Secrets

My whole life is made up of secrets..keeping them..protecting them?!hiding them...when do I bet to stop keeping them.Anita is slowly learning my secrets..and she will hate me too.I'm trying to push people away..I don't know what I want..right now I'm sorry I exist and I'm wishing mommy had gone through with what she threatened all those years ago...why couldn't she have just killed me then..and it wouldn't have mattered..

down

I'm feeling so down..My thoughts are getting darker..what's the point of fighting...the planning and plotting an  thinking are going on...what do I want to do..it's a choice..  i now.. I just keep making bad choices..And these choices will kill me...eventually...I'm just tired and feeling alone because I'm having a hard time pitting things into words..I can't ask for help when I don't know what's going on..I can't ask for comfort from Sarah when I don't even know why I want it...And not being included is makin  me sad..Well sadder...I know she would..but If  I'm not invited and not wanted then I'm not going to show up.but it doesn't help my any thing..to be pushed aside for reasons I don't fully understand..but it's ok..I'm not bothered. I'm fine..it's a part of life. I am reminded again that regardless of it all I will never fight in..

Aimless...

I'm just feeling so aimless right now ..I'm not sure what I want to do and the energy and drive isn't there to do anything with either..I'm sick of laying in bed..but I'm stuck in my head..which aggravates the already aggravated symptoms of my head and leaves me with to much time to think and plan and remember and wonder and question and feel useless.. And I just wonder what I am doing. What am I supposed to be doing and I'm afraid to truly revisit that question from Anita about working and doing a job..and me and my views or plans or whatever you want to call it..I don't know what to call it..I can keep a job can't I ?? Have I become so messed up that I cant? Do I expect things to be given to me?? I don't know what to think..maybe it truly is better I get out of mental health and see how I do away from the field..just a regular job..no taking another peoples problems ..but at the same time. I don't trust my ability to do anything else...I can't be normal..I don't know how...I feel stupid.

Something is brewing in the corners .maybe that isn't the right choice of words... something is driving this current back and forth anger and sadness and I'm getting those questions I have no answers to. Why couldn't I protect us? Where was everyone at and why was no one there? Someone is looking for answers that I just don't have..I feel guilty for not being able to answer.. I feel guilty that the questions even have to be asked. I think I'll go back to laying in the dark.

Overthinking

Something is bothering me..I'm not sure  what it is though.. My mood goes up and down and I'm suddenly feeling more down and lonely and I'm not sure why..I'm feeling mean and spiteful and I just want to be left alone..suddenly the need to run and hide is strong...to just go away .. I don't understand. Yesterday was OK right? I held off the thoughts but I guess today there was no holding them off and so they returned...they are back where they are comfortable .. Causing me to doubt and question and fear everything...

Happy Birthday

I made it through my birthday. I am 32 and I am alive. I worked hard to have a good day yesterday and overall it was good. Some down moments and struggles but lots of good moments too and I even got to spend the whole day with Sarah on Sunday. So overall a good birthday.

What is the next move?

I'm not sure what to think right now..or even what to do...I know I'm being irrational and impulsive.. I know I'm thinking to much and to fast..planning stupid things...I know better than to plot things when I'm feeling this way..because right now I'm ready to quit everything and disappear..just walk away...or die..like I said..not thinking clearly...I've been trying to write this forever but I'm distracted as all heck... So much has happened in the last few days and my brain is hurting from thinking so much...

I'm trying so,hard to,find the bone crushing depression over losing my job...I really am..but it's not there..I,am fighting myself over the idea of losing my job..over the idea that I am supposed to work...that I am not supposed to be fired..that is what I am fighting...the job its self though..No..I cried yesterday because  it hurts being fired ..but no,I,am glad  to be gone..I'm glad to not have that stress..that,fear and worry..I didn't like it there...but I felt like I had no other option because  of my background issues..like I had  to stay..because they were the only place that would hire me.. that was my mistake..I stayed..And suffered for no good reason...so now that option  is gone completely and I am happy on one happy and stressed to the max on the other. I mean I don't have a job. What am I going to do. How am I going to manage. I'll be able to get buy until Nov if im incredibly careful and do nothing extra..and count every cent...I was going to stop the meds but I won't do that. I'm still going to get something small for my birthday and pay the bills . I'll be able to pay rent  for Oct. And I'll need to have a job by Nov pretty much..that is what I'm looking at. Sarah will be going to the training then in oct  an  of course I'm going but I'm stressed  about getting there an  stuff..we can't take my car so yeah..Just more money..I'm worrying about her and she is worrying about me. It's kinda funny. 

I'm down about my birthday. I mean I'm getting stuff. I'm worried about being by myself a bit...actually in general I'm just worried about myself right now..I have razors...real ones this time..And a plan...im not surprised...I know what it will  take to use them...No thinking involved...sad  right..but birthday..I'm going to try to make it as ok as I can..I feel stupid asking avante If  she is planning anything..an i   feel useless like cooking my own dinner and buying my own cake but it is what it is..it's not like I haven't done it before..it's not the end of the world.. so I'll just make it a nice day..And try not to cry and stuff.. rent some movies and order a build a bear..And fix dinner an  have cake with the kids. It will be nice. It will keep me busy. Maybe a can find a cheap portable DVD player since my tv isn't working and I really want to watch movies..And I know I'm getting the book of life.. 

I'm pretty sad that the stupid race is going to have everything blocked off around Sarah's house and I won't be able to get through..that makes me frustrated..And I feel lonely already..

Maybe I'll take a nap...I'm feeling badly  again...

Outlook ..abuse..mental illness..families

I watched a movie today called Mississippi Burning...I watched mainly because of the description.. I told the story of three kids and kind of followed there life of how they got through growing up with abuse, family issues, alcoholism, etc..it go my interest. These movies generally always get my interest. I watch them to see the outcome. I want to know if they are saved, if they are helped. I want to know if they make it out in the real world. So I watched it and it made me cry as generally these movies do. This time there was no real anger, just a lot of sadness, a lot of wondering if there is any real hope for true honest to goodness recovery and if it is even worth it.

The cycle repeats over and over within families. Generally there is the one kid who makes it out and gets away for it all. But really just how much are they getting away from. You can't run away from your past, you can't run from the memories, the fear, the harm that was done. You can try, you can pretend, you can try to hide from it, you can use other ways to escape it, but it is still there waiting. Against all odds your past can out wait your defenses, what will it take ? How can it wait? 5, 10, 15, 20,30 or more years before the flood gates open and suddenly all those little quirks of yours suddenly begin to make sense. There is a reason you don't like loud noise or check the windows or only wear a certain color or whatever it may be. It's not made up, its not that you are crazy. Everything has a reason, a cause, a beginning point ( in my opinion anyway) .

I just became disheartening watching it. Three generations of these families..one generation after the other, falling apart. No one catching the signs. No one seeing the hurt or the problems. One alcoholic parent raises an alcoholic child, one abused child abuses other children, and then accuses the hurt child ( who has at this point grown up) for not warning another child. There was no help or understanding given as children and so they grow up repeating what they know..the adults continuing the same behaviors..each kid slowing giving up and staying in the same cycle..and the one child that is trying to get out, they are trying to pull her back in. Telling her she can't make it out there. She does leave in the end, but it takes a lot of issues to get her to that point you know..and even then I wonder if she will make it. I wonder what she is carrying with her from her past. What demons will creep into her dreams. What demands will be placed on her while she is gone that will drive her back home to the place she is trying so hard to escape from.

Maybe I should have watched the movie in a better head space, who knows. The outcome may have been the same. I just wonder what the point is. Yes I made it out in some ways but I am still locked in my family. My mom still has a firm grip on me when it comes to certain things. The triggers can still send me onto unstable ground faster than I can blink and I am left wondering what the point truly is. What life am I fighting for when I can barely stay out of survival mode. I am self destructive to myself but would never harm anyone else. I see my therapist and take the meds when I can afford them and still can't stay stable. The outlook is bleak. The birthday is Monday and I may be extra depressing because of of that but really..what am I missing? A million messages everyday to be happy to find happiness to stay in recovery, to have hope, so on and so forth..and then I read something or watch something and reality hits and its like recovery really sucks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.. It's snot and tears and wanting to die and talking about painful stuff and still having to interact with the world without burning shit down or cursing someone for just breathing next to you.. No one wants to hear that though. They want to hear how you are happy and recovered and being a productive member of society...I hate to break it to you but most days I'm not productive..most days I lay in bed and try not to kill myself honestly. That is me being a productive member of society. I can even multitask and smile and play farmville while I'm doing it. Ugh.

Maybe I'm still that kid waiting to be saved from myself and pissed off that it doesn't happen that way for adults. I'm expected to suck it up and deal with what life throws at me. Life doesn't play fair. Life throws the past and the present at the same time and trying to tell the difference between the two causes a lot problems. That is when I have conversations going and things getting mixed up. That is when I can't figure out why I'm worthless and stupid but without a reason. The demons currently have an unfair advantage... They are winning the fight.

You deserve to die
I hate you so very much
Just go away and leave everyone alone

waiting and tears

I am overwhelmed...I already feel like a failure and the feeling just increases...each day it has continue  to increase and as it increases the feeling of giving up..being done nightlife and everything come with it..I feel tired..drained...sick of trying..My birthday aggravates these thoughts..How dare I celebrate a day that is not mine to celebrate.. an age I was never supposed to reach..another year with out my sister and I am supposed to be happy? For what reason exactly? Looking back at this year makes me feel worthless in so many ways...so much has happened...so much to deal with..so much to accept and live with and jobs..moving..money..stress..health stuff..so much going wrong..so much stress and fear..it over shadows the good moments..I can't truly say my entire year sucked...most of it did but I did have happy times with Sarah and nia. and noa and meeting Marley ... I spend a lot of.time at Sarah's house ..Well this whole year I've prolly spent half of it at her house...I don't mean to be so negative..right now..My mind is on overdrive an  I,can't seem to get things to slow down...I'm waiting for the inevitable...I'm waiting  to see what will happen today..what turn will my life take today..Will I end up back in serious survival mode..Will i  become suicidal...Will I go back  to the serious cutting just to stay calm enough to get through each day and not freak out..I'm trying to plan..but I can't..what will I need to do..How can I survive...How will I survive..How much money will I need to  make it..How long will it take to find another job...what in the hell  I going to do...No I don't even want the job..I see the advertisements all over for places hiring...Will I be able to find a job that I'll be able to manage? And like? Maybe it is time for me to get out of the mental health field while I'm working on my own stuff ..I'm reacting to much...I'm getting to angry..I want to be left alone...I don't like this job and I certainly don't want to be there when they go under...right now I have no clear answers...And the unknown is staring at me and I hate it...I really do...I can't plan the unknown and I need to plan...I need to know.what will happen...And not knowing drives me crazy...No meds gives me no balance point...I have no ending point..I go and go an  there is nothing to stop me from breaking..I'm tired..I want to sleep..I can't get the head ache to stop..My head  hurts  so much..when did I eat last? Last.night? When I got off work? Goldfish? Am I hungry? No time for food. Better to just sleep until. The meeting...the dog stuff is stressful..go don't go..go..those ppl make me want to scream.I don't like them..have to play nice. Don't kick them. Don't yell or curse. Be nice. Hate them for what they are doing. They are inconsiderate and rude and stupid and a waste of space..so have to go there in oct..more. unknowns
 More worry. More stressors..more everything..mommy wants me to go to Ohio for her birthday. Money I don't have and a trip I don't want..I. feel.sick..I feel stupid forgotten..worthless..I am reminded that the cutting I did on Sunday was nothing..that I can do better if I want to sleep and feel better...so convincing...so believable...I shouldn't listen..I don't think I should listen..I don't know..I need something...something that will keep me distracted..something that will keep me slightly out of focus...anything..something..anything..I don't know...sleep..cry quietly so no one hears...




No one likes you anyway..it's best if I remind you of that now..you have nothing. You have no one. Quit being a baby and grow up.

past

So much for that lockdown...My brain is crying in pain..I,can't outwardly cry...so so..My eyes cry backwards...I wonder if it's possible for my body fill up with tears? Would I drown in my own tears?  My mind is on fast forward...And rewind..I'm thinking and trying not to thinking.I'm tryin  to remember and not remember...which pretty much means I'm tryin  to piece together things that don't completely make sense and end up feeling worse because  it doesn't make sense...  talked to Anita today,about happened with fat daddy..you know I don't remember his actual name...he was just,fat,daddy...And I'm also beginning to really think I don't have the best relationships with my cousins..some of them anyway...but anyway..he is younger than nee..,,went to there house once a month to get my hair done...it took forever....went for years..about we were caught..I guess she asked mommy to stop bringing me...I,thinkin  I just eventually started doing my own hair..I,wasn't comfortable there..  felt like I,was  being talked about..picked on..I didn't stand up for myself so they,said what,they wanted..I heard them..or thought I,hear  them and took it in...And believed that I had done something so awful..so wrong..I,knew I,was in trouble ..a lot of it.

It started off simple...I,had been dropped off to get my hair down..And.  was in the den area under the dryer..bored..watching tv...probably reading ...fat,daddy ma  have been playing down there but it was jus  the two,of us in the room at the time some how...I don't think i was paying much attention to him..I mean he was younger than me..but some how he ended up next to me on the couch or maybe stand in  in front of me...but his hand was in my shirt...  was surprised..scared.but more than anything I was scared of being caught..I think we both listened for his mom..My mom wasn't there she always dropped me and nia off..she never stayed...this went on for an hour or so i guess..he would come back and forth..touching me..when he heard his mom he would stop and move away...I didn't ask him to stop..I don't know why...the second time it happened  .I guess I expected it for what it was..it happened  back and forth the entire time I,was there but also included more.than just touching my chest..he moved to trying to kiss me and touching me between my legs...again I didn't touch him...the third and last time it happened his mom actually left the house...as soon as she left he came to me and the same stuff happened...  didn't know an older cousin was in the house..she caught us..she came yelling and cursing and grabbed him off of me..she said something to me but I don't know what..I thin  all I thought was that mommy was going to kill me..his mother  came home..an she of course was told what had been going on..she didn't ask me anything...he got a beating and she didn't speak to me at all...she called mommy and spent a long time on the phone..mommy came and didn't speak to me either..when we left and mommy got me in the car she started to hit me but stopped..she didn't hit me again for almost three days maybe..during that time..she threatened me.. she promised what,she would do to me for what I do done..told me I,was  awful disgusting,that,she couldn't stand to be around me..all,day over and over..until I was afraid of being in the house..I was afraid to be near her..at first I tried to defend myself..to say I hadn't started it..but I didn't know how to explain it wasn't  me..And who would believe the younger kid was behind it..all of them blamed me..And so I blamed me..I didn't stop it..I didn't say it was happened...they,wouldn't have believed me I  the beginning and they,certainly didn't believe me afterwards..why go through it twice...I was older...so I should have known better...it was the same with the other cousin....we were really close I age but I graduated first..so I'm older..I should have  made her stop and I didn't..I contravene remember...but I,didn't stop her...I knew to follow who ever gave out the rules...follow whoever was strongest...even if it meant being hurt..And I knew to keep it quiet because telling made it worse...that's what I learned growing up where all my needs were met and I was provided for.

Lockdown

Need to lock it all down.. my head..my thoughts...the urges.. i can feel them wanting to take over and that can't happen...not now...so it needs to all locked down..nothing in..nothing out ..I need it to be quiet.. I need to be able to be calm and OK and practical and reliable...I can't deal with my stuff and all that Sarah needs from me at the same time... so back burner for now...its OK. I'll be OK. Silence is my friend..right now I need to keep both Sarah and eddy safe...and fight the urges to cut... some how...Sarah tells me I'm reaching out and really fidgetty in my sleep...I don't know what's going on with my head right now...I need to ignore myself...focus on the outside....

When will i stop forgetting

Actually right now im feeling betrayal from all corners.. The thing at home that I wasn't included in..but talking to Nia today let me know how big it was and how many people can..but I was here. Guilty and ignored..the work issues popping up..and not being sure how to handle them...wilderwood lying to me is a betrayal but I'm going because I promised Sarah I would  ... I don't know if its just the month or so much going on ..so much stress and worrying about so many different thins..now car issues...and paying back Nia and rob has to start. Tramaine has been messaging me again .. Mommy is doing her usual.. Not out right asking for money but I know she needs some to thanks to Wayne being a dang jackass..my ability to curse is increasing at an alarming rate...I'm becoming depressed..more depressed than usual..more tearful...more unable to cope..and I don't know what I'm doing. . I forget what I'm doing..I try and fail so easily..I feel stupid and guilty so often lately...like I'm not doing enough..I'm not trying enough.  My thoughts are sinking.. The fact that it's September just makes me want to hide even more...September does not mean happy...there is no happy in this month and I keep forgetting that. Bad bad bad me

Betrayal

Not sure how to handle this...I work at a group home for adults..one of the residents self harms actively... She figured out I have self harmed..she asked about visible scars and I didn't deny it. A few times she has used this against me with the people in charge...but seee. The guy who owns the company knew before he hired me..because he asked when he interviewed me. But that is none of her business. So I explained that as needed to the program director when she asked me about it. No I didn't lose me job..now I'm being told this dang resident is telling other staff that I used to be a cutter..and that makes me really upset and hurt...its not her place to say any damn thing about me to anyone and she keeps doing it..I don't know what to do about it. And I'm so pissed off.any way I look at handling it leads to me getting fired...but this is just wrong. I don't know why she is doing this..I have worked off and on at this place for a year..why now? Why tell now?? Because I don't fall for her bs any more? I don't know... I can't seem to let this go...I can't help thinking that all the staff now think I'm awful and just like her..or now wonder why I know so much..or why I even work there... I feel like I'm being talked about..and I've done nothing...I don't feel anyone will come to me and ask...and so it will just be gossiping.. And I really hate that. I can't handle that or those thoughts

I am angry. Wilderwood did not tell the truth about this trip..of meeting half way and I'm just angry about things right now... And overwhelmed... And scared..

Im sinking

Something is really off..and has been off for a few days...it would come and go but now I think it is sticking around..I have literally spent all day in my room..not doing anything..not really talking to anyone.. Not really eating..just laying down..just being here because I have no where else that I want to go..tears and sadness are close today and I am over whelmed and stressed..scared..thinking about now and the past and the future..I'm worried about Sarah and trying not to show it..I've been isolating and not feeling good..work..home..the hospital..talking to Sarah on the phone more than going to the hospital.. Hiding at home..self medicating..low energy..no interest.. Some suicidal thoughts no ideations. No plans..just little thoughts creeping through..I'm trying to keep the bulk of how I'm feeling and thinking to myself...I want to be left alone..my head hurts a lot right now..I'm trying to figure so much stuff out..I'm feeling left out..mommy told me about this party thing happening at home this weekend..I'm not invited..Nia and Henry and everyone will be going home .!but my actions fro. So long ago makes me an outcast..dark family secrets..I'm never truly invited to things.. But it hurts all the same..and the guilt and blame just becomes even more set in stone..it was my fault it happened and everyone who knows about it obviously agrees... So I stay away..I'm not welcome at these things..and I guess that is what is the driving force behind all of this..since writing that has caused me to start crying..and the need to be alone and hide and blame myself has increased..maybe I'll just go back to laying down in the dark and staring at nothing...this is one of those unknown nights?..I need to stay put..because getting allows me access to different things..I don't know. My thinking is off right now.