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i think my head stopped working or something at some point today..i didnt leave and go back to school..got talked out of it because i was dumb enough to say i was still stick to cover up that i was crying on the phone..so didnt go today and i said i would go tomorrow but after mommy asked if i needed to go im guessing i prolly wont be going anywhere..ive decided to stop planning on doing anything ahead of schedule..no point to it and it all just turns into a bunch of lies anyway..no going to see anything tomorrow like planned..rushed around all morning trying to get my stuff put away and cleaning up just to find out i cant even go anywhere and that we arent even going because im not as important as working and so what i have to do can be put off again and again because it doesnt matter..so i was told exactly what to do but not really told why it had to be done..when i started to disagree with any of it then i was just getting an attitude and not being helpful..so i shut up and did all of it only to find out later that i cant finish any of it..going on saturday now..wont hold my breathe and wont be surprised if it doesnt happen..the only thing im still sure about is that i still have to start training on the 2nd..dont know where my stuff is going..dont know where dusti is going to be ..dont know anything ..im ready to throw it all away and just say screw it and i dont care..almost wished the house would burn down earlier but i went back and turned the stove off before i left to go to the store..learned that cutting my ankle so much wasnt a great idea because now it hurts to walk..cant say i really care except that ..nevermind i dont care..all day i thoughtabout cutting my wrist and just going and getting new wristbands..hunted for razors in the hardware store and couldnt find what i was looking for so didnt get any new ones..not that it really matter since i have like 6 in my bag anyway..even thought about getting bandaids to lessen the scars but that didnt last for long..they could all get infected and im still not sure i would care..dont want to look at then though since im not really sure how much it was..it feels like im just falling apart..i keep thinking about what it would mean to die..i still dont know if it would hurt or not..and i dont even feel guilty that im thinking about dying..i feel guilty that ill somehow get in trouble for it..i want to go back to greenville just to be by myself for a couple days..but im not really sure i need to be by myself either..i dont want to stay here..i cant stay here and even begin to think ill be ok..there should be something wrong with being suicidal at home..almost made it but it didnt work out..and if i stay i have a week..if i leave ill have only 3 or so days actually at home..but if saturday actually happens ill be stuck in the car for 12 hours with mommy..might jump out into traffic or something..mommy came home and started saying thanks for cleaning and what not and it didnt matter and it didnt make a difference for anything..