yes i have some issues when it comes to reading or watching things that involve a child or women being hurt in some way...abused i guess you could say.. and i can relate and feel their pain and confusion etc...but i really watch like ive said before because i need to see that they have a happier ending to their story..and yess then i just get jealously because there problems are all solved within a two hour time frame..and im still struggling to manage my own stuff..and to deal with my own past hurts and things...so yes it feels very unfair..but all the same i do watch it...Enough came on tonight again..a movie about domestic violence..and it makes me upset...i refuse to ever let someone else hit me...never again..ive spent way to long feeling helpless and afraid..im tired of feeling so helpless and scared and afraid..my life has been ruled by my past for so long..and the long road to gaining peace of mind seems to be never ending..but for my getting to the point where i do have peace of mind will be the hardest battle i have to fight..and i refuse to be put in the positive that i am allowing someone else to hurt me...as a kid maybe i wasnt able to protect myself...the people who were supposed to protect me werent there..and so i was hurt and used and bribed and picked on and tthreatened and shamed and harmed...sso much that has happened to me and still the fear of past actions rules me..and still scares me..again it frustrates me that i am not learning the differences between good touch and bad touch..im learning that its not ok too be treated badly..its not ok to be yelled at or hurt or picked on..its not okay at all .im learning that i can say no..i can say no and not feel bad about it..im learning that i have a right to be happy..to be cared for..and supported..im learning that it is ok to ask for hugs..at appropriate times..but just you know there is life without being hurt...i just have to find it..and be willing to keep it..
oh and awesomely awesome news ...... going to see the lion king next week :) :) :) :) :) :) like there is no words to describe my enjoyment of this show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
anatomy of a hug
things are so very different right now..things are changing and it is scary but i dont know..im hoping maybe that this is how things should be..maybe i will be able to figure out how to be happy...i want it to be true..i want it to work...
but well i feel the need to write about my absolute need to hugs lately..well i think its more that i am feeling the need for comfort and support and that materializes into a need for hugs..and its like a never ending desire to be comforted..and its so strong..like i need it..its seriously like a drug..not that i would tell that to anyone lol..but um like i have 3 or 4 people that i completely crave hugs from..surprisingly they are all parents..well they have kids..but they are also all people that i work with..because well ive had time to get used to them and now that ive been talking to them more and more ..i am feeling way more attached and needy with them..and i do try to control it...i do..but its hard because i want there attention so so much..i want all of there attention and i dont want to share there attention with anyone else..and i just get so jealous when i have to do that..and i guess i know that the jealously bit is going to have to calm down some but i dont know how to do that..its like i finally have people in my life who truly care about me and my well being and ive never really had that before..and now that i am talking more and feeling so scared and small and afraid..that my need for comfort has been kicked into high gear..and its like no amount of hugs is ever enough..
but as i was getting a hug yesterday .. i was thinking about why it is that i want them so much..becuase it is obviously so much more than just the hug i am after...but with the people that i enjoy getting hugs from its a safety thing also..in a world where i do feel unsafe pretty often..the hugs are small bits of safety that i am able to get..they wake up the need that i have to feel safe and protected and cared for..and a small peace from feeling so afraid all the time..they touch a very deep and hidden pain and yearning for care that has never been addressed or touched .. the hugs speak to the smallest parts of myself that need to comfort and that need the safe touch..its hard to think that i am supposed to be 28 and that now i am able to see and understand wwhat it means to be touched in a good way..to be touched without fear, without pain, without worrying what i would have to do...
but well i feel the need to write about my absolute need to hugs lately..well i think its more that i am feeling the need for comfort and support and that materializes into a need for hugs..and its like a never ending desire to be comforted..and its so strong..like i need it..its seriously like a drug..not that i would tell that to anyone lol..but um like i have 3 or 4 people that i completely crave hugs from..surprisingly they are all parents..well they have kids..but they are also all people that i work with..because well ive had time to get used to them and now that ive been talking to them more and more ..i am feeling way more attached and needy with them..and i do try to control it...i do..but its hard because i want there attention so so much..i want all of there attention and i dont want to share there attention with anyone else..and i just get so jealous when i have to do that..and i guess i know that the jealously bit is going to have to calm down some but i dont know how to do that..its like i finally have people in my life who truly care about me and my well being and ive never really had that before..and now that i am talking more and feeling so scared and small and afraid..that my need for comfort has been kicked into high gear..and its like no amount of hugs is ever enough..
but as i was getting a hug yesterday .. i was thinking about why it is that i want them so much..becuase it is obviously so much more than just the hug i am after...but with the people that i enjoy getting hugs from its a safety thing also..in a world where i do feel unsafe pretty often..the hugs are small bits of safety that i am able to get..they wake up the need that i have to feel safe and protected and cared for..and a small peace from feeling so afraid all the time..they touch a very deep and hidden pain and yearning for care that has never been addressed or touched .. the hugs speak to the smallest parts of myself that need to comfort and that need the safe touch..its hard to think that i am supposed to be 28 and that now i am able to see and understand wwhat it means to be touched in a good way..to be touched without fear, without pain, without worrying what i would have to do...
Monday, February 27, 2012
feeling very sad
i feel that my time with my supervisor is going to be ending a lot sooner than we planned :(
Sunday, February 26, 2012
....
I
Am
Not
A
Failure
!!!
I AM ME....AND....I AM ENOUGH
for the first time in my life..i can write that statement without running in fear..without doubting it completely..i am enough..i am. i am not awful or bad or selfish. i dont want to be judged and hurt and so i have to love myself to be able to love someone else..it is going to be a long long road to travel down..but if i want things to change .. i have to put the effort into it...
Am
Not
A
Failure
!!!
I AM ME....AND....I AM ENOUGH
for the first time in my life..i can write that statement without running in fear..without doubting it completely..i am enough..i am. i am not awful or bad or selfish. i dont want to be judged and hurt and so i have to love myself to be able to love someone else..it is going to be a long long road to travel down..but if i want things to change .. i have to put the effort into it...
reflections on church
today has been a very different day...big time...i went to church this morning. ( i got lots and lots of hugs)..i also tried hard to hide behind my boss..i didnt venture far from her side at all..and i ended up sitting between her and her sister who used to work at the office and who i had really been missing. her sister gives good good good hugs..and i got like 4 from her by the time i had left..and they did that whole hug your neighbor thing too and so i got even more hugs..only one i was a bit uncomfortable with and that was from my boss's husband..it was really loud there...like majorly i thought i was going to go deaf loud..but i did like the music..a lot. its been so very long since ive gone to church..like over 6 years so its been a long long while..and it felt so different you know..but still i couldnt seem to completely let go of that child feeling..i couldnt keep myself in adult mode and feeling scared and exposed just made the feelings harder to contain..i was fine with i was safely between my boss and her sister..but if one of them moved to far away from me then i was overly scared and on alert until they returned..and i didnt sit in the back lol but once i was between them i think i was more afraid of getting up and leaving ..so i stayed for the whole service..and i mean it wasnt horrible.it was just..it felt like the pastor had known i was coming and tailored his whole sermon about me and what i was dealing with..like the sermon was on fear and doing things and reaching for your goals regardless..and even if you are scared you can still get to your goals..etc..and i was listening..i was and it was a lot to think about..because half of me was wondering how he knew what to preach about..and the other half was freaked about being a church..i had a few other issues though..and i feel really stupid for this evening being an issue :( i know that my boss and her sister have there own lives outside of me..i know that and i can accept that sometimes...but well my boss has a husband and her sister has a 'friend' and both were at church today..but none of them came together..so i was fine with just my supervisor and her sister ..but then there significant others came and immediately my jealously spiked horribly..i didnt want them to be there..i didnt want them to take away all the attention that i wanted..i didnt want to share there attention with anyone..and so i just wanted the two men to be just gone ..but they didnt go anywhere and it just bothered me a little bit...i had to really work hard to lower my feelings of jealously cas it was ridiculous and unnecessary..but it did happen..and so i just felt a bit horrible about that..but i really do have some major issues when it comes to them and my supervisor..i get so jealous when they give anyone else attention..i dont know how to fix that issue...
and well this morning i as i was freaking out and driving to church..i started to think about some of the reasons that i dont care much for church and all of that..and started to think about the old stuff..from being little and what not...church was never a fun place for me..i dont think i ever wanted to go..i dont really remember though...church was a place to just sit quietly and not be heard. it was a place that caused promises of future punishment for not being good or well behaved..and unfortunately if i was sitting near mommy and misbehaving then i was pinched and told to be quiet..and being pinched in church is horrible..dont know how it is iit hurt more than anything..but church was the only place mommy doled out pinches..the looks and promises could come at any time for any reason..i dont remember much about it when i was really little though..i know i went..i know i was in private school and so i guess i just couldnt get away from church .. i think we were there a lot but i dont know for sure..mommy told me i got into big trouble a few times..stealing was the issue .. dont know why i did it..but hmm yeah..but later after moving i remember a bit more..and it was kinda the same feelings associated with church..i was forced or tricked into going..tried hard to avoid going ...but sometimes just couldnt i guess..or wasnt given a chance to say no..mommy didint go as often but us kids had to go..cas we could walk to church..it was right down the road..funny we went to the same church for a number of years and i only know a hand full of people...my fear of talking and all of that meant that church was just another place where i felt uncomfortable..and i avoid the children stuff as much as i could..and when i couldnt the fear was horrible..not that anyone cared about that..since i was supposed to do what i was told to do..after a while mommy started saying that if we didnt go to church then we couldnt go out in the afternoons and stuff..not that i cared about that since i never went anywhere anyway..that one didnt work on me..i guess it worked a bit better on my other brothers and sisters though..now that im older and can make the choice i guess..i just stopped going..it was to scary for me..i couldnt deal with the crowds and all the people..and i guess i didnt see it as a fun place at all...in college i went for a couple months with a friend that i made who worked in my building...she was one of the first to know about the cutting..and ive forgotten now how she even found out about it..but she found out..and i kinda became attached to her..and she was really big into church and stuff and so i went for a little while with her..but again my fear and shyness prevented me from forming any type of lasting relationships with anyone there..but her church had a lady pastor and that was like the coolest thing i had ever seen..it was the first time i had been to a church with a lady pastor..and i liked her voice..i liked listening to her talk...i was to afraid to approach her but i watched her constantly when i was there..but then again for whatever reason i stopped going..it wasnt a a huge deal for me..but mommy had gotten into the habit of demanding that i go to church..i told yvonne constantly that if mommy asked for her to say i was going to church..every week..it was one of those just say im going so that the conversation will be dropped..that lasted pretty all of the time that i was in college...with moving around and what not after college church wasnt a place i really wanted to be...thought about it sometimes but never went..didnt know where to go or even i wanted to go...i was invited some to one place but i never went...mommy started pushing again for me to go back to church last year maybe...saying church would save me..and so the more she pushed the more i refused to go...if she wanted me to do it then i didnt want to do it..guess that was me being passive aggressive about the whole situation..i dont know..but again no real desire to go...so fast forward to this past week..after having a talk with my boss about having more issues on the weekends..and struggling to get out and isolating and well so on..and her idea was to invite me to church..which i refused and i told her more about my anxiety and being in a new place..and she still invited me and kept telling me that i would know her and her sister..and one other person..which led me to telling her that i hadnt been all that okay with the male office manager at first..which i hadnt planned on sharing ..but did..well eventually i said i would think about..and i thought about it all week..talked about it with my therapist..and waited and waited and asked my boss a gazillion times if it was okay for me to come..and finally when yesterday rolled around..my anxiety about the whole thing elevated massively and i didnt want to go..but if i didnt then i know that i would be like struggling for forever with this..so i did some collage stuff, calmed down..and then sent my boss a message about going and that i would see her tomorrow...this morning i was up crazy early..worried and scared....and anxious..and felt sick i was so afraid..and forced myself to get up and get dressed and go..fear or not i made myself go..the whole drive all i was thinking was how much i didnt want to go and how nervous i was about being there..the fact that it was a church was besides the point..i was more afraid of the new people and being in a new place..but i went and as promised my boss came out and met me and introduced me to ppl and i sat with her..and i just watched everything going on..literally..i watched the people i could see..i watched the singers..i watched the little kids..i didnt say much at all.but i was polite when ppl spoke to me..i didnt initiate any conversations at all..but i lasted..i was fairly nervous the entire time i ws there..but it spiked more towards the end of the service..and i felt more scared and nervous and the need to hide because there was to many people around me..but i made it..and surprisingly fear all aside i was really distracted during the church service..like the music was so loud i had to stay out of my head lol...
but i lasted..through the whole service..i did something that i was very afraid of..and i ended up handing over my blades..it was tempting me to much to keep them..i could have thrown them away i guess..but i guess it just meant more to give them to her..and to know that she wont be giving me them back..yes i want them..more so know that i dont have them...but i wont be getting them back..darn...
so that was my morning... ran errands and now im at home..and taji is umm just having a time with things right now..but i have cleaning, laundry, and paperwork to do for the rest of the day...fun.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
not much to say i guess...
i havent been writing much at all lately. im not relly sure why though because there is a lot of stuff going on in my head and it is all so overwhelming and confusing and hard to deal with..it makes me tired litterally..and i find that more often than not lately i am just coming home and sleeping...i have trouble getting out of the house in the morning and come home in the evenings just to crash...im not functions very much at all right now and it is a little frustrating..i have so much work to do..paperwork i mean.since i am a week behind..but all of my life stuff is getting in the way big time right now..and im just being plauged with so much that im worrying about..and im trying not to stress out..i am ..but i am still finding myself stuck in rewind and i keep thinking about everything..medicine, money, the whole surgery fiasco, mommy, demands, the cats, just everything :( im having a hard time prioritizing everything...right now..well tomorrow i think my goal will be to just get my work caught up..that would be good...if i can just catch up a little bit of the stress will be off..but again..so freaking much to do..
my head is hurting..a lot..and has been hurting for hours today...just kinda started and hasnt stopped or let up yet...im trying to figure out what it is that is going on with me..my head hurts..my back hurts..im tired..and worn out..and just feeling sorry for myself..big time...i want comfort and i want to feel supported..and i realize that i have been seriously isolating again...normally im always going back and forth to the office..just to be there...but last week with all of the doc appts i had plus not feeling good, and then trying to see my clients and slacking on that too..ugh..im not feeling so thrilled with myself right now..truly not...i need a break...a real honest to goodness break...i want to go away..i really do..i dont know..i feel like im being forced to handle so much stuff and i cant handle anything..im not feeling strong or brave or even stable right now..im trying i am..but things just keep piling up..i have to keep it together...today when my anxiety got the best of me and i was wanting to cut..i worked on looking for new stuff to use in my collages instead of cutting..and it did help..i was able to refocus and calm down..i am okay i guess..sad and depressed still yes but not wanting to cut so much right now..i did good..i didnt cut..
i have some triggering stuff today about child abuse and stuff...i just get caught up in those types of storys and what not and it is a trigger..but at the same time i feel the need to read them..i need to see that they are saved..that they are able to find help..that they were able to grow up and live and thrive...i guess i just want to have hope that things can get better..that its possible to get better..i want to know that it gets better..i just want to know that i am not out hope...and maybe i am looking for something that i can relate too..i want to feel understood..i want to feel heard...and reading stuff today made me wonder a little bit more about writing my own story..wondering what i would say...wondering what i would have to say and how i would say it..
right now i think my goal is to just stay out of the hospital...im afraid that im slowly wearing down and falling apart and trying to deal and just not doing so well ..i know im not doing well :(
im trying to hang on..but i dont know why...i dont know what for...maybe i am just struggling more and things are feeling more hopeless..maybe it is all of the medical stuff and the unknown iwth so much that is driving my depression..my inability to deal with myself and all of that is causing issues also..and so i still just quietly hate and despise myself...i wonder why anyone bothers with me..why anyone cares about me at all..and i wonder why my family doesnt..what i have done that my mom doesnt want me..both parents you know..what is wrong with me ?
im afraid for myself..im afraid of myself..and im just trying to keep things together...and i just feel like i am failing horribly at all of it..
my head is hurting..a lot..and has been hurting for hours today...just kinda started and hasnt stopped or let up yet...im trying to figure out what it is that is going on with me..my head hurts..my back hurts..im tired..and worn out..and just feeling sorry for myself..big time...i want comfort and i want to feel supported..and i realize that i have been seriously isolating again...normally im always going back and forth to the office..just to be there...but last week with all of the doc appts i had plus not feeling good, and then trying to see my clients and slacking on that too..ugh..im not feeling so thrilled with myself right now..truly not...i need a break...a real honest to goodness break...i want to go away..i really do..i dont know..i feel like im being forced to handle so much stuff and i cant handle anything..im not feeling strong or brave or even stable right now..im trying i am..but things just keep piling up..i have to keep it together...today when my anxiety got the best of me and i was wanting to cut..i worked on looking for new stuff to use in my collages instead of cutting..and it did help..i was able to refocus and calm down..i am okay i guess..sad and depressed still yes but not wanting to cut so much right now..i did good..i didnt cut..
i have some triggering stuff today about child abuse and stuff...i just get caught up in those types of storys and what not and it is a trigger..but at the same time i feel the need to read them..i need to see that they are saved..that they are able to find help..that they were able to grow up and live and thrive...i guess i just want to have hope that things can get better..that its possible to get better..i want to know that it gets better..i just want to know that i am not out hope...and maybe i am looking for something that i can relate too..i want to feel understood..i want to feel heard...and reading stuff today made me wonder a little bit more about writing my own story..wondering what i would say...wondering what i would have to say and how i would say it..
right now i think my goal is to just stay out of the hospital...im afraid that im slowly wearing down and falling apart and trying to deal and just not doing so well ..i know im not doing well :(
im trying to hang on..but i dont know why...i dont know what for...maybe i am just struggling more and things are feeling more hopeless..maybe it is all of the medical stuff and the unknown iwth so much that is driving my depression..my inability to deal with myself and all of that is causing issues also..and so i still just quietly hate and despise myself...i wonder why anyone bothers with me..why anyone cares about me at all..and i wonder why my family doesnt..what i have done that my mom doesnt want me..both parents you know..what is wrong with me ?
im afraid for myself..im afraid of myself..and im just trying to keep things together...and i just feel like i am failing horribly at all of it..
Thursday, February 23, 2012
full out pity party...
i am feeling sorry for myself..sad and dejected and just gosh darn sorry for myself..and im just hiding away from things today..i did work for a little while today..and then i came home and crashed because the enormatity of what is going on was just a lot to deal with..
so what is driving my pity party? well i went and saw the foot doc today..and we had a chat about what to do to help me with my foot issues...and the recommendation is surgeryish and meds to combat the problem..while there you know it sounded all easy and great and i was all for it..i left him and talked to both mommy and nia about it all..and then after that the whole thing just sorta hit me..and it was like holy s@(*#..am i really going to let them go and remove junk that i may or may not need..like second thoughts extreme on all of it..and i called my supervisor freaked and told her i wanted to fire my doctors..but she finally got the story out of me about what had gone on and got me calmed down a bit..and pretty much told me that it will be ok and that i need to take it one step at a time..i am scared though..very scared and upset..and feeling so frustrated at all of the doc stuff that i have going on..and how it has just been one thing after another lately..well since oct or so of last year..and its just medicine and doc visits, and specialist visits and i feel all poked and prodded and just frustrated..i mean yah its cool getting good news from the doc..but then getting all the other this is whats going on news is so overwhelming..by taking care of one problem..more tend to pop up..and then its like a never ending hassle..and its like yeah now i remember why i avoided docs so much before...i mean ys recently i have met some rather nice doctors who dont make me feel majorly afraid..and im guessing that is a good good thing..but at the same time i am tired of doctors and problems and issues..i am..
so that leaves me trying to process it all..and figure out what it is that i need to do and what is going to happen. i have to make some phone calls tomorrow concerning more labwork..and where i need to go inorder to get it done..and all of that..and then they will schedule me for the surgerys..there will be two..because i cant get them both done at the same time and be expected to get up and walk anywhere..the doc said one at a time so that i will still be able to walk a bit and things..and well there will be a bit of the whole yeah no walking to much or driving and what not...and the surgerys have to be done on fridays to kinda give me the weekend to regroup and heal and what not..:(
i guess in the grand scheme of things the choice is still mine on whether or not i want to have it done...but if i dont do it then it will just get worse..and id truly would rather it was taken care of now i guess..but at the same time it is terrifying to think about..
so yes i am feeling very sorry for myself..and scared and all sorts of other things....
supervisor said good job...for taking care of myself and addressing my stuff and dealing with it...i just said ok
so what is driving my pity party? well i went and saw the foot doc today..and we had a chat about what to do to help me with my foot issues...and the recommendation is surgeryish and meds to combat the problem..while there you know it sounded all easy and great and i was all for it..i left him and talked to both mommy and nia about it all..and then after that the whole thing just sorta hit me..and it was like holy s@(*#..am i really going to let them go and remove junk that i may or may not need..like second thoughts extreme on all of it..and i called my supervisor freaked and told her i wanted to fire my doctors..but she finally got the story out of me about what had gone on and got me calmed down a bit..and pretty much told me that it will be ok and that i need to take it one step at a time..i am scared though..very scared and upset..and feeling so frustrated at all of the doc stuff that i have going on..and how it has just been one thing after another lately..well since oct or so of last year..and its just medicine and doc visits, and specialist visits and i feel all poked and prodded and just frustrated..i mean yah its cool getting good news from the doc..but then getting all the other this is whats going on news is so overwhelming..by taking care of one problem..more tend to pop up..and then its like a never ending hassle..and its like yeah now i remember why i avoided docs so much before...i mean ys recently i have met some rather nice doctors who dont make me feel majorly afraid..and im guessing that is a good good thing..but at the same time i am tired of doctors and problems and issues..i am..
so that leaves me trying to process it all..and figure out what it is that i need to do and what is going to happen. i have to make some phone calls tomorrow concerning more labwork..and where i need to go inorder to get it done..and all of that..and then they will schedule me for the surgerys..there will be two..because i cant get them both done at the same time and be expected to get up and walk anywhere..the doc said one at a time so that i will still be able to walk a bit and things..and well there will be a bit of the whole yeah no walking to much or driving and what not...and the surgerys have to be done on fridays to kinda give me the weekend to regroup and heal and what not..:(
i guess in the grand scheme of things the choice is still mine on whether or not i want to have it done...but if i dont do it then it will just get worse..and id truly would rather it was taken care of now i guess..but at the same time it is terrifying to think about..
so yes i am feeling very sorry for myself..and scared and all sorts of other things....
supervisor said good job...for taking care of myself and addressing my stuff and dealing with it...i just said ok
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
how interesting things are becoming...
besides my overt lack of motivation to do anything at all this week...there are a lot of different things going on..and its all dealing with some big big major things..lots of changing and dealing with things and some how managing and talking more and accepting support and comfort..and all of that..
like im considering going to church this weekend..as a way to get out and meet new ppl..which is a highly terrifying thing to even consider..because i have major issues with being around new people and well talking and not dying on the spot..and well my major anxiety with just meeting new ppl and being in a new environment..and all of that...super scary .. but im thinking about it.i said i would..and ill most likely show up...but going inside is a whole different issue..like i can gt myself there..i can..but already the anxiety about going inside is major..and its not even happened yet..and i feel like im maybe over reacting ..but the anxiety is real...very very real...
and i actually signed up for a peer to peer education program ...its 11 darn weeks!! well the program is one day a week for 11 weeks..and since i am so much in need to support and all of that i figure i can manage this i hope..and maybe learn some new things and skills and what not...i emailed the lady tonight about signing up for the program..and it doesnt start until the end of march..so i have a bit more time to get used to the idea too..
and i want to fill out the application to go to the nami convention thing thats in june..well i want to see if i can get a scholarship to go to the conference..that would be awesome and well ive never been to seattle..so that would be really cool..but i have to actually do the darn application..and get it mailed in and have a letter of recommendation..so yeah...ive been trying to figure out who to ask to write me that recommendation..i dont know..i sorta dont want to let my supervisor do it but goodness she may write a great one...maybe ill ask my therapist to write it for me..i dont know..
and then add in all of the usual issues with the week and therapy and work and my head is just full right now...a lot of thinking going on about so many different things..
like im considering going to church this weekend..as a way to get out and meet new ppl..which is a highly terrifying thing to even consider..because i have major issues with being around new people and well talking and not dying on the spot..and well my major anxiety with just meeting new ppl and being in a new environment..and all of that...super scary .. but im thinking about it.i said i would..and ill most likely show up...but going inside is a whole different issue..like i can gt myself there..i can..but already the anxiety about going inside is major..and its not even happened yet..and i feel like im maybe over reacting ..but the anxiety is real...very very real...
and i actually signed up for a peer to peer education program ...its 11 darn weeks!! well the program is one day a week for 11 weeks..and since i am so much in need to support and all of that i figure i can manage this i hope..and maybe learn some new things and skills and what not...i emailed the lady tonight about signing up for the program..and it doesnt start until the end of march..so i have a bit more time to get used to the idea too..
and i want to fill out the application to go to the nami convention thing thats in june..well i want to see if i can get a scholarship to go to the conference..that would be awesome and well ive never been to seattle..so that would be really cool..but i have to actually do the darn application..and get it mailed in and have a letter of recommendation..so yeah...ive been trying to figure out who to ask to write me that recommendation..i dont know..i sorta dont want to let my supervisor do it but goodness she may write a great one...maybe ill ask my therapist to write it for me..i dont know..
and then add in all of the usual issues with the week and therapy and work and my head is just full right now...a lot of thinking going on about so many different things..
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
ugh ...one bad choice leads to another
im really hungry right now..like majorly hungry and there is nothing that i truly want to eat at home..and that is frustrating me i think..but i have lots of junk food...bad trip to the grocery store today lead to me getting major not so good things and then i stopped and got fast food which was disappointing..and then i threw up..and then i took my medicine finally..and now i want to eat..but ugh..i dont know..
i think today just caused more anxiety than i thought it did..i dont know..i didnt want to purge but i did anyway..but then i felt better once i made the decision to do it..because the feeling is nice afterwards..the sick feeling before hand is majorly gross..but still i made a choice and did it and ugh..yeah..
i dont know im just preoccupied tonight...i need to do my paperwork and i dont want to..i just want to lay down and like think about everything but do nothing..i need to clean up and do laundry and all sorts of stuff..but still im not doing anything..i hate feeling like this..i hate when my mood is so down and out and just frustrating..im not suicidal though..guess thats the one good thing..essh
i think today just caused more anxiety than i thought it did..i dont know..i didnt want to purge but i did anyway..but then i felt better once i made the decision to do it..because the feeling is nice afterwards..the sick feeling before hand is majorly gross..but still i made a choice and did it and ugh..yeah..
i dont know im just preoccupied tonight...i need to do my paperwork and i dont want to..i just want to lay down and like think about everything but do nothing..i need to clean up and do laundry and all sorts of stuff..but still im not doing anything..i hate feeling like this..i hate when my mood is so down and out and just frustrating..im not suicidal though..guess thats the one good thing..essh
yesterday
yesterday was a bit overwhelming...the weekend ended up being very overwhelming..darn 
and im going to have to write this fast since im supposed to be getting ready to go see t ..
yesterday i went to my staff meeting..because i had to and because i had promised a coworker i would get her since she is hving some car trouble..so i went..and the topic was depression..and that was a bit to much for me to handle because i was identifying way to much with what was being talked about and that made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed..and so i was feeling a bit removed from it all.. but i lasted through all of it..while the kids had a field day with the dumdums ..i like i ended up with like 10 of those darn things but they didnt eat all of them! thankfully. but my supervisor wasnt there yesterday
and i guess i knew that but still i think i was hoping she would be
there..but the director was and so i asked if i could chat with her for a
little bit..and that turned into a bit of a long chat..and we talked
about my struggles over the weekend and what happened..and what i had
done etc..i told her quite a bit actually..and so we talked about it and
i eventually told her that i had cut..and showed her what i had
done..and we talked about her reaction becuase i told her what had
happened with mommy when she found out
and all of that..and i asked my director if she was going to be mad at
me..and so we had a whole conversation about that too..and then she
invited me to her church..since i had talked to her about how not having
the structure over the weekends kinda leaves me majorly isolated and
all of that..and so her idea to help was to invite me to church..and i
told her that i would think about it..but the idea is highly scary and
overwhelming..i truly cant remember the last time i actually attended
church..like a service..and i mean im not the most religious or
anything..but i do enjoy the time i get to spend with her..but i dont
know..i told her that i was scared about being around so many new people
that i didnt know.but of course i had already told her that it was a
little easier if i was with someone i knew...so of course she remembers
all of that and reminded me that i know her..and i know a couple other
ppl church from the office..and so she told me that i wouldnt be by
myself...so yeah told her i would think about it..and for as much as i
want to say no and hide and all of that..i know that i do need to get
out of the house..so im not real sure about this one...because i get a
bit conflicted with wanting to do what others want me to do..and i know
im not being pressured to go..but at the same time i dont want to
disappoint her..and i do genuinely like being around her..and i showed
her my arm..i wanted to ..but i wasnt really sure why i wanted to until
much later that evening..as i was sleeping i think...but its like i can
ignore them..the cuts ..the scars..sometimes its like they arent there
at all..like i can see them without seeing them...but showing them to
someone else makes me more real..like it someone else seems them then i
have to see them too..i have to acknowledge that they are there..i cant
hide them if someone else is looking at them..:( i didnt feel shame
though with her seeing them..she told me she was concerned and sad..but
not mad..and we talked about the whole control piece and how i can end
up doing a lot of damage without meaning too..but it was ok i think..im
not sorry i showed her...im really truly not...because in my little
world..the cutting keeps me feeling so very separate from everyone
else..and i can understand that the cutting is hard to understand...hard
to see and even harder to accept..and really i only have mommys
reaction which was horrible to base things on..yvonne knows and well you
all and my therapists and thats it for like who i will acknowledge it
with..oh and my old supervisor, director, and director..im sure others
suspect you know..but no one asks you know..so its not like i have a lot
of accepting opinions to go on..and i guess im trying hard to trust
what my director told me last night..that her opinion of me hasnt
changed...she did tell me that she can see i am hurting and that the
cutting shows that i am hurting..she told me that this is growth.. i
looked at her like she had lost her mind with that one..but i didnt
object..i really do wonder why it is that i had to meet all of these
people in a working relationship
because again there is only so much that i can get from them and i just
want so much more..i want everything from them ..and i cant have it all
from them and thats not fair..
i had a massively hard time sleeping last night..i dont know just wasnt working out..and i kept waking up and couldnt get comfortable because my arm was hurting a lot ..so it was a good thing waking up today...gave up on sleeping any more..
did do something nice for the kids last night and got them a little pillow pet thing..walked around the store petting the thing
so got it for them ..
but i gotta go..therapy calls ... guess we have a bit to talk about..
and im going to have to write this fast since im supposed to be getting ready to go see t ..yesterday i went to my staff meeting..because i had to and because i had promised a coworker i would get her since she is hving some car trouble..so i went..and the topic was depression..and that was a bit to much for me to handle because i was identifying way to much with what was being talked about and that made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed..and so i was feeling a bit removed from it all.. but i lasted through all of it..while the kids had a field day with the dumdums ..i like i ended up with like 10 of those darn things but they didnt eat all of them! thankfully. but my supervisor wasnt there yesterday
and i guess i knew that but still i think i was hoping she would be
there..but the director was and so i asked if i could chat with her for a
little bit..and that turned into a bit of a long chat..and we talked
about my struggles over the weekend and what happened..and what i had
done etc..i told her quite a bit actually..and so we talked about it and
i eventually told her that i had cut..and showed her what i had
done..and we talked about her reaction becuase i told her what had
happened with mommy when she found out
and all of that..and i asked my director if she was going to be mad at
me..and so we had a whole conversation about that too..and then she
invited me to her church..since i had talked to her about how not having
the structure over the weekends kinda leaves me majorly isolated and
all of that..and so her idea to help was to invite me to church..and i
told her that i would think about it..but the idea is highly scary and
overwhelming..i truly cant remember the last time i actually attended
church..like a service..and i mean im not the most religious or
anything..but i do enjoy the time i get to spend with her..but i dont
know..i told her that i was scared about being around so many new people
that i didnt know.but of course i had already told her that it was a
little easier if i was with someone i knew...so of course she remembers
all of that and reminded me that i know her..and i know a couple other
ppl church from the office..and so she told me that i wouldnt be by
myself...so yeah told her i would think about it..and for as much as i
want to say no and hide and all of that..i know that i do need to get
out of the house..so im not real sure about this one...because i get a
bit conflicted with wanting to do what others want me to do..and i know
im not being pressured to go..but at the same time i dont want to
disappoint her..and i do genuinely like being around her..and i showed
her my arm..i wanted to ..but i wasnt really sure why i wanted to until
much later that evening..as i was sleeping i think...but its like i can
ignore them..the cuts ..the scars..sometimes its like they arent there
at all..like i can see them without seeing them...but showing them to
someone else makes me more real..like it someone else seems them then i
have to see them too..i have to acknowledge that they are there..i cant
hide them if someone else is looking at them..:( i didnt feel shame
though with her seeing them..she told me she was concerned and sad..but
not mad..and we talked about the whole control piece and how i can end
up doing a lot of damage without meaning too..but it was ok i think..im
not sorry i showed her...im really truly not...because in my little
world..the cutting keeps me feeling so very separate from everyone
else..and i can understand that the cutting is hard to understand...hard
to see and even harder to accept..and really i only have mommys
reaction which was horrible to base things on..yvonne knows and well you
all and my therapists and thats it for like who i will acknowledge it
with..oh and my old supervisor, director, and director..im sure others
suspect you know..but no one asks you know..so its not like i have a lot
of accepting opinions to go on..and i guess im trying hard to trust
what my director told me last night..that her opinion of me hasnt
changed...she did tell me that she can see i am hurting and that the
cutting shows that i am hurting..she told me that this is growth.. i
looked at her like she had lost her mind with that one..but i didnt
object..i really do wonder why it is that i had to meet all of these
people in a working relationship
because again there is only so much that i can get from them and i just
want so much more..i want everything from them ..and i cant have it all
from them and thats not fair..i had a massively hard time sleeping last night..i dont know just wasnt working out..and i kept waking up and couldnt get comfortable because my arm was hurting a lot ..so it was a good thing waking up today...gave up on sleeping any more..
did do something nice for the kids last night and got them a little pillow pet thing..walked around the store petting the thing
so got it for them .. but i gotta go..therapy calls ... guess we have a bit to talk about..
Sunday, February 19, 2012
fears...real and imagined...
im afraid today. im afraid to leave the house. to go outside. to be outside around anyone else. the world is to scary, everything is to open, to crowded..and only being at home can keep me safe..i didnt realize until today that the fear was there again..and that the more i thought about going out the more fearful i became..almost to the point of crying because the idea is so very upsetting. i dont understand where it comes from or why it is here or what it means..but for some reason i do not feel safe..with anything..it is hard..to manage this and still have to do things outside of the house..and to be expected to leave home and go to work and things..maybe that is why my mornings have become so hard again..my fear and anxiety is rising again...i dont understand..
Saturday, February 18, 2012
well then
i think im still a bit disconnected from things..but i guess thats a conversation for my therapist this week..
but snow is coming :) :) that has me so very excited .. i keep looking out the window to check and see if its snowing yet! but its not yet..so im waiting for it :)
ok thats all
Friday, February 17, 2012
just feeling a bit down
i realize that i havent really done much this week with anything...ive been tired and sick and kinda under the weather with things..and the meds are still messing with my and i feel sick throughout the day..but its not as bad as tuesday when i truly felt i couldnt move without being sick...its better but still not cook that i am still feeling sick and gross and all of that..today wasnt so good in that area but i did work for most of the day. and then i just couldnt manage and had to come home..well after running a couple errands and spending way to much money again at the grocery store..i feel like im hording food because i buy stuff i dont technically need to just to have it..and some things i buy and then i get them home and dont even want them anymore..i dont understand..right now im going through a pretty not good carb and junk food overload..like i have chips and cookies in the house..and i feel so stupid that i caved and bought some things that i know lead to binging and all of that..and although thoughts of purging have been on my mind the past couple days..i did not go down that route today..so im just in a not so sure what im doing phase..and i feel so full and heavy and im disappointed in myself you know..and i know ill be able to get it under control..but still the whole thing is a bit unsettling..like i was doing so well you know..and now im kind of bottoming out on things..i dont know..
i think my paranioa is picking up again...like ive attached myself so bad to my supervisor that im very very scared that she is going to leave me. and i dont want that to happen. i dont want her to leave me. i dont want her to move to another job or me not able to see her. i know its crazy and to much to deal with.but it is making me feel very nervous and scared and panicky..i havent been able to spend time with her one on one this week..and i wont see her on monday and maybe that is the part of things that has me worried..and i dont know. im guessing she isnt going to be in the office monday. i could be wrong. but my usual one on one time with her didnt happen and i am feeling lost in the shuffle. i know that she cant devote all of her time to me (no matter how much i want her to do that exactly) but i want her time and attention all the same. she has sent me a couple messages throughout the week and what not and has checked on me a little..but its the one on one that im missing..and wanting..and this week i havent had it from anyone. i didnt see t and i didnt see my supervisor..ive just sorta been left to my own devices this week..and i havent really accomplished anything..and i think that in my need to comfort im turning to food again and buying to much of it and wanting all of it and then not wanting it..and so im just getting everything and then getting mad that im getting everything..and the more i want stuff the more purging looks better an better..and the amount ive wasted on junk food the past few days is ridiculous.. :(
im just feeling sad and lonely tonight..i dont want to be bothered but my aloneness seems magnified..i feel like there is a lot going on in my head but im not tapping into it right now..like some how im feeling okay and so that is overshadowing and blocking all of the inside stuff..and so i think im ok but i still feel on edge and paranoid and angry...the past few days ive been getting random instances of anger .and i have to literally get myself to calm down..im just getting annoyed so much easier and i dont feel good and i just find myself feeling angry..mad..pissed off..and i dont know whats really causing it..i dont know how to deal with it..i dont like feeling so angry..
stuff with mommy is pretty much the same i guess...i gave her money..and paid back the money she let me borrow the other weekend..and ive paid most of my bills..but i find myself not interested at all in talking to her..i feel so angry and upset when i have to talk to her..and then i get defensive and sometimes im not even listening to anything she is saying..sometimes it makes me upset that she wants sometimes from me but she isnt coming out and just asking for it..shes going around and around and around and i just want to get off the phone and its like ok what is it that you are looking for from me..what do you want..and its like just tell me already or ask me or whatever...
you know the more i think about it..the more im wondering if my just replacing things again...im wanting to hurt and all of that but im not cutting...im picking horribly..but not cutting...and when that isnt enough suddenly the purging is a big big deal again..i want to eat and eat and eat and i want to throw it up..i know it will hurt..i know it will cause me pain..i just want to hurt..i dont know..
but yes..i feel things are being blocked..its hard..i feel disconnected from myself..i dont know
i think my paranioa is picking up again...like ive attached myself so bad to my supervisor that im very very scared that she is going to leave me. and i dont want that to happen. i dont want her to leave me. i dont want her to move to another job or me not able to see her. i know its crazy and to much to deal with.but it is making me feel very nervous and scared and panicky..i havent been able to spend time with her one on one this week..and i wont see her on monday and maybe that is the part of things that has me worried..and i dont know. im guessing she isnt going to be in the office monday. i could be wrong. but my usual one on one time with her didnt happen and i am feeling lost in the shuffle. i know that she cant devote all of her time to me (no matter how much i want her to do that exactly) but i want her time and attention all the same. she has sent me a couple messages throughout the week and what not and has checked on me a little..but its the one on one that im missing..and wanting..and this week i havent had it from anyone. i didnt see t and i didnt see my supervisor..ive just sorta been left to my own devices this week..and i havent really accomplished anything..and i think that in my need to comfort im turning to food again and buying to much of it and wanting all of it and then not wanting it..and so im just getting everything and then getting mad that im getting everything..and the more i want stuff the more purging looks better an better..and the amount ive wasted on junk food the past few days is ridiculous.. :(
im just feeling sad and lonely tonight..i dont want to be bothered but my aloneness seems magnified..i feel like there is a lot going on in my head but im not tapping into it right now..like some how im feeling okay and so that is overshadowing and blocking all of the inside stuff..and so i think im ok but i still feel on edge and paranoid and angry...the past few days ive been getting random instances of anger .and i have to literally get myself to calm down..im just getting annoyed so much easier and i dont feel good and i just find myself feeling angry..mad..pissed off..and i dont know whats really causing it..i dont know how to deal with it..i dont like feeling so angry..
stuff with mommy is pretty much the same i guess...i gave her money..and paid back the money she let me borrow the other weekend..and ive paid most of my bills..but i find myself not interested at all in talking to her..i feel so angry and upset when i have to talk to her..and then i get defensive and sometimes im not even listening to anything she is saying..sometimes it makes me upset that she wants sometimes from me but she isnt coming out and just asking for it..shes going around and around and around and i just want to get off the phone and its like ok what is it that you are looking for from me..what do you want..and its like just tell me already or ask me or whatever...
you know the more i think about it..the more im wondering if my just replacing things again...im wanting to hurt and all of that but im not cutting...im picking horribly..but not cutting...and when that isnt enough suddenly the purging is a big big deal again..i want to eat and eat and eat and i want to throw it up..i know it will hurt..i know it will cause me pain..i just want to hurt..i dont know..
but yes..i feel things are being blocked..its hard..i feel disconnected from myself..i dont know
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
sick and miserable
maybe i need to write a bit..im almost feeling normal right now and i guess im trying to go with it you know..because right now my stomach is not to happy with life..and i knows from my medicine and its just sorta miserable right now...i was sick all day long and just not feeling good and had a headache and couldnt think and literally was laying down almost all day long...and finally this evening like after 6ish i started to feel a bit more settled and able to get up and move and eat without being sick...it was a hard day..and now i have like loads of energy and want to get up and do stuff but now its late and its bed time lol...darn it..so its just music and what not and paperwork for a bit and then going to lay down all over again
Sunday, February 12, 2012
sundays thoughts and rambles
today has been a bit more productive than yesterday. thats for sure. i talked to nia this morning about some stuff that was bothering her..and then i kinda just got up and worked on cleaning and things...worked on the kitchen and the living room and doing laundry..and now im feeling really tired so decided to chill out for a bit and take a break...fixed lunch to cas was feeling super hungry...i want to make more cookies...ive been eating a lot of carbs and sugar this weekend..blah ..but oh well..
Friday, February 10, 2012
trying to deal with it
things are just feeling a bit unsettled...but goodness all the extra thinking time is bothersome..if i dont see t next week then it will be lots and lots of thinking time..and i maybe that is a good thing..having time to just sorta think things over..and figure out where i want to go from there...all the conversations this week have been majorly eye opening ..well i can see that now..a day ago i was feeling just awful and picked on..you know..just not a great few days..but today..i dont know..regardless of things going on.. felt sorta ok..frustrated at times with stuff..but overall managed i think..and so glad its the weekend..this week has drained us..i just want to sleep for the next two days..that would be awesome..
but feeling really antsy this evening..wanting to go somewhere..move..leave and just drive to some random destination..i dont know..just want to kinda go somewhere that is not here..
really am going to try hard to relax this weekend..and not stress out about things..thats the goal anyway..hopefully that will work out..
there are parts of the conversations that i have had this week have left me thinking about lots about certain things...like i dont want little kids to be hurt..i dont want want kids or anyone to suffer and be hurt and live scared and afraid..and my supervisor told me that i could help them..that i could understand the hurts and help them..and that every minute a child is hurt..and that me not working on my own stuff means that i may not be able to help the kids or people i come into contact with :(..that is a very depressing thought...sometimes my need to help someone else is a big big deal...it is nice to know that my clients do need me..i dont think about it often but sometimes at home i think about wonder about how much i do care for my clients and know that they care and have concerns for me also..and supervisor told me that my clients needed me..and there are so many times when i feel so ignored..so forgotten..so alone..and i feel like i am fighting this all by myself and that there is no way anyone can understand how hard it is for me to do daily stuff when all i want to do is hide at home and not interact with anyone...but they do care..my supervisor and my director..and t..they do care and i dont understand why but they do..and i need to trust them..learn from them..work on my stuff ..and some how learn how to let it go...thats the plan anyway..
so im thinking that i need a therapy notebook again..any actual notebook..that i can keep with me ..for writing and stuff..online is fine and ill prolly be online way more..but on the days when therapy is hard an my ability to remember things is low..it will be a good thing..
Thursday, February 09, 2012
whats going on
Today has been another hard day and I really feel picked on. I know that is just me over reaccting because I am once again being told that I am not trying when I feel like I am trying. But the more I think about things the more I am thinking that maybe it is me and. Something that I am doing. I don't know really know though what I want to do or where to go from here. I have talked to my director and supervisor and listened to my therapist and they are all saying the same things. When am I going to see the big picture that I need to work on my own stuff and that I need to grow up and deal with it and stop hiding behind my fear. I don't want to be like this forever I don't want to always be felleling so sad and depressed and not able to manage. My supervisor told me today that. I keep coming to talk to her and tallking to my director and that I am liking the attention that I'm getting from them. And I really need to think
.... thoughts from this evening
im feeling ..oh i wish i knew what i was feeling. im going back and forth between sad and upset and calm and just wondering what in the hell i am doing.and what it is that i want to do and what i want to happen...it hurts my feelings that i am being told again that im not trying hard enough..that it shouldnt be other people wanting me to get better more than i want to get better..i dont understand what i need to do or what i need to let happen to show that i am truly trying. after a heck of a lot of thinking i realize that if they keep telling me this then the issue is me..and something that i am not doing..and that is a hard thing to have to understand and deal with..its like what am i doing that is just not working ..its as if i am constantly sabotaging myself and that maybe i am hiding behind the fear.. maybe i am so comfortable being messed up..i can deal with the issues of going home and mommy and all of that and i fight hard against that changing..but i know it needs to change..i dont want to be a victim anymore. i dont i dont i dont..i dont want to kkeep feeling the way i am feeling. its not fun. its hellishly depressing and im tired of it ..i really am..but if i keep fighting them so very hard and refusing to accept that they are telling me the truth about things..i dont understand why its so hard for me to see that they are truly trying to help..and that they believe in me..so why cant i believe in myself ?? why cant i accept what they are telling me since i know that mommy tells me lies and just hurts me ...why am i still fighting them so hard? and i know that i have to make the choice and i have to do the work..and maybe some how i have gotten it in my head that everything else is going to work out and things will get better..like the meds will make me happy..i can go to my supervisor for extra support and caring..and that ill be able to keep seeing t and will have her forever..and that all of that will be enough to make me happy..to fix me..and i get so upset when they dont do what i want them to do..or they dont tell me what i want to hear..i feel like im just a spoiled brat..and that i just want everything and i want them to just magically fix me..but if im not trying or doing the work im asked to do then what is the point?? because then i stay where im at..im essentially keeping myself incredibly stuck..and i keep hoping for things to be better..i do want to feel better..i want to be able to be able to stand myself and not like hate everything that i am..but what is it that i am missing..what do i need to do to change
and my supervisor today told me that i am going back and forth between the three of them..(my supervisor, therapist, and now director) and that im getting attention but its negative attention..and that if i worked hard then i would see that there is a lot of positive attention for me out there..
i feel like im just screwing things up ..and i dont know how to get it to stop
really just feeling aimless and unsure of where to go from here..
.... thoughts from this evening
im feeling ..oh i wish i knew what i was feeling. im going back and forth between sad and upset and calm and just wondering what in the hell i am doing.and what it is that i want to do and what i want to happen...it hurts my feelings that i am being told again that im not trying hard enough..that it shouldnt be other people wanting me to get better more than i want to get better..i dont understand what i need to do or what i need to let happen to show that i am truly trying. after a heck of a lot of thinking i realize that if they keep telling me this then the issue is me..and something that i am not doing..and that is a hard thing to have to understand and deal with..its like what am i doing that is just not working ..its as if i am constantly sabotaging myself and that maybe i am hiding behind the fear.. maybe i am so comfortable being messed up..i can deal with the issues of going home and mommy and all of that and i fight hard against that changing..but i know it needs to change..i dont want to be a victim anymore. i dont i dont i dont..i dont want to kkeep feeling the way i am feeling. its not fun. its hellishly depressing and im tired of it ..i really am..but if i keep fighting them so very hard and refusing to accept that they are telling me the truth about things..i dont understand why its so hard for me to see that they are truly trying to help..and that they believe in me..so why cant i believe in myself ?? why cant i accept what they are telling me since i know that mommy tells me lies and just hurts me ...why am i still fighting them so hard? and i know that i have to make the choice and i have to do the work..and maybe some how i have gotten it in my head that everything else is going to work out and things will get better..like the meds will make me happy..i can go to my supervisor for extra support and caring..and that ill be able to keep seeing t and will have her forever..and that all of that will be enough to make me happy..to fix me..and i get so upset when they dont do what i want them to do..or they dont tell me what i want to hear..i feel like im just a spoiled brat..and that i just want everything and i want them to just magically fix me..but if im not trying or doing the work im asked to do then what is the point?? because then i stay where im at..im essentially keeping myself incredibly stuck..and i keep hoping for things to be better..i do want to feel better..i want to be able to be able to stand myself and not like hate everything that i am..but what is it that i am missing..what do i need to do to change
and my supervisor today told me that i am going back and forth between the three of them..(my supervisor, therapist, and now director) and that im getting attention but its negative attention..and that if i worked hard then i would see that there is a lot of positive attention for me out there..
i feel like im just screwing things up ..and i dont know how to get it to stop
really just feeling aimless and unsure of where to go from here..
Monday, February 06, 2012
just because ... i like this
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Saturday, February 04, 2012
grossness...disclaimer...yes im screwed up
eating this evening turned into a binge..sorta kinda...
please excuse me while i go and throw up
im feeling sick and full and gross and am going to barf in a bit..not that its anyones business really..but just needed to get it out..acknowledge that its happening and realize that well it could be avoided but for whatever reason i dont want to ...i want to hurt.. i dont know. i think my fear is getting the best of me tonight..
ugh
please excuse me while i go and throw up
im feeling sick and full and gross and am going to barf in a bit..not that its anyones business really..but just needed to get it out..acknowledge that its happening and realize that well it could be avoided but for whatever reason i dont want to ...i want to hurt.. i dont know. i think my fear is getting the best of me tonight..
ugh
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