im pathetic..utterly stupid and childish..for the past hour all ive done is go back and forth between trying to decide what i want to eat vs not eating anyting and i cant decide..i want to cry because the ability to even go into the kitchen and find something to eat eludes me at the moment..i cant believe myself..given only when im alone do i allow myself to fall apart this much and ill be alone tons after wed..ill drive myself up the wall and crash and then graduate and be happy until someone manages to figure out that im not happy at all..guess its good for me no one will figure it out and ill be left alone because im responsible and know i ahve t opack and get things in order and all this stuff..endless lists of things im supposed to be doing and i cant bring myself to do any of them..i dont want to do any of them and all of it scares me..i want to stay in bed and forget this week ever got here..i reminded myself to put on a sweatshirt because of my arms now..if i dont look a tthe new ones maybe ill lose the urge to cut..wont work but its worth a try..and because i am cutting its making me feel more worthless and disappointing..maybe im not trying hard enough..maybe i dont want to be ok enough and since i dont..maybe i should just die and get it over with..ill get out of packing..im being stupid again..really really stupid

looked over some of my old entries for around the time i left for camp..fair enough i freaked then too..freaked but a different kind of freak..hmm maybe not..maybe im juts not seeing the whole picture and for some reason i really dont think i am..ill give it some time and look at them again another day..maybe ill go see if dusti actually did tear apart one of my boxes from when i heard her playing and didnt bother getting up to check..