at them...yea dusti has scratched me before but come on give her some credit here..she would repeatedly claw my upper arms for any reason and anyone dumb enough to think so doesnt need to be a doctor...but mommy does like blaming dusti for some of the more visible ones :( and we both know she didnt do them...but i guess as long as im not bleeding to death while im at home my little problem isnt a problem...so i have to last a bit longer with no cutting...funny how once i know i cant do it for a serious reason i want to do it all the more..ugh..

well i finished an application ...kinda feel accomplished now but i dont know..kinda nervous because of course i have to get another psychical if i get the job and thats a whole nother issue all by its self..i wonder if its possible to say ill freeze to death if i get undressed ... but ill have to figure that out when i find out if i have the job or not...but i guess i should file out a couple more applications just incase i dont...

im ready for mommy to go out of town and thats about all on that subject

my car is deciding not to work now and of course it would happen after i dont have a job anymore and cant really afford fixing anything on it...it sucks royally and im just hoping it doesnt stop working completely before i manage to get it in somewhere to have it looked at..and thats after all the other stuff i have to get done to it and now one of the headlights are out and the stupid turn signal isnt working and my car is just kinda falling apart right now...really worried about all of that..

another cool picture

this is my favorite picture that i took while we were at cumberland island...its a sunrise and i juts happened to be awake and went to watch it on the beach and get some time alone ..it was one of the most relaxing times i had on that trip not that it was overly stressful but still...im thinking about making an album of all of my fav scenic shots and getting them printed out to keep...i wonder if one day i could maybe sell some of them? dont know but its just a thought...for now ill just work on collecting them

christmas

so its christmas and i think for us the day is pretty much over now...we did the gift thing this morning and i got a new camera which i knew about anyway because i asked for a new one..and i got clothes and the usual new undies! umm then we got some new books and some paint and some pj bottoms...did the customary thank yous and really we do like our new things and i have a fav shirt out of the bunch and its a dressier one but as soon as i opened it mommy started in on my weight and saying how it was the wrong size now and everything...kinda hurt a lot but i didnt respond and i tried it on later and it fits fine ..and then it was funny trying to get into the camera package because i swear they use the hardest plastic they can find to wrap them in and then there are no openings to get into it!! i ended up asking my brother and he couldnt do it so i used his keys until i got a hole in it and just pulled on it until it opened and it still took forever ..went to my aunts for dinner and stayed for a couple hours..it was overwhelming some but managed ok..took pictures and spent some time outside with my brother and the guys of the family because henry got a new car for christmas and it is taking all of my control not to be jealous over it..because it is a really really nice car and i keep thinking of all i have to fix on my car and it just ugh for a while..but i dont like the look of his car but still its a new car and im rambling...but yea he got a car for christmas as his big thing..the camera was my big thing..and my sister got money orders to go to the driving school so she can get her license..and my other brother got money for something...and now im tired and getting a big headache! watched a comedy show this morning and it was funny but not really my thing because of some of the things they were joking about but it was alright...not a lot of arguing today with mommy so that was good at least and i hope it stays that way..played the new scene it game we got and well we really suck at it lol..but it was fun arguing over it with all of my brothers and sister for a while this morning at least..and mommy liked our gifts to her so that was good too..

she mentioned today that i should apply for unemployment..and i hadnt even considered it but i guess i should..although i dont know the first thing about filing for it until i have another job..yea the money would help but doing things like that worry me ...i know its there to help ppl who need it but i dont know i guess i just feel guilty having to get it or being able to get it when there are ppl a lot worse off than i am...guess i can complain though since i really do need the extra money until i can get a job..but i guess ill think about it for a couple days and figure out what i want to do...i really have to put some effort into finding a job though..

borrowing nias internet and finally am able to get online with my comp..i dont mind her comp or anything but mine is mine and i have missed it!! i seriously think i was going to have a ff meltdown i was missing my usual time wasting habits so much..but at least i updated my comp and got to check on some stuff since im sure it wont be happening again anytime soon..

cant say im not happy about the weekend because mommy is going out of town for a few days..its like instant freedom for a while..

mixed up ramble

things are not feeling as hopeless and upsetting anymore..i have to admit writing did help this morning although i really just wanted to cut by the time i had really thought about everything..and it just so happened i wasnt at home or anything and i couldnt do it...but still a lot a been on my mind today ...thinking about everything and being home and money and finding a job and doing something so im not stuck at home..and well just lots of stuff..no answers for anything and that sucks all the more...im getting some paint stuff for christmas and there are enough magazines laying around that maybe i could work on some collages here..maybe it will help some..it helps me focus.. cant hurt and i have to put at least some effort into trying ... and then i can cut later and not feel so guilty....went and saw national treasure 2 tonight and it seriously was a great movie..it had my attention the entire time and we liked it a lot..still cant really believe christmas eve is tomorrow..and my niece is staying with us for the night and ive already been told ill have to be up and awake in the morning to watch her after mommy leaves for work..you know i would love to be asked these things before its just assumed ill do it because im here...but anyway im doing that in the morning and then tonight one of the headlights went out on my car and one of my signals is all weird and not working and it makes me paranoid driving without a blinker and what little exrta money i had will now have to go in my car..i mean i like my car and would hate for it to break down because im a dork and wont pay to get it fixed..and im thinking of the huge crack in my windshield i have to replace sometime soon and all the other little stuff i have to get worked on in my car and then think about my pathetically empty bankaccount and wonder where im going to get that money from...which brings me to finding a job and i dont really want to think about that right now ..but bills have to be paid regardless of a job or not ..so ill have to find one and ill have to put more effort into looking after christmas...some other relatives are coming tomorrow to stay with us and im nervous already..more so after the morning we had but still nervous and not wanting anyone else to be here because its hard enough with just mommy..had a headache all day..all i want to do is go to bed but them i walk in the door and mommy has things for me to help with...same as usual

today is really turning into a stressful day...not feeling to happy right now..maybe i stayed in bed to long this morning or something or maybe mommy just hadnt yelled at me enough in a couple days no idea but today it was like being yelled at for everything...kinda sucks to once again realize im only as important as how much money i can make and then give to her...she wont let me forget how much she spent to get the moving van and everything to move me back when i wanted to wait until after i had already been at home for a while and could have gotten some extra money..no she wanted to do it her way and so we did and yes she spent a lot of money and i know how much i have to pay her back but she keeps throwing it around what she did for me and im not paying her back fast enough and its like give me a break..im working as much as i can babysitting and all of my extra money has to go to a million different thing and im trying to pay her back i am but i cant just give her my entire last paycheck and then hope no one else gets to mad at not being paid...thats not fair and then i end up feeling guilty for not giving her more than i already did but knowing i dont have the money to do it.. she is constantly asking what ive made or how many ours i have babysitting..she knew what my paychecks were and what my last one was and keeps telling me how much money i should have and not what i do have..god forbid i actually needed to go and by something at the store or whatever..but no it doesnt really matter because the only important thing is that i pay her back and it doesnt matter what else doesnt get paid...why should i have to explain my bank account to her? if im back at home now why should i need to borrow money?? if i cant afford it then i know not to buy it but then she is always asking me to pay for stuff for her and that she will pay me back..well how is it that i have to pay her back and never hear the end of it but then she doesnt have to pay me back in a timely manner ..i dont see the fairness in that at all and it just makes it worse that she brought up how much she gave me for my christmas gift this morning..real good way to let me know she wanted to spend that much on me ..and i thought i asked for a reasonable amount for a digital camera but now if she is just going to use it against me then i dont want it..she asked for my refund thing from the electric company but i cant give it to her because i have to finish paying the stupid phone bill thanks to henry running it up..no matter how much i complained about it and asked her to take him off it was never the right time and now that my bill is over 200 dollars and most of it doesnt even apply to my phone im still the one who has to pay it and now henry has a new phone that i still had to help him pay for and mommy was supposed to pay me back and yet she only gave me part of it but then that didnt come up when she was yelling at me this morning about money..all of it just sucks right now and i did wake up in an ok mood but now im just incredibly pissed off about everything..i had to go and change what i was wearing this morning because i walked downstairs in a tshirt and well my arms have a good number of bug bites on them and she told me she hoped i was wearing long sleeves...last time i checked no one cared that much what i was wearing or not wearing but suddenly i have bug bites that ive scratched and everyone cares so much and so i have to keep my arms covered up because they make mommy uncomfortable..for as much as im supposed to be confident in myself i dont think its working out like that..because even if i was ok with everything this morning now im back to being paranoid about something that wasnt even wrong in the first place..because while i was on the island i did wear bug spray and i still got bitten by whatever it was biting all of us and then i scratched and i knew mommy would say something but i didnt think she would pretty much ban me from wearing short sleeves until the bites faded..how is it that she can be ashamed of something that had nothing to do with her and then in turn make me more ashamed than i already was?? and i wonder why it is i cant even handle talking about cutting or anything with anyone else..well duh im not allowed to talk about it im not allowed to do anything but swear i havent done it again and so it has disappeared..yep ive stopped and ill stay stopped right up until i manage to kill myself and then i guess everyone will have to figure it out for themselves..im not crying for help becasue i dont need help and i dont want help...i learned to lie about it from the start and nothing seems to have changed since then

same old excitement

and now with christmas eve being tomorrow the same old excitement about christmas is coming back..im still ready for it to be over and done with but im still happy its christmas and it makes it better that i know some of what im getting and hjust have to be patient and wait until i actually get it! i was good and picked out a nice camera for myself yesterday and then asked if i could have it then instead of waiting and mommy was ok with it until i mentioned opening it lol...now i have to wait until christmas...

as usual ive been spending most of my free time over at dee's house..funny how they all want me there all the time just to be there and not even doing anything..im not complining because i really do need the extra money and mostly i do love being over there but it is tiring too..its like having a job without having a job..i get paid but i dont losoe taxes and thats nice of course..but i can make my whole talisman paycheck in two weekends with dee...its crazy!! and i was there last night and ill prolly be there most of today and tonight and still again tomorrow...today dee already asked if i would do some last minute shopping for her and im excited about that..sometimes i really do love shopping and sometimes it just drives me crazy..but today i want to shop...im looking forward to it actually..the traffic in wilmington sucks though..

nia and henry are busy to going out with friends and stuff and i try not to be jealous but i am a little because i dont know anyone here anymore..im not the best at making new friends and then spending so much time babysitting doesnt help my case at all...normally i dont mind but sometimes like now i do and its a pain..

christmas and stuff

its really hard to believe christmas is next week!! its been a cold and rainy day here and ive been out running around all day long with henry and wayne...after taking nia to work and then mommy had me go and get some stuff for her and help henry get a new phone and everything and it was just abig hassle and today i just wasnt feeling to good at all and didnt want to go anywhere and ended up staying out all morning and then some because we had to go and pick up nia from work early because she wa sick and passed out...and by the early afternoon i was just starting to get really annoyed and didnt want to be out anymore and just kinda stopped being as talkative and thats saying a lot since i dont really talk anyway...but made it back home..i had to go to the store and pick up some stuff for me and that was ok..

i asked for a new camera for christmas and then my usual books and movies ..i was in walmart today and saw a paint set that i really wanted since all of my paint is now packed away in storage and i cant get to it..ill have to see who i can talk into getting it for me or give up some money and help them get it for me..who knows...and im going to pick out my own camera tomorrow..we are going shopping tomorrow and im hoping i feel better..and then i had forgotten that mommy was going out of town on the 28th i think and that will be a few days of peace and quiet..except i am like the other mom around here and i try hard not to be but i dont do so good at stopping itand it just kinda comes out..i hate that..i dont want to be the parent and yet that seems to be my role..im the one running around making sure everyone is doing and getting what they need to get done done..and it doesnt matter if i want to do it or not because someone has to be in charge i suppose and it just falls on me..why do i have to be so responsible without being responsible?? i dont want it at all! ugh and now i cant seem to get rid of it..they were calling me mommy earlier and it just kinda sucked...really not in the best of moods right now and feeling completely gross and stupid for ending up binging and then not purging at all..feel way to full right now and the whole no privacy thing really sucks..guess the bad part is i would purge given the chance and not think twice about it..maybe feeling so tired right now is making me feel even more not good..im getting tired of all the running around and doing everything and i know i said i wasnt going to be complaining but today was a bit much..henry and wayne have just been really loud today and it puts me on edge and not being able to really get away and have time alone is making it harder to deal with things..next week i have got to get away and do something for myself or i will go insane..i cant get any peace and quiet here..everyone is to loud and then all the yelling and arguing from mommy doesnt help

dont much feel like writing about me or anything going on at home today...so ill write about other stuff

today has been an interesting day..i was asked yesterday if i would come in early and do some christmas shopping for dee for the family she adopted for the holidays..i like shopping of course and i like it even more when i can get bunches of stuff and its not for me and im not spending any money!! so i go over and get the list and there are 3 kids im pretty much shopping for and riley decides he wants to come with me and thats fine because i like shopping with him...so we go to walmart first and we are looking for a nintendo ds system..we go to the back and there are 2 left but some lady is there and talking on the phone and she just tells the sales guy she will take two of them..well riley and i think she is talking about the actual games and not the systems but boy were we wrong lol..she took the last two systems in the store!!!and riley and i are just like crud do we have bad timing or what!! so we get some other stuff..dolls and a board game at walmart and then go to a different store..we hit game stop (two of them) and no ds's...we go to target and they only had black ones and we were looking for a pink one..so we leave and go somewhere else...we finally find a red one at best buy and grab it before someone else could because there are only two there lol..and as we are in best buy im walking past a bin of games and find the monopoly game we were looking for for game boy advance..we had to go and get some john deere toys but had to leave them because they didnt accept the credit card i was taking around and so we had to go and get cash from dee's store and go back out to finish getting stuff..but we found everything they were asking for and it was less money than i thought it would be but still we spent a huge amount of money in my book! prolly cas i dont have any lol..but it was fun...and tiring! you know i wish i had a credit card that had no limit on it!! i wish i could just go shopping and get everything i wanted and not have to worry about how i was going to pay the bill..

and now i havent even considered what im getting anyone for christmas..because nia and i always go out shopping together and our schedules are just not working out so hot right now so im waiting to see what happens..if i get paid babysitting money tonight i may go shopping tomorrow...and nia was nice enough to give me some gas money for taking her back and forth to work all week...riley and harris are going hunting tomorrow for the weekend so my babysitting time is over after tonight i guess..maybe for a bit on monday but i dont know yet...other than that i dont think ill be getting any other extra money in at all..

kinda been working on my resume..at least i have it in my email now and i can work on it and print it out and start filling out applications for a new job and see what happens..

right im not supposed to complain..its taking a lot to get used to being at home and e verything is just kinda thrown off..its become my job i suppose to make sure my sister gets to work every morning and evening..and getting her there and back is a hassle because of all the traffic and i hate driving in traffic because i sstill get nervous..but that has become my job..waking up early and then waking her up is a pain ...

mommy is of course pushing hard for me to get a job as fast as possible..she is already bringing home the classifieds and everything and telling me what i hsould be doing ..i havvent even managed to get my resume off of my own computer yet and i cant really do anything until that s taken care of..im not sure whwere i want to work or what i want to do..im not even sure how to upgrade my resume yet..i know the job ive done for the past year but its hard writing it on a resume and summing it all up..that i was going to try to do today and then you know go to dees house and print off copies and print off some applications and things so i can start applying..i thought i would be able to get a break being at home even for a couple weeks but it seems im just as busy here..
but in other news..although im not sure how far ill manage because theres not much happiness going around inside right now..umm i went and visited one of my old teachers and talked about life and such..with only a little bit of therapy involved and nothing to big either lol but itwas a nice visit and im glad she was ablee to see me...talk about saving my sanity! she talked to me about going into the msw program and i told her i would look into it...

kinda sucks not having my comp hooked up because now we cant chat anymore and cant really get into anything anymore...im not even sure i remember what my aol name was and thats all my sister has on her comp..and the one i made forever ago just doesnt fit anymore! ugh

oh well gotta go

-

ugh i need my own internet!!!!! im going insane..well more than usual...

its so overwhelming being back at home..everyone wants me to do something for them or im expected to do everything and help everyone...its to much pressure..considered cutting already..i found my razors and they are staying in my car for now..but the thoughts are in my head and refusing to go away because it would be so easy to just use them and stay calm vs always being agitated over something all day long..im always worrying about something ive done or havent done and the agitation just isnt going away

i guess this will have to count for my official rant about being at home and ill have to try hard not to write about the same things again and again...

first off i made it home safe and sound more or less on saturday...didnt leave until 10 and then got really tired after about a n hour and had to stop..but still made it home safely...and as soon as i got home i had enough time to just dump everything and then had to babysit..i was ready to drop at about 11 that night and i was still with the kids...and then had to sleep on the counch at home because mommy had tons of stuff pulled out in my room and all over the bed and i had no where to sleep that night..sunday headed back to worok early because riley called and told me i had to come and babysit him and spent most of yesterday with him and we had fun..im not complaining about that but its just trying doing all this stuff in a couple days..got home last night and of course im told by mommy not to watch tv or anything because i had to work on getting my room in order..she seems to have forgotten that i just moved all my stuff back and im not allowed to be tired for some reason so i stayed up last night and got stuff in a sort of order for now..but its hard getting everything condensed back into one room and then not having a real closet really just makes it that much harder...

when i got home on friday it was fun seeing henry and nia and wayne of course because its been a while since all four of us have been at home all at the same time...but still it is crowded to because its the four of us upstairs with one bathroom..but also we are just back and forth into all the rooms up here... suddenly there is no privacy once again...i dont even have door knobs on my rooms door for some reason...it kinda sucks that i had to give up my orginal room to nia and now im back and its like ok you have to be in the other room..and now that im home and the only other one with a car i am now the taxi person..i had to take nia to work this morning and mommy is just assuming ill do it because im here...she yelled at me last night about taking her and its like you didnt even ask me you told me im taking hr and she didnt even wake up on time this morning !! i woke her up and it was like how is it that i come home and suddenly no one can do anything for themselves anymore? mommy is yelling and arguing about everything..i was told 5 times i had to clean the kitchen this morning like i could forget in an hour..i have to get nia from work this evening and then run errands all over town for everyone else...this was the main reason i didnt want my license when i was at home before ..i refused to be the one running errands and having to do everything..and now im stuck doing it..and i just know it will become my responsibilty to make sure nia is getting to work in the morrning and everything now..she is over 21 and doesnt have her license..and now more than ever before it pisses me off..

when i first got home on saturday when mommy saw me the first thing she commented on was my weight and that i gained again instead of losing...and thats all she wants to comment on ..and then has to tell everyone else that ive gained weight..there was no need for her to bring up my weight as soon as i walked in the kitchen this morning to her friend who was over here...score one for my confidence...god its not fair that that is all that matters...for the past couple days all i do is argue with myself about eating or not eating..it would be so easy to just say screw it and not eat enough to lose weight and make her happy..and part of me just loathes how easy it is to fall back into that and obssess even more about food and cals and all of that..it sucks big time and i just know she isnt going to drop the subject any time soon...everything about me is wrong

wow

im officially unemployed now..and im not sure what i think about it currently..im glad for the break i am..but im not looking forward to going back into the job hunt..i have to rework my resume now and get refrences and all that stuff...and well going home tomorrow...im setting the time frame for just leaving before 10 if im up at 5..lots to get done in those few hours and ive been working pretty hard i would say for the past hour or so going through the last things and throwing bunches of stuff today..dropping off stuff tomorrow morning early at the goodwill and hope i can just leave them there..taking out trash and packing my car and then last but not least giving the apartment a once over cleaning wise! but i dont think that will take to long if i would just get up and do it..i have to be up at 5 no way out of it..ill just have to go to bed early tomorrow to make up for being up so early

the kids are gone!!!!!!!!woohoo...but i do miss them ..i really liked my group this semester by the end ... they were all miserably out of control this morning and would not listen at all..i got to go to the airport and well two of the kids flight got cancelled and we were all freraking out wondering what to do about it because we didnt want to take them back to camp and the other flights were booked and all these things were going on..and luckily they managed to get placed on a different flight going out with another student and gosh i was so happy it worked out...i had no idea what was supposed to be done and it was just a lot of waiting and playing phone tag..how does a plane just break anyway ? ugh..but im glad it worked out..i went to the christmas party and im really not a really social person and so it was a bit painful i guess watching everyone talk and have a good time ..and i couldnt drink becuase of going home tomorrow and having to pack and everything tonight..it wouldnt have worked and i have to keep reminding myself of that..but i suck at small talk and just did a lot of watching and laughing at the silliness going on...my secret santa gift was the best i was told..and it was a picture of a tree changing ..through the seasons kinda but you have to walk past it to see it change lol..and so everyone had to try it out and see it as they walked past ..and im glad i tookd it now becuase at least i know it went to someone who will enjoy it..everyone was surprised that it was from walmart ! but overall i am glad i went because for a while i considered just not showing up and spending the extra time packing and stuff i went and it was like getting the chance to really say goodbye to everyone and my life for the past year..it was hard too but i guess thats just what happens when you leave someplace you have called home for the past year...and i will have to come to asheville to visit sometime too..i may not work for the program again but i still enjoy the camp and the area and i would come back and visit when i could...and no ive im not sorry about the last year..yea parts of it really sucked big time ..but i have had a lot of fun..ive learned a lot and done things i would have never ever ever considered doing before..so no no regrets ...although im sure ill be feeling depressed in a few days over all of it..but for now im ok

im feeling so tired and worn out right now..all day we have been cleaning and moving with the kids..ugh me and jim have been making them seriously clean the kitchen..and it was a lot of work..we were cleaning the stove and ovens and the fridge and throwing away food and mopping and all of that and then they have to turn around and do tons of dishes and little things and then have to pack and clean the cabins and they are tired and we are tired and i never want to see bleach again lol...i found it finally and poured enough into the gross bathrooms to kill every little germ possible and kinda thought about how we were always cleaning with bleach as a kid..hmm but then got to busy to really dwell on it...but thankfully we are starting to finish up what my group has to do today except dinner clean up and then we get to make sundaes with them and that will be fun..we have to share with the other group and i dont think that is fair because my group worked so much harder but still we have to share...this morning in group i called out one of the girls for being disrespectful to her parents on the phone..seriously the girl got on the phone last night and just demanded everything and was yelling and being rude for no real reason and i told her to stop more than once last night and then forgot about it by the time i got back to the cabin but i brought it up this morning and it really sucks that she is treating her parents like that..and it sucks even more than her parents let her because of her 'differences' and not being able to handle her at all..and so i called her out on it and she didnt care at all and i was ready to cry about the whole thing for reasons im still not clear about..i told her if i had treated my mom like that i would have been slapped in a heartbeat..and i would have been..somehow i just knew that being mean to mommy was something i did only when i had a death wish.. and even then i knew to tread lightly because getting on mommys bad side was asking was days or weeks of trouble for some small thing...i dont think she is getting it though..because no i dont happen to really have the best relationship with mommy but i would never treat her like that...because regardless of everything mommy is always the one we go to when we have a questions about something that she would know or to get money help or knowing we can go home whether we want to or not because she is mommy and that wont change...and this kid is going to lose that as she gets older if she doesnt get her act together and that really makes me sad


that all aside these kids are ready to go home and im ready for them to go home lol...its been a fun semester but still im ready for it to be over..although on friday night i have to get the last minute cleaning done in the apartment and all that and then on saturday im heading home for good...and now i guess im have gone through all the stages of refusing and what not because now i just find an emptiness when i think about going home..beyond being upsset about it now i guess..and now i just havee to deal with it as best as possible right...

social work issue

whille first my apartment has been emptied and it is surprising at how little time it took to get it done once they were here..a bit scary also ...but its done with for now and all i have to do is go through the last bit of stuff and throw away bunches of things..but the biggest part is over and done with and on the way to storage at home..and the whole thing just makes me feel empty some how...i look around at my almost empty apartment and it makes me sad but i dont know why..maybe now that things are gone have to come to terms with actually moving because its happening regardless..dont know

but anyway..i think i have a problem well more than usual lol..and i figure if i think it out then eventually ill find a way to get it done and be ok with it...i was talking to mommy and wayne about the various things going on in the world of work..and they have gotten to the conclusion that the kids are being neglected in ways and abused because of them not being fed enough and all that things going on..and im not sure what i think about that..and if it makes a difference that im a social worker or not..because no i dont like whats going on at all and i hate that the kids have to deal with all of it and not be heard..but by my taking it with them make me be just as bad? like do i have a hand in it someway because somehow im letting it happen? i dont know..yes im complained and done little things to make it easier for my group..but is that enough? should i have done something more? should i have made a bigger fuss? its all so confusing because its my job well it was my job and my first priority is the kids and they know i dont agree with the food situation or the way they arent listened to or the fact that we are told not to get the kids opinions on anything..i dont see how that teaches them anything and i go out of my way sometimes to listen and hear what they are saying..and sometimes i just listen and dont really care one way or another because of other stuff going on and it then becomes just a job until its time to go off..but even then i still care and what them to be safe and happy and all that ... and if the parents really knew what was going on they would not be pleased at all..and i guess its just hard to know when im overstepping my boundaries in trying to be heard in the whole mess..should i tell the parents..should i tell the head office..should i say anything beyond on office on campus..but i dont trust jon or linda anymore and i dont want to talk to them much if i can help it but does it count as going behind there backs if we sent a letter to the head office without telling them first ...would that be a bad thing and would i be stirring up trouble? i look at the whole thing and i dont like it but i still dont want to cause any trouble and i think thats where my biggest problem is..because i know its not a real matter of whether i will be in trouble because its not like they are going to fire me..heck im already not coming back..but i want them to know what is was like and i want to do it in a way that im comfortable with because otherwise it just wont work...and i dont know what im comfortable with just yet..i had played with the idea of writing linda a letter and letting her know exactly why it was i was leaving...and even that idea i had played with and discarded a million times but now i think i will do that and after im done with that letter ill figure out what else i want to do...and im hoping linda will hear me..and because i get so flustered and forgetful when im talking face to face its better to do a letter..but does that count as being a cop out if i send a letter instead of talking one on one with her..or is it a matter of comfort for me..because im scared..i really am because ive never done anything like this but i like the program and i hate how its being run and it will fail soon if some serious changes arent made..kids depend on a place like this and i dont want it to fail..i really dont but i wont stay and be treated like crap either and not be listened too...so it is a huge toss up and i have no idea what im going to do

sigh

and so everything is just kinda all happening right now ...

oh where to begin with whats going on today..tried hard to get things done this morning..woke up at 4..took out a bunch of trash..got the form filled out for the post office and i was quite happy i was able to do it online..took back the library books and went to my apartment office and told them i wasnt able to pay my rent but i was goin to be moving..i left out i was moving today and well they have to start the eviction stuff anyway since im not able to pay my rent...i knew it was coming but it sucks all the same because with everything going on something had to lapse in payment for right now and rent just happens to be what it is..i feel like a slacker for not being able to pay and now ill owe two months by the end and im trying not to worry but its not going so well...i mean ill have to take it as it comes right ? but i let them know i was moving and that was good at least..next time i will have to be more careful picking an apartment place..i didnt like this one much after the first few month and $100 bucks for a late charge is just crazy ... so that is all taken care of for now..still have to cancel the cable and figure out how to pay them what is owed..and now more than ever my paycheck just seems sooooooooooooo inadequate..blah but ill just have to see...and all i want to do is freak because i talked to mommy and of course they are only like four hours away..and i look at everything left to pack and get so overwhelmed and out of it..trying to figure out what i am able to do and what i cant do....trying to get together everything that will be left to donate it on saturday...


im picking my fingers apart horribly right now..all i keep thinking is make sure all the razors are hidden...ive been finding them all over the place!! its bad...i didnt even know or remember i guess that i was sticking them all over the place..i keep telling myself to check everywhere mommy may decide to look and to make sure my trunk is locked so she cant go in it..freaking out because everything isnt packed but what i want to go home is done..everything else is just on the floor and in my closet and things are juts all over the place..and ive been trying so hard to get things done..trying to remind myself to breathe and keep breathing..i just want to go and hide some where and just not even see mommy right now..my arms are covered in bug bites that ive scratched to death for various reasons and i know she will comment on them ..i know she will and i have to remind myself to not flip out and get to defensive...dont know though

good deeds and other things

so after having dinner and feeling like a pig my mood is still pretty good and im not stressing right now...this morning i went back and forth between packing and not packing..finally got started after having a chat and kinda got the kitchen partially done..lots of things going in the trash but stuff ive had for forever and never used once again i just had to throw away..who knew throwing stuff away could hurt so much lol..i guess it makes me seem silly to get so worked up about throwing stuff away..but its hard sometimes and i hate packing because then i do have to actually go through stuff and find out what i have and what i dont need..but anyway finally gave up after about an hour when i lost interest in it completely..and got online and wasted some time doing various things..and then the ppl who i picked to get some of my clothes i was giving away came and got them and now im waiting to find out when the other ppl are coming to get things.and it creeps me out having ppl i dont know coming to my house but im reminding myself that i have to do it and that its a good thing helping out other ppl because i want to and not because i have to...i ended up going to walmart again because i needed to get some things for packing and as i was in the store i started looking around for jims christmas present and i couldnt decide on anything specific because he is moving and i dont want to get him something big and he wont be able to take it with him..im planning on printing out some pictures for him from both semesters and making a photo album for him..i picked out some really funny cards :) ones that he will enjoy and i liked picking them out because they had me laughing in the middle of the store..but as i was looking a lady came by and she just asked if i would help her find some cards because she had trouble seeing and looking at the small font..and it was just like sure i can help..i helped her find the section she was looking for and she appreciated it and thanked me bunches and i told her i didnt mind helping her at all because i really didnt...and after walking past carts full of boxes i finally dug up the courage to ask if i could have some of them and managed to get a few more boxes..and didnt die in the process! and then as i was driving back they were taking up collections for a charity at one of the stop lights and i decided to give and it really felt nice...its not like i gave a lot and i wasnt planning on doing anything like that but today it was ok...so im trying hard to hold on to my decently good mood...talking to mommy annoyed me a little but i just let it go since i was in the store and doing other things...so now tarzan is on and i think ill let it play loud enough to hear in the other room and see about getting some more packing done

trying

im trying i am ...trying to stay calm..trying to figure everything out..trying to do something..anything along the lines of what im supposed to do...and yet all i seem to be doing is wasting time and throwing my little tantrum without uttering a measly word..i always forget how strong my little ultra tiny rebellious streak can be when its something i really really dont want to do..and now its picking its time to be shown...all of it is overwhelming in the worst way and im stuck because i dont know what to do and cant seem to make myself even start again...i keep telling myself only a little more time online..a little more time doing other things but that time grows and grows and the whole day is gone and i dont know why i havent done anything..maybe i should make a list..maybe i should just make something.and even thinking it makes me want to cry and scream...oh i dont know whats gotten into me this time..

back and lots going on as usual

i got back last night from my trip and it was a lot of fun..it really really was a lot of fun...hmm where to start on the mishaps and adventures of our trip..considering it was only 7 days a lot of things happened! hmmm well we left sunday morning and the directions said it would take 6 hrs to get to the campground for the night..well 6 hours my foot it took us over 12 hours to get there and that was with a couple stops and the bus breaking on us...and i didnt really recongize the way we were going but seriously we made it all the way down to lumberton and thats the way i go to go to see mommmy on 74/76..the problem with that road is that it only goes through small towns and it was only 35 most of the way and it was just hard and boring and so uncomfortable being on the short bus..well by the time i recongized where we were at it was like are you kidding me there were a bunch of other more direct ways and they made us go through the small towns ugh..we seriously took the short bus through some towns christmas parade..we were right smackdab in the middle of it! well it was after 7 before we made it to sc with the directions we were following and then the bus breaks..well the muffler falls off and ive never been so scared in my life..because we were going on the highway and all of a sudden it sounded like something was just stuck in the tire so we pull over and jim checks the tires and its not them and then he checks under the bus and its like holy flippin cow you have got to be kidding me!!the muffler was off and there was nothing we could do about it..we call everyone on the emergency list and well no one picks up of course except ben and he was worried but its not like he could send us a bus of something to come and get us ...so we duck tape the muffler up and it lasted all of 2 minutes before it was burned through and the muffler was dragging again..and jim was the one under the bus and i was holding the flashlight and all of this was done on the side of a major highway and all the cars flying by scared me even more because we were outside and under the bus..when we started going again the kids of course are all watching out the back and looking at the sparks flying from under the bus and im just hoping and praying that the bus doesnt blow up or something but we made it to the truck stop and jim begged wire from someone and got the stupid muffler rigged up enough to keep going..of course they dont tell us to go back to camp..no we have to keep going and just pray the bus doesnt break down again..and all the kids are freaking out and scared and theres nothing we can tell them to make it better except hope it works...and it was so uncomfortable on the bus with all the gear and backpack filling the aisles and them sitting two to a seat and trying to sleep against each other..but they managed and pulled through fairly well..so we make it to ga and to the ferry dock at like 2 in the morning..we cant go to the campsite because we are to late so there are 11 of us crammed in the short bus trying to sleep and just wait until it is time to wake up again and get ready for the ferry..gosh i dont know how we managed but everyone was cranky and so tired the next morning but we had made it and everyone was safe and sound and decently happy considering...we got the ferry and all of our gear across to the island..me being sick sea most of the way and boy was i just happy it wasnt such a long ride..it was miserable going across but once we got there of course it started raining lol while we were setting up camp..but the island was beautiful and peaceful in ways im not sure ill ever be able to explain...most of them took naps that afternoon and i ended up taking the two who were still awake on a couple of walks around the island ..we went to the beach and walked up the never ending road a bit before turning around and going back...we checked the camp site twice and still most of them were asleep! and i couldnt sleep so i had no problem keeping the ones awake busy for a while..finally i gave up and started waking them up because i was worried no one would sleep that night lol...and the rest of the day was spent around the campsite doing odd things because it got dark so fast! the days after that fell into a schedule and the kids had school in the morning and the afternoons we had for hiking or walking on the beach or exploring...and we saw the wild horses, the wild turkeys..i feed the seagulls and saw the sunrise over the ocean one morning all by myself, i collected seashells and picked up baby hermit crabs..saw jellyfish and huge horseshoe crab shells..had miserable freezing cold showers and one warm shower lol....one of the kids really screamed his head off when he found out about the showers..even though i told him before he got in there that there was no hot water and he forgot that quick..i could hear him screaming from half way back to camp lol and then i made jim go and check on him and help him in the shower lol ... we had a possum who become named vernin thanks to me and my abilty for remembering all things animated!! well vernin always showed up at our campsite like clockwork around 6:30 because it was already dark and by that time dinner was over and the kids had spilled food all over and so vernin came looking for meals and jim was the officail vernin chaser every night lol...we had a vernin stick and everything!! well one night jim was having a guy moment and kept going crashing into the bushes and throwing the sticks like javelins and im laughing at him..well he went crashing into the bushes yet again and im right there holding the flashlight and he comes flying out of the bushes backwards and falls backwards into another bush..im laughing at him and asking if vernin was attacking and then of course asked if he was ok..all the kids around the campfire saw was jim flying out ofthe bushes so they are all laughing at him to and it was just a fun night..when the kids went to bed i got to play in the fire and dry palm leaves burn incredibly well!so im making the fire huge and having a grand time and jim is telling me not to burn down the trees while im playing in the fire..and so after a while i have to stop and jim chases me around the picnic tables because i wanted to burn the vernin stick and wouldnt give it back..and im ticklish just a bit and jim can get me laughing in almost no time flat! so he got his stick..and the next night around dinner time again i heard something in the bushes and jim was in the bathroom so i told zach to go and scare off vernin and he goes crashing into the bushes and comes back a few minutes later and tells me it was only kerry lol..i told her to never go into the bushes at night when i couldnt see !!! we had a lot of laughing and fun on the trip..even with the issues we had it was a lot of fun..and then on the last night we had smores and i dont like smores at all so im dropping my marshmellows into the fire and watching them burn..and then i put chocolate syrup in the fire to see if it would burn lol..some of the kids now call me pyro :) for it to have been work it was really a relaxing time..i woke up in the morning and didnt immediately wish to go back to sleep again..and im covered in bug bites that im now thinking is chiggers because there are new ones coming up and im not even in the woods anymore..oh they are a pain in the butt and ive scratched them all to the point of infections *insert sorry face here* but they really really itch!! but having the TA there and knowing she was watching and reporting what we were doing back to the office really made me start second guessing myself on everything..and i stand by everything we did but its just not cool having to work and forever feel like in being watched and judged... it was hard but jim was there to make me smile and i talked it over with him and it makes me feel better that he knows and shares some of my concerns and that he doesnt care as much where i care to much...it was hard and i had to work really hard to stay civil towards the TA because i realized i dont trust her and didnt want to be around her and i dont yet know how to work with someone i dont trust..but we got through it and now we are back and now im just waiting to be called into the office and get questioned again..and the other big issue was that we were sent without enough food again...we were all hungry and tired and cranky by the third night and there was nothing we could do about it...i fixed meals as best i could with what we had and the kids were appreciative but still they were all hungry and that makes me sad..because for how much money those kids families have to pay to send them here they are all losing serious amounts of weight and not being fed properly and when jim and i do feed them we get in trouble about it...i dont get it at all..hmm some day it will all make sense but for now it really doesnt..i brought extra food for us because i know what i will and wont eat while camping and we were still hungry..and i gave some of the protein bars i had to the kids i work with because they needed the extra cals more than i did..

and now im at home again and things are moving really really fast..how is it that every time i call home i end up losing a couple more days in my apartment? i dont know how it happens but it does..now i have about two days to pack because mommy decided it would be better for her to come and get my stuff on tues instead of waiting until the weekend..and i just got home im tired and sore and tired and itchy and now im told i have to pack..it can be done and should be done before she gets here..I DONT WANT TO PACK!! thats the problem..i dont i dont i dont and yet i have to..if it made any difference i would throw a huge tantrum and just say forget it..but i cant..ill have to pack and i know that but i still dont want too..and so all im thinking of doing is wasting money and time and not getting anything done..blah bad me..

hmm

minus being so tired..im ready for this trip..i think all in all it will be a lot of fun..trying hard to be ok and i know once im at work ill be fine..and i have every intention of sleeping the first hour or so away on the bus! hmm no time for anything else really so i better get dressed and what not so im not late

slightly accomplished..maybe

im feeling a bit calmer now..i had a few freak out moments earlier and i guess looking at the huge mess i was making by pulling stuff out and then losing interest in packing really fast..but finally got motivated a little bit and cleaned up the living room and the kitchen..yea now i have boxes all over my bed room but at least they are out of the way and no one is allowed in my room but me anyway ..but because of that stupid little ingrained cleaning part i wouldnt have freaked so much.but knowing i was going out of town and knowing everything was pulled out just made me go into overload big time..i had to clean up and it took most of the day to get around to talking myself into actually doing it but now it looks better and im ok with leaving and knowing i cleaned...just have a few more things to do for dusti and im done cleaning..ive packed some but still long ways to go in the apartment..packed for my trip and actually threw in a bathing suit..we are going to an island and the weather is going to be in the 70s..im going swimming..well and i have pants and a tshirt to get soaked in of course..but i got all that packed and now i just have to pick it up in the morning..worked on my latest collage and i had been collecting things for it for a while and finally had to put it together tonight before i just started throwing all the pieces away..its really interesting the phrases and words you can find in a magazine when you are looking for them...went to the library this morning and checked out some books for the trip and a book on tape for me to listen to during the ride..i was completely excited that i found the 2nd and 3rd books in the twilight series! and i packed a journal and my monkey..snacks and other odds and ends for the ride..and of course i made sure to trim my fingernails because the get so dirty so easily out camping! ick its kinda gross...and i guess thats about all

.

worked on this for a while..it took forever finding all the clips...decided to call it 'thoughts'

cant sleep

tonight is one of those nights when i cant sleep because i have so much on my mind and no idea how to get rid of any of it..so in a last ditch effort to tire myself out i guess ill just try writing and see if i can make sense of any of it..

it really just hit me that tomorrow is the first day of dec..which means it has been almost of full year of being in the real world and im not really impressed with what i have seen..but still it has been a year that i have managed to do a lot of different things, its been fun, its been hard, its sucked royally..and i was freaking out at this time last year because of graduating and now im freaking out about moving...and somewhere in the mess in my head i realized im really really scared again..and im trying hard to pretend its not there and its not working to well because i do know its there and i can only get rid of it in ways that hurt and then it just keeps coming back...i keep thinking and rethinking the choice to move home and i keep coming to the same decisions...i have to be home but i dont want to be at home...its like i have to prepare myself to fall apart again so it wont be a surprise when it happens..i have to keep reminding myself that ive screwed things up again and didnt try hard enough...just so if i hear it then it wont hurt as much..maybe im not cut out for the real world..maybe i just get to scared and anxious about everything..maybe i dont try hard enough..all of it is left at juts being maybes..i dont want another job but i cant stay where i am..my days in my apartment are just ticking down and it scares me..what little freedom i had is slowly going away..and in two weeks it will be completely gone again..everything i have will be stuck in storage and what im keeping is just the barest stuff so that there is no chance of mommy reading anything of mine..guessing if she really got a hold of my journals it would be an eye opening experiance..and i dont want that..id rather keep her believing that im fine because its just better that way..and ill be home and be at her ever beck and call..i have to keep reminding myself to control my temper and not be so defensive because it just keeps getting me in trouble...its like im preparing to just disappear again .. im going away and its the hardest thing to explain..im not even sure that im thinking it...but i know its there all the same..and i know its happening and im not really trying to hard to stop it..i noticed im not really wanting to talk to anyone at all and im wasting more time than usual doing nothing..i dont know

sigh

its nice not being listened too...how many ways can i say i dont wear half of my clothes and i dont want them or need them..i know what i wear and what i dont wear..and ill be stupid if i keep taking things from place to place..if i cant sale them ill just give them away again..i have quite a few things to give away..packing is making me really nervous and of course going through everything i found all of my old razors and i dont know what to do with them..part of me really wants to keep them and part of me wants to through them away and since i cant decide for now im just keeping them...i dont know where to start in my closet or anywhere else really..but im trying and slowly things are being boxed up and put away..and im trying not to freak to much while doing it..

ran some errands this morning ..and actually stuck to it and didnt let myself talk myself out of it lol..because i was trying hard to not go anywhere...got some things for the trip..snacks and what not...guess ive wasted enough time and ill have to go back to packing

...

i was told through third party resources that the office ppl dont trust us and that really hurts becuase i cant think of anything i have done to be considered untrustworthy...and i think that is the last straw i guess becuase i was becoming indecisive again about quitting and i just cant work with ppl that dont trust me to do my job correctly but wont tell me what the reasons behind it is...yea i did the stupid employee counseling thing..and all ive heard is what im doing wrong and even those were blown out of porportion..but i sat there and listened and told my side not that it mattered...and thats it..nothing else on what im doing that needs to be changed , nothing on how im working with the kids or doing or anything..its like i go to work and do my job and thats all that matters until something gets back to the office about me doing something wrong and then im the worst person alive..its like as long as im doing things right then i dont really exist i guess but as soon as i screwup the world needs to know about it and put me back in my place...its hard to believe now that all i talked about for 6 months was coming back and working here after my first summer..and now im ready to go and im not sure ill be able to come back again...it goes a bit deeper than even just wanting an apology..ive done more than my job and asked for nothing but it doesnt matter because for some reason im no longer in the good graces of the boss and i dont know why or how it happened...so we are leaving on our trip on sunday and have learned that the TA is going to be in charge of everything..the TA had never been camping before aug..the TA cant cook on the stoves or carrying any of her own gear, the TA is only supposed to be there to teach but the TA is in charge now and its like god talk about undermining what little authority we have..how can they take things like that away from the counselors ?! and from the last trip of ours im not thrilled to have her along anyway because she is like a spy for the office to just report back what we are doing and how and why...why do they need us if all the importance is being given to the TA who cant do a damn thing..but ive been doing it for over a year now..i know how to run and set up camp and cook and keep them all in line..but that doesnt matter...so if she wants to be in charge she can i dont bloody care..and to make it better..we are taking the short bus to ga..i hope it breaks down..i really do so they will stop sending them out on trips..

thoughtful

work is work..i never want to forget last night though..we had so much fun playing in the dining hall during group..i was kicked out of group..i threw my shoe at jim and then took his shoes and hid them outside.a couple of the kids decided to try and tickle me..we talked about nothing and kept getting off topic..and group took about 45 minutes lol..but it was one of those nights that was just a lot of fun and laughs and smiles..and i swear today they were sad to see us go and i never thought that would happen..because for a while all i heard was how good the other counselors were and how much they wanted them..and sometime in the last couple months that has changed..somehow we have worked out a relationship with all of the kids in my group i enjoy being with them..i know where the boundary is between work and fun and they know it..its a bit weird i guess looking at it now..when again the parents are saying they can see the differences in there kids..linda said we are doing a good job but i wonder what what the motive is behind it..i cant forget that all ive been told this semester is what ive done wrong and it was a lot of stuff and then just out of nowhere its oh and by the way you are doing great with the kids...and after all the stuff with jim im not sure what i think..but that aside the two of us were talking last night and he told me that the kids are responding to us because we treat them as parents .. and not as peers like the other counselors..and i really had never thought about that before..i knew there was something about the way the other counselors did things that i didnt like and i thought they were trying to buy there affections and yes it hurt when the kids all went to them for everything ..but its not like that anymore..they respond to us and they have fun with us..even though we are the ones making them clean and do things by the book..even though we have all the groups and the dorky issues and staying in group for days..we treat them as ppl and we give them respect and trust and when they lose it they have to earn it back...i dont want to wim there affections ..and maybe that is the whole thing..i dont want to have to win them by being better than the other counselors or giving the kids what they want..i want them to get something out of the program i really do...and i think most of them have..some are talking about coming back for various reasons and that makes me sad because i know i wont be there..and its times like last night that makes me want to stay but i dont want to stay...i dont like that they are refusing the kids who need the program the most and not letting them come back..that i really dont like at all..

hmm all that aside..i really enjoyed the last few days of work...and im really excited about going to the cumberland islands on sunday..

i really hate how things are changing..mommy is dead set on going out of town for new years and that is all fine and dandy but its messing up my plans for moving..so now im moving in the middle of december and i really have less than a week to pack when i add up all the days...talk about pressure

shocked

i dont know what to do right now..jim may be leaving really really soon and its like i dont want to be selfish and ask him to stay just for my benefit and because of our last trip..its not fair to him when its been made very clear that they do not want him here..and he is upset and not sure what to do and we are working today..i dont know what to say to help him..i told him to email his resignation letter of sorts and see what happens before he really does make an permanent plans..the director sent him an email yesterday when both of them were on campus all day long and ssaid if he didnt like things then he could leave.. well that sounds like being fired to me or having to go ahead to turn in a notice ...one important little thing being jim never signed his contract..i think he could walk out today and no one could do anything to him about it..and i dont think the office ppl even realize he never signed his..and now its like he is putting in his letter again but he is counting the last letter also so basically its like he could be leaving at the end of the week..and i dont know because i do want him to stay and i told him so..i dont want to go on the last trip without him and its looking more and more like i will be..jon is on the trip now and most likely wont be able to go on the trip with me but i dont want to be by myself with karla either because she doesnt do anything but teach school..and that wont help me any when i have kids freaking out all over the place..but i know it would be incredibly selfish for me to ask him to leave after the trip..and i wouldnt do that..i know he wouldnt just leave me hanging unless he had to and i can understand that but it hurts all the same..a sub cant just pick up and leave for a week..and im not a driver so that makes it even harder...and i dont know what they would do in the office to fix this problem that they have created because the whole thing just blew up when jim asked for the money he was owed..the whole thing is really stupid because its like they are choosing to keep the ppl who dont clean up or do anything around campus and then treating me and jim like we dont matter at all and we have been here longer...it sucks because we are still the ones picking up all the slack even though we are being treated unfairly..im really having a hard time believing this is actually happening and i know ill have to go home and start packing and getting things done and it doesnt make it any easier...im to worried about the trip and who will be going on it with me now...i want to know what is happening and i know i wont be told at all once im at home..im not even told things when im at camp..i know jim will tell me but still i will just be stuck worrying because i really cant do anything to change any of this and its bothering me..i should be able to change it and i cant..i want to change it and i want things to be ok and they arent..all i can do is freak out but i cant show how seriously worried i am because it would just make things worse..so im stuck in a million different ways..i have to do my job and im trying to stay as ok as possible but i have a million different thoughts in my head and not knowing what is going to happen makes it a million times worse..tried to calm myself down yesterday and it didnt really work..trying to now and its not really working..writing was all that i could think of kinda and even this isnt really helping because the more i write the more im worrying ...scratched my arm last night with a pin thing while i was working on laundry for the kids and it helped but not for long...just have to make it through today and then i can go home tomorrow but also if jim actually completely quits he asked if he could come and stay at my apartment until he can leave and im thinking about it..i know ill say yes but at the same time i dont want to give up my space like that..and again im being completely selfish..i dont mind him staying but its like i have to do a mental sweep of my apartment and make sure everything is put away and not left around..i have razors all over my apartment and now with packing and pulling things out and getting rid of things and having more things come into my apartment makes it harder..ill just have to suck it up and agree to let him stay because i know its the right thing to do and i wouldnt just leave and know he was stranded or something..that would just be mean..but as much as i know its the right thing to do im not completely positive i want to do it either..i suck and i know its completely a space thing..im just not sure how to make it go away for a while and be ok with sharing my apartment because this isnt like when i lived with yvonne and she had to be there .its all just my stuff and i have it all over the place and having someone else storing stuff and staying in my apartment for a few weeks and being there all the time does make me really nervous..maybe i just need to work it out a bit more and think about it until im comfortable with it because either way im guessing im running out of time to make a choice..and that makes me even more nervous..

anxious

i find it really funny that one of my kids actually told me she was going to tie my hands together if i kept picking..given at the time i wasnt picking at all i was just playing with the band on my watch but its interesting that she noticed i was playing with it and it really was becoming and uncouncious thing...something has me really nervous and my stress has been up today with kids coming in at odd times and being alone with my group and having to deal with all the millions of little things that came up throughout the day and so i know im feeling a bit anxious but not to the point of picking again..and then i look at my fingers and im back to trimming my hangnails to stop myself from playing with them and pulling at them until my nails are bleeding and sore..i did that last week and a couple of my fingers ended up infected and i knew as soon as i pulled them and made them bleed i was going to be in trouble..i wasnt and no one even noticed but my first thought was holy crap i shouldnt have done that...especially because i hate when my fingers get sore because i hate doing anything with them then..but jim gave me a break tonight and i went to the grocery store to get some caffeine before i had to commit murder or something..something told me to bring my extra soda with me and i didnt do it and i thought i was going to die for a while there today..but i went to the store and made it back in less than an hour and it wasnt a big deal since jon didnt notice i was off campus gone..i dont plan on telling him but yea that helped..i made dinner and the kids liked it but i only ate the chicken because i dont like mashed potatoes or green beans..and then i ended up having to clean the kitchen with my group because the other group was a cop out and i was just so angry with jon for not helping at all and i ended up having to do the dishwasher..a bunch of kids from the other group are walking around the dining hall doing nothing and my group which is sstill missing kids had to clean up the kitchen..ugh..but its over and done with for now and thankfully there group leaves for there trip tomorrow..i am a bit excited about going to the cumberland islands..i didnt go on that trip last semester and it is exciting a bit because it really is like an island..we have to take a ferry to get there!! god i hope i dont get sea sick that would be gross and i may have to stay on the island lol..ill have to make sure andy has her camera so i can take pictures :) maybe we will see the wild horses that are there..that would be really cool..something else im noticing is that i just want to eat junk food and nothing else...i dont know why..maybe its just because im beginning to focus more on food again and not wanting to eat..and so i just eat whatever i want to and its not healthy and it just makes me even more annoyed with myself for not being able to control what i ate and what i dont eat..and then at the same time i guess im a little leery of trying to control it because it only takes a few thoughts before i can talk myself into purging and id rather not do that at work ..guess id rather not do it at all but i wont push the issue..so hopefully i get a grip and stop being a pig


but i better get going to bed..tomorrow is going to be another long day

ugh

now is so not the time to figure out that im not happy and dont know what i want to do with life anymore..i dont have the slightest idea and moving home is really just making it all seem worse..because i wont have a job and i wont have anything to fill up my day with for a while..i know that ill have to find one but i dont know how long it will take or what ill find or even where ill end up at and its seriously worrying me..oh well .. hmm guess thats all for now..im at work but just waiting for kids to come back and so its going to be a slow day today and i dont care what they do as long as they are behaving and its freezing outside and about to rain and we actually have no schedule today so im not complaining for now ..but jon is coming in and i expect for things to have to be more scheduled then.. but he is late..hows that for a boss?! how can you be late when you knew you had to work today and i bust my butt to get here on time when i dont want to really be here anyway but im on time, im never late..but whatever im doing my job and he had better not complain...but i dont know what they expect us to do with the 5 kids that are here and we are waiting for like 10 to show up through out today..so yea not thrilled about because right now there are 2 of us for 5 kids but then once other kids start showing up we will have to break them back up into there groups and the other group cant be single staffed because it never works out but my group can be for a little while..
but its not my group..so why should i worry and yet i do..because i cant just let that staff get run over ..oh well...you know for all we do and get yelled at about its like the other set of staff are being held to different standards and so they can trash camp and give the kids candy and soda everyday and no one says a thing to them about it...we come on and change the schedule a tad bit and we never hear the end of it and i dont think that is fair at all...the kitchen is a mess ..everywhere is a mess and we will have to clean it up..yea thats real fair..

thanksgiving is over

well thanksgiving is over and im back in my apartment and have been for a few hours but kinda ran some errands and played online..learned again my impluse control is kinda not there lol..i went to get the august rush soundtrack because i couldnt live without and could not see past getting it and nothing else mattered and now i have it and im fine again..i had to go to three stores in all before i found it but now i have it and its really good although im only really listening to one song for right now..but the movie was really good..i went with nia to see it yesterday and we saw enchanted too and that was also good..but i really really want to see august rush again and its been a good while since ive found a movie that i would pay to see again! kinda shocking in a way..but i found out again also in the movie that i have some serious sensory issues..parts of the movie just made me really anxious because there was to much noise going on at once and it was just getting all jumbled together and i couldnt just hear one and tune out the rest..but that aside it was a really good movie as ive said like 5 times lol..

hmm ate to much today but im not going to get on that topic because i just flat out refused to let myself go and throw up and so im feeling a bit sickish..not really to interested in getting ready for work right now..mostly i juts have to straighten up my kitchen from where i cooked dinner and then gather up laundry..nothing to interesting but for now im a bit tired and not to interested in work either..mommy talked alot about me moving home and how it was going to be done...so the next time im at home i have to pack..and all i can do is look at it all and stress out because i cant figure out where to start and i dont know what im supposed to do..ok i know what im supposed to do but i dont want to do it and i just cant let it drop because after christmas when mommy brings the moving van everything needs to be packed and ready to go..it is really overwhemling..and i dont know what to condense down to actually go home with me since i cant be a lot and im not counting clothes at all..and i found out im getting a new stove on monday..its about time! not that i use it much but its a pain in the butt to have it keep going out..and i cant find my extra set of keys to my apartment..and im not really focused much right now..

so it starts

guess ill have to make this quick but my head is all a mess right now..im cursing the fact that i have to move home and at the same time its like haha you asked for it in some stupid way..maybe im just being completely childish and selfish and blowing things way out of poportion..i dont know...last night as i was cooking and helping out in the kitchen mommy comes in and of course starts in about my weight and whether ive gained or lost and ive pretty much stayed the same the past few months but anyway..i was informed that my new years resolution will be to lose weight..funny cas i thought i was supposed to come up with my own if i wanted one or not and guess its sucks for me because now i have one already and its not even jan yet..but its going to be between me, mommy and nia...and im pretty sure nia doesnt even know shes included in it yet...and somehow money will be involved and it will be a monthly thing..person who loses the most gets such and such..its the most outlandish thing ever and so stupid ...why does it have to be such a big deal? who cares what i weigh and what i dont? why does it matter..and i guess its just that its always mattered on some level..nia has fallen from grace for gaining weight and i suck for not losing any..