hmm

i noticed today that im pulling my shoulders up again..im not relaxing at all or something is really really stressing me out..i know im stressed but good grief it has been a while since ive noticed im pulling in again...i dont remember when or why it stopped last time but it does become a pain after a while. i have to constantly remind myself that im ok and that i can relax but it doesnt last for long if i have to keep doing it..

trying to get laundry done or at least a little bit of it so that ill have something to wear until i get home again..im guessing we will be taking the kids to do laundry after we are back and ill just wait and do the rest of my laundry then..not a big deal and fairly easier then than waiting and doing it now...still really tired and kinda out of it but still gotta go to work in a few hours...im guessing ill leave a bit after 5 and head in the direction of camp...i told jim i would be there after 5 and i guess we will be heading from there to the campsite around 6ish. i dont know yet if ill actually be climbing tomorrow..im not feeling much like climbing at all, i dont want to hike either but a job is a job and its not really about what i want all the time..so i just hope im feeling better and thats about all..

ive been thinking a lot lately about what my story is...not that i have a real idea but i think it would be a good idea to kinda start writing what i do know down because if i remember so little now i might forget all of it and i dont want that..so maybe i will..im thinking about it now and i wouldnt do it on this blog anyway because this one is just a mix of everything and it would be hard to seperate regular daily stuff to past stuff..and i dont want to mix it up for now...maybe ill figure it out and learn how to do it..but i think it will be hard since i dont really have a timeline for anything..all of it is just kinda smooshed together and i dont know ages or anything..its all more like ideas of what happened and feelings that came after it..but not really concrete things ..so idont know

blah

soooo im going to work tonight ..joy..im feeling really quite miserable right now ..woke up early and then went back to sleep eventually for a few hours and now im up and feeling completely weird for some reason...went to the office and told them a bout the sink and if they dont come today then they said they will come on wed when im back...but everything is cleaned up not counting my room that keeps managing to attract a million and a half sets of clothes that just migrate out of the closet and onto the floor...we are hiking and rock climbing tomorrow and all the kids are there ..its not supposed to be a bad hike or way long or anything but im just not interested in much right now..

i i

i dont think there is a word in the dictonary that can really explain how stupid and ashamed of myself im feeling right now..i just cant stop calling myself stupuid ..something told me not to throw up in the kitchen..right before i started and i didnt listen to my head and what happens?! the sink breaks and sudddenly everything is all over the floor and under the sink...the whole disposal thing just kinda fall out and i cant fix it..i have to tell the office tomorrow and then im going back to work on saturday and if they cant fix it what then?! im going to be in so much trouble..i cant calm down i cant think..i just want it to be ok and its not ..its far far far from being ok and its all my fault..i used to think getting caught throwing up would be the worst thing that could happen and well i was wrong.. completely and utterly wrong and now look where its gotten me..completely stupid and useless and ugh..im not happy at all right this minute and really really close to crying..im afraid to use to water abut i have to so i can finish cleaning up..i shouldnt complain because its my fault..and the cleaning up part i dealt with in all its grossness but having to tell them the sink is broken im not looking forward too ..i dont know how to handle it..i just i just cant beelieve this happened..i really cant ...i cant seem to get the throw up smell off of me and its freaking me out..good grief if i was looking for a sign i seem to be getting all of them at the same time ! could i have a bigger sign above my head that just screams look at what i managaed to screw up..stupid stupid stupid..maybe if i yell at myself enough it will somehow become more bearable..but im not holding out much hope on that one

woke up early this morning and found the library as planned..and then just hung out at home since it was kinda miserable weather today and im still not really comfortable with driving in the rain but whatever.. nothing to interesting to talk about though..made some changes to my blog..i like it and think its a nice change..kinda different and stuff ..actually gave in and went to the grocery store to pick pu some food...spent forever wandering around trying to figure out what i could get..and what i actually got is so different from everything i wanted..i bought apple jelly for reasons i dont know and now im not even sure i want to eat it..i dont know why i talked myself into wanting it so much! but now im just wondering if ill let it sit in the fridge for forever or actually get around to talk to myself into eating it..prolly never but oh well maybe it wont be forever..but if nothing else jim will find it funny as heck! jon called me this morning at like 8..ppl really need to stop calling me at 8 in the morning..mommy called at 7:30 yesterday and didnt even ask why i was up that early..at least jon was a bit sorry about calling so early...but we just talked about whether i was coming in early tomorrow or not and if i had talked to jim about it yet..and we eventually got around to what in the world i was doing up so early and i told him i was watching cartoons..since i was..and he asked if i was hanging cereal and i asked him if he was crazy! who can watch cartoons without having cereal to go along with it duh ... but it was amusing if nothing else..i still suck on the phone but whatever

just a day

ive traded cutting for purging currently...im completely worried about going to therapy and then not making a decision on it...im worried that linda will figure out what it is i do to myself and fire me because im crazy..i cant tell jim because maybe he wont want to work with me anymore..and i cant not have a job..so i keep quiet and keep suffering in a bunch of ways...ive given in and decided i will go and look for the library tomorrow because i want to know where its at and i want some new books to read..might as well let myself escape the free way..but getting lost still worries me and i finally picked on going early just to find it and then going back later once i know the way..im tired and have a headache right now..still annoyed i didnt try harder to throw up lunch but i knew better than forcing it today at least..i think ill paint today..maybe it will help..maybe it wont but i need something to do for right now...i really want to go tothe movies and im trying hard not too..i spent over 5 hours in the movie theatre last week! because i didnt want to have to go back home...and yep there are a million movies i want to see but i cant just keep spending money to hang out at the movies..

finally im off again for a few days...im sorry i was upset earlier when sam asked if i would come in early again..i dont want to come in early and i hate being asked because i want to help but especially in the middle of a trip i dont like it..and we are backpacking and rockclimbing on this one..its not long but still..so i didnt give a definite answer but im sure if i was asked again it would turn into a yes ...drainned completly and so very tired right now but unable to sleep. constantly going over whats been going on at work with the kids and then just want is always going on in my wonderful head..there doesnt seem to be a break anywhere..i found out today that mommy is trying to talk nia into coming andvisiting me..and i dont mind but she would be suck here in the apartment for like three days while im working and unable to come home and she cant drive so its not even like she could borrow the car...dont know about that.. im trying to figure out money and work and scheduling so much and its just confusing..i had a kid flat out tell me he doesnt get along with me or jim and that its better with the other two counselors..im like well to bad for you we arent going anywhere! but its so stupid..they tried hard to put the two sets of us against each other but now they know we tell each other exactly what goes on each shift change! i guess its just going to happen that some may like one set over the other and we are really different too..so i have to work at not letting it bother me so much..still really on edge i guess about the restraint stuff again..i hate when the kid blows up and makes it a point to get as many of the others upset and on edge too..the kids are going to bed and the one kid just refuses to leave the cabin and starts yelling and screaming and trying to get them to get up and help him..he seems to not realize that the group as a whole doesnt trust him anymore..they didnt help..they got upset and half my attention was on the kid being restrained and the otoher half is being spilt up trying to keep the rest in bed and calmed down and letting them know it will be ok...and i couldnt even move since i was holding on to his feet to stop him from trying to kick me..and even with all of it going on i couldnt focus..it all felt really detached because this was the first time i was asked to help..normally i just watch and help by talking to the kid without really restraining him..and even though the other counselor had him restrained and put up with all the biting and scratching he told the kid to stop trying to kick me..even when things are all over the place im still the one thats is protected from as much of it as possible...i dont know how it works out like that..and yes we are the youngest there..but most of the time we can hold our own but still there is someone there to protect us and make sure we are ok..and it happens now?! not when we were growing up..i end up with protectors when im supposed to be old enough to take care of myself..i dont get it i guess..does it look like i need to be protected? does it really show that im so young? realistically i know its not really any o fthose because at first they all thought i was older..im still the mature and responsible one..i take what is handed to me without freaking at all..i deal with all the changes and issues and arguments and being called horrible names without yelling ot blowing up at the kids..and still i know that if it comes down to anything the rest of the staff would look out for me..and i dont know what ive done to get that kinda of support i guess..even though they know almost nothingabout me and i havent shared much they still put up with me and the way i am and act..they dont question the scars on my arms or tell me to grow up or take away the disney movies we have watched a million times with the kids..maybe thats what bothers me so much im so used to doing something before anything is given to me...i dont get how things just happen when ive done nothing special..nothing different..why like me or protect when ive done nothing to deserve it?

wishes

wishes
-to be happy
-to be loved
-to understand what love is
-to travel anywhere
-to live in alaska
-to have a baby penguin umm yea lol
-to have enough money so that there is nothing to worry about
-to not be afraid
-to go back to my old therapist
-to go back to my teachers
-to get my msw
-to learn to trust without fear
-to be perfect without killing myself
-to be thin without killing myself

hmm thats all i can think of right now...

decided it was better to get out of the house instead of staying home because i wasnt in a great mood...went to the movies and saw the last mimzy and reign over me..both good ..but now im back at home and still feeling horrible...found out im working with addy tomorrow and that is making me a bit nervous but it shouldnt be so bad...i hope..i hope im feeling better tomorrow..i dont know..how weird is it to actually miss therapy..oh well i guess..maybe ill feel better tomorrow

-

my head hurts..my arm hurts..another miserable day..borrowed more money from mommy because there was no way out of it..i cant stay inside today because i feel like ill ujst drive myself crazy..maybe ill just give in and go to the movies i dont know..im not happy..im not anything right now..just waiting for things to get better and its not..everything is just wrong

some adult im turning out to be..i cant do anything right ..i dont even have my watch anymore to hide my wrist..stupid me

zoo

tired

i think my lack of sleeping has finally caught up with me..im so tired and of course only i can fall asleep so late in the day and then wake up just to watch a show..i just want to sleep away the day tomorrow..im still so annoyed..and cant believe ive actually decided i can once again live without internet..everything just sucks

upset

i really cant believe mommy actually told me i need to manage my money better...all ive donr for the past two weeks is worry about money after she told me my insurance was going up by a lot ...im back to figuring out what i have to give up to make up extra money somewhere...its so annoying that im left with nothing and i have to plan out what i can pay before i even get my pay check! ive done nothing but pay bills with my last check..ill do nothing but pay bills with this check..and its not fair...so much for being able to take care of myself..i cant even pay bills..mine or not i cant pay then and its so annoying because i hate paying late and i try to pay as much as i can on some of them but its like it doesnt even matter...i asked mommy to put money in my account because well i cant buy food or gas since i have to pay bills and that money isnt even really going for food..just gas and more bills..after stressing for a while trying to figure out what to give up and what not to give up i dont like what ive decided..if i want to save anything something has to go and theres really no way around that..so its come to well food for one thing..but i have to cancel internet and cable...i cant afford to keep it and its like almost painful knowing im going to lose my two biggest distractions..it sucks so much and i know im being completely shallow worrying about not having internet when there are millions of ppl with a lot less than i have..but it still sucks all the same..after i pay the bill ill just go ahead and cancel it and thats that...no sense freaking out about it..grow up and get a brain and just deal with it right...finally after asking for months mommy has mentioned taking henry off of my phone bill and letting me go back to having it on my own..it wasnt a good idea when i mentioned it but when she comes up with it the stupid thing is all fine and dandy..this morning i get a letter saying i owe 100 dollars i dont have and i dont get why so i have to figure that out tomorrow...on top of everything else i have to worry about..i cant do this..its like i work just to turn around and pay bills and still have no money..i couldnt do anything even if i wanted to..i cant save when im still slacking on paying everything and if i have to start paying back loans soon what will i do then when i dont even have extra money right now?! life sucks and i hate it..im doing everything im supposed to do short of dying and still i cant do anything right..and i really hate asking mommy for money because then she starts hinting that ill have to loan her more when she needs it..i tell her i dont have any and its like well then you need to save and manage your money ...i wanted to scream when she told me that...i left my checkbook at home this morning before i realized i needed gas and couldnt get any money out of the bank..i still dont have my check card yet and i have to use checks to get cash..i was half way to talisman this morning when i had to turn around...my watch is dead and i need another one..freaked and cut my wrist this morning..calmed me down enough to let me make it to work and do what i had to do..nothing more..now im at home again doing everything possible to make myself sick without actually doing it..i just want to go to bed..sleep for the next two weeks...it sucks

ugh
completely lost my last post ..i just want to scream

finally home again..

so im home again for the most part...not really off of work right now but i was worried about dusti a lot and we were gone for such a long time..i wouldnt have been able to relax if i hadnt come and check on her and because of everything that happeneed on the trip i wasnt sure i would be able to just up and leave as soon as the other staff came on ...so here i am at home and not asleep..its going to be really hard having to get back up in like 4 hours so i can go back to work in time to wake the kids up and get them ready..im really glad jim was ok with letting me leave..prolly cas i let him take us to the orchid nursery place and was bored out of my mind but stayed anyway! it took about 12 hours to get back today from the outer banks...and when i saw the sign for hendersonville at like 9 tonight i really thought i was going to cry..11 days with no break is really way to long to be with them..and im just worried a lot right now because of everything that happened while we were away..while working it was easy to deal with it as much as possible with the kids and just forget about it..but without the excuse to work i know e verything i put off dealing with will start popping back up and ill have a few days to worry and stress and make a mess of things...and tomorrow will just be hard because it will be talking to linda and everyone about the whole cop fiassco..that freaked me out more than anything else and the fact that they followed us for the rest of the day...the kid it was about didnt care..he doesnt care it happened ..he doesnt care about all the trouble he caused and how much danger he had the group in trying to jump out of the van while it was moving..thankfully i locked the doors when he started acting out..it was horrible and im completely used to seeing him restrained at camp i guess and it worries me but theres its easier to deal with..this time he was on the side of the road being restrained in broad daylight after he wouldnt calm down and started biting ...didnt think that someone would see and call the cops..we were already on our way again when we were pulled over and first thought of course was speeding ..second thought was you have got to be kidding me and someone called the cops..geez we must have looked completely crazy sitting with and then restraining a kid on the side of the road..ugh..the cops talked to m and jim and the kid and they let us go..i of course freaked out more when i couldnt get anyone in the office to pick up the phone and i couldnt get anna or jon or anyone to let them know what happened until afterwards..and the whole thing just really sucked and its the second time in less than a month the cops have been involved with this kid..that issue being at the top of a million things that didnt go as planned on this trip..the good news we made it back with all of them in one piece and realativley okay..bad news..there were so many different things to deal with between them and then having horrible camp sites..we were under flood warnings and winter weather advisories and some of the kids didnt have the right clothes for the weather..one kid being in shorts and sandals for the better part of the trip becasue he didnt pack what he needed..it was so annoying getting them out there and then finding out half of them are missing clothes and jackets and that we dont have all the food we were suppsoed to have or we ahve run out of fuel and have to go and find some..or the tents and sleeping bags and clothes are all soaked completely have two days of freezing rain and all of them want to slee on the van...i could have hurt jon myself when we got to one of the camp sites and found out it was barely big enough for the three tents and ten ppl and covered in mud..and to make it better we were right next to train tracks! that trains actually used..oh i was so mad especially when we have the one kid completely obssessed with trains! and the older boys and there bright ideas decided it would be fun to go and explore the traintracks..oh fun with that one and then having to spend the next two days keeping the youngest away from them...our trip could be divided into what days we went to the grocery store and it really was almost every other day for a while ..we missed out on almost 2 days in dc because they werent listening to us at all and we refused to take them anywhere until all of them had come and talked to us about what was going on with them..they were antsy, i was antsy and when it was looking like we would be there for two full days i thought i was going to go crazy...jim made me leave for a couple hours and go and of course find a grocery store and just hang out for a while and i was more nervous about leaving and driving a 15 passenger van than anything else but i did it and made it to the store and back in one piece and did ok driving it ..went a bit slower than usual since i didnt know the area and had no idea where i was going and i had never driven anything that big before...there were issues with them wetting there sleeping days and then refusing to take showers daily when it became impossible to even be around them at all..i spent hours doing laundry and drying out wet sleeping bags and only got one thank you..i was called mean for not heling one girl stuff her sleeping bag or help her pack and for banning the other girl from helping her, i was called a jerk for demanding one kid take a shower becasue he smelled bad..i was called selfish and told i hated them more times than i can remember..its like they really ignore everything it is we do for them..basic needs aside..there were arguments over food and campfires and stupid things..and it was just stressful andtiring more than anything else..there was no escape at all and it was either laugh or cry and never stop..im so glad to be back..but bad stuff aside we did have good times..we hung out in raliegh and dc, jamestown, and the outer banks..we went to the zoo and saw the butterfly gardens and the tigers and lions and the baby meerkat and baby panda, we went to an atique shop and jamestown and hung out in downtown willamsburg in va, we went to the aquariaum in the outer banks and countless boring museums ..we were lost in dc and almost ran out of gas...the keys were locked in the van and me and jim spent countless nights sleeping in various places on the van after telling the kids that it was impossbile for them to sleep in the van...we rode through jamestown island and went to see the glassblower..and that was really cool..i have been upgraded to almost parent status with one of the kids after he sat with me in the imax movie we saw..i put my arm around him and he had his arm around me..and since then he was been rather intent on knowing what im doing and where im going...we played tag for hours a couple nights in a row..i burned a picnic table and jim talked them into taking pictures of it!! oh that sucked and i swear it wasnt me..i spent one night dropping baked potatoes into the campfire because i didnt know what i was doing trying to pick them up out of the fire with sticks..i was poked and pinched and tickled to death on st patricks day because i wasnt wearing green and jim made sure to point it out every chance he got and i was the one who reminded him st patricks day was coming anyway! me and the older boys had countless talks about food, movies, cartoons, and the art of batman and his inabilty to fly so he therefore sucks and is not a uspoer hero..we talked about houses and places to visit, we talked about my love of spaghetti o's and when we went to the grocery store i made a point of going and finding some and showing them although i didnt get any..i was endlessly picked on about the burnt picnic table and my cooking style when we grilled out...and i didnt mind and it was fun and it kept everyone relaxed as much as possbile so whatever..i pick on them back about silly things and its ok..but really the past couple days everything has just been on autopilot..i didnt care what i said or did..i just wanted to be away from them..my patience was gone and it was really hard not reacting to every little thing that went on. i just want tomorrow to be ok with linda and getting the rest of the trip stuff squared away so i can come home and just sleep for a good while..i cant relax just yet..im not sure i really will..im to worried about how i will react to everything once it all comes crashing down on me..without work to put it off there really is nothing holding it back and it really has me worried...dusti my main reason for coming home is alive and well..lonely but okay...plenty of food and water and nothing is broken so i say she managed herself fairly well while i was gone..and now i do feel a bit better about that...since ill be gone again for a while next month but at least everyone is going on that trip...we are splitting up the time there..a week on and a week off and already im worried a bit about it

i just hate everything right now..im so upset that i lost my check card..it sucks and i went to the bank this morning and the stupid computers werent working and i cant do anything about it..i have to wait and hope that they are fixed before the day is over..i cant get anything done that i needed to today..it sucks

just

im just really tired today..tired of everything..not feeling good and worrying a lot about the usual stuff..tomorrow im thinking of going to the movies but now i cant figure out what i want to see..cant see both and i cant pick one...found out from mommy that my insurance is going up..i almost wish i couldnt drive..its a huge waste of money and it just overall sucks...if i ever get another car i want a regular car..not an suv..ugh..dont know why ive been picking at all of my food today..maybe im just not feeling good..cant figure out what i want and dont want what i fix..systematically end up throwing it all away..paid mommies bills online today because she cant use a computer..went to the store and found the filter i was looking for..paid my rent..and tomorrow i have to do laundry so i can pack..and then back to work..and out of town for a good while..

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are innocent, sweet, and young at heart. You present a purity that many people find appealing. However, you are often tired of people treating you like a child. Underneath it all, you enjoy being babied and pampered. You have been known to feign inexperience to get out of sticky situations. You fear getting old and losing your childlike charms.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

its after 1 in the morning and im still awake...getting tired though so thats good at least...went to the store and got groceries..still a bit leary with eating but im trying becasue i can not purge at work again..not cool..so besides sleeping tons today ive done nothing with the day really..not disappointing but its weird coming from work and being able to waste days at a time before having to go back and actually be productive...no idea what ill do tomorrow but it prolly wont be interesting in the slightest since im trying not to go anywhere until i actually want to put gas in my car and im holding off until thursday maybe friday before i do that..trying to decide if i want to go to the movies or not..ill wait until i see what my pay check is and then decide...bills ahve to paid and everything and that has to come before i start playing with money..and the way things are looking all money will be going to bills..blah..maybe somewhere in there ill get extra and be able to start saving..nothing big but i just want to save..id rather not watch all my money get eaten up by bills..so ill see..i really did waste more of my first check last month than i needed too..so i had my fun and now its time to really get things in order..hmm its too late to be reflective im going to be

interesting concept

well im home now for a few days...just woke up after seriously wasting the day away sleeping..gotta love taking a five hour nap in the middle of a day..and now im just not feeling together at all..more like just spacey and in my own little world..its been so long since ive taken a nap during the day and i should have remembered not to sleep for so long...but anyway..prolly really needed the sleep and ill prolly sleep tons the next few days to make up for not sleeping while we are on our trip..although i am excited about going to dc and the outer banks..not really interested in jamestown or yorktown though but going all the same..ten days without a break..well eleven days without a break..thinking about it really is overwhelming and it makes me nervous..but we are leaving a day early and going white water rafting and that i am excited for!!and it will be on a new place that we didnt go to last summer...so cool..although i am a little worried about falling out.but i always worry aabout that..so will see how it works out...checked the bank today and thankfully my last bill didnt overdraft since i got back the money i used on the bus yesterday and got to take it to the bank ...that i was glad for because it was making me so so so nervous...my car insurance is completely screwed up right now and mommy is trying to fix it since im not there and cant do anything about it..i hate paying for insurance..mostly because its so high since i just got my license...its not fair i have to pay almost 200 dollars i think its a wate of money and if i would stop speeding it wouldnt even be a huge issue...but whatever..deal with it and forgot about it...hmm sucked royally and b/p at work..not really binged but purged all the same..couldnt sleep last night..weird dreams that i dont remember..i kept waking up and just waiting for it to be time to wake up so i could stop faking sleep...dusti has been taking being on her own fairly well...i am a bit worried about leaving her for almost 2 weeks though...i know she will be ok but it jst seems like it will be forever before i come back home again..and then ill be gone for almost two weeks in april when we are in fla...lots to think about..i have to figure out what i need so i can pack for the trip thats saturday and do tons of laundry i let slack off..

but anyway back to what i was thinking about yesteerday..as i was on the bus so tired i couldnt even think straight..no idea why i was even so tired yesterday...but we had guests yesterday from one of the other aspen programs and a couple parents who are considering the program for next semester for there kids..and we had lunch with them and it was like ok be on your best behaviors ..insert rolled eyes here because the kids where well the usual way they are guests or no guests..but for some reason i was watching jon talk with the parents and its like the program runs because of us not the program managers..the 4 of us deal with the kids 24hrs a day for days at a time and the managers only have them a few hours a day 5 days a week..and even then we are still there dealing with behaviors and helping with school work..we deal with all the big stuff and we are the ones that work on behaviors and go back and forth between making them incredibly mad at us and letting them have a good time doing whatever..the program could be run almost without the program managers because its not really about them..but it couldnt be run without the counselors...and hearing the parents bring there kids back and get so many thank yous and hearing how happy the parents are with the progress their kids have made was shocking..maybe since im just always there and get so annoyed with some of them and sometimes it does feel like we are getting no where with them and their parents come and say they can see the changes in their kid just from the two months they have been here...i asked jim about it yesterday and he agreed that we do more with the kids about than the program managers..weird i never really thought i would be an impact on anyone..and sometimes it does feel like im being incredibly mean to them but never unfair...sure i dont like talking to the parents about there kids and i think the world would be a better place as long as i never have to do it but i could if i had too...so just interesting all of it...one of the parenst asked if iwas staying over the summer and for next session and i said i was..im fine with where im at for now..ive decided i want to stay for a couple years before going back to school and maybe at some point in there ill go back to therapy so ill be able to handle grad school with out freaking..simply known becuase i freaked out last night while we were doing our annoying social skills group..which was something as easy as personal space and inappropriate touch..didnt think it would bother me at all but we started talking about eye contact and the kid who usually takes things personally started to blow up and i just walked out because he was onlny hearing what he wanted to hear ..and once again he wasnt listening completely or even seeing what the big picture was and it really bothered me..so i got up and left..paced outside for almost 20 minutes and only went back in because it wasnt fair to leave jim with all of them...so i went back and tried really hard to stay focused on what was being talked about and i missed almost all of it..but the end when we started doing activities did make me feel better ..funniest thing ever watching them try to get someone to do something without talking or using there hands..i didnt do that one just watched..and if something as easy as personal space can agitate the heck out of me how will i talk about anything else?!

what am i thinking?

so its parents weekend and it hasnt been a horrible weekend with just one kid at all but did it have to be my least favorite kid of all?! ugh but we did have fun yesterday we went to the movies and out to eat and shopping in a few stores..jim showed me some of the houses he is looking into for the adult program and they are really cool..we looked at one for 2.5 million dollars and it is seriously a house out of a fairy tale..it looked like it had just walked offof the pages of cinderella and just landed in the middle of hendersonville..gosh i wanted that house..i want to see inside of it and i want a picture just to have and stare at..just the outside of the house was beautiful. but the more realistic option is huge too..6 rooms, 6 bathrooms, playrooms, fireplaces, 3 car garage, gazebo..prolly more but thats all im remembering right now..and if we get that house then im moving there and dusti would go with me ...i think if we get a house then the semester program and be held there and not at camp...it would rock..there would be enough rooms for everyone..considering i would so have my own room but that would still leave four rooms free for the kids...but anyhoo that will really have to wait until after jim talks to linda and they decide what they are going to be doing about the house...we saw happily n'ever after yesterday and it was funny..a bit predictable but funny..we found the 2 dollar movie place so i cant complain.. and ive decided that ill be going there to see movies becuase they were showing 4 movies and out of the four i wanted to see 3 of them..i had already seen 2 of them..we went to a pet store and that was really cool..petted the bunnies and saw the ferrets and mice and birds and tons and tons of fish and turtles and snakes...they had a shark and a alligator there!!! the spiders and trantulas were incredibly creepy though..and still it was the coolest place ever..we are going to have to go to the exotic pet place one of these days and see what they have there! we went to asiana for dinner and its like this huge chinese buffet place..i had been once before and it was really good...it wasnt so bad going with jim and the kid we had but ..he was being a dork and brought up purging and he said it as a joke but that was really all it took for me to start thinking about it..i realy have only gotten sick in resturants maybe once or twice..less than five times becasue i try hard not to do it...but i did it yesterday and felt horrible for giving in..i didnt have to do it but i did anyway and i wasnt upset after aactually doing it ..i was upset that i did it while i was working..i always swore i would never pure while working because kids copy us a lot ..these kids especially and i dont want them picking up bad habiits from me when we are trying to make them understand how the world works..and its just not fair for them to not be ok just because im not ok...completely disappinted with myself for that one and im trying not to think about it but i woke up this morning feeling horrible and i knew some of it had to do with what i did yesterday and from cutting..i checked my arm this morning and its not bad at all like infection wise but that doesnt really mean one wont happen..and i couldnt explain away my arm even if i wanted too..for some reason saying i fell just wouldnt cut it and you would have to be the dumbest person alive to even begin to believe that i got them from falling..falling on what?! ugh stupid me..i really do know better and i hate that i couldnt control it..and that does sound completely lame i guess...wanted to do it this morning and didnt ..it would have taken less than a minute to let the two of them leave me in the dining hall alone long enough to go and throw up what i had for breakfast but i didnt..i left with them so i couldnt do it..good grief it really sucks when i all i think about is what to eat and what not to eat..not to mention my nose keeps bleeding because i dont know but its weird and it hurts...guess im done complaining...

hmm

its been a crummy few days ..and hopefully soon ill be sleeping since i have to wake up so early in the morning..i did take meds though so at least i know ill sleep..i cleaned up and stuff so now only my room is a mess as usual..talked to nia tonight and its surprising how alike we are i guess..well she thinks mommy is crazy too at least..not that i told her what i thought about mommy..maybe one day ill actually tell nia whats going on or some of it at least..we hang out and stuff now..yea it helps one of us can drive but we get along..we have always gotten along but normally we just lived together and did what we had to do..now its like ok lets go and hang out and do something..weird..but anyway considering my miserable day im feeling better..my arm will hurt a lot tomorrow..could have tried harder not to cut...could have tried harder not to purge also..but i didnt really care so ill suffer and get over it..nothing to interesting to tell i guess..still worried..still stressed but theres nothing to do about it until i get paid and then just pay what i can as it comes..no other way i guess but it still doesnt make me feel better..but meds are kicking in so i guess im off to bed

sometimes i wonder if i want to get better..whatever better might be..i wonder if ive become so comfortable being off and alone and weird and crazy that ill never be able to find a way out thats not suicide...why did i go to therapy for so long when the choice wasnt mine but as soon as the option is left to me i cant get over being scared about it and not able to go back..i dont want to go back and i dont want to be prssured into going back i can feel myself starting to fall apart again..i know its happening and i dont know how to stop it..maybe i dont want to stop it because im so used to it..its comfortable in a way, i know what to expect and its nothing new..its just me..is it so wrong that i have a job and that i can take care of myself half way decently..yes i take care of myself at the lowest possible margin there is for it to still count as taking care of myself but i do it..recluctanly or not i do it..i dont think i want to die but im not completely sure i still want to be here either..things get hard and just go back to the same old habits that never manage to go away..but i can still function on a daily basis..so why should it matter if i throw away food to stop myself from eating or if i cut myself if it helps and im not hurting anyone...it doesnt make sense at all and its really hard trying to make it seem ok when i know its not..i just cant accept that its not ok and that im doing something i shouldnt be doing..funny i think im the only person who feels guilty for thinking about suicide...its not even a big deal because im to much of a coward to do anything but i feel horrible for not being able to handle the small stuff...and still even working where im at now im a picture of control and nothing bothers me..nothing gets to me and thats all that matters right? as long as i can keep up whatever charade it is im playing then it doesnt matter? how long will it be before someone really catches on that im not as ok as i seem all the time...who would i tell..better yet who would believe me?

maybe i dont want help. and its really that simple

depressing day

its been pouring rain all day long...ive just stayed in the house not really doing anything worth mentioning...dejected from purging yesterday for again no real reason other than having the idea in my head..talk shows are stupid ..watched tv, played with dusti, read part of a book..my usual boring day stuff..actually took the time to make dinner and wash the dishes..now im just waiting for it to finish cooking and watching some weird movie...maybe ill paint later i dont know..not really interested in doing much..have to do laundry a bit tomorrow and then back to work for a few days ...really starting to stress about bills and stuff..not cool