gee

im back to being incredibly tired all the time again..at first i thought i was just using sleep as an escape and for some of it i was..but right this minute im ready to go to bed and its only juts 7..im feeling completely out of energy and all i want is to lay down and sleep..i went to bed this morning around 1:30 ish and woke up around 7...driving is tiring and prolly just made it worse but i dont know..just tired and drained.. a little sad


if there was one thing you could change about yourself what would it be?? after thinking about it for forever i finally decided i would want to change my lack of confidence..i even picked that one over stopping the wanting to die stuff..but i can handle that..the lack of confidence gets in the way of stuff..if im scared i can talk myself out of doing something i really want to do..i dont believe in myself for anything and always having to get/needing/wanting approval from other people just isnt going to work all the time..i cant expect someone to tell me ive done a good job just to make myself feel better about what i can do...it bothers me and has more so since this summer when i had ppl telling me a lot that i was doing a good job when i was always thinking i sucked ..should i believe me or them? i half believed them and i gave myself hell for it..still do..still half believe my teachers because total trust and belief in what they tell me is not something i want to do right now..i still worry they are lying to me or will hurt me..and that is so stupid because they are my teachers..why would they want anything from me except to do well> they already know about the s/i and still talk to me..what more can i expect? its not fair that i cant trust them and i cant trust me..so thats what i pick to change if i could..and after that of course i would so sell my soul to be skinny but i dont feel like thinking about that right now..

yvonne wasnt here when i got back and i cant say i expected her to be here but she said she would and i got back and dusti is crying up a storm because her dishes are empty..ugh its a good thing i came back today instead of tomorrow morning ..because if i had babysat for longer i would have just come back tomorrow morning and dusti would have been alone for another day..thats why i want to keep her with me and not leave her with anyone else...only i seem to be able to remember to take care of her and its not fair to dusti that i leave her with someone else and no one wants her but me..and maybe im just picking things to complain about for the heck of it..but i dont think that counts as complaining..not really

feeling compeltely selfish lately..ive been so caught up in keeping myself alive that ive forgotten about everyone else..i should catch up on emails and all that sstuff..i was thinking aboutthat too while i was driving...i think about a lot of stuff while i drive and im started to drive in a really detached mode i guess..like im watching whats in front of me but without really noticing it because im off thinking about something else..but its not really like that either..i cant explain it..and just leaving it at being detached doesnt seem right ..i dont know..completely lost interest in everything i was just doing..