i think it might be the end of the world

once again im up before 6 because of weird dreams...i guess i was done sleeping but still do i have to wake up before the sun is even starting to come out. tired and really scared about today. trying not to be and it sounds childish to say im trying to be brave and i wont skip my class or lunch but its true..i keep telling myself to breathe because im afraid ill forget, kinda stupid forgetting how to breathe..cant help it though..i get caught up in what im thinking about and if i get scared on top of all if it i will start holding my breath. concious effort to notice what im doing and stop doing it. i dont think ive ever had a panic attack but darn i can get close..i border right on the edge of having a huge one but never cross over..maybe i need to look up what really goes into having a panic attack because im thinking i know but i could be wrong..feeling so slow today..like time is moving without me as it often does anyway but i notice it today because i want it to stop..i dont want time to move anymore and if it stayed 6:04 all day i wouldnt care..time could stop for the next two weeks and i wouldnt care. thinking about what i dont want to do makes me want to cry..makes my chest hurt too..i have a huge problem with not paying attention to what im doing with just about anything..im not sure there is one thing that gets all of my attention..i would want to say it was driving but itsnot..i do pay attention and i can redirect quickest when driving but i still wander off all the same..but like now im writing and thinking about a million other things..then i forget what im trying to write and have to stop and think about it and as soon as i stop i start thinking about everything thats making today so hard...ive learned or been told since i dont think ive learned it yet that not staying present messes with how you remember stuff..like not staying in the here and now kinda screws up what your gonna remember if you arent paying attention to whats going on around you..kinda forgot i was even told it and it was only like a week ago..but anyway..im not sure you can go back and reremember what has already happened..and it really does bother me that i have such huge gaps..years are gone..and its bigger than just not knowing something..i think a lot of what we gone on is feelings of being bad or wrong or evil. the doc asks for the whys and i dont know any..cant remember anything that would make any of what i think and believe make sense..and yet i think it would kill me to have anyone change what i think...who has the memories? where are they hiding at..i dont want to know really because i just dont think anytime would be a good time but i just want to know where they are and what exactly it is my story happens to be...but because of getting so sad and suicidal and mood changes so fast..i have to know something..or maybe im just making up all of it..and just want an excuse for my behavior..but i dont give excuses ..pretend i dont know but i dont give excuses for cutting or burning or purging or spending wway to much money..saying i jut wanted it makes it seem like i dont care..lying and saying i didnt do it is just stupid and i dont know how the scars would be explained away saying i didnt do it..unless the prson just didnt see anything...even when im asked about the scars on my lower arm..i say a car accident without blinking and then feel incredibly guilty for lying about it..i dont want to lie but id rather not say of i wanted to know if it hurt to cut myself with a razor..yea that would go over well..guess im way more careful with the purging..i think id die before i let anyone catch me on that one..not counting the ppl who already know and im pretty sure on a one on one basis its less than 5...although im almost positive my teachers might think i do more than just cut but they just arent sure what it is i do.. duh my teacher asked if i cut when i wasnt even talking about myself in a journal..guess it was still my fault for saying yes in the first place..that convo could have gone so many different ways now that i look back and yet i still dont think i would have said no..gotten up and left maybe but if i had done that i dont think she would have let the issue drop at all..and god i hated her for figuring out what i never intending on sharing...hated myself more for not lying about it ....it has been an interesting time in the social work program..the whole time ive been in they have known about the s/i and im still graduating with the class i started with..

therapy today..class today..still have work to do for class that ive been putting off..lunch with both classes and teachers..trying not to freak about that sinec i do have a few issues eating with ppl im not completely comfortable with..gotta run a couple errands and actually finish the announcments i have left to mail...and already im feeling sick..like physically sick because im so nervous about today..and i already know yvonne is going home on wed..i get to be by myself again for the weekend if i dont go home..and im not going home unless i can babysit because it would be a waste of time otherwise and just make me suicidal a lot faster...so what will i do with myself when im once again alone before the biggest week of my life that i dont want to happen

cut yesterday..cut today..i dont know