trying to accept and be ok with the fact that i need a day to regroup and chill out and not feel guilty about it...yep

what happened yesterday ???

i think everything kinda caught up with me yesterday...i can home and crashed completely...without taking meds even...i was sleep before 5pm...and then woke up confused thinking it was morning at aroudn 7/8 and thinking i was so tired and going back to sleep.....and yeah...later realized it was night time still and not morning...now its morning and im trying to wake up and figure out what it is that i need to do today..and instead im like omg i just slept for almost 12 hours or something..wth ??? nothing was waking me up...good grief....missed the entire day yesterday....crud

Welcoming my niece

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Tonight I welcome my niece Noa Mckena Jackson into the world. 

I was not present for the birth, but I was called as soon as the baby was born and sent pictures. 

I will forever believe that it was Nicole who watched over the baby, and helped her safely come into the world. 

I am doubly thankful for both Nicole and Noa ... I love them both completely and forever. 

Nicole Legree Hunt (1983 - 1986)

Nicole Legree Hunt (1983 - 1986) - Find A Grave Memorial


I created a memorial for my sister.  Linked above.

Today and For always you are remembered.

July 30 - Aug 4th 
will forever be your time to shine 
and i will forever believe that you watched out for baby Noa today. 
Thank you and I love you forever 

am i still hiding?

What is it that makes me want to hide the real me from my real facebook page..these are the people i know, family, friends, coworkers...and yet i still feel the need to only put up happy stuff..to be careful what i post so i dont offend anyone..i know its my page and i can do what i like with it..but the fear is there and it is all so real...all i want to do is write that im having a hard time..struggling ..and im afraid...i am worried about what people will think of me..what will people say about me...maybe it is the invalidation that worries me...having someone tell me that i need to smile or that i have so much to be happy for or whatever...but no one else is living my life..no one else knows what i am going through or dealing with..and right now..the sadness continues to win...the sadness overwhelms me...and my thoughts drive me to take medication and just pass out...ignore the world and everything in it...im tired ...

just keep holding on a little longer...and things will get better...and be less stressful...

just a litttle bit longer.

dont give up

taking responsility...

so i need to take responsibility for a few things...my job performance is slacking majorly...and
i need to take responsibility for that...i like my job..i want to keep my job..and that means doing what is needed inorder to keep my job...and that means doing my work...the paperwork part of it...all of it....no more turning in things late...no more being a pain and avoiding the office...

this is because of my not wanting to do it..being tired, not feeling well..oh i have all the excuses..i do...but that is all they are..excuses...and excuses are not going to keep me from getting fired when it comes down to the wire...and i would rather keep my job.  and right now i am most likely hanging on to it by a thread...

i need to take responsibility for my apartment being so messy....again things that i just am not doing...wasting all of my time laying down, sleeping, being online...anything and everything to avoid cleaning..to avoid doing anything remotely productive....

i need to take responsibility for not showing up for work when i say i will

i need to take responisbilty for just not caring lately...for a lot of reasons i havent cared..and it is going to stop...it is going to be different...i cant stay behind with my work...i cant live and be on my own without a job..and so these are the things that i need to do...for myself...i need to get things done..and no one else..

i cant keep making excuses for myself...i cant keep pretending that i am doing things i know good and well that i am not doing...

and i need to take responsibility for not taking care of taji and bounce like i should....yes i feed them and pet them and love them..but there are little things...i dont play with taji much anymore...i dont tickle bounces stomach ..

especially now ..when things are so up in the air with my sister...and so i am planning to go to see her at the end of aug..to visit ... to get away from life here..to have a change...and ill take the half a pay check to do it....i want to go...and since i know i cant stop and drop everything and drive up there...i have to plan it..i have to make it work...

yes i have to take care of me..and well with that comes being honest about things...and i havent been doing that...i have been hiding..sleeping..avoiding...pretending...all the things im so good at...but no...

time to get a grip..and stop it...and i will because again...everything is a choice ...a choice that i am making..good or bad..positive or negative...its a choice...and well i want to make better choices...and i am in charge of that happening....soooo.. again..it is up to me..it is my choice....and it is in my power to turn things around...

i am not selfish ....

i am not selfish..i dont care what she says..for so long i believed her..took on everything she said to me...but not this time..she said i was selfish and i said no i wasnt...

i hate being c alled selfish..i go out of my way to be nice and helpful and caring to others..even when im not feeling well or feeling sad and not wanting to be around anyone ..im very careful to give and help and care

im not selfish

screw her and what she tries to make me believe,,, i told her i wasnt selfish

poem - creative writing

*A creative writing blurb* - The prompt 'My mental illness is like'
this is mine

My mental illness is like
Being trapped in a world
That only I can see
That only I can hear
Where the shadows speak
And the darkness consumes
I can run and hide
But there is no escape
The words and actions of the past
Haunt me by day and come alive by night
I listen to them cry, and scream and ask why
I deal with the harm, the excuses, the lies
I smile because there is no choice
I smile because I want to believe
That after the pain
After the hurt, and tears and blame
That my mental illness will find its peace
And leave me safely to rest and become
A willing participant in a world of my choosing
Be it one that I live in alone or
One that I live in with others
My mental illness will be laid to rest
Without fear or corruption
It will have played its part in learning
About honesty and truth
About what is real and what is false
In a world where seeing is not always believing
My mental illness will no longer by my security blanket
I will move from under it
And embrace the life that was mine all along.

JadedLabyrinth 2013

i have calmed down....

yesterday..i managed to get completely overwhelmed very quickly.and not feeling good just made the whole thing worse you know...

but i have thought through a lot of the mess from yesterday and well have come to terms with some things..and still up in the air and worrying about other things...

firstly ..i have to get my work turned in...regardless...by tomorrow...or i will be put back on probation...something that i do not want to happen..so notes will be turned in tomorrow...

money..is well always an issue..and allowing ppl to borrow money that i dont have is going to have to stop...i cant take care of myself if im loaning out all i have and waiting for it to be paid back...no...and i refuse to feel guilty about it..i can say no..i have a right to be able to take care of myself..i try to help and want to keep ppl happy and that is where i get myself into these situations...and i end up more stuck than anything else..and i hate it..and it juts makes me more anxious and worried and scared....and ive done a lot to help this person..i have...but i dont have the money to share right now..and well if that makes you mad then i am sorry you feel that way..but again it is how you are feeling..not how i am feeling...and if me not loaning you money is gonna cause you to have an attitude and be mean and rude then yeah..its time for a change...

i am standing up for myself a little bit more..and saying no sometimes..and sometimes i am worn down by the asking and change my mind...which is something i know i will have to work on...

but i have calmed down...i am taking it a step at a time.  cas other wise i am jut gonna get all annoyed and overwhelmed again....

I am a recovering self harmer...

It is really interesting the things that get my attention or upset me.  I self harmed for more than 10 years.  I did it all, I cut, I burned, I took pills, I binged, I purged, I starved, I hated everything that I was..I hated everything that I could about myself and refused to allow anyone to tell me any different...

Today I have been 'clean' of self harm in the form of cutting, etc for just about 7 months.  I no longer make the choice to hurt myself.  I am in therapy, Im on meds, I have to be careful of triggers, and becoming overwhelmed but again I make the choice each time for whether or not I want to hurt myself.

When did my thinking change?  When did it suddenly become more okay to just deal with myself, without labeling, without judging? When did it become okay for me to talk about self harm without wanting it, without wanting that release?  Somewhere along the line, I started to think more freely in the past 2 years actually.  Suddenly it was more important to stop, than it was to continue.

Im not saying its all peaches and cream right now. Im not living on cloud nine.  I am still sad some days, still struggle with the thoughts, and the questions. The change is that, I no longer hide behind the self harm.  It was a behavior, it does not define who i am, or who i will be. 

I am actually sitting trying and trying hard to NOT apologize for something I posted to someone on facebook. Am I wrong?  Self harm is a choice you make, it is a decision, impulsive or not, there are multiple moments for which you can stop preparing to cut..put away the tools. Just walk away from it all and take a break.  No I dont think I am wrong because this comes from experience.  This is not me preaching or trying to be controlling and make someone stop. No, I understand the urges, the want, the release, and the escape it provides.  My life is just no longer ruled by those wants. I can get past them, some days faster than others but that is my choice to make.

So i will not apoligize for what i consider to be true.  I will not apologize for my experiences.

this week has drained me ....

this has been a really hard week..and i know ive been trying to deal with it and escape it at the same time..and so yeah ive been sleeping ... a lot ..took valium yesterday..only one though..

but really how much is one person expected to take in one week ?
-kitten died
-doc is leaving
-t is out of town
-pdoc is out of the office
-first job place is closing down
-completely out of money
-sister is sick and pregnant and anything could happen ...was in the hospital for most of yesterday
-my clients are pissed at me ...with good reason
-kathy is out of town

and its like ok ..everyone has deserted me all at the same time ...and this week has sucked and everyone is gone...and so yep..shut down mode extreme...went to sleep and slept and ignored a lot of stuff this week..everything is to hard right now...im frustrated and scared and worried and annoyed...im babysitting this weekend..so maybe that is a good thing..if nothing else it distracts me a bit...well not being kicked out of my own bed..but i dont mind the kids being here...im not alone at least...

i actually looked at razors in the store the other day..and i wanted them..but didnt buy them...i couldnt..i wouldnt...ugh...this week may have sucked royally but there was no need for me to make myself hurt anymore than i was already hurting..

i dont know ..just feeling pretty lost and aimless right now ...

RIP Flower 7-7-13 thru 7-9-13

Meet Flower.... she was only 3 days old but she died this morning.  I want to think that she knew she was loved and cared for in the short time span of her life.

loved her already.

where im at....

ok well my head is now full of thoughts and wants and worries so im going to try to write a little bit and then get to actually doing some work before i have to leave the office...

ok deep breath and calm down...

im tired..well guess thats the first thing..eh thats nothing new though..im always tired...like i want to go home and go to sleep so bad right now...but well cant cas of work and all that ...blah...

see the doc next week and hoping that she can shed some light on the whole stomach issues that i am having..spending a lot of time in the bathroom again..and i think i would prefer the stupid gallbladder pain to not being able to eat..cas if she tells me to do the whole rice, applesauce, toast or whatever diet ..im gonna scream bloody murder in the doctors office...i would rather just watch what i eat and just deal with it..i dont know...it pisses me off that im getting sick again after eating..and yesterday was pretty bad..and all i had was subway..a sub..turkey and ham and cheese..mustard. let, tomatoes, pickles..salt and pepper...what in that should have made me sick??  but i know my food isnt digesting right..because i am able to identify things after going to the bathroom...and i dont know why that is happening..i dont know why my medicine is coming out again...i dont freaking know why it takes less than an hour for food to go all the way through my body and then decide that it cant handle it and yeah..i end up having issues...its frustrating..because sometimes i can time it ..sometimes i cant..sometimes its fine and nothing happens anyway...and sometimes like yesterday..i end up in pain and end up at home because im hurting...i dont understand...i really really dont..

add in the fact that the meds make me not want to eat and that i am losing weight and its like..fuck me..im not sure i want to lose weight like this..im really not..and at the same time im crazy enough that its like ..yes finally losing weight..finally gonna get everyone off my back...finally doing what everyone wants me to do..and so on and so forth..

i just dont know what ppl want from me anymore...how much changing do i need to do exactly??

and the whole therapy thing...i have to admit i am improving..i am not as depressed..i dont want to die..im not worrying about whether or not i am good enough all the time...no..im ok..most of the time...im managing..im not cutting...eating issues..yeah..but there are different circumstances making that worse...and so i wonder if i do need to be in therapy anymore...i really wonder...i wonder what i want to work on...i wonder what it is that i need to work on..is it past stuff..is it present stuff ?? i really dont know right now...im trying to think about it and im trying to figure it out..and im not pleased that there are two weeks where i wonnt be seeing alice because she is out of town...ugh...but i gotta figure out where i want to go with this...and as much as i dont want too..i think im gonna go ahead and move it to every other week...right now i dont need to see her weekly..and im rellying on her a lot i think..still..although she makes me answer my own questions and what not...but yeah a lot to think about with that in the next couple weeks...off the top of my head..its dealing with the anger....eye contact/fear...gaining self confidence / trust..or continuing that one...ive been with alice a year..and for most of that time i havent cut..ive been suicidal yes..wanted to cut..came very very close to cutting..but didnt in the end..and ive almost reached 7 months without cutting at all...its been a while since ive made it this long...its been forever since i havent relied on it...used it to make me feel better...things really have changed a lot..i mean ..no i still dont have the highest level of like for myself..but im not comtemplating whether or not im going to have to kill myself for messing something up...im beginning to stand up for myself with mommy and not giving in to her and everything that she wants or doesnt want..and not letting her rule everything i do...and im making my own choices..and well mommy is just mommy..she can say what she wants..do what she wants..and try to tell me whatever it is that she wants to tell me...but in the end im still making my own choices...im doing things on my own..without her ..without her input...and that is something that i never really figured would happen...im pulling away from her...i am..and that is what i need to do...i cant change her..but i can change me...and thats the important thing...

annnnnd i want some freaking chicken wings lol..the bbq ones from wing zone...yum yum yummers...maybe tonight for dinner...dont know yet

but ok..calmed down a bit..so back to work...well starting to work... heh