one year clean

I am writing this and i am not sure how i really feel about it.  It is a huge step since i had never been able to make it past 3 or 4 months..before I would give in to the urges, to need an escape or a way to hide from the emotions that I did not want to feel.  I realized this earlier today..what the date was..and I cried.  It was as if I was saying goodbye to an old friend all over again.  Love and hate all at once. I have bared my scars for the past couple days, without fear, without hiding.  The scars will not fade anymore.  They are there to stay, to show that I am still alive.  Maybe I cant see the achievement in this yet, but one day I will.  It was not easy, it was a struggle, a daily struggle to be safe, to be calm. to think and not just react.  Through everything that has happened in the past year..I did not try to solve it with a razor. i have cried, screamed, cried some more, thought, overthought..did i mention crying?  It has been different..it has been hard..and scary not being able to go and use the immediate calming technigue that had worked for years..to not revert back to old habits..to understand that it is ok to be sad or hurt or angry or well anything..its ok to feel..and now I know that it is okay to say that I am not okay.  It is still hard admitting it at times, but my cicle of support is growing and filling in.
I guess the main thing I am trying to keep understanding, is that no matter how upset, sad, scared, angry, or hurt I became, that cutting did not make it better.  I was hurting myself and had convinced myself otherwise.  The truth is though, that I was hurting myself, on purpose, I deserved it, I needed it..I wanted it..
Now I understand that I can live without.  That there are other ways to express how I am feeling.  I am still learning to use my words..but I am no longer in the same place that I was a year ago. I will never go back to that place. Yes it lasted for a lot of years, but that is now the past.  There is no need to revisit that past anymore.
-jaded

i am

I am loved
I am important
I am not alone
I am wanted


That is enough for me
Now I have to remember it

morbid thoughts

this week has me feeling pretty down...ok majorly down and depressed and worried and scared and all sorts of things..im tired and worn out..and every day it feels like such a chore walking into my house when i come home...

this really has been a week from hell..arguments with mommy about money...arguments about going home for christmas, going home for christmas and being separated from sarah...i dont like sleeping alone anymore...i want to be near her but my mom has other plans and is determined to have sarah in the other mom and both of us cant sleep in there cas the bed is not big enough...im planning on making this trip as short as possible..it was lovely being told that my christmas gift will be gas money to go home with...i feel so loved and important :(  im glad i at least was able to get sarahs gift..i cant really afford gifts for anyone ... well i plan on getting noa something..but i feel stupid going home with nothing..knowing that i cant afford to do anything for anyone right now...and im being forced into once again...

so many worries going on right now..and i dont know what to do about any of them..will i even have a freaking place to live come next week??? im tired of all of this..the worry..the stress..the fears...and trying to manage and failing miserably...im tired of crying..and fighting and struggling ...i really am...this week..im juts all out of positive ... im not happy..im to nervous and scared to be happy...and its beginning to present in my body...im tired and sore and worn out..im trying so hard and still things are all messed up and and hard...

brother was in an accident tuesday night...a bad one...one of the passengers in the other car died...im scared for him...im worried for him..and i am practically hundreds of miles away and cant do a damn thing to help at all ..no the accident wasnt his fault...but at the same time .how do you deal with knowing someone has died?  a 19yr old...it is sad...very depressing ..and makes me feel guilty that i am glad my brother is still alive...what does that say about me..how horrible i am ... how useless i am ..

god i wish i had someone to cover for me with work today because im afraid that i cant handle it..right now im sitting and writing and crying as if the world is ending ..and maybe for me it is...when is it ok to throw in the towel and say im done?? im tired..i dont want to do this anymore..?  and it took till now to realize that the suicidal feelings/thoughts have woken up...geez im really stupid for missing this...really very stupid on my part..

feeling like a failure

right now i am majorly feeling like a failure...like i have messed up and kept messing up and now things are juts all screwed up...losing my job was the worst thing that could have happened...everything has fallen from there..and yes im working now but the effects of not losing for like a month is far reaching...i owe everyone..my bills are behind..im struggling to just keep my head above water..and im sinking..sinking hard and fast right now...im not making enough to catch up and live where im at..and pay bills and pay car stuff..and my mom told me that im not giving her enough money back from what she loaned me..and i still need to pay for gas and food and all of that...after trying to pay on other stuff...and so today..after ive been seriously worrying and stressing about money and what can be paid and all of that..my mom calls and i tell her what she can take out of my acount and she tells me that she had been expecting more...she asked if that was all i could spare...im sorry i dont have more..im sorry there is one thing that i HAVE to pay to avoid things getting worse dealing with my job and my old job and all of that..so that money has to be taken out of the equation..and im making less than i had been making ..and so yeah im stressed out..worried..scared..waiting to be evicted from my apartment..wondering if i will be spending christmas packing and trying to figure out where ill be staying..if the other apartment isnt ready..and i told her that if i couldnt afford to come home for christmas then i cant do it..i wont be guilted into it..i wont ask to borrow money...if i cant come then oh well...but it was after talking to her that i guess it all hit me..and i started crying..while sitting in the car..waiting  for a client..it took a while to get myself under control..well about 40 mins to get myself under control..and i was able to finish work and all of that..and just came home...and still have been crying off and on all afternoon...just trying to figure things out..trying to figure out what im going to do..trying to not think about the future that im completely unsure about right now..im tired..im depressed..im scared...and no i dont have the slightest idea of what to do...crap i may end up in a hotel for a little while..who knows..i just dont know...and i want to be able to spend time with sarah..and have privacy..and just not be so scared about everything (and insert more tears) ... ive been talking to her since i got home..and trying hard to be honest and tell her that i am scared and everything...it is hard admitting ...it is hard to juts ccry and cry and not fight the tears...no cutting..no dying...just crying and trying to be ok with the fact that i am upset and overwhelmed to the point of crying ..for lack of anything else to do..anything safe..i want to sleep but cant seem to fall asleep..so ive just been online and listening to the tv...

i just dont know where things are going right now..and im scared and feeling hopeless and like a failure...thats all

changes..love..and fear

to say things are changing would be putting things very very nicely...i feel as if everything has been uprooted and its all looking for new space..a new setting..something that will feel comfortable again...my head, my body, my thoughts, my heart, my soul...all looking for something and afraid that accepting it will cause everything to fall apart...trusting myself..is still a very fragile thing..i trust  sarah..who is my girlfriend..so ill prolly write a lot about her and things..just a warning lol. 

maybe i should start a little more at the beginning...sarah messaged me first..on good ole okcupid...a site i joined on a dare..and didnt really think much of it...i joined and kinda of left it at that..but sarah messaged me in aug..and i guess i had been on the site for a couple months or so..but we started emailing ..and i found she was easy to talk to..which for me is a majorly big deal..silence has been my best friend for so long that well being able to talk so freely with someone was overwhelming. i wanted to talk to her..and tell her things..

and then we actually met...and  i found out that i liked her company, i liked her mean cat even, i think i just liked her in general...like we could be friends type like...fast forward a couple months..and things changed a bit..i was spending more time with her and missing her when she wasnt around..i was there for her when she was struggling with things..and she was there for me...and somehow gradually..it became more than just a friend like...but i didnt understand what i was feeling...i was afraid ... very afraid..i didnt know what to do or think..or how to even really express to anyone how i was feeling..and again it was sarah who listened to me ramble on and on about the past and how things were..and different things that happened and being afraid and not understanding..and not once did she tell me to stop or to grow up or anything like that..she talked me through it..told me to talk to my therapist (yeah if you read any part of my blog its kinda easy to figure out that i am in therapy)....but from the beginning i had let her know that i was dealing with past issues..in therapy..on meds..the whole shebang...i felt guilty not telling because i know i can get attached and attach strongly and quickly..and tend to become a burden for ppl because my boundaries are so underdeveloped...and well i wanted her to know what she was getting into in a way...and still we hung out..i had told her that i was comfortable just with being friends at the time..that anything more scared me..and she was able to comfort me and calm my fears..

right before thanksgiving..we had a couple of indepth chats...about different things..and the end results of those was that i was in a relationship..i have a girlfriend..me..the person who was positive that i would be alone for forever..and i have someone who i miss on a daily basis..who i worry about if i dont hear from her during the day..who i talk to about everything..good and bad...and i think it was when i realized that i missed her when i wasnt aroudn her that let me know somewhere in my head that something was different...this was not the same as me hanging out with yvonne and talking...no it was completely different..and took me to a place where i had no idea what i was doing or feeling or what i wanted...i was afraid..i am afraid..

i talked to one of my docs a little bit about and she asked me if it made me happy for someone to tell me that i was beautiful...and as much as i wanted to deny it ...i couldnt...it did make me happy..it made me feel wanted, needed..important...i still am very confused though..and still plan to talk about the whole relationship issues/fear that i seem to be having in therapy..but for now sarah gets to listen to all of my random questions..no matter how embarrassing ..she listens..

so skip ahead about a week and thanksgiving hit..and i went downhill pretty quickly emotionally...i didnt keep the fact that i was struggling from her..and she told me more than once that she would be there..and that things would be ok...we went to my home for thanksgiving..a place that still fills me with fear and terror...but i went and sarah went with me...and its just interesting how things turn out...how suddenly i am ok with being near her and allowing her in my space without fear...that i can help her with what she needs and she helps me..we talked a lot while at home..and i was able to tell her a lot of what i was afraid of..ask her for comfort..well soemtimes ask...still having to work on that one...and i think we got closer..both physically and emotionally..some things happened and had to be talked through...but it was all ok..i was able to ask her to kiss me..it may have taken a lot of time and effort on my part to juts get the words out ...but in the end i did..and i have asked a lot for that...

we spent wed - sat at my moms house..and came back home yesterday..and the lonliness set in quickly...yes we talk multiple times a day..but its not the same..i miss her presence..i miss her holding my hand .. i miss her kissing me and comfoting me when im scared..and being at my own apartment just magnifys the lonliness...i know right now it is not viable to be with her all day every day ..but that is what i want..i want to be with her..and be able to tell her i love her and want her and need her in my life.. even today ..less than 24 hours since i saw her and the fears came back..and i talked to her about them and was able to calm down...

im still struggling to understand the changes in my body...how my thoughts are suddenly full of embarrassing things...that i want so much and am afraid to ask for it..that i dont want to have to keep myself under control..but im afraid of losing control or giving it up...and then i end up confused and sad because i cant figure out the words...i keep thinking about being able to see her on tuesday..and what i want is by far not the innocent, harmless thoughts of someone who has never been in a relationship...im aware of what is involved in a relationship...and even though it embarrasses me to no end ..what i think about makes my mind wander into so many different things...im afraid though that my fear will keep getting the best of me...that i will be afraid and shy...and not ask for what i want..whatever that may be...

you know out of everything that has happened in the past few months with sarah and the relationship growning and changing and becoming more...it is simply the fact that i willingly showed her my arm..at some point im sure i will show her the rest ..but my upper arms are destroyed from cutting..the scars will not fade...they are as faded as they are getting...but i showed her ...and she kissed them..no yelling, no fear, no disgust, nothing like that at all..she held my hand and kissed my scars..and something inside of me settled down just a little bit...this is different..this is personal..this is not me talking to my therapist or my med doctor...i didnt have to explain..i didnt have to defend them...they just are ..the scars..its like everything about me that i have learned to hate and destroy and hurt..she accepts ...she accepts me as i am..she has told me so more than once..and i am having to learn to stay in the moment..to not let the past or the future have so much control anymore...the one thing that i have wanted for so so long..and denied that i wanted it for just as long..is right in front of me..and she is waiting for me to come to whatever terms it is that i need to come too..and i dont want to mess that up...i dont want to lose it...i hate how much the past has affected and is still affecting me..i hate how controlling the fear can be..how overwhelming..how much i have to fight to actually voice what i am thinking or feeling..but i am trying...a year ago i would never had accepted anything more than friendship..and now i am in a relationship and am able to allow someone else into my physical space...i know it takes time and all of that to get past the old stuff...i dont want the old stuff to mess up what i am able to have now..it all gets a bit mixed up at times ..in my head...but i think sarah and love are slowly beginning to win more of the disagreements...yeah im still afraid...this is all new to me..and even though i feel completely stupid for not knowing any of this..how to deal with any of this..or how to even put a name to what i am feeling...its happening all the same..

i have to keep reminding myself..that im not going to be hurt..that its ok...i have to remind myself when the fear becomes overwhelming..or the loneliness comes.. but im not alone anymore...not completely..because where i end..sarah begins..and i think that is th.e way it is supposed to be

still afraid ....

as i sit here..7 in the morning...doing nothing at all but thinking..i am still filled with fear..i feel stuck..and at a complete standstill because i dont know what to do..im afraid of going home..even now...im 30 years old and going home...the thought of going home still reduces me to an almost childlike mind frame...im afraid and anxious and scared..and i feel like crying because im feeling all these things and i dont want to feel them..i have to much to do..but the fear stops me ..and i end up thinking ... overthinking..the tension is back ..not even the medicine helps this one..and i know that..and i know ill need to be careful with the stupid medicine..im not looking for an escape ..i have to remember that..i have to remember to stay present..to not get sucked into playing mind games with her...but i cant relax...over and over i think about anything that might get me in trouble..anything that might cause an argument..did i pack the right things..how do i look..how am i acting...do i sound happy enough..i juts want to lay down and not have to think about it...not have to deal with it..but still the tears come ...the fear..the wanting so much for things to work out..and going home and coming back more broken than when i left...im trying to remind myself that i will have sarah there..and noa..and nia..but still i feel so unprepared..im not ready..i need more time ..crap..maybe i shouldnt have written this morning...at least im allowing the tears this time..i wont cut..even though i want to..i wont hurt myself ..but the skipping meds and not eating is doing the same thing..its just the scars arent visible..i want to be happy..i really do..i want to be thankful and grateful and all of that..and instead i sit here crying because im afraid ..it makes me sad that i still have so many ways to hurt myself without doing it directly...i get scared and the old thoughts come back.and i try to not listen to them..but its over and over..all i hear in my head is how worthless i am..how stupid..that im not good enough..i go through all the times i remember being at home..how many arguments..how many times i managed to get in trouble ..how many times did i get hit or yelled at or ignored..why do i even want to go home..im driving myself crazy with this...i dont need any help being mean to myself..i think ive got that one covered...i am my own worst enemy..i wish i could say that i wasnt feeling suicidal...i wish i didnt want to hurt myself juts to get out of my head for a little bit..and with glaring reality i realize that i dont see alice this week..i talked to kathy yesterday and that helped a little bit ..but yesterday is not today..and yesterday i was crying like i had lost my mind..i dont know what i want or need...everything is just mixed up right now...and i have less than 24 hours to pull it together and get myself under control...the negative thoughts take over and i dont remember why it is that ive worked so hard to not hurt myself..to not cut.. or burn because that is more easily hidden...its been a long time since ive considered the burning...yeah..im not really feeling very capable of anything today..

needing to write for right now ...

im upset..and i know i have a right to  feel how i feel..but im tired and angry and just so pissed off with what is going on...and it makes my head hurt...im trying to stick to the agreement that was made but im not making enough to stick to it..again my fault for thinking i would be able to make more than i thought i was making...and now like everything else i have fallen behind and of course miss i dont care about you and your issues comes along and yells at me on the phone..and im trying to be calm and collected and not react..i am...but i have no one to blame but myself and now there is no record of what i have paid and ill be damned if im paying it again....oh forget it...im tired..this is making my brain hurt...im sad...and im just hurt and stupid ...until this gets behind me..i feel like im juts spending all this time watching my back...-sigh- forget it.

i am afraid...

i realized tonight that thanksgiving, going home, and taking a friend home with me ..is causing a lot of anxiety..im scared that she will end up liking my family more than me..and then want nothing to do with me..or that my mom will treat me like she always treats me and someone else will see it..and my friend will hate me and believe what my mom is saying..and ill be left alone..in general going home is really hard..but realizing that its coming and soon and with all the other stress going on..and i am freaking out..im wanting back the old habits..i want to sleep and hide and go away...i dont want anyone to know that i am going downhill..i dont want to mess up...

im wanting to hide ..and have quiet..and not deal with anything..

the depression is hitting hard..and i have to hide it...always have to hide it..

yesterday

even as i write this i can ffeel anxiety in my shoulders..i can feel the stiffness the pain ..i cant seem to relax and i dont know why..ok maybe the conversation that i had with my friend the other night has be a bit anxious...money and lack there of has me very anxious...moving..the cats..just -sigh- so much going on ... and im trying to ignore it all..and i cant ...i just cant because ignoring it makes it worse..and i end up completely stressed out ...i dont like this..im trying ..ok maybe not as hard as i could be..but im trying arent i?? im working..living...trying to get by...trying to catch up..just freakin trying ... and im just struggling with it all..so very much..

not even writing this is helping right now..so signing off until later on

what do i want..

i want to be with someone who tells me im beautiful
someone that im not scared to be around
someone i feel safe with
someone who wont hurt me
someone who cares about me
loves me
knows me
and still wants to be around me

You can't go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down.

i dont know what i have to offer anyone ... i dont feel that i deserve to be loved..have love..shoot most of the time i struggle with just being friends with a person..forget about love for a sec..im afraid though...that is so vulnerable ... loving someone else...and i want to question it..i want to understand it..it makes me cry because i dont understand..because i am 30 years old and i still dont understand .. why would anyone like me? what have i done to show them i am worth being liked? loved? tolerated? 

but i do want to be loved. i want to be happy..i just want..

maybe i have it wrong though...i keep thinking that i dont deserve love..that i cant have it..that i need to run from it...but i have already been told that she wants more..that she has feelings for me..and no amount of doubt and confusion on my end is changing her mind...maybe the question should be am i willing to accept love...am i willing to put myself out there for someone else and to have whatever it is that we have...

she said she will wait for me...to feel comfortable..that she wont push..but my panic and fear are overriding everything right now...and im afraid to identify what has me so scared...

fear of being different

you know..i wrote that sentence and realize that it is so pointless and so significant all at the same time...its pointless because i am different..because i have been judged by many, including myself..i have been labled and hurt and scorned and forced into things..i have been picked on and bullied to the point of wanting to die..wanting to run away and hide... 

tonight i am talking with a friend and the conversation has turned serious and my thoughts are hitting the usual blocks that i have built up..and the fear comes in...im scared but of what ? like terrified that someone likes me more than a friend..and i cant wrap my head around it...i dont understand it...growing up i didnt have much in the way of feeling like i was liked unless i had something someone else wanted..but she likes me and ive done nothing to make her think im worth anything..i havent done anything that ..i havent done anything to make her think i am anyone special..but she said she liked me..and i knew it was more than juts a hey im your my friend..

but i truly can not wrap my head around it..we talked about it a little bit tonight..and she said that she would wait for me..wait for me to be comfortable with the idea of 'more' ..

i know what i want but i am afraid to make mysself that vulnerable ...i dont want to put myself on the line like that...trusting someone with my feelings completely...trusting that i will not be hurt..that i will be loved and happy...but i am afraid to believe that i can have that..afraid that i dont deserve it..that it will be taken from me...

no no no

i really am having a hard time putting into words what it is that is bothering me so much right now....im tired..and wanting to sleep during the day..so i know there is something i am trying to avoid..im sleeping for hours at night..and this is the day time i just want to sleep to be sleep mood i think..and so yes something is up...

but what is it??
stress about moving
stress about being approved for the apartment
paying my rent or letting it go at my current apartment
two possibly sick cats
owing everyone under the sun money
travels and holiday sh!t
worrying about traveling and holidays
trying to keep myself together with the holidays and my own sui feelings that come up
work
paperwork
my mom being all nice and accomadating to someone else..and i feel like im going crazy...
the debt i owe someone
not being able to afford to do a damn thing right now

take your pick...it could be any of those..it could be all ... there is to much to think about...to much to deal with and yes..i want to go to sleep and hide and pretend...

there is so much in my head and im so upset right now because of stuff relating to my mom more than anything else..like yes i have a friend..and for the love of god we are only friends..but she invited her to thanksgiving..and im not stupid..i know why she invited her..and i know her underlying reason for why she invited her..but those i can even let go of...its the simple fact that she is being so nice and accomadating and all of that for my friend..and its like what happened to acting like you cared when i was a kid or when i needed help???where was all of that care and conceern then ??? but now its like ok lets put on a good impression for a friend so that she will have a good time and feel welcomed and all of that..and i feel like a liar..llike my feelings and pain and issues arent valid at all because my mom is now so caring and helpful and nice ..and its like all those years ago..did i make that stuff up??? did i threaten to kill myself and hold the knife to my throat??? no that wasnt me..that was fucking mommy..but no one else seems to remember than...no one at all..and im left out by myself for being ungrateful and selfish and unloveable and just stupid stupid me...she will end up liking my family better than me..and then ill be by myself yet again...

i guess maybe i am forgettable..completely and utterly forgettable 

just down and sad and i dont know.

overwhelmed..

thats what it is right now..juts flat out am overwhelmed to the point of driving my self crazy..im scared and anxious and worried and did i mention scared and anxious?
as much as i want to back track and start somewhere at the beginning..i think it will be easier to juts start from today and go backwards from here..
today i go to have the second appt at the apartment place where we may be moving..i dont want to go because well i hate moving..i hate packing..im no good at it..im overwhelemed with having to do it alone and figure out how to get it moved and all of that...but im getting the apartment with a friend and so i cant cancel the appt for today...we have worked so freaking hard to get to this place and now i dont want to do it because im scared..because i know how quickly and easily i get overwhelmed when i have to pack and move...but i have to go..i keep telling myself that i have to go
when inside it feels like everything is just floating around..nothing is grounded..nothing at all...ive spent most of the morning juts watching the clock...watching the time go by..knowing i need to get up..and still just laying here afraid to move...i tried juts a little bit to reach out for support but i dont know how to ask for it ..i dont know how to say that im floating around in my head ..and need something to hang on to before i juts get blown away completely...where is the logic in any of that...trying to calm down and i get..im worried about everything possible..logically and illlogically im worried...im just freaking out and trying to stay calm and because of this .silence is winning out..and the need to hide and just think and process become overwhelming..

adding on to that is the fast that my mom has been helping me financially for the past month or so...a lot..and i try not to ask ..i really do..but in the end i had to..and so yes i was able to borrow money..with the understanding that i would be paying it back...the rules on that have changed thoguh..my mom had orginally said dec..but now she says nov..and if im moving in nov ..how in the world am i supposed to be able to pay her and my sister back ? but thats not important to anyone else but me i guess...being behind on everything even with help..has me freaked out..and that is juts on going stress since like sept ... having a debt that i HAVE to pay back that has nothing at all to do with my family has me stressed because that could cause me a lot of additional trouble if i dont pay it back...and so money and finances has me almost in tears on a daily basis right now..im working yes..and have worked all month but because of the job..my checks are behind..so i wont be getting paid until nov..and i know my first check is going to be really low.. but stuff has to be paid..and so its like ok..ive lasted this long on almost nothing..whats a few more weeks...and moving expenses and stuff we need and meds and all of it ..and its all hanging over my head and i dont know what to do to make it stop or make it better and im worried and scared and really wanting to cry...ive worked all month for checks that are already being divided and used for other things...i thought i would have a little more time..but i guess not...

im all out of positive right now that things will work out..i really am...i cant think anymore ..im tired of thinking and worrying and feeling so stressed out...having a lot of trouble with getting grounded today..and i know that going and looking at the apartment and what not is causing a lot of fear and worries..my mom calling and questioning me constantly has me on edge...the faact that i still have to borrow monney from her and what i owe her keeps increasing makes me want to just sit in a corner somewhere an cry..

i feel stuck..things are loud and quiet and messed all up inside..the fear is getting to us..and all i want to do is hide away and not deal with any of it...my head hurts..i spend all day trying to figure out what to do about all of this..where to somehow find extra money or something..i have to figure it out..i juts have to ..and not being able to makes me feel so so so much worse..like i keep failing at all of it..and im trying my hardest and still things are just messed up..and things are getting better..little by little..but all i can seem to see is the stress of everything that is not working out..yet..or isnt able to be fixed yet...

im tired. :(

things are moving back into just not ok zone..

im tired
annoyed
frustrated...just ugh
i want to cry

it is not often that i call myself a suvivor...it is a word that i avoid..i dont really know why though..i dont feel like i have survivied...i feel like i have managed to get by, to stay alive, to some how slip through and keep slipping through...i dont know ...

i saw a meme today and pretty much it asked what you would say to your yougner self..using two words..and im getting so so angry that i cant think of what i would say..what i would want to hear...so much fear and hurt associated with growing up and being at home and living at home..but i cant think of a single thing to say that feels right..

and cutting it down to two words is ugh frustrating me even more..

its not that i dont have anything to say..its that i dont know how to make it short and to the point..i want to explain..i want to  understand..

what would i say to the girl i was ..the girl i dont know..the girl i dont remember?

what was it that i wanted so badly back then?  protection? love? help?  what was it...

actually two words be darned ... i would tell myself... "you are special"  & "you matter"

that is what i would want myself to know back then..that no im not invisible, im not bad or stupid or selfish or crazy...i would want to be able to believe that i am important and special and loved..and that i matter..that someone, somewhere needs me to be alive..to be here...

guessing i found my breaking point ...

i think everything has piled up to the point of juts being to much to deal with..i want to sleep and just ignore all of it..i want to lay down and forget the world exists...i was doing ok..and i do know the exact moment when i started going down hill and have been unable to pull myself up...

on friday..before i ever talked to mommy..i figured out that there was going to be an issue with the money....i waited as long as i could but in the end i had to tell her...it became my fault...i messed up..i screwed up..and so for that i guess i have to pay..which means that the money she was going to loan me..i didnt get..i got less and was told that i would have to make up the rest ...i have money for a tank of gas...nothing more..i look at my fridge and i could cry right now...actually i could just freaking cry period at how completely messed up things are right now..ive tried and tried since i lost my job at the beginning of sept...tried to keep fighting..tried to figure things out..tried to think of everything possible i could do..and still ...im messing up...im tired of fighting this..im tired of depending on my mom for everything right now..and yes my pride still gets in the way....i refuse to ask for help until its to late...until im already in some whole that i cant get out of ...i dont want to do that..i wish i could just say i need help and what i need..but fear ... shame..guilt..pride...all of it fills my head and instead of asking for help i sit quietly..going over the numbers in my head ..repeatedly thinking of something to do. anything to do that will help...how can i stretch what food i have..how can i keep the cats fed and taken care of...ive never looked at the calendar so freaking much..wishing for the days to hurry up...wishing for next month to come....

i know that for the next few months i will be scarificing heavily...because there is something that has to be paid out of my check each pay period...before i even get around to paying bills and then there is all of the money i owe mommy and nia and rob..that i have to pay back...and so even working and trying to get my hours up..are going to keep me struggling for much longer...

there is still so much to loook at ...yes im working but getting paid wont happen until nov...moving will have to happen in nov...paying bills and all of that will have to happen in nov...my car stuff..my medicine..my cats stuff...all of it has to be put off ...for more and more time..until i can catch up..until i figure out how to catch up...

add in a few more worries for a friend who is struggling and waiting for a bed at the hospital to open up so she can be admitted...im scared and worried for her...and when i was in the hospital with her the other day..it took all i had not to give in and ask to be admitted..i just wanted to be taken care of..for a little bit..except i cant do that...i can never do that..and i will struggle with that issue alone...im a freaking adult and still i cant seem to figure out the real way to self sooth...god i just want a hug..i want someone to tell me its going to be ok..and that its ok to cry...i just want to be held and allowed to break down for a little bit..just for a little while...

im frustrated and scared..and im trying so hard to keep it together..but this weekend..i seem to keep falling apart...im worrying and crying and hiding and fighting ..but for what ?? what is the point..because i dont know anymore...i really dont ...

taji is sick and there is nothing i can do for her until i get paid..im afraid my cats are going to die before i will be able to afford to take them to the vet...

my medical stuff is all out of wack .. my sugar is running to high..i cant afford the healthy food..and right now im eating more junk food than i should..but im cooking when i can..but im still skipping meals too...i have a new meter to keep track..im checking..i am..but even that is becoming to much to deal with..and i dont want to do it..i dont want to know what is wrong anymore..i dont want anything else to be wrong...

just hiding and avoiding the past couple days..i dont have the energy to fight anyone...no energy to yell or defend myself against mommy..there really isnt any point in that at all...i want to take my meds and juts stay in a safe emptiness where i cant be touched..where i cant be hurt...im just tired...

changes are making me feel out of place....

things are changing...yes i am fully aware of that..i am stable most days...trying to replace the negative with positive..working to keep hang on the negative thoughts..to remember that i am ok and will be ok and that the hard times will pass...

and at the same time..i find myself annoyed with some of the places i visit online..just that it seems im not on the same level as them anymore..im not constantly in crisis..im not feeling suicidial..im not actively cutting or hurting myself...yes i still have some things to work on yes..but sometimes..i just dont know..

im beginning to once again feel like im not fitting in..that im just hovering somewhere between managing and being okay..will the good days outweigh the not so good ones...

im taking my meds..im seeing my doc..im trying to deal with my life and do what i need to do..and i trying to let go of everything else...i want things to be different...i want to be happy and find happiness..and i am afraid..but i want it so so badly..im trying to understand that it is possible for me to be happy..with myself..and with my life...i want it to be happy..safe...protected...

now i wonder about the future more than i wonder about the past..the fear and hurt and pain is there but it gets a little bit smaller each day...im talking about it...honestly.. for me..i dont think i need to hash out everything in the past...deal with it and let it go...and that  i think is something i have been doing without therapy in all honesty...

but i am afraid of being better..im afraid of losing the support..im afraid that i will e left to care for myself with no support at all ...

i dont know

Things are definitely changing.

things are changing...im hoping for the better. i really am...

i started my new job this week..found a possible apartment place that accepts 3 cats and is incredibly affordable! got my car stuff handled, and will be making money again soon. well in a month.  but you get the idea.

i saw my therapist yesterday and had an interesting conversation with her. about how i am doing ..progressing, gaining more confidence..and it was embarrassing..but for once..i did not fight her on it. i did not argue with her or go against what she was saying.  i actually almost completely accepted it. after the holidays we will be talking about whether or not i will be continuing therapy...and i think that all things considered..i may stop therapy for a while..see how it goes...i want to hit my one year mark with my current therapist..well my one year mark for no s/i...i just gotta make it to january 1st...and if things go the way im wanting them to go...everything will start looking up by that time next year also...ill be able to save and have a roommate who i actually like and get to keep both taji and bounce!  i am worried about the apartment stuff a little bit...but also excited too...im trying not to worry and juts wait and see how things will play out..but well the worry is there all the same..i mean i want a new start..a fresh start..a place that will allow me to have peace of mind..and be able to have fun and not worry..that is what i want..well i want taji and bounce too ..and even emerson.who is sarahs cat..i think there will be a fit to see which cat sleeps the most...bounce or emerson...and then comes the little stuff like making sure the cats see the vet before moving..as i want them groomed completely..im trying to figure out what i want to do with my furniture..or lack there of lol...i dont think i really want much out of my apartment..furniture wise...but i say that and its like ..umm where am i going to get a bed from then?!?!  im getting ahead of myself majorly.. -breathe- ok first gotta get the apartment...and well that may not be as straightforward as i want it to be..i dont mind them running my credit..shoot ill tell the guy i have sucky credit..but i dont want my job to be the thing that makes us not get approved...thinking that makes me feel really sad..because i want this so much and im not sure if my information will help or hinder things...i really dont want this to mess up..i know there are ways around having my credit run and all of that..but i have to talk to sarah about it and see how she feels..i think if we put both of the applications in..and let them run them and then say whether or not mine passed through would be a starting place...if mine doesnt..then maybe sarah can allow on her own for the apartment and i can just do the notary thing that says im helping her finacially to make up the rest of the money..and of course the bills would still be split of course..but yeah..gotta start somewhere...and i need to find my birth certificate.. we will need a couch lol..a table..chairs ..suddenly my lack of furniture is glaring its ugly head ..blah..of course im worried about furniture at a time like this!

but yes so many things are changing..it is slightly scary..i almost cried today when i realized i was able to pay my rent...really almost cried..

ive been good this week and am taking my meds like im supposed too...trying not to take the night one to early..but i am sleepy and want to go to sleep..but if i go to sleep now ill be awake at midnight..and that wont be helpful at all .

guess that means i will have to keep myself busy this evening...fun times

no si

i went to the store today...and after last night the intent to cut was strong.well it was strong last night...this morning i wasnt really thinking about it...im trying not to give in...im trying to figure this all out.the needs and wants and all of it..and yes i wanted to hurt last night..i truly did...but i went to the store today. and picked up razors for shaving but not just plain blades for cutting..i didnt even realize until tonight that i didnt even look for them in the store...yes i am feeling down still...lonely..bored..tired..on edge..worried..scared...so many things.....everything is weighing heavily on me right now...and im not sure how to get the overwhelming emotions out...i dont know...but im close to almost 10 months without the s.i...major si...recently i find myself picking at my fingers...i may have purged a couple times in the past ten months..and well taking meds incorrectly happens like two or three times a month...but i am trying...im still trying

depression is creeping in ...

right now im trying to remember if i actually did take my medicine this morning ..and im pretty sure that i did..even if i did spend most of the day asleep and well not dealing with anything in life..i think i wanted to sleep..i did forget that the trazodone knocks me out for a good long while..but yeah i also knew taking as much as i did..that it would effect me the next day..but oh well..i wanted to sleep and i did...

the events of the past few weeks are wearing on me..mind and body..i am tired..i want to give up..i want to give in...tonight i ran across a picture of self injury scars and out of nowhere the desire to hurt came up fast and strong...i missed it..i want the pain..the escape...i just want something to make my heart stop hurting..something to make me forget just how hopeless and lonesome things are feeling right now...and i would..i really would but going home this upcoming week is the only thing really stopping me..and that is not a firm no i am not going to do it kind of stopping..no it is simply i dont want to be questioned or condemned...yes i could hide it..but where i want to cut will be unhideable..at least from mommy...and im just not up for a conversation about that right now...so im writing instead..and listening to music...i want to work on collages ..im actually feeling the need to get my books out again and actually work on something..the thoughts are feelings are filling my head..and the outlook is bleak..i want a distraction.i want something..anything to take my mind off of how hopeless i am feeling..and trying to deal with it alone and stay safe when im almost ready to admit myself to the hospital..again a couple things stop me...and im forced to stay somewhat safe and deal with myself..and i dont want to..i just want to sit down and cry and scream at how messed up things are...it makes me tired ... and each day i get a little more tired...a little more isolated..a little more shut down...and i get lost in the thoughts of wanting to end it all. of knowing that i could is the scary thing.  knowing that this is a place i dont want to be in weighs heavily on my mind.  i dont want to deal with people.  i dont want to be around anyone or talk to anyone.  i want to turn my phone off an ignore everything.  how long would it take for someone to even notice that i have compeltely shut myself off from everything and everyone?  that i am hiding in my apartment, just falling apart and pretending to keep it together for the sake of everyone else who does talk to me...im supposed to be strong..brave...able to deal with this little set back and move on..but i feel so alone..i want to explain so bad about what happened and why and i cant...just another secret to keep to myself...and to again work to prove that i am not the scum of the earth right now...i realized my mistake..i have owned up to my mistake...and still i am judged and exiled all at the same time.

so i have gone quiet...everything is to much to deal with..i can barely handle my daily tasks of getting out of bed and taking a shower..putting on clean clothes..all of it is to hard right now...and i am spending a lot of time just looking at the walls of my bedroom or sleeping to ignore the hurt and sadness that i am currently experiencing...

i dont know what to do..i dont know how to manage myself or my thoughts right now....silence is all i have..

im am just tired

and by tired i mean i am frustrated and overwhelmed and just feeling sad...mornings are hard right now...my lack of funds is hard right nowand im to ashamed to even tell mommy the true amount of what i need...it wouldnt make an differencee..i know she doesnt have it..and what she does have to give me i cant even get to because my account is already overdrawn...things are just ..things are juts overwhelming right now...

update on life...

it has been a while since i have written..not for lack of trying..but just feeling so overwhelmed and upset that writing and being able to get anything out was so much harder...but today i guess i am feeling more like writing...im feeling calmer ..more settled today...i have focus again..i have things beginning to come together...nothing is set in stone yet but things are at least moving forward and not backwards again...but i guess i should start at the beginning.

which i guess was like 3 weeks ago...the week i left to see my sister..things kinda bagan to fall apart..and it started with a work issue..things at my sisters was fine really..i enjoyed being there and being able to see Noa and play with her..and besides being a little sick and annoying ..it was a good visit..i hope i am able to go back and see them again for a couple days..but i will see how that goes..

but while i was away a work issue came up..well it came to the notice of my supervisors..and then pretty much all hell broke lose...and looking back i can see the boundary issues quite clearly...i messed up..and in telling the truth about the situation..i lost my job..which turned into a huge huge downward spiral for me..it was like one thing after another...but in all honesty as much as it hurts that i dont have a job..i didnt have a job..i began looking immediately for another one...and well i have found another job...hopefully will be starting in the next week or so..if not..then i will just have to deal with it like i am ..like i have been... i am so grateful for the people who have stuck by me and listened to me crying and feeling hopeless and defeated and stupid for what happened...my whole life changed in an instant..and now i am being careful..im learning from what happened..and trying to move past it...yes i was in the wrong and i can, will and have accepted that..and so i will do what i can to rectify the situation as i move on from it.

I really have been plagued with worry the past few weeks..juts about everything..jobs, money, bills, medicine, suicide, cutting, purged just once..in the past three or so weeks...and ive been picking at my fingers again...and sometimes i juts dont want to get out of bed..i dont want to deal with the world or anyone in it..im so tired..tired of trying and fighting and being pushed back and making mistakes and struggling...maybe that it is..im juts tired of struggling to deal with it all..and i want to give up...but i cant give up..and so i am using all my dang coping skills and trying hard to remember that the not so good feelings will pass..and they do pass..but it takes a while..and i spend a lot of time alone and crying or thinking about dying or how to destroy myself...im relearning just how creative i can be..but thinking about it and acting on it is not the same thing. i dont want to die..i dont. i have come to far. and that is a very very hard thing to admit..and writing this makes me want to cry to because sometimes not wanting to die gets mixed up in my head and everything hurts and i have such a bleak outlook that dying or hurting myself seems more and more like a good idea...but ive made it 9 months without cutting...i am working so so hard to not go backwards on that one...the purging ill deal with..because it comes and goes..but yeah..no where near where i was a year ago..and that was when things were freaking working out i guess.  interesting how things change ..

in the midst of all of this..i met a friend..and i say friend because that is what it is now..she is my friend..someone i have come to trust and rely on and she makes me laugh. and i just like hanging out with her...she is different from anyone else i have ever met. she actually started the conversation between the two of us...and it has grown very quickly...we see each other 2 or so times a week and just hang out..or go out ..watch movies .. and eat sugar and play with either my cats or her cat.  her being in a wheelchair does not change anything at all .. and i think i knew that from the beginning..but i know that being out with her makes me feel protective in a way..like i dont want her to get hurt because ppl can be so senseless and stupid at times...but she is strong too..she does a lot for herself and she has a super awesome gigantic unicorn in her apartment lol..yeah it is the little things in life..she was/is supportive when i was struggling and afraid and scared..oh and we do talk online or text like everyday..i dont think there has been a day that i havent talked to her..since being in town and everything..but for now we are both in agreement that the friend stage is good .. it is not scary to me..im not afraid when i am with her..

which brings me to the next set up plans that have come up.  with me not having a job my income is like at zero right now. and so i know in all honesty that i will most likely be evicted from my apartment at the end of oct...and yes i did spend a couple days completely flipping out about that..and just wanting to give up...it took me a little while to figure out that yes i might be evicted..but i have a month give or take before that happens..and i dont have to sit around and do nothing...i have talked to my sister..and i even talked to mommy today about it..and she didnt freaking yell at me! but listened..when i told her my plan...i talked to my friend about it to and we are going to look for a place together..the two of us and 3 cats ..yep that will be interesting to say the least..but maybe i am a little tired of living alone..and having someone i am comfortable living with would make it easier..and of course allow for saving money and all of that good stuff..so we are both looking for places now..calling around..because of course it has to be affordable and handicap accessible...so we will see how it goes..but it will work out...thats what she tells me and that is what i tell her. we are in this together we have decided. and so it is going a day at a time.

mommy told me today that she would help me with getting my car stuff taken care of..which means a trip home..my birthday was yesterday and well my license is now expired and so i have to get it renewed and all of that good stuff...the bargain..because yes this is still my mom.is that i stay for a couple days or something..not like i have plans or anything...but i refuse to tell her that i have lost my job...its not her business and i am sticking to that..i let her know that this upcoming month is going to be bad money wise.. and i need to find a way to get money and well get money kinda fast...ive exhausted every loan option i have..i dont know what to do expect sell some stuff..and well gotta let go of the pride piece..i need to stop my account from being overdrawn and that means well doing everything i can to get some cash ... legal stuff of course...and because i dont want to owe anyone else money that i cant pay back...but i still have bills you know..so gotta do what i need to do..which i keep telling myself .

i am back to weekly therapy..im being good and taking my meds..im talking and asking for support..

even with everything going on..i was able to have an awesome birthday. and I will forever be grateful to Terry, Travis, Sarah, Adri and Alice for giving me so so much that allowed me to have fun and have a good birthday.  My sister and her husband gave me an early birthday party..and yesterday i did my one selfish activity that the T Alice told me to do..i celebrated my birthday by myself and that was ok..i did what i wanted to do.  and i had a peaceful weekend.

i turned 30 yesterday...an age i never ever thought i would see..but i have made it..i am alive..i an beginning to live..i still need that time to myself to kinda just think and be away from people..but i am branching out..i am going out and doing stuff...

so this is where i will be starting at this week...getting the rest of the needed info for my new job turned in..planning on when to start work and when i will be eligible to start work..looking into apartments..taking care of myself..and well continuing to take it a day at a time...i cant go any farther than that right now...and i have to be okay with that...

whatever liar said the truth will set you free is the biggest asshole in the world.  the truth hasnt ever done anything but cause me trouble..and now i am in trouble...big enough trouble that it is ruining my day..my week..my month...my next few months...will be ruled by this mistake that i have made and let happen...yes it is my fault completely..yes i have to take responsibilty and deal with the consequences of paying the money back...thankfully its not some massive amount ..but i mean 2500 is a lot of money..and money that i dont freaking have...

but as much as i want this to mess me up and have me feeling depressed and suicidal and all sorts of things..i wont ..finding and keeping my job is important....and if it is the last thing i do..i will fight for my job...and do what i need to do..

and so right now that means getting up and getting out of bed and finishing what i planned to do today..so that i can start getting back to work...aas quickly as i can..that is what is important...

angry

right now i think i am angry about a lot of different things..but mostly right now i am angry about this post i saw on fb...there was a story in the news a few days ago about an 8yr old who had died after being married to 40 yr old man..who proceeded to have ssex with her...the end result..the 8yr old ends up in the hospital and later dies from internal injuries..i am angry..im horrified..hurt..and scared because this happens every single day..and marriage is not a part of it..age is not a part of it..race..heritiage..where you live..flying fuck..no of that freaking matters...being a child these days makes no sense to me...when i was a child..things made no sense to me..i was told to obey..i was told to listen...when i did obey and listen and not refuse..i was hurt...and then i just made it okay..i made it my fault..i made it all about me..i was wrong..i should have known better..i ..me..i ..me..never ever them...never...i was not forced into marriage as a child ..no...but the culture in 3d world countries use that practice still...children are sold like cattle..hurt and forced and left to a life that is not fair and becomes all they know..

i happened to run across a post on fb relating to the article..and i understand free speech.i understand that people are able to say what they want to say..and it doesnt really matter who gets angry in the process...but how in the hell do you describe how to have sex the correct way with a child??? how do you say you have done it? that you enjoy it? that you are experienced?  not once was blame placed on the 40 yr old man...but the child is dead..and that will be the fucking end of it...who will remember her??? who will tell her story??

this world is majorly fucked up..

i think i may take my meds early and just go to bed....im very triggered ..and not in control right now....

mushy mood

this is a mood that i am not used to at all..wanting to be aroudn someone ... not a parent figure type deal.but someone my age..someone who i am comfortable with..someone who just lets me ramble on about everything and nothing..i think about her when im not around her..and i enjoy talking to her during the day..so far we are sorta averaging seeing each other and hanging out a couple times a week..to kinda keep things going slow and steady..and without becoming overwhelming...she listens to me when i am struggling..which is a lot lately..and i want to be there for her..i try not to overstep boundaries and not do everything for her..but i watch..and notice when she does need help with something..

sidenote..the elevators in that building stink!!!!!!!!!!! ok random note over

i miss her and i just saw her..how is that possible ?  she makes me smile..and i am calm around her..

again this is something that is so far out of my comfort zone i dont know what to do with it..but the feelings/emotions are there..and im trying hard not to fight them..and push them away..

trying hard to not over react...

but i am over reacting..my anxiety and worrys are going overboard ..majorly..and im scared...so so so scared and worried..and afraid of what in the world i am going to do with myself and my stuff..will i be able to find another job ? will i have to move?  will i be able to keep my cats ? all going through my head..over and over and over ...and i dont know what in the heck to do...im applying for jobs..i am..but even  that is overwhelming..and i am going downhill fast...i dont want to be bothered..i just want to lay in bed and not have to deal with anything or anyone at all...yes i talked to a few people..but im the one that is looking at everything changing ..and changing fast...if i dont find a job by the end of the month..i am screwed...and im scared...and fighting hard to stay safe...but every day im wearing down just a little bit...i want the empty oblivion that the cutting will give me..i dont care..i want to hurt..i want to die..i want to scream and disappear and just..i dont know...i give up..

suicide awareness week/month...first draft

suicide...a subject i know intimately...and also a subject that is so taboo I am ashamed to ever admit that i have even considered the thought of killing myself.  I have thought about it, planned it, prepared for it.  I thought I wanted a way out of my life, I wanted a way to stop the pain.  There were times I had given up, I was hopeless, and felt that the world would be a better place without me. I hurt all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally and I just could not understand why no one saw me the way I saw myself.  I told myself I was worthless, nothing, a waste of space.  I did everything I could to hurt myself, to quiet the thoughts, because I had believed that if I managed to hurt myself then I was finding the balance. I was making it okay and still managing to refrain from acting on the thoughts of killing myself.

I had a plan, I have had multiple plans, overdose, cutting, car accident.  I refused to act on them only because I had to be positive it would work.  I did not want to wake up in the hospital from a failed attempt.  I had a time frame, at first I didnt plan to make it out of high school, and when I did I was actually upset with myself.  I didnt plan to finish college, but I did that too.  Then I focused on which birthday I wanted to end it by. Would I make it to 24, 25, 30, 35? No amount of therapy, medication, talking to anyone was going to change my mind.  I had a plan, and I knew that with enough time I would be able to make it work.  i would die and that would be the end. I wanted the pain, the fear, and the hurting to stop and I did not know of any other way to allow that to happen.

I will be turning 30 in 2 weeks.  I am still alive. I am in therapy, I take my medication, I actually am talking to my therapist and learning to ask for help and comfort when I am struggling.  It is not easy at all, it has not been easy to deal with the thoughts for so long that I do not remember when they started.  They happen less now, the thoughts come and go, but I am no longer sitting on the edge of my life and wondering what it will take for me to go through with it.  Sometimes I felt like a failure because all I wanted to do was die, and I couldn't do it.  It has taken a lot of therapy to understand that wanting to die, and wanting the pain to stop are two very different things. I am learning that feeling bad, depressed, hopeless, none of it lasts forever.  They come and go with how my life is going and that thinking before acting impulsivly has saved my life more times than I can probably count.

I am not sure what message it is that I want to get across with writing this.  I am afraid that by sharing, I will be judged and labeled very quickly.  I am supposed to be normal and happy, not depressed and suicidal. I work, I live my life, I am finding things that make me happy, and help control the thoughts. Wanting to end my life is no longer the overwhelming thought anymore. I had to learn my triggers and do my best to avoid or work through them. I have not followed through on my plans to die, and as my birthday approaches, I realize that maybe being alive is much more meaningful.  By keeping myself alive, I can help others and let them know they are not alone.

breathe

for the love of all things good...BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

im nervous..like super duper jump out of my skin nervous..and ugh i dont know what to do with myself...im trying hard not to take any meds cas they will put me to sleep..but my head is going a mile a minute and i am worried and scared and nervous..and i dont know..wondering if my apartment is ok..if there is something i forgot to do..did i get enough snacks if needed..and having a 3rd person here too is hard...but will manage..i think the waiting is making it a little bit worse..but if i could juts calm down...

i dont even know what to wear!!

comfortable..dressy...we are going to be sitting in my house..and i dont really want to get all dressed up..but in my nervousness i want to look presentable...ugh..this is so hard..i dont know what im doing .. i really dont ..and now i just want to cry for being so .for not knowing how to do this...

so maybe im not mad at alice..

but to write this down ... med change at the pharmacy again...ugh...hopefully i dont react badly to it again..i would rather not go back to how things were just a couple months ago...no thank you...

but ive been thinking...sorta about therapy on tuesday..what i remember of it anyway..abd of course alice is right ..but i get mad at her for being right..for telling me that it is my choice in stuff..i dont want it to be my choice..i want her to tell me what to do...and then i would hate her for telling me...my meds have been a little bit messed up the past few days and i can tell i am feeling more down than i have been..and ive been getting a lot of headaches ..in the afternoon/evening...like today...

im getting off track..

freakin a.ive now forgotten what it is that i was going to write about ...i dont remember...

i know this weekend is going to be a little busy..like im actually going to have real company..like real my age company..along with my 4 yr old ..but that is ok...i have to like clean my apartment majorly..

its so different having someone my age to talk to..and not being completely afraid and on edge...today was different though cas her aide was there..and that does make me more nervous..just cas its someone i dont know..but well...will have to get used to that...

oh im gonna sstart making to do lists for the day...an the week..i think having the structure will help me actually get things done..and maybe stop me from laying in bed so much...we will see..i want to go and get a new notebook from barnes and nobles but that will be expensive...i may hit up the back to school aisles tomorrow and ssee if i can find a good notebook..that wont fall apart!  and i van use it to keep up with my therapy stuff..cas i forget what i tell her...essh...

but head is hurting majorly right now...so going to lay down for a bit..

im sleepy

crashed majorly last night...but i dont think i slept well... i dont know...

but im tired..very very tired..essh

im mad at alice....i think

sometimes i think alice wants to get a rise out of me ....

i think im mad at her

but i cant even figure out what it is that i am mad about..

once again the question is given to me...what do i want?  what am i willing to work for?

already the nervousness and fear about the holidays is creeping in..and i know this..and i know i have to be more vigilent..more careful...stay away from things that i know are a trigger...but i cant escape the next few months...between now and new years...i want to hold it together..i really do..but im afraid ill fall apart...and then i wont need mommy to tell me im useless...ill know im freaking useless..

i feel stupid ....

tonight for whatever reason the negative thoughts are eating away at me...about everything..about nothing..about what in the crap i am doing ..and if i am juts once again setting myself up to be hurt in the long run...

i so badly want to experience life..to have love and comfort and support..to be able to be myself without being afraid .. to feel safe

but i dont know what i want either...and that makes me feel stupid and upset and like im ready to cry...becuase i feel like it should be so simple..you find someone you like..you get to know them..things evolve as they will..but i am making it hard..and im starting to analyze...starting to reject myself again..because im crazy and stupid and selfish..and mommy told me that no one would ever love me...she told me that i am to selfish for love...what if she is right ?  what if im destined to be alone for the rest of my life...maybe i just need to get used to the idea..and stop trying to have things be different..

silence is my friend
love is the enemy

fear is a strange strange thing...

you know how when you have done something and gotten caught..that you over react...that you are loud and angry and crying and whatever..to cover up what you have done....

the interesting thing...is that nope ..it is the other person who is angry and demanding and accusing...not me...i am calm and well ok im anxious..but im not going to start pointing fingers...

i am not a child and i will not act like one..just to satisfy the need for this other person to feel superior or whatever...

so i will deal with today..and the little meeting that is going to be happening....

and the outcome ... well the outcome may cause a lot of different things to happen...i cant do anything but wait and see...

i am afraid though...and tired...and worried...very very worried....but i will see this through to the end...i have too....my freaking job could be at stake..ugh...

sad ..but not sad either...

after spending a week and a half with my sister and one month old niece..i do believe i am craving quietness...but at the same time im lonely without them...suddenly my apartment is way to quiet...and im not sure what to do with myself..i miss them..but im glad to be homee...i missed taji and bounce..and im glad to have my space back and everything...


the time away was good...relaxing a bit..busy too...wont talk about my eating while gone..essh...yeah wont get into that at all !!  i mean it could have been worse..

and i think im nervous about tomorrow...blah...im not sure if i will be going to therapy tomorrow or not...like i have a work issue that is causing me a lot of stress right now..and im trying to figure out what to do...i want to be able to be calm and collected and im worrying a lot so im gonna stop for now...
anxiety is winning out tonight..

just sad...and invisible

feeling sad and invisible today....

wanting to hide but will be forcing myseslf to go out...

one little thought...one little doubt...

it is interesting how one simple little thought can bring on an avalanche of other thoughts..a downwatd spiral as alice like to say...but what has triggered these thoughts??? what happened that i am suddenly not so okay and feeling incredibly sad and vulnerable..and thinking negative things..??

what happened ?? i was happy..i was feeling happy and calmer and had gotten hugs..i left dinner with heather in a good place...on the drive home..i started to think..to analyze our conversation..and slowly...ever so slowly how i was feeling changed.suddenly im no longer feeling so happy..and im sad...im thinking about sad things...i want to feel safe and protected and those are feelings that i only get sometimes..around some people and certainly not with myself..but with heather and kathy and alice and courtney and jessica...for little bits of time i am able to feel safe..and cared for..and then i leave them and its like a hole opens back up inside me..and the yearning for safety and comfort because overwhelming...i cant seperate out the reality  from the fiction..and that is where i am currently stuck...wanting her and not able to have her makes me upset...angry almost..hating that she was able to give comfort for a short period of time and then she is gone.and i am alone again..sometimes i dont think i do so well alone...not as well as i allow people to think...i am so starved for physical comfort that juts getting a little bit amps up the desire for more..instead of leaving me in a more peaceful place..while im with the person..i am at peace..but once that safety is gone..i crash and crash hard..and suddenly the lonely is worse..the aloneness is worse..everything feels bigger and overwhelming and tiring...and i just want...i just want more..these are the times that i notice just how badly it is that i want a parent..i want to be loved..taken care of ..kept safe..and i dont have it...i dont get it...not enough..not often enough at all... :(

how do you present?

for me physically looking put together means a lot...it hides a lot..and i dont stand out..clean clothes..neat..nice ... nothing that stands out...nothing that can seperate me from everyone else...

but talking with someone tonight...

and i realizze that it is another method of hiding...of working to not be noticed...

looking at me ..no you cant see the scars or the sadness...you cant hear the negative thinking, or the wanting and believing that it is ok to hurt myself or kill myself..you cant hear the hate..or feel how badly the urges can become..

no..i am just another girl, a woman, a sister, a friend..im no one special..and there is nothing remarkable about me at all...

but i have mental illnesses, i work, i pay bills, i live, i hide, i avoid, i laugh, i smile,  i engage, there are so many different aspects to me...but they are all hidden inside of me..behind the mask i wear that can not be taken off...to be vulnerable is to get hurt..to love means to be hurt..

i dont want to be hurt anymore..im tired of being hurt..but i dont know who i am either...i dont know how not to hide behind the mask..how not to pretend...how to be okay when i am falling apart at the seams..its all pretend..a game..a trick..i hide behind the mask..i hide in the silence..and i hide in the avoidance of eye contact...i dont know how else to protecct myself and so i hide..and pretend...and like my blog says..

i pass for normal...every single day..im passing for normal..while im breaking down..hurt, sad, confused, angry, happy, sad, tearful, disappointed...

there are so many parts of me...but so few know this...so few know how to see...maybe there is no real me left..im just a made up part of myself...the broken pieces that were put back together the wrong way..there are missing pieces, broken pieces, crushed pieces..no..i no longer fit together at all..but together is how i pretend...together is how i get by...

i guess i learned that growing up...if you dont as if anything is wrong...then nothing is wrong..and you are passed over again and again and again..until you begin to believe that nothing is wrong too..and you carry the blame for everything..but as long as no one can see...as long as no one knows what questions to ask in order to break through the walls..there is only what you present...and what you present says a lot about you...because in the end...how you present is all anyone will remember...

low key sorta day

today has been a super low key day...good just quiet...as we did need some alone time..but t went well today..and am finding i am able to talk to her more and more without freaking out and having to have her stop me and get me to breathe and calm down..but yes..its a good and quiet day.

nothing

i just dont fit in ... not crazy enough..not sane enough...not anything at all ...

really needing to do a head dump....

there is so much on my mind right now..and i am struggling i think to manage and figure out what it going on..im tired ...so so tired..but also worked up and frustrated and wanting to go to sleep...i think im just i dont know..on overload and not able to have time to decompress correctly or whatever..because there has been a work issue going on all day long..and im doing what i can to help..but in the end..the ultimate decision is not mine to make..and im concerned because again..there is physical harm, fear, etc, and then the constant talking on the phone and what not ..would she go back a third time?  really go back again ?  im trying to be supportive and helpful and doing what i can inorder to help and be helpful and i feel like im just failing at it..

i called a client this evening to confirm the time she has for an appointment tomorrow..and seeing her in the afternoon...since that was a major concern for her last week..she gets pissed off at me and tells me all this crap..and so i did my own planning and finding things out...i called both of her doctors and left them messages asking to confirm the appointment times and what not..im done with this person..i am ..and maybe it is showing..i dont know... im just tied and getting depressed and ugh

Another year gone..

To my dear sister Nicole.

Another year as passed and I have taken down the candle I had for you.  Tomorrow is the day to officially say goodbye but i want to say it now...i want to get my thoughts out but i dont know what to say.  i love you. i miss you. i hope you are happy in heaven.  You are always my sister, here and there. I will not forget you.

trying to accept and be ok with the fact that i need a day to regroup and chill out and not feel guilty about it...yep

what happened yesterday ???

i think everything kinda caught up with me yesterday...i can home and crashed completely...without taking meds even...i was sleep before 5pm...and then woke up confused thinking it was morning at aroudn 7/8 and thinking i was so tired and going back to sleep.....and yeah...later realized it was night time still and not morning...now its morning and im trying to wake up and figure out what it is that i need to do today..and instead im like omg i just slept for almost 12 hours or something..wth ??? nothing was waking me up...good grief....missed the entire day yesterday....crud

Welcoming my niece

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Tonight I welcome my niece Noa Mckena Jackson into the world. 

I was not present for the birth, but I was called as soon as the baby was born and sent pictures. 

I will forever believe that it was Nicole who watched over the baby, and helped her safely come into the world. 

I am doubly thankful for both Nicole and Noa ... I love them both completely and forever. 

Nicole Legree Hunt (1983 - 1986)

Nicole Legree Hunt (1983 - 1986) - Find A Grave Memorial


I created a memorial for my sister.  Linked above.

Today and For always you are remembered.

July 30 - Aug 4th 
will forever be your time to shine 
and i will forever believe that you watched out for baby Noa today. 
Thank you and I love you forever 

am i still hiding?

What is it that makes me want to hide the real me from my real facebook page..these are the people i know, family, friends, coworkers...and yet i still feel the need to only put up happy stuff..to be careful what i post so i dont offend anyone..i know its my page and i can do what i like with it..but the fear is there and it is all so real...all i want to do is write that im having a hard time..struggling ..and im afraid...i am worried about what people will think of me..what will people say about me...maybe it is the invalidation that worries me...having someone tell me that i need to smile or that i have so much to be happy for or whatever...but no one else is living my life..no one else knows what i am going through or dealing with..and right now..the sadness continues to win...the sadness overwhelms me...and my thoughts drive me to take medication and just pass out...ignore the world and everything in it...im tired ...

just keep holding on a little longer...and things will get better...and be less stressful...

just a litttle bit longer.

dont give up

taking responsility...

so i need to take responsibility for a few things...my job performance is slacking majorly...and
i need to take responsibility for that...i like my job..i want to keep my job..and that means doing what is needed inorder to keep my job...and that means doing my work...the paperwork part of it...all of it....no more turning in things late...no more being a pain and avoiding the office...

this is because of my not wanting to do it..being tired, not feeling well..oh i have all the excuses..i do...but that is all they are..excuses...and excuses are not going to keep me from getting fired when it comes down to the wire...and i would rather keep my job.  and right now i am most likely hanging on to it by a thread...

i need to take responsibility for my apartment being so messy....again things that i just am not doing...wasting all of my time laying down, sleeping, being online...anything and everything to avoid cleaning..to avoid doing anything remotely productive....

i need to take responsibility for not showing up for work when i say i will

i need to take responisbilty for just not caring lately...for a lot of reasons i havent cared..and it is going to stop...it is going to be different...i cant stay behind with my work...i cant live and be on my own without a job..and so these are the things that i need to do...for myself...i need to get things done..and no one else..

i cant keep making excuses for myself...i cant keep pretending that i am doing things i know good and well that i am not doing...

and i need to take responsibility for not taking care of taji and bounce like i should....yes i feed them and pet them and love them..but there are little things...i dont play with taji much anymore...i dont tickle bounces stomach ..

especially now ..when things are so up in the air with my sister...and so i am planning to go to see her at the end of aug..to visit ... to get away from life here..to have a change...and ill take the half a pay check to do it....i want to go...and since i know i cant stop and drop everything and drive up there...i have to plan it..i have to make it work...

yes i have to take care of me..and well with that comes being honest about things...and i havent been doing that...i have been hiding..sleeping..avoiding...pretending...all the things im so good at...but no...

time to get a grip..and stop it...and i will because again...everything is a choice ...a choice that i am making..good or bad..positive or negative...its a choice...and well i want to make better choices...and i am in charge of that happening....soooo.. again..it is up to me..it is my choice....and it is in my power to turn things around...

i am not selfish ....

i am not selfish..i dont care what she says..for so long i believed her..took on everything she said to me...but not this time..she said i was selfish and i said no i wasnt...

i hate being c alled selfish..i go out of my way to be nice and helpful and caring to others..even when im not feeling well or feeling sad and not wanting to be around anyone ..im very careful to give and help and care

im not selfish

screw her and what she tries to make me believe,,, i told her i wasnt selfish

poem - creative writing

*A creative writing blurb* - The prompt 'My mental illness is like'
this is mine

My mental illness is like
Being trapped in a world
That only I can see
That only I can hear
Where the shadows speak
And the darkness consumes
I can run and hide
But there is no escape
The words and actions of the past
Haunt me by day and come alive by night
I listen to them cry, and scream and ask why
I deal with the harm, the excuses, the lies
I smile because there is no choice
I smile because I want to believe
That after the pain
After the hurt, and tears and blame
That my mental illness will find its peace
And leave me safely to rest and become
A willing participant in a world of my choosing
Be it one that I live in alone or
One that I live in with others
My mental illness will be laid to rest
Without fear or corruption
It will have played its part in learning
About honesty and truth
About what is real and what is false
In a world where seeing is not always believing
My mental illness will no longer by my security blanket
I will move from under it
And embrace the life that was mine all along.

JadedLabyrinth 2013

i have calmed down....

yesterday..i managed to get completely overwhelmed very quickly.and not feeling good just made the whole thing worse you know...

but i have thought through a lot of the mess from yesterday and well have come to terms with some things..and still up in the air and worrying about other things...

firstly ..i have to get my work turned in...regardless...by tomorrow...or i will be put back on probation...something that i do not want to happen..so notes will be turned in tomorrow...

money..is well always an issue..and allowing ppl to borrow money that i dont have is going to have to stop...i cant take care of myself if im loaning out all i have and waiting for it to be paid back...no...and i refuse to feel guilty about it..i can say no..i have a right to be able to take care of myself..i try to help and want to keep ppl happy and that is where i get myself into these situations...and i end up more stuck than anything else..and i hate it..and it juts makes me more anxious and worried and scared....and ive done a lot to help this person..i have...but i dont have the money to share right now..and well if that makes you mad then i am sorry you feel that way..but again it is how you are feeling..not how i am feeling...and if me not loaning you money is gonna cause you to have an attitude and be mean and rude then yeah..its time for a change...

i am standing up for myself a little bit more..and saying no sometimes..and sometimes i am worn down by the asking and change my mind...which is something i know i will have to work on...

but i have calmed down...i am taking it a step at a time.  cas other wise i am jut gonna get all annoyed and overwhelmed again....

I am a recovering self harmer...

It is really interesting the things that get my attention or upset me.  I self harmed for more than 10 years.  I did it all, I cut, I burned, I took pills, I binged, I purged, I starved, I hated everything that I was..I hated everything that I could about myself and refused to allow anyone to tell me any different...

Today I have been 'clean' of self harm in the form of cutting, etc for just about 7 months.  I no longer make the choice to hurt myself.  I am in therapy, Im on meds, I have to be careful of triggers, and becoming overwhelmed but again I make the choice each time for whether or not I want to hurt myself.

When did my thinking change?  When did it suddenly become more okay to just deal with myself, without labeling, without judging? When did it become okay for me to talk about self harm without wanting it, without wanting that release?  Somewhere along the line, I started to think more freely in the past 2 years actually.  Suddenly it was more important to stop, than it was to continue.

Im not saying its all peaches and cream right now. Im not living on cloud nine.  I am still sad some days, still struggle with the thoughts, and the questions. The change is that, I no longer hide behind the self harm.  It was a behavior, it does not define who i am, or who i will be. 

I am actually sitting trying and trying hard to NOT apologize for something I posted to someone on facebook. Am I wrong?  Self harm is a choice you make, it is a decision, impulsive or not, there are multiple moments for which you can stop preparing to cut..put away the tools. Just walk away from it all and take a break.  No I dont think I am wrong because this comes from experience.  This is not me preaching or trying to be controlling and make someone stop. No, I understand the urges, the want, the release, and the escape it provides.  My life is just no longer ruled by those wants. I can get past them, some days faster than others but that is my choice to make.

So i will not apoligize for what i consider to be true.  I will not apologize for my experiences.

this week has drained me ....

this has been a really hard week..and i know ive been trying to deal with it and escape it at the same time..and so yeah ive been sleeping ... a lot ..took valium yesterday..only one though..

but really how much is one person expected to take in one week ?
-kitten died
-doc is leaving
-t is out of town
-pdoc is out of the office
-first job place is closing down
-completely out of money
-sister is sick and pregnant and anything could happen ...was in the hospital for most of yesterday
-my clients are pissed at me ...with good reason
-kathy is out of town

and its like ok ..everyone has deserted me all at the same time ...and this week has sucked and everyone is gone...and so yep..shut down mode extreme...went to sleep and slept and ignored a lot of stuff this week..everything is to hard right now...im frustrated and scared and worried and annoyed...im babysitting this weekend..so maybe that is a good thing..if nothing else it distracts me a bit...well not being kicked out of my own bed..but i dont mind the kids being here...im not alone at least...

i actually looked at razors in the store the other day..and i wanted them..but didnt buy them...i couldnt..i wouldnt...ugh...this week may have sucked royally but there was no need for me to make myself hurt anymore than i was already hurting..

i dont know ..just feeling pretty lost and aimless right now ...

RIP Flower 7-7-13 thru 7-9-13

Meet Flower.... she was only 3 days old but she died this morning.  I want to think that she knew she was loved and cared for in the short time span of her life.

loved her already.