my world has stopped

my world has stopped moving in a sense..im feeling to many things and im struggling to put things into words..i can feel myself wanting to react ..wanting to hurt and im trying to remain safe but with each hour my desire to stay safe decreases,,and i am wondering what i am going to do..or not do .. or whatever..my thinking is negative and numb and sometimes my head just feels so empty.. well since yesterday ... i am broken

i saw my therapist yesterday and she told me that this would be her last week..that she found another job...somewhere in my head/heart i know i am happy for her...but right now all i feel is hurt..i am angry..sad..betrayed..and very very hurt...there was no real warning..i hadnt seen her for 3 weeks! and i go see her yesterday only to find out that this is her last week..and she told me and i automatically started shutting down..i wouldnt look at her..i said no to everything and left early..it was to painful..i was trying so hard not to cry..so i told her i would just leave early...i almost made it out of the building before i started to cry...driving and crying like that probably wasnt the best idea but i couldnt sit in the parking lot either .. so i came home .. i cant really process all that happened. i know i shut her out and it happened without any real thought from me..it just happened.. she mentioned that she will be seeing ppl on thusrday evening ..but that i wouldnt be able to come every week..and so i dont think that is going to be helpful..i dont want a new person ..i give up on therapy..she is the longest i have been with one therapist and actually talked to her..i dont..i cant start over..
old thoughts take over my head..pretending and hiding and getting by..that is all i have to do..and just slip by unnoticed...that is all i can do..for now though..silence is all i want..

fear

ive been having bad dreams...every night this week...every time they are filled with death and fear and im never able to save anyone..i cant even save myself...dreams about being at home..being in the hospital..trying my hardest and still failing miserably ...icant save my family, i cant save sarah..icant even save the cats...im awful and useless....i dont want to sleep and i am feeling incredibly anxious and afraid...im worried that i will lose everyone and everything..im worried that i will end up alone and lost ... and i dont know..i feel aimless right now..unsure of what it is that i need to do...im trying to find some sort of happiness but i just want to cry...i dont know what to do with myself ..

depression ...

my mood has gradually hit rock bottom and i am struggling to remember why it is that i am alive..i feel sad..like more than just sad..like there is nothing left in me..and i dont know why...i am scared and worried about things ...i want to be happy for the holidays..i want to be happy so very very much..and still i cant even seem to do that...and i have no where for my thoughts to go..another week with no therapy..its like the pressure builds in my skull and there is no release..no safety valve...im nervous...ive found a razor but im not supposed to cut...im supposed to be good .. and im failing at that every day..i just want to go away..

No therapy and other stuff

I went to therapy on Monday only to find out that Anita was on vacation..and will be on vacation for two weeks.. I was more upset that I wasn't told..and I showed up..and then couldn't talk to her....maybe that is why my anxiety is up right now..I'm picking my fingers apart..like literally peeling the skin off of my fingers..gross I know..I try to stop and just as quickly I start up again..I don't know...

Mommy is better and at home now..she flew back Tuesday... I still won't be seeing her til Christmas though..

My eating is getting better though..I can tell a difference in my body already...I still have a long way to go but its getting better.. I m still having some stomach issues but every day it eases a little bit more..now I just have to stay with it and make it through the holidays !

I'm currently wasting away doing laundry.. This has to be the most boring thing ever!!! And its not even all of it..ugh...kill me now!

Yesterday was great

Sarah and I went to movies and out to dinner yesterday.. It was a lot of fun and nice to get out and have fun..we saw the trolls movie..I loved it :)

where do i go from here ?

well this has been an eventful week...and as it is coming to an end..i feel like i need to find some direction or something in my life..but the thing is..right now i dont want direction.. in all honesty..im tired of direction..i want a chance to do nothing for a little while..to get my self back on level ground..and i think im just going to focus on the holidays for now and getting through them...i know my stress and what not is always elevated this time of year and so maybe having more time to just not be expected to do anything is a good idea...i still have a job..i still have things to do...but i have more time during the day to get things done...but i want time to get my head in a better place..once again im wanting stabillity for my own issues..and then ill move forward into looking for another job..but im not going to stress myself out about it...i have paid all my bills for this month and now my attention is on other things...im tired but im ok with my current decisions.  and i might get a kitten... that particular decision is still in debate mode :)

thoughts on the election

i really wish i could turn off the news..i wish i could ignore all the newsfeeds..the calls to action..the protests..the hate..the injustice...the knowledge that so so many people didnt vote...but most of all i wish i could turn off the fact that trump is the president...

i try not to post political things or things that cause a huge divide because i hate the division. i hate knowing that as a nation we have voted in a man who has no love for anyone other than himself )in my opinion). I am speaking for myself.  I am speaking on my own thoughts. 

I have loosely followed the election, I grew tired of them attacking each other.  I grew tired of the threats, the shame, the guilt, the name calling.  They acted like children throughout the whole election.  It was disheartening and so i stopped watching, but that did not get rid of the election.  I still heard what was going on, I still listened, and I still saw.

When i woke up on wednesday morning and saw who won i didnt know what to do.  I was upset, scared, worried..i am still those things..but again i am bombarded with being told i need to protest..that i dont care if i didnt vote one way..or that voting 3rd party was stupid..there is protesting and it breaks my heart.  There are children bullying other children..telling them to go home..taunting them with yells of "build the wall"..people are being attacked..and my world slowly narrows with each passing day..

i dont feel safe...i am worried when i leave the house..my paranoia has increased ... because i am a women, because i am black, because i am a lesbian, because i am not normal...the odds are swiftly stacking against me..and with everything going on its like i have to ask myself what extra minority class do i fall into...all things that i had no choice in..but all things that will condemn me..

but i have to keep living..i have to keep making it...i cant cave in and give up..and i cant predict the future..i dont know what is going to happen..i truly dont..but i have enough worries going on that adding in the state of the entire usa is a bit much...like i have to keep reminding myself to focus on what is going on right now...what do i need to manage right now..i cant worry about what things might be like a year from now..crap i cant even worry about a month from now..i stop functioning if i skip to far ahead and try to come up with a plan that has no basis..no foundation... i need something concrete to happen..something concrete to fight against...words alone mean nothing..again this is my opinion ..

all of the protests change nothing...the rioting just ends up with more people being hurt...the bullying and harming of others because they are different hurts..and all of it together makes me feel so alone..but i have to keep going ... i wont hate ...  i wont hurt anyone else ... i wont hate ..

saying goodbye

the hardest ..saddest part of leaving my job...was saying goodbye to the clients and knowing i would not be seeing them again... they tell me have a good weekend and see you on monday and i cant respond :(  i wish i could make them understand..but maybe its better that i cant..maybe in there world there is no such thing as goodbye..and they will just think that they will see me again..that i will show up one day..that i will return and pick up where i left off with them...and it hurts..i can put on a brave face..but it hurts.. :(  maybe its better i wasnt able to tell them goodbye...

randomness of life right now

well...to continue with the randomness of today...i made the reservations to go to my sisters for christmas...well sarah and i of course...we have to stay at a hotel because i do not even want to begin to argue with mommy over the bedroom..so we will go to a hotel and just cut out the drama.. with me getting rid of my other job i know it will be a bit tighter financially but we will need to start figuring out who will be getting what for christmas...

ill be staying here for thanksgiving..no plans of going anywhere at all..just relaxing ...cooking....hanging out...im not going to make a gigantic dinner but we will have a nice little set up...turkey, loaded mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, gf stuffing, broccoli and carrots and gf rolls of some sort...the entire meal will be gf ... im so proud of myself for making the efforts to make changes ...im slowly moving back into not eating gluten..i didnt go off of it cold turkey..but im giving myself the option you know..ive almost managed to get it down to only one meal with gluten during the day..vs all meals having gluten!  im working on it seriously..let me get this down and then ill work on my sudden growing soda habit..essh .. i am having pizza for dinner today though..but ive planned on that...

i went to aldi yesterday and found gf stuffing!  gf chicken soup, a better gf bread and gf wraps...im pretty excited..and they did not cost me my first born child..so that was super good...

mood is kinda down..ok a lot down..ive been reading a lot and watching movies...trying to escape..sarah isnt feeling well and im worried about her...its sad being here without bounce..it really is...but each day managed is a good one i think..

mommy

all day my thoughts have gone back and forth..im scared and worried and still crying off and on ... the day started off like any other monday..but i got to work and all hell broke lose with family stuff... i missed some calls from nia but wayne managed to get me ... mommy had a heart attack... to put it nicely i totally and utterly lose it at work..they wouldnt let me leave until i calmed down...as i tried to explain why i needed to go home and couldnt be understood because i was crying so hard..eventually i got out what the phone call was and calmed down and came home...well mostly calmed down..i talked to nia, henry and wayne...henry had come home from work too...this is major..this is all encompassing .. this is just to much.its like the world has been pulled out from underneath me and im left with no idea of what to do...im forced to wait..i could try calling her again but i want her to actually rest..but i am still freaked out..

the story as pieced together as it will get..is that mommy got sick last night and called uncle clyde who came over and stayed with her...she still wasnt feeling better this morning and went to the hospital... mommy never willinginly goes to the hospital..ever..so for her to agree to go means this was a major deal...she goes the the hospital and they transfer her to the cardiac hospital after figuring out she had a heart attack...i managed to talk to her for a few minutes while she was being transported from one hospital to the other...but she got to the second hospital where they ran tests and found that she had a 100% blockage and immediately took her to surgery...and she got through the surgery fine and is in icu now..she wont be released for a few days and the doc most likely wont be clearing her to fly home ..so she will have to stay in ohio for a bit..

and that is where things are at for now...we are all passing messages and phone calls back and forth to let everyone know what is going on...and the eye opening part is that mommy said she had been feeling sick for a few days..lightheaded, nausous, etc and didnt go to the hospital..explained it away as something else..and now she is in the hospital..hours away for a heart attack..she was supposed to be on vacation...she was supposed to be coming home today and for this to happen...i am scared...very very scared ...

i just cant ...

once again i am left wondering how it is i keep failing at work stuff...ive tried explaining it to mommy and her response is that i need this job..i need to keep this job..and it makes me feel like i have no other options..that i have to stay at a job that is not a good fit for me..because i have no choice..because i screwed up...i tried to explain that my hours are being decreased..her response was well now i have time for a THIRD job...yes she actually said this ..that i should go back to working part time at a job ive had before..and at that point i just stopped trying...right now i work 8 - 5 or 6 ...which overlaps my other job which is technically 3:30 to ll:30..monday through friday... my docs tell me there is always time for doing things for myself and i really wonder what extra time they are talking about! i mean my second job is not taxing and i do have time to chill and what not...but where exactly do i fit in a third job? where do i make time for me to do anything that all other than work in some form or fashion? my hours for sat & sun go from 8am - 11am...given i am technically working and laying in bed since i live here too lol..but ugh...ive been thinking about all of this since yesterday when i talked to mommy and no matter how i try to work it .. i cant see myself having three jobs and i told mommy that i wouldnt get a third job...i cant...mentally i can not handle a third job...crap im struggling with 2..and if im not working im sleep..i keep looking at my schedule and trying to find extra time..i keep thinking that i have to find some time..i need to find another job..i cant not work..i have to keep doing things or i fail...the whole conversation yesterday made me feel like an utter failure...again