thinking in overdrive

sometimes i am left really truly wondering if i am a bad person..if i am really awful and evil and selfish and then get mixed up with trying to figure out what is true and what isnt true..it is confusing to condemn myself and then stop believing it all within the same time frame...

going home is a trigger...actually i think that some how i have managed to trigger myself and i dont exactly know how but mood is taking a big big nose dive and im kinda at a loss for what to do to help..ok not at a lost but i gotta get past the 'i dont care' feelings..and then ill do something..maybe.  maybe ill just go to sleep and stop thinking about all of it..there is a lot on my mind right now and i am worrying a lot about things..things i cant control..my head hurts...ive had a headache all day..it stinks...

there is a point to this i think..sometimes i start writing and then forget completely what it is that i was writing about...

sometimes i get caught up in the whole this is what is wrong with me..and i start to list the labels and it is a waste of time..i mean i am who i am ..labels or no labels..and right now i am having a depressing period but it will go away again..just gotta last through it..and if that means laying here and rambling on and on about nothing then so be it...

i think there are things on my mind from going home..and i dont know how to talk about them..i dont know how to deal with the thoughts and so i hide them..hide away from them..but they are still there..they keep overwhelming me at all the wrong times...

the first issue is relating to being adopted..
the second issue is what happened when i was a a teen or something...

the first being a family secret...the 2nd being something that happened that i was blamed heavily for ..because of my age...and i took the blame..i still have the blame..and even now i want to scream my innoence to anyone that will listen..but to get the whole thing out in words is super hard..to acknowledge what it is that i was blamed for..and what i let happen without stopping it..


and im going to stop because i am feeling incredibly angry right now

something i dont want to forget .....

while at home this weekend...there was an incident that i dont want to forget because it is important...because i know it happened...

i was getting my hair done....mommy was in the kitchen, uncle jr, and nia...and they were talking about something to do with babies...and the kids mommy used to have...watch..whatever ...

uncle jr made a statement..he said...

i remember when you got both of them...talking about my sister and the other little girl whose name i was never able to remember..(angelica)

mommy jumped right in and said

you mean when i got angelica..


never did she say anything about being pregnant or having any of us...never...there are no pictures...we all just sorta show up...

but i already know i am adopted...i know nia and henry are adopted...we all know sissy and wayne and the older siblings are adopted..how much my younger brother and sister actually remember i dont know...not that we were told so much as just i was nosey...and the more she tried to get me to stop ..the more i was determined to go through everything...and i found the adoption papers on my younger brother and sister...i found the newspaper article for my sister and i...i know the name of the adoption agency..but the agency is no longer in business...

but no one will tell me anything.not that i have asked...but all the adults ..all the aunts and uncles and everyone ..someone should know something...someone should have told us/me the truth...its to late now to go back obviously ... but anything can happen...and this seems to be a secret that mommy is intent on taking to the grave with her...and i juts dont understand why :(

Sisters baby shower

 

Well the baby shower was a success.  the first party i have ever had a part in planning in my life and it turned out really well. i never want to throw another party again! but yes it went well.  This is a picture of the cake i picked out :)..my sister was super surprised !!! 

but i was in charge at the shower..like having to talk in front of everyone and plan the schedule and get everyone going to the games and food and stuff...i hid out a couple times when i got super overwhelmed and was juts having a bit to much going on in my head and feeling nervous and stuff...

but no one else was helping me....like with getting everyones attentino and things..and so i was left to do it..left to run the games and all of that..and i was scared but i did it..i had too...i didnt want to mess up my sisters shower...

and by the time ppl were leaving i was worn out completely...tired and sore and achy and wanting to stay away from ppl completely for a while..and just worn out...im still worn out and its monday..the party was saturday...its just there were about 30 ppl there..and i had to speak in front of them..and be social and talk and keep things on track and it was alot and it was so out of my comfort zone...but again i did it...

and i made this punch ... i kid you not i juts threw it together ..and everyone liked it lol...it was so funny..i was asked repeatedly what was in it..and im like umm ppl i really truly just threw that together in like 10 mins and made it up while at the grocery store!!!

it was a good time though..and i will..i can say that i am proud of myself..i know it went well..i was told it went well..

it was super uncomfortable having everyone looking at me lol..but well got past it...

eating changes ....

you would think i would be rather thrilled that im not wanting to eat as much right now..and i am..but im also annoyed..i mean heck not eating is great for me because it keeps my binging down...and i lose weight..the issue it that now im all mad cas i like eating and not being able to eat makes me upset...how weird is that ???  i want to eat gosh darn it..i wanted my breakfast this morning..and i felt like i was stuffing myseelf trying to finish and i couldnt even finish my food...my usual at ihop that i can eat without a real issue and this morning it was a struggle..and this makes me upset...why in the hell does this make me upset????? i dont understand myself at all right now..

where the last week has gone ....

i was going to write this later but well...the thoughts are on my mind now and i better get them somewhere before i forget what it is that i want to write down...

i had forgotten about this particular entry...dont know why..my head is pretty out of it right now...fuzzy..confused..having lots of trouble concentrating...

when i wrote the other post i was feeling pretty bad depressed wise....but had pdoc and t the next day and saw both of them...and worked out a med change that i seem to be handling much better...she switched me over to the other form of welbutrion..so instead of being on sr im now on xl..and i think it is working...i dont have much to go on really cas right as i was changing the meds..i caught a cold...and it has turned out to be a pretty bad cold at that...

hmm wed my throat started hurting..wasnt a major thing...just kinda noticed and moved on...thursday it was worse..hurt eating..headaches..general confusion..not having energy or motivation to do anything at all...did go and pick up some mucinex..cas i was coughing and i knew i wsas trying to get the cold to come out but it wouldnt ..and mucinex does help with that part of things...friday comes along and im worse not better...everything is still going on...go back to the pharmacy and get a different type of medication...changed to the dayquil/nyguil stuff..and thought it helped a little bit..eating was still a major pain because it hurt to swallow anything at all..cept soup...so my diet for the past 4 or so days has been soup, tea, or bread..with the occasional something else thrown in until i gave up trying to eat it...watermelon worked too...saturday comes along and i wwake up and cant open on of my eyes which freaks me out..cas i start thinking i have pink eye....got my eye cleared up and it was a little pink but not the itching hurting that comes along wtih pink eye...mom and sister both telling me i sound awful...which brings me to yesterday...again i had been taking the over the counter stuff..and it juts wasnt working so great...again being told i sound awful..and that it was hard to understand me talking...i wanted to give it one more day..before going to the ER ...because that was the only option...ER because the clinic i go to you have to have an appt to be seen..and so i knew i wouldnt be able to be seen there...i was kinda hoping i could slip in and see my med doc and get her to prescribe me something ..but it didnt get to that point...at first i was fighting hard not to go to the hospital..putting my hope and well wellbeing into the over the counter stuff and hoping it would kick in..but i was miserable..congested..hungry and not hungry..cold and hot..and trying to breathe and talk at the same time was getting harder..and so yesterday afternoon when mommy again pushed going to the ER i didnt fight her on it..i was tired..i was sick..i couldnt see any other way out of it really..and at that point i dont even think i cared...i was a little angry that i couldnt wait until tomorrow you know...but oh well on that one...

so off to the ER i go...driving slowly because my attention is all over the the place and i cant focus...the long freaking walk from my car to the emergency room about did me in..i was so tired!! but no one else was in there and so i was checked in immediately..and almost juts as quickly got a face mask to keep my germs to myself..i was taken back to a room just as fast...and the doc came and saw me almost immediately...talked about what had been going on..meds i was taking..etc...tested me for strep..i was just glad i got to lay down and not have to do anything for about an hour...finally the doc lets me now its nothing major..no strep..no pink eye..no im gonna die tomorrow..etc...he told me i have an upper respiratory infection with a bit of bronchitis thrown in...and so i left the er in 3 hours (no kidding) and headed (very slowly) to the pharmacy..only to fi nd out that the 3 prescriptions where going to be over $100...money that i didnt have at all...ready to cry and freak out i called mommy and she told me she would get the money..so i ended up borrowing the money from my sister and her husband to my utter humilation..promised them a million times to pay them back..but the whole thing was overwhelming ..and i was beginning to cry while at the pharmacy...so got the medicine and some juice and just came home..started the antibiotic and the steriod thing right away...the inhaler i do find a bit amusing .because i havent had to use one since i was a kid..spent yesterday evening sleeping off and on...but headache wouldnt go away at all...finally at around 11pm figured out i hadnt eaten since like 7am..and should prolly fix something..so made my little english muffin sandwiches with fruit and some chips..and some orange juice...stayed up a bit longer..and then again fell asleep...silly me had left the sugary stuff from making tea earlier in the day all over the counter in the kitchen..and so my surprise at finding the ant kingdom on my counter was not pleasant...got that cleaned up and sprayed down..before fixing my food..ugh i hate ants..but now the sugar is safely in the fridge away from the like creepers...and this week once i catch up once again on work stuff..i will be giving the apartment a good once over..well once i can do it without having a 'i cant breathe attack' but there is a major need to find some order in the chaos that is my apartment..and i think that will help with feeling better too...

but that all brings me to this morning..and pretty much where i am at now...already took the antibiotic since i managed to get that one started at 5pm yesterday..but im up early so its not a big big deal..trying to wait till at least 8 to take the other meds with my regular medication..and i have to actually eat with the steroid one..ugh..so at 8 will take those....i was waiting for the energy boost but i think its taking affect pretty slowly lol.just my luck...i did manage to start some laundry and take out the trash though so that was a plus..and dang it im getting tired again ...freck...

but the coughing has been more productive this morning...as in im actually getting the gunk trapped in my lungs and sinuses out...its so gross though... so so gross...having to do that hacking nails on a chalkboard throat clearing to get the gunk up and out..and it hate when other ppl do it..and hate it juts as much when i do it !! it drives me crazy..and yep its so gross..but its coming out...gotta keep telling myself that..

but i am feeling better already...and it hasnt even been 24 hours yet..my throat isnt as sore...im becoming less congested the more i cough gunk up...i can think again a little bit...im more interested in what is going on around me..

my body took a beating these last 3 or so weeks ... and i know i will need to take it slow to regroup and once again get back to where i can manage and not tire out so quickly...but today will be an at home paper work day...no going anywhere..while im getting used to the meds..and all of that....

but maybe laying down for just a little bit longer will be ok..

whats going on .... changes

im sorry in advance if this doesnt make sense..im trying to sit up and write but head is still spinning and iim not thinking all the clear ..stupid cold ..but anyway


i had a sorta lunch meeting wed with my old supervisor..and i had been waiting patiently for her to get her businness going and all that since she left the office..ooh about a year and a half ago...we have stayed in touch...big time stay ed in touch..

well talked to her wed and she told me that within the next 3 months she plans to have the boys program up and running...a home for boys ages 5 - 12....

the position she offered me (like she actually started the conversation with i know you have kept asking to live with me) !..is a live in overnight position...i would be moving into the home with the boys which would mean downsizing majorly for me...because i would be going from an apartment to a room...but i get to keep my cats with me!! ... my days are free so i can do whatever i wanted..have another job or not ..i wouldnt have to pay any household bills anymoree..which would allow me time to save and catch up on some of the outstanding bills i have floating around..

there was be an easier way for me to get health insurance through the hospital because there will be a decrease in income ..i would still be making a paycheck..and i would get to work with children again... and i will be back to seeing my supervisor almost daily which has the kids so excited...and this is working with a lady who knows that i have 'issues' some big ones..and still she offered me the job..and of course there is the piece that i will no longer be living alone...

i will be a change..and take some getting used to..but i think i can make it work..having my own place isnt that important..i just need my own space...and it will be less stress having the hours for when the kids are actually sleeping..and these will be more low risk kids so no super major behaviors...some behaviors...but not restraint worthy behaviors..

we have thought about it none stop for the past 2 and a half days and cant see any reason as all to not take the job....really cant..becuase there would still be time and space to work on our own stuff..or have a small part time job..and time to go and visit my sister ! we even did a pros and cons list..adn there were only 2 real cons..and about 12 pros..

and the kids are talking about it in a way that says that will get a family again...a good family...thankfully my super visor will keep the boundaries in place..and of course we would be learning to keep the boundaries in place..but starting off ..the supervisor is strong enough for both of us...(i have worked with and spoken to her on a personal level quite a bit, and yes the question of living with her had come up quite often...

but it is the change i have wanted..it is the job i have been for pateintly...ive waited and waited for her to tell me this news..and now she tells me and it only took two days to decide..really less than two days cas i would go with her anywhere..literally..

i am excited i am..right now though im juts to sick to care about anything ..

but i have about 2/3 months to downsize..pack...and figure out what it is that we absolutely need lol..its like going back to college gosh darng it!!!! and we wont discuss how i have clothes everywhere (in the closet, on the closet, out of the closet, in baskets)well you get the idea...a lot of downsizing to do !

but this will be a good move i think..this is somethingi want...now to juts keep my current job..because my plan is to reduce my hours there to part time..and only have a couple clients to work with during the day...and then having my full time job at nights...

and we will be able to get out of this financial hole of school bills and med bills and all of that..

ok
now going back to lay down

jls