jobs

i got two calls today about job interviews..one i turned down because im not really into getting back into the 4 days or 4 days off routine and working weekends..no..and then the other i set up an appointment for next week! and im going to be intereviewed for two jobs at the same time.

i am happy i am but im also really surprised because i had just talked to the employment place where i had to send the applications and the guy was telling me it could take up to two months! so i wasnt really expecting to hear and anything at all and then out of the blue ( its been about two weeks since i sent in the applications) i get a call asking for an interview..

ok so i have all week to freak out about it because its next wed..

lack of motivation

some times i realy do wonder how it is ppl can stay so motivated to do things.. to just stay on top of work and home life and fun and friends and family and everything..and fit it in and not break down...i can barely manage two things at once..much less all of that and expect to get anything done..right now work is suffereing because i cant focus..i dont want to do the paperwork..i know i have to turn it in if i want to get paid but i just cant bring myself to sit down and do it..im depressed with everything else thats going on and so work stuff outside of actually seeing my cls is whats taking the beating i guess...right now im two weeks behind on one set of paperwork and a week behind on another..im worried because i cant really explain why i havent done it..and its just hurting me in the long run because my paychecks will be screwed up..and i know that..i understand all of that..and i still cant bring myself to do it im sorry but saying i just dont want to do it wont help me..saying i sit down to write it and spend more time watching the hours tick by on the clock isnt going to help me..i keep saying im going to do it and then other stuff gets my attention..theres other stuff i just have to do and cant put off..i should be better at managing my time and getting things turned in and im not..i dont know how to do it..i dont set deadlines for myself because i know i wont keep them..and now i know i can turn them in late and its not that big of a deal so even the set deadline im playing with..and its going to get me into trouble soon..once its figured out that ive been not turning them in..sigh..it all sucks because its like im just digging myself this bigger hole and not gonna be able to get myself out of it if i dont stop now..because the paperwork doesnt stop if i dont turn it in..more is just added on and then it is even more overwhelming and im more behind..i need to get a grip or something...i just dont know...i dont want to do anything..i want to sleep..i want to stay in bed..i dont care about anything at all right now...i muster enough energy to go to work and thats all i can manage...

and had therapy yesterday..and first..i got around to agreeing that i would call if i was really suicidal didnt like it..but i guess it was one of those things i just had to do..whether i really wanted to our not..

and this came up yesterday so im still working out what i think about it all..

i think i just group cant and wont together..or maybe it has always just been i cant do something and not really i wont do something.

i was asked yesterday if i would say i was upset with my mom..and i thought about it and got distracted and stopped listening to her..and when i finally pulled myself back into her office so to speak..i told her that i cant do that..and she disagreed and told me i was fully capable of saying it i just wouldnt..and given i dont think ive ever really connected the two at all..and now it is confusing me..because on one hand the t is right in that i am fully capable of speaking the words and saying them..and on the other hand its like no cant do it..i dont know why or cant explain why..but its like i cant ...not even if i might semi want too...but now its like well maybe it is a wont type thing and a lot of the things i say i cant do are things i just wont do or im not ok doing..does that make sense?

worried

im worried...really really worried..

had a bad dream that mommy figured out i had new scars on my arm and wouldnt let me do anything..i dont remember much of it but i couldnt lie my way out of it..it was a miserable dream

worried about talking to my supervisor today..worried about what she will tell me..worried about the jobs i applied for..heck just worried about everything right now..

blah

back at home..had a fun weekend with riley and now its over..kinda sad that it is ..becuase it took until i was on the way home to actually realize i didnt want to go home..things are just depressing..and im tired enough that maybe ill just take a nap but im not sure..not thrilled about anything right now..and certainly not the upcoming week..i really am hoping i here back from on of the jobs i applied for..i would like to know what im possibly getting myself into, if anything at all..and now that i am looking at changing jobs..im starting to wonder about therapy and if ill be able to stay in it because of actually having real hours at work..or if i would be able to do something else to keep a couple hours free some day during the week..i dont know..i never really considered you know after hours or weekends..not sure those are even offered but it hasnt come up before..so i really dont know..i would rather keep it at the same day/time as i have it now..but if not will have to think of something..

more collages

collages

weekend..and stuff

ive been thinking a whole heck of a lot this week..havent really wanted to but i guess ive been really stressed out about everything with therapy and then with work and then with home stuff..everything really is hard..but i think it is passing too..i mean just be to sad to try dealing with it anymore..but i think some of it is passing..

with work..i called my supervisor and told her that im not comfortable working with the kid and his mom and that i needed to talk to her asap. she was out so i just left a message. i feel better doing it..i feel better knowing i have indeed put my foot down and know that i am not ok having a kid tell lies like that about me when i never touched him..when i wasnt alone with him in a public library. i understand how serious it is..but the kid doesnt and that bothers me..because this time he was just mad i made him read and wouldnt let him have his way. what will happen next time he is mad at me? what would be go and tell his mom then? i cant get over that his mom isnt willing to deal with it more..isnt willing to even tell me what he said herself. why ask the other worker who wasnt there? why question it if i already told her myself what happened. she should know her kid..she should know when he is flat out lying..and she just lets me get away with it..this is my job..so no..i do happen to know im not ok with it and will not pretend to be ok with it at all..so ill have to wait and see..and it really does surprise me that im willing to put my foot down and stand up for myself with this..

on to a different subject..
ive been thinking a lot about suicide..not doing it but just suicide in general..and what it really means ...what does telling actually mean..because in my head its like giving up control completely..and now that ive exhausted every possible way of thinking about it im not sure anymore..i mean in my time online..because of the places i hang out..it is hard hearing ppl are in the hospital or someone has died..given this is online and it may be true it may not be true..but hearing it is enough to question you know..why didnt they tell..why didnt they ask for help..it makes me feel like a hypocrite because im completely willing to tell someone else to ask for help or to go to the hospital if they need to inorder to stay alive and here i am locking my jaw on the entire ordeal..i dont get it at all..again its like give and give and support someone else but then theres not enough left to support myself..i keep telling myself that i wouldnt do it..that i may think about it sometimes but i would never seriously try to do it..that i would screw it up..and if i did try and woke up in the hospital i would be in a whole lot of trouble..i have to be the only person in the world who would associate a failed suicide attempt with being in trouble..it really doesnt make any sense at all sometimes.the way i think about things..and sometimes i can make the best sense ever about the most off the wall stuff..but its just hard..i know i want to be ok with myself.i know i dont want to be unhappy and depressed for forever..but am i really willing to try to make it better..am i willing to really let someone help me do that. am i going to trust that she does care and will listen and make sure i stay alive..do i want her too..what do i want for my future? i say i cant see myself without the cutting and i really truly cant..i cant see anything in my future at all..i meant it when i told her i was lucky if i could see myself to the end of the week..every so often something comes up that i want to do and its like yea i have plenty of time..and sometimes it feels like i dont have time at all..that i have to cram everything in now because i dont know what will happen to me even a year from now...but then when i was really suicidal i didnt do anything..im still alive..hell ill be 25 this year..i never expected to make it past 18 or 21 or any other stupid birthday of mine..so maybe i should work on being ok with being alive..maybe there is a part of me that really does rebel at the thought of killing myself..maybe i do know what it really means..its prolly not a good thing that when i like about my ultimate goal in life all i can come up with is that i will kill myself in the end..some how thats what i want without wanting it..somehow its this great plan that ive put no thought into at all..its just there..underneath everything..eventually im sure i will have to give it more attention to figure out why i have thought it up..but for now its just something that i know is in my head but i can ignore for the most part..

sometimes i really hate my head.i hate how ive managed to work everything into this ball of being ok when its pretty obvious that its not..and so now having to look at it and i mean really look at it and wonder how i have it set up is really hard..its also really hard concentrating while in therapy..but thats something else..

and something else that has come up is that i am incredibly negative..which is something ive never really considered before..and i think it really is all just how im being looked at with it..because i would have said that i was just neutral ..you know..neither incredibly happy my views on the world or incredibly sad/upset with the world..and its like ok dont look at it like that..just on a personal level..not what other ppl see either..what are you more of..positive or negative? and i really hadnt thought about it like that at all..i want to say yea im positive but i know thats not true..it makes me unhappy to realize how negative i am towards myself..occasionally i think that im being mean to myself or rude..and i find it funny to threaten myself at times..but it all comes down to being negative as heck and it really doesnt matter if no one sees it..i can drive myself crazy in my head without putting much effort into it at all..i can make myself cry in my head and no one would know..because what i tell myself is more than just i hate you..given i can repeat it a million times a day but then no one would expect that from me..maybe thats how ive worked that one out..if no one knows then im not actually doing it..then its not as serious because its not like im just going to go an tell someone that i yell at myself in my head..that im highly critical because then they would ask why i do it..and that im not entirely sure about..why do i do it when i know i dont like it..its a habit doesnt seem to really cover it all..i want to say its just that im used to it..that its easier to do it before anyone else can..but still the big question is well then how taught you how to do it? and that i really cant answer..

there is this serious urge to just get away from everything..ill be happy with just a day or something..i really just want to pack a bag and go without telling anyone where ive gone..pick a random hotel somewhere and just chill out for a couple days..come up with some lie to answer mommies questions..that i know she will ask..but for now i know i cant do that..im currently spending the weekend with riley while his parents are out of town ..we went to the movies last night and saw get smart..it was funny..laughed through the entire movie..we came back and ended up having breakfast for dinner that riley cooked mostly by his self! i was proud of him..and then we watched the new disney movie and had a tickling war..it was fun..i dont mind staying with him at all..he is a little restless though lol..the weather isnt great today so i have no idea what we are going to do today..but he is still asleep for now..but im not at home and thats is enough for now..and wont be home until tomorrow afternoon some time most likely..and i dont even want to go then..i hate going home..

labels..wrote this last week i think

lately ive been thinking a lot about labels and how much they really do have an impact on things..i mean if i consider myself to be something good or bad and then have someone else come along and agree then it becomes something that is real..something that is noticable by others...doesnt have to be a flaw or some brillant thing..but its just noticable..and then i could have something i know about and only i know about but no one else does..and its like ok then no one else can see it..no one else knows..so maybe imm making it up..maybe its not real..its not true..i dont know

then society thought up the ever so brillant dsm and its like thats the bible of psychology..if its not in the book then it cant possibly be true..if it doesnt have a name then i cant help you..if you dont fall into a set catergory or a set diagnosis then im sorry for you..geez does anyone ever wonder how many ppl fall through the cracks because they dont 'fit' into a catergory or cant be dx'd with anything because they only have 2 of 7 symptons? wheres the justice and fairness then?

but anyway..besides all the problems i have with the world of getting into ppls heads..the topic of labels just has to come up..and its not that i havent thought about it all before because i have..and normally i want to be the good person and say i dont care about labels at all you know..that i would never look at someone and like or not like them because of some dx..and for the most part and ok with other ppls labels whatever they may be..doesnt matter because its not who they are you know..you cant base someone or someones life on what a bunch of docs say about then..or what society has given them to put them into some nice neat little catergory..thats incredibly unfair and semijudgemental..because its like you are getting a warning about a person before you meet them but its done in a perfectly acceptable way..isnt that an oxymoron..im going to get a dx of being Schizophrenic and then be unable to live in the world because all anyone cares about is whether or not ive taken my meds or having an episode..because thats all most ppl know about it..thats the important stuff right?

(yes i really had a point to this)

its just unfair i guess..its one of those things that on one hand is really good and on another its really bad..i would like to be able to say labels are a bunch of bs and no one should care about them at all..but then without them ppl wouldnt know what was wrong with them..there would be mo relief..but theres also no way to get over the labels..to move past them into something else..once your an alcoholic your always going to be labeled an alcoholic..maybe at some point it will turn into being a recovered alcoholic but notice the alcoholic part never goes away...you will always be recovering..working on it..but never really beating it in the eyes of society and what is normal and good..

i do hate that ive been labeled..i hate that ive labeled myself..because somehow i found what it is thats possibly wrong with me..and to some degree i can ignore them all..you know ..they are just words that someone wrote down and attached to my name..but on a deeper level i hate it more than anything else because maybe someone else is able to see past it all but i cant..i know ill always be a cutter..or the recovering cutter or recovering whatever..thats all it will ever be..recovering or survivor ..and i dont want that..i dont want to be known as the one who was crazy or had to spend a million years in therapy just inorder to function without being suicidal..it all seems so trival just writing about it.llike i could be spending my time tackling world hunger or something but instead im choosing to attack society and all its stupid norms and regulations and ideas..until my doc mentioned it last week i really had never considered anything outside of being known as just what ive been labeled..there was nothing else..because if i kept hiding it then no one would know..no one would bother asking..and i can manage and function and do my job and do whats expected of me..and live..but in my head..all i could see was the scars..the hurt..the pain..it didnt matter what anyone else had to say because i had already condemned myself without any help..out of protection most likely..if i can barely believe it how could anyone else believe it?

lately i have been reminding myself to stop saying im crazy..to stop making a million excuses to make things ok when they arent..and i could almost almost wish that i had never bothered trying to change anything..

sorry for the rant

everything..

it just feels like everything is just trapped in my head..to many things are going through my head and im trying to remember that im supposed to be trying you know..cutting is bad bad bad and ive done it once today already..but i just cant get past the thoughts..i want to hurt..i want to hurt something..anything..i dont care..i cant seem to calm myself down..i want to cry..my feelings are hurt..im worried about what ill say when i talk to my supervisor tomorrow..i know i have to talk to her because because if i dont ill just keep freaking out..this week has been just miserable..and its like ok what else can happen that hasnt already.. what else am i going to be expected to have to deal with..i dont want to deal with anything..i dont even what to have to deal with whats going on now..i think and think of ways to get out of it all and i come up with nothing..i cant see myself in the future..i can see myself stopping anything..i dont want too..and i know im just upset now and my thoughts will most likely change a million times in the next few days but for today i dont care..im sick of all of this..being at home is really getting to me in the worst way..but i know i cant afford to leave..i cant afford to do anything..i dont know what i want to do..im so agitated right now..i keep thinking..i want to sleep..i dont want to do anything else but sleep thats all..i cant sleep.i cant do anything..im writing and ill prolly right again and again and again and it wont change anything..i cant get my head to shut up and leave me alone..i cant think and all i do is think..i cant not think..i have to plan for what i dont know..but i have too..i have to do to many things.. i have to be everything im supposed to be and its a pain..its to much..i want to be left alone and everything seems to happen faster when i dont want to be bothered..i dont know what im doing at all.im sick of feelings..im sick of wanthing to cry..all week it hasnt gotten any better..its like everything happened at once..as soon as i got to the point of really questioning everything..


maybe..maybe i need to see about changing my appt for therapy to earlier than tues :( maybe noot though..cant really afford it as it is..lets not add on any more charges..
and maybe ill just do what i want to do and worry about everything else later..geez now im just managing to confuse myself..

beyond upset..

i found out today from another worker that the new kid im working with (we are switching out..she is moving and im taking the cl she has been working with..so we are both working with this kid and switching off days)..well the kid told his mom a whole bunch of lies about me and how i treated him when i was wworking with him yesterday..she freaking believed him enough to ask the other worker what she thought about it...i had already told his mom what happeend and what was said..but then the kid turns around and says all this stuff about how i was mean and was pulling on him and walked into the bathroom while he was in there undressed geez i have no idea what to say to him right now..i dont want to be anywhere near him right now..and its more disappointing that his mom didnt want me to even know about it ..the other worker called and told me..and told me his mom thought that the kid telling the truth in the end was enough to fix this..and its not..the kid called and apologized..the other worker told me that he would be doing things to make up for his lying all day while shes with him because his mom wont do a freaking thing about..and its like im expected to show up monday and pretend things are fine?! how?? it was to late today to call my supervisor about it all so ill have to talk to her tomorrow or monday when i see her..and the other worker is putting it all in her notes to turn in anyway..but it really pisses me off..that the kid would do all this because he was mad that i just wouldnt let him have his way..because i wouldnt let him do anything else before he read a couple books and freaking easy books at that...i couldnt even think while i was talking to the other worker..im glad she told me..i told her i was glad she told me..and i know that when she says shes not letting the issue drop with him that she means it..but in the end its still about me..my name attached to all this shit..and its like geez i would never do it..i dont even say shut up because i find it rude and this kid is just going on and on about all this stuff i supposedly did to him and it bothers me..bothers me more that his mom is fully ok with just letting it drop..

i have calmed down if nothing else..did a lot of writing yesterday...i think ive run out of words to say..seriously depressed though..it all sucks..i want to be let alone but mommy is home now and things are back to normal..i can do nothing right it seems..

....falling

things are just hard and really stressful right now..was talking about suicide with the t today..didnt mean for it to go there but thats where it ended up..theres so much yelling and arguing inside cas i dont know what to do..i dont know whats behind it all..not like actual suicide stuff but more of how to handle it with the t cas it makes me nervous having her worried about me. she told me shes worried..and i prolly didnt do much to ease her fears..i told her i wasnt currently suicidal and im not..but whats to say that wont change..whats to say i even want to be stopped if it made it that far? i dont like it being brought up to consider other ppls feelings when it comes to suicide..i dont even care enough about mine..yes im a horrible person..i wrote and wrote and wrote..i argued with myself all day today..almost made it to crying but stopped that..cant cry..to many other things in my head to deal with crying..i feel so many things..guess fear would be the huge underlying part but theres something else too..i hate not being able to figure it out ..and i know im completely worked up and freaking out about it and so its not helping at all and i cant figure it out because i cant get myself to calm down enough to think anymore..i need to calm down..i dont need to cut..right..maybe ill get around to beliving that if i keep reminding myself..

she told me today that she cared..


and here i am just freaking out big time over it all..because i hate that it all comes down to me and i dont know what i want at all..i want someone to tell me what to do..i want some miracle to happen and magically things will be ok and they wont be confusing and scary anymore..there is something very very wrong with owning up to the suicidal feelings and i dont know what it is..i dont want to know..all through the session today my head was noisy..i said no to everything..screamed no..refused to hear the doc. i forgot most of what was talked about..i dont even know how it got to talking about suicide..somehow it came up and she finally got around to asking if i would let her know if i was feeling that way..i told her no..i always say no because i hate anyone knowing i hate feeling like that..she told me shes not comfortable with that..and its my fault.. i could have said yes..i could have just said ok ill tell you..but i didnt..i couldnt..because then it would have been worse if i ever do try and dont tell her..then ive broken my word..and that wouldnt be good ..i dont know why i have to say no but i do...its beyond just being scared and stuff..i dont know..all day since i left her its been argument after argument in my head..and ones ive lost no less..how is it possible to lose and argument with myself?!..have a killer headache..want to not have to see her anymore..dont want to go back.bbut that would be running away..i dont want to run..or maybe i do.. i dont feel like i can handle anything at all right now..like im just breaking apart..more so than usual..i dont know what to do.. i swear if i wasnt actually in my body and couldnt go anywhere i think i would be floating off right about now..

think im just going to go lay down..mommy is back now and things are just not ok enough to try and deal with her and everything else..maybe laying down before she comes back home will help a little ..i dont know

hmmm

feeling nervous today..really really stressing about money and gas and ugh just everything...with mommy out of town i have to take nia to work..taking her to work and picking her up is just killing my gas big time..mommy gave me enough to almost fill my tank before she left..and since then ive already added another 25 and will have to add more today..and i dont have any more..ugh..i dont want to drive anywhere at all because im freaking out so bad over gas prices..im up to needed 60 to fill my tank completely..i dont have that kind of money at all..its just a pain all of it..im thinking about changing myhours around at work so im not driving back and forth to work..like doing more hours each day i do work and not have to go every day..if the cls guardian doesnt like it then i guess ill just have to be replaced or something..but ill have to ask about that today..

mailed in the applications the other day and now all i can do is wait to hear something back about it all..im nervous..i hate waiting..it sucks ..

annnd this has been a good week overall..not a lot of stress ..no yelling..and its because mommy is not here...

hmm things are just interesting lately..

lots lots and just lots of stuff going on

might as well start with the not so good stuff..

cut last night..two seperate times..arm and wrist..wasnt as disappointed as i thought i should be..but oh well..over and done with..

i am going to finish the applicatins for the other jobs and send them in..i may get an interview i may not..but sending in the applications is something..i dont want to look back and know i didnt try at all..but i am struggling yet again with the strengths part of the application and description of my jobs..thats alwaays so hard for me! but still going to try really hard and hopefully will be able to get them mailed off by thursday at the latest..

i was horrible last night..and didnt finish my paperwork:( i just couldnt do it last night..i couldnt handle it..and mommy was really puting me on edge.i was feeling so many things and just couldnt handle the paperwork..and i feel horrible for not doing it but i will finish it tonight and take it in tomorrow morning..i let the office person know i was bringing them tomorrow.

i found out today that im only a few hours from getting my early intervention certification! and that really was pretty awesome.

and had therapy today..left feeling so quiet and confused..but now i feel more settled than i have been in a while..just finally had someone tell me truthfully looking right at me what she thought when she saw my scars..again i was surprised i asked..but i wanted to know..i let her see my journal..and we talked a lot about how i am fully capable of nuturing myself it just takes a lot to get to that part of myself..i have more homework to do in that i ahve to answer the letter i wrote to myself..have been thinking aobut it but dont know yet what im going to write..i realized a few things today about cutting and how i just assume everyone raction to the scars will be bad and thats not always the case..i asked her if she was mad at me nad if she still liked me..it was hard asking but i had too..i needed to know..and her responses threw me for a loop big time...its hard looking at it all from another perspective..and ive done it before but i guess i just forget about it ..i know it would be scary and overwhleming to see the scars and know someone is a cutter..and we talked about that the cutting doesnt define who i am..thats not the only thing there is about me..

i told yvonne i was in therapy today..i told her i wasnt ok at home and that i made myself so back to therapy..it was scary waiting for her response because we were texting while i was at work..and she told me i could call her anytime if i needed anything..i told her i didnt want to talk about it now but that i would tell her more eventually..and i will at some point but im not ready right now..

i also realized that i have a few ppl i really need to thank for knowing about the cutting and still treating me like me and not making me feel bad for cutting and stuff..i forgot that a few ppl do know and still like me regardless and im rude at times and ignore there advice..and thats not nice at all.

cant decide

so...things are ..i dont know ..freaked for some odd reason yesterday night..and really wanted to cut but wrote instead..i wasnt pleased but by the end i was so distracted and worn out that the energy and drive to cut was gone..hmm well not completely gone but it wasnt the most pressing thought anymore...so that was good maybe..

hmm applying for a few new jobs..3 to be exact because i callthe the employment place and they said i could apply for as many as i wanted as long as i did a seperate application for each one..im only aply for 3 though..of the social work jobs..and i feel so guilty i dont know what to do with myself..i have a job and its like im doing something wrong by applying for another one i dont get my head at times..i do want something more challenging..we need to get out of living at home because i wonder how long ill last some days..and more money would help that..heck just doing something that makes me use my head would be good..i feel like im wasting my degree some days..because i go to work and you know just hang out, or color or go bowling..and yes im helping my cl..im his friend in a lot of ways..but theres still that this is work line..this isnt really just going and hanging out..but thats what it feels like..i dont know if ill get any of the jobs..but i would feel stupider for not at least trying because i am qualified..its funny reading the requirements and its like holy cow i really can apply for something because i have a degree..was a little proud of myself for calling the employment place in the first place. the guy i talked to was really nice and answered what few questions i had and told me what i needed to do for the application and things. ive been working on the applications and hence have come to realize again why it is i hate filling them out..i get so confused when it comes to writing out the job descriptions..i know what i do but i dont know how to write it..or make it sound like im actually doing something..i hate that..it annoys the crap out of me because it all comes down to talking about your strengths and i just want to argue that i dont have any why do jobs have to care so much about strengths (ok dont answer that i already know lol) but i do plan on talking to the T about it tomorrow..because i think ill just stress and stress about it if i dont ..and maybe she will be able to ease my fears...hence ill have to end up messing around with bills to even pay for therapy..blah..but if i got this job i would get benefits and hopefully will get to stop paying out of pocket for therapy..

struggling...

i dont know what to do about anything right now...im worried about my job..im worried about everything actually...money..therapy..being at home..cutting..purging..both of which ive been doing lately...completely stressed out and everything is back to being way to much to deal with..i hate everything..i cant handle anything..blah..things just bite a lot right now..i have no escape over the weekend these days..im stuck with mommy..and yesterday i had to help her with the beach house..she told me 4 hours..she told me after that i could leave..but guess what..im the stupid one because i actually thought she would keep her word and well i was stupid for believing it..every time i tried to leave i was talked out of it..because since i was there longer then i could help more..i could give up my time and be more helpful..when i didnt want to be there in the first place..and i tried and tried to keep my calm and not freak but it didnt work and i was just so mad ..so upset yesterday..it wasnt fair..but that aside it has just been so hard and my job is not going as well as i would have hoped..i love my job and my kids..but gas is to expensive..its killing me and sucking up my paychecks..i cant handle it..and once again everything is falling behind..and i hate that..i hate struggling to make ends meet and not being able to do it..and being at home is just getting harder and harder..and its like something has to change before i manage to kill myself..and i was talking to nia about it and its like i could apply for the jobs in a different county..and if it works out it does..if it doesnt then it wont be the end of the world either..but if i make it the trail period if i get the job then i would move there..it would be about an hour drive there and back..there are a lot of social work jobs in brunswick and i can apply for all of them..its so weird you know..i could move up and its like the scariest thing ever..i dont know what to do..i dont know what i should do..its so confusing..i hate change..i dont want to have another job..and even if i do i wonder if i would be able to stay with the early intervention part..i want to get that certification..but i feel guilty planning on leaving my job now..oh i just dont know..a lot is just stuck in my head right now..and i dont think ill be able to go to therapy this week either..i want to go but i cant afford to go..it sucks ..all of it..

just writing

therapy today and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be..we talked more about the scars and what it meant for me to show her..and just some of the triggers and things..and i think one of these days ill be able to talk you know..may take a heck of a lot more work but i know every time i go i talk a little bit more..and i was really worried about her reaction and now i know she handled it ok..but the more i talk about it the more ill have to figure it all out..and eventually get around to telling her almost everything..its nice to have someone to listen again..

that aside..i have homework.. as if i dont think about stuff tons..but this one is umm write a letter to myself (and actually take it to her this time) about how if i was my own parent what would i say to myself about the cutting..and i guess im writing it here to so i dont forget..but this will be the first time i actually give her something ive written and im sure ill tell her to keep it too..but i guess she had to find out at some point that i dont have a problem at all writing..guess i would have mentioned it at some point..but better get going..might actually put some effort into them

random things

i really really hate when things just kinda come up and im not expecting them..more so when it has to do with a butt load of money that i dont really have..soooo i had kinda forgotten that i got a citation thingy..and im still not really sure what the difference is in a citation and a ticket..but oh well..and i suddenly realized today when i was looking at the calendar that i was running out of time to pay it before i was in a heck of a lot more trouble over something as stupid as a registration sticker..yea it really was my fault so i see no point in taking it to court or anything..so i have to pay it but i really wasnt thinking i would have to pay freaking over a $100 for it..when i actually got around to calling the court and asking i found out its $145 to be exact..now the problem with that is ..i dont have an extra couple hundred laying around collecting dust somewhere..yea it would be awfully nice if i did though...so one way or another ill have to pay it and in to process i get to watch my little tiny savings account go back down to nothing..but oh well..trying hard not to stress about it..because its one of those things that i have to do and cant put off at all..ok well not past next monday anyway..and im really considering just driving to greenville on monday and taking care of it instead of mailing it..but havent decided yet..have to wait and see what ill be getting paid this week..because i really have no idea what my paychecks are... i have an idea and thats about all..

and it sucks even more than this is my last week with one of my cls and possibly moving cls and losing the other one to new ones and its hard and it is a big mess..so i will have to figure it all out...im really sad that im losing my evening kid..ill miss him alot..

so yesterday was a pain..for the most parrt...i really have forgotten what it means to stay home from fri to sunday with no break or getting away..its been so long since ive had to do it that it really was more depressing than usual..i can not have mommy in my car and drive..it drives me insane..and she comments on my driving and reminds when to slow down or watch out or she grabs the dashboard when im slowing down or something like shes s cared..and it makes me want to scream..i havent even h ad my license for a full two years yet..it feels like ive had it forever but i actually counted it up some day last week and it will be two years in aug...and i would say i drive ok but mommy would swear im the worst driver ever..and then doesnt sy a word abobut her driving..and just being in the car while mommy is driving and talking on the phone at the same time is enough to make me want to walk for the rest of my life..she doesnt pay attention at all and i do wonder how she hasnt been in an accident yet..but just constantly telling me what to do or what to wear or something..we went to a dance recital yesterday and stayed all day and as soon as i came downstairs she had something to say about my shoes and advised me to go and change them..and i wouldnt because i wanted to wear sneakers not flip flops ..but it was a big deal to her..i get sick of being called mean and selfish..sometimes i find it hard to believe that i would be the meanest person ever.sometimes i dont .. its just upsetting i guess..but the recital was long and not that good at all..ive danced for a long time and what i saw yesterday was rather disappointing technique wise for the most part..but watching i did realize again that i missed it just a bit..it was cool seeing some of the ppl we had danced with at the old studio who had now grown up..but some of the dances were just a bit painful to watch!! but the little kids were cute as always..

and now its back to work and the usual work week most likely..training thingy tomorrow..and then just the usual stuff

so

so today i wake up and i feel ok..havent had that in a while..i want to go somewhere but i cant for the most part because gas is killing me yet again and i swear those stupid gas prices keep going up..ugh..so unfair..but im just glad i feel ok today..but im guessing if im hanging out at home maybe ill work on some more art stuff..i read all day yesterday..but i didnt feel good..but i tried to stay out of mommys way because she did her you arent good enough speech more than once yesterday and it just made me mad..didnt help that i just went and started thinking i suck and everything..it didnt last long but i still thought it...i got myself sidetracked doing other stuff after i wrote for a while..played video games and read..and that was my day...fairly boring and after a while i was really bored..but today will be better i think..

hmm have been thinking about the trip overseas a lot and i think ive settled on doing grad school first before deciding to go over seas..that makes the most sense to me and i know im not going to be able to get over $3000 in the next year..not with my pay checks lol..not gonna happen! but still when i can i will try to save a little bit just in case...but yea i think grad school first and then doing other stuff because i do want to be finished with school completely..so i will see..and even still i think it will be 3 or so years ...

alright im off to find something to do with myself today..