memory issues ...

today has been a frustrating day...i mean yeah ive been feeling sad ..but i was able to manage as much as i could..got a little zoned out  a few times ..but managed to see 3 clients today..and i didnt take a nap today..that is a good thing i think..but now im just like super tired ...and oh well

my head has been moving a bit slow today..and im feeling very forgetful..i had to keep reminfing myself that today was thursday and not friday..i was getting upset that i couldnt remember...and then well i realized that my whole week is kinda missing ..ugh..not my kinda day at all ...

i dont care

massive i dont care mode right now..i dont want to get up..i dont want to go to work..i dont want to do anything but just like lay here...trying to get up.. i am..but its taking forever..and again im just having a hard time caring today

tired

this morning i am really very tired and dont want to get up at all..i just want to spend the day laying in bed..im not sure if its a depression thing or if i am just really tired..i was up a bit later than usual last night chatting..but well ive gotta get up ..

yesterday i finally got all of my late work turned in..im no longer behind..yay me..it took me forever it feels like to get it all done...but well yeah all caught up..and that does make me happy..but well yeah..

my mind is moving a bit slowly riight now..and im not sure what im trying to say..so i guess im gonna go..

yes

whats holding you back?

im feeling very sad  right now...well sad and upset since yesterday ..but the anger is a bit more under control right now...but since im not able to process all that happened yesterday without placing heavy heavy blame on myself..im not sure there is much point to this at all...but ill write it anyway..

therapy was yesterday..and it became one of those tough love sessions as linda likes to call them...but pretty much we talked about my need for attention and how i am going about getting it in negative ways...we talked about my manipulative behaviors..we talked about the fact that my freaking bill is so high that i cant see her on a weekly basis anymore...that it has to be every other week or less than that ..she said that i need to become less dependent on her..she said that she should have had better boundaries with me..but in my head all i am hearing is that ive messed up again...im using the cutting for attention ..i need to much  help.. its my fault that im once again feeling as if i am being pushed away..pushed aside...she told me that if i felt i needed more therapy than every other week then i would need to find a different therapist...i dont want a different therapist..i wanted her..but again she decides to set boundaries now and now i want to push through them all until i get what i want..and i just want attention ..i want someone to pay attention to me..am i dependent on her..no..am i dependent on therapy..yes..i want therapy..i want to be able to talk to someone..i want it to be a part of my schedule.  it helps me..because i cant help myself...and so yesterday it was once again..lets hold up a mirror and look at ourselves and see what it is that is happening ..and what it is that we are doing...it may not be on purpose but its still happening all the same..and now it feels like i am being just left to my own devices..and i feel like no one at all is on my side..and everyone is just screaming at me to do better, to be better, to just be more..to be normal...i hate to be the one to break the bad news but the normal train left my life a long damn time ago...im hurt..i feel like a stupid failure for once again not being able to do what i was supposed to do or expected to do...and this is the consequence...im being cut off from my main support..and pushed out into a world that doesnt accept me..what the hell am i supposed to do?  my fears have kicked up big time...how am i supposed to manage myself without help??  who is going to put order to the chaos that is my head??  i cant do this by myself..i cant..

im afraid to trust myself with myself..im afraid to trust that i could possibly actually manage without the extra assistance and support...i could be fooling myself horribly and am just heading for a break down..i dont know..right now im just upset about all of it..and feel the need to just not go back to therapy for a while..cant see her next week anyway..so why bother..im mad at her and told her so..but for the past almost 12 years ive been in and out of therapy so much..i went i stopped and then i went again..sometimes i tried ..sometimes i didnt..ok a lot of time i didnt ..

i want everyone else to fix me..i want the meds to make me happy..i want my therapist to organize my head and get me to stop hating myself..i want everyone to support and accept me...but i dont want to be any part of it..and i guess that is what the problem is...wanting so much from everyone else and not being able to deal with myself or deal with accepting myself or any thing that involved me myself and i...im afraid of myself..im afraid of who i am..im afraid of who i could be...change is a hard thing yes...but basing change on years of learned behaviors..years of having to figure out how to get what i wanted or needed without outright asking for it...there is so much old stuff to get through and yes i keep hanging on to it because im afraid of what it would be like to just let it go..and i know i cant magically erase all of the past..because the past has effected my present..but not having such a hold on it would be a good thing. ..

but in the end its just me .. i have to deal with me..i have to live with me.. and im afraid that i cant do it..oh i can manage and get by and do enough not to kill myself...but with no one else holding my accountable for anything .. its like i cant promise anything...

i really dont know why ive been cutting so much again..but i see no point in stopping now...

im sorry

i hold my own self back
i sabotage my own self
i hurt myself and make myself believe i deserve it
i hate myself
i hate being alone but i push everyone away
and
i feel the need to go back to pretending
im fine
im fine
im fine

nothing else really matters...as long as i get up and go to work and do all the daily stuff im supposed to do..thats all anyone cares about..as long as i am seen every so often..then i am a functioning member of society and nobody gives a flying fuck about anything else about me or what im doing or how im doing..no one..its wrong to be dependent on others..and i remember that now..i want to be left alone. i dont need anyone at all. i just dont.

i am my own worst enemy ... and im hellishly good at it

another morning

ive noticed that i am not drowning in depression but that i am depressed..and it maybe that i have been inside to long and need to get out of the house for a bit...and with work and turning stuff in today.. i guess i will be out of the house...its not been that ive been trapped inside..just had nothing to do really..and no money to do anything..and im trying hard not to just create a mess for the hell of having a mess to deal with..

in the mixed up days of the past two weeks ..with the major med changes and that crazy head stuff..i was scratching..and i learned that my 'light' scratching caused some scars...which wouldlnt matter but they were on my lower arms and the obviousness of what i did just stares me i nthe face and i am ashamed..very ashamed..i couldnt control myself..and i know that i am just going to have to move past them but right now i just look at them and it makes me sad..it makes me sad that once again it took physical pain to get through to myself..to calm down..to function in some way..im trying hard not to do it again..but at the same time i start feeling anxious and its like ..ok i dont even need a razor anymore..im no longer going for the massive damage..i just want to be able to get away from the inside hurt for a while..but all the smae..cutting, scratching, burning, purging, they are all the same thing..they all hurt at some point...and i can ignore it all that i want too..and i can ..but its other peoples reactions that concern me more..like why is it that they are scared and worried..and im like umm i have it under control..its not that big of a deal..but obviously that is just me and my confusion ..and misbeliefs ..i swear ...

but i dont know ..something is bothering me on a low grade level...like its there but its evading me and i cant figure out what it is..its just that something is bothering me..but i dont know..i mean gee my sudden lack of inhibition when it comes to sex and masturbation and all of that makes me feel crazy..and the odd thing is that the 'fantasy' i guess is the same one..over and over and over..and any way i try to explain it.it involves someone being hurt...either intentionally or she is being tricked into believing that she wants something and is a willing participant...but its wrong to make someone think they want something when they dont..you can convince a child to think they are a willing participant in sex and i hope every single person that does that burns in hell..but anyway..my dreams are taking on a familiar form again i think...me and two other girls..one i know im related to and one im not..but i am the oldest..and so i am technically the first target..but if i refuse they others get hurt..which means that either way i am forced to be do everything i dont want to do..and when even that fails and one of the others is hurt anyway..then it all just gets messy and confusing and i dont know...i wake up afraid...and then sometimes i dont want to leave the dream beacause afterhurt comes comfort..and i want to be comforted..i want to be protected..i can ignore what it takes to get that comfort..

right now its like no matter what intimacy and sex and all of that is in my head and has taken up residence and it is a struggle to remain in control and not go out and lseep with any one..i dont care..i want to know what it feels like to be touched and loved...i keep thinking that if i wasnt so shy and scared ..i truly would have been a slut..just for the physical aspect of things..the touching and caring and want..ok in my head that is what it would have been..and i would have done anything for it...but im not an expressive person and tend to shy away from relationships like that..and so i went to the other end of the spectrum and just refused to be near anyone partically...oh im find when im around people who i know are taken..because then there is no pressure for me preform..there is no pressure for me to get anyone to like me..i dont want anyone liking me..i cant stand the thought of anyone being in bed with me or near me or wanting anything from me..but lately i realize that sex would involve all of the things that i dont like or really want...but my judgement is lapsing right now..and i think of really stupid things...very very stupid things to do..and its like there is this itch that just cant be scratched..and oh ive tried..gosh darn ive tried and still its there and just as strong and bothersome...oh dear god i feel like i need to have a conversation with linda today about sex and i think it may kill me..

not to mention that i sorta think im attracted to someone at the church i go to..which is a huge no no..please dont let it be an attraction....i know nothing about her...im afraid of what i think i want from her..becuase it is not the same parenting type stuff that i want from some of the women there.. and then there is the sorta long distance relationship..that is just confusing ..and still im ready to like sleep with freaking anyone and that is going to need to stop...like now..that would be really awesome...im not a slut..and im not a whore..and i dont want to be touched..i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont .. crap i do..my head is full of all of these ideas and situations and control vs no control..and my fear...even in my head my fear stops me..and i think that is a major part of my issues with being in a relationship...one being i dont have the slightest idea of what im doing..but more than that is the issue that i will become so afraid in the middle of something happening and i can see that not ending well...i see this happening in my head and im begging for them to stop and to leave me alone..sometimes it works..more often it doesnt ..and its like no.. you got it started and so that means you will have to finish it..and still i end up hurt..how does that make sense...not even in my dreams do i have compelete control...even in my dreams i am still hurt, chased, forced, played with, pushed around, lost, forgotten, chased, so much running from the fear..fear of being caught, fear of being trapped..but there is no one to protect me..sometimes i cant even protect myself ... but i dont think i fight back very often...i try to avoid..escape..hide..get away...but not fight back...

and once someone told me that in dreams you have to replace everyone with yourself..and then work on understanding what is going on...becuase if thats the case then the most obvious thing is that i am still hurting and trying to protect myself all at the same time..and there is no balance..i try to protect to smaller sadder parts of myself..but im leaving myself open to constant violent attacks against me..and that no amount of running an hiding is going to do it..it always finds me..and takes me..and i end up hurt in some way...promising to be good..promising to keep the secrets..promising promising and more promising..i still promise to be a good girl..i promise to follow the rules and do what im told..i promise and promise and in return all i get is pain and hurt and confusion...i promise..i promised to be good..to be quiet..its like i just tiptoe around it all in my head..if i dont touch it or acknowledge it then i can pretend its not there..and that i can keep the illusion that i am not hurting and sad and afraid...

something i am noticing lately though..is that for as much as i want to be accepted by others..by everyone..its not going to happen like that..and with like church..yes i can be accepted but that means no talking about certain behaviors of mine..oh ok fine...and yes this past sunday my anxiety was up and down but manageable and i only get really panicked once or twice and started shaking...but i managed..i guess..i didnt really listen because my paranoia was kicking in big time and feeling like everyone is watching me and judging me..and gosh darn i was i nthe second darn row!! kill me now..but i went because i got to sit with denise..and that is its own set of issues for me...because i want her in a parent role..and will ask her for bunches of hugs because im not afraid of being hurt by her...because of how i was feeling i didnt let the bishop hug me yesterday..but i was able to be in his office for a little while..with his family in there...im not sure i would have managed one on one in his office..but his office smells like soap..i havent been able to figure out what kind it is..but i like the smell of his office...i raided the candy jars and told them they had stinky candy selections...and was told that then i should just bring in my own candy to put in the dishes..and i want to be accepted by them so so much...and lady is a woman who is very used to be listened to and having her request completed..and so me and my need to refuse and fight and be passive aggressive when im upset about something makes HER uncomfortable..i would say mad but im not sure about that..because again its not as if i am doing drugs ..or drinking so much i cant function..but whatever..and i think one of my issues is that i do need things to be repeatitive..i need to have the same questions answered and reanswered until i understand..until it makes sense to me..and its not that i dont listen..i just have a hard time with processing and reasoning out things in a way that makes sense to more than just me..ugh ..

but im getting sleepy ..so i have to stop writing...i really am sleepy

sometimes i dont have the words

and this would be the draw back of my job

if i could just scream in frustration right now i would...i really really would...

one of my clients is upset with me..and left me a message telling me that it was of course MY fault that she missed her meeting...now i would feel bad if i hadnt tried to get her..or called and let her know i was running late.. i wasnt messing around at home or just wasting time..i was in the damn office because i needed to talk to my supervisor and we went a little bit over and so yes i was running a bit late..but i could have been to her and she wouldnt have missed her meeting..but she didnt call me until hours later..to tell me that it was my fault she didnt go...and so i call ed her back and left the most sickeningly upbeat message i could manage..because again this is one of those clients that i have just bent backwards for and something comes up and now im in the wrong in some major way..and it just pisses me off...so i attempted to call her today.to set up for this week...and well she let me know that she had it covered..and i said ok...what did she think i was going to do??? beg her??? no i said ok..and let her know i was available...i apologized yet again..and hung up...and yep i am feeling so very very pissed off right now..which is why i am writing instead of doing anything else...im really mad..and feel like i am at fault ..because no if it was that important she could have walked...she has already told me she doesnt even care about the meetings and only go for the food..but whatever...she can blame me if it will make her feel better...ill just send an email to my supervisor and give her a heads up..and i guess ill just wait it out..and see what happens...you know...i just have way to much other stuff going on right now to be that concerned with this particular client..and maybe that makes me awful..and selfish and all sorts of things..but this woman is not a child...she is making her choices..and she has to live with the outcomes not me..and so she can accept the help or not..i really dont care at this point...and maybe that is just the anger speaking right now...who knows...im just pissed off...

i think i can safely say that the meds are taking affect...im as chill as ive ever been .  sleepy to but so so so very chill..im calm and quiet and the motivation comes and goes.but i know ill be  cleaning and stuff later today after church...thats the plan...but now i have to get up and moving or im going to be late for church...let the fun times begin...

more thoughts about religion...

i think lately i have been trying to figure out what it is about religion and god that is escaping me..what is it about god and faith that i am missing..what is it that is wrong with me that i am not able to believe like everyone else seems to believe...

what ive learned though is that i am still that hurt little kid who is so upset and hurt that god didnt do what i was made to believe he would do..i lost faith in god and religion and now i dont know how to get it back..or if i even want it back.. why do the hurts from so long ago still affect me so very much? why am i still that small scared child and that i cant see this through an adults eyes..i get upset and scared.and once i am in that space then it is really hard for me to come back to myself..it is hard for me to understand what is happening and to understand what is being said..and i feel distrustful..and i just dont understand .. the problem though is who do i explain this too?  who is going to be able to get down on my level? who is going to be able to deal with all the hurt that comes pushing to the surface when the topic of god and religion is given to me? who is willing to talk to me from the beginning and really hear my fear and hurt without judgement or condemning me for it...who is willing to do that with me?? and i dont think i am in the right place to accept it..but i also dont think i have found the right person to teach me...i have found people that i will listen..that i can hear sometimes..people who i want to connect with so very much...but because of my issues i fear that i wont be able to really connect...not in the way that i want to anyway..because my issues led to behaviors that i am learning a lot of people are not comfortable with.and have trouble talking about...its not that i am always negative and suicidial and wanting to die..but my need to talk about these topics is a big big deal..they are a part of who i am right now..i need to talk about them..i need to see them and understand them and not hide from them...and if i dont talk to someone else about it then i am just hiding ..and hiding leads to things that are worse than just the desire to talk about it...a desire to live isnt going to be all that keeps me alive..no amount of all this sudden positiveness is going to save me..maybe it will help..maybe listening and questioning is where i am at right now..i dont know..sometimes i do feel such a connection to what is being talked about..and sometimes its like i am connecting with nothing at all..and i would like to not be talked about as if i am possessed..

but i guess the biggest question is why do i keep going back??? if i am struggling so much? if i am so doubtful and fearful..why do i keep going back?? isnt it like just setting myself up for failure..setting myself up to be hurt?? to be left confused and alone because its hard for people to understand me and my situation..i dont want to be seen as special..i dont want to be seen as crazy..but really i guess all you would have to do is look at my arms and wonder if i am crazy or not..but going back...i go back because i want the care...the concern..i almost dont care that i  get nothing from the 'service' .it is the people that i want..well some of them..i want the hugs..i want to be with other people...i mean maybe its just not for me..who know..but basing all of my current religious decisions on a couple hurtful conversations doesn't seem all that fair either..so ill give it more time..ill go and listen an think and wonder and question...i wont blindly follow though..i cant...

feeling very fuzzy and out of it...

so im sorta hiding in the library today..i did go to work this morning and turn in some stuff..but i still have a bit to turn in and of course all the monthly/quarterly stuff is due now too..and so im trying to stay put and get stuff done..but my head is off in its own little world and what i really want to do is just to go and lay down and go to sleep..but i figure i can known out the stuff due today and then ill be caught up and i can stop worrying about it..im tired of worrying about it..and it is just adding on to my amounts of stress anyway..

im not sure what i wanted to write about anymore..my head is just bothering me a lot today...i dont think i slept good last night..
i dont know..
i dont know a lot today..

prozac and klonipin...means ill be taking a nap real soon...ive been up since four and im feeling it...big time feeling it

highly pissed off...

i dont know what it is ..i really dont..that has me obviously acting like i have no sense when i go to church...bloody freaking hell what is it??? what am i doing or saying or not saying that has people getting the idea that i am the most negative person alive..and that i am not being positive enough and that i am just like a step from death at all hours of the day??!! what the hell?? it makes me upset because im being told that im being so negative and making it seem like my problems are so special and its like holy cow..no im not..crap it take me forever and a day to even admit that something is even going on..and well ok right now im a little bit more vocal about it because of my meds being wrong and so yes i am feeling badly..and no damn amount of positiveness is touching my mood right now..im tired and sick and headachey and dizzy and flippin cow im sorry if im having yet another bad day..ok im freaking sorry..but really all im learning is that in this particular environment..me being me and asking for help or support has to be in a very careful and none straightforward way..because if im to straightforward with it then i end up with pl telling me that im just being negative..and that i need to decide what it is that i want and if i believe in god and blah blah blah..if i knew if i believed then do you think i would always feel so confused when i go to church??? do you think i would look at you like you are crazy when you are asking me all these questions relating to god and i dont have any freaking answers for you??  obviously my religious education had some short comings..and some big darn gaping holes because there is just a lot that i am not connecting with..which in turn makes me feel rather stupid..and tonight at bible study i really wasnt understanding and so listening to it just made me feel really anxious and stupid and like i really was going to go to hell so then what was the point in me doing a damn thing differently...but pretty much tonight was about how to know if you have accepted god or something along those lines and its like well if you have then you have spoken in tongues...now i have watched ppl speak in tongues ..in church..and it freaks me out..i dont understand it..it scares me..but according to the bible study tonight i am just lacking horribly and ive never spoken in tongues so my whole role in getting to heaven has been like short changed..because i have somehow missed the guidebook for this is what is supposed to happen in order for you to go to heaven..

maybe i am holding on to childhood beliefs and misconceptions..ok i know i am holding on to them..because i still dont understand..i dont understand why it is that i prayed and asked for help and did what i had to do or what i was taught to do..and i ended up being hurt over and over and over again..and i prayed so hard for help and i prayed so hard to be saved..i think there were times that i just prayed to die so that it would be over and done with..and nothing changed..nothing happened..how do you explain to a child that god didnt hear them?  that god somehow missed there requests for help?? how do you explain to that hurt adult that for whatever reason god has some divine plan for you and you had to stay where you were..what sense does that make?? who wants to hear that?? oh well you know we wanted you to grow into a strong adult and so we just decided to let you suffer and watched you and made sure you didnt die..but you had to deal with everything else?  who in the hell wants to be told that?? what hurt adult wants to be told that well god is this all caring all power being and that you can talk to him and he will hear you and he will be able to give you assistance and help..i mean no not like dropping money out of the sky..but like you know you wont feel alone and that you will find the strength to get through and all of this...how can you expect an adult that grew up with a completely different belief system to suddenly buy all of this and believe it and understand it...how can you expect this adult to just wipe away years and years of hurt and pain and confusion when it comes to religion ..because right NOW the message she is getting is that god is great, and god loves, and god forgives..and if you believe and have faith then god will provide for you..really ???  obviously my faith buttons are broken..my trust buttons are broken..and still i go and go and go and hope for something to change..hope for something to happen..something to become better..im waiting for god to speak to me..but really i think i just want someone to explain it to me..i want answers to the questions that ive had for years..i want to be told why it is that it was me..why was i the one that got hurt..why was i the one that grew up and came to associate pain with love and safety and security..why was i the one whose trust was broken and rebroken over and over and over..and now im being expected to blindly follow the flock...im suddenly supposed to follow the rules for a god that i dont believe in, a god i have no faith in, a god that i cant see or hear, a god that i am told about through other people?? is it even okay to say that i am mad at god..i think i was told once that i couldnt blame god...because god wasnt the one hurting me..maybe that is true..but in my child mind..god was at fault..god is at fault..because god didnt protect me..god didnt save me..god didnt help me..as a child i was taught that god was the protector i think..god was there for you..i mean as much as a child can understand..

but now i am an adult..and suddenly i am struggling with all of this again..all of the confusion and doubt..i want answers..and no one can give them to me..no one can explain to me why things happened that happened...plenty of people can tell me to forgive though..plenty of people can tell me to let it go and move on...and i cant let it go..i cant because i dont understand it..because these questions come from the core of my being ..it is not that i just woke up one morning and decided that today was the day i was going to lose faith in god and religion...no ..this was a steady thing..a learned thing..a learned belief..how can you explain to the hurt child ? how do you explain to the hurting child the reasons for what happened?  the reasons behind what happened?  how do you explain how god has played into it? and where the blame needs to go?

i dont care what anyone says...you cant fix the broken adult without first healing the broken child...and to do that you have to find and acknowledge the child..you have to hear the questions..listen to the fears..give her the protection and security, and safety that she needs...the broken child has to be able to heal and grow..because without her..the broken adult will never be able to be whole...never

i do remember though now ..why it is that religion and church were never truly places of  comfort for me...maybe it is just that i havent been taught it correctly..maybe its that i just havent had a chance to really have someone help me figure out what it is that i want to know and why...but i do know..that positivity is being shoved down my throat and i dont like it one bit...i dont mean to come across as being this all special yes i have problems being...my meds have been screwy lately and yes im having trouble containing myself..and panicking and being around so many people still makes me very nervous and on edge...what am i supposed to do?  who am i supposed to ask?  because im sorry but in my small little world i am still just beginning to learn that its ok to ask for help and support..and im not good at it by any means..i struggle with it and accepting that i even have stuff to struggle with..and its like my asking for help is just coming across as being negative and always talking about dying...so cutting and dying and two off limit topics for church...how does that make sense?? damn it maybe my problems are to darn special cas im not able to talk about them in normal conversation.. yes i can talk about being depressed but then i have to talk about how god is going to heal me..i can talk about financial issues but then i have to hear about how i have to give to receive..but if i talk about cutting or suicide..then im just going to hell because its wrong and bad and not acceptable... thank you religion for teaching me that there are guidelines that have to be followed within the church..thank you for showing me that i am not only weird and a freak..im a weird crazy freak with a ticket to hell because god forbid i ever have a conversation about the true extent of the conversations i have with myself..ill be scheduled for an exorcism faster than i can spell my name... im glad thats gotten all cleared up..maybe ill sleep a little bit easier tonight because of it..

is it really any wonder that ppl tend to look for answers and acceptance in all the 'wrong' places..and with all the 'wrong' things... because they are repeatedly rejected again and again within the normal standards of society..they have no where else left to go..

i dont care

things are not going well. if i could leave it at that i would. i really would.  but the feelings of being trapped and alone and upset and tearful and overwhelming me still from yesterday..and even writing this im afraid im going to have a breakdown and start crying or something and have to go and hide in the shower so no one will know..

i had to get a tetanus shot yesterday. because of all the recent cutting and scratching and stuff..of course my pdoc would tell my reg doc..silly me for thinking otherwise..i did get the shot..but it wasnt the shot that got me all out of sorts..it was the fact that the shot had to be given in my arm and that meant i had to take my shirt off..no ifs ands or buts about it..it had to come off so that could reach my arm.the problem..the big big big problem with that is that the bulk of my scars are on my upper arms..and no one ever ever sees them. no one. ive managed to not  fully undress in front of anyone for a very very long time. and to be told that i have to have the shot and that it has to be in my upper arm was not a good thing...i did it..and it was a very exposing and shameful thing..no the nurse didnt say anything at all..but it was just having my shirt off like thatand having someone else see my arms on a day when my head is already going crazy wasnt a good thing..they said the shot would cause a little bit of soreness..the liars...my arm fucking hurts..and i am feeling very hateful and upset and i dont want to be around anyone at all right now...

the biggest issue right now is that im being taken off the effexor completely..just got it back..just was starting to feel okay again..just to be told that i will have to come off of it becuase they cant get it through the assistance programs anymore..lucky lucky me..so my options yesterday..go ahead and come off of it..i told the doctor coming off of it makes me crazy..and i feel awful..im dizzy every time i stand up..i cant think..i cant process..i dont care about anything at all..i want to go away..please just make all of this stop..

logically i know that i shouldnt be working today..i know that .. because im at my breaking point..but ive already said that i would be at work and i have ppl waiting for me and expecting me and i have to go and i just want to scream and hide because i really think im losing my mind right now. and i cant even do that because i have to go to work ..and that means i have to keep it together and i tried..i tried to explain yesterday and ask for support and no one was available and everyone forgot about me..and its ok...stupid me for expecting anyone to actually get my message and call me ..i already knew i didnt matter so there is no point in asking for anything at all...everyone can need something from me..everyone ..but i cant get anything from anyone else and darn me for trying to ask..

i am angry. angry angry angry.  never once in my life have i been put first for anyone..by anyone..never once was my needs placed before anyone elses..never ever ever. and now all i want to be first for someone..anyone..i want to be the important one. i want to feel like i matter..why do i have to forgive anyone?? why do i have to suffer because of what happened to me?? its not fair ? im hurt ..i was hurt. i am mad that i was hurt so much..

i am bored enough that i WANT to go to work...what is wrong with this picture ????!!!!

weekends = increased craziness

ugh..i could scream in frustration ... i am struggling right now to not do anything stupid...im not feelling like im going to do anything but its just the thoughts..blah...im bored and annoyed that i havent been able to sleep like i wanted to..maybe i slept to much during the week..who knows..i dont even want to write this really...ugh..im just annoyed with everything right now..and frustrated... ill be ok

i watched sucker punch last night

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!

It's like we talked about,you control this world.Let the pain go,let the hurt go,let the guilt go.What you are imagining right now,that world you control.That place can be as real as any pain. 
-----

those two quotes really make sense to me... i am my own worst enemy..i am fighting myself so hard...

rambles

well once again i came home yesterday from work and just crashed...i try to stay awake and accomplish something..anything..but end up sleeping..and then i try to fight the fact that im sleeping and just go back and forth between awake and asleep until sleep wins out anyway...blah..

im so so so happy its friday...this has been the longest week ever and its been a struggle..

yesterday..i ended up calling lady because she had texted me the night before and had eased some of my fears that she wasnt going to talk to me anymore and had given up on me and things...so i called just to say hi really..and we talked for a bit..and she told me that she knew i ahd been thinking that she wasnt going to talk to me and had kicked me to the curb and stuff..and i wanted to deny it ..but yeah she was right and i told her so...she told me that i had no trust in her..and that did make me stop and think for a little bit..i mean how is it that i know i trust someone?? i trust my director and my supervisor and t..but how did i learn it was ok to trust them? i dont know..it was prolly a time thing..and the longer i know them the more i learned to trust them..or maybe its the conversations we have had and that they have kept them confidential and all of that..hmm but it was nice to talk to her..and we have missed her..and i can say that now that im not wondering if she is still mad at me..so that has taken some of the worries off of me...and i did go to bible study on wed..but had a full blown panic attack and left in the middle of it..i didnt leave the church persay but i was just wandering around the hallways and pacing and having trouble with getting grounded again..i dont know what happened..i think i was feeling trapped and surrounded and there were just to many ppl around me..and i started to freak out...i had to constantly refocus my attention to get the shaking to stop..and yeah finally when i was just not able to handle it i left..and wondered until it was over with ..and then went back in..because of course i had left my bag and everything inside and couldnt technically leave..but i was to scared to go back in and get my stuff..so i had to stay..yeah..it was one of those nights..and i was telling lady about it yesterday and she of course asked why i didnt ask bishop or one of the ppl i was comfortable with to pray for me or sit with me or something..and i told her that i couldnt bother anyone..and she disagreed of course and said no..i needed to let someone know because if i had left then no one would have known if something had happened..soo i agreed that if it happened again i would let someone know..literally..i think in my head i was telling everyone and like just yelling and screaming for help..but nothing was being verbalized and so no..no one know that i was freaking out pretty badly..and well pacing and talking to myself is not the way to look normal in church

and yesterday i worked of course..and ended up with a client at this meeting thing..and well in the end the women we were talking with told me to keep up the good work...which surprised me..but i said thank you..didnt contradict her because i was feeling to tired lol...but then a bit later on i was with this same client and we were talking in my car as i was taking him home...and he told me that i was a blessing to him..that he really didnt know what he would do without me..and some other things..but all you know positive stuff..and ive been working with this particular client for about a year and a half...ive been with him through a heck of a lot of stuff...and i never expect to hear stuff like this you know...and i know its more than the extra stuff i do for him..more than what i can get for him or give him..i listen to him, im not afraid of him or his medical/mental issues..he makes me laugh..and i generally enjoy going out to see him..he told me yesterday that he doesnt like seeing me sad..and that the other week when i had the whole conversation with lady and was sorta at work..i was really sad and out of it..and he told me that he didnt like seeing me like that because it made him sad too..he said he likes seeing me happy..and i did tell him that i am doing better from that day...and i am..i just forget sometimes that my mood can affect him just as much as his moods can affect me...not to mention this particular client is a great car person and again fixed my air conditioner yet again in my car for me..but yeah lol..he was my all time favoritest person yesterday after that one..he knows i get rally hot at times and so my air conditioner not working was not ok lol..

but yeah..i mean i dont expect thanks or anything like that from my job..i do what i can you know..and it hurts and worries me alot when i cant fix all of my clients issues and concerns and all of that.because i am more of a support person..i can help and advise and listen..but i cant make them do anything..thats the stinky part about working with adults...i cant make them do anything !!


but otherwise ..things are going as well as they can be...just trying to get through the day...feeling calmer and better now that my meds are back in order ..and that is a good good thing..but im also still feeling really super tired all the time too..and having nights like last night..where i was sleep by 7:30..and stayed sleep off and on until after 6 this morning..goodness sleep is most definitely not an issue for me right now! all i want to do is sleep..but i go and see the pdoc next week..and will talk to her about the meds and what not...and no t next week..and prolly not the week after that either..blah..stupid massive bill...but yeah it will be ok..im hoping..

did get good news from the doc earlier this week..and was told that i made my goal for my a1c...and its come down a lot in the past few months..and its where it should be..but now i need to keep it there!

so guess thats all...i think its gonna be a quiet weekend though..full of sleep and well sleep..and umm laundry lol...not going to church this weekend because of the women being off on the retreat..and well the balance of men and women in church on sunday would be really off and that makes me uncomfortable because the people that i am more comfortable with are the women who are going on the retreat..of course..so yeah..anxiety is way high ..so just going to avoid it as much as i can and not go on sunday...
ok guess ive rambled on enough

limitations to accepting someone?

i was having a chat today about a recent struggle i had with the pastors wife..and it wasnt really a struggle it was a conversation that left me feeling very hurt, sad, rejected, disheartened...a lot of not so good stuff..but more than anything else i was hurt..i believed that she would not judge me..i wanted to believe that she was like this ultra special person and that she would be able to support and love and care for me..

but i have had to do a lot of thinking between then and now..and yes it still hurts me..the whole thing..because its like i had her on the pedestal and that she could do no wrong...i wanted her to just make things ok for me..i wanted her to believe in me..and not give up on me..and of course support me.. but from the conversation this past week..i realize that with her acceptance comes at a cost...acceptance comes with guidelines..and rules..and if i cant conform then ..i am judged..i am condemned..i am not accepted...and that hurts me..because i went into the relationship wanting her to be a parent..wanting her to be my parent..and she isnt my parent..and its not fair for me to have so many expectations of her..for me to want so many things from her...i was willing to do what she wanted..i was willing to try and to be good and to be what she said i should be..to do what she said i should do...because i felt like i had too..and so when i failed it was hard for me to accept.it was hard for me to come to terms with..i wanted to be perfect for her..but my past will not be gone just because she has said me so..i cant erase years of hurt and pain and shame and guilt and all of that after talking to her a few times..im not able to stop behaviors right then and there because she believes that it is not ok...

i am not my scars..i am not my past..but i am also not this automatically positive person either..it takes a lot of work and constant effort for me to feel ok and to feel like i can manage..and once again i was pulled into someone elses idea of what i needed to be doing and how i needed to act and think..and that never lasts for long..that never works for long .. and when i had a set back..it made me feel as if i just messed everything up..and i dont like feeling like that..because it was becoming to much of like how things were with mommy..how things are with mommy..and i dont want that..i dont need that..i will not allow that to happen..

if i do decide to keep going to church..then i need to learn to control my boundaries..and i will have to accept that my scars are there and that they do not define me..i am not my scars..i am able to laugh and talk and care and love regardless of the scars..the scars are a result of a behavior..i am not doing it for attention..i am not doing it to die..i am able to manage and keep myself under control ... the cutting is a behavior..a symptom...

i know that i did not do a good job of explaining..and i did not explain what it is that i wanted or needed from her..my desires to be protected and cared for got in the way..and maybe i just wasnt even sure what it was that i did want from her..i know that i have to let her take the next step though because i asked to talk to her..and now i have to wait for her to answer..i will give her space and all of that..i will not push..and i have to be able to accept what she decides..and be able to understand that it is not necessarily a reflection of me..i have to learn that not everyone is able to accept the cutting..not everyone can accept or understand the self harm..the desire..the urge..the needs that are all tangled up into it...and i just need to be more careful about it..it is not something that has to come up in common conversation..it is not something that has to be known..i am more than that and i have to remember that..

i cant make anyone else accept it or deal with it..but i can teach others about it..i can educate and advocate.. i can work to change how people see it...i will not continue to be forced to be silent and to hide and to pretend..its not fair..i am different..i am not crazy..im not stupid..i dont deserve to be locked away anywhere..and i do not need to worry that i am unable to help someone else because of my own behaviors..i am getting help..i am working on controlling my behaviors..i am working to learn other things to do to help get through the urges ..im learning to work through the thoughts and feelings and emotions..i am not just cutting and that is it..no i am in therapy..i am talking..i am asking for support..i am trying..regardless of what other people say or see..i am trying my hardest to get past this..to get through this..

i guess i am just disappointed that it is in church that i find that i am not accepted..and maybe it is fear..people are afraid of what they do not understand..people are afraid of the unknown..i wanted to be accepted..to not be judged..to be valued and cared for and supported..and maybe i will have to look for those things outside of the cutting...i have linda and others for the support of the self harm and when i am struggling with that..maybe i need to view church in a different way until i am stronger..until i understand more..i am not willing to completely give up the care i have gotten from some people there..i cant let that go..i dont think i can...

today....

today has been a hard hard day...i truly think i lost my mind earlier this morning..i just couldnt get it togther at all..i couldnt remember anything..i couldnt deal with anything..and gosh darn if i didnt almost forget about my t appt!  i was flipping out..and it was not pretty..to put it nicely ... but i did make it to t..and my mood was so depressing and hopeless..and the funny thing is that t completely connected it to what had happened with the pastors wife last week..and well the med issue..but it was a lot of what happened with the pastors wife and wanting so much from her and it hurting so much to realize that she is human just like everyone else..and it hurts..a lot..but i have to be able to sepearate myself from it and not let it consume me..and it was consuming me..and so we did talk about all of that..and i told her that i would be getting my meds like right after i saw her ! and i did..and holy cow my head has been going off all day..its like having fireworks going off in my head and not being able to control or stop them..little pings that make my head hurt and gives me headaches and makes me feel so sick and unable to manage..i feel so hateful and tired and queasy..and i swear to never ever ever run out of my meds again..that damn effexor is gonna kill me! gosh darn it..but i got it filled today and now the waiting for it to take effect is going on..and right now im feeling awful physically..but im more clear headed because i really did lose my mind and have had like 4 normal conversations today..this evening...i must have been really really sick to actually call people without being forced to and actually hold a conversation..and it didnt kill me..and i was able to talk about some of my stuff..and some other stuff..and just random stuff..and it was nice..and i even talked to kathy..and talking to her did make me feel loads better..and she told me that she was proud of me..and i told her that i was feeling super mean and hateful lately...cas of med stuff so yeah...im hoping that i really just need a couple days for the meds to kinda kick in and i can rejoin the real world without wanting to like hurt other people..cas gosh darn my head has not been a nice place lately...

but i also had to see the diabetes doc today..and you can imagine my surprise when i was told that my lab work has come back and it is great..my a1c is down to 6.1 and that ive reached my goal :) :)  given not the best day for me to receive the news but darn i am proud of myself i think..i know that once i am feeling more clear headed then i will be feeling better about it..i told kathy and a couple other ppl about it and they were happy for me..and that helped a lot..and so i am feeling calmer about things...i think ive been sorta talked out for the evening..and i am feeling really tired and worn out now..i think ill be calling it an early night tonight..a very early night lol..

feeling crazy does seem to make me more talkative..i think i called a lot of people this evening...it was a distraction..a good one..i did have some good conversations..

but my headache is starting to return so i think ill go back to laying down for a bit..

coming to terms with the truth..and understanding my choices

sometimes being told the truth about yourself..just sucks..it hurts..it makes you sad..if makes you angry..but in the end its still the truth isnt it...

i can sit here and say over and over again that i dont like lady anymore..that i dont want to talk to her anymore because she hurt my feelings..because she isnt accepting me where im at...i could go on and on and on about how unfair it is and how i should be able to just get supported and get coddled and hugs and everything that I want..because that is what makes me feel better...  but the truth of it would be that if i did that..id i said that..then i am staying right where i am comfortable at..right were i know things and understand that if i drive her away then i will just look for someone else to fill her place..i will look for someone who will give me what it is that i want..and will not challenge me on anything at all...i think that was the problem..that she challenged me and made me feel so uncomfortable..and for me the uncomfortable feelings turned into she is being mean and doesnt like me type thinking..and that i am just doing everything wrong and failing and so on and so forth..i dont like being challenged..i dont like being forced to look at myself..because ys i may have been working on things and slowly doing new things and all of that..but i was also finding a comfortable space to stay in all of the newness..i was still finding a way to hide..a way to pretend..i was falling into the trap of listening to so many other people telling me once again what it is that i need to do..how i need to feel..i was being told that being positive is all i can do and that if im not being positive then i am making the choice to be negative and to stay miserable...again and again i keep being told that im just not trying hard enough..and it makes me angry..and yes i tend to do stupid things when im angry..but this time i just withdrew from life..from everything for a few days..i needed time to think..to process..to feel sorry for myself..to regroup in a way...i needed to figure out what it is that i wanted..what it is that i am willing to work for..

and do you know what did it?  do you know what happened that got my head to wrap around the fact that i am worth more than i think and that i am important to people?  i was at the movies with a 3 yr old..and yes he fell asleep..goodness i was hoping he feel asleep lol...but he went to sleep and i moved him into a more comfortable position because looking at the kid i didnt know how he didnt want up with a major crink in his neck from the way he was sitting..but anyway..i moved him around so that he was leaning against me..still at an odd angle but the kid was sleeping good obviously because no amount of action going on on screen woke him up..but after a good while and a few repositions ..im looking at this kid and realizing that i do love him..and that i would do anything to make sure that he was safe and happy and cared for...i realized that i am capable of love,that it is ok to love..that i can love him and not be afraid..i spend so much time walking around and thinking that i am unlovable..that no one wants me..that im not needed..that im not important..and its not true is it?  i do have people that love and care for me..and maybe its just that i need to hear it more often than someone..but i am not as alone as i tend to get myself to believe.. but yes all it took was a small child to help me realize that even with all of my own stuff...all of my own hurt and pain and fear..that i am not lost..i am not destined to just die and go away...i may be negative a lot of the time..but it has lessened.. alot too..i may things that are not ok and are scary but they do not completely stop me anymore either..i am not awful or bad or stupid .. im just me..i can with my past..i have my baggage..i have my hurts and my hang ups...i have my scars..but i am still me..happy, sad, upset, lost, confused, hurt, disappointed, alone, all of it...none of it lasts forever..none of it can keep me trapped anymore..it wont keep me trapped anymore...

it has taken a lot of thinking of processing..of feeling so hurt and sad and useless..to realize that this is my path..my journey..and that i can ask for help and support..but that i cant expect everyone to understand in the way that i want them too..i know that jessica, kathy, fatimah, linda, some of my docs will understand that the cutting is just a symptom of something more..something deeper that needs to be addressed..but i cant expect that same sort of understanding from everyone..and i think that is where i made the mistake...i wasnt prepared for the judging that was a result..and it may have been unintentional judgeing but i felt judged all the same...and i felt that i wasnt making the progress that was expected of me..and so when i did cut..it was like i did the ultimate disgrace..i failed so badly that there was just no more hope for me left at all..that there was no point..that i just might as well die and get it over and done with so that i wouldnt have to deal with anyone elses disappointment..i guess you could say that i over reacted just a little bit...lady had a right to say what she said because it was her feelings..and i dont think she meant to hurt me as badly as she did..but again i also didnt tell her just how much what she told me hurt...but i just dumped all of this on her..the cutting, the hurt, the confusion..i made her acknowledge it..and then expected her to just deal with it and make it better..and in her mind..her telling me to stop was enough..she expected me to obey..she expected that i would do what she wanted...because i wanted her enough that  i was willing to obey...but it doesnt work like that..it doesnt just go away because she wants me to not hurt myself..because she told me that its not okay to hurt myself..because she like mommy threw in the statements about hospitals and needing help and needing to be watched and all of that...and that made me feel worse...that made me feel crazy and stupid and like there is something so messed up with me..that there is something so wrong with me that i will never be able to control myself that i will never be able to stop and let go of the urge..the need to hurt myself..but that wasnt fair..and i should have figured that out much sooner..i should have realized that being told to stop..to get rid of my tools..to rely on her..wasnt going to work out like that..it wasnt going to just stop and be tied up into a neat little box and put away for the rest of my life...how many times have i told someone that you cant MAKE someone stop..that you cant take away what is possibly keeping them alive and expect it to go the waay you want it to go...you cant force someone to stop and think that is all it is going to take...i knew all of this..and i ignored it..because i wanted her to be proud of me..i wanted her to want me..i wanted her to tell me over and over again that i was important and needed and that i would be ok...but that was part of the problem..i forced myself to comply with what she wanted from me..the same way i complied with what mommy wanted from me...i said i would stop..and i did for a few weeks..but the urges were still there..the thoughts were still there..and once it got to the point that i was considering just cutting and lying i knew it wasnt going to work..and so then all the guilt and shame and feeling like a failure came up full force..it was like i had once again not been strong enough to stay safe..to keep myself 'clean'..the more i said no ..the more i wanted it..and i didnt want to die..i just wanted to hurt.  i wanted a break...i expected her to understand the need..the desire..i expected her to accept the set backs and to keep going along with me all the same..and that wasnt fair of me...i understand now that i didnt explain the cutting well at all..i showed her yes..i shocked the hell out of her yes..but then i let her come to her own conclusions and let her think that this was just something that i could easily stop and get past ..when its not..maybe i ended up accidentally setting myself up for failure on this one...maybe it was that my need for approval outweighed everything else..i wanted her approval..i wanted her attention..i was willing to do what she wanted me to do inorder to get it...but it doesnt work like that..and i suppose that this outcome really shouldnt surprise me..it hurts...it hurts alot because i feel like i have just been completely judged and condemned in one conversation..and that is all there is to it..and thats not completely true either...because the more i think about it..the more i realize that i am going to have to stand up for myself on this one...i may have cut..i may have hurt myself..and it may seem wrong to her..but i am not just my scars..i am not going to be labeled by them either..i may hurt myself but i am not on deaths door..i am not going to drop dead at this minute because i cut myself...dear god she would have put me in the hospital if she knew everything i have done to myself on purpose...and maybe it is the anger that i have been missing in just all of this..i could go along with what everyone else tells me..i can agree that its bad and wrong and all sorts of stuff..and i did it without reacting..without anger...but this time i am upset..this time it feels like i am being judged based on my actions first and the rest of me second...and i dont like that..which also begs to point out that i have to stop doing that same thing..hiding behind the scars..defining myself by the scars...i am more than just the scars i have..and i have a lot of scars..and if i stop and think about just how much i have scarred my body it is very depressing..but the only thing my scars have stopped me from doing is dressing a certain way..thats all...i feel embarrassed when im at the doctors office of course..and god forbid i have to get a darn shot for some reason...but the world goes on..my day goes on..the scars arent going away..the recent cutting was a set back..not the end of the world..

more than anything else though..it was the statements about my ability to help others that hurt more than anythings else..i may not be able to consistently help mself or not hurt myself ..but i would never ever hurt another person..i would do anything in my power to help someone else..to reach someone else..to support and care and do everything i could to let someone else know they were not alone...my ability to help and work with someone is not solely based on what i am doing to myself..it doesnt make it better no..it doesnt make it easier...but i am not harming someone else either..and my one behaviors have lessened ALOT in the past couple years...my thinking is not constantly dangerous..and i know when i have reached my limit of being around others and when i need to step back because im not doing well myself...i would not harm another person because i am not in a stable frame of mind..i wont..i understand the need to get my own stuff in order so that i will be more effective..not because people are afraid of me.or because people are doing worse from talking to me or something...no ..its not like that..i know that i am a good worker..a good counselor...i know the areas i struggle with..and yes i can benefit from being a bit ..ok a lot more assertive..but i know what im talking about..i mean it when i tell my clients i understand how hard it is going from one day to the next..or how much of a pain it is having to take medication every day and having numerous doctor appointments to go to..im not making that up..im not playing with them or invalidating what they are experiencing..hell i could BE them...and my director knows enough to be able to identify if there is something major going on..crap i would prolly tell her...I AM NOT A DANGER TO MY CLIENTS .. im not..and i never have been...sometimes it is my clients that keep my from being more of  danger to myself..i may doubt a lot of things about myself...but i do not doubt that i do a good job with my clients..i may feel unimportant and not needed at times..but with my clients i know what when i am with them..i am with them..for good or bad..im not afraid of them..or their mental or health issues..i care about them..maybe more than i care about myself..but no i would not harm them..i would never ever harm them..and i dont like that it can be implied that because of my own behaviors then i am not fit to do my job..that is not true..and i will not believe that..

today is sunday..and today i feel like i can rejoin the world..that i am ready to rejoin the world..and deal with life outside of my apartment...i had a hard time wed - friday..a very very very hard time..and so i just kept to myself..slept a lot..thought alot..i have not hurt myself because i dont want too..not because ive been told that i shouldnt do it..or that i need to not do it..and im stepping back a little bit from church...my thoughts on that is confused still..and still hurt..so i am just going to give myself more time to figure out what it is that i want from the church route..that and i really do plan to talk to lady about some of this..because i need to know where im at with her..for peace of mind i guess..i think i have been pushing myself to much to do all this stuff..and to appear like im doing so great and better an well all it has led to is a mini break down..so yeah..backing off may be good for a little bit..no sundays anyway..but i do like bible study so i may do that by itsself for  a little while..

the interesting thing in all of this..is that i thought about it ..and thought about it..and thought about it somemore..and still didnt ask anyone else what i should do...i pulled back from everything..i stopped posting online..and just it a couple places know that my feelings had been hurt big time and that i felt the need to hide and just be quiet for a while..i still feel the need to be quiet..and to think..and to just figure out where i am at...heck i really do think that if i had the money i would have gone away this weekend ..somewhere...just away for a few days...just to get away from everything that is bothering me and wearing on me..nad making me question things...instead i just stayed home and well did nothing..today i am going out for a bit..errands to run..but still coming home and just being is still on the schedule..that and i need to go and get my meds before my head explodes..

i keep being told over and over and over again that i have to chose ..i have to make the choice to decide what it is that i want to do..what it is im willing to fight for..i have to decide if i want to be miserable or to be free..no one can make that choice for me...everyone keeps telling me thing..over and over and over...but this time i am listening...this time i think i had to understand that my illusion of how life should be played out isnt how it happens...i may want acceptance..but acceptance starts from within..and if i had been able to accept myself and what happened on wed..then maybe the conversation would have gone better on thursday and i would not have felt like i was being judged...

i am only in control of my behaviors..my actions..my thoughts..my beliefs..thats all i have..thats whole i am..i cant trade in for a new model...i cant start over and gain a whole new past ...im where im at because of my past..im who i am because of my past..i may not be perfect..i may not be the nicest at times or the most helpful..i mean have days where im down right mean and hateful and well yeah you get the picture...but im also the person who will do everything i can to help someone else..im the person who listens to whatever and i will sit down and give a child the same attention i give an adult..i laugh and smile and play and do so mcu other stuff...all of these things..the good, the bad, the ugly..it all makes up who i am..and i may be different..i may be follow the norms...i may do things that makes no sense to anyone else but me gosh darnit..but take it or leave it...i am me...and me is all i know how to be...

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen.
Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.
~ Stacey Charter

 

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it!
I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love!
I am a whole complex package.
Take me... or leave me.
Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.

‘Often we don't even realize who we're meant to be because we're so busy trying to live out someone else's ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.’ ~ Oprah Winfrey

 'Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?' ~ Caroline Myss

 'Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us. ' ~ Marianne Williamson

'Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.' ~ Raymond Lindquist

 

 

Hurting

Im trying hard to keep writing because i am feeling so very sad and broken. I just want to be heard and accepted but again it is being pointed out that i cant expect others to accept me if im not willing to accept myself. I really do feel the need to stay here and just exist for a few days.  Quietly away from everyone. I just need to think. Figure out what it is that i am wanting from myself and everyone around me. Im disappointed in myself. I am.

needing to write....

last night was a haze...a huge huge haze..im just not sure what happened really..i wanted to just not be apart of anything at all..i dont want to be around anyone ..im feeling very sad and confused...my feelings are hurt..but then the truth hurts doesnt it..the truth hurts and it sucks and it makes me sad to know that other ppl see me as being untruthful and of playing games...have i really completely lost touch with who i am ? have i just become a make up of what everyone else wants to me be?  how far have i come just to go backwards and still stay stuck?  why am i holding on to the past so very hard?  why is it that i havent been able to let things go..to move on..to know that the past is just that..the past and that it can no longer hurt like it did then?  why am i stuck locked in these feelings of sadness and hurt and loneliness? i dont mean to do it.i dont mean to play games but i do manipulate..i manipulate awfully :( and i feel awful...how screwed up am i really?  how much has the past just messed me up?? why cant i see what other people see in me..why do i have to struggle so much with everything?  why do i have to learn that its ok to be happy..it ok to not want to hurt myself..

i want so much to get attention..to get support and care and understanding and yet i keep messing it up..i overload and push away and do things on purpose ..until im just left by myself .. until i am just alone again..

it is wrong of me to expect that everyone will be able to accept the cutting..accept the scars...its not fair for me to expect that from others..i have been spoiled in a way i guess..in that the ppl i work with..my therapist..my past teachers..understood..the drive..the urge..what was behind it to a certain extent...but someone else..just a person i know may not understand it like them..it is odd and wrong and bad..and i feel ashamed...i am shamed of what i have done..i am ashamed of how much i feel i need to do it..im ashamed of the scars and how much i have destroyed myself..she tells me its wrong..that its crazy..and she is right isnt she :( am i crazy? do i need to be institutionalized? do i need to be locked up...locked away...is there something wrong with me ? what do i do? i know its not normal..it is a coping method..not a great one..but a coping one all the same...is it fair for me to expect her to understand and support something that she considers to be so wrong..something that she sees as being a sin..why do i want so much from her? why do i need so much from her ?  its not fair...i just want her to want me..to accept me..i want her to love me and parent me and need me..i want her to parent me..and im hurt that she is not able to be in that role..she wont be in that role..and maybe that is what is causing so much hurt right now..that she is not able to be what i want her to be  for me...and im feeling alone..very alone and confused..because i dont understand what it is that i need to do..what it is that i want to do...what do i have to decide...

what do i want..i am so tired..tired of all of this...but the hurt doesnt go away..the hurt never goes away..

 i just want to hide away..i want to ignore everyone and everything until i get it figured out..i dont know what i want to do..i dont know what i should do...but i am just feeling sad ...very very sad and unsure and afraid..

yesterday

I was on the receiving end of one of those conversations i dont like at all. The one that points out that i am just playing games and not going forward or making any real progress and that im nit trying hard enough. The question was raised about how i can be helping other people when i am not even helping myself. My feelings are hurt. Except im not even sure if i have the right to be hurt about what i was told. She told me i needed to make a choice. I needed to decide if i wanted to truly be better to be free. But once again i am being pulled into everyone elses idea of what better looks like because i dont know. Am i really just telling everyone what it is that they want to hear? Am i just playing along and just saying all of this stuff and not really applying any of it? I dont know what it is that i am supposed to be doing or what i need to do to get
Better. Im at a loss really. Im feeling pretty down and just really unsure of things. I just want to take a break from everything for a couple days. I need to think. I need to just get away from everything right now. Its all making me feel so tired and overwhelmed and unsure

failure

failed on the s/i today...

just wanting to sleep right now and hide away from the accusations that i am just not trying hard enough to get better maybe i should be locked up somewhere..since i cant seem to get a handle on this out in the real world

why do i have to keep fighting ???

the feelings are overwhelming..the need to hurt myself..the need for release..the stress the worries the fear the anxiety..its all in my head and im afraid of how badly i want to release it..im afraid to the point of panicking ..im afraid that i still want to hurt myself..i worry that i am not strong enough to get through the urges ..and not even the threat of being put in the hospital is swaying me..i want to hurt..i need to hurt..i need to remember that i am alive..i need to remember that i am still breathing..that i am still here..im afraid because it feels like i am nothing right now..that i am just taking up space but that there is nothing substantial to me..that i will really just go away..that i am just not worth anything at all..and the sadness becomes overwhelming..and i feel sad..im not afraid to die..im not afraid to go away..i want so much to make it all stop..to make it all go away..i just want things to be calmer..i want things to go away..i want things to stop..cutting is bad..cutting is wrong..cutting hurts..it hurts..the scars the pain..the shame..why cant i stop..why do i have to keep thinking that i need it..that i have to have it..that only it will help me feel better..why cant i save myself ...

very disappointed in NC

the amendment was passed to deny gay marriage in nc :(  i have no intention of every moving back to NC. That is not fair that ppls rights are being judged and taken away.  love is love. that is all.

After a While (Kirk Franklin)

"After a while"
Kirk Franklin

[Chorus:]
After a while, after a while
This too shall pass
After a while
Scars will heal, you’ll love again
It won’t hurt you after a while
It won’t hurt after a while

[Verse 1:]
Stuck between if and when
You pray and tried
But still no end
God’s purpose soon you’ll understand
It won’t hurt you after a while
It won’t hurt you after a while

[Chorus]

[Verse 2:]
So when the pain has come to an end
And now your heart is whole again
Help someone who needs to know
That it won’t hurt them after a while
It won’t hurt them after a while
It wont hurt them after a while

the weight of secrets...

i have been having a hard day..well one i think i needed to seriously sleep off the meds ..that clonazepan is breaking me..but it is calming me down some but not enough..i just want to escape which lets me know that i most likely wont be able to keep taking it for a long period of time at all..because i want to take more than im supposed to..i want to just get to that place where i dont have to think or feel or even acknowledge anymore anymore..nothing has gone on today..ive laid around for most of the day..not doing anything..napping off and on..and still i feel just down..sad..wanting to hurt..feeling alone..i want to know that i matter..i want to know that i am loved..i am wanting support a lot..and i think that last week was so stressful and tiring to me and the after effect is that i am feeling more alone ..more unsure of myself..i want to believe that i matter.. that i am important..but instead all i am doing/ thinking is doubting..wondering what anyone wants to do with me..wondering what the point is..wondering why i am supposed to be bothering with any of this..and it is upsetting..because i know that it is so easy for all of the thinking to get worse..so easy..and i dont want to feel worse..i was having a few good days .. i want to keep those good days..and it makes me sad that my head just cant give me a break..am i really making the choice to stay stuck and sad and miserable?  i am trying?  im trying freakin hard not to hurt myself..not to cut..it would be so easy to give in to those thoughts..when i am looking for an escape..and i want an escape..and im using a couple things for an escape..warped things..bad things..bad thoughts under the guise of feeling good for a little while..but the pretense..the thoughts in the situation are bad..they are hurtful..demeaning..horrrible..but .. but i can get past that if it gets me what i want...im just as bad as some pervy guy or something..i am :(

my secrets are going to kill me...its just a matter of time..they already weigh me down..they make me so tired..they hurt me..they make me afraid..they make me think that it is ok to die..that i can escape this pain..this confusion..all of this lostness...that with death i will be able to finally find peace...all i want is peace..freedom..silence..safety..
but i have nothing..i am still waiting..when is it ok to stop waiting ?

thoughts...feeling sad

Sooner or later, Time comes bearing a gilded mirror in which you can look at yourself and see that you were always worth more than you thought, always more beautiful than you knew, and always stronger than you ever imagined. And should the day come when you lose sight of your ability or your worth again, take down the mirror and let your older, wiser eyes bear witness to what was, and will be, forever true. ~ Sandra Kring

Today ...-sigh- today..im not sure what it is but something has me feeling very sad today..i want to withdraw..i want to hide away..i dont know...just feeling down..

 and at the same time i feel like my time line for being better, becoming better, getting better..is not fast enough..like im still focusing more on the negative stuff and somehow i am just causing myself to stay stuck..to not get better..:( it makes me feel bad..it makes me feel like i am still just lacking..that im still just a failure..and i have been trying so much harder to be more positive..to not get caught up in the negative stuff..and its just i dont know how to explain that its not so easy to just turn it off..to just BE better..to just BE more positive...and i feel like people think i am just making excuses when i say that i am having a bad day..or that i am not doing so great for whatever reason..and i dont know..yes i know that the bad feelings will pass eventually..but sometimes its so much harder having to sit through the feelings and wait it out and realize that i am just sad and hurting and that there may not be a set reason for why i am feeling like that..maybe im just feeling sad today..maybe i dont need a reason..but yes this morning when i was out and about i did feel very sad and upset and irritable..very very not ok with things you know..i was thinking about hurting myself a little bit..i was feeling alone..and i ended up calling lady..and she talked to me for a good long while..she listened..but she pushes the be positive..dont believe the lies..get out of my head..and i know that yes i prolly do need someone to just tell me like it is and not coddle me..but i was in a mood to be coddled gosh darn it..and so i was getting mad at her because she wasnt telling me what i wanted to hear..and instead telling me all the stuff i prolly needed to hear..i needed to be told to not cut..to not hurt myself..she is quite serious about putting me in the hospital if she finds out im still hurting myself..and i havent since the last time i did it which was about two weeks ago i think..it feels like forever..it does..and still the urge to just stop my head becomes overwhelming at times..there are still times that i just cant deal with things you know..and i dont know how to manage myself without hurting..and i knew perfectly well that i wasnt going to cut today...my thinking wasnt that far gone..but lady also told me that i needed to be honest with myself because if i was thinking about it then eventually i would have done it..and yes i know that she is right about that..with enough thinking about it and wanting it then i would have convinced myself that it was ok to cut..that it was ok to hurt.. but i havent..so umm we talked for a while and im supposed to be still working on thinking more positively and telling myself positive stuff..but one of the things that upset me a lot was that she asked me something and i told her that i wasnt important..and her response was that ok if i keep saying that then she is going to say it to..and i told her that i didnt want her to say it..i told her it was ok for me to say it but not ok for her to say it..because well i guess that then i start thinking that she really is going to give up on me or something..and i depend on her and others to keep contradicting me on that kind of stuff..i dont want her to give up on me..i dont want her or linda or jessica or kathy or any of the people that i care about to give up on me..i may push them away with everything i have but i need them..i need them to the voice of reason when i cant find any..

do i sound enough like a borderline person yet ?!?! ugh

but something i did think about today..was that ... the jealously part of things  that keeps coming up for me and causing me to feel so upset and terrirtorial and what not...growing up there was always someone else around..i never really had one on one attention that was positve..or helpful or caring or comforting..and so i avoided it at all costs because i didnt want any attention because for me attention was a negative thing..ive im bad yes ill have attention and nothing good will come of it..if i am in trouble i got attention..if i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and i got attention, i am sure that it wasnt anything good that was coming from it..so attention is a double edged sword really..i dont want it..i hate it..i hate feeling like im being watched..i hate having someone looking just at me..i hate it because it makes me feel inadequate..it makes me feel scared and nervous and anxious..but i want attention..i want attention so so so much..and the people who currently give me attention all have you know their own lives and stuff..but i want 100% of there attention..i dont want to have to share there attention with anyone or anything..i want them to just have me and for that be enough..i want to be enough for someone..and i think that is why i get so jealous..because i get so caught up and attached to them and then i dont want to have to share them..i dont want to have to share them..and i get mad when there are others that get there attention..i dont like it..ive always had to share..its never just been me and me alone..:( 

maybe im just feeling sorry for myself today or something..well i know i am..but well yeah

i ended up taking nap when i got home earlier and i think my dreams were a little weird not scary completely but just different..not scary i dont think...

im about to take my night meds and just lay down some more..im feeling tired and worn out this week..i think the heat is really affecting me a lot..im tired..really really tired..

 

i really want to say this for the last damn time

i have facebook because i want it. not for someone else to read something i write and then take it back to mommy. i am not a child. i dont need anyone telling her anything that i am writing or doing. for the love of all things ugh..if you have a question or a concern ask me damnit..i think im old enough to know what i am saying..i dont live at home. i dont tell mommy everything. if im not okay then damn it that is my problem to deal with..not your problem to take to mommy and question..crap i hate that so much..and it makes me so upset when she ends up questioning me about something..damn i didint even post anything remotely upsetting or worrisome yesterday..am i not allowed to have a bad day?? am i not allowed to say what ever in the hell i want to say on MY page?? i think that is crossing a line..a boundary or something . and it pisses me off.

thats all