thinking..really truly thinking..

today has ended up being one of those days were i have so much to process i just dont know where to begin...my head is surprisingly quiet tonight on all of this..and i am wandering lost and a lot confused as my supervvisor today me today.

the major thing is that she gave me a hug..a really long super tight and majorly safe hug..she told me that i can have a hug everytime i come into the office.  she really told me that..and that is one of those things that really messes with how old i feel..the excitment over this is childlike and full of child wonder you know..with this i am not my adult self at all..my childself has attached to the promise of hugs.the unspoken promise of support and understanding and caring..that is all the childlike part wants..love and caring and support.  she told me today that i am not alone and that she is in my corner with me.  it has been a while since i have felt cared for..in this way.  it is a feeling that i am not used to at all. but it is a nice feeling.  i think about the hug and feel calmed and quiet.  even though my supervisor talked and talked and talked to me..what i remember most..right this moment anyway is that she gave me a hug..and that she didnt tell me no or yell at me or anything..i was so afraid she would tell me no but i was so deteermined not to leave without a hug..i just have had a really bad week you know aqnd i just wanted a little support..my need for comfort is at an all time high right now..and i am just at a major loss of where to get it from.  but know at least i know i can get a hug from her and it is ok..it is safe..and not scary.  i know she isnt going to hurt me..she is not going to hurt me ..

see i had a conversation with my supervisior a couple months ago about some personal stuff..and it was more of she told me about my own personal stuff and freaked me out pretty throughly .. and with that conversation i ended up alot of questions ..a lot of wondering about what she knew and didnt know.. i never went back and asked her my questions though and the conversation never came up..it was one of those 'i know you will come back when you are ready' type things..she was waiting on me to ask my questions..she didnt push or question me in any way.  yesterday i happened to be in the office and was feeling very not ok..ive been sick and stuff this week..and well we were talking about something and i mentioned that i still had questions for her...and she told me that she knew i still had questions..today i went into the office to pick up my paycheck and my supervisor just happened to be in the office by herself..and so i decided that i wanted to talk to her .. well i just wanted something from her but i wasnt sure what it was ..i just wanted to be around her i guess. she is different when it is just the two of us in the office...she is quieter..she talks to me in a quieter voice..she is even more caring and supportive..and i think more so because she knows that i have so many other things im dealing with..she knows all of this stuff about me that i have never told her..she just knows..and she tells me and i ask her about it.  i want to know..i want to know what she knows. i want to know what she thinks..i just want so much from her but my fear stops me..but today i just went and sat down and we talked a little bit about work stuff and then the conversation moved to talking about my stuff..what im dealing with or not dealing with..but she talked and talked and talked and i listened and listened and listened some more...at times i was so nervous and scared all i wanted to do was run out of the office away from her..i didnt want to hear her..i didnt want her acknowledging anything..i didnt want to have to face anything that she had to say...one big thing from the previous conversation that we had was whether or not she knew about the cutting.  i was scared you know..i didnt want her to know but i think that deep down i knew she did...i asked her if she knew what my coping skills were..we were in the middle of talking about stopping bad habits..and what it means to understand an action...i asked her..and she told me..she told me about the cutting, the binging/purging..the suicidal thoughts..she just laid it all out for me..and i was so scared and so very sad..there are my secrets..laid out for the world to see ..and she knows them..but she told me ..she told me that i have to understand the actions..the reasoning behind the actions..i have to get the irrational thoughts under control and realize them for what they are..she told me about rational thinking and how it works..we talked about my eye contact and feeling unsafe and scared..she talked to me about abuse and neglect..she told me it wasnt my fault..she told me im not bad..we talked about self worth and confidence and well that i dont have much of either..she talked to me about understanding and believing in my self worth..and understanding that the past is over with and that i am living now..but how i am not living..she told me that i wasnt alone..that she saw all sorts of things in me that i wasnt seeing..and that she wished and hoped that i would see them one day too...she told me that it would be important for me to lean on others until i was able to see these things for myself and believe them...so well you get the just of the conversation today..it was a long long conversation..she told me that now is my time to heal but that i have to be willing to put the work into it..that i have to be willing to learn, accept, grow..etc..and i listened to her..i did..she gave me info on a therapist that she reccommends..i didnt mention that i am already seeing a therapist..

i dont want to be stuck forever..i want to be happy..i want to enjoy life..i want to be able to deal with myself and stress and life without becoming so depressed..without isolating..without hiding or cutting or eating or starving..i want to be a part of my life..and i think that is a big part of what i have been learning with my current therapist..that i have my life and its either i am a part of it or im not..that i have to live and enjoy what i have..accept what i have..but i dont know about the next step...i have been edging away from taking the next step..im not fully commited to the work..and i think i am beginning to realize that..i have so many thoguhts and things in my head and it gets all jumbled up and confused and full..and i dont know how to sort it out..i dont know how to understand it..i dont know how to work through it..im afraid of knowing..of understanding...im afraid of getting into all of it..of digging up the past..but my supervisor is right in that icarry around all of it anyway..i think about it constantly..its in my head whether i want to acknowledge it or not ..it is there..and bringing it up and dealing with it may infact make me feel better...but that scares me..how am i going to deal with bringing it all up and acknowledging it when i feel so alone with all of it..how can i understand it when i am just afraid of it..how can i make it better? how can i make it worth it? i was listening to my supervisor today and started to wonder when i will be able to cry for myself..when i was be able to let go of the pain.the fear..the sadness...when will i be free?  when will i be able to let go of the pain..? i have been once again just doing enough to get by..i go to therapy and talk about the day to day stuff..but dont often get into the past stuff..because i am afraid of myself and how i will deal with it..im afraid ill become so overwhelmed and scared that i will act on my suicide plans..or develop more indepth plans..im afraid ill ahve a break down..and i dont know what i want to do...but i do know what i want to do..i want a life..i want love..im tired..so very tired of not living..of not being a part of my own life..i want to understand..i do..but i am just afraid..my supervisor talked a lot about facing my fears..of defeating my fears by facing them..im afraid of my fear..my fear has its own fear!! goodness.. it feels so overwhelming knowing that i have so much to work on..having so much to deal with and process and live through yet again..yes im afraid..im very very afraid..

there is a lot in my head tonight...a lot that i am thinking about and wondering about..but at the same time i am feeling rather calm..maybe i am a bit detachedd from it all..wondering what i am going to do..what i am going to decide..

my supervisor gave me information on a thearpist that she reccommends..and i told her i would think about it..think about seeing her..can i have two therapist at a time?? i sort of have been wondering about getting in contact with the new lady and just talking to her..and seeing what she is like..see if she can help me in some way that has not been tried yet..i do know that i need to see someone on a weekly basis though..i cant do every two weeks and dig up my past..it wont work..and i just have to understand that...i need to see someone on a weekly basis..

but this was part of my day..only about 2 hours..but it feels like it was so much longer..it feels like so much happened in that time..and this is where i am at with it...i think i still have a lot of thinking to do about it all though...yeah..a lot of thinking..

just thinking...who am i ?

lately i think im am being pulled in so many different directions..and i am getting lost in the process..well more lost than usual...i am being sucked into being everything for everyone else..and what has it gotten me ?? stress? confusion?? upset and hurt feelings?? who am i?  who am i becoming ? who am i trying to be?  i dont know..i really dont..everyone seems to have me pegged..everyone wants to tell me who i am..what im supposed to do..who im supposed to be?  what am i going to do  ?  it feels like i really am being pulled apart at the seams and that nothing will be able to put me back together pretty soon...sometimes i think  about just leaving..and being gone for a few days and truly getting away from thing and people and life..but i cant do that..i really need to find something to do that will help me lessen my stress and my run away thoughts..the past couple months i just haven't been able to get a grasp on things..and it feels like life is just slipping through my fingers..what am i going to do  ?  i feel like i am just falling apart and struggling to manage..struggling to handle things..and the more that stuff happens the more out of touch and lost i feel...right now im not feeling good and there is work and all sorts of stuff that i have to deal with and handle..when all i want to do is lay down and admit defeat..i cant handle being around ppl and just want to be left alone..but instead..i have to deal with more and more ppl..well with work ppl..and all of that..its tiring you know..im just tired...

i know the holidays are getting closer and closer..and its just raising my anxiety levels a lot..already im bombarded in the stores with holiday decorations and gifts and stuff..already im trying to plan for being at home and being around family ..and doing what i am expected to do..it is just a long down hill spiral after my birthday isnt it..life is depressing right now..i am depressing right now..and i just dont know what it is going to take to get things back in order .. i really dont..from aug pretty much until after jan..things are just harder for me..i have a harder time managing..i haave a harder time living..this is my trigger period..and it stinks...

it is hard realizing that you know everyone sorta has me pegged...how can i be accepted when no one is wanting to know who i really am ??  everyone 'knows' me...really?  how can anyone really know me when i dont allow anyone to know me...maybe a hand full of people know me and see me..but others ..they assume they know me and who i am..they TELL me who i am..what i want..what i need..they tell me that i cant be a certain way..they tell me how to be a certain way..what i need to say or do or how to live..they just want to control me..and i guess in some ways they do..because i am to shy to convince them otherwise..why would i contradict what they think they know?  it is safer for them to think they know me..its safer for them to come to there own conclusions because then i just have to be what they want and i dont have to think about myself and figuring out who i am...

do i want to know who i am ?? how can i learn to be myself and to accept myself when i am so easily swayed into believing that i am someone that im not..its so much easier not having to think about it myself .. but i guess it makes me sad hearing people talk about me and say im this way or cant be that way..and know that it is not true..know that it is not who i am...but how can i change there minds?  who is going to speak up for me? who is going to see me ?  lately i have been feeling so lonely..alone..unseen..invisible..depressed..i want to speak up..i want to do so much ..but fear stops me..being afraid holds me prisioner ..and i have trapped myself so very much that i dont think there is a way out for me...not anymore .. its like i just keep going in circles and the harder i try to get out of it the more i am held there..the more i just wander and hope and pray for someone to find me..for someone to see me and pull me to safety..but no one sees me..no one ever sees me..and eventually it will be to late for me..and i will be gone and no one will realize that i needed help..no one will be there for me..its just me and i am all alone..

i wonder when it is that i will completely give up?  when will i finally manage to just call it quits and stop trying and just say no to everything and go away. i want to die..i dont want to be here ..i dont think i ever wanted to be here..and maybe that is what no one understands..maybe i dont even understand the true depth of my despair.. maybe i dont know just how far i am willing to go to escape from myself..i want to escape..i want to go away..and im afraid that i am slipping..that i am falling back into the old stuff..i want my escape and i know what it takes to get it..but am i willing to do it..willing to go and get my razors back...as long as its hidden and no one knows then what is the harm?  i dont like myself..i barely tolerate myself..and i miss the nothingness that i could escape to..the emptiness where everything is stopped..everything is quiet..my head is quiet..i just want a break i think.

but i have to work..i have to make it through each day..but i find no real enjoyment in anything..i find no enjoyment in life..in living..i am existing but i am not living..ive never lived..and so i have nothing that truly holds me here..there is nothing in this world for me..and im tired of looking for a reason to stay..

overwhelmed to say the least...

there is so much going on right now and i am overwhelmed..im tired and not feeling well and just freaking overwhelmed..

this weekend was the start of some medical stuff and its just not getting better...the gyno issues are still going on and still a big big issue..ive tried the meds but i stop them and that is my fault..but the bleeding and cramping and general suckish feeling continues..and i ended up in the emergency room...ive never felt so alone in my life..in pain..doped up..and stuck in the er all by myself..there was no one to go with me..and i was just sad and sick and scared...i had to have a gyno exam and that freaked me out..i tried to get away from the doc and her fingers but of course there was no where to go..but alas no infection just a heck of a lot of bleeding..and pretty much i was told that i would have to get in touch with my reg gyno and talk to her about it all...on friday i should be able to get my birth control filled and will happily go back on it..but the other issue was that my blood pressure was up and just getting higher..it topped out at around 230/1something..here i am drugged up to my eyeballs and trying to listen to the doc about my blood pressure and how it is dangerously high..and all of this and the meds have me so far in lalala land that i dont know what to do..so they kept me..and kept me some more..and i stayed even though i didnt want to..and even though i was scared and super on edge after the exam..and im just quietly in there you know..just waiting and listening to the doc talk about me .. i dont like the er and hope i never have to go back again..but well its started all sorts of stuff :(  mommy is calling me repeatedly and telling me all sorts of junk i need to do..and checking on me and everything..and i swear its like she thinkgs im going to die or something you know...but in general i just have not been feeling great..and im now on so much medicine and nothing is working out right now..my depression is still really bad you know..and now add in all sorts of other medical issues and i just feel so very miserable..

now today..the sick feeling has come and gone you know...sometimes i feel ok and then a head ache starts in and just refuses to let go and i cant think and just want to go home and i cant deal with anything you know..supervisor says take it easy...head says get up and go to work ... cant not work..but im going to try to take it easy..at least for this week...i need to regroup..build up some strength or something..im all out of my reserves of dealing with stuff and needing to be on top of stuff...it makes me tired..it makes me sad and frustrated and upset..and i feel like i cant deal..but at the same time i know that i just have to much going on to not talk care of myself..and thats one of the problems..i just dont know how to take care of myself :(  right now i so very much want comfort and caring and support and i guess im just not getting it..i dont know..

and well now on to my super duper mind numbing concern of the day....i found out that my 16yr old niece is pregnant..and that her mom wants nothing to do with her or the baby..the 16yr old has a doc appt tomorrow and i guess ill find out from mommy how that goes...but at the same time the obsessed person in me completely wants to adopt the baby if she has the baby...gosh ive almost got the whole thing worked out in my head you know lol...i want the baby..i want to help the kid..but am i biting off more than i can chew???  i seriously jumped the gun with this one and was like yes i will take the baby if she has it.  this is a very immature 16yr old and i really wonder at her ability to take care of a baby..she is still a baby..what is she going to do ?? am i wrong for wanting to help the baby? does that make me selfish and self absorbed?? am i just looking out for my own interest?? and the major major question that i dont want to ask myself and what i am trying so hard to avoid asking myself..is can i handle a baby? a living breathing this is now my child sorta baby.  you know there can be no returns..no give backs...what will i do with a baby? what will i do with work ? and no savings and not a lot of support? can i handle a baby with the way my mood goes up and down?  im not stable on my meds right now..im not stable financially..heck im just in general tottering on the edge of a break down and yet i am seriously considering this..maybe it is just that i so very much want to feel loved .. i want to be needed..i want to be important..i want to take care of a child and call her my own..but is it the right choice?? would the better thing be to support the mom and help her get situated to raise her baby..without a stable place to live this 16yr old is looking at some major things you know..she is bringing a baby into the world that she can not support...i dont know..maybe i just need to think about it more..figure it out more..i want to make the right choice..but am i willing to make the sacrifice to have a baby..to raise a baby...do i have it in me to be a real true parent??  i guess that is the question...and i dont have an answer for it yet..i really dont..

todays collages

feeling ignored...

today.this week...since my birthday..i have been feeling really ignored and i dont know why...i hate attention you know..but this week its like i want everyones attention..i want to feel special..important..something..anything..and instead i feel ignored..forgotten..lots, empty, confused .. im not feeling happy or positive today at all..and i dont understand how to deal with the feelings...i really want to cut..take out my sadness and frustration on myself..i do want too... im trying to stay busy with other stuff..im working on collages but i dont have the right pictures or words to really get out all of my feelings..when i get paid next week im going to have to see about getting some different magazines ... i just need to get out my feelings...one way or another it will happen...guess it just depends...but maybe ill go and take a nap or something soon..but for now..ill go back to working on collages...maybe it will help.

sometimes...

sometimes i just feel invisible..and no matter how hard i try i cant get seem to fit in..or be heard..or be seen....sometimes i just wonder why i cant be more screwed up..why cant i demand attention and support..what is wrong with me?? im not well enough to stay stable on a weekly basis..but im not screwed up enough to stay in constant crisis...i dont understand :(   guess im just feeling majorly sorry for myself tonight..

head is major full tonight

wow my head is going a million miles a minute tonight.  seriously there is just a lot on my mind and im thinking about so many different things and so much stuff and im not sleepy at all..im actually fairly bored right now..but so many thoughts nad ideas are in my head..i want to get up and do something but there is nothing to do..im glad my birthday is over you know. i think i prefer celebrating on non birthday days..im weird like that.  i went to work today and my morning person had gotten me a little gift and i do like it alot and i told her she didnt have to get me anything at all..but she did..and it was sweet and i almost wanted to hug her ..but well im not big on hugs and all of that..but i told her lots that i liked it and appreciated her thinking of me.  and then i went to work and saw like 4 ppl today...i was so hot today though..like major rushing stressed hot..i thought i was overheating i was sweating so bad..and then my stupid air conditioner in the car is not working again and keeps cutting out and its making me mad..and i know i need to do like a million things with my car but now im all broke till i get paid again and then i gots to pay bills and you know all of that stuff..and i hate paying bills i do..i really do..and t is next week and i dont have the money for her..but i will at the end of the week i think..and i gotta do lots of paperwork this weekend and what not..and i hate the weekends you know. there is just nothing to do..i think maybe ill go to the library on saturday and work on paperwork some you know..so i dont sit in the house all day.  you know i talked to mommy yesterday for my birthday nd she like told me all the stuff i needed to work on and what not and i wanted to just tell her to leave me alone. i think i stopped listening after a while and just kept saying ok until she hung up. was that mean?  i hope i wasnt mean? i dont like being mean at all..you know i have 2 trips to plan for.  in oct and nov. and im getting my train ticket next week. and then next month i gotta figure out all the new orleans stuff.. im pretty excited about those trips...im not as excited about thanksgiving and christmas though..the holidays makes me sad..they do..i dont like them to much. i really dont. and then the year is almost over you know. already. its went by really super fast and i wonder what ive done with it...i think its been an ok year you know...not horrible not the best..but i am working and managing and well trying to manage anyway.  i want to do more fun stuff..get out of the house more. not isolate so very much.  im very much focused on my new two year plan...by the time im 30 i want a baby. and well it will most likely be through adoption or surrogacy but i do so want a baby. a family of my own.  so i guess that means i have two years to get my act together .. to act like an adult. to be an adult.  to get a better handle on my life. yeah thats my goals. well one of them. im losing a client next week..and getting a new one.  ill still have a full case load..you know now that its getting to be the holidays im gonna need to get in more hours at work. yeah..shopping and all of that..and i do sorta want a butt load of stuff..what can i say..i fully admit to being materialistic..i do..i just want and want and want and dont care how i go about getting it...blah..silly stuff..bad choices..you know the same old stuff..but im not cutting..does that count for something ??

sigh of relief...

there is a sense of relief...the birthay being over...it was an okay day.  not horribly stressful.  didnt do much but that is ok because we know we will be able to do little things for the birthday for a while longer.  did go to chilis though for dinner..and got cupcakes and ice cream.  a small little party for me ..like well me and uh me lol. but its ok.  glad i took the day off  from work though. did get to sleep in ..but looking at all the time ill have to make up for tomorrow is a bit daunting..but it will get done ..and then friday ill be going out with a friend..that should be interesting. but hmm getting sleepy so guess im going to lay down...oh and i actually made up my bed tonight!  ttook forever lol.

yikes

holy hell my birthday is wed!!  ill actually be turning 28 ?!?!  craziness ...yep pure and simple craziness

sometimes i just dont seem to fit in :(

yes i know i have lots of trouble with talking and relating to people my own age..is it patheric that i prefer the company of children? or the company of someone who is older than me?  i dont seem to fit in no matter how hard i try with people my own age.  and i relate even less to men my age. i feel safer around people that i know have no interest in me what so ever..and i just i dont know..i dont know what i need to do to make myself fit in any better..i dont know what its so hard for me to just talk and have fun without worrying ..without struggling so darn much..

even online i struggle with fitting it..i try to be nice and helpful and everything and its like im ignored..and then i feel stupid for trying..and i still wonder what is so wrong with me..why do i still have to struggle so much..why cant i talk and share and be more trusting?  ok well really there are times and well ppl i have run into online that just make me really question and doubt what is being said..but again that is a personal thing you know..but just in general its like i try and get nothing in return..maybe i dont want it bad enough..maybe i am not doing something right..i dont understand..maybe i am destined to just be alone..to just always be alone..

sometimes i wonder what it would be like..to be loved..to be desired..wanted in some way..i wonder what it would feel like to be hugged, to be kissed and not be afraid..i want to be loved but i dont feel i deserve it at all..i want to be touched but i dont believe anyone would want me and my ruined body..who can be there for me..and understand why i have done what ive done..and still desire me?  i guess i have messed things up for myself ..and ill be alone...

i have a two year plan though..for a child..not a husband..or a boyfriend or anything like that..i want a baby..and i have someone who will carry my baby for me..i want a baby..i want some to love..to love me and have me love them..i want to just feel important..needed..wanted..and with all of my own girl issues and all of that im not even sure i can carry a child..and well the idea of being pregnant is slightly really nauseating..but the surrogate thing would work..i can have my own eggs fertilized and have them put in someone else..and then i can be there to help and support and all of that..im not sure i can handle being pregnant..

there is a lot going on in my head tonight..im upset because i thought i had a friend..and now just like with anyone else..mommy has won her over..mommy has taken her and gotten her to believe that mommy is great and wonderful..and that i am the one that is so messed up..i feel messed up though..but again i feel that i have to be careful what i say..how i act..i cant be myself..im guarded again...very very guarded :( and i hate that..but i cant have someone relating information back to mommy..i just cant..

some days i just feel that my differences are to many to tackle and that there is not enough time in the world to get a handle on them.  and i am alone..just alone with my head..and im not sure that is a really good thing..

deep inside my secrets ..are just more secrets.

the topic of well a lot of stuff came up in therapy on tuesday..and i do think i got really scared at one point and started to completely shut my head off to avoid talking about stuff..sometimes i cant explain and get scared and then i cant explain even more. although i did finally get around to asking if we could talk about something else. shoot even that was hard. but i was feeling incredibly just not connected and needed to stop the subject. its like just getting so floaty and stuck and my head feels like its just stuffed full of cotton and it takes so long to think and piece things together and make sense.  being scared stinks :( mind stopping fear stinks even worse. ugh. sometimes its just hard to break through all of my old thinking..i still have to get past the need to defend what happened, the blame, the guilt, denial, fear, crap..by the time i get myself in a place to tlak about it then its time to go! yeah..great benefits of therapy there. i mean i know i have to do the work although i do try hard to aviod it, but i do talk more now..little bits and pieces at a time. i have to keep myself calm and sometimes that doesnt work..calm gives way to fear and well fear stops me cold..i swear it would be easier to give up like every drug in the world over talking about my past...and so yeah i couldnt go there during this past session..i did a little bit before in the session before that though..but this time we talked about mommy an awful lot..and well i say it was an awful lot but it prolly wasnt that much..but well me and my relationship with talking is still pretty low..so yeah..big deal all we talked about..and even now i am working my way around the topic instead of just diving into and figuring out what it is about the talk that is bothering me so very much..something is bothering and im just not sure what it is..umm well we talked about my fear of men and relationships..and that was the conversation that i had to stop because i got way to scared and lost. i dont know.  tallked about work a little bit.and my lack of motivation with showing up to work and doing my work..that is a royal pain in the butt..but then we talked about mommy and i dont remember how the conversation started ..its just some how we were talking about mommy.  mommy has a lot of control over me..and being away from home helps a little bit with that..but then going home just destroys it..and it takes forever for me to feel like i am ok again after going home and being at home.  i still argue with myself about going home and having to listen and having to ask permission for stuff...i say i want someone to just tell me what to do at times..but i hate hate hate mommy telling me what to do or what to say or how to act.  linda said that mommy and her behaviors towards me are inappropriate and that there are no boundaries and that what mommy does and says is just wrong and unsupportive..and it makes me think of old stuff..it makes me remember all the times that mommy has told me i am bad or stupid or selfish..all the times she told me that she gets me mad because then she knows ill do what she says..she knows ill shut up..and mommy did tell me that i was to selfish to ever get married..while at the same time telling me that i need to date..that i need to talk more..that i need to learn how to talk to men and all of that..and it is embarrassing and it all does upset me..and makes me wonder why it is that i cant be like everyone else..and why it is that i am the one stuck struggling with all of this mess and cant seem to get a handle on any of it..i dont want to date..i dont want to be touched ever and i guess i dont feel like i have enough love in me for anyone else..its not like i have extra laying around somewhere..i dont have enough for myself..so why would i bother with figuring out how to give some to someone else..no i like being around ppl that i know what nothing from me..i like being around ppl who already have boyfriends or girlfriends or they are married..or what ever it is that means that belong to someone else..and so i will be left alone..the thought of having someone in my bed..like umm ..no not happening..but back to mommy..mommy uses everything i do and say against me..and when i was younger i tried hard not to say anything to her..but then i was always in trouble for something and well she talked to me alot..she yelled at me alot..she hit me alot..writing this does make me want to cut. a lot.  there are just too many things in my head right now and so much that i am thinking and trying to write and its getting all jumbled up..and makes me feel really anxious...i dont know what i want from mommy..i know that i still try to do what she tells me to because i want her to like me..to love me..and at the same time i dont want anything from her.  but im stuck to her. i try to stand up for myself and get told to stop..get told to stop being selfish..get told that she is mommy and that im supposed to tell her stuff and do stuff for her..for a long time i questioned why she just didnt give me back if i was such a bad person..such a bad kid..she was paid to keep me..and now its like i have to pay her back for everything she ever did for me..im still afraid of mommy ..and im still afraid of being hit..i hate when she just sits and watches me..i hate doing anything around her..and almost any conversation makes me feel ganged up on..like i have to defend myself and what i do..but things are always my fault..its my fault about my car..its my fault about everything..linda says mommy has brainwashed me..and i guess i do understand where that comes from..because its as if no matter how much i fight it she is always there..i used to be scared that she would just show up randomly to check on me..ive stopped that one mostly..but i do get scared that she will just turn up some days..and i feel guilty and ashamed of myself for even feeling guilty..how is it possible to like myself when i have mommy always telling me what i need to change about my self..telling me who i should be more like..ive never been enough..not for her..and so im not enough for me either..ive gone out of my way to destroy myself..and i havent stopped..its just changed a bit..because ive learned old habits dont really die..they just get hidden..and my desire to die really hasnt gone any where..its just a little farther away..im more afraid of trying to kill myself and mommy finding out and being so so mad at me..thats what scares me..the fact that i want to die does not scare me anymore because i dont care..and all i do is wonder why it is that no one seems to understand just how much it is that i dont like myself..im a bad person but i just get so stuck trying to explain why..im just bad..awful ..stupid.whatever. there is nothing worth loving in me at all..and maybe that is why mommy is so intent on making me be someone else.. why cant i just be someone else..have someone elses life..and give up my poor pathetic existence?  everyone would be happy then right ? i guess mommy taught me well...i dont need her to beat me up..i do it without any help..and im awfully good at it..i already know what hurts my feelings and i know how to be mean to myself and still be as nice and supportive to someone else..there is nothing left for me to give myself..there isnt. sometimes im just tired of trying at all..tired of having to convince myself that i am worth something..that i am okay..but its all lies..im just wasting my time lying to myself and just i dont know. guess im a bit depressed tonight..sleep may be a good idea...

sometimes its the small stuff thats worth it!

so i was out to lunch today with my client..and well we went to golden corral..buffet type place..and i waqs wondering around looking at everything ..


and

VIOLA
there was a CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!

omg it was so awesome and i had chocolate covered pineapples and strawberrys and you got to make them yourself!  it was great..and really side cause me to feel super excited and happy this afternoon.

really not sure

this weekend has been pretty bad head wise. like i just cant seem to get a grip and my birthday is edging  closer and i realize that i will be alone for my birthday.  just another day really you know. nothing speicial. nothing important.  and i know people have there own lives and there own stuff. but it just sorta feels like im at the bottom of everyones list and no one has time to do anything with me. i dont know. i guess in my head i know thats not a fair assesment of the situations. but i guess thats just how i feel and that makes me feel even more depressed. and i did see the new pdoc  and what not on friday. and my meds changed a little bit. and im not sure how that is working out.  i had to lessen the lexapro and up the effexor.  and i feel out of balance. hard to explain..and just feeling sick and crappy and you know the world sucks and i hate everything type mood.

but its monday and that means ive got to get my work done that i havent finished and rush around to find a couple clients..and then  squeeze in lunch with a friend and staff meeting this evening. mondays are just way to busy for me..and well me not doing my work ahead of time just makes it so so soooooooo much worse...ugh.

well gotta go .. who knows maybe ill be a bit more upbeat later on.

i am no ones keeper

I AM NOT ANYONES KEEPER. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FREAKING SELF AND WELL MY CATS. THATS IT. JUST BECAUSE I TOOK SOMEONE FREAKING HOME DOES NOT MEANS I THAT AM RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING TRACK OF THEM EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF EVERY FREAKING DAY.

im frustrated ..and upset and just not in a good space at all right now.  i dont like it being implied that im supposed to know what someone else is doing every second of every day.  now i remember ehy it is im always so careful about mommy and telling her that i am hanging out with anyone.  last time i checked my friend was a grown adult and able to take care of herself without my help before she met me. so why should it be any different now???!!  why is it that suddenly everyone is concerned because she cant be reached and im being called like i have tabs on her. like i know what she is doing with her day. wtf i dont know where she is at and im sorry you cant get her but damnit its not my responsibility at all. and i have to remember that.  it makes me mad becuase mommy is doing her usual thing fishing for information and im refusing to give any..and so once again i feel like im lying to mommy just to cover my own self. but i hate being questioned. i hate feeling like a total stranger came walk into our house and be liked more than me. be valued more than me. be supported and talked to and helped. and i just sit there and listen and hear and its like really ?!  what does she have that i dont?  what is it about me that makes me just so unlikeable..unloveable. not needed for anything or anyone . and its not fair and i guess that makes me sound incredibly patheitc and childish. im jealous. i am. because i dont know whats wrong with me.

if i died would anyone freakin notice. its like i really do need a flashing sign above my head that demands i get noticed. that demands for someone to talk to me.  to see me. to just realize that i am infact alive. but no. im not good enough for that. i never have been and i most certainly should know better than to expect any differently.

not with it this week

this week is just really messing me up the holiday and going home has really thrown me off..and we are just struggling..and i know that struggling right now is to be expected because of going home..and that means that mommy is going over board with the 'you need to change blah blah blah stuff' ..she actually told me today that i needed to starve and asked if i was going to starve because i ate so much at home and that i must have over done it :(..i didnt think i had over done it..but maybe i did..but it just leads to all sorts of out of control eating and thinking and everything..i dont know..i know its stupid to be so dependent on someone else and so easily controlled by someone else..but mommy just gets to me..and its so easy for her..and just 3 days home has been feeling completely off and messed up and i dont know...just not doing so great right now...

the stormy weather is stinky and making me feel super nervous..im hoping the power does not go out...

when i came home earlier i dont know really what happened..it was one of those i think i napped days but im not sure..just zoned out and laid down...i really dont know..

head is just not okay today..

crap

it would be nice if i could get it together and actually get my freaking work done...crap crap crap..im jsut not with it this week at all :( :(